Karen is cool!

"Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticise others"

Confession #35: I can't spell criticise, or occassionally. =S

"Someone is always better than you" - soulcages



Today's post is inspired by Karen. She is my bloggy twin. She makes me smile. =) And she thinks I have sexy legs =D



I can't swallow a tablet or whistle. But my sister can't use a canopener, and my mum can't roll an R. And maybe you can't click, or swim, or ride a bike, but it doesn't really matter. There's more to life than being able to click, and it's time we appreciated the important things.
You know what? I give awesome hugs.
And my sister is an amazingly loyal friend.
And you guys are reading my blog!
And that's something all in itself.
Thank you =)



At first she didn't really know what she was getting herself into. She didn't mean to fall in love... not really. But then he started being all amazing and wonderful, and telling her she was special, and making her feel worthwhile. And... after a little while, she started believeing him, until eventually, she couldn't survive without hearing what he had to say. And at some point in time, it went beyond wanting to hear good things about herself, she just wanted to hear what he was going to say next. She just wanted him to know that he was beautiful too. She was just in love with him.



He tells her everyday that she is beautiful. Everyday. Sometimes she says "so are you", and sometimes she says "maybe I am", but she never really accepts it. It's so hard for her to see. He doesn't think he's beautiful either, and she tells him everyday too. But they make each other want to believe it. And that is something in itself.




I'm actually quite terrified of the truth.
She told me the truth today.
She often does.
It makes me want to kill her.
Sometimes, the truth isn't very pretty.
And sometimes, what people think is the truth, is just half a story they will never bother to hear the ending to.
So she can tell me her stupid twisted idea of the truth.
But she is wrong.
They're all wrong.



I haven't seen butterflies in a while...
I remember seeing a lot of butterflies when I was little. Me and Nikki used to chase them around the back yard. Mum didn't like the white ones so we'd chase them. Everything seemed so colourful when I was little. All of my memories seem so colourful. Maybe, my mind has faded like a photograph.



I just wanted to personally thank you for ruining my life.
I can never look at myself the same.
I can never be proud of myself.
I'm not sure I can ever love myself.
I am scarred by the very thought of you.
I want to wake up and find out it was all a dream.



Sometimes I feel like my opinion doesn't matter for anything.
I care so much about what other people think of me, that I've stopped caring what I think of myself. I don't even know what I think of myself.
I'd rather have everyone else in the world like who I am, than like myself.
And I think I do it all for her.
I've never been good enough.
I've never been right.
I've never lived up to her expectations.
And I want to make someone, anyone proud of me.
But I'm not good enough.
I'll never be good enough.
Because at the end of the day, I don't even like myself.

Chocolate sort of day

Confession #26: I am ashamed of so many different parts of me. Sometimes, I wish I could just start new, and that the past wouldn't determine who I am now.

"The way to be successful is to follow the advice you give others"

"I expect too much. I'm disappointed" - ayanastar



Today is a chocolate sort of day.
I mean, it's dreary and rainy, and I'm home alone. Very alone.
It's one of those days that you don't even bother with any other food, you move straight to the chocolate. And eat. And eat. And eat.
And eventually, you can smile a little bit more, and forget about the weather, and the aloneness, and the looming exams. you forget who and where you are. You simply exist.
And sometimes it's easier to just be sad. It doesn't take any effort, or inspiration. It takes pure and utter laziness, and that is something I have in abundance.
Yes, it's a chocolate sort of day.

---

Ok, so who else did really suckyish in the maths non-calc today?
More to the point who failed the January-May question because they forgot a month?
I forgot March, and Corinne forgot April.
But seriously, March is such a nothing sort of month. NOTHING HAPPENS IN MARCH! WHY DO WE EVEN HAVE IT?

---

She would never say, where she came from
"Yesterday don't matter if it's gone"

Another today

Confession #18: You make me feel special.

"What you keep to yourself you lose. What you give away, you keep forever"

"Ask me now, the answer's yes" - Eralyn



Today I am attempting to study ag, before watching the footy, and then washing my dog, and then working. Tis a very busy day. Not unlike yesterday.

I feel so powerful. Today is my first post with my new attitude.

I don't really know what my new attitude is. I just know that I'm sick of being diappointed in myself. I'm sick of telling people things, and having them change their mind about me. More importantly, I'm scared what you think of me now. I'm still the girl I always was, I just grew up, that's all. I discovered what I wanted, and how to get it. I didn't change, I developed.

---

Ok, wow, I just got bored and did an american IQ test, and all the measurements were in pounds and miles, and I still beat 90% of the population. Shame on America. :L

---

Ok, well, the footy is now starting, and I must go and cheer for my country xD
Talk to you later sunshines =)
Wish you were here,

A New Beginning

Confession #42: We share that bad habit. ;)

"Life is not the way it's supposed to be, it's the way it is. It's the way you cope with it that makes the difference"

I've decided to give my blog a makeover, it being boring, and me being bored and all.
However, the best time to do it is not when I have family friends coming over in 20 minutes, and food to prepare, and a present to wrap. Nevermind...

Anyways, so I've changed the colours, and the gadgets on the side, and will eventually even change my profile. And I've decided to change my mood.

See, I'm a thinker, and I've been thinking lately (as you do) and have decided that I (not unlike my father) have a poor attitude to life. An attitude that is reflected very muchso here.
So I'm chaning my attitude.

...maybe.

Anyways, must go sunshines
Wish you were here!

Failure

There are so many wonderful things about earning my own money. The best of which being the fact that when I have a bad day, I can walk up to Coles and buy a block (or two) or chocolate. And almost not feel guilty. I mean, I did walk there. And today, was a really bad day.

---

“I just…”
Any second now he was going to complete a sentence. He knew I had to go, and he knew I wasn’t going till he got an entire sentence out. Any second… “You just?”
“I don’t like telling you when you upset me”
His words crushed me. Of all the things he could have possibly said. I had hurt him. Right after I promised myself I never would.
“What did I do?”
“The way, you were talking about… him, I just… didn’t know you were still in love with him”
I’d known when I spoke those words that they were going to hurt him. But he asked me to tell him, and I couldn’t just avoid it.
“I don’t love him anymore darling. I just, know that I used to”
I tried to let those words sink in; this was the most important thing I’d ever said to him.
“Yeah, but, I wanted to be the only one. Not the person you love now, or the one you end up with, I want to be the only one”

And he looked so sad. Sitting there. Telling me the truth. Which is something I didn’t do often enough. I rarely even told him when he hurt me. But he was so honest. And I’d honestly hurt him. The one person in my life who I hadn’t hurt in the past week, and suddenly, bam, I had.
I could feel it coming, I was about to breakdown, I had maybe 30 seconds left…
“I have to go now” I said
“Ok…”
“I love you” I meant it, I really meant it
“I love you too”
And as I walked away, I felt the tears begin to pour down my face.

---

...I think I just failed life.

Awesomeness.

I'm back from my trip to Orange.
If anyone cares.
Wait, what's that? You don't? I think I might tell you anyway so :P.
Anyways, it was pretty cool, they have nice coffee and i visited (the graves of) my great-great-great-grandparents (2 sets) and introduced myself. I'm sure they'd like me if they met me.
But being a cemetary it was kinda creepy being there and seeing all these lives that once were. And animals kept moving and making noises and it FREAKED THE CRAP OUTTA ME.
But yeah, I met relatives. Yippee.

---

Oh, and by the way, you must go and check out this awesomelyful blog (it's about time I introduced you guys to a website). There was a really nice post a few days ago, so I'll link you to that. *searches*
To be inspired by awesomeness, please click on me.

---

And now, I rant.
Please ignore the remainder of this blog.

---

It's just gotten to the point where I get hurt everytime I talk to you.
I don't really get why.
I feel like we've hit a wall.
And in order to go through it. I have to get over myself.
And that's just gonna take a little time.

See, I still have this idea that everything in my life is supposed to turn out all sugarcoated and sunshiney. And that people aren't supposed to get hurt, because that's not the way it works. I think I have to get around that idea before I can be satisfied with anything in my life.

Until then, you can just hurt me.

---

I want you to know that I cried myself to sleep everynight this weekend because of you.
Because you don't understand me and I'm starting to doubt if you ever will.
I don't mean half the things I say, you know.
I'm just so confused right now, and I thought that you could understand that.
But you don't.
You never do.
And I'm not going to explain it to you.
Yes, I'm embarrassed by myself.
Shit happens.

---

I'm sorry I've been a complete arsehole lately.
I've actually been an arsehole mainly to you, and I'm sorry about that.
I know you don't deserve it. No one does.
And I'm trying to figure out a way to make it up to you.
But I can't think of anything.
I'll try and work it out though.

more nina does, more amy does, more i do

hi, i’m: ebony
how do you pronounce your name? like in the song
what is your age backwards? 51
how do you feel today? reminiscent

friendship:
who are your best friend(s)? amy =)
what friend do you tell EVERYTHING to? probably corinne, since she asks
what friend makes the most perverted jokes? yes, amy =P
who do you talk to the most in person? corinne. since shes in most my classes.

back to school:
what grade are you goin into? 11?
which period are you doing the best at? ehh. nothing =(
which period are you doing the worse at? english
Which teacher do you fear the most? crancher.
are you changing to a new school this year? never.
is someone else changing schools? are you?
who was your second grade crush? i dont remember second grade. i don't think i had one...

childhood:
what did you want your job to be? uhm. vet/fireman
who is your favorite teacher out of all of them? Dolman =)
what was one reason you cried? Because some jerk kicked me in the head in a game of dead fish. That's not dead, mate!
what shows did you never want to miss? LITTLE BEAR!

favorites:
chocolate: Cadbury or Lindt? lindt =)
color: greeen
shoe brand: im not a brand person
website: blogger/iloveim
theme park: none of them dammit. i am NOT a theme park person!!!!
instrument: guitar. air guitar being the coolest.
song: Runaway
what grade do you miss the most?: kindy? i dunno
who’s the first friend that comes to your mind that you miss? aileen
what else do you miss? little bear. :L

lies:
ever signed up for those online dating sites? lol, psh, no
ever lied about your age? lol, of course! bus is cheaper is youre 14.
to impress someone? eh, probably not
to freeload? er, no
ever used someone? of course. so many of my friendships work on using people.

this or that:
crunchie or kitkatt: crunchie
myspace or facebook: none of the above
flowers or chocolate? Chocolate is yummier (don't eat flowers!), but flowers last longer. so... both please =)
watch the news or historical teachings? be ignorant.
hold hands or kiss? both =)
white chocolate or dark? white

random:
what color are your shoes? my toes are green?
what was the last theme park youve been to? err, white water world?
name one thing you remember from history class: Gough Whitlam... err, that's it? (im so screwed for history =()
what mood are you in right now? sort of sunshiney
who was the last person you IMed? anna
who was the last person added on your Facebook: i am too lame for facebook
who was the last person deleted on your Facebook: see above
who did you last hang out with? my family?

Best: -lets go alphabetically :D
1. Male Friend: victor. none other necessary
2. Female friend: amy jenny joannie judy lisa
3. Vacation: cairns
4. Memory: err, last weekend
Last:
1. Person you saw: mum =)
2. Talked to on the phone: victor
4. Messaged over MySpace: im too lame for myspace
5. IM’d: Victor

Today:
1. What are you doing right now: =) smiling
2. Wearing? pjs
3. Better than yesterday? well, tomorrow is closer, so yes
4. Did you see the person you like? no =(
5. What’s the weather? bloody cold in orange
6. What’s bothering you right now? exams
7.What is in your wallet? money =)
8. Wallpaper on your computer’s desktop? err, the little blue thingo =S
9. Next time you will kiss someone? tomorrow =) (except i mean it amy!! =P)
10. Where was your default picture taken? im not a picture sort of person
11. Life: sunshiney?
12. House: missed me.
13. Doing this weekend? work/study
14. Wearing? pjs
15. If you could have one thing right now what would it be? you. actually no, i dont want you. :L i want a phone battery that lasts for longer than day without charging
16. Listening to? little msn thingy going dododo everytime people talk :L
18. What do you smell like? im not sure. people keep walking into the room and telling me i smell nice
19. Eating? your mum =)
20. On your bed, what is your favorite thing? you?
21. Do you believe in a soulmate? hmm, i dont really know. i dont understand myself anymore.
22. What do you wear to bed? pjs?
23. Do you remember your dreams? not often
24. Do you burn easily in the sun? yes.
26. What’s something you wish you could understand better? english
27. What did you do last weekend? work/study. wow, look at that!
28. Who do you miss? hmm, victor.
29. Who is the last girl you hugged? my mum
30. Who is the last boy you hugged? my dad
31. Who was the last person you went somewhere with? my family to orange
33. Have you kissed anyone on your top friends? top friends on what?
34. Last time you ate a home grown tomato? im not a big tomato fan.
36. What was the last thing you drank? lemonade to drown out the taste of crappy medicine =S
39. Do you like someone right now? i like everyone :L
40. What do you wear more, slacks, jeans, or sweatpants? jeans
41. What is the last movie you watched? part of loveactually :L
42. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink? cordial, juice, milk
43. What are you excited about? 11.5 hours
44. Do you want someone you can’t have? no
45. Who was last to slap your butt? karen
46. Where was the last place you went? orange?
47. What’s on your mind right now? showering? :L
48. Have you cried recently? put it this way, i just spent a weekend with my family.
49. If an unstoppable force comes across an immovable object, then what happens? the universe will end. unless the force/object is chuck norris, then that one will always win.

Away, away.

I guess, today has been one of those days.
Especially work.
Work sucked.
But I'm going to cheer myself up now, by pretending everything's ok.
Anyways, I have to go and eat dinner now.
So you can have some pretty pictures.
That I have maybe used before
But my computer's all jumbled since it's new.
And I don't know what I've used before.
But, yeah, they're good anyways.
So have fun.

Stealed quiz

Will you talk to the person you like on the phone tonight?
well, possibly, as i has a large amount of money i need to kill before it expires.

Ever had a near death experience?
err, dont think so :S

Where's your cell phone?
MOBILE!! next to me

What is the last thing you thought about?
where my mobile phone is

Do you regret anything?
nope

If you found out you were pregnant who would you tell?
everyone

What are you going to do this weekend?
i shall be in orange. looking at... stuff.

When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?
yesterday

Do you prefer revenge or just pure jealousy/envy?
neither

Who would you like your next "fling" to be with?
im not a "fling" person

Would you curse in front of your parents?
i do all the time, but i shouldnt

What kind of camera do you have?
hand-me-down from nikki

Would you rather go to a party or out of town?
out of town

Are you slowly drifting away from someone close?
yeah

When was the last time you held someone's hand?
probably yesterday.

Who can you tell everything to?
im not sure. i dont know if i can to anyone.

Can you play guitar hero?
not unless its with jenny and we both play at the same time :L

Is any part of your body sore?
uhh, nooo

Missing someone right now?
mhmm

Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be?
no, he should be there

When was the last time you saw the person you last kissed?
my daddy, 40 minutes ago :L

Do you like your phone?
indeed i do

Last thing alcohol beverage?
errr, a while ago

Have you ever slept in a bed with the opposite sex?
i has slept in my daddys bed

Have any of your best friends ever back stabbed you?
yeah

If you had to move in with a friend, which one would you pick?
victor

What's the seventh text message in your inbox say?
"I sowwy" - Victor

When is your next road trip?
err, thursday?

What did you do on the weekend?
uhm, go to peoples houses

Met anyone new in the past week?
stephen at work?

What do your bestfriends call you?
"Ebony"

Who was the last person to go to the movies with you?
my familia

Are you currently fighting with someone?
no, but im mad at them

Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
er, saturday?

Who'd you like to see right now?
everyone at school

Are you mad at someone right now?
yes

What's the nicest text in your inbox say?
"everyday. yes." - victor
or "goodluck in your exam today :) <3" amy
or "hey ebony, have fun tonight. shine like the star you ar. i hope you have fun. i love you. make 'em cry. love nikki" nikki.
or "im sorry bout yesterday (couldnt even till latr to say sorry on the train) were so silly lol i love you ebs!" - lizzie

Do you mainly use your house phone or your cell phone?
neither :L why use money when msn is free?!

Is there an empty place in your heart?
no, actually, well, i will never pretend to understand my heart

Do you count down the days till anything?
lol, not really (yes, guys, i gave up)

Are you looking forward to something as of right now?
uhh, maybe camp. i dunno, for exams to be over i guess.

Have you ever been called a tease?
err, no

What are your chances of getting with your crush?
lol

What is the farthest you've traveled with a friend?
to the end of the world

Are any of your friends so close that you consider them family?
yeah

Anyone told you a secret this week?
yes, exchanging secrets at jennys <3

Do you ever turn your cell phone off?
nope. apparentyl youre supposed to. but i dont

Do you hate anyone?
i dont know, maybe boarders

Last time you wore the opposite sex's clothing?
uhh, tuesday.

What do you want in your life right now?
you! ahaha. i dunno :L

When was the last time you laughed so hard you thought you were going to cry?
telling the breadroll joke to anna

Did you tell someone something today?
no, but yesterday yes

Do you trust people easily?
i try to

What were you doing at 9pm Friday night?
i have no idea. :S

Carboard Love

Carboard Love in a Digital World

Updates

Charlie has a virus.
As in, more than one.
So he's going to get put down.
And Mr Computer Man is building me another computer.
That is like, absolutely amazingful.
And it's XP, because he says that's better than 7 (anything other than vista is fine by me)
Poor Charlie. He's always been such a good computer.
...Actually, he's always been a pain in the arse.
So this could be a change for the better!

And today, I am going shopping.
An agony all in itself.
But my sister told me we have to spend a day together this holidays, and we have to spend our money.
So Mac Square, here we come!
And mum gave me $50 to spend. Indeed. Wow.

Oh, and I tried on my sister's dress yesterday.
The one I'm wearing to the formal.
And, well, it's a bit shorter on me than it is on her =S
And I don't like anything above my knees.
But then, I can't be bothered to buy one.
And I don't wanna make mum make one like she did for Nikki.
So maybe I can do something with it...

Okaay, well I should go now.
I'm just blogging because I'm bored and no one's online.
But it's ok, no one reads my blog anyway :L

Wish you were here,

The Bedroom Door

I guess when they tell you that you've made your bed and now you have to lay in it, they never mentioned that you don't get any second chances. They don't tell you that you're stuck with that bed for life, and every single crease, every single mistake, and every single choice you make about how many pillows, and which stuffed toys you want, you have those choices for life. Everyday you can fix some creases in the bed, but whilst doing that, you crease more of it. And it's never going to sit quite right, and you're never going to want to sleep in it.

And you can choose not to sleep in it you want, you can walk right out of the room. But it's a one way ticket, and as soon as you leave, you'ree not allowed back anymore. So I sit on the edge of doorway, like I used to when I was sent my room. I sit as close to the door as possible, and sometimes i put a toe over that line. And no one knows, no one cares, but I feel incredibly free.

And now I'm sitting here, on the edge of the bedroom door. And all I want to do is run out, to leave everyone in my life behind, and run, with you, forever. And I never want to turn around and look back at this bedroom door. There is so much pain in this room, in this life. And I can't bear the hurt it takes to look around me and remember. So one day, I am going to run.

But until then, I'm forever sitting as my bedroom door.

Holidays officially start... sorta

My computer has a bazillion viruses, so I'm using mum's. it's annoying. her keyboard is sucky.

but it's labour day!
and i don't know what that means!
other than i get $20 an hour at work!

Ok.
I am now about, ish, halfway through my studying.

Maths I'm 19/22 done
English I'm about 2/3
Science is 4/7
Ag is FINISHED
Drama is 1/3 (I left my book in my locker =S)
Geo 7/8
History 1/3
And I only just started Health

(And I'm trying very hard not to think about IPT. Ever.)

So, yeah, I have to go now and earn lots of money with my obvious charm and dashing personality.

Happy studying sunshines

Weak

weak weak weak
that's what i am
that's all i am
weak
weak in every possible sense of the word
physically, mentally, emotionally weak
and not a damn thing i can do about it
---
and when people ask 'how are you?'
uusually you give an answer like "good" or "bad" or "ok"
if you have an inside joke, you might say something like "the mediocre kind of pretty good" or "i feel like crap on toast" or soemthinglike that
and then there's those people that say things like "hopeful" or "small"
and they dont even know why
---
you know, it took me until today to notice this, but
i've never been loved before
which you probably don't care about
but i do
because someone loves me now
and it's a weird but amazingly beautiful feeling
being loved.
---
but, you know what
i'd give up this feeling
and have you not love me
if you could just love yourself
---
13 articles done. 2 more to go.
and hopefully hopefully hopefully i'll be at school to give it in.
as fun as being bored out of my brain at home is....

12

one - my head feels like it's about to implode.
TWO - I AM IN A GREAT DEAL OF PAIN RIGHT NOW AND I STRONGLY USGGEST NOT GETTING ON MY BAD SIDE
three - i apologise in advance for having a very large bad side
four - damn i'm shitty when i'm sick

I am now 12 articles into my 15-20 article scrapbook. And as I am extremely sick, I feel as if I deserve a break. And break I shall

---

I also discovered my science notes from last year, so I'm going to type them up so I can read them, But they're only for the first 4 topics. But that's ok, because I have my actual science book from the second half of last year, and that is even better.
So yeah, if you guys want yr 9 science notes, I'll email them to you when I'm done. (I will expect payment for this, hugs/secrets/dances will do).

---

hum, reading over yesterday's blog makes me smile.
it makes me feel 12 again.
and i like feeling small and 12.
"It's big, real big"
"That's what she said"
"Sookie!"
"What, I can't be 12?"
...
"It is really big"
"That's what she said"
"Lorelai!"
"What, you can be 12 and I can't?"

Victor told me a title wasn't necessary, he just wanted to read

one - i'm getting sick, and it sucks
TWO - I WAS TALKING TO PEOPLE TODAY ABOUT HOW AMAZING YOU ARE. I REALLY HOPE YOU ACTUALLY KNOW THAT.
three - i love feeling comfortable with you. i don't know how you do it. i feel like i'm at home. finally.
four - i'm not real sure what i did to annoy you. i'm sorry for always being such a bitch, though.

so...
health assignment...
mm, hasn't really happened yet
and it's not looking like it will tonight.

the other day i was looking over what i wrote about the essence of me... back in the day. I realised how much of myself has changed, just in the last 6 months. I'm happy now. I cry less, and there's always someone that notices. I don't dread turning out like mum anymore. And my fake smile ain't all that pretty. I found my real smile again. I'm getting slacker with memoirs. I think I'm perhaps a little less crazy, mainly because skipping/spinning make me dizzy.

Oooh, oooh, and speaking of dizzy, I'm FINALLY going to the doctors on Thursday!! yay!! it only took 12 weeks!

Actually, I've gotten a lot closer to my family in the last 6 months, we actually feel like a family again, and that's been a while. The only people I've really drifted from are my group. And, although I feel extremely guilty about that, I know that something's gotta give. Everything won't always be perfect, and I have to deal with things being less than perfect.

I feel like writing.
Hmm, I'll write the part of my story that I wrote ages ago.
(Seriously, I was going through these drawers the other day, and I found this, and I'm like, damn, that's insightful) (Okay, so I may or may not have only found a paragraph, and just extended on that now because I feel like writing)
---

"I can't do this anymore Luke" I said, I don't know what I wanted him to say, really, I just looked into his eyes, until he had to say something, I know he had something to say.
"Can't do what, Elle?" He gave me the same look.
"I can't keep pretending to be okay with everything that's happening to you, when I'm not! I know you have problems, okay, I get that, but you can't keep bottling them up, you have to let me in sometime. Not anyone else, you don't need to tell anyone else, but you need to let me in."
"I can't Elle, I can't let you deal with all this, I can't let it hurt you."
"That hurts more Luke, I feel like you can't trust me."
"I can, darling, I just can't hurt you."
"You already are" I tried to look disappointed, but I felt upset, so maybe my expresion came off as confused, or something else, but I was aiming for diappointed. But I was still trying to make a point, so I turned around and walked away.
"Elle! Elle, wait!"
But there was nothing to wait for really, nothing worth waiting for. I'd heard all the excuses a thousand times before, the 'i can't hurt you' and 'i care too much' and 'you won't understand', and I was over it. Completely over it. And there was nothing to wait for.
"Elle, I love you."
And I stopped. Becuase I didn't want him to think that those words had no effect on me, because they did. But I didn't turn around, because he wasn't forgiven. He just had a second chance. And I felt his arms around my waist, and his mouth against the tip of my ear, and I knew he was using his second chance wisely.
"I want to tell you" he whispered "it's just hard."
And that I could understand, I know what it's like to tell people things you never have before. I know how much trust is involved. And I knew that his problems went beyond 'I stole the cookie from the cookie jar', but admitting them was surely still difficult.
But he was trying, and I think that's what won it for me. He was trying to tell me. And even if he couldn't, that would still be ok, because he was trying, and that meant he was forgiven.
So I turned around in his arms, hugged him, and whispered "I love you too... and take your time"
And take his time he did.
But he told me.

---

And there he was; Hayden Parker.
He was the new kid on the block, the one everyone was dying to meet. He was the blonde haired, blue eyed, loveable nerd. He was beautiful, he was kind, he was funny, and he was clever. He was the kind of guy to talk business with your dad, and make your mum fall for him too. The guy that made every one of your friends jealous, yet made them want to spend more time with you just for knowing him. He had an answer to every question, he always did his homework, and all the teachers loved him. He was Hayden Parker. And he was standing right in front of me.

"H-hello, I'm Elle, you must be new" That was my approach, to act kind, but as if he wasn't anyone special, and that I was nice to all the new kids.
He extended his arm "Hayden Parker" We shook hands "I just got here yesterday"
"Cool, how are you liking ____{insertschoolnamehere}____?"
"It's a good school" he said, looking around. His hair falling effortlessly as he moved his head "The people aren't bad either" and he winked at me.
"So they tell us" I giggled. That line had sounded much better in my head.
"Right... well, I've gotta go to class, I'll see you later Elle"
"Yeah, bye"
And he walked away. And I watched.

---

Lol, that was more fun to write than it should have been.
Okay, well, I've sufficiently written.
Live long and prosper.

Worky bleedy bloggy singy

one - i like feeling stupid with you, you always turn it around
TWO - I'M SORRY FOR NOT MAKING IT OBVIOUS WHO THESE ARE ABOUT
three - i really really hate weekends, i need you. so much
four - your sim asked me to marry you ...maybe you do have the guts


ok, so that assignment i was meant to work on yesterday... didn't really happen
i mean, yeah, i meant to and all
and then, it just didnt happen
and sure, i feel i smidge guilty (ok, not really)
but maybe, i have a life! (/job)
and don't have time right now to do it.
because im living! (/sleeping)
ok, yeah, i feel mega guilty
sorry future ebony for not making your workload any lighter


i trod on a stick today.
the other end flipped over and cut my foot
now my foot is bleedy
but its antibacterialised
and bandaided
and its getting better

that was such a fun story wasn't it


hmm, i like blogging again, this is so weird
i mean, after blogging about twice all month
ive blogged about 10 times in a week
and its not like i have anything to say

then again, its not like i ever have


Because she's so ooohh ohhh ohh
Rock 'n' roll!
And out of my league
Is she out my league?
Let's hope not

Sorry

And I guess I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

And I'm pretty sure I don't deserve for you to believe me when I say that, or else I'd be an awful hypocrite. And I don't know how to prove it to you either. But I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for not believing you.
I'm sorry for not telling you how I feel.
I'm sorry for upsetting you.
I'm sorry for making you feel like you upset me.
I'm sorry for confusing you.
I'm sorry for not sharing my problems.
I'm sorry for complaining about things that don't even matter.
I'm sorry for never explaining myself.
I'm sorry for hurting you.

I just... really miss you.
I'm sorry.

You could say

one - i feel... small. that's how you make me feel. small. it's sort of a nice small, but, i don't really like feeling small.
TWO - I'M SORRY FOR OVERREACTING. I GUESS, I DIDN'T REALLY UNDERSTAND IT FROM YOUR PERSPECTIVE.
three - i swear, i'm trying. and i'm really sorry that i keep changing my mind and messing with your head, but i don't know how i feel.
four - i don't really know what happened with us. it feels like you don't like spending time with me anymore. i don't... understand.

Mum cut my hair today and now I look like Alice Cullen.
My computer just lost my sims (seriously, they walked out of the block, and never came back), and I've lost an hour of playing with them. =(
There were about 4 chemicals on my hair today and I think it addled with my brain.
After eating healthy for about 3 days, I sat down next to oreos, squiggle biscuits and zappos, and now feel like a fat lump again.
My health assignment was going well, so I took a break. That was 7 hours ago.

I guess you could say it has been one of those days...

Anyways, I've got to go make myself a pizza now, and maybe get around to that assignment...
Wish you were here,

semipermanent

I'm a little bit insecure
From all of this mis-treatment
But see I'm workin it out
Workin it out you're so damn hard
When you learn

I am running out of words
To say to you, wondering why im
Wasting my time
Thinking back and won-dering why
I'm such a fool for loving you

---

You know how when you're at school, and your teacher moves you for talking, and she says "that will be your seat from now on", you have this feeling, that everything is...permanent. The seat you're in, you're always going to sit in. That's how I feel when I sit next to you.

---

I've been waiting my whole life
For a someone like you
To go and pick me up and take away my blues
Its been one hell of a year
In my own shoes
But I've got some questions for you

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven
Did it hurt just to know I was right here waitin
Do you know, do you know
It was love from the first time we touched

---

I don't blog for my readers that much. I blog for myself. So I tlak in code a lot, or use the word "you". Sure, I'm an annoying bitch, but if people care they ask, and if they don't, they don't have to.

---

I'm in trouble
I'm an addict
I'm addicted to this girl
She's got my heart tied in a knot
And my stomach in a whirl

But even worse
I can't stop calling her
She's all I want and more
I mean damn
What's not to adore?

I've been playing too much guitar
I, I've been listening to jazz
I called so many times
I swear she's going mad

3 years ago today

The Date: The 24th of September The Year: 2006
It was a day much like today...

It was 5 am, and no one in the house was stirring. It was a deathly silence. And then the phone rang. A few woke, but none answered, it went to the machine "Henry, it's Lucy, can you call me back please, it's important". And the rest of the family returned to their slumber...

7am, and one-by-one, the family slowly woke from their peaceful sleep, to a cold house. "Where's Dad?" asked the youngest. "He had to go to the hosital to visit Lita" replied the mother.

And then the phone rang. "Ebony, Ebony, can I speak to your mum?" She knew something was wrong. She carried the phone to her mother. She started to cry...

There'd been a lot of that going on lately, crying. Maybe that's just what happens when a family member was in hospital. But this was different, Lita was getting better, she was coming out of hospital tomorrow...

"Girls, come here"
and she enveloped her children in a hug.
"What is it Mum, what's wrong?"
She started to cry

"Your grandmother's dead"

---


And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now

And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Just another mood swing

Work asked me to work today (as they do), which is very disappointing, as I won't be able to blog tonight (and I was doing so well too).
I think I need to have another rant though, so, well, we'll see how we have time for.

---

But you weren't supposed to say that, you were supposed to care, at least a little. You weren't meant to make me seem tiny and insignificant, you were meant to act like I was the only one in the universe worth worrying about.

But after all that, I still feel guilty, like I'm the one that did something wrong. I'm sure I didn't, I'm sure I acted exactly the way I was supposed to, but I still feel guilty. Maybe it is my faut afterall...

---

Maybe if I just get over myself a little, I'll actually be able to have a conversation with at least someone in my life without overreacting and getting mad at them. And I hate that I always do that, I hate that I distance myself from people, I wish I didn't.

But of course I'm just a stupid little girl, with stupid little problems, and I have to take them out on everyone else because it hurts too much to deal with it all myself.

---

And I'm so bloody tired.
I'm tired of staying awake until the wee hours of the morning, only to wake up at 7.
I'm tired of always being dizzy and falling over, even when I'm sitting down.
I'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night just because I've had another bloody moodswing. I'm tired of always having to keep an eye on the time, and not be able to actually spend quality time with anyone.
I'm getting a little tired of life, actually.
And as beautiful and wonderful and amazing and fabulous as my day off life was, it was only a day, and I still have to deal with life.

---

Ok, that's all folks.

Tears and Laughter

sometimes i tell you i miss you, but it means so much more than that. what i mean is that i can't deal without you, and i'm falling apart. and i need you right here beside me because i don't know how much longer i can last without someone to fall into, and to hug, and love, and i'm working myself up about nothing, and you're the only one who can make me chill out, and all it takes are your simple words and sometimes you say 'calm down' and sometimes you say 'take it easy' and by now i've learnt the difference, and i've learnt to trust your simple words, and if i could only have you right here beside me then everything would be just dandy, but i have my own silly little life, and you have your life, and i'm here, and you're there, and that just isn't working out for me...

---

and it took me a while to figure out which of those smiles was the real one, and which one of those tears hurt the most. it took me a while to figure out that i needed to smile more than i needed to cry. and it took me a while to realise what would make me smile, and what has always made me cry.

---

and maybe the only reason i pretend to care now is because i don't want to get hurt, and i'm sick of always putting myself out there only to have it thrown back in my face. and tomorrow i will wake up and i will laugh at myself for feeling like this, and crying whilst i write this. i'm going to laugh at the fact that i care about things that shouldn't mean so much to me, and i'm going to laugh at the fact that i could do domething so insignificant, and yet, so silly.

but more than any of that, i'm going to laugh at the fact that half an hour ago, i thought i had too much stuff to deal with. i guess, just when you think it can't get worse, it always does.

---

but you know, life goes on, and sith happens, and i'm going to be ok.
just like i always am.

Getting back into the swing

And I still cringe everytime a teacher walks past and asks me if I'm feeling better.
Im not sure why I cringe
Could it be because I know that they have their talks about what is wrong with me?
Or because it reminds me of just what is wrong with me?
Maybe because I realise that I'm not actually feeling any better at all?
Or could it be because every second teacher has figured out that I was upset, and yet not one student in my entire school has asked if I'm okay.
It really could be any of those, I just know that I cringe.

---

It's one of those moments that you feel the atmosphere building up to.
As if your whole life rests on this instant.
And maybe that's what makes you so terrified.
A single slip and your life is gone.
A wrong move, and you'll never be able to live with yourself.
But either way, you'll be disappointed in yourself.
In fact, you've manipulated this situation so well,
that there is no solution that you can be okay with.
And you follow a part of yourself that you're ashamed of,
But you won't follow it to the end.
How can you?

---

There's a few good things about keeping secrets actually.
1. You have an inside joke, or expression with the only person you dare to tell. The person you trust the most. And you can laugh about it with them.
2. There's something you can use as a bargaining chip if you have information you want on someone else. Yes, I am that manipulative.
3. There's a part of yourself you can hide from the world, the part you think about when you're trying to fall asleep at night. You don't have to share it.

But you know, you're always going to feel how you do, and no matter how many lists you write about such things, secrets will never be okay.

---

There's a light at the end of this tunnel, you shout
Cuz you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And those mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only tried turning around

---

I was about to post this before I realised that it doesn't in any way reflect my mood.
(Which may or may not have changed dramatically since someone came online)
I am actually quite happy (no matter how confused) at the moment.
So let's make this happy :L

My name is Ebony, and I'm addicted to you (just because you're reading my blog). I enjoy the good life of olives, pez and grape zappos (you wish you had a C3PO pez dispenser like me) (bloody watch star wars you undereducated children!).

Anyways, I'm going to write a list of things that make me happy (inspired by smithteens):
Zappos
Pez
Olives
C3PO
Lollipops
You (not actually you in particular. well, he knows i mean him)
Rainbows
Babies
Smiles
Children (not like that)
The Sims
Money
My people
My family

And... yeah.
What makes you happy?

Happy Beginnings (post 300)

"I want to make you fall in love with me everyday"
I fell in love with you again today. A fair few times, actually.

You know those days you have that are so happy, they sort of make you sad. Because you know that no matter what you do, nothing will ever be the same again. And nothing else can ever be this good. Yeah, today was one of those days. I feel sorta sad now.
Sad in a sentimental way. It's a nice sad.

And we really do make for a perfect lifestyle.
Fall in love with me again?

Happy Endings

Ebony's week.

Ready for a very quick update on my life?

Ok, well, school. Got another assignment, but also handed one in, win some lose some I guess? And English is due this Friday, which I hadn't started until a few days ago, but after this morning's assignmenting (all 2 hours of it), I think I'm nearly done (oh the things we can accomplish before our parents wake up). I also have a stack of homework that won't get done in the not too distant future, and my English book still hasn't been read, because, well, I was meant to do it after work yesterday but then I got distracted.

Two days ago I went through and read every single blog I had missed over the past 2 weeks, (yay for ebony!) but I haven't read blogs since then, so I'm still behind :L.
I have however, finally caught up with memoirs (we wont mention how many thousand I had missed), including the forum.

Work is gradually improving as I figure out what I'm doing, and I've only majorly stuffed up a few times :L. But yesterday after work I met this awesome guy (I think he said his name was Will) who is in 4th year uni doing an advanced science degree, specialising in chem/bio, and he's making antidepressants. as in, making them. which is very cool, and managed to suitably distract me from Runner (sorry Hancock).

My uncle's birthday was about a month ago, and I'm going over to my aunty's today for lunch, which means I'll also see my grandpa. Who is getting worse =S But, yeah, he's better than he was a few weeks ago, so, that's good, I guess.

Last but by no means least, I got my smithteens book in the mail on Wednesday! I'm on page 89! And I have postit noted, like, everyone I know in there. Yellow postits for people I talk to, blue postits for people I know. And and IT IS SO COOL. And Jordan doesn't believe it's actually me in the book :L

Ok, have a good week, I will update you next weekend :L
And keep smiling!

Finally blogging

I'm really sorry for not blogging, like, at all lately. But I really am swamped with school, assignments, working @ 2 stores (finishes, this week) and football (sounds lame, but WE won the minor premiership so =P).
Anyways, I have a stack of stuff I've been meaning to write. Including a very special post I need to plan for September 24. But right now I'm just trying not to break my new year's resolution (blog every week).

So yes. School is getting very taxing, but term 3 is always like that for me. I just try to ride it out. Thankfully, on Friday, 6 assignments became 4, as I handed in history and ipt. We got back IPT today, and my group got 10/15. But my section got 4/5. So yay!

I've been transferring from macquarie fields to wattlegrove store for about 2 weeks, which means i've had 4-5 shifts. which is basically killing me. as getting to mac fields takes a good hour by bus and train (oh how i wish i cold drive). so time has basically been getting rarer and rarer, meanwhile i get richer and richer!

I was awesome and lucky enough to go to the Eels/Dragons game on Friday, and unlucky enough to go to the Bunnies/Dragons game the week before. At about halftime I stopped watching, it was torturing me. The Eels game however was beautiful. The best part being sitting in the corner where the first 3 tries were scored.

My grandfather got out of hospital on Friday!! So to all the people I've told about that (and I'm not sure how many there are), he's finally out, but on oxygen 24/7. At least he was out for father's day though.

So that's basically been my life lately.

Oh, and Charlie is being a piece of shit and restarting himself randomly, and not letting me sign into msn, which is REALLY PISSING ME OFF!

Anyways, keep smilng!!

PS: Anyone who has blogged in the past 2 weeks, I have not read it yet. Forgive me. When you get comments next month from me, at least you'll know I'm still a dedicated reader. Just a dedicated reader without enough hours in the day. (I haven't played sims for a week[except for when amy came over)