The Lonely Monster.

Confession #52: I didn't want the crap to get to me. Maybe it didn't. Maybe there's still hope.

"The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad. You know, when sad tries to bite its lip and not cry and smile and say, “No, I’m happy for you”. That’s when it's really sad."

"Planning my existence with broken pen." - GreenBean91

((This is a compilation of lots of different blogs from my past. Enjoy.))

Today, I am infinite.

--

Tell me what to do, and I will do it. I will make it right I promise. Your wish is my command. Tell me how to fix everything. Tell me how to deal with it. STOP TELLING ME THAT YOU DON'T LIKE HOW THINGS ARE, AND TELL ME HOW YOU WANT THEM TO BE. Just talk to me. Stop upsetting me, stop making me cry. Stop telling me how upset you are. And tell me what to do about it.

--

Smiling fights the lonely monster.

--

Tell me your story, and I'll tell you mine.
We'll curlourselves up in a blanket
And sip our hot chocolate
And much on our tim tams
And we'll watch the stars
Wrapped in each others arms
Telling our stories.

--

Everyday is filled with daisies, if you look hard enough. Sometimes you have to stop looking at all the dirt, and focus on the flowers growing from them. You need to plant some seeds, too, if you want to see flowers. And sometimes they won't grow and you will have wasted all that time. And then sometimes they grow to be beautiful, and it is worth every second you put in.

--

I'm afraid time is going to pass so fast that I never get a chance to apreciate you and I know that eventually, it will be too late. And there's a looming feeling in me that eventually is coming sooner than I want it to. I know that I've let chances like this slip by me before, and that that should be some incentive not to let it happen again. But I also have a little part of me saying that it's too late, I've already lost you. There's nothing left for it...

--

Dammit. Sometime I feel like a royal idiot.
And I'm not really sure why.
I mean, I can't really think of something particularly stupid I've done lately.
I'm just so sad.
Most of the time it's because big things are so far out of my control and I want to help, or stop things from happening, or just create a smile, but I can't. Because I'm so insignificant.

--

To be brave is to love someone unconditionally,
without expecting anything in return.
To just give.
That takes courage,
because we don't want to fall on our faces
or leave ourselves open to hurt.

--

He tells her everyday that she is beautiful. Everyday. Sometimes she says "so are you", and sometimes she says "maybe I am", but she never really accepts it. It's so hard for her to see. He doesn't think he's beautiful either, and she tells him everyday too. But they make each other want to believe it. And that is something in itself.

--

I haven't seen butterflies in a while...
I remember seeing a lot of butterflies when I was little. Me and Nikki used to chase them around the back yard. Mum didn't like the white ones so we'd chase them. Everything seemed so colourful when I was little. All of my memories seem so colourful. Maybe, my mind has faded like a photograph.

--

I have so much to give you.

So much love, and heart, and soul.

So much caring.

Everything I have in me.

I am not an empty vessel.

I am brimming with passion and smiles and stories and pictures and romance.

I want to break it, everything inside of me,

into a million tiny pieces

and wrap them up

and give you one everyday

until you have all of them.

All of me.

--

I think you are beautiful and I wish you could see what I see when I look at you.

--

I want to be able to be me without being scared of what everyone else has to think.
I'm scared of getting too close to you, and not being me anymore. I want to keep me. I don't want to become the girl whose name is tagged onto yours. I want to be my own person. I need to be me.

--

But today has been one of those medicore days.

When you can pinpoint the times you've had fun, and smiled

But by the time you get home from school, you're crying.

--

I wrote our initials in led pencil at the train station on my way to work.

They may wash off, but they may stay there forever.

And no one but us will ever know they're there.

--

And she said I like sunsets and sci-fi movies. I will love you for you, and won't care about who people think you are.
I'll always be there for you, and I'll randomly hug you and tell you I love you.
All I ask, she said, is that you love me for me.

--

Sometimes all you can do is play a really loud song, and scream the lyrics at the top of your lungs. To grab someone's hand, and dance around the room, singing into your hairbrush. And when they walk away, you cry and cry. Because everything is not going to be okay. But tomorrow, you will wake up, and smile, and pretend. And everything will be a little closer to okay.

--

You see that sky? It shines just like you!

--

You know when it's been raining all day, and the sky has been grey. Everywhere you look are clouds, and dull, dreary, grey skies. And then the sun peeps out a little. And suddenly, everything lights up. The sky turns a pretty blue, the grass look greener. The world just shines a little. And you have this feeling that everything is going to be okay, everything will work out. And everything is beautiful. That's the feeling I get around you, you're my peep of sunshine.

--

And everyone tells me to slow down. But maybe I don't wanna slow down. Maybe I like doing things fast. Maybe, I just need someone to catch up, and run with me. Because walking isn't very fun. Not that running is fun. It's just... maybe I have somewhere to go. So whilst you all walk around aimlessly, I'm ready to run home.

--

And I am a pain in the ass a great amount of the time, and sometimes I can tell I'm being a pain in the ass, and I keep on being one, but you put up with it, and you're there for me, always. I guess "thank you" doesn't really sum it up properly, but I don't know what else I could say.

--

Nothing's ever going to be perfect.

Your mind and your heart will never agree on everything.

You will never be certain if it is the right thing to do.

Do It Anyway!

Because life is too short to question everything.