The Meaning of Life

Riding with despair prohibited

Confession #9: I am angry, sad, and terrified. Why can't you give me what you promised?

“You left. I stayed. We both cried.

Time.”

"life sucks. so we eat cookies" – justkharp

I think I've just lost it.
And seriously, my family holiday on Sunday, NO ONE wants to go. We all feel so terribubble about leaving. And so WE SHOULD.

Ugh, my mind is overloaded with all this crap, and the only way to get it all out is to cry.

Which I did.
At the dentist.
And after that...
Walking home from coles.

Because, if you're gonna make a complete fool of yourself, you may as well give everyone a good view, right?

I think I might just go and find some custard and whipped cream and eat all my emotions until I stop feeling like this.

But honestly, I just can't do it anymore.

PS: I'm sorry fat fish, for thinking you were pregnant, when you were sick. I'm sorry I was so excited.

Catch upp

So, yeah, long time no talky.
What has happened with you Ebony?

Well...

*I did my english assessment and only got 35 minutes for it... because, well, teachers are stupid, and Ms Schultz says I can appeal and blah blah but who can be bothered?
*My enter key is broken, it gets stuck heaps, and I just backspaced stacks of lines
*My whole class pretty much feels crappy about physics considering even the top score in our class for the research task was pretty crap, and the rest are worse.
*I realised I have 4 classes with Richard. Yes, it took me 10 weeks to figure it out.
*I am pretty much screwed for English. Just in general. And should be doing that instead of this. But, ehh.
*Mr Peck likes Tim Minchin. =SS Why must he make me like him? He is not a good person =(
*Ms Schultz makes me feel cared about =) She was all nice and everything to me today when I was sorta freaking out
*English just generally makes me want to cry
*Me and my train people totally gossiped about every teacher in our school today =DD
*My puppy dog had an operation yesterday, and has stitches and stuff, but he'll be okayy.
*Our whole grade pretty much hates their half yearly timetables.
*I just feel tired. I think this long weekend will be very good for me. I look forward to sleep and chocolate. And the easter show with my people =)
*Today is April Fools and everyone was too stressy to notice =L
*Me and Amy stalked Mr Robson for his email =DD Plus I have all my teachers except Dillon's
*Pitt told us about this cool science thingo that I don't think I can go to because I'm going to Tasmania.
*The dragons play tomorrow and this game may determine my happiness for the week :L:L Seriously! We're top of the table!! =D
*I've been listening to a lot of music lately, it makes me happy.
*I keep feeling like studying. Like at the station today, I totally cracked and opened a book :L

Live long and prosper

Rant #3

Today, Mum said to me "You never spend time with your family anymore. You only do homework and get sick"

Seriously?
Seriously?
That's HER problem?
That I don't have any spare time between doing homework and getting sick?
SHE has a problem with that????
She doesn't think that MAYBE, JUST MAYBE I might also find that a little difficult to live with?
That maybe a life of illness and homework doesn't completely piss me off?

Ok, now that I've ranted I need to go and take some medicine and then finish my maths homework. Hopefully, before the Dragons game. Which I hopefully manage to stay awake for even though i start work at 8:30 tomorrow morning. =S

----


PS: I'm sorry =(
I didn't mean... yeah.
I love you.

dfgdfighnsdjkfkjdrnf

I opened a word document to write my practise English creative writing question.
That was half an hour ago.
I still haven't written anything.

I don't get what I'm supposed to do.

I don't think I've ever understood what I'm supposed to do for English.
How are we meant to relate it to authority and leadership?

I don't get it.

---

Yeah, I think that's all I really wanted to say.

I feel much better now.

Well, actually I don't.
But I can pretend.

More beautiful than ever before.

Confession #58: I think chicks in underwear are really sexy. Really, really sexy. I think guys in underwear are sexy too, I’m not totally lesbian. But like, the Bonds ads, wow, they are sexy chicks.

"I think that sometimes we love people so much that we become numb to it.

because if we actually felt how much we really loved them, it would kill us."

"Want to shout "I LOVE YOU"." - music_girl

I haven't blogged in a while, I don't really have time. Even this is only an excuse to not do my english essay. Or write my creative writing piece. Or write study notes. Or get ready for work.

Life has been steadily good. I really love school. I don't like how much time I have to dedicate to it (although when I look at last year, it's not so bad by comparison). Sometimes I wish other people could love school as easily, it makes everything so simple.

I think I've found a good rhythm. A balance of everything in my life. I know it's still not perfect, because it still hurts people, but this year I'm supposed to be doing things for me, not anyone else.

I'm going to go and actually do that essay now, so, I'll blog later (later being an unspecified amount of days).

Live long, and prosper.

Get to know me.

I've had this for ages, since Amy did it. But I waited till Rosa and Candy did it to be inspired enough to actually post it.

I am a morning person.
I am a perfectionist.
I am an only child.
I am Catholic.
I am currently in my PJs.
I am currently pregnant.
I am currently suffering from a broken heart.
I am left handed.
I am married.
I am addicted to MySpace.
I’m shy around the opposite sex.
I bite my nails.
I currently regret something I have done.
When I get mad I curse.
I don’t like anyone.
I enjoy country music.
I enjoy jazz music.
I have a car. (I haven’t paid for it yet, so I guess it doesn’t count? Even though it lives at my house and I drive it everyday :L)
I have a cell phone.
I have a pet.
I have at least one brother or sister.
I have been to another country.
I have been told that I’m smart.
I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humour.
I have had a broken bone.
I have caller ID on my phone.
I have changed a lot over the past year.
I have had surgery.
I have killed another person.
I have had my hair cut within the last week.
I have had the cops called on me.
I have kissed someone I knew I shouldn’t.
I have kissed someone of the same gender.
I have mood swings.
I have rejected someone before.
I have seen the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
I have watched Sex and the City.
I like Shakespeare.
I love to cook.
I love Michael Jackson.
I love sleeping.
I love to shop. (only at coles =D)
I miss someone right now.
I own over 100 CDs.
I own over 100 DVDs.
I own and use a library card.
I practice a religion that is not considered mainstream.
I read books for pleasure in my spare time.
I sleep a lot during the day.
I strongly dislike math.
I think Britney Spears is pretty.
I will try ALMOST anything once.
I work at a job that I enjoy.
I would classify myself as ghetto.
I can name all seven dwarfs from Snow White.
I am currently wearing socks.
I am tired.
I am currently waiting for someone.
I lost contact with someone.
I hate Miley Cyrus.
I think Party In The USA is catchy.
I’d date Harry Potter.
I can name all the past presidents of the United States.
I know who was president before George Bush.
I love pickles.
I need the internet to live.
I prefer vanilla over chocolate.
I watched Star Trek.
I watched all six movies of Star Wars.
I own an Xbox.
I think music is life.

I. Music (BOLD THE ONES YOU LIKE)
Acceptance. Coldplay. Dave Matthews Band. David Bowie. Foo Fighters. Hellogoodbye. The Killers. James Blunt. Teddy Geiger. Linkin Park. Muse. Ok Go. Panic! At The Disco. Peter Bjorn.The Postal Service.Timbaland. Jack Johnson. Norah Jones. Drake.The Fray. The Wreckers. Michael Buble. Beyoncé. Metallica. Massive Attack. Queen. Journey. The Cars. Supertramp. Eurythmics. Sublime. The Red Hot Chili Peppers. Wu-tang Clan. Fergie. Sarah McLachlan. Band of Horses. John Mayer. Jason Mraz. Justin Timberlake. Michael Jackson. Kenny Chesney. Carrie Underwood. Lynyrd Skynyrd. Neil Young. The Beatles. Brad Paisley. Tim McGraw. Taylor Swift. P. Diddy. Jay Z. Lil’ Wayne. Lil’ Jon. Three 6 Mafia. Nelly. Young Joc. T.I. Sean Paul. 50 Cent. Eminem. Eiffel 65. Ace of Base. The Underdog Project. Dream Theater. Santana. Alicia Keys. Incubus. Victor Wooten. Ludacris. Gorillaz. Mayday Parade. Arctic Monkeys. Matchbox 20. Paramore. Say Anything. Taking Back Sunday. Eric Clapton. The Darkness. Weezer. The Eagles. Jimi Hendrix. Maroon 5. Billy Joel.Reel Big Fish. Anberlin. Mae. Family Force 5. AC/DC. Hootie and the Blowfish. Electric Six. Outkast. R.E.M. The White Stripes. Prince. Mika. Crystal Castles. Does It Offend You, Yeah. The Klaxons. Britney Spears. Spice Girls. The Gossip. Lady GaGa. Nirvana. Smashing Pumpkins. Third Eye Blind. Metro Station. Motion City Soundtrack. The Rocket Summer. Tenacious D. Something Corporate. The All-American Rejects. The Moldy Peaches. Cold War Kids. Macy Gray. Mandy Moore. Plain White T’s. Train.Yeah Yeah Yeahs. My Chemical Romance. Fall Out Boy. We the Kings.The Rolling Stones. Angels & Airwaves. The Beastie Boys.The Strokes. Black Eyed Peas. Boys Like Girls. Miley Cyrus. Hannah Montana. Jonas Brothers. Demi Lovato. Selena Gomez. The Cure.Cobra Starship. Death Cab for Cutie. Deftones. Team Sleep. Filter. Goo Goo Dolls. Honor Society.Nevershoutnever! Katy Perry. Kid Cudi. Owl City.

II. Movies (BOLD THE ONES YOU’VE SEEN)
Pride and Prejudice. Glory Road. The Princess Bride. Goonies. Center Stage.Ocean’s Eleven. Seven. Newsies. 300. Robin Hood Men In Tights. Love Actually. Garden State. Donnie Darko. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless. My Best Friend’s Wedding. Anchorman. Drop Dead Gorgeous. Wedding Crashers. Elf. Zoolander. Austin Powers. Clueless. Mean Girls. Hairspray. Moulin Rouge. Fight Club. Rocky. Pulp Fiction. What A Girl Wants. Kill Bill. Thank You For Smoking. Little Miss Sunshine. Requiem for a Dream. The Departed. Dawn of the Dead. Memento. The Lovely Bones. 17 Again. 8 Mile. Office Space. Snakes on a Plane. Boondock Saints. Say Anything. The Silence of the Lambs. Saving Private Ryan. Superbad.The Prestige. Just Friends. The Devil Wears Prada. Under the Tuscan Sun. Titanic. Steel Magnolias. Saw.Ace Ventura. She’s the Man. Because I Said So. Catch and Release. Music and Lyrics. Spanglish. Stick It. Step Up. The Fast and the Furious. Joyride. Halloween. The Italian Job. Crash. Must Love Dogs. The Last Kiss. Chicago.Harry Potter. Rush Hour. Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Clerks. Shooter. The Bourne Identity. Meet the Parents. Dirty Dancing. A Christmas Story. Rudy.National Treasure. Sleepless in Seattle. Miss Congeniality. The Science of Sleep. The Matrix. Everything is Illuminated. Good Will Hunting. Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Empire Records. Phantom of the Opera. Lord of the Rings. Click. Scarface. District 9.

III. TV (BOLD THE ONES YOU’VE WATCHED MORE THAN A COUPLE OF TIMES)
ER. Grey’s Anatomy. Saved by the Bell. Man vs. Wild. Scrubs. South Park. America’s Next Top Model. Gossip Girl. Sex and the City. Friends. Dawson’s Creek. The Big Bang Theory. Seinfeld. The Office. Lost. Miami Ink. Made. Arrested Development. That 70’s Show. Family Guy. The Simpsons. Veronica Mars. Project Runway. Bones. Iron Chef. Alias. Pushing Dasies. Gilmore Girls. The Colbert Report. The Daily Show.Mythbusters. Avatar: The Last Airbender. Will and Grace. 24. House. To Catch A Predator. Whistler. Heroes. Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Unsolved Mysteries. 7th Heaven. Everybody Loves Raymond. Boston Legal. Bleach. What I Like About You. Reba. King of Queens. Survivor. The O.C. American Idol. Days of Our Lives. How I Met Your Mother. CSI. Boy Meets World.Law and Order. Numbers. Reno 911. I Love New York. Step by Step. Little People Big World. What Not To Wear. My Wife and Kids. Moonlight.Supernatural. Ace of Cakes. White Collar. Nip/Tuck. The Biggest Loser.Beauty and the Geek. Battlestar Galactica. Stargate SG1. The Inferno. Scarred. Wild N Out. Real World. Whose Line is it Anyway?. Trinity Blood. Dead Like Me. Dragon Ball Z. Futurama. Firefly. Medium. Star Trek. X-files. Cowboy BeBop. Sailor Moon. My Name is Earl. Six Feet Under. Dancing With The Stars. Degrassi. Greek. Glee. Secret Life of the American Teenager. The Hills. Laguna Beach. Vampire Diaries.

Psychotic.

Confession#56: I love the smell of lynx and shaving cream. I think it’s because for as long as I can remember, my Dad has always smelt of lynx and shaving cream. But I love it when guys spray lynx at school, it makes me feel safe and happy.

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true."

"I am psychotic, love me regardless?" – warped reality

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

So... life.
Everything is spinning in my head at the moment. I know I should be doing more homework since I'm working tomorrow, but the prospect of thinking is giving me a headache and I think maybe I'm stressing myself out too much again.

"Every generalization is dangerous. Especially this one."

I think maybe that little fairytale of my life came about 2 years too late. Or at least, a year and a half. I think it could have been a fairytale, maybe, if you'd let me see what you showed everyone else. Why wait until today?

"Do not take candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride."

I am a little bit over life and I would greatly appreciate a weekend around about now. As in, a weekend without work, without homework, without assignments, without 8 minute speeches, without studying. Just a weekend. Or just one day, if that's all there is.

"Life, n: A whim of several billion cells to be you for awhile."

I don't know where you are in your life, and I really would like to. I don't think we should be friends because I don't think we'd make good friends. But maybe pen pals, or something. Something where we just update each other on what's going on. Maybe I worry about you?

"If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable."

Maybe the least you could do is tell me what the hell is going on with you.

"Age is a number, not a limitation."
~Brendon Urie.

It would've been nice if you said yes. I miss you, you know. But I think we're getting closer. That makes me happy.

"I doubt, therefore I might be."

What if this is it?
Is that okay? Or would you rather have something to live for?

"Alright, every band tells you to raise your middle finger, for fuck this, fuck that. But we think that's boring. We want you to hold up your ring finger, because there is someone out there in this world that wants to sleep next to you every night."
~Patrick Stump

Every word you say is like a captured melody. You're the character in the book that everyone listens to, you're the one who's always right. You're Dumbledore, Gandalf, House, Gibbs, Yoda. You're the guy we listen to. Because we know.

"if everybody who sees the ships dies
how do u know there is a ship"

I think I'm a difference person to who I was. I'm me now. I was never me before. I was a shadow of the person I could one day become. But I was not a person. I was merely an echo.

You think I'm insane because you can't hear the music. You can't hear the song I sing along to, the song I dance to. But it's there. Just look for it.

Goodbye sunshines.

help meeh

I know you're hanging out for my blog (ok, maybe not), but I am so swamped with crapp right now, it's sort of impossible.

Stupid public speaking, why am I doing it anyway?

Oh, and if you guys want to help me, I will be ever thankful. My topic is "the truth hurts" so if you can give me some examples of situations when the truth hurts, yeah, that'd be good. Just throw some ideas at me.
ppplllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.

ill blog maybe later (only if i finish my speech so HELP ME)

The Lonely Monster.

Confession #52: I didn't want the crap to get to me. Maybe it didn't. Maybe there's still hope.

"The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad. You know, when sad tries to bite its lip and not cry and smile and say, “No, I’m happy for you”. That’s when it's really sad."

"Planning my existence with broken pen." - GreenBean91

((This is a compilation of lots of different blogs from my past. Enjoy.))

Today, I am infinite.

--

Tell me what to do, and I will do it. I will make it right I promise. Your wish is my command. Tell me how to fix everything. Tell me how to deal with it. STOP TELLING ME THAT YOU DON'T LIKE HOW THINGS ARE, AND TELL ME HOW YOU WANT THEM TO BE. Just talk to me. Stop upsetting me, stop making me cry. Stop telling me how upset you are. And tell me what to do about it.

--

Smiling fights the lonely monster.

--

Tell me your story, and I'll tell you mine.
We'll curlourselves up in a blanket
And sip our hot chocolate
And much on our tim tams
And we'll watch the stars
Wrapped in each others arms
Telling our stories.

--

Everyday is filled with daisies, if you look hard enough. Sometimes you have to stop looking at all the dirt, and focus on the flowers growing from them. You need to plant some seeds, too, if you want to see flowers. And sometimes they won't grow and you will have wasted all that time. And then sometimes they grow to be beautiful, and it is worth every second you put in.

--

I'm afraid time is going to pass so fast that I never get a chance to apreciate you and I know that eventually, it will be too late. And there's a looming feeling in me that eventually is coming sooner than I want it to. I know that I've let chances like this slip by me before, and that that should be some incentive not to let it happen again. But I also have a little part of me saying that it's too late, I've already lost you. There's nothing left for it...

--

Dammit. Sometime I feel like a royal idiot.
And I'm not really sure why.
I mean, I can't really think of something particularly stupid I've done lately.
I'm just so sad.
Most of the time it's because big things are so far out of my control and I want to help, or stop things from happening, or just create a smile, but I can't. Because I'm so insignificant.

--

To be brave is to love someone unconditionally,
without expecting anything in return.
To just give.
That takes courage,
because we don't want to fall on our faces
or leave ourselves open to hurt.

--

He tells her everyday that she is beautiful. Everyday. Sometimes she says "so are you", and sometimes she says "maybe I am", but she never really accepts it. It's so hard for her to see. He doesn't think he's beautiful either, and she tells him everyday too. But they make each other want to believe it. And that is something in itself.

--

I haven't seen butterflies in a while...
I remember seeing a lot of butterflies when I was little. Me and Nikki used to chase them around the back yard. Mum didn't like the white ones so we'd chase them. Everything seemed so colourful when I was little. All of my memories seem so colourful. Maybe, my mind has faded like a photograph.

--

I have so much to give you.

So much love, and heart, and soul.

So much caring.

Everything I have in me.

I am not an empty vessel.

I am brimming with passion and smiles and stories and pictures and romance.

I want to break it, everything inside of me,

into a million tiny pieces

and wrap them up

and give you one everyday

until you have all of them.

All of me.

--

I think you are beautiful and I wish you could see what I see when I look at you.

--

I want to be able to be me without being scared of what everyone else has to think.
I'm scared of getting too close to you, and not being me anymore. I want to keep me. I don't want to become the girl whose name is tagged onto yours. I want to be my own person. I need to be me.

--

But today has been one of those medicore days.

When you can pinpoint the times you've had fun, and smiled

But by the time you get home from school, you're crying.

--

I wrote our initials in led pencil at the train station on my way to work.

They may wash off, but they may stay there forever.

And no one but us will ever know they're there.

--

And she said I like sunsets and sci-fi movies. I will love you for you, and won't care about who people think you are.
I'll always be there for you, and I'll randomly hug you and tell you I love you.
All I ask, she said, is that you love me for me.

--

Sometimes all you can do is play a really loud song, and scream the lyrics at the top of your lungs. To grab someone's hand, and dance around the room, singing into your hairbrush. And when they walk away, you cry and cry. Because everything is not going to be okay. But tomorrow, you will wake up, and smile, and pretend. And everything will be a little closer to okay.

--

You see that sky? It shines just like you!

--

You know when it's been raining all day, and the sky has been grey. Everywhere you look are clouds, and dull, dreary, grey skies. And then the sun peeps out a little. And suddenly, everything lights up. The sky turns a pretty blue, the grass look greener. The world just shines a little. And you have this feeling that everything is going to be okay, everything will work out. And everything is beautiful. That's the feeling I get around you, you're my peep of sunshine.

--

And everyone tells me to slow down. But maybe I don't wanna slow down. Maybe I like doing things fast. Maybe, I just need someone to catch up, and run with me. Because walking isn't very fun. Not that running is fun. It's just... maybe I have somewhere to go. So whilst you all walk around aimlessly, I'm ready to run home.

--

And I am a pain in the ass a great amount of the time, and sometimes I can tell I'm being a pain in the ass, and I keep on being one, but you put up with it, and you're there for me, always. I guess "thank you" doesn't really sum it up properly, but I don't know what else I could say.

--

Nothing's ever going to be perfect.

Your mind and your heart will never agree on everything.

You will never be certain if it is the right thing to do.

Do It Anyway!

Because life is too short to question everything.

stress session

maybe i am pushing myself just a little too hard at the moment to get everything perfect, and to be perfect. but i feel like if i can just get things worked out into some sort of routine, the next 2 years will be a lot easier.

i like the stress. stress makes me work. i've never been the kind of person to stay up till 3am on the day an assignment's due. i'm the person to write down everything i have to do. STRESS OUTTT. and then get it done. a few days before it's due. giving me time to look over everything, and stress out over upcoming things.

that's just my system.
i think it's getting a lot of influence from work lately.
if i know im working during the week, ill do stacks of study on the weekend. if i know im woprking the weekend, ill do all my homework throughout the week. i just try to fit it all. most of the time i succeed.

of course, there is the occassional time when nothing seems to fit. or i misplace something important, or leave a book in my locker, or get called into work, and then i have small emotional breakdowns.

but ive now learned to prepare for emotional breakdowns, and give myself allocated time to have them in, should they be necessary.

and life goes on.
...life always goes on.

(since i havent allocated time for this blog, i must leave you now. but ill blog later, perhaps on the weekend. ill fit it into my schedule ;))

99%

Confession #24: Your words of love for her were worse than any words of hate for me could ever be.

“Sometimes you just need to cry and be sad.

You need to break down and be torn apart.

You need to learn how to pick yourself up and put yourself back together.

Sometimes, the only way to be happy is to give into sadness first.”

"Sorry I'm not what you expected" – theatergirl345

So, it's been a week. A terrible week, actually. And yet, a beautiful week. But I haven't blogged. And yes, I feel bad. But at the same time, I'm glad you guys don't know what was going on in my head throughout the week.

I don't think I'm okay. And I don't think I'm going to be okay. Everything is just too hard. And I'm so used to just ignoring my problems until they go away that I don't know how to deal with things. And it's not going away.



I think I'm actually genuinely surprised that it's not going away. It always used to. Ignoring it was fine.

I mean, when you think about; shit is always going to work out.
It's a rule of the universe.
You can either get through it, or you die.
And 99% of the time, you get through it.
So I expected it to all work out in the end.

Maybe I still am.



And I tell people that crap is getting to me, and they nod knowingly. But they don't know. They just think they know. They just try to be there for me. And, I appreciate that, sure. But, it's not enough. I need someone to sit down with the rulebook to life, and let me flick through the pages. I need to know what the next step is.

So here's to hoping it just blows over.

Alone together =)

Confession#10: I forgot how much it hurt until I went back.
I dont think I can do it anymore.
Why do they get what I can't have?
How can I miss what I've never had?

"Imagine you are a sparrow. And you are sitting on the branch of a tree, looking out at the world. Would you worry why the sky was blue? Would you concern yourself with maths, or physics?"
"No, of course not."
"Why not?"
"Because it would be beyond the comprehension of my brain."
"So then, can you accept the fact that, as a man, there are things out there that are beyond the comprehension of your brain?"
"Well, if I couldn’t accept that, I would be a rather foolish man."

"I'm still in love with you" – dongbadong

It's funny how you go through the year and nothing seems to change but when you look back, everything is different. It's amazing that no matter how much we tell ourselves that we won't change for anyone, we always seem to.
And no matter how much we say we won't care what they think about us, it's the number one thing on our minds.
If you look at how I used to be and you look at me now, you'll realize I'm not the same girl I used to be.
All of this shit got to me.
I've always avoided fights.
I make jokes instead.
I tell people what they want to hear just to avoid confrontation.
I pretend to want things I don't want and I pretend not to want things I do want.
No one gets hurt except me.
The lines are so crossed and blurred at this point that I don't know what I want.
I just know I want it to be easy...


YOU ARE NOT ALONE

Walking through an empty house
Tears in my eyes
This is where the story ends
This is goodbye

"It feels like rain just ran down my face"

Summer turned to winter
And the snow it turned to rain
And the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognized the girl you are today
And god I hope it's not too late
It's not too late

there comes a point when you get scared as well, when you want to stop dancing, but your feet move. and the music is so beautiful, and the tune is so catchy, that you can't help but continue the steps. and your mind says "are you crazy? you're dancing with the devil" and you say "but at least someone will dance with me"

live long and prosper.

I ate an apple

There's no way I haven't blogged for 3 days.
Se impossible.

Confession #8: I still wonder how different my life would be if I had said "yes". I think I like it better like this though.

“A diary is a long winded letter you write to an old person who used to be you.”

"Let's live like today never happened." – imissyoutoo

This is it.
This is today.
Today is so different from yesterday.
Today, the sun rose.
Today, the sun set.
Today, I cut my finger.
Today, I ate an apple.
Today, I went to work.
Today, I helped a friend.
Today, I made a friend.
Today, I warmed someone's heart.
Today, I was lonely.
Today, I was never alone.
Today, I felt beautiful.
Because today, I was me.

And tomorrow, I will wake up and do it all again.
Happy today sunshines.

Step by step guide to life.

A typical day in my life:

6:30am - Wake up. Glad I don't have to be at school for offline but a little bummed about not driving to school.
7:37am - Leave the house and start walking to Hunaiza's
8:08am - Catch train, and terrorise juniors.
8:15am - Arrive at school and talk to people. Realise I left my diary and maths text book at home.
8:40am - Go to role call and vent issues to Ian.
8:55am - Arrive at English with my King Lear book in my locker, and my postit notes MIA.
9:37am - Go to maths without textbook. Vent about frustrations in life to Rhoda.
10:28am - walk out to recess feeling knowledgefull
10:54am - Go to legal studies and find out we have a test on Thursday
11:45am - Go to modern and find out we have a test on Friday (write tests on hand because I don't have diary)
12:31pm - Join Victor's group then mine at lunch. Eat. Smile.
1:00pm - Stop 4 poverty.
1:03pm - Resume movement
1:13pm - Go to physics with Amy and Victor. Take luvos =)
2:04pm - Go to chemistry and be told "if you can do this you can do anything". Make several jokes.
2:55pm - Go home.
3:15pm - Visit Mum at work. Then resume walking home.
3:30pm - Get on computer, read everyone's blogs. Pull out things to study.
4:00pm - Eat.
4:15pm - Study for modern, whilst on msn
6:10pm - Victor rings. Talk to him until mum gets home
6:45pm - Mum gets home. Talk to her until Dad gets home.
7:10pm - Dad gets home. Ask him to go for a driving lesson. Stupidly volunteer self to cook dinner.
7:45pm - Go for a drive. Park at Holsworthy station, Feel cool. Realise blinkers don't work, Feel uncool.
8:40pm - Return home and brag about epic parking skills.
8:45pm - Cook dinner whilst doing maths homework.
9:15pm - Eat dinner whilst doing maths homework (and writing about day)
9:30pm - Start actually homeworking
10:00pm - Get pissed off because I have to get up early tomorrow and don't have time to study for legal.


And that was my day.
Goodnight all.

Live it.

Confession #36: I've been waiting till today to cut my nails because my horoscope says if I cut them today I won't lose my vitality.

"You have the responsibility to not remain silent."

"Sometimes I lie without thinking first." – imissyoudearly



Welcome to tomorrow. The day where all your past mistakes are forgiven and your entire future is uncertain. You don't have to be the same person you were yesterday, you didn't really like them that much anyway. Today you get to be whoever you want to be. And you get to make some new mistakes. Mistakes that won't matter tomorrow.

Honey why you calling me so late?
It's kinda hard to talk right now.
Honey why are you crying? Is everything okay?

It's really good to hear your voice saying my name
It sounds so sweet
Coming from the lips of an angel
Hearing those words it makes me weak

Sometimes, all you need, is someone to look you in the eye, and tell you you did the right thing. Someone to clap their hands, and tell you that they appreciated the effort they gave. So give too many compliments, but critise the parts of yourself you don't like. Strive, everyday to be a better you. To be the best you. Be who you want to be. Forget what everyone else wants. Live for you.

"You see this O'Malley? I make one mistake with this scalpel and this man's dead. My husband, he makes mistakes at his job all the time. As far as I know he's never killed anyone but I have. And YOU WILL. And Alex did. He made a math mistake and a man died for it. Run that past your accountant - see how he'd feel if every mistake he made, someone ended up dead. You don't have to like Alex, you don't have to care about him, but you damn well have to be on his side."

Tell someone you love them. Tell someone you miss them. Tell someone you can't stand the way they treat you. Leave someone. Find someone new. Stop putting up with crap, and demand better. Every day. Every day is allowed to be the best day. Today is the best day of your life. You just have to believe it.

FearLess

Confession #27: Sometimes, I tell myself off for missing you. Then I realise that it's ok to miss you. People will leave; it's allowed to hurt me.

"If you believe in a god and you are correct, you will become an eternal moment of radiance. If you don’t believe in a god, and a benevolent god exists, the same applies.
If there is no god, and we are alone on this spinning ball, then you will return to the earth and slowly become a part of everything. Every breath. Every tree. Every flower. Every cloud.
Every word.
You never need to be afraid."

"i told you the truth. scared?" – cornn

No muscle bound man,
Could take my hand,
From my guy.
No handsome face,
Could ever take the place,
Of my guy,
He may not be a movie star,
But when it comes to being happy,
We are,
There's not a man today,
Who can take me away,
From my guy.

Sometimes,
all you really need
is someone to tell you that
everything is going to be okay.
And I can tell you from experience;
everything
really
is
going
to
be
okay.
You have nothing to fear.

You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay

Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life?
What's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is

Look at me. I'm happy. I'm... me. I like me. I actually like me. You'd be so proud of me right now. I know you are. I know you're watching me and my life, I know you're there to help me when I have to make decisions. I know you're there, and you're proud. Because I'm me. And I'm proud of me too.

"A wise man once said – “You can have anything in life if you’re willing to sacrifice everything else for it.” What he meant is nothing comes without a price. So before you go into battle, you better decide how much you’re willing to lose. Too often going after what feels good means letting go of what you know is right. And letting someone in means abandoning the walls you’ve spent a lifetime building. Of course the toughest sacrifices are the ones we don’t see coming. When we don’t have time to come up with a strategy to pick sides….or to measure the potential loss. When that happens, when the battle chooses us, and not the other way around, that’s when the sacrifice can turn out to be more than we can bear."

But, see, here's the thing. It doesn't matter. None of it. Nothing matters. We all secretly know that everything is going to be okay. That we have a certain destiny, and, one way or another, we're going to get there. Maybe it will take us a while. Maybe, we'll get a little stuck on the way, and we'll have to ask for directions. But we'll get there. We'll all get there someday. So it doesn't matter.

But does it make me a bad person?

Confession#2: I didn't want to be that girl. But, I think, maybe.... I am.

“You close your eyes when you cry. That's ok. Just don't keep them closed too long. Things have become beautiful since you last looked. There's nothing more to cry about.”

"My body is sick of crying." - Anonymous.Secrets

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

[Meredith's mother has Altzheimers and is being tested for liver cancer]
Alex: For what it's worth, I don't know how you're still on your feet. If I found out my mom might have cancer, I'd be under the bar right now.
Meredith: You want the ugly truth?
Alex: What, you have an ugly truth? I never would have picked you to have an ugly truth.
Meredith: I'm more afraid she doesn't have cancer.
Alex: You know, liver cancer's fast. Painful, but it's fast and they give you morphine. They don't give you morphine for Alzheimer's.
Meredith: No, they don't. [Pause] What kind of person wishes their mother had cancer?

I get it. It was dumb. It was stupid. I'm the idiot who wastes her time, everytime. I'm the idiot who can't admit it to myself when there's a problem. Who can't admit it to you when there's a problem. When something's bugging me, I'm the one who shuts up and waits for you to ask. I'm not the talker. I've never been the talker. Sometimes, I pretend to be. Sometimes, I talk, and I tell you all these things so that you won't ask me what's wrong.

I'm the girl who started hugging everyone, everyday, because my heart was breaking, and now it's just routine. It's so routine, that you don't notice when something's wrong anymore. I don't notice when something's wrong anymore. I don't notice until the tears start falling down my face. And what happens then? I run.

I run away from everything. I used to have my special spot I'd run to everytime I ran away, but the some year sevens decided to sit there and now I have no spot. Now I run to people. Now I tell people what's wrong. Now I have a blog, and I vent all my feelings on it so shit doesn't hurt anymore.

Now I run back to you when the crying stops and the aching goes away. Now I run back, and I realise that I shouldn't run anymore. I realise that I've hurt you. I realise that it's too late to run back. That I'm not allowed to run away. Now I have to stop running. Now I have to start facing up to things, and admitting things. Now I have to start letting myself cry every night, like I used to. Now I have to deal with it in my own way.

Hello, my name is Ebony, and I am strong enough.

OMG! AMY'S BACK!

Confession #55: However immature, and worthless it was; it existed. And I can't just forget that.

"I feel like shit. But at least I feel something"

"I over analyze. Therefore, I am." – small.still on a search

All you need is love.
And blogs.
And as I have been offline (=O) for a few weeks, I have had a few blogs to catch up on.
And I thought I'd share the beauty of some of them with you.

STORM by "Happiness isn't lost...... just misplaced"
( Teaser: "Love is what a rainbow sounds like, when it refuses to fear the storm.") (This blog is beautiful guys you HAVE to go read!!)

THE PLACE WHERE YOU GET OFF by "I Wrote This For You"
(Teaser: "You think she's insane. Until, one day, you notice that she's taking pictures of the license plates of the cars her child gets into.")

SLEEP by Happiness isn't lost...... just misplaced"
(Teaser: " You say you're "tired of it all." Yet, you drag yourself through life like a zombie...repeating the same dance, day after day.") (Ah, but at the end of the day, there are parts of the dance that make it worth it, aren't there?)

I'LL WATCH THE SUNRISE WITH YOU by "Confessions of a Candyhol!c"
(Teaser: "Piglet: "How do you spell love? Pooh: "You don't spell it, you feel it."")

ON BSG, MICHAEL BOLTON & A LITTLE TEAM CALLED THE COLTS by "It's like I'm... mmmagic!"
(Teaser: "I took this week off from blogging. I’m pretty sure the responsible thing to do is to let people know you are taking time off, rather than drop off the blogging universe") (Sound like me, anyone?)

TELL ME I'M NORMAL by "It's like I'm... mmmagic!"
(Teaser: "When I go to Starbucks, I become irrationally worried that I’m going to forget my order. I will spend the entire time stuck in the drive thru saying my order on repeat. But attempting to say it casually as well, so I don’t come off as a robot.") (Yes, Brandy, you're totally normal!)

Her man is one I admire
He's so courageous but he's constantly tired
Each time when he speaks his mind
She pats his head and says, "That's all very fine
Exert that will of your own
When you're alone
Now we'd better hurry"
And with no trace of hesitation she keeps going

Head over heels
Breaking her way
Pushing through unknown jungles every day
She's a girl with a taste for the world

"Remember when you were a kid and your biggest worry was, like, if you'd get a bike for your birthday or if you'd get to eat cookies for breakfast? Being an adult? Totally overrated. I mean seriously, don't be fooled by all the hot shoes and the great sex and the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. Adulthood is responsibility. Responsibility, it really does suck. Really, really sucks. Adults have to be places and do things and earn a living and pay the rent. And if you're training to be a surgeon, holding a human heart in your hands, hello? Talk about responsibility. Kind of makes bikes and cookies look really, really good, doesn't it? The scariest part about responsibility? When you screw up and let it slip right through your fingers.

...Responsibility, it really does suck. Unfortunately, once you get past the age of braces and training bras, responsibility doesn't go away. It can't be avoided. Either someone makes us face it or we suffer the consequences. And still adulthood has it perks. I mean the shoes, the sex, the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. That's, pretty damn good."

Maybe if I just continue to steal blog material from other sources, I'll never have to think for myself. And I'll never have to talk about how I feel; admit to myself everything that's wrong.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm currently happier than ever in my life before; I'm just a whinger (wow, and a big fan of semi-colons today). So I, naturally, find things to whinge about. Well, the voice in my head likes to tell me everything that's not good about me and my life, and remind me of stupid things I really don't need reminding of.

Life is a little sunshine and lollipops at the moment. Which is pretty fantabulous. Except, well, little things that I can't really mention. Things that are pretty stupid because I mean like, honestly, it was pretty obvious, wasn't it? And there used to a day when you'd actually notice that sort of stuff but I guess that day has just passed for you.

Not that I'm bitching.... or anything... <>

Not too long ago, on smithteens, we made a list of 100 reasons to smile, which sorta turned into 369 reasons to smile. So now, I'm just going to share a few of them with you. Just in case you need to smile.

13. Drawing something and having it turn out well
55. Air guitar in your underwear when everyone's asleep.
75. Jumping into the ocean with your clothes on
99. Hitting the button to cross the walk multiple times
111. When your hair decides not to do some funky thing.
122. Offering the police some donuts
137. When you suddenly look nice one morning and you have no idea why.
181. Lightsabers
200. Geeky pickup lines
217. When your friends notice something’s wrong
228. Listening to a song that speaks to your soul
279. The perfect pair of jeans
323. Stickers
357. Guys who do really girly things
367. Realizing you never completely gave up on yourself.

So, yeah, I've only been writing for 2 hours, haha. I'm gonna publish this.
Smile.
Ebony loves you!

OMG! I'm Back!

Confession: I’ve been reading my horoscope book all day, and I’m scared by how well it knows me.

“She’s coming over like a suicide
And it’s the same old trip
The same old trip as before
Another complicating suicide
And it’s the same old trip
The same old trip as before”

So, yeah, if you’ve noticed, I’ve been a little MIA lately, what with my Internet being totally used up and intolerable. Which is sort of annoying. But yeah.

I’ve had a good chance to study :L (I KNOW we’ve only been at school for a week, but I actually enjoy studying so leave me alone =P)

Because, well, we have half yearlys in week one next term, but I’m going to hat head for the last week of the holidays, and anna’s going to be here for the first week (I sent you a letter today anna!) so I don’t really have time to write notes, just to study, so I’m gonna write notes all through term. Sound like fun? Indeed.

Meredith: [about her new roommates, George and Izzie] They're everywhere. All the time. Izzie's all perky and George does this thing where he's helpful and considerate. They share food, and they say things, and they move things, and they breathe. Ugh, they're like, happy.
Cristina: Kick them out.
Meredith: I can't kick them out, they just moved in. I asked them to move in.
Cristina: So what, you're just going to repress everything in some deep, dark, twisted place until one day you snap and you kill them?
Meredith: Yep.
Cristina: This is why we are friends.

I am almost cool enough to drive to school (awesomosity isn’t your problem Ebony). So I should be driving on Friday to offline xD. I drove to school on Sunday (yes, it was Sunday, get over it), and apparently I’m always too far to the left of my lane, but dude, if I don’t hit anything, what’s the problem? And then Dad’s all, yeah, you can drive on Wednesday that’s all cool. And then at 10:30 last night he said “oh wait, I have a meeting tomorrow, I have to be at the office by 9, I can’t take you to school”
whatEVER Dad!
We all know you’re avoiding it.
Like last Friday (“oh, it’s the M4 interchange I’ve been invited to a breakfast where we take the M4 off ___insert company____ so we can take the toll off”)
whatEVER Dad!

She was staring out that window, of that SUV
Complaining, saying I can't wait to turn 18
She said I'll make my own money, and I'll make my own rules
Mamma put the car in park out there in front of the school
Then she kissed her head and said I was just like you

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Before she knows it she's a brand new bride
In a one-bedroom apartment, and her daddy stops by
He tells her It's a nice place
She says It'll do for now
Starts talking about babies and buying a house
Daddy shakes his head and says Baby, just slow down

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Five years later there's a plumber workin' on the water heater
Dog's barkin', phone's ringin'
One kid's cryin', one kid's screamin'
She keeps apologizin'
He says They don't bother me.
I've got 2 babies of my own.
One's 36, one's 23.
Huh, it's hard to believe, but ...

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These Are Some Good Times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

You're gonna miss this
Yeah, you're gonna miss this

So yeah, I should probably get back to like, maths homework and stuff . (Since I think the answer should be zero, and, well, it's definately not...)

Hopefully all of that will make up for not blogging in ages.