Showing posts with label newyearresolutions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label newyearresolutions. Show all posts

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Headspace

Another bonus plog for being slack... because I promised Damian

I’ve decided that when I have $2000 in my change jar (or however much it costs to get a return ticket to Spain), I am coming back here. It makes me so sad that I have this incredible family that I’m not going to see for years and years. Everyone is so lovely, but their lives are so hard, and most can’t afford to visit Australia. Unemployment is crazy high here and everyone’s worried about their kids and their futures… but everyone is still so nice and they take us out to dinner and buy us lollies and show us the sites. They can’t afford anything, but what they have, they share and it’s like a completely different meaning to family to what I’ve seen before. Maybe Australians are greedy or maybe our culture is just different, but whatever it is, I love it here, and I want to spend forever here. Note to self: Must learn Spanish in a proportional rate to the increasing wealth of my change jar. (Tiredness leads to grammatically incorrect sentences; can’t even think of a simple way to phrase this.)

The saddest thing happened to us on the drive to Ayegui that no one else even thought was sad. A guy on the side of the road at traffic lights was selling tissues and dad had stolen my last packet that morning due to his illness and decided to buy them. He asked “how much are they?” and the guy said “just give me some money so I can eat”. Like, he doesn’t even have a price, he just needs something to live on, and that’s one of the saddest things ever. How many people will turn him away because they can’t be bothered to search for change, or are impatient to get on with their journey? Life is so sad and horrible and the fault is not within ourselves but in the stars.

I’m in a really good headspace here and I’m not sure if it’s the place, the people, or the lack of uni stress. I feel like I can achieve anything I set my mind to and I’m willing to try for a few things. Here is my “carefully written list of short-term goals”:
• Earn enough money in the next three years to be able to come back and visit Spain. If I save $2000 in my change jar, I’m willing to take the rest of the necessary money out of my savings. Therefore, if I accumulate money in change jar at an approximate rate of $13/week, this goal will be achieved. Factoring in my tutoring job that gives me $45/week in cash, this should be totally attainable.
• Learn Spanish. I don’t need to be able to speak in Spanish, I have plenty of translators here to do that for me. But I want to increase my vocabulary, to the point where I can understand the simple phrases my aunts and uncles ask me, and can order from a menu that isn’t translated. I’m not entirely sure how to go about this and I expect it will be quite difficult but, learning Spanish has always been on my bucket list.
• Find a better organisation system for uni. Last semester, I ran out of space in my maths books before anything else, and I only printed some lectures… I think I might have two books, one for lectures one for tutes, and not print lecture slides because they’re there at the end when I need them anyway… maybe numbers or something.
• Try hard at uni early to relieve later stress particularly during exam time. This is going to be crazy hard for me because uni starts tomorrow and when I get back to Australia I’m already going to have two weeks to catch up on, but I think I can do it… I might start listening to lectures on my holiday. Am I that pathetic? Maybe. (Don’t say pathetic, say dedicated Ebony).
• I’m going to cook more when I get back to Australia so I can have some edible food for lunch. In Spain, most of the food is rice and potato based, so I think I should try and replicate some of that at home. Plus, learning to cook is a generally good thing, even if my boyfriend will always be better at it than I am (but I beat you with desserts darling).
• Stop making up crap in my head. My fucking mind is a complete piece of shit and I am over dealing with it. I have enough things in my life to keep me occupied without overanalysing other peoples’ actions and words. If someone wants to tell me something, they will, otherwise, don’t go looking for it.
• Try and be a little less me and a little more what I want to be. Most people grow out of the stage where they talk too much and demand attention from people and are in your face all day. I am a child. And everything you say about me is everything I hate about me so I can understand why you don’t like me. I’m sorry I ruined everything for you. I love you. More than I thought I could, considering I barely know you.

(Just realised that these feel like new years' resolutions because I have such a long holiday and it's summer so it feels like January)


And that's all folks... will catch up on normal posts when I have spare time...

Sunday, 1 January 2012

Changing calendars

Happy new calendar year!
Because it's not a new year until I say so, a year is not defined by an arbitrary point in the Earth's orbit, rather, the calendar is.
My year will be defined when I feel that big changes are occurring. Usually, this is around February.
Still, I would like to at least attempt to formulate some resolutions, let us begin by reviewing resolutions of the past. Last year, I chose to formulate a life plan, rather than a list of resolutions. How did I go with that plan?

#1 Be happy.
Happiness is so complex that I can't say that I did or did not achieve it. At the moment, I am very happy, but I'm unsure as to whether that is due to external or internal factors. There are people in my life that make me happy, and people in my life that make me sad. Remaining positive through the sadness is perhaps all that is necessary. I don't feel positive because of the sadness, the sad will stay, and I am entirely pessimistic about it. But I believe there will be more happiness, and that is enough for me.
This year? No, this is not part of my life plan for this year. I believe happiness will come from doing the things I love with the people I love. But it cannot be "plan"ned.

#2 Try hard at school, but don't stress out.
I totally and completely achieved this, and I am 100% satisfied with how I went. Although there were times when I stressed a little too much, I think it helped me to ascertain my priorities. My results from the HSC were spectacular, and I think I eventually found a good balance.
This year? Definitely, this year I plan to try hard and not stress out too much. I think it will be easier working on a semester to semester plan, and having actually holidays, as I currently feel refreshed, and definitely burnt out a bit during the actual HSC.

#3 Get a licence. This must be done before the beginning of the footy season.
I did get my licence, although it was not before the footy season due to some personal problems. I may have failed my first test, but I think that was a life lesson :D
This year? I plan to get my greens before the year ends :)

#4 Earn money.
I did a lot of this. And also spent a lot on my David.
This year? Getting my scholarship recently has lowered the financial pressure, but I still want to earn a fair bit. I'm greedy, you know.

#5 Smile lots. Be optimistic. Life is actually a pretty big gift, enjoy it.
Overall, I have retained my optimism, although there was a chunk of the year where I felt a little helpless. Strong connections with friends helped me get through it and I'm totally thrilled to have so many wonderful people in my life.
This year? I'd generally like to be optimistic although I can foresee some events that may make that difficult. In fact, simply suggesting that it will be difficult already suggests a pessimistic attitude. But I will try. The world is my oyster, right?

#6 Appreciate time with friends. This is the last year I have a reason to see my people everyday, and after this, our relationship may be a struggle.
I definitely appreciated my time with them, a lot more than the year before. Since the HSC ended, it has been difficult to see them as much, but I don't think that has reduced our friendship at all.
This year? We have big plans on how to see each other, and although it may not always be possible to keep these plans, I believe out connection will remain. This is definitely onmylife plan for the year.

#7 Be a generally good person, but don't get too hung up on this. I've spent years feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone. It's ok to be a little bad every now and then.
...I still feel like I'm not good enough for anyone, so I supposed I've failed at this. But I'm still trying.
This year? Still on the list. Still trying

Have a great year!

Friday, 7 January 2011

Why not be worse?

Happy new year?

ok, so I haven't blogged in a while.
I've actually been busy.
This beautiful thing has happened these holidays, I actually have a life (sitting around watching star wars movies isn't a life ebony, what are you talking about?).
So yeah, I've been off living as much as my mum will allow.
Which isn't very much.
But we won't get into that now.
Anyways, I hope we're all starting 2011 on a high note, and not feeling too old just yet. I haven'y made any resolutions this year, although I have a sort of life plan.



Ebony's life plan for 2011:

Be happy.
Try hard at school, but don't stress out. If all else fails I can always become a teacher. (Oh wait? That's what I want to be? What's the problem them?)
Get a licence. This must be done before the beginning of the footy season.
Earn money. Because I feel guilty when I can't afford things because I spend $600 on photos of myself (I was meant to tell that story ages ago, but something stopped me).
Smile lots. Be optimistic. Life is actually a pretty big gift, enjoy it.
Appreciate time with friends. This is the last year I have a reason to see my people everyday, and after this, our relationship may be a struggle.
Be a generally good person, but don't get too hung up on this. I've spent years feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone. It's ok to be a little bad every now and then.
...that's about it.



I've realised that I'm insanely needy and clingy and that I have problems with myself. I like you because around you I like me. And then, she started saying that stuff and I started liking me less. Now I'm scared to be around you because I no longer think that I'm enough for you. I wish I could get over myself. I felt so sad lying there with you, thinking about how I will never be good enough. Maybe I am good enough? Maybe the fact that you want me means I'm good enough. But maybe I'm not. I guess, either way, I'll survive.



I used to do this. I actually used to think of reasons to go into coles at time I knew you were working. I'm so retarded :L Then again, I would probably still be doing this now if I actually needed anything from coles. I miss you when you're not there. Especially your smell. Nikki said the other day that she was worried because I always say you smell good but I never say you look good. But you do look good. You look amazing. You just smell fucking brilliant.



I don't even have facebook. But one of the only reasons I let her add you as a friend is so that I could stalk you. I don't look at it everyday, I'm not that obsessive (ok, so she changes the password too often) but I did start getting annoyed when it took you too long to change your relationship status.



Sometimes, you make me feel like this. Far out, you can be so irritating. Why do you feel the need to control everything about me? Is it so much to ask to have a life? And you say you try to understand me, but I'm really not that hard to understand so you mustn't be trying too hard. I am a stereotype. I have accepted this. But surely, stereotypes are the easiest to understand. What make me so complicated? Why don't you like me being happy?



It's so easy for me to be miserable these days, I feel like I'm trapped in my own house, and being here makes me sad. Every time I walk in the front door, a wave of sadness washes over me. As if I can feel my mum's disappointment in me radiating out of her body. I miss my dad. I miss him more than I thought I would. I need my licence =S

Wednesday, 27 January 2010

The lonely people

Confession #68: As we sat there, and we watched, you told me how awful her mother was. How over protective, over bearing, how cruel she was. You told me she wanted too much from her child. And I just laughed a little on the inside.

"Forty years ago, the Beatles asked the world a simple question: they wanted to know where all the lonely people came from. My latest theory is that a great many of the lonely people come from hospitals. More precisely, the surgical wing of hospitals. As surgeons, we ignore our own needs so we can meet our patients' needs. We ignore our friends and families so we can save other people's friends and families. Which means that, at the end of the day, all we really have is ourselves. And nothing in this world can make you feel more alone than that."

"Nothing will ever please you mom." – tiggerbabyy


Today was a chocolate sort of day. But, as per my resolutions, I didn't have any chocolate. I might have some later.
Today was just a bad day. Everything hurt, sitting down hurt, but getting up hurt more. Moving my head hurt, but focusing on one point hurt more. Everything just hurt.
I feel sick. And I had a bad hair day. Mum woke up and said "what happened to your hair?" Which, is, sorta funny, I guess.
Ugh, I dunno, I'm too tired to care.

Meredith: Just leave me alone.
Derek: I just want to make sure you're alright.
Meredith: No! I'm not alright? Okay? Are you satisfied? I'm not alright. Because you have a wife, and you call me a whore, and our dog died, and now you're looking at me. Stop looking at me.
Derek: I am not looking at you. I am not looking at you.
Meredith: You are looking at me. And you watch me. And Finn has plans. And I like Finn. He's perfect for me, and I'm really trying here to be happy, and I can't breathe. I can't breathe with you looking at me like that so just stop!
Derek: Do you think I want to look at you? That I wouldn't rather be looking at my wife? I'm married. I have responsibilities. She, she doesn't drive me crazy. She doesn't make it impossible for me to feel normal. She doesn't make me sick to my stomach thinking about my veterinarian touching her with his hands. Man, I would give anything not to be looking at you.

Saturday, 9 January 2010

Holidays

I am genuinely surprised that I had the patience to navigate all the way to a page for a new blog post because oh my gosh the Internet has never been slower due to my silly mother downloading an entire season of Men In Trees at once and DEVOURING any remnants of downloads we may have left.

But I'm going on holidays tomorrow anyway so when I come back I shall have Internetage.

I'm going to Callala Beach which is about 2 hours down. We're taking the doggie as there is a dog beach not too far away. Please miss me lots xD

Today, I made a chocolate cake.
And I KNOW I have a new years resolution about less junk food but I swear! I'm doing so well. I deserve a treat. =} And there's some cream in the fridge that I can whip to ice it with so that it doesn't go off whilst we're on holidays. Haha, that's actually not a bad excuse.

Oh, and my sister got her Ps yesterday, so now she's all awesome. And she appointed me as her personal navigator but I got her lost already :L:L. It's not MY fault it was a no right turn and we had to keep driving and end up in the never never. I think I did quite well, considering.

Anyways, that's all I have to say. I will miss you all. But not this sssllllooooowwww Internet. Be good and stay safe (unless you're May Lyn, and then you stay stafe.)
Live long, and prosper.

Tuesday, 5 January 2010

Lonely.

Confession #73: I miss you more than I should. I dream about you more than I should. I love you more than I should. That's what people tell me. I disagree.

“If you get between me and the things I love, I will ask you politely to move.
If you get between me and the people I love, you will move.”

Talking to you makes me sane. – Poodahead



Ok, so I've been... basicallly, a bitch.... for the past few days now. I've been in the most feral mood ever. And I feel like venting. But, I'm not annoyed at anyone in particular. I just get really really angry REALLY easily.

I think it has something to do with my new years resolutions.
Because I said that I would not sleep until I'd done something good for someone else. Which totally conflicts with the resolution of Do things for myself, not anyone else. I'm trying so hard to do my one good thing (and let me tell you, I am totally on track with that) that I'm ignoring myself. And I'm not happy. I want to be happy.

So yeah, that's my whinge for the day. I have to take my dog to the vet (again) today. He has a weird lump near his tail. =S I will come back and whinge again later.

Wednesday, 30 December 2009

Things I probably won't do next year

I'm finally getting around to writing a list of my resolutions.
Well, I will be :L
This could take a while. (Edit: It took 3 days :L)

1. Learn to love myself despite my past.
I think that's the hardest one, maybe. It's something I've failed at for a while now. And I keep trying too. Well, halfheartedly. I mean, could there ever be something I do or think or feel that is unforgiveable? Something that means I can never love myself? What if that something has already happened?

2. Do things for myself, not anyone else
I don't usually do what I want, I do what I should do, or what other people want me to do. And then, most of the time, it's not what they want anyway, it's what they think they want. So I may as well do what I want, at least for some of the time.

3. Eat less junk food
Which is something I've had on the list for a few years now. But it never seems to happen. In fact, if anything, I'm getting worse as I get older. But I'm gonna try again. Or you know, maybe I'll excercise, or somethign like that.

4. Actually stop biting my fingernails
I've lost count of the times this has been on my list. My nails are too weak to grow now because of how much I've bitten them. I really need to stop... eventually.

5. Smile everyday
I was going to put "smile more" but Nikki says I smile too much as it is. I don't think there is such thing as smiling too much. And I don't think she sees me all the time. Then again, a couple of months ago she told me she thought I was depressed. Go figure. Anyways, I just want to smile everyday. Not too much, not too little.

6. Admit when I'm wrong
I don't do that half as often as I should. I don't like being wrong. I really really dislike being wrong. But I should still admit to it. And I'm going to start.

7. Don't sleep until I've done something good for someone else
Because when I'm laying in bed at night, I want to focus on the good things I've done that day. The good things for others. So I'm going to do good for others.

---

Oh, and I read a new years resolution from someone who wanted to get more traffic to her site in the new year. So I recorded the address, and I haven't looked at the page next year. So if you guys want to, in the new year, head to jessicadelfino.com and try and make her resolution come true, it would be much appreciated =D

Happy New Year sunshines =)