Anyways, so here I am, and it's actually tomorrow now, which means I missed a day of blogging, oh how terrible. But I don't really care :L Because I have things to say =)
School holidays. It's like a time of intense loneliness, because everyone's doing their own thing, unless you're the kind of person that doesn't have a thing, and you keep jigging work for silly things like grand finals (31 years says it's not silly). And then you sit at home talking to people that are just as lonely and pathetic as you, and that you wish you could cheer up, but
And you sit in bed at night for hours and you think about his smile. So damn beautiful. And you wonder if, maybe if you hadn't had so many weeks without that smile, maybe you could still believe that humanity was beautiful. Because he makes it beautiful. And you visualise the conversations you can never have because you get that funny feeling in your tummy when he's around, and it's something you haven't felt in so long, which is why you maybe didn't recognise it at first. And now you do recognise it, and you're scared of it, and you want to run away, but without that beautiful smile you just feel this overwhelming sadness. And maybe when you're with him, you feel sad as well, but he makes the world shine a little more.
Oh my gosh, I'm such a stupid little girl. =S
Oh well, in for a penny, in for a pound...
And just thinking about your smile, for hours on end each night, makes the night more beautiful, and my life more beautiful, and gives me reason to smile, and maybe even takes away a little of the sadness. The sadness that I guess was largely caused by you.
I wonder, if you had never entered my life, would I still be here? Or would I be... happy? The word sounds so strange, because I often feel so very sad, but I know there was a time when I was happy. Or at least... content. And I had all my boxes ticked, which I thought was a sign that I was happy, although now I'm starting to doubt it.
But I might be starting to doubt it because I'm mentally blocking the happy I felt, so that the sad doesn't take over so much. Or maybe, that wasn't happy?
I'm so stupid and confused.
Oh, and today is RUOK Day, which is some weird thingy thingo.
So yeah, please leave a comment, and tell me if you are ok. (And it's ok if you're not. We all fall sometimes, but we get up again)
2 comments:
Honestly I don't feel like I'm okay. I feel lonely tooo.... :(
Eh, I guess I'm as ok as I'm ever going to be, as for lonely, I've always been lonely, as long as I don't think about it too much, I can live with being lonely, less people get hurt while i'm lonely. :)
P.S. You need to go to bed at a reasonable hour otherwise you'll end up like me and sleeping in when you are supposed to be doing stuff like going to work. :$
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