Good morning again my sunshines (it is at least getting earlier in the morning, right?)
And welcome to another day of sadness, misery, and realising that your life is simply repeating itself in circles (at least it started cheerful).
Today (yesterday) was sort of my last day of holidays since I'm working sat + sun, but that's ok, because I have thoroughly enjoyed it (you know, to an extent.) I mean, I'm getting tired of the Australian national anthem from the amount of gold medals we've won, which is just awesome.
I bought Tim Minchin's DVD "So Live" today, and it's the best 2 hours I've ever spent. In fact, it seemed a lot shorter than 2 hours, but that was probably from the sheer awesomeness (tony the fish =D).
I should blog earlier (later?) so that I actually have stuff to say :L (or so that I can sleepat a resonable time, particularly when I have to wake up at 8 for work).
And speaking of work, and life going around in circles...
I'm so silly sometimes. I mean, either that, or I'm strangely retarded. Or maybe, I am actually "mature" (and somehow that seems like the least likely of all the options).
When I think about it, I'm still just a kid. There's so much that I have left to learn. And though I got quite a few life lessons fairly on in life, I think I have to relearn some of them, because I was too young to understand. I guess, I've always been a bit ahead of the norm, but this is just so stupid. I'm so stupid. Why am I always so stupid? (Maybe it's not me, mabe it's everyone else?)
Have a good night/morning! I'll blog again eventually (it could be weeks, now that holidays are over[at least a bit]).
Showing posts with label mood swings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mood swings. Show all posts
Saturday, 9 October 2010
Thursday, 7 October 2010
Beautiful world
Ok, so, I originally wasn't going to blog because my Internet downloads are diminising very quickly with all this school holiday spare time. But then, I thought, oh well, I may as well use it all up, right? (No, Ebony, that's a stupid idea).
Anyways, so here I am, and it's actually tomorrow now, which means I missed a day of blogging, oh how terrible. But I don't really care :L Because I have things to say =)
School holidays. It's like a time of intense loneliness, because everyone's doing their own thing, unless you're the kind of person that doesn't have a thing, and you keep jigging work for silly things like grand finals (31 years says it's not silly). And then you sit at home talking to people that are just as lonely and pathetic as you, and that you wish you could cheer up, butsome part of you doesn't want them to be happy, and you don't know what to say because you're so fucking lonely yourself.
And you sit in bed at night for hours and you think about his smile. So damn beautiful. And you wonder if, maybe if you hadn't had so many weeks without that smile, maybe you could still believe that humanity was beautiful. Because he makes it beautiful. And you visualise the conversations you can never have because you get that funny feeling in your tummy when he's around, and it's something you haven't felt in so long, which is why you maybe didn't recognise it at first. And now you do recognise it, and you're scared of it, and you want to run away, but without that beautiful smile you just feel this overwhelming sadness. And maybe when you're with him, you feel sad as well, but he makes the world shine a little more.
Oh my gosh, I'm such a stupid little girl. =S
Oh well, in for a penny, in for a pound...
And just thinking about your smile, for hours on end each night, makes the night more beautiful, and my life more beautiful, and gives me reason to smile, and maybe even takes away a little of the sadness. The sadness that I guess was largely caused by you.
I wonder, if you had never entered my life, would I still be here? Or would I be... happy? The word sounds so strange, because I often feel so very sad, but I know there was a time when I was happy. Or at least... content. And I had all my boxes ticked, which I thought was a sign that I was happy, although now I'm starting to doubt it.
But I might be starting to doubt it because I'm mentally blocking the happy I felt, so that the sad doesn't take over so much. Or maybe, that wasn't happy?
I'm so stupid and confused.
Please make my world beautiful again.
Oh, and today is RUOK Day, which is some weird thingy thingo.
So yeah, please leave a comment, and tell me if you are ok. (And it's ok if you're not. We all fall sometimes, but we get up again)
Anyways, so here I am, and it's actually tomorrow now, which means I missed a day of blogging, oh how terrible. But I don't really care :L Because I have things to say =)
School holidays. It's like a time of intense loneliness, because everyone's doing their own thing, unless you're the kind of person that doesn't have a thing, and you keep jigging work for silly things like grand finals (31 years says it's not silly). And then you sit at home talking to people that are just as lonely and pathetic as you, and that you wish you could cheer up, but
And you sit in bed at night for hours and you think about his smile. So damn beautiful. And you wonder if, maybe if you hadn't had so many weeks without that smile, maybe you could still believe that humanity was beautiful. Because he makes it beautiful. And you visualise the conversations you can never have because you get that funny feeling in your tummy when he's around, and it's something you haven't felt in so long, which is why you maybe didn't recognise it at first. And now you do recognise it, and you're scared of it, and you want to run away, but without that beautiful smile you just feel this overwhelming sadness. And maybe when you're with him, you feel sad as well, but he makes the world shine a little more.
Oh my gosh, I'm such a stupid little girl. =S
Oh well, in for a penny, in for a pound...
And just thinking about your smile, for hours on end each night, makes the night more beautiful, and my life more beautiful, and gives me reason to smile, and maybe even takes away a little of the sadness. The sadness that I guess was largely caused by you.
I wonder, if you had never entered my life, would I still be here? Or would I be... happy? The word sounds so strange, because I often feel so very sad, but I know there was a time when I was happy. Or at least... content. And I had all my boxes ticked, which I thought was a sign that I was happy, although now I'm starting to doubt it.
But I might be starting to doubt it because I'm mentally blocking the happy I felt, so that the sad doesn't take over so much. Or maybe, that wasn't happy?
I'm so stupid and confused.
Oh, and today is RUOK Day, which is some weird thingy thingo.
So yeah, please leave a comment, and tell me if you are ok. (And it's ok if you're not. We all fall sometimes, but we get up again)
Saturday, 31 July 2010
No letters. Just bills.
You may not know it, but your distance and ignorance are slowly breaking my heart.
When i say “i’m fine”, tell me to shut the fuck up and stop lying. - IWroteThisForYou
---
Sometimes I wonder where all my time goes. Because, seriously, I don't work all that often, just like, 8 hoursish a week. So then, where is all the time? And then I realise that I come home and do homework/study for about 4 hours every night. =S
---
And I hate the fact that my heart doesn’t grow
And I hate the smell of cigarette smoke
And I hate old movies unless they make me cry
And I hate the jerk that you’ve turned out to be
And I hate the sand that holds back the seas
And I hate the fact that you don’t love me for me
---
And I used to have this thing that I wouldn't do schoolwork on Friday, cause I has the weekend. But now I reserve the weekend for work/family time. And my family does a lot of random socialising. So now I work really hard all week. And bludge all weekend. And feel guilty for bludging and eat chocolate. And then eat guilty for eating chocolate and eat a salad. And now my mum doesn't know why I keep buying salad, and I'm never hungry by dinner time.
---
“And I've always hated the way you would come into my life and arrange things in my heart room.
Then you left by the same door you came in as though nothing happened.
But nothing's the same anymore. I can't find my keys, my piece of mind, my reasons to live. You were here and you destroyed the peace that was me.
You looked on. You just look.” – howimissedyou
---
And I had a solution to the problem because I would just chew gum and I would get the flavours without the guilt because I wasn't eating. And then she came and said that chewing gum is bad because you stomach creates all these acids to digest the food and then you end up with extra acids, and my stomach is already too acidy from drinking too much juice and having screwed up genes, so all I can do is eat chocolate.
---
"Scars are good, I think, because they don't hurt anymore but they don't let you forget. They don't melt away into nothingness, they are merit badges, they are battle wounds that show you how far you've come." - CleverGirlGoesBlog
And I'm supposed to be studying physics as I write this, but physics is my least favourite subject to study because it's so hard. Which is weird, because I find the subject easy, just the study hard. So if you ask me to study legal, or chem I'll do it easily, but physics makes me want to bludge.
---
“We can answer any question we have, like how do actors make themselves cry, so we never sit in wonder and wonder at the wonder of the world, anymore.
And anything we watch can be paused, so we never argue about what just happened while we were talking, anymore.
We cannot hope that we might have just missed their call, because our phones are always with us and if they didn't call, they didn't call.
No protests in the streets, just a button marked 'like'.
No one reads stories aloud, unless you are a child.
No letters. Just bills.” - IWroteThisForYou (listofchanges)
---
And that's it. I'm gonna stop venting about how undedicated I am, and go and find a uni course for my sister (useful budging, promise) and then consider studying physics.
Live long and prosper,
When i say “i’m fine”, tell me to shut the fuck up and stop lying. - IWroteThisForYou
---
Sometimes I wonder where all my time goes. Because, seriously, I don't work all that often, just like, 8 hoursish a week. So then, where is all the time? And then I realise that I come home and do homework/study for about 4 hours every night. =S
---
And I hate the fact that my heart doesn’t grow
And I hate the smell of cigarette smoke
And I hate old movies unless they make me cry
And I hate the jerk that you’ve turned out to be
And I hate the sand that holds back the seas
And I hate the fact that you don’t love me for me
---
And I used to have this thing that I wouldn't do schoolwork on Friday, cause I has the weekend. But now I reserve the weekend for work/family time. And my family does a lot of random socialising. So now I work really hard all week. And bludge all weekend. And feel guilty for bludging and eat chocolate. And then eat guilty for eating chocolate and eat a salad. And now my mum doesn't know why I keep buying salad, and I'm never hungry by dinner time.
---
“And I've always hated the way you would come into my life and arrange things in my heart room.
Then you left by the same door you came in as though nothing happened.
But nothing's the same anymore. I can't find my keys, my piece of mind, my reasons to live. You were here and you destroyed the peace that was me.
You looked on. You just look.” – howimissedyou
---
And I had a solution to the problem because I would just chew gum and I would get the flavours without the guilt because I wasn't eating. And then she came and said that chewing gum is bad because you stomach creates all these acids to digest the food and then you end up with extra acids, and my stomach is already too acidy from drinking too much juice and having screwed up genes, so all I can do is eat chocolate.
---
"Scars are good, I think, because they don't hurt anymore but they don't let you forget. They don't melt away into nothingness, they are merit badges, they are battle wounds that show you how far you've come." - CleverGirlGoesBlog
---
And I'm supposed to be studying physics as I write this, but physics is my least favourite subject to study because it's so hard. Which is weird, because I find the subject easy, just the study hard. So if you ask me to study legal, or chem I'll do it easily, but physics makes me want to bludge.
---
“We can answer any question we have, like how do actors make themselves cry, so we never sit in wonder and wonder at the wonder of the world, anymore.
And anything we watch can be paused, so we never argue about what just happened while we were talking, anymore.
We cannot hope that we might have just missed their call, because our phones are always with us and if they didn't call, they didn't call.
No protests in the streets, just a button marked 'like'.
No one reads stories aloud, unless you are a child.
No letters. Just bills.” - IWroteThisForYou (listofchanges)
---
And that's it. I'm gonna stop venting about how undedicated I am, and go and find a uni course for my sister (useful budging, promise) and then consider studying physics.
Live long and prosper,
Tuesday, 13 July 2010
Avoidance
I might just be blogging to avoid my english essay, and yes that makes me feel guilty, but I don't care about english, and I want to care, because it has to count, but I just can't do it. And I'm not one to give up on things, but I think I'm giving up on this.
And I feel bad for quitting the fight. I feel worse for knowing it's not the first fight I've quit lately. But this is the first one I've admitted to, instead of giving stupid feeble excuses.
So here I am. Being a quitter. Being a quitter, and giving up, and pretending that it's ok. And pretending that how I feel is ok. And pretending that lying to myself is okay. Lying about everything. And I need to talk to you, and tell you how I feel, and why I feel it, but you never seem to want to talk to me, so I'm not going the start the conversation like I always do, I'm going to wait and hope that you want to talk to me too.
And I thought that it went away. I thought that my feelings about you went away, and that you had no bearing on my life anymore, but I still feel exactly the same. And now it's the easy way out, I want that easy way out. I want someone who's felt how I feel to come and tell me that it's ok, and that I'll be fine, and I want that person to be you but I don't want to want that person to be you.
"I wanna break up the madness but it’s all I have.
My life is pretty much screwed up right now.
I’m so miserable and sometimes I think of just stopping it all. Of dying. But then I remind myself that one day it’s all gonna get better and I’ll be happy.
It’s all that I have, my madness, and I’m going to keep it"
I feel a little internally mental at the moment, and I would like to say what I am thinking but people might take what I mean seriously, and that would be bad, because I don't take myself seriously, and my emotions change by the day, and people shouldn't know what I feel today because I won't feel like this tomorrow.
And what I'm saying doesn't make sense.
So I'll leave.
Now,
Goodbye.
Wish you were here.
And I feel bad for quitting the fight. I feel worse for knowing it's not the first fight I've quit lately. But this is the first one I've admitted to, instead of giving stupid feeble excuses.
So here I am. Being a quitter. Being a quitter, and giving up, and pretending that it's ok. And pretending that how I feel is ok. And pretending that lying to myself is okay. Lying about everything. And I need to talk to you, and tell you how I feel, and why I feel it, but you never seem to want to talk to me, so I'm not going the start the conversation like I always do, I'm going to wait and hope that you want to talk to me too.
And I thought that it went away. I thought that my feelings about you went away, and that you had no bearing on my life anymore, but I still feel exactly the same. And now it's the easy way out, I want that easy way out. I want someone who's felt how I feel to come and tell me that it's ok, and that I'll be fine, and I want that person to be you but I don't want to want that person to be you.
"I wanna break up the madness but it’s all I have.
My life is pretty much screwed up right now.
I’m so miserable and sometimes I think of just stopping it all. Of dying. But then I remind myself that one day it’s all gonna get better and I’ll be happy.
It’s all that I have, my madness, and I’m going to keep it"
I feel a little internally mental at the moment, and I would like to say what I am thinking but people might take what I mean seriously, and that would be bad, because I don't take myself seriously, and my emotions change by the day, and people shouldn't know what I feel today because I won't feel like this tomorrow.
And what I'm saying doesn't make sense.
So I'll leave.
Now,
Goodbye.
Wish you were here.
Wednesday, 30 June 2010
I don't HAVE to like myself, right?
i think we're all a bit insane on the inside.
we all go around and pretend that nothing's wrong until that moment that it all adds up and we fall apart, and there's nothing we can do anymore because we've tried everything, and if we could just explain it, if we could just put into words how we feel, then everythiung would be okay, because we could understand each other and maybe we'd realise we're all pretty much the same. but instead we spend our lives on the edge of a cliff that we can never climb over, and we're too scared to let go of.
and, you know, there are moments, and they seem to make everything ok, and it gives you hope, and that's beautiful and wonderful. and you think things might change, and you feel these revelations, and the music in your mind plays, and the credits roll, and it's all sunshine and lollipops. until you realise that it's a just a moment, and that things are not going to change, your life is not going to fix itself by the end of the episode. and sometimes, the main characters are the ones that die.
and then you become, like, this gigantic burden on everyone you know, telling them all your stupid crap, and crying all over them at the train station, and making them ask a thousand times if you're ok, and you say yes, but you don't really know, do you? and you wish you could just wait a while before you dealt with them, all these people, instead of laying all the crap on them. but, you just can't, because life goes on, and you have to keep up with everything.
so you ask yourself, are you okay?
because i don't think i am anymore.
we all go around and pretend that nothing's wrong until that moment that it all adds up and we fall apart, and there's nothing we can do anymore because we've tried everything, and if we could just explain it, if we could just put into words how we feel, then everythiung would be okay, because we could understand each other and maybe we'd realise we're all pretty much the same. but instead we spend our lives on the edge of a cliff that we can never climb over, and we're too scared to let go of.
and, you know, there are moments, and they seem to make everything ok, and it gives you hope, and that's beautiful and wonderful. and you think things might change, and you feel these revelations, and the music in your mind plays, and the credits roll, and it's all sunshine and lollipops. until you realise that it's a just a moment, and that things are not going to change, your life is not going to fix itself by the end of the episode. and sometimes, the main characters are the ones that die.
and then you become, like, this gigantic burden on everyone you know, telling them all your stupid crap, and crying all over them at the train station, and making them ask a thousand times if you're ok, and you say yes, but you don't really know, do you? and you wish you could just wait a while before you dealt with them, all these people, instead of laying all the crap on them. but, you just can't, because life goes on, and you have to keep up with everything.
so you ask yourself, are you okay?
because i don't think i am anymore.
Tuesday, 29 June 2010
Are you ReadY?
Maybe it's a fall from grace
I gotta find a new place
A holiday
I'll set off on a new chase
I gotta see a new face
I need to take a holiday
I feel that it's hard enough to say good-bye.
I feel there's the water. Should I sink or dive?
An empty plate, fill up my sentimental morning star.
I steal the art of putting truth in a lie.
Maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
All my resistance will never be distance enough
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
if nobody is, that would explain some things
I wanna believe
How can i believe
You're making me doubt
I thought i knew you
I don't even know myself
I'm losing faith
I'm losing all faith
You're breaking my heart
And he's not in a state to be readily left in my hands
In my hands, in my hands, in my hands
Hey love, live it up
Cuz I'm getting closer
And I want love, give it up
This poetry and prose and words are not enough
Cuz you're more than melody to me...I think
You didn't have to be so mad
When you ran across the road
The light alone soon told me
You had a heavy load
But I can't see why you didn't stay
Why you didn't come to see if I felt
The same way
And I do
Hands
Let me hold you
Eyes
Let me see your face
Smile again
As the world
Goes tumbling
I didn't see it coming
It took me by surprise
Just when I wasn't looking
I noticed all the lies
Let's take it right from the start
Can't bare us to be apart no more
Don't walk away from me now
Cant lose the love that I found
I'll promise you no more tears, or fears
Just give me a chance to show you
So you lie there holding your breath
And it's strange how soon you forget
That you're like stars
They only show up when it's dark
Cause they don't know their worth
And I think you need
To stop following misery's lead
Stand up please til I'm done losing my mind
And i've thanked you all just one too many times
The more we fall the harder we must climb
Cos' everybody loves a circus show
But I'm the only clown you'll ever know
And now you can applaud my best mistake
I love you was too many words to say
I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.
Swept away by the wonder of it all
So amazed; never saw it coming
Left me dazed
And I don't know where to turn
Here and now
Seems I'm standing on the edge
Looking down
I can clearly see your face
In the crowd
Makes me feel i'm not alone
If I fall
Will you catch me?
Yeah they talk about her
She smiles like shes so tough
She says
"hey can you talk a little louder,
I don't think my heart is broken enough"
Will your lips speak what is true
If you say that this is where you belong
That's all I want, from you
In the garden of my deepest soul
I've tripped again and things are starting to get interesting
Don't give me choices cause I can't decide
My mind is soaked in words
I've come to terms with all my insecurities
And purities no friend of mine
And dreaming doesn't do no good
Cause I don't wanna lie
That I'm okay and I'm alright
I'd rather take it and forget it
Consider this a warning
Cause I'll start another fight
And you'll say its all alright
I'll wait for the day when you find I'm too much for you, baby
So lay your hands over me
And feel what you only see
But don't bother wasting your time if you're trying to change me
I gotta find a new place
A holiday
I'll set off on a new chase
I gotta see a new face
I need to take a holiday
I feel that it's hard enough to say good-bye.
I feel there's the water. Should I sink or dive?
An empty plate, fill up my sentimental morning star.
I steal the art of putting truth in a lie.
Maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
All my resistance will never be distance enough
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
if nobody is, that would explain some things
I wanna believe
How can i believe
You're making me doubt
I thought i knew you
I don't even know myself
I'm losing faith
I'm losing all faith
You're breaking my heart
And he's not in a state to be readily left in my hands
In my hands, in my hands, in my hands
Hey love, live it up
Cuz I'm getting closer
And I want love, give it up
This poetry and prose and words are not enough
Cuz you're more than melody to me...I think
You didn't have to be so mad
When you ran across the road
The light alone soon told me
You had a heavy load
But I can't see why you didn't stay
Why you didn't come to see if I felt
The same way
And I do
Hands
Let me hold you
Eyes
Let me see your face
Smile again
As the world
Goes tumbling
I didn't see it coming
It took me by surprise
Just when I wasn't looking
I noticed all the lies
Let's take it right from the start
Can't bare us to be apart no more
Don't walk away from me now
Cant lose the love that I found
I'll promise you no more tears, or fears
Just give me a chance to show you
So you lie there holding your breath
And it's strange how soon you forget
That you're like stars
They only show up when it's dark
Cause they don't know their worth
And I think you need
To stop following misery's lead
Stand up please til I'm done losing my mind
And i've thanked you all just one too many times
The more we fall the harder we must climb
Cos' everybody loves a circus show
But I'm the only clown you'll ever know
And now you can applaud my best mistake
I love you was too many words to say
I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.
Swept away by the wonder of it all
So amazed; never saw it coming
Left me dazed
And I don't know where to turn
Here and now
Seems I'm standing on the edge
Looking down
I can clearly see your face
In the crowd
Makes me feel i'm not alone
If I fall
Will you catch me?
Yeah they talk about her
She smiles like shes so tough
She says
"hey can you talk a little louder,
I don't think my heart is broken enough"
Will your lips speak what is true
If you say that this is where you belong
That's all I want, from you
In the garden of my deepest soul
I've tripped again and things are starting to get interesting
Don't give me choices cause I can't decide
My mind is soaked in words
I've come to terms with all my insecurities
And purities no friend of mine
And dreaming doesn't do no good
Cause I don't wanna lie
That I'm okay and I'm alright
I'd rather take it and forget it
Consider this a warning
Cause I'll start another fight
And you'll say its all alright
I'll wait for the day when you find I'm too much for you, baby
So lay your hands over me
And feel what you only see
But don't bother wasting your time if you're trying to change me
Monday, 31 May 2010
In darkness
Confession #12: I don't remember the last time I felt this small
"It's only in darkness that you see the stars"
It's quite funny that people tell me they haven't seen me this sad in a while. I believe it may have been a while since I've felt like this also.
It's quite funny when people tell me that my sadness makes them sad. Unless everyone in the world (including yourself) has seen you differently after knowing what you know about yourself, you don't even know what real sadness is.
And the words "sad" and "terrible person" and even "attractive" have, rather than ceased meaning anything, come to mean so much more than ever before.
And as I stood there and waited for the door to open, I knew who I wanted, more than anyone else to walk out and see if I was okay. The person I want to care. And in that moment, I think I found myself again. Because sometimes I lose track of the person I am. And sometimes when I stand too close to you I start to doubt who that person is, sometimes when I see you too much my mind gets a little fuzzy, and it's difficult to concentrate.
But I've found what I want to concentrate on.
And it's not you.
And it never will be.
And I still hate you =)
ps: i know i begin too many sentences with "and" and "but", but you can get over that.
"It's only in darkness that you see the stars"
"You're the stars in my eyes." - October
It's quite funny that people tell me they haven't seen me this sad in a while. I believe it may have been a while since I've felt like this also.
It's quite funny when people tell me that my sadness makes them sad. Unless everyone in the world (including yourself) has seen you differently after knowing what you know about yourself, you don't even know what real sadness is.
And the words "sad" and "terrible person" and even "attractive" have, rather than ceased meaning anything, come to mean so much more than ever before.
And as I stood there and waited for the door to open, I knew who I wanted, more than anyone else to walk out and see if I was okay. The person I want to care. And in that moment, I think I found myself again. Because sometimes I lose track of the person I am. And sometimes when I stand too close to you I start to doubt who that person is, sometimes when I see you too much my mind gets a little fuzzy, and it's difficult to concentrate.
But I've found what I want to concentrate on.
And it's not you.
And it never will be.
And I still hate you =)
ps: i know i begin too many sentences with "and" and "but", but you can get over that.
Saturday, 27 February 2010
99%
Confession #24: Your words of love for her were worse than any words of hate for me could ever be.
“Sometimes you just need to cry and be sad.
You need to break down and be torn apart.
You need to learn how to pick yourself up and put yourself back together.
Sometimes, the only way to be happy is to give into sadness first.”
"Sorry I'm not what you expected" – theatergirl345
So, it's been a week. A terrible week, actually. And yet, a beautiful week. But I haven't blogged. And yes, I feel bad. But at the same time, I'm glad you guys don't know what was going on in my head throughout the week.
I don't think I'm okay. And I don't think I'm going to be okay. Everything is just too hard. And I'm so used to just ignoring my problems until they go away that I don't know how to deal with things. And it's not going away.
I think I'm actually genuinely surprised that it's not going away. It always used to. Ignoring it was fine.
I mean, when you think about; shit is always going to work out.
It's a rule of the universe.
You can either get through it, or you die.
And 99% of the time, you get through it.
So I expected it to all work out in the end.
Maybe I still am.
And I tell people that crap is getting to me, and they nod knowingly. But they don't know. They just think they know. They just try to be there for me. And, I appreciate that, sure. But, it's not enough. I need someone to sit down with the rulebook to life, and let me flick through the pages. I need to know what the next step is.
So here's to hoping it just blows over.
Saturday, 13 February 2010
But does it make me a bad person?
Confession#2: I didn't want to be that girl. But, I think, maybe.... I am.
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one
Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone
“You close your eyes when you cry. That's ok. Just don't keep them closed too long. Things have become beautiful since you last looked. There's nothing more to cry about.”
"My body is sick of crying." - Anonymous.Secrets
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one
Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone
[Meredith's mother has Altzheimers and is being tested for liver cancer]
Alex: For what it's worth, I don't know how you're still on your feet. If I found out my mom might have cancer, I'd be under the bar right now.
Meredith: You want the ugly truth?
Alex: What, you have an ugly truth? I never would have picked you to have an ugly truth.
Meredith: I'm more afraid she doesn't have cancer.
Alex: You know, liver cancer's fast. Painful, but it's fast and they give you morphine. They don't give you morphine for Alzheimer's.
Meredith: No, they don't. [Pause] What kind of person wishes their mother had cancer?
I get it. It was dumb. It was stupid. I'm the idiot who wastes her time, everytime. I'm the idiot who can't admit it to myself when there's a problem. Who can't admit it to you when there's a problem. When something's bugging me, I'm the one who shuts up and waits for you to ask. I'm not the talker. I've never been the talker. Sometimes, I pretend to be. Sometimes, I talk, and I tell you all these things so that you won't ask me what's wrong.
I'm the girl who started hugging everyone, everyday, because my heart was breaking, and now it's just routine. It's so routine, that you don't notice when something's wrong anymore. I don't notice when something's wrong anymore. I don't notice until the tears start falling down my face. And what happens then? I run.
I run away from everything. I used to have my special spot I'd run to everytime I ran away, but the some year sevens decided to sit there and now I have no spot. Now I run to people. Now I tell people what's wrong. Now I have a blog, and I vent all my feelings on it so shit doesn't hurt anymore.
Now I run back to you when the crying stops and the aching goes away. Now I run back, and I realise that I shouldn't run anymore. I realise that I've hurt you. I realise that it's too late to run back. That I'm not allowed to run away. Now I have to stop running. Now I have to start facing up to things, and admitting things. Now I have to start letting myself cry every night, like I used to. Now I have to deal with it in my own way.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I am strong enough.
Friday, 29 January 2010
Break
Confession #51: Today, I realised that I mocked you because I was envious.
Hmm, ok, breakdown time.
I'm just over it.
I was over it when school ended, and I was grateful for the holiday.
But one day back, and I want another holiday.
And I want to stop sacrificing parts of myself to make other people happy.
And as mean as it sounds, I want other people to stop being happy.
I want to piss people off.
Lots of people.
And piss them off a lot.
I want to pick fights with people.
I want to do something to let out all of my negative energy.
Because I'm not happy.
And part of me doesn't want to be happy.
I want to have something to complain about.
And then... I want to smile.
"Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But Derek, I love you. In a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."
"I'm well overdue for a breakdown" - soulcages
Hmm, ok, breakdown time.
I'm just over it.
I was over it when school ended, and I was grateful for the holiday.
But one day back, and I want another holiday.
And I want to stop sacrificing parts of myself to make other people happy.
And as mean as it sounds, I want other people to stop being happy.
I want to piss people off.
Lots of people.
And piss them off a lot.
I want to pick fights with people.
I want to do something to let out all of my negative energy.
Because I'm not happy.
And part of me doesn't want to be happy.
I want to have something to complain about.
And then... I want to smile.
Thursday, 28 January 2010
Ride it out.
Confession#34: It's all worth it.
"Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more."
"To hell with Photoshop!
You're beautiful."
- theliterarybulimic
Hmmm.
I feel a lot more relaxed today.
But I don't wanna go to work =(
I feel like listening to music.
I feel like listening to every song ever made.
Because, right now, I don't want to feel like me.
I want to feel like someone else.
And it's not that I'm not happy.
I actually am.
Which is why it's weird.
But, you know, shit happens.
In fact, this happens a lot to me.
...I miss school.
"Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more."
"To hell with Photoshop!
You're beautiful."
- theliterarybulimic
Hmmm.
I feel a lot more relaxed today.
But I don't wanna go to work =(
I feel like listening to music.
I feel like listening to every song ever made.
Because, right now, I don't want to feel like me.
I want to feel like someone else.
And it's not that I'm not happy.
I actually am.
Which is why it's weird.
But, you know, shit happens.
In fact, this happens a lot to me.
...I miss school.
"Intimacy is a four syllable word for, "Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy." It's both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without."
Wednesday, 27 January 2010
The lonely people
Confession #68: As we sat there, and we watched, you told me how awful her mother was. How over protective, over bearing, how cruel she was. You told me she wanted too much from her child. And I just laughed a little on the inside.
Today was a chocolate sort of day. But, as per my resolutions, I didn't have any chocolate. I might have some later.
Today was just a bad day. Everything hurt, sitting down hurt, but getting up hurt more. Moving my head hurt, but focusing on one point hurt more. Everything just hurt.
I feel sick. And I had a bad hair day. Mum woke up and said "what happened to your hair?" Which, is, sorta funny, I guess.
Ugh, I dunno, I'm too tired to care.
"Forty years ago, the Beatles asked the world a simple question: they wanted to know where all the lonely people came from. My latest theory is that a great many of the lonely people come from hospitals. More precisely, the surgical wing of hospitals. As surgeons, we ignore our own needs so we can meet our patients' needs. We ignore our friends and families so we can save other people's friends and families. Which means that, at the end of the day, all we really have is ourselves. And nothing in this world can make you feel more alone than that."
"Nothing will ever please you mom." – tiggerbabyy
Today was a chocolate sort of day. But, as per my resolutions, I didn't have any chocolate. I might have some later.
Today was just a bad day. Everything hurt, sitting down hurt, but getting up hurt more. Moving my head hurt, but focusing on one point hurt more. Everything just hurt.
I feel sick. And I had a bad hair day. Mum woke up and said "what happened to your hair?" Which, is, sorta funny, I guess.
Ugh, I dunno, I'm too tired to care.
Meredith: Just leave me alone.
Derek: I just want to make sure you're alright.
Meredith: No! I'm not alright? Okay? Are you satisfied? I'm not alright. Because you have a wife, and you call me a whore, and our dog died, and now you're looking at me. Stop looking at me.
Derek: I am not looking at you. I am not looking at you.
Meredith: You are looking at me. And you watch me. And Finn has plans. And I like Finn. He's perfect for me, and I'm really trying here to be happy, and I can't breathe. I can't breathe with you looking at me like that so just stop!
Derek: Do you think I want to look at you? That I wouldn't rather be looking at my wife? I'm married. I have responsibilities. She, she doesn't drive me crazy. She doesn't make it impossible for me to feel normal. She doesn't make me sick to my stomach thinking about my veterinarian touching her with his hands. Man, I would give anything not to be looking at you.
Friday, 11 December 2009
Chocolate
Confession #1:I'm not really ashamed of myself. I just know that you're ashamed of me. And that hurts.
"Love always find a path, if it doesn't, wasn't Love. "
Today I am infinite.
I went a tiny little HUGE bit high this arvo after Prad's party.
What? Me? High? Never!
But yea, I was just alittle psycho.
Because I had this song stuck in my head.
And it made me think of you.
And thinking of you makes me smile.
And then I sneezed twice.
And then I just went nuts :L:L
I love you.
I have been trying to convince myself not to rant about you but OMGSH YOU ARE SUCH AN ANNOYING PIECE OF SHIT. I mean, yeah, I like talking to you, sure. But not when you're like that! Because then I feel all bleh on the insides, and then I start questioning my moral fibre (ty hp), and then I go batshit crazy. And it's all because you feel the need to be such a bloody prick and mention things that you know make people feel uncomfortable, but that's why you do it. Because you're crazy and twisted, and want to see how people take it, and how they will react, and I gave you a positive reaction, sure, but I didn't get it.
...And I don't think anyone else even noticed.
SPEAKING of not noticing things.
What. The. Hell?
I can't believe that you are so coldhearted and selfabsorbed to not NOTICE. And worse than that, you told me off. You didn't give a shit, and THEN YOU TOLD ME OFF. Which just backs up my point and it makes me like you less, for not caring at all about me. But I feel GUILTY for liking you less. Because you make me feel like it's my fault that you don't care. And now I keep questioning myself EVERY SINGLE SECOND because I feel like I OWE YOU.
And you know what, you didn't even notice the TOTAL INEQUALITY let alone CARE. No one noticed. No one cared. I can't believe you're all such arseholes.
You are so bloody up yourself. I mean, seriously, you think you're some amazing popular intelligent person and that you deserve all this crap. And truthfully, you don't deserve it. Because quite frankly you're an idiot. And you piss people off. And your friends have started to bitch about you. Yeah, no kidding. And I can't help but join in...
I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
---
Tell me what to do, and I will do it. I will make it right I promise. Your wish is my command. Tell me how to fix everything. Tell me how to deal with it. STOP TELLING ME THAT YOU DON'T LIKE HOW THINGS ARE, AND TELL ME HOW YOU WANT THEM TO BE. Just talk to me. Stop upsetting me, stop making me cry. Stop telling me how upset you are. And tell me what to do about it.
"Love always find a path, if it doesn't, wasn't Love. "
"Fuck Prince Charming. Be my Spider-man?" – JustAFaceInTheCrowd
please don't be my spiderman. be my chocolate. and i will be your nintendo 64.
Today I am infinite.
I went a tiny little HUGE bit high this arvo after Prad's party.
What? Me? High? Never!
But yea, I was just alittle psycho.
Because I had this song stuck in my head.
And it made me think of you.
And thinking of you makes me smile.
And then I sneezed twice.
And then I just went nuts :L:L
I love you.
I have been trying to convince myself not to rant about you but OMGSH YOU ARE SUCH AN ANNOYING PIECE OF SHIT. I mean, yeah, I like talking to you, sure. But not when you're like that! Because then I feel all bleh on the insides, and then I start questioning my moral fibre (ty hp), and then I go batshit crazy. And it's all because you feel the need to be such a bloody prick and mention things that you know make people feel uncomfortable, but that's why you do it. Because you're crazy and twisted, and want to see how people take it, and how they will react, and I gave you a positive reaction, sure, but I didn't get it.
...And I don't think anyone else even noticed.
SPEAKING of not noticing things.
What. The. Hell?
I can't believe that you are so coldhearted and selfabsorbed to not NOTICE. And worse than that, you told me off. You didn't give a shit, and THEN YOU TOLD ME OFF. Which just backs up my point and it makes me like you less, for not caring at all about me. But I feel GUILTY for liking you less. Because you make me feel like it's my fault that you don't care. And now I keep questioning myself EVERY SINGLE SECOND because I feel like I OWE YOU.
And you know what, you didn't even notice the TOTAL INEQUALITY let alone CARE. No one noticed. No one cared. I can't believe you're all such arseholes.
You are so bloody up yourself. I mean, seriously, you think you're some amazing popular intelligent person and that you deserve all this crap. And truthfully, you don't deserve it. Because quite frankly you're an idiot. And you piss people off. And your friends have started to bitch about you. Yeah, no kidding. And I can't help but join in...
I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
---
Tell me what to do, and I will do it. I will make it right I promise. Your wish is my command. Tell me how to fix everything. Tell me how to deal with it. STOP TELLING ME THAT YOU DON'T LIKE HOW THINGS ARE, AND TELL ME HOW YOU WANT THEM TO BE. Just talk to me. Stop upsetting me, stop making me cry. Stop telling me how upset you are. And tell me what to do about it.
Friday, 27 November 2009
Feeling girly
Confession#22: I hate it when you make everything about you. Some things are about me.
I've spent so much time pretending that you don't affect me.
I'm not jealous of you... I don't think.
I'm not really sure actually, I don't know what jealousy feels like.
I just doubt that I'm a good person when you're around.
You who understand everyone and everything.
You, the naturally intelligent, naturally beautiful.
You with the perfect body, the perfect family, the perfect life.
Will I ever compare to that?
When I stand next to you, can anyone even see me?
I know what it's like to live your life feeling like you're second best.
I know what it's like to need to impress everyone just so you can feel like you've beat HER, in at least one aspect.
I know what it's like to hear someone else tell you over and over how perfect SHE is. How pretty SHE is. How lucky SHE is.
I know what it's like to cry yourself to sleep at night, because you'll never ever be as good as HER.
But I don't know what it's like to be her.
I'm not really sure where this whole post is coming from or what it means. I guess, I've been thinking a lot lately about how I feel second best to her. I told her, too, and she laughed at me, telling me how silly I was for feeling like that, but it only made me feel worse. I hate it when she laughs at me.
“I want to know exactly what makes you smile, and I want to know your problems. I want to know what days you’re waking up on the wrong side of the bed; I want to know how many pillows you sleep with. I want to know why you sleep with a window open. I want to know if I’m ever needed, if I’m good enough to keep you warm at night. I want to know if I even have a chance anymore. I want to know everything about you. I want to know your past, your future, you’re betweens. I want to know your favourite colors, the things you love, well basically everything. Because I love you.”
"Tell me that we belong together." – randomperson
I've spent so much time pretending that you don't affect me.
I'm not jealous of you... I don't think.
I'm not really sure actually, I don't know what jealousy feels like.
I just doubt that I'm a good person when you're around.
You who understand everyone and everything.
You, the naturally intelligent, naturally beautiful.
You with the perfect body, the perfect family, the perfect life.
Will I ever compare to that?
When I stand next to you, can anyone even see me?
I know what it's like to live your life feeling like you're second best.
I know what it's like to need to impress everyone just so you can feel like you've beat HER, in at least one aspect.
I know what it's like to hear someone else tell you over and over how perfect SHE is. How pretty SHE is. How lucky SHE is.
I know what it's like to cry yourself to sleep at night, because you'll never ever be as good as HER.
But I don't know what it's like to be her.
I'm not really sure where this whole post is coming from or what it means. I guess, I've been thinking a lot lately about how I feel second best to her. I told her, too, and she laughed at me, telling me how silly I was for feeling like that, but it only made me feel worse. I hate it when she laughs at me.
Monday, 23 November 2009
Afraid.
Confession #16: Although I got over you more than a year ago, I still care what you think of me. I want you to finally give a damn.
I'm not the person I wanted to be.
Maybe... I never was.
And I hate what this all comes down to.
Me never being the right person.
Never making the right choices.
I went down a path of making decisions I wasn't ready for.
And I made up my mind not to do that in the future.
But I did.
I did it again.
I still... love this new me though.
I'm so happy being her.
She smiles much more easily.
She knows what she wants. She goes and gets it.
Sure, she cares about everyone else.
But she actually gives a damn about herself.
She will let you take her photo.
Although I hate that this person is not someone the old me would approve of.
And it's not someone that society will approve of.
It's someone I WANT to be.
I want to love myself.
...And I do.
“My point is, when I fall in love, I fall HARD. I fall for real, and I fall completely.”
"Your lips should be against mine." - CobbleStone
I'm not sure when I decided I would go against who I thought I was.
I'm not the person I wanted to be.
Maybe... I never was.
And I hate what this all comes down to.
Me never being the right person.
Never making the right choices.
I went down a path of making decisions I wasn't ready for.
And I made up my mind not to do that in the future.
But I did.
I did it again.
I still... love this new me though.
I'm so happy being her.
She smiles much more easily.
She knows what she wants. She goes and gets it.
Sure, she cares about everyone else.
But she actually gives a damn about herself.
She will let you take her photo.
Although I hate that this person is not someone the old me would approve of.
And it's not someone that society will approve of.
It's someone I WANT to be.
I want to love myself.
...And I do.
Monday, 9 November 2009
My Greatest Adventure
Confession #23: I thought about you for the end of the science exam. It makes me sad. I wish it didn't.
It's scary.
I don't know what to do, that's all.
I don't know what's expected of me.
Why is life so bloody hard to deal with?
I've realised that I don't have a problem with my old attitude.
I don't mind if I rant every now and then.
This is my blog, it is my space.
I'm a hormonal bitchy teenage girl. THIS IS WHAT WE DO.
And when it's not ranty, it's all lovey dovey. =L
I just mood swing a lot.
I know they tell you to live everyday as if it is your last, but I think that's stupid.
If today was my last day there's no way in hell I would spend 4 hours of it doing exams.
But since I have the rest of my life and all that, I guess it's ok.
Besides, camp next week. =)
Which also happens to include MY BIRTHDAY (again).
After everything I've gone through to get here.
I'm home.
I feel... cared about.
Maybe I can actually get something right, while I'm here too.
(No, I don't know why I'm suddenly happy, I think it had something to do with perspective)
I have a feeling one of us has gone completely crazy.
And I'm actually quite certain that it's me.
Which is... a bit of an issue.
To say the least.
But whilst I'm sitting here.
All crazy and all.
I think I might just enjoy it.
"I am feeling the need to do some drinking. Actually, I’m feeling the need to do some crying, but my tear ducts seem to be too proud, so I am going to do some drinking instead."
"Death; giving life meaning since creation." – coulda.been.a.comet
It's scary.
I don't know what to do, that's all.
I don't know what's expected of me.
Why is life so bloody hard to deal with?
I've realised that I don't have a problem with my old attitude.
I don't mind if I rant every now and then.
This is my blog, it is my space.
I'm a hormonal bitchy teenage girl. THIS IS WHAT WE DO.
And when it's not ranty, it's all lovey dovey. =L
I just mood swing a lot.
I know they tell you to live everyday as if it is your last, but I think that's stupid.
If today was my last day there's no way in hell I would spend 4 hours of it doing exams.
But since I have the rest of my life and all that, I guess it's ok.
Besides, camp next week. =)
Which also happens to include MY BIRTHDAY (again).
After everything I've gone through to get here.
I'm home.
I feel... cared about.
Maybe I can actually get something right, while I'm here too.
(No, I don't know why I'm suddenly happy, I think it had something to do with perspective)
I have a feeling one of us has gone completely crazy.
And I'm actually quite certain that it's me.
Which is... a bit of an issue.
To say the least.
But whilst I'm sitting here.
All crazy and all.
I think I might just enjoy it.
Sunday, 8 November 2009
Miss me.
Confession #13: I just realised that I haven't blogged all week and thus broke my new years resolution. In bloody november =(
"The average person tells 4 lies a day, or 1460 a year a total of 88,000 by the age of 60. And the most common lie is: I’m fine."
"They say I'm like my mother......" - katielea
Dammit. Sometime I feel like a royal idiot.
And I'm not really sure why.
I mean, I can't really think of something particularly stupid I've done lately.
I'm just so sad.
Most of the time it's because big things are so far out of my control and I want to help, or stop things from happening, or just create a smile, but I can't. Because I'm so insignificant.
I feel like stuffing a huge pillow in my face.
Or whacking myself over the head with something.
I feel like hiding, actually.
Because everything is so much bigger than me.
And I am so small.
I don't even matter.
I'm trying so hard to be better, to do better, to act better.
I'm not so sure I even know what IS better.
What am I comparing it all to?
...what the hell am I even doing?
I know that.
I know they're not the best.
I just don't know what I want from the best.
I don't know what I want from myself.
I don't know where I'm going.
And I don't know who I'm taking.
But you're all welcome to come along for the ride.
And then you mention something that you've been hiding the whole time and there's nothing I can really do but cry because you didn't trust me to know in the first and you definately don't trust me to be able to help and I thought that maybe I was actually good for you but now I realise that I'm exactly what you don't need and nothing I ever do will be good enough for someone as beautiful as you and I know I'm not worth it but I thought I was because I've always put all this effort into doing the right thing before I realise that what I'm doing is wrong and it's a vicious cycle I'm stuck in and in the end I know I'm just going to end up lonely.
I don't even know who would miss me at this stage.
Everyone seems so happy to just walk away and leave me here.
I think people just assume I don't need them.
Because I don't tell them everyday like I used to.
And I want to tell you all how much I need you.
But I'm so embarrassed.
To be tied to something so insignificant.
Ugh, I think I need to go to bed.
Sorry for my ranting.
Dammit. Sometime I feel like a royal idiot.
And I'm not really sure why.
I mean, I can't really think of something particularly stupid I've done lately.
I'm just so sad.
Most of the time it's because big things are so far out of my control and I want to help, or stop things from happening, or just create a smile, but I can't. Because I'm so insignificant.
I feel like stuffing a huge pillow in my face.
Or whacking myself over the head with something.
I feel like hiding, actually.
Because everything is so much bigger than me.
And I am so small.
I don't even matter.
I'm trying so hard to be better, to do better, to act better.
I'm not so sure I even know what IS better.
What am I comparing it all to?
...what the hell am I even doing?
I know that.
I know they're not the best.
I just don't know what I want from the best.
I don't know what I want from myself.
I don't know where I'm going.
And I don't know who I'm taking.
But you're all welcome to come along for the ride.
And then you mention something that you've been hiding the whole time and there's nothing I can really do but cry because you didn't trust me to know in the first and you definately don't trust me to be able to help and I thought that maybe I was actually good for you but now I realise that I'm exactly what you don't need and nothing I ever do will be good enough for someone as beautiful as you and I know I'm not worth it but I thought I was because I've always put all this effort into doing the right thing before I realise that what I'm doing is wrong and it's a vicious cycle I'm stuck in and in the end I know I'm just going to end up lonely.
I don't even know who would miss me at this stage.
Everyone seems so happy to just walk away and leave me here.
I think people just assume I don't need them.
Because I don't tell them everyday like I used to.
And I want to tell you all how much I need you.
But I'm so embarrassed.
To be tied to something so insignificant.
Ugh, I think I need to go to bed.
Sorry for my ranting.
Wednesday, 28 October 2009
Karen is cool!
"Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticise others"
Confession #35: I can't spell criticise, or occassionally. =S
"Someone is always better than you" - soulcages
Today's post is inspired by Karen. She is my bloggy twin. She makes me smile. =) And she thinks I have sexy legs =D
I can't swallow a tablet or whistle. But my sister can't use a canopener, and my mum can't roll an R. And maybe you can't click, or swim, or ride a bike, but it doesn't really matter. There's more to life than being able to click, and it's time we appreciated the important things.
You know what? I give awesome hugs.
And my sister is an amazingly loyal friend.
And you guys are reading my blog!
And that's something all in itself.
Thank you =)
At first she didn't really know what she was getting herself into. She didn't mean to fall in love... not really. But then he started being all amazing and wonderful, and telling her she was special, and making her feel worthwhile. And... after a little while, she started believeing him, until eventually, she couldn't survive without hearing what he had to say. And at some point in time, it went beyond wanting to hear good things about herself, she just wanted to hear what he was going to say next. She just wanted him to know that he was beautiful too. She was just in love with him.
He tells her everyday that she is beautiful. Everyday. Sometimes she says "so are you", and sometimes she says "maybe I am", but she never really accepts it. It's so hard for her to see. He doesn't think he's beautiful either, and she tells him everyday too. But they make each other want to believe it. And that is something in itself.
I'm actually quite terrified of the truth.
She told me the truth today.
She often does.
It makes me want to kill her.
Sometimes, the truth isn't very pretty.
And sometimes, what people think is the truth, is just half a story they will never bother to hear the ending to.
So she can tell me her stupid twisted idea of the truth.
But she is wrong.
They're all wrong.
I haven't seen butterflies in a while...
I remember seeing a lot of butterflies when I was little. Me and Nikki used to chase them around the back yard. Mum didn't like the white ones so we'd chase them. Everything seemed so colourful when I was little. All of my memories seem so colourful. Maybe, my mind has faded like a photograph.
I just wanted to personally thank you for ruining my life.
I can never look at myself the same.
I can never be proud of myself.
I'm not sure I can ever love myself.
I am scarred by the very thought of you.
I want to wake up and find out it was all a dream.
Sometimes I feel like my opinion doesn't matter for anything.
I care so much about what other people think of me, that I've stopped caring what I think of myself. I don't even know what I think of myself.
I'd rather have everyone else in the world like who I am, than like myself.
And I think I do it all for her.
I've never been good enough.
I've never been right.
I've never lived up to her expectations.
And I want to make someone, anyone proud of me.
But I'm not good enough.
I'll never be good enough.
Because at the end of the day, I don't even like myself.
Confession #35: I can't spell criticise, or occassionally. =S
"Someone is always better than you" - soulcages
Today's post is inspired by Karen. She is my bloggy twin. She makes me smile. =) And she thinks I have sexy legs =D
I can't swallow a tablet or whistle. But my sister can't use a canopener, and my mum can't roll an R. And maybe you can't click, or swim, or ride a bike, but it doesn't really matter. There's more to life than being able to click, and it's time we appreciated the important things.
You know what? I give awesome hugs.
And my sister is an amazingly loyal friend.
And you guys are reading my blog!
And that's something all in itself.
Thank you =)
At first she didn't really know what she was getting herself into. She didn't mean to fall in love... not really. But then he started being all amazing and wonderful, and telling her she was special, and making her feel worthwhile. And... after a little while, she started believeing him, until eventually, she couldn't survive without hearing what he had to say. And at some point in time, it went beyond wanting to hear good things about herself, she just wanted to hear what he was going to say next. She just wanted him to know that he was beautiful too. She was just in love with him.
He tells her everyday that she is beautiful. Everyday. Sometimes she says "so are you", and sometimes she says "maybe I am", but she never really accepts it. It's so hard for her to see. He doesn't think he's beautiful either, and she tells him everyday too. But they make each other want to believe it. And that is something in itself.
I'm actually quite terrified of the truth.
She told me the truth today.
She often does.
It makes me want to kill her.
Sometimes, the truth isn't very pretty.
And sometimes, what people think is the truth, is just half a story they will never bother to hear the ending to.
So she can tell me her stupid twisted idea of the truth.
But she is wrong.
They're all wrong.
I haven't seen butterflies in a while...
I remember seeing a lot of butterflies when I was little. Me and Nikki used to chase them around the back yard. Mum didn't like the white ones so we'd chase them. Everything seemed so colourful when I was little. All of my memories seem so colourful. Maybe, my mind has faded like a photograph.
I just wanted to personally thank you for ruining my life.
I can never look at myself the same.
I can never be proud of myself.
I'm not sure I can ever love myself.
I am scarred by the very thought of you.
I want to wake up and find out it was all a dream.
Sometimes I feel like my opinion doesn't matter for anything.
I care so much about what other people think of me, that I've stopped caring what I think of myself. I don't even know what I think of myself.
I'd rather have everyone else in the world like who I am, than like myself.
And I think I do it all for her.
I've never been good enough.
I've never been right.
I've never lived up to her expectations.
And I want to make someone, anyone proud of me.
But I'm not good enough.
I'll never be good enough.
Because at the end of the day, I don't even like myself.
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