Hiding from the world

I remember when I used to blog every Saturday morning.
I was the only one awake until about 10:30 (some things never change), and no one was online, so I'd just blog.
I remember when I used to blog everyday. Back in NaBloPoMo 2008.
But today, there's just some stuff I need to get off my chest

I wonder if, when she saw me, she saw through me. Did she notice that my eyes were still sparkling? Or that I was quieter than usual? Did she notice that I hugged her for longer than normal? That I wouldn't leave? Or did she just think it was me being me. Did she notice how hard it was to be me? Does she even care?

I know that I'm not as bad off as that. But I'm through pretending like nothing ever happened. Hell, I'm through forgiving you. You hurt me. It's time I came to terms with that. I can let myself be hurt, and I don't always have to be strong. I don't have to tell people though, because that hurts too. I just have to stop hiding it. I guess, the fact that some people know is sign enough that I'm learning to accept it. I just don't know if you'll ever be a friend again, just a "friend".

I never thought I'd be able to talk about it to anyone. But by seeing you talk about your situation, I'm learning to accept mine. I'd like to talk to you properly though, I'd like to be able to tell you about what happened. You know, I'd like to tell everyone. But I don't think there's anyone I can tell without freaking them out. I'm getting over this by myself, maybe I just need a bit of time.

I know I've always said that was the reason, I just never thought it was an issue for me. Admitting it was really important. And admitting to myself that it's no longer an issue was a nice feeling. But is that really the reason? Or am I scared of something greater?

I should really stop writing so cryptically. But this blog is about being myself. And I can't be myself with other people listening. So most of the time none of you have any idea what I'm talking about. And the rest of the time, you think you do, but I'm really talking about something totally different. And sometimes I'm not talking about anything, I just need to exhaust some emotions. Try not to think too hard about this, it just is.

You know how sometimes you are unbelievably sad for absolutely no reason?
I've been a bit like that lately.
And there really is no reason. Just that I haven't been sad in a while. I miss being sad =S.
...I'm so ungrateful.

I was always scared that was the reason...

Scared, because, if that is the reason, it's a lot more permanent than I thought.

But even if it permanent, I can learn to deal with it. Deal with it like everyone else can't, like everyone else won't try to.

I just don't want to be so different. Maybe I'd like that part of me to be normal, to be easy. But nothing is ever going to be easy...

This is the story of a girl
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And while she looks so sad in photographs
I absolutely love her
When she smiles

How many days in a year
She woke up with hope but she only found tears?
I can be so insincere
Making the promises never for real
As long as she stands there waiting
Wearing the holes in the souls of her shoes
How many days disappear?
You look in the mirror so how do you choose?

Your clothes never wear as well the next day
and your hair never falls in quite the same way
You never seem to run out of things to say

This is the story of a girl
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And while she looks so sad in photographs
I absolutely love her
When she smiles

How many lovers would stay?
Just to put up with this shit day after day
How did we wind up this way?
Watching our mouths for the words that we say
As long as we stand here waiting
Wearing the clothes on the souls that we choose
How do we get there today?
When we're walking too far for the price of her shoes

Your clothes never wear as well the next day
And your hair never falls in quite the same way
You never seem to run out of things to say

This is the story of a girl
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And while she looks so sad and lonely there
I absolutely love her
When she smiles

Your clothes never wear as well the next day
And your hair never falls in quite the same way
You never seem to run out of things to say

This is the story of a girl
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And while she looks so sad in photographs
I absolutely love her

This is the story of a girl
Her pretty face she hid from the world
And while she looks so sad and lonely there
I absolutely love her

This is the story of a girl
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world
And while she looks so sad in photographs
I absolutely love her
When she smiles
When she smiles!