Sunday, 11 October 2009
Friday, 9 October 2009
Updates
Charlie has a virus.
As in, more than one.
So he's going to get put down.
And Mr Computer Man is building me another computer.
That is like, absolutely amazingful.
And it's XP, because he says that's better than 7 (anything other than vista is fine by me)
Poor Charlie. He's always been such a good computer.
...Actually, he's always been a pain in the arse.
So this could be a change for the better!
And today, I am going shopping.
An agony all in itself.
But my sister told me we have to spend a day together this holidays, and we have to spend our money.
So Mac Square, here we come!
And mum gave me $50 to spend. Indeed. Wow.
Oh, and I tried on my sister's dress yesterday.
The one I'm wearing to the formal.
And, well, it's a bit shorter on me than it is on her =S
And I don't like anything above my knees.
But then, I can't be bothered to buy one.
And I don't wanna make mum make one like she did for Nikki.
So maybe I can do something with it...
Okaay, well I should go now.
I'm just blogging because I'm bored and no one's online.
But it's ok, no one reads my blog anyway :L
Wish you were here,
As in, more than one.
So he's going to get put down.
And Mr Computer Man is building me another computer.
That is like, absolutely amazingful.
And it's XP, because he says that's better than 7 (anything other than vista is fine by me)
Poor Charlie. He's always been such a good computer.
...Actually, he's always been a pain in the arse.
So this could be a change for the better!
And today, I am going shopping.
An agony all in itself.
But my sister told me we have to spend a day together this holidays, and we have to spend our money.
So Mac Square, here we come!
And mum gave me $50 to spend. Indeed. Wow.
Oh, and I tried on my sister's dress yesterday.
The one I'm wearing to the formal.
And, well, it's a bit shorter on me than it is on her =S
And I don't like anything above my knees.
But then, I can't be bothered to buy one.
And I don't wanna make mum make one like she did for Nikki.
So maybe I can do something with it...
Okaay, well I should go now.
I'm just blogging because I'm bored and no one's online.
But it's ok, no one reads my blog anyway :L
Wish you were here,
Wednesday, 7 October 2009
The Bedroom Door
I guess when they tell you that you've made your bed and now you have to lay in it, they never mentioned that you don't get any second chances. They don't tell you that you're stuck with that bed for life, and every single crease, every single mistake, and every single choice you make about how many pillows, and which stuffed toys you want, you have those choices for life. Everyday you can fix some creases in the bed, but whilst doing that, you crease more of it. And it's never going to sit quite right, and you're never going to want to sleep in it.
And you can choose not to sleep in it you want, you can walk right out of the room. But it's a one way ticket, and as soon as you leave, you'ree not allowed back anymore. So I sit on the edge of doorway, like I used to when I was sent my room. I sit as close to the door as possible, and sometimes i put a toe over that line. And no one knows, no one cares, but I feel incredibly free.
And now I'm sitting here, on the edge of the bedroom door. And all I want to do is run out, to leave everyone in my life behind, and run, with you, forever. And I never want to turn around and look back at this bedroom door. There is so much pain in this room, in this life. And I can't bear the hurt it takes to look around me and remember. So one day, I am going to run.
But until then, I'm forever sitting as my bedroom door.
And you can choose not to sleep in it you want, you can walk right out of the room. But it's a one way ticket, and as soon as you leave, you'ree not allowed back anymore. So I sit on the edge of doorway, like I used to when I was sent my room. I sit as close to the door as possible, and sometimes i put a toe over that line. And no one knows, no one cares, but I feel incredibly free.
And now I'm sitting here, on the edge of the bedroom door. And all I want to do is run out, to leave everyone in my life behind, and run, with you, forever. And I never want to turn around and look back at this bedroom door. There is so much pain in this room, in this life. And I can't bear the hurt it takes to look around me and remember. So one day, I am going to run.
But until then, I'm forever sitting as my bedroom door.
Monday, 5 October 2009
Holidays officially start... sorta
My computer has a bazillion viruses, so I'm using mum's. it's annoying. her keyboard is sucky.
but it's labour day!
and i don't know what that means!
other than i get $20 an hour at work!
Ok.
I am now about, ish, halfway through my studying.
Maths I'm 19/22 done
English I'm about 2/3
Science is 4/7
Ag is FINISHED
Drama is 1/3 (I left my book in my locker =S)
Geo 7/8
History 1/3
And I only just started Health
(And I'm trying very hard not to think about IPT. Ever.)
So, yeah, I have to go now and earn lots of money with my obvious charm and dashing personality.
Happy studying sunshines
but it's labour day!
and i don't know what that means!
other than i get $20 an hour at work!
Ok.
I am now about, ish, halfway through my studying.
Maths I'm 19/22 done
English I'm about 2/3
Science is 4/7
Ag is FINISHED
Drama is 1/3 (I left my book in my locker =S)
Geo 7/8
History 1/3
And I only just started Health
(And I'm trying very hard not to think about IPT. Ever.)
So, yeah, I have to go now and earn lots of money with my obvious charm and dashing personality.
Happy studying sunshines
Wednesday, 30 September 2009
Weak
weak weak weak
that's what i am
that's all i am
weak
weak in every possible sense of the word
physically, mentally, emotionally weak
and not a damn thing i can do about it
---
and when people ask 'how are you?'
uusually you give an answer like "good" or "bad" or "ok"
if you have an inside joke, you might say something like "the mediocre kind of pretty good" or "i feel like crap on toast" or soemthinglike that
and then there's those people that say things like "hopeful" or "small"
and they dont even know why
---
you know, it took me until today to notice this, but
i've never been loved before
which you probably don't care about
but i do
because someone loves me now
and it's a weird but amazingly beautiful feeling
being loved.
---
but, you know what
i'd give up this feeling
and have you not love me
if you could just love yourself
---
13 articles done. 2 more to go.
and hopefully hopefully hopefully i'll be at school to give it in.
as fun as being bored out of my brain at home is....
that's what i am
that's all i am
weak
weak in every possible sense of the word
physically, mentally, emotionally weak
and not a damn thing i can do about it
---
and when people ask 'how are you?'
uusually you give an answer like "good" or "bad" or "ok"
if you have an inside joke, you might say something like "the mediocre kind of pretty good" or "i feel like crap on toast" or soemthinglike that
and then there's those people that say things like "hopeful" or "small"
and they dont even know why
---
you know, it took me until today to notice this, but
i've never been loved before
which you probably don't care about
but i do
because someone loves me now
and it's a weird but amazingly beautiful feeling
being loved.
---
but, you know what
i'd give up this feeling
and have you not love me
if you could just love yourself
---
13 articles done. 2 more to go.
and hopefully hopefully hopefully i'll be at school to give it in.
as fun as being bored out of my brain at home is....
Tuesday, 29 September 2009
12
one - my head feels like it's about to implode.
TWO - I AM IN A GREAT DEAL OF PAIN RIGHT NOW AND I STRONGLY USGGEST NOT GETTING ON MY BAD SIDE
three - i apologise in advance for having a very large bad side
four - damn i'm shitty when i'm sick
I am now 12 articles into my 15-20 article scrapbook. And as I am extremely sick, I feel as if I deserve a break. And break I shall
---
I also discovered my science notes from last year, so I'm going to type them up so I can read them, But they're only for the first 4 topics. But that's ok, because I have my actual science book from the second half of last year, and that is even better.
So yeah, if you guys want yr 9 science notes, I'll email them to you when I'm done. (I will expect payment for this, hugs/secrets/dances will do).
---
hum, reading over yesterday's blog makes me smile.
it makes me feel 12 again.
and i like feeling small and 12.
"It's big, real big"
"That's what she said"
"Sookie!"
"What, I can't be 12?"
...
"It is really big"
"That's what she said"
"Lorelai!"
"What, you can be 12 and I can't?"
TWO - I AM IN A GREAT DEAL OF PAIN RIGHT NOW AND I STRONGLY USGGEST NOT GETTING ON MY BAD SIDE
three - i apologise in advance for having a very large bad side
four - damn i'm shitty when i'm sick
I am now 12 articles into my 15-20 article scrapbook. And as I am extremely sick, I feel as if I deserve a break. And break I shall
---
I also discovered my science notes from last year, so I'm going to type them up so I can read them, But they're only for the first 4 topics. But that's ok, because I have my actual science book from the second half of last year, and that is even better.
So yeah, if you guys want yr 9 science notes, I'll email them to you when I'm done. (I will expect payment for this, hugs/secrets/dances will do).
---
hum, reading over yesterday's blog makes me smile.
it makes me feel 12 again.
and i like feeling small and 12.
"It's big, real big"
"That's what she said"
"Sookie!"
"What, I can't be 12?"
...
"It is really big"
"That's what she said"
"Lorelai!"
"What, you can be 12 and I can't?"
Monday, 28 September 2009
Victor told me a title wasn't necessary, he just wanted to read
one - i'm getting sick, and it sucks
TWO - I WAS TALKING TO PEOPLE TODAY ABOUT HOW AMAZING YOU ARE. I REALLY HOPE YOU ACTUALLY KNOW THAT.
three - i love feeling comfortable with you. i don't know how you do it. i feel like i'm at home. finally.
four - i'm not real sure what i did to annoy you. i'm sorry for always being such a bitch, though.
so...
health assignment...
mm, hasn't really happened yet
and it's not looking like it will tonight.
the other day i was looking over what i wrote about the essence of me... back in the day. I realised how much of myself has changed, just in the last 6 months. I'm happy now. I cry less, and there's always someone that notices. I don't dread turning out like mum anymore. And my fake smile ain't all that pretty. I found my real smile again. I'm getting slacker with memoirs. I think I'm perhaps a little less crazy, mainly because skipping/spinning make me dizzy.
Oooh, oooh, and speaking of dizzy, I'm FINALLY going to the doctors on Thursday!! yay!! it only took 12 weeks!
Actually, I've gotten a lot closer to my family in the last 6 months, we actually feel like a family again, and that's been a while. The only people I've really drifted from are my group. And, although I feel extremely guilty about that, I know that something's gotta give. Everything won't always be perfect, and I have to deal with things being less than perfect.
I feel like writing.
Hmm, I'll write the part of my story that I wrote ages ago.
(Seriously, I was going through these drawers the other day, and I found this, and I'm like, damn, that's insightful) (Okay, so I may or may not have only found a paragraph, and just extended on that now because I feel like writing)
---
"I can't do this anymore Luke" I said, I don't know what I wanted him to say, really, I just looked into his eyes, until he had to say something, I know he had something to say.
"Can't do what, Elle?" He gave me the same look.
"I can't keep pretending to be okay with everything that's happening to you, when I'm not! I know you have problems, okay, I get that, but you can't keep bottling them up, you have to let me in sometime. Not anyone else, you don't need to tell anyone else, but you need to let me in."
"I can't Elle, I can't let you deal with all this, I can't let it hurt you."
"That hurts more Luke, I feel like you can't trust me."
"I can, darling, I just can't hurt you."
"You already are" I tried to look disappointed, but I felt upset, so maybe my expresion came off as confused, or something else, but I was aiming for diappointed. But I was still trying to make a point, so I turned around and walked away.
"Elle! Elle, wait!"
But there was nothing to wait for really, nothing worth waiting for. I'd heard all the excuses a thousand times before, the 'i can't hurt you' and 'i care too much' and 'you won't understand', and I was over it. Completely over it. And there was nothing to wait for.
"Elle, I love you."
And I stopped. Becuase I didn't want him to think that those words had no effect on me, because they did. But I didn't turn around, because he wasn't forgiven. He just had a second chance. And I felt his arms around my waist, and his mouth against the tip of my ear, and I knew he was using his second chance wisely.
"I want to tell you" he whispered "it's just hard."
And that I could understand, I know what it's like to tell people things you never have before. I know how much trust is involved. And I knew that his problems went beyond 'I stole the cookie from the cookie jar', but admitting them was surely still difficult.
But he was trying, and I think that's what won it for me. He was trying to tell me. And even if he couldn't, that would still be ok, because he was trying, and that meant he was forgiven.
So I turned around in his arms, hugged him, and whispered "I love you too... and take your time"
And take his time he did.
But he told me.
---
And there he was; Hayden Parker.
He was the new kid on the block, the one everyone was dying to meet. He was the blonde haired, blue eyed, loveable nerd. He was beautiful, he was kind, he was funny, and he was clever. He was the kind of guy to talk business with your dad, and make your mum fall for him too. The guy that made every one of your friends jealous, yet made them want to spend more time with you just for knowing him. He had an answer to every question, he always did his homework, and all the teachers loved him. He was Hayden Parker. And he was standing right in front of me.
"H-hello, I'm Elle, you must be new" That was my approach, to act kind, but as if he wasn't anyone special, and that I was nice to all the new kids.
He extended his arm "Hayden Parker" We shook hands "I just got here yesterday"
"Cool, how are you liking ____{insertschoolnamehere}____?"
"It's a good school" he said, looking around. His hair falling effortlessly as he moved his head "The people aren't bad either" and he winked at me.
"So they tell us" I giggled. That line had sounded much better in my head.
"Right... well, I've gotta go to class, I'll see you later Elle"
"Yeah, bye"
And he walked away. And I watched.
---
Lol, that was more fun to write than it should have been.
Okay, well, I've sufficiently written.
Live long and prosper.
TWO - I WAS TALKING TO PEOPLE TODAY ABOUT HOW AMAZING YOU ARE. I REALLY HOPE YOU ACTUALLY KNOW THAT.
three - i love feeling comfortable with you. i don't know how you do it. i feel like i'm at home. finally.
four - i'm not real sure what i did to annoy you. i'm sorry for always being such a bitch, though.
so...
health assignment...
mm, hasn't really happened yet
and it's not looking like it will tonight.
the other day i was looking over what i wrote about the essence of me... back in the day. I realised how much of myself has changed, just in the last 6 months. I'm happy now. I cry less, and there's always someone that notices. I don't dread turning out like mum anymore. And my fake smile ain't all that pretty. I found my real smile again. I'm getting slacker with memoirs. I think I'm perhaps a little less crazy, mainly because skipping/spinning make me dizzy.
Oooh, oooh, and speaking of dizzy, I'm FINALLY going to the doctors on Thursday!! yay!! it only took 12 weeks!
Actually, I've gotten a lot closer to my family in the last 6 months, we actually feel like a family again, and that's been a while. The only people I've really drifted from are my group. And, although I feel extremely guilty about that, I know that something's gotta give. Everything won't always be perfect, and I have to deal with things being less than perfect.
I feel like writing.
Hmm, I'll write the part of my story that I wrote ages ago.
(Seriously, I was going through these drawers the other day, and I found this, and I'm like, damn, that's insightful) (Okay, so I may or may not have only found a paragraph, and just extended on that now because I feel like writing)
---
"I can't do this anymore Luke" I said, I don't know what I wanted him to say, really, I just looked into his eyes, until he had to say something, I know he had something to say.
"Can't do what, Elle?" He gave me the same look.
"I can't keep pretending to be okay with everything that's happening to you, when I'm not! I know you have problems, okay, I get that, but you can't keep bottling them up, you have to let me in sometime. Not anyone else, you don't need to tell anyone else, but you need to let me in."
"I can't Elle, I can't let you deal with all this, I can't let it hurt you."
"That hurts more Luke, I feel like you can't trust me."
"I can, darling, I just can't hurt you."
"You already are" I tried to look disappointed, but I felt upset, so maybe my expresion came off as confused, or something else, but I was aiming for diappointed. But I was still trying to make a point, so I turned around and walked away.
"Elle! Elle, wait!"
But there was nothing to wait for really, nothing worth waiting for. I'd heard all the excuses a thousand times before, the 'i can't hurt you' and 'i care too much' and 'you won't understand', and I was over it. Completely over it. And there was nothing to wait for.
"Elle, I love you."
And I stopped. Becuase I didn't want him to think that those words had no effect on me, because they did. But I didn't turn around, because he wasn't forgiven. He just had a second chance. And I felt his arms around my waist, and his mouth against the tip of my ear, and I knew he was using his second chance wisely.
"I want to tell you" he whispered "it's just hard."
And that I could understand, I know what it's like to tell people things you never have before. I know how much trust is involved. And I knew that his problems went beyond 'I stole the cookie from the cookie jar', but admitting them was surely still difficult.
But he was trying, and I think that's what won it for me. He was trying to tell me. And even if he couldn't, that would still be ok, because he was trying, and that meant he was forgiven.
So I turned around in his arms, hugged him, and whispered "I love you too... and take your time"
And take his time he did.
But he told me.
---
And there he was; Hayden Parker.
He was the new kid on the block, the one everyone was dying to meet. He was the blonde haired, blue eyed, loveable nerd. He was beautiful, he was kind, he was funny, and he was clever. He was the kind of guy to talk business with your dad, and make your mum fall for him too. The guy that made every one of your friends jealous, yet made them want to spend more time with you just for knowing him. He had an answer to every question, he always did his homework, and all the teachers loved him. He was Hayden Parker. And he was standing right in front of me.
"H-hello, I'm Elle, you must be new" That was my approach, to act kind, but as if he wasn't anyone special, and that I was nice to all the new kids.
He extended his arm "Hayden Parker" We shook hands "I just got here yesterday"
"Cool, how are you liking ____{insertschoolnamehere}____?"
"It's a good school" he said, looking around. His hair falling effortlessly as he moved his head "The people aren't bad either" and he winked at me.
"So they tell us" I giggled. That line had sounded much better in my head.
"Right... well, I've gotta go to class, I'll see you later Elle"
"Yeah, bye"
And he walked away. And I watched.
---
Lol, that was more fun to write than it should have been.
Okay, well, I've sufficiently written.
Live long and prosper.
Sunday, 27 September 2009
Worky bleedy bloggy singy
one - i like feeling stupid with you, you always turn it around
TWO - I'M SORRY FOR NOT MAKING IT OBVIOUS WHO THESE ARE ABOUT
three - i really really hate weekends, i need you. so much
four - your sim asked me to marry you ...maybe you do have the guts
ok, so that assignment i was meant to work on yesterday... didn't really happen
i mean, yeah, i meant to and all
and then, it just didnt happen
and sure, i feel i smidge guilty (ok, not really)
but maybe, i have a life! (/job)
and don't have time right now to do it.
because im living! (/sleeping)
ok, yeah, i feel mega guilty
sorry future ebony for not making your workload any lighter
i trod on a stick today.
the other end flipped over and cut my foot
now my foot is bleedy
but its antibacterialised
and bandaided
and its getting better
that was such a fun story wasn't it
hmm, i like blogging again, this is so weird
i mean, after blogging about twice all month
ive blogged about 10 times in a week
and its not like i have anything to say
then again, its not like i ever have
Because she's so ooohh ohhh ohh
Rock 'n' roll!
And out of my league
Is she out my league?
Let's hope not
TWO - I'M SORRY FOR NOT MAKING IT OBVIOUS WHO THESE ARE ABOUT
three - i really really hate weekends, i need you. so much
four - your sim asked me to marry you ...maybe you do have the guts
ok, so that assignment i was meant to work on yesterday... didn't really happen
i mean, yeah, i meant to and all
and then, it just didnt happen
and sure, i feel i smidge guilty (ok, not really)
but maybe, i have a life! (/job)
and don't have time right now to do it.
because im living! (/sleeping)
ok, yeah, i feel mega guilty
sorry future ebony for not making your workload any lighter
i trod on a stick today.
the other end flipped over and cut my foot
now my foot is bleedy
but its antibacterialised
and bandaided
and its getting better
that was such a fun story wasn't it
hmm, i like blogging again, this is so weird
i mean, after blogging about twice all month
ive blogged about 10 times in a week
and its not like i have anything to say
then again, its not like i ever have
Because she's so ooohh ohhh ohh
Rock 'n' roll!
And out of my league
Is she out my league?
Let's hope not
Sorry
And I guess I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
And I'm pretty sure I don't deserve for you to believe me when I say that, or else I'd be an awful hypocrite. And I don't know how to prove it to you either. But I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for not believing you.
I'm sorry for not telling you how I feel.
I'm sorry for upsetting you.
I'm sorry for making you feel like you upset me.
I'm sorry for confusing you.
I'm sorry for not sharing my problems.
I'm sorry for complaining about things that don't even matter.
I'm sorry for never explaining myself.
I'm sorry for hurting you.
I just... really miss you.
I'm sorry.
And I'm pretty sure I don't deserve for you to believe me when I say that, or else I'd be an awful hypocrite. And I don't know how to prove it to you either. But I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for not believing you.
I'm sorry for not telling you how I feel.
I'm sorry for upsetting you.
I'm sorry for making you feel like you upset me.
I'm sorry for confusing you.
I'm sorry for not sharing my problems.
I'm sorry for complaining about things that don't even matter.
I'm sorry for never explaining myself.
I'm sorry for hurting you.
I just... really miss you.
I'm sorry.
Saturday, 26 September 2009
You could say
one - i feel... small. that's how you make me feel. small. it's sort of a nice small, but, i don't really like feeling small.
TWO - I'M SORRY FOR OVERREACTING. I GUESS, I DIDN'T REALLY UNDERSTAND IT FROM YOUR PERSPECTIVE.
three - i swear, i'm trying. and i'm really sorry that i keep changing my mind and messing with your head, but i don't know how i feel.
four - i don't really know what happened with us. it feels like you don't like spending time with me anymore. i don't... understand.
Mum cut my hair today and now I look like Alice Cullen.
My computer just lost my sims (seriously, they walked out of the block, and never came back), and I've lost an hour of playing with them. =(
There were about 4 chemicals on my hair today and I think it addled with my brain.
After eating healthy for about 3 days, I sat down next to oreos, squiggle biscuits and zappos, and now feel like a fat lump again.
My health assignment was going well, so I took a break. That was 7 hours ago.
I guess you could say it has been one of those days...
Anyways, I've got to go make myself a pizza now, and maybe get around to that assignment...
Wish you were here,
TWO - I'M SORRY FOR OVERREACTING. I GUESS, I DIDN'T REALLY UNDERSTAND IT FROM YOUR PERSPECTIVE.
three - i swear, i'm trying. and i'm really sorry that i keep changing my mind and messing with your head, but i don't know how i feel.
four - i don't really know what happened with us. it feels like you don't like spending time with me anymore. i don't... understand.
Mum cut my hair today and now I look like Alice Cullen.
My computer just lost my sims (seriously, they walked out of the block, and never came back), and I've lost an hour of playing with them. =(
There were about 4 chemicals on my hair today and I think it addled with my brain.
After eating healthy for about 3 days, I sat down next to oreos, squiggle biscuits and zappos, and now feel like a fat lump again.
My health assignment was going well, so I took a break. That was 7 hours ago.
I guess you could say it has been one of those days...
Anyways, I've got to go make myself a pizza now, and maybe get around to that assignment...
Wish you were here,
semipermanent
I'm a little bit insecure
From all of this mis-treatment
But see I'm workin it out
Workin it out you're so damn hard
When you learn
I am running out of words
To say to you, wondering why im
Wasting my time
Thinking back and won-dering why
I'm such a fool for loving you
---
You know how when you're at school, and your teacher moves you for talking, and she says "that will be your seat from now on", you have this feeling, that everything is...permanent. The seat you're in, you're always going to sit in. That's how I feel when I sit next to you.
---
I've been waiting my whole life
For a someone like you
To go and pick me up and take away my blues
Its been one hell of a year
In my own shoes
But I've got some questions for you
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven
Did it hurt just to know I was right here waitin
Do you know, do you know
It was love from the first time we touched
---
I don't blog for my readers that much. I blog for myself. So I tlak in code a lot, or use the word "you". Sure, I'm an annoying bitch, but if people care they ask, and if they don't, they don't have to.
---
I'm in trouble
I'm an addict
I'm addicted to this girl
She's got my heart tied in a knot
And my stomach in a whirl
But even worse
I can't stop calling her
She's all I want and more
I mean damn
What's not to adore?
I've been playing too much guitar
I, I've been listening to jazz
I called so many times
I swear she's going mad
From all of this mis-treatment
But see I'm workin it out
Workin it out you're so damn hard
When you learn
I am running out of words
To say to you, wondering why im
Wasting my time
Thinking back and won-dering why
I'm such a fool for loving you
---
You know how when you're at school, and your teacher moves you for talking, and she says "that will be your seat from now on", you have this feeling, that everything is...permanent. The seat you're in, you're always going to sit in. That's how I feel when I sit next to you.
---
I've been waiting my whole life
For a someone like you
To go and pick me up and take away my blues
Its been one hell of a year
In my own shoes
But I've got some questions for you
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven
Did it hurt just to know I was right here waitin
Do you know, do you know
It was love from the first time we touched
---
I don't blog for my readers that much. I blog for myself. So I tlak in code a lot, or use the word "you". Sure, I'm an annoying bitch, but if people care they ask, and if they don't, they don't have to.
---
I'm in trouble
I'm an addict
I'm addicted to this girl
She's got my heart tied in a knot
And my stomach in a whirl
But even worse
I can't stop calling her
She's all I want and more
I mean damn
What's not to adore?
I've been playing too much guitar
I, I've been listening to jazz
I called so many times
I swear she's going mad
Thursday, 24 September 2009
3 years ago today
The Date: The 24th of September The Year: 2006
It was a day much like today...
It was 5 am, and no one in the house was stirring. It was a deathly silence. And then the phone rang. A few woke, but none answered, it went to the machine "Henry, it's Lucy, can you call me back please, it's important". And the rest of the family returned to their slumber...
7am, and one-by-one, the family slowly woke from their peaceful sleep, to a cold house. "Where's Dad?" asked the youngest. "He had to go to the hosital to visit Lita" replied the mother.
And then the phone rang. "Ebony, Ebony, can I speak to your mum?" She knew something was wrong. She carried the phone to her mother. She started to cry...
There'd been a lot of that going on lately, crying. Maybe that's just what happens when a family member was in hospital. But this was different, Lita was getting better, she was coming out of hospital tomorrow...
"Girls, come here"
and she enveloped her children in a hug.
"What is it Mum, what's wrong?"
She started to cry
"Your grandmother's dead"
---
And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
It was a day much like today...
It was 5 am, and no one in the house was stirring. It was a deathly silence. And then the phone rang. A few woke, but none answered, it went to the machine "Henry, it's Lucy, can you call me back please, it's important". And the rest of the family returned to their slumber...
7am, and one-by-one, the family slowly woke from their peaceful sleep, to a cold house. "Where's Dad?" asked the youngest. "He had to go to the hosital to visit Lita" replied the mother.
And then the phone rang. "Ebony, Ebony, can I speak to your mum?" She knew something was wrong. She carried the phone to her mother. She started to cry...
There'd been a lot of that going on lately, crying. Maybe that's just what happens when a family member was in hospital. But this was different, Lita was getting better, she was coming out of hospital tomorrow...
"Girls, come here"
and she enveloped her children in a hug.
"What is it Mum, what's wrong?"
She started to cry
"Your grandmother's dead"
---
And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
Wednesday, 23 September 2009
Just another mood swing
Work asked me to work today (as they do), which is very disappointing, as I won't be able to blog tonight (and I was doing so well too).
I think I need to have another rant though, so, well, we'll see how we have time for.
---
But you weren't supposed to say that, you were supposed to care, at least a little. You weren't meant to make me seem tiny and insignificant, you were meant to act like I was the only one in the universe worth worrying about.
But after all that, I still feel guilty, like I'm the one that did something wrong. I'm sure I didn't, I'm sure I acted exactly the way I was supposed to, but I still feel guilty. Maybe it is my faut afterall...
---
Maybe if I just get over myself a little, I'll actually be able to have a conversation with at least someone in my life without overreacting and getting mad at them. And I hate that I always do that, I hate that I distance myself from people, I wish I didn't.
But of course I'm just a stupid little girl, with stupid little problems, and I have to take them out on everyone else because it hurts too much to deal with it all myself.
---
And I'm so bloody tired.
I'm tired of staying awake until the wee hours of the morning, only to wake up at 7.
I'm tired of always being dizzy and falling over, even when I'm sitting down.
I'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night just because I've had another bloody moodswing. I'm tired of always having to keep an eye on the time, and not be able to actually spend quality time with anyone.
I'm getting a little tired of life, actually.
And as beautiful and wonderful and amazing and fabulous as my day off life was, it was only a day, and I still have to deal with life.
---
Ok, that's all folks.
I think I need to have another rant though, so, well, we'll see how we have time for.
---
But you weren't supposed to say that, you were supposed to care, at least a little. You weren't meant to make me seem tiny and insignificant, you were meant to act like I was the only one in the universe worth worrying about.
But after all that, I still feel guilty, like I'm the one that did something wrong. I'm sure I didn't, I'm sure I acted exactly the way I was supposed to, but I still feel guilty. Maybe it is my faut afterall...
---
Maybe if I just get over myself a little, I'll actually be able to have a conversation with at least someone in my life without overreacting and getting mad at them. And I hate that I always do that, I hate that I distance myself from people, I wish I didn't.
But of course I'm just a stupid little girl, with stupid little problems, and I have to take them out on everyone else because it hurts too much to deal with it all myself.
---
And I'm so bloody tired.
I'm tired of staying awake until the wee hours of the morning, only to wake up at 7.
I'm tired of always being dizzy and falling over, even when I'm sitting down.
I'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night just because I've had another bloody moodswing. I'm tired of always having to keep an eye on the time, and not be able to actually spend quality time with anyone.
I'm getting a little tired of life, actually.
And as beautiful and wonderful and amazing and fabulous as my day off life was, it was only a day, and I still have to deal with life.
---
Ok, that's all folks.
Tuesday, 22 September 2009
Tears and Laughter
sometimes i tell you i miss you, but it means so much more than that. what i mean is that i can't deal without you, and i'm falling apart. and i need you right here beside me because i don't know how much longer i can last without someone to fall into, and to hug, and love, and i'm working myself up about nothing, and you're the only one who can make me chill out, and all it takes are your simple words and sometimes you say 'calm down' and sometimes you say 'take it easy' and by now i've learnt the difference, and i've learnt to trust your simple words, and if i could only have you right here beside me then everything would be just dandy, but i have my own silly little life, and you have your life, and i'm here, and you're there, and that just isn't working out for me...
---
and it took me a while to figure out which of those smiles was the real one, and which one of those tears hurt the most. it took me a while to figure out that i needed to smile more than i needed to cry. and it took me a while to realise what would make me smile, and what has always made me cry.
---
and maybe the only reason i pretend to care now is because i don't want to get hurt, and i'm sick of always putting myself out there only to have it thrown back in my face. and tomorrow i will wake up and i will laugh at myself for feeling like this, and crying whilst i write this. i'm going to laugh at the fact that i care about things that shouldn't mean so much to me, and i'm going to laugh at the fact that i could do domething so insignificant, and yet, so silly.
but more than any of that, i'm going to laugh at the fact that half an hour ago, i thought i had too much stuff to deal with. i guess, just when you think it can't get worse, it always does.
---
but you know, life goes on, and sith happens, and i'm going to be ok.
just like i always am.
---
and it took me a while to figure out which of those smiles was the real one, and which one of those tears hurt the most. it took me a while to figure out that i needed to smile more than i needed to cry. and it took me a while to realise what would make me smile, and what has always made me cry.
---
and maybe the only reason i pretend to care now is because i don't want to get hurt, and i'm sick of always putting myself out there only to have it thrown back in my face. and tomorrow i will wake up and i will laugh at myself for feeling like this, and crying whilst i write this. i'm going to laugh at the fact that i care about things that shouldn't mean so much to me, and i'm going to laugh at the fact that i could do domething so insignificant, and yet, so silly.
but more than any of that, i'm going to laugh at the fact that half an hour ago, i thought i had too much stuff to deal with. i guess, just when you think it can't get worse, it always does.
---
but you know, life goes on, and sith happens, and i'm going to be ok.
just like i always am.
Getting back into the swing
And I still cringe everytime a teacher walks past and asks me if I'm feeling better.
Im not sure why I cringe
Could it be because I know that they have their talks about what is wrong with me?
Or because it reminds me of just what is wrong with me?
Maybe because I realise that I'm not actually feeling any better at all?
Or could it be because every second teacher has figured out that I was upset, and yet not one student in my entire school has asked if I'm okay.
It really could be any of those, I just know that I cringe.
---
It's one of those moments that you feel the atmosphere building up to.
As if your whole life rests on this instant.
And maybe that's what makes you so terrified.
A single slip and your life is gone.
A wrong move, and you'll never be able to live with yourself.
But either way, you'll be disappointed in yourself.
In fact, you've manipulated this situation so well,
that there is no solution that you can be okay with.
And you follow a part of yourself that you're ashamed of,
But you won't follow it to the end.
How can you?
---
There's a few good things about keeping secrets actually.
1. You have an inside joke, or expression with the only person you dare to tell. The person you trust the most. And you can laugh about it with them.
2. There's something you can use as a bargaining chip if you have information you want on someone else. Yes, I am that manipulative.
3. There's a part of yourself you can hide from the world, the part you think about when you're trying to fall asleep at night. You don't have to share it.
But you know, you're always going to feel how you do, and no matter how many lists you write about such things, secrets will never be okay.
---
There's a light at the end of this tunnel, you shout
Cuz you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And those mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only tried turning around
---
I was about to post this before I realised that it doesn't in any way reflect my mood.
(Which may or may not have changed dramatically since someone came online)
I am actually quite happy (no matter how confused) at the moment.
So let's make this happy :L
My name is Ebony, and I'm addicted to you (just because you're reading my blog). I enjoy the good life of olives, pez and grape zappos (you wish you had a C3PO pez dispenser like me) (bloody watch star wars you undereducated children!).
Anyways, I'm going to write a list of things that make me happy (inspired by smithteens):
Zappos
Pez
Olives
C3PO
Lollipops
You (not actually you in particular. well, he knows i mean him)
Rainbows
Babies
Smiles
Children (not like that)
The Sims
Money
My people
My family
And... yeah.
What makes you happy?
Im not sure why I cringe
Could it be because I know that they have their talks about what is wrong with me?
Or because it reminds me of just what is wrong with me?
Maybe because I realise that I'm not actually feeling any better at all?
Or could it be because every second teacher has figured out that I was upset, and yet not one student in my entire school has asked if I'm okay.
It really could be any of those, I just know that I cringe.
---
It's one of those moments that you feel the atmosphere building up to.
As if your whole life rests on this instant.
And maybe that's what makes you so terrified.
A single slip and your life is gone.
A wrong move, and you'll never be able to live with yourself.
But either way, you'll be disappointed in yourself.
In fact, you've manipulated this situation so well,
that there is no solution that you can be okay with.
And you follow a part of yourself that you're ashamed of,
But you won't follow it to the end.
How can you?
---
There's a few good things about keeping secrets actually.
1. You have an inside joke, or expression with the only person you dare to tell. The person you trust the most. And you can laugh about it with them.
2. There's something you can use as a bargaining chip if you have information you want on someone else. Yes, I am that manipulative.
3. There's a part of yourself you can hide from the world, the part you think about when you're trying to fall asleep at night. You don't have to share it.
But you know, you're always going to feel how you do, and no matter how many lists you write about such things, secrets will never be okay.
---
There's a light at the end of this tunnel, you shout
Cuz you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And those mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only tried turning around
---
I was about to post this before I realised that it doesn't in any way reflect my mood.
(Which may or may not have changed dramatically since someone came online)
I am actually quite happy (no matter how confused) at the moment.
So let's make this happy :L
My name is Ebony, and I'm addicted to you (just because you're reading my blog). I enjoy the good life of olives, pez and grape zappos (you wish you had a C3PO pez dispenser like me) (bloody watch star wars you undereducated children!).
Anyways, I'm going to write a list of things that make me happy (inspired by smithteens):
Zappos
Pez
Olives
C3PO
Lollipops
You (not actually you in particular. well, he knows i mean him)
Rainbows
Babies
Smiles
Children (not like that)
The Sims
Money
My people
My family
And... yeah.
What makes you happy?
Sunday, 20 September 2009
Happy Beginnings (post 300)
"I want to make you fall in love with me everyday"
I fell in love with you again today. A fair few times, actually.
You know those days you have that are so happy, they sort of make you sad. Because you know that no matter what you do, nothing will ever be the same again. And nothing else can ever be this good. Yeah, today was one of those days. I feel sorta sad now.
Sad in a sentimental way. It's a nice sad.
And we really do make for a perfect lifestyle.
Fall in love with me again?
I fell in love with you again today. A fair few times, actually.
You know those days you have that are so happy, they sort of make you sad. Because you know that no matter what you do, nothing will ever be the same again. And nothing else can ever be this good. Yeah, today was one of those days. I feel sorta sad now.
Sad in a sentimental way. It's a nice sad.
And we really do make for a perfect lifestyle.
Fall in love with me again?
Saturday, 19 September 2009
Sunday, 13 September 2009
Ebony's week.
Ready for a very quick update on my life?
Ok, well, school. Got another assignment, but also handed one in, win some lose some I guess? And English is due this Friday, which I hadn't started until a few days ago, but after this morning's assignmenting (all 2 hours of it), I think I'm nearly done (oh the things we can accomplish before our parents wake up). I also have a stack of homework that won't get done in the not too distant future, and my English book still hasn't been read, because, well, I was meant to do it after work yesterday but then I got distracted.
Two days ago I went through and read every single blog I had missed over the past 2 weeks, (yay for ebony!) but I haven't read blogs since then, so I'm still behind :L.
I have however, finally caught up with memoirs (we wont mention how many thousand I had missed), including the forum.
Work is gradually improving as I figure out what I'm doing, and I've only majorly stuffed up a few times :L. But yesterday after work I met this awesome guy (I think he said his name was Will) who is in 4th year uni doing an advanced science degree, specialising in chem/bio, and he's making antidepressants. as in, making them. which is very cool, and managed to suitably distract me from Runner (sorry Hancock).
My uncle's birthday was about a month ago, and I'm going over to my aunty's today for lunch, which means I'll also see my grandpa. Who is getting worse =S But, yeah, he's better than he was a few weeks ago, so, that's good, I guess.
Last but by no means least, I got my smithteens book in the mail on Wednesday! I'm on page 89! And I have postit noted, like, everyone I know in there. Yellow postits for people I talk to, blue postits for people I know. And and IT IS SO COOL. And Jordan doesn't believe it's actually me in the book :L
Ok, have a good week, I will update you next weekend :L
And keep smiling!
Ok, well, school. Got another assignment, but also handed one in, win some lose some I guess? And English is due this Friday, which I hadn't started until a few days ago, but after this morning's assignmenting (all 2 hours of it), I think I'm nearly done (oh the things we can accomplish before our parents wake up). I also have a stack of homework that won't get done in the not too distant future, and my English book still hasn't been read, because, well, I was meant to do it after work yesterday but then I got distracted.
Two days ago I went through and read every single blog I had missed over the past 2 weeks, (yay for ebony!) but I haven't read blogs since then, so I'm still behind :L.
I have however, finally caught up with memoirs (we wont mention how many thousand I had missed), including the forum.
Work is gradually improving as I figure out what I'm doing, and I've only majorly stuffed up a few times :L. But yesterday after work I met this awesome guy (I think he said his name was Will) who is in 4th year uni doing an advanced science degree, specialising in chem/bio, and he's making antidepressants. as in, making them. which is very cool, and managed to suitably distract me from Runner (sorry Hancock).
My uncle's birthday was about a month ago, and I'm going over to my aunty's today for lunch, which means I'll also see my grandpa. Who is getting worse =S But, yeah, he's better than he was a few weeks ago, so, that's good, I guess.
Last but by no means least, I got my smithteens book in the mail on Wednesday! I'm on page 89! And I have postit noted, like, everyone I know in there. Yellow postits for people I talk to, blue postits for people I know. And and IT IS SO COOL. And Jordan doesn't believe it's actually me in the book :L
Ok, have a good week, I will update you next weekend :L
And keep smiling!
Monday, 7 September 2009
Finally blogging
I'm really sorry for not blogging, like, at all lately. But I really am swamped with school, assignments, working @ 2 stores (finishes, this week) and football (sounds lame, but WE won the minor premiership so =P).
Anyways, I have a stack of stuff I've been meaning to write. Including a very special post I need to plan for September 24. But right now I'm just trying not to break my new year's resolution (blog every week).
So yes. School is getting very taxing, but term 3 is always like that for me. I just try to ride it out. Thankfully, on Friday, 6 assignments became 4, as I handed in history and ipt. We got back IPT today, and my group got 10/15. But my section got 4/5. So yay!
I've been transferring from macquarie fields to wattlegrove store for about 2 weeks, which means i've had 4-5 shifts. which is basically killing me. as getting to mac fields takes a good hour by bus and train (oh how i wish i cold drive). so time has basically been getting rarer and rarer, meanwhile i get richer and richer!
I was awesome and lucky enough to go to the Eels/Dragons game on Friday, and unlucky enough to go to the Bunnies/Dragons game the week before. At about halftime I stopped watching, it was torturing me. The Eels game however was beautiful. The best part being sitting in the corner where the first 3 tries were scored.
My grandfather got out of hospital on Friday!! So to all the people I've told about that (and I'm not sure how many there are), he's finally out, but on oxygen 24/7. At least he was out for father's day though.
So that's basically been my life lately.
Oh, and Charlie is being a piece of shit and restarting himself randomly, and not letting me sign into msn, which is REALLY PISSING ME OFF!
Anyways, keep smilng!!
PS: Anyone who has blogged in the past 2 weeks, I have not read it yet. Forgive me. When you get comments next month from me, at least you'll know I'm still a dedicated reader. Just a dedicated reader without enough hours in the day. (I haven't played sims for a week[except for when amy came over)
Anyways, I have a stack of stuff I've been meaning to write. Including a very special post I need to plan for September 24. But right now I'm just trying not to break my new year's resolution (blog every week).
So yes. School is getting very taxing, but term 3 is always like that for me. I just try to ride it out. Thankfully, on Friday, 6 assignments became 4, as I handed in history and ipt. We got back IPT today, and my group got 10/15. But my section got 4/5. So yay!
I've been transferring from macquarie fields to wattlegrove store for about 2 weeks, which means i've had 4-5 shifts. which is basically killing me. as getting to mac fields takes a good hour by bus and train (oh how i wish i cold drive). so time has basically been getting rarer and rarer, meanwhile i get richer and richer!
I was awesome and lucky enough to go to the Eels/Dragons game on Friday, and unlucky enough to go to the Bunnies/Dragons game the week before. At about halftime I stopped watching, it was torturing me. The Eels game however was beautiful. The best part being sitting in the corner where the first 3 tries were scored.
My grandfather got out of hospital on Friday!! So to all the people I've told about that (and I'm not sure how many there are), he's finally out, but on oxygen 24/7. At least he was out for father's day though.
So that's basically been my life lately.
Oh, and Charlie is being a piece of shit and restarting himself randomly, and not letting me sign into msn, which is REALLY PISSING ME OFF!
Anyways, keep smilng!!
PS: Anyone who has blogged in the past 2 weeks, I have not read it yet. Forgive me. When you get comments next month from me, at least you'll know I'm still a dedicated reader. Just a dedicated reader without enough hours in the day. (I haven't played sims for a week[except for when amy came over)
Monday, 31 August 2009
Let's be honest; I want you.
(Thankyou Anna for the quote)
"I don't want anyone normal, that's just boring. I want someone weird. I want someone unpredictable. I want someone who lets things slide and who loves to laugh and makes me laugh. I want someone who will be crazy about me, and isn't afraid to let everyone know it. I want him to be able to tell me to shut the hell up when I am bugging him. I want someone who challenges me, in every way. I want someone who puts up with my shit, but isn't a pushover. I want someone who pisses me off, but I can never be mad at. But perfect? That's one thing I never want. Maybe just perfect for me."
I want someone who stares into my eyes and tells me he loves me. I want someone who lets me fall asleep on him when it's late. I want someone who blocks out everyone else, but let's me in. Someone who makes me feel special. I want someone who stays awake all night to talk to me. I want someone who learns to play a song just so he can impress me. I want someone who truly thinks I am beautiful. I want someone who lets me win, but also knows how to put up a fight. I want someone who will sit at home and watch chick flicks with me, but will also make fun of every line. I want someone who will slowdance with me at a football game, but scream at the ref when he makes a bad call. I want someone who can sing along to the song in my head, but will tell me to shut up when I get too annoying. I want someone who won't let me go to class until he's kissed me. I want someone who rubs it in my face when he beats me in a test, but lets me do the same. I want someone who laughs at me for tripping over my own feet, but is willing to catch me when I fall.
I want you.
"I don't want anyone normal, that's just boring. I want someone weird. I want someone unpredictable. I want someone who lets things slide and who loves to laugh and makes me laugh. I want someone who will be crazy about me, and isn't afraid to let everyone know it. I want him to be able to tell me to shut the hell up when I am bugging him. I want someone who challenges me, in every way. I want someone who puts up with my shit, but isn't a pushover. I want someone who pisses me off, but I can never be mad at. But perfect? That's one thing I never want. Maybe just perfect for me."
I want someone who stares into my eyes and tells me he loves me. I want someone who lets me fall asleep on him when it's late. I want someone who blocks out everyone else, but let's me in. Someone who makes me feel special. I want someone who stays awake all night to talk to me. I want someone who learns to play a song just so he can impress me. I want someone who truly thinks I am beautiful. I want someone who lets me win, but also knows how to put up a fight. I want someone who will sit at home and watch chick flicks with me, but will also make fun of every line. I want someone who will slowdance with me at a football game, but scream at the ref when he makes a bad call. I want someone who can sing along to the song in my head, but will tell me to shut up when I get too annoying. I want someone who won't let me go to class until he's kissed me. I want someone who rubs it in my face when he beats me in a test, but lets me do the same. I want someone who laughs at me for tripping over my own feet, but is willing to catch me when I fall.
I want you.
Thursday, 27 August 2009
Flying without wings
I'm lazy today. So I want you to read these lyrics, and tell me what that something is for you. No don't skip over this, and don't go away without commenting. I wanna know!!
Everybody's looking for that something
One thing that makes it all complete
You'll find it in the strangest places
Places you never knew it could be
Some find it in the face of their children
Some find it in their lover's eyes
Who can deny the joy it brings
When you've found that special thing
You're flying without wings
Some find it sharing every morning
Some in their solitary lives
You'll find it in the words of others
A simple line can make you laugh or cry
You'll find it in the deepest friendship
The kind you cherish all your life
And when you know how much that means
You've found that special thing
You're flying without wings
So, impossible as they may seem
You've got to fight for every dream
Cos who's to know which one you let go
Would have made you complete
Well, for me it's waking up beside you
To watch the sunrise on your face
To know that I can say I love you
In any given time or place
It's little things that only I know
Those are the things that make you mine
And it's like flying without wings
Cos you're my special thing
I'm flying without wings
And you're the place my life begins
And you'll be where it ends
I'm flying without wings
And that's the joy you bring
I'm flying without wings
Everybody's looking for that something
One thing that makes it all complete
You'll find it in the strangest places
Places you never knew it could be
Some find it in the face of their children
Some find it in their lover's eyes
Who can deny the joy it brings
When you've found that special thing
You're flying without wings
Some find it sharing every morning
Some in their solitary lives
You'll find it in the words of others
A simple line can make you laugh or cry
You'll find it in the deepest friendship
The kind you cherish all your life
And when you know how much that means
You've found that special thing
You're flying without wings
So, impossible as they may seem
You've got to fight for every dream
Cos who's to know which one you let go
Would have made you complete
Well, for me it's waking up beside you
To watch the sunrise on your face
To know that I can say I love you
In any given time or place
It's little things that only I know
Those are the things that make you mine
And it's like flying without wings
Cos you're my special thing
I'm flying without wings
And you're the place my life begins
And you'll be where it ends
I'm flying without wings
And that's the joy you bring
I'm flying without wings
Sunday, 23 August 2009
The whole world is on your side.
I have so much to give you.
So much love, and heart, and soul.
So much caring.
Everything I have in me.
I am not an empty vessel.
I am brimming with passion and smiles and stories and pictures and romance.
I want to break it, everything inside of me,
into a million tiny pieces
and wrap them up
and give you one everyday
until you have all of them.
All of me.
To say that you are pretty would be like saying that the ocean is blue
Because the oceans is full of all kinds of colours,
and i see all kinds of wonderful when I look at you.
Sometimes I ask myself why,
but in that same moment,
you give me my answer.
Why?
It's everything about you.
It's your joking smile,
your sweet scent.
It's the way I fit perfectly in your arms,
it's the tousle of your hair,
and the song of your voice.
It's everything about you.
About the way you make me feel.
It's everything that I never want to let go of.
You are timeless
& I am a fool in love with time.
And if you look a little closer,
you'll see that if a person believes that life is terrible,
they'll contantly look for proof of this,
to confirm their view of the world.
They'll find quotes and situations and events in their life
and magnify them a hundred times.
If a person believes that life is wonderful,
they'll look for corresponding signage,
and behave in a similar manner to the previous person, with their view of the world.
Often, this is the same person on different days of the week.
I swallow the urge
To call out your name
The need crashes in
I brace for the wave
And pray it will pass
Not take me under
The morning sun when it hits your face
Really shows your age
But that don't worry me none
In my eyes you're everything
I laughed at all your jokes
My love you didn't need to coax
It's so much easier for me to be angry than happy.
Now I get angry at you for always making me happy
when I don't want to be.
But then I love you, for keeping me angry and happy.
And happy and angry.
It's because I love you
And because you're near my heart
It's because I miss you
Oh how long it seems to be
It's because I miss you
Thoughts of you come back to me
Maybe it's not my weekend
But it's gonna be my year.
Wednesday, 19 August 2009
Life by numbers
#64694
I'm not perfect but I'm happy
I know I have my flaws
Yeah, I have a lot of them
But my imperfections are what makes me who I am
I may be loud, I may talk to much
and I may tell you to smile when you're just not in the mood
But I'm happy
So maybe you should try being unperfect too
Unperfect and smiling.
#51972
This girl forgotten was finally remembered
She's the girl everyone stopped caring about
At some point in time, she just ceased to matter
And it hurt her so much
Everyone, everyone she had trusted
They turned around and walked away
She didn't matter!
And then, one day, some one remembered her
And it was okay now
She had been remembered
#40497
Everything changes. Everything remains the same.
I'm scared of change.
And yes, some changes are good.
Some changes are encouraged.
Some changes actually help.
And then some changes. Just don't.
What if things change and they get worse?
Are we supposed to just accept it?
Do we look for reasons?
Do others thing get better for it?
#41443
Deteriorating differences between right and wrong
Everything changed for them
All of the lines blurred
Suddenlyit was okay to defy gravity
To go against everything they stood for
These people were infinite
They weren't bound by the same rules as everyone else
They didn't need to listen
There was nothing left between right and wrong.
#49286
Wishing I wasn't quite so manipulative
What would happen, if I left everything alone
If I let everyone do what they wanted to
If I stopped getting involved
If I stopped figuring everything out for everyone
If I stopped puppeting my world
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad
Letting people make their own decisions
Instead of deciding everything myself
#51967
She only has faith in love
And she's tried everything
She used to talk to God every night
She'd stay up late at nights and pray
She's been through all the religions she knows
And then she fell in love
She doesn't need anyone to talk to
And she doesn't have anything to ask for.
Because he's there, and that's all that matters.
#51959
Losing control. Learning to let go
So I'm going to let go of everything I don't want
I'm going to let go of my hold
Over everyone and everything in my life
Of everything I don't want
I'm going to let it all go
I'm going to lose control of it all
And it's going to be okay
#56324
She has stretchmarks on her dreams
Someone who always has to change for other people
Often finds that she must compromise herself
Her dreams must stretch
They must make room for others
And that's okay
It is her decision
But one day, she'll make her own dreams come true
#53894
The girl who plays with fire
That's me.
I'm the girl who never lets fear govern who am I
I play with things I shouldn't
I meddle with fate
I get involved in things that need to be left alone
And there's always some consequences
But some of them are good
So I'll keep playing with fire
#58766
I'm a hugger. Everyone hates it.
Oh yeah, that's me.
I'm the one you never want to be stuck next to
Who will hug you at every opportuniy
I'm the one who misses you when I don't get to touch you
Who likes being close to people.
And yeah, everyone hates it
But that's just me
#60646
Everything about him is perfectly beautiful.
He always knew what to say
And it was always the sweetest thing
Sometimes, she would be startled by what he said
Expecting him to say the perfect cliche
And then he'd say something better
But she got used to it
Him being perfect
And she could never give it up
#63427
Please love me despite my past
We all have a few skeletons in our closet
And sure, maybe mine are a little scarier than others
And maybe I need some help with them
And yes! That is intimidating!
But I don't ask for much
Some people have a lot to deal with
I just have some bumps on my road, that's all
Love me anyway?
Tuesday, 18 August 2009
Make a difference
I want you to care enough to want to make a difference
I want you to want to care enough to make a difference
---
Person One
I don't think you understand how much I need you and rely on you. You roll your eyes when someone mentions that, and I want you to just be ok with it. YOU MADE THE DECISION. And you continue to make that decision everyday. Don't complain because someone else is in pain right now AND THEY CAN'T BE WITH YOU THE WHOLE TIME. They have things they need to do, and feel. Things to make it hurt less. To cause less regrets.
---
Person Two
I had to leave. I can't stand it that you don't understand this. And I've tried to explain it to you, and it's not working. And that doesn't make me angry, it makes me sad. I'm disappointed in you. I want you to understand me. I thought you did. You did. You do. I know you do.
---
Person Three
I've made so many excuses for myself, none of them to you, even though it was you that I hurt. I'm making excuses to myself for why I've hurt you. And that's not fair to me, and it's definately not fair to you. And I'm sorry. But there is some merit to my excuses. My reasons. I'm sorry.
---
Humdizzle.
Eh, I need chocolate.
And I need someone to understand me.
Well, someone willing to put in the time. And read my mind.
I hate being so cryptic. But I'll never tell anyone what I mean. You have to dig. It means that at the end I know you've put in the effort, but it means that a lot of the time I'm just confusing.
Wish you were here,
I want you to want to care enough to make a difference
---
Person One
I don't think you understand how much I need you and rely on you. You roll your eyes when someone mentions that, and I want you to just be ok with it. YOU MADE THE DECISION. And you continue to make that decision everyday. Don't complain because someone else is in pain right now AND THEY CAN'T BE WITH YOU THE WHOLE TIME. They have things they need to do, and feel. Things to make it hurt less. To cause less regrets.
---
Person Two
I had to leave. I can't stand it that you don't understand this. And I've tried to explain it to you, and it's not working. And that doesn't make me angry, it makes me sad. I'm disappointed in you. I want you to understand me. I thought you did. You did. You do. I know you do.
---
Person Three
I've made so many excuses for myself, none of them to you, even though it was you that I hurt. I'm making excuses to myself for why I've hurt you. And that's not fair to me, and it's definately not fair to you. And I'm sorry. But there is some merit to my excuses. My reasons. I'm sorry.
---
Humdizzle.
Eh, I need chocolate.
And I need someone to understand me.
Well, someone willing to put in the time. And read my mind.
I hate being so cryptic. But I'll never tell anyone what I mean. You have to dig. It means that at the end I know you've put in the effort, but it means that a lot of the time I'm just confusing.
Wish you were here,
Quizzle
LET'S PLAY FAMILY FEUD!!! YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO USE MY ANSWERS!!!!!!
Copy and paste message to a new note. Erase my answers and fill in your answers. Tag your friends and don't forget to send it back to me. Remember, you can't use the same answer as the person who sent it to you. Remember, if my answers are dumb, it's because the person before me had the good ones lol!!!!!
1. Name something you use in the shower?
--Shampoo
2. Name something a football player wears under his uniform?
--Underwear (hopefully)
3. Name something people hate to find on their windshield?
--Bird poo
4. Name something a man might buy before a date?
--Toothpaste
5. What is another word for blemish?
--flaw
6. Something you cook in the microwave?
--pasta
7. Name a piece of furniture people need help moving?
--plasma tv =)
8. Name a reason a younger man might like an older woman?
--money
9. Name something a dog does that embarrasses its owner?
--howl
10. Name a kind of test you cannot study for?
--Blood test
11. Name something a boy scout gets a badge for?
--Identifying plants
12. Name a phrase with the word home in it
--"home is where the heart is" :L:L
13. Name a sport where players lose teeth?
--Boxing
14. Name something a teacher can do to ruin a student's day?
--give them a bad mark for their english speech :L
15. What is a way you can tell someone has been crying?
--wet face
16. Name a bird you wouldn't want to eat?
--pigeon
17. Name something a person wears even if it has a hole in it?
--underwear. as in, it has holes =S
18. Name something that gets smaller the more you use it?
--toilet paper roll.
Copy and paste message to a new note. Erase my answers and fill in your answers. Tag your friends and don't forget to send it back to me. Remember, you can't use the same answer as the person who sent it to you. Remember, if my answers are dumb, it's because the person before me had the good ones lol!!!!!
1. Name something you use in the shower?
--Shampoo
2. Name something a football player wears under his uniform?
--Underwear (hopefully)
3. Name something people hate to find on their windshield?
--Bird poo
4. Name something a man might buy before a date?
--Toothpaste
5. What is another word for blemish?
--flaw
6. Something you cook in the microwave?
--pasta
7. Name a piece of furniture people need help moving?
--plasma tv =)
8. Name a reason a younger man might like an older woman?
--money
9. Name something a dog does that embarrasses its owner?
--howl
10. Name a kind of test you cannot study for?
--Blood test
11. Name something a boy scout gets a badge for?
--Identifying plants
12. Name a phrase with the word home in it
--"home is where the heart is" :L:L
13. Name a sport where players lose teeth?
--Boxing
14. Name something a teacher can do to ruin a student's day?
--give them a bad mark for their english speech :L
15. What is a way you can tell someone has been crying?
--wet face
16. Name a bird you wouldn't want to eat?
--pigeon
17. Name something a person wears even if it has a hole in it?
--underwear. as in, it has holes =S
18. Name something that gets smaller the more you use it?
--toilet paper roll.
Sunday, 16 August 2009
Famousness.
I have excitingimundo news.
Smithteens emailed me! And they told me I am for sure in the book =) and they're giving me a free copy =).
AND AND you know that video I was making a while back? I made you guys choose the memoir? I can be my own superhero?
Yeah, well, oh ssnappe, it is the memoir after Taylor Swift in the video. (Yes, I feel famous right now)
Anyways!! LINK to video. (awful song they used =S)
And tell me your favourite memoir. I'm curious.
Smithteens emailed me! And they told me I am for sure in the book =) and they're giving me a free copy =).
AND AND you know that video I was making a while back? I made you guys choose the memoir? I can be my own superhero?
Yeah, well, oh ssnappe, it is the memoir after Taylor Swift in the video. (Yes, I feel famous right now)
Anyways!! LINK to video. (awful song they used =S)
And tell me your favourite memoir. I'm curious.
Wednesday, 12 August 2009
~My kind of beautiful~
I'm just an insanely high little girl, who feels like sharing some thoughts.
I wish you would tell me what's wrong. You may not realise, but I worry about you too.
I think you are beautiful and I wish you could see what I see when I look at you.
I wish you would tell me what's wrong. You may not realise, but I worry about you too.
I think you are beautiful and I wish you could see what I see when I look at you.
I just wish you could be here when I need you. I know I need you a lot. But life hurts without you here. I'm sorry.
I wonder if you need me like I need you. Or if it's just nice to have me around.
I'm gonna say thankyou again. 3 times really isn't enough.
I love you.
Tuesday, 11 August 2009
Things I Like
I like it when every smile is worth a thousand frowns, and every compliment worth a million criticisms.
I like it when hugs are a currency, and affection is worth more than money.
I like it when people smile when they see their friends, or their family.
I like it when people jump into hugs, as if they can't bear to be away from each other for another second.
I like it when people smile from the words of others. A simple sentence can make them feel special, feel infinite.
I like it when someone randomly screams out "I love you!" when they see their friends, and they're not embarrassed to have other people hear it and think they're gay, cuz it's only important that the message gets across.
I like it when people apologise for things out of their control because they want you to feel better, and it's the only way they know how.
I like it when the sun comes out from behind the rain clouds, and the world glistens with colour and light.
I like it when I look at the clock and it's 11:11, and I know that other people are looking at their clock at that same time, and feeling a little bit of hope.
I like it when I get to stand next to you and feel beautiful.
I like it when hugs are a currency, and affection is worth more than money.
I like it when people smile when they see their friends, or their family.
I like it when people jump into hugs, as if they can't bear to be away from each other for another second.
I like it when people smile from the words of others. A simple sentence can make them feel special, feel infinite.
I like it when someone randomly screams out "I love you!" when they see their friends, and they're not embarrassed to have other people hear it and think they're gay, cuz it's only important that the message gets across.
I like it when people apologise for things out of their control because they want you to feel better, and it's the only way they know how.
I like it when the sun comes out from behind the rain clouds, and the world glistens with colour and light.
I like it when I look at the clock and it's 11:11, and I know that other people are looking at their clock at that same time, and feeling a little bit of hope.
I like it when I get to stand next to you and feel beautiful.
Sunday, 9 August 2009
Hope.
I was meant to blog Friday, but that never really happened...
So I decided to blog yesterday, but that never really happened...
So here I am now, to share with you my nice words of wisdom.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and it's getting easier to be okay with hard things in life. Things will always suck, and I will always lose people, both physically and mentally. I think I can be okay with that. It's hard for me, though, to not know whether or not they're going to stay.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I'm going to change. I'm going to stop being annoying, critical, rude and ungrateful. I'm going to become the person I want to be. I'm not going to complain that I don't like myself, or that I wish things would change. I am going to change. Not wait for something else to. I will change.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I deal better with things falling apart than staying together. When things go wronf, I know that people will always be there for me, I know that I can whinge and complain, and wake up in the morning and feel better. When things go right, all I have is myself. When things go right, I get lonely.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I have hope. I have faith, I have inspiration, I have belief, I have knowledge, I have wisdom, and I have hope.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I love myself. This comes as a bit of a shock to me, the girl who always hated what she had become. Now I see that, at some point in time, everything I did was what I waned, and at the end of the day, I can accept that. And I can know that this is the person I've intended to be.
I don't want to be anyone else but me. Maybe the way I got here was a little unconventional. Maybe I went too far, ran away from who I was, just for silly little fantasies, but I came crawling back. I got here eventually. And along the way, I go to see that little glimpse of the life I never want. I've seen it all. For the experience.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and every now and then, I feel helpless. I know there's nothing I canm do to change things, and I can't just let them go, because people around me are getting hurt. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. :/
So I decided to blog yesterday, but that never really happened...
So here I am now, to share with you my nice words of wisdom.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and it's getting easier to be okay with hard things in life. Things will always suck, and I will always lose people, both physically and mentally. I think I can be okay with that. It's hard for me, though, to not know whether or not they're going to stay.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I'm going to change. I'm going to stop being annoying, critical, rude and ungrateful. I'm going to become the person I want to be. I'm not going to complain that I don't like myself, or that I wish things would change. I am going to change. Not wait for something else to. I will change.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I deal better with things falling apart than staying together. When things go wronf, I know that people will always be there for me, I know that I can whinge and complain, and wake up in the morning and feel better. When things go right, all I have is myself. When things go right, I get lonely.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I have hope. I have faith, I have inspiration, I have belief, I have knowledge, I have wisdom, and I have hope.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and I love myself. This comes as a bit of a shock to me, the girl who always hated what she had become. Now I see that, at some point in time, everything I did was what I waned, and at the end of the day, I can accept that. And I can know that this is the person I've intended to be.
I don't want to be anyone else but me. Maybe the way I got here was a little unconventional. Maybe I went too far, ran away from who I was, just for silly little fantasies, but I came crawling back. I got here eventually. And along the way, I go to see that little glimpse of the life I never want. I've seen it all. For the experience.
Hello, my name is Ebony, and every now and then, I feel helpless. I know there's nothing I canm do to change things, and I can't just let them go, because people around me are getting hurt. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. :/
Tuesday, 4 August 2009
Call me crazy.
Don't wonder why people go
crazy, wonder why they don't.
In the face of all we can lose in a
day, in an instant, wonder
what the hell it is that makes us
hold it all together.
---
Don't try to perfect;
just an excellent example
of being human.
---
When you look into my eyes
And you see the crazy gypsy in my soul
It always comes as a surprise
When I feel my withered roots about to grow
Well I never had a place that I could call my very own
That's alright, my love, cause you're my home
---
Some people hear their own
inner voices with great clearness.
And they live by what they hear.
---
I think scars are sexy
because it means you
made a mistake that
leads to a mess.
---
What we don't let out traps us.
We think, No one else feels this
way, I must be crazy.
So we don't say anything
And we become enveloped
by a deep loneliness, not
knowing where our feelings
come from or what to do with
them. Why do I feel this way?
---
If I'm crazy then it's true
That it's all because of you
And you wouldn't want
me any other way.
You may be right
I may be crazy
But it may just be a lunatic
you're looking for.
---
My next nervous breakdown is dedicated to you
---
I am not afraid of death. What's it going to do, kill me?
crazy, wonder why they don't.
In the face of all we can lose in a
day, in an instant, wonder
what the hell it is that makes us
hold it all together.
---
Don't try to perfect;
just an excellent example
of being human.
---
When you look into my eyes
And you see the crazy gypsy in my soul
It always comes as a surprise
When I feel my withered roots about to grow
Well I never had a place that I could call my very own
That's alright, my love, cause you're my home
---
Some people hear their own
inner voices with great clearness.
And they live by what they hear.
---
I think scars are sexy
because it means you
made a mistake that
leads to a mess.
---
What we don't let out traps us.
We think, No one else feels this
way, I must be crazy.
So we don't say anything
And we become enveloped
by a deep loneliness, not
knowing where our feelings
come from or what to do with
them. Why do I feel this way?
---
If I'm crazy then it's true
That it's all because of you
And you wouldn't want
me any other way.
You may be right
I may be crazy
But it may just be a lunatic
you're looking for.
---
My next nervous breakdown is dedicated to you
---
I am not afraid of death. What's it going to do, kill me?
Sunday, 2 August 2009
Ebony's Life Is Average.
First, there was FML.
Next, there was GMH.
Now, there is MLIA.
(If I'm a little slow on realising this, please don't tell me, I'll get sad)
Anyway, getting back to MLIA, it is very cool.
Well, it's funny.
And I laugh.
But then again, I'm lame.
Really lame.
When did this become about my lameness??
Moving on.
My Life Is Average. (If you are too lazy to click it, read some of these, and laugh, and then you'll want to click it. Or you won't be lame like me. And will stop yourself from clicking it. And never read my blog again. Your choice.)
Today, I went to Panda Express for lunch. The fortune cookie said "If you don't get your work done, blame it on the computer." Later that night, I didn't get my work done. I blamed it on the computer. It was a clever cookie. MLIA.
Today, I was sitting on the bus and this woman came in and looked at both me and the girl across from me and chose to sit beside me. I felt like I had won a secret competition. MLIA.
Today, my mom bought neon bandaids. I am more inclined to get hurt. MLIA.
Today, I noticed I had a small hole in the shirt I was wearing. It was old so I decided to rip open my shirt the way the Hulk does when he starts to transform. I'm 17, it was the most fun I've had all week. MLIA.
Today, while lying on the couch, I was watching a show that was basically mocking couch potatoes the whole time. So I moved onto the floor, and felt better about myself. MLIA.
Today, I noticed that a lot of people had facebook statuses about parties this weekend. I felt left out, so I changed my status to "party tonight!" and made my Sim throw a party. They'll never know. MLIA.
Today I went downstairs to turn the TV off, but my dog was watching it. So I just turned the volume down. MLIA.
Today there was an ant on my computer so I decided to change my cursor to an ant as well. I acted like a tough guy and had a great time bullying the real ant with my fake one. I think he knows who's boss now. MLIA.
Today, I noticed that the cereal I've been eating for the last two weeks is gluten free. I'm not really sure what gluten is, but I feel healthier. MLIA.
Today I was playing Baseball on the Wii. Then I looked out the window and saw my neighbour playing Baseball. I feel more technologically advanced than he is. MLIA.
Today I was using a public restroom and there was a sigb behind the toilet that said "don't flush with foot. $250 fine" I still flushed with my foot and received no fine. I felt like a bad ass. MLIA.
Today I became increasingly worried that my Sim was wasting her life by pining away for a married man and breaking up his marriage. Then I realised I had been playing six hours and had to admit who was really wasting their life. MLIA.
Today, I accidentally bought men's deoderant. A few hours later, I got a whiff and was attracted to myself. MLIA.
Today, I went to fetch some ice cream from the freezer. When I opened the container, I found that I had left a spoon in there. I thanked the me from the past for considering my future self. MLIA.
Next, there was GMH.
Now, there is MLIA.
(If I'm a little slow on realising this, please don't tell me, I'll get sad)
Anyway, getting back to MLIA, it is very cool.
Well, it's funny.
And I laugh.
But then again, I'm lame.
Really lame.
When did this become about my lameness??
Moving on.
My Life Is Average. (If you are too lazy to click it, read some of these, and laugh, and then you'll want to click it. Or you won't be lame like me. And will stop yourself from clicking it. And never read my blog again. Your choice.)
Today, I went to Panda Express for lunch. The fortune cookie said "If you don't get your work done, blame it on the computer." Later that night, I didn't get my work done. I blamed it on the computer. It was a clever cookie. MLIA.
Today, I was sitting on the bus and this woman came in and looked at both me and the girl across from me and chose to sit beside me. I felt like I had won a secret competition. MLIA.
Today, my mom bought neon bandaids. I am more inclined to get hurt. MLIA.
Today, I noticed I had a small hole in the shirt I was wearing. It was old so I decided to rip open my shirt the way the Hulk does when he starts to transform. I'm 17, it was the most fun I've had all week. MLIA.
Today, while lying on the couch, I was watching a show that was basically mocking couch potatoes the whole time. So I moved onto the floor, and felt better about myself. MLIA.
Today, I noticed that a lot of people had facebook statuses about parties this weekend. I felt left out, so I changed my status to "party tonight!" and made my Sim throw a party. They'll never know. MLIA.
Today I went downstairs to turn the TV off, but my dog was watching it. So I just turned the volume down. MLIA.
Today there was an ant on my computer so I decided to change my cursor to an ant as well. I acted like a tough guy and had a great time bullying the real ant with my fake one. I think he knows who's boss now. MLIA.
Today, I noticed that the cereal I've been eating for the last two weeks is gluten free. I'm not really sure what gluten is, but I feel healthier. MLIA.
Today I was playing Baseball on the Wii. Then I looked out the window and saw my neighbour playing Baseball. I feel more technologically advanced than he is. MLIA.
Today I was using a public restroom and there was a sigb behind the toilet that said "don't flush with foot. $250 fine" I still flushed with my foot and received no fine. I felt like a bad ass. MLIA.
Today I became increasingly worried that my Sim was wasting her life by pining away for a married man and breaking up his marriage. Then I realised I had been playing six hours and had to admit who was really wasting their life. MLIA.
Today, I accidentally bought men's deoderant. A few hours later, I got a whiff and was attracted to myself. MLIA.
Today, I went to fetch some ice cream from the freezer. When I opened the container, I found that I had left a spoon in there. I thanked the me from the past for considering my future self. MLIA.
Saturday, 1 August 2009
August.
I am 3:34 into my English speech. *claps*
And I actually like it. *cheers*
And I've decided I want to do it on the second day.
Well...
Hancock won't like me, so it has to be first 2 days. And first day is with Ms Young's replacement, but I dunoo who it will be. And Kolodziej really liked my speeches in year 8 (yes, back when Amy & I were teachers pets). But, I guess, he's so bloody moody.... it depends on how the Tigers go :L.
Oh, and it is August today, isn't that exciting???
It's my doggy's birthday on Friday.
He's turning 6! =O=O
So now he's old.
And soon I shall have to stop referring to him as "puppy".
But he's still small =)
Ok, I'm wasting time and I have things (including assignments) to do.
Goodbye sunshines!
And I actually like it. *cheers*
And I've decided I want to do it on the second day.
Well...
Hancock won't like me, so it has to be first 2 days. And first day is with Ms Young's replacement, but I dunoo who it will be. And Kolodziej really liked my speeches in year 8 (yes, back when Amy & I were teachers pets). But, I guess, he's so bloody moody.... it depends on how the Tigers go :L.
Oh, and it is August today, isn't that exciting???
It's my doggy's birthday on Friday.
He's turning 6! =O=O
So now he's old.
And soon I shall have to stop referring to him as "puppy".
But he's still small =)
Ok, I'm wasting time and I have things (including assignments) to do.
Goodbye sunshines!
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