A Better Place

This is my 250th post.
But I really don't care :L
Because I have a really bad headache, and the world is spinning a little, and I can't stop coughing. And I just generally feel like crap.

So! I'm going to tell you about a dream I had last night (without mentioning names)

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He forgot. I guess he's getting old, and isn't so good with dates anymore, and maybe it hurt too much to remember that date. He forgot, as he forgets every year. But that's not what was important. The important bit was that you were there. You who I haven't dreamed about in about 3 years now. Because you're not there to dream about. It was as if we went back in time, which no one seemed to notice except me; "they just stuffed up" was all I got. I never learnt what we threw into the ocean long, long ago.
But you were there.
In all your beauty, and kindness. Your willingness to care, to learn, and to care and learn for me. Your willingness to love me. Which I don't remember all that much. In fact, I don't remember what you look like anymore. The day that your face disappeared from my mind I cried for hours on end. Last night, your face came back. But more than that, you came back. Because you never left, they just stuffed up. Did you get that? You never left. You never left me, or my world. You stuck around. They just stuffed up.
I was so excited, I resolved to tell everyone here on my blog (yes, I dream about my blog), I resolved to post your song, one last time. I resolved to make the most of having you back. For all of the fuzzy consciousness that my dreams usually are, last night it was crystal clear. I was going to make the most of having you back in my life.

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I don't have you back, they didn't stuff up, I'll never have you back, and I will never be able to make the most of having you in my life. You will never be in my life. Never, ever again.

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But here is your song, the song I can never bring myself to sing. The song that was always about you. I'm sorry I never loved you enough, I miss you.

Sha la la la la, sha la la la la

You used to call me your angel
Said I was sent straight down from heaven
You'd hold me close in you arms
I loved the way you felt so strong
I never wanted you to leave
I wanted you to stay here holding me

I miss you
I miss your smile
And I still shed a tear
Every once in a while
And even though it's different now
You're still here somehow
My heart won't let you go
And I need you to know
I miss you, sha la la la la
I miss you

You used to call me your dreamer
And now I'm living out my dream
Oh how I wish you could see
Everything that's happening for me
I'm thinking back on the past
It's true that time is flying by too fast

I miss you
I miss your smile
And I stilll shed a tear
Every once in a while
And even thought it's different now
You're still here somehow
My heart won't let you go
And I need you to know
I miss you, sha la la la la
I miss you

I know you're in a better place, yeah
But I wish that I could see your face, oh
I know you're where you need to be
Even though it's not here with me

I miss you
I miss you smile
And I still shed a tear
Every once in a while
And even though it's different now
You're still here somehow
My heart won't let you go
And I need you to know
I miss you, sha la la la la
I miss you

I miss you.

Grow.

This is pretty much just random ranting :L

Some are good, smoe are bad

Some are about readers, some are about people none of you even know

I don't even know if you'll bother reading it all

BY THE WAY!! Can anyone tell me what the hell simultaneous equations are?? Are they equations on the same number plane or is Shiri stupid? And for goodness sake don't tell me how to solve them. just tell me what they are!!

I know that hug meant something different to you than what it meant to me. I also know that I somehow, magically, fit perfectly in your arms, as if we were designed for each other. And you only hugged me because you thought I needed it. Which I did. Yeah, I've said it before, I'll say it again, you're awesome.

***

I shouldn't be so happy after talking to you. I really shouldn't. But you brighten my every day. It's like, for 10 minutes afterwards, I can't do anything but smile. Which is strange, because I've never known anyone with that effect on me. I admitted that you were my favourite, I didn't say that I now count you amongst my best friends.

(N2S: stop doing this you silly)

***

Oh goodie, let's have an immature fight. I'm sure that's a great way to solve all our problems. Oh wells, at the end of the day I am happy and you are not.

***

SPEAKING OF! I'm happy. No, really, I'm happy. Can you believe it? How long has it been?? A bloody long time!! But I've done it, I'm happy again.

***

… I had the weirdest dream last night. I mean, I thought that part of my life was behind me (is anyone else getting déjà vu?), but I guess not. I think, maybe, because we can now have a conversation without me stammering my way through it, more to the point we can now have a conversation. That's new. But the feeling, that was old.

***

Now I can say it to your face. And you know what? I'm proud of that. I can finally face up to you, instead of letting myself be hurt by you, and changed by you. I liked myself how I was, thanks all the same, and now that you're gone, I can go back to being myself.

***

There comes a point in your life when you realise that… you're growing up. That instead of you and your sister fighting, suddenly it's your parents. That when it comes time to plan birthdays, and such, you take on a bigger role. When they do something, your parents ask for your advice. I guess, it's like, you've started looking after them, not the other way wround.

When mum got sick a few weeks back (did I neglect to mention that on my blog?), sudddenly, everything was about me and Nikki. We pretty much took care of our family. Dad would go to work, come home, and occassionally cook, but that was about it. Nikki and I would come home, make Mum a cup of tea, sit on the lounge and watch TV with her, constantly asking if she needed anything. On the day that she could only eat/drink clear things, I walked up to the shops to get her barley sugars. We would check her emails for her, put on movies for her, get her a blanket, or a glass of water, anything to stop her getting up... or at least we did try to.

I guess it was a really eye-opening experience, that now I have some sort of independence. I can do things for myself. I can do things for others as well. I'm not so much of a selfish bitch (Emphasises "so much").

***

It's really nice to be appreciated.

Thankyou for appreciating me.

(Why do I always sound retarded when I talk about you?)

***

I know you don't think that your smile has so much of an effect on me. And I know you think that when you said that stuff, I just brushed it off. But really, no one else Can ever… do that. Can make me smile so… happily. Haha, I don't make any sense, and you don't read this, why the hell am I bothering?? :L

***

Today, Sandie said that someone in her group said that they like talking to me when they're depressed because I make them feel better. That totally made my day

***

I really really want to put the lyrics to "I Can Wait Forever" here again.

But I shall resist.

She says I never listen and I'm not attentive to her emotions
I say she's got tunnel vision, only sees it her way,
so we never can work it out.
She's all ready to give up and move on, I don't think she knows,
how I wish sometimes she could read my mind.

CHORUS
If she knew how bad I wanna make this work,
how my love belongs to her,
she wouldn't be able to walk away.
If she knew how bad I gotta have her close,
if I ever let her go, I wouldn't make it a single day,
she would never have to ask again
if she knew how bad

I've got it
Gotta find a way to tell her how I feel before it is over
I guess I could have done things better
I never should have let things get this far
She's all ready to give up and move on,
I don't think she knows
How I wish sometimes she could read my mind

CHORUS

The thought of losing her because I did something wrong
I guess I should have been there whenever she needed someone
It's a feeling that I know would kill me, cause
she's my heart, my soul, my love
I would never give her up

CHORUS

If she knew how bad
how bad I really love her
how bad, how bad,
if she only knew how,
how bad I really love her
I just can't live without her
If she knew how bad,
if she knew how bad


look at his eyes
=O =O
!!!

Your cold stare haunts my dreams

I just remembered what I dreamt about last night. and it's so hilarious, that I thought I'd share it. Dreams over the past few days:

1. The usual - I was sitting there watching Luna. That's a recurring dream of mine. Especially at around the new moon, because I can't see her, I dream about her. She gets bigger and smaler, and goes through an entire lunar cycle in a few minutes.

2. Nocturnal cannibals. - The world someone got turned all crazy, and everyone turned to stone, and stone came alive, and I was friends with a man of gold, as well as some strange species of nocturnal cannibals. They ate people. But not me. And then the world went back to normal (I don't remember the details, okay?) and I went to visit the cannibals, wondering if they'd remember me, and they did. And I stayed with them for a while, until I woke up.

3. Hunaiza's school shoes - I also dreamt about my school jumper. I don't quite understand this, but clearly, I spend too much time at school. And too much time thinking

4. Bryan - The other day I saw Bryan for the first time in forever. And then I had a dream about him. And Osmond. And I don't remember very much of it, just that, the next day, I saw Bryan and Osmond together, and I got major deja vu, and realised I'd had a dream about them.

Look, you already knew I was crazy!