Raindrops

Everytime a raindrop falls I cry another tear for what could have been and what never will be because I never let myself take a chance or bend the rules. They tell you to break the rules and then marvel at your stupidty for not listening to those who set the rules, those who are wiser and more knowledgable than you. Was it wrong, after all, to listen to you? Or do I really not know what is best for me, because I am simply an ignorant teenager? What is it that makes us question ourselves and every decision we make? Why do we make excuses for ourselves, and see ourselves with such hating eyes? How can we love ourselves when we spend each day searching for another imperfection? And if we, for just one second stop and see ourselves perfectly we are again ridiculed for being conceited and shallow. We should never feel shame for loving ourselves. We should never feel shame for making mistakes. People are imperfect, and that is ok. Mistakes are what makes us human, irrationality is what makes us beautiful.

---

I'm trying to convince myself that you do what you do because you love me and want to protect me, and not because it terrifies you that I may find happiness. I'm trying to convince myself that you do want me to be happy, and that you tear me away from the people that make me happy because you're scared I will be hurt by them. I'm trying to convince myself that you fight with me because you're trying to teach me lessons, and not because you don't like the person I turned out to be or because I disappoint you and don't live up to your expectations.
But I'm finding it so difficult to believe that.

---

I like being crazy, and I like that a visit to a university makes my rainy day sunny again. And I like that I dance in the rain on the way home and that people in passing cars give me weird looks. And I like that when I'm home alone I crazy dance around the house. And I like that I buy CDs/books/tshirts from people that I've only seen on youtube because I'm so addicted to me computer. And I like that maths makes me happy, and that I do 4 unit for the maths, and don't care if I come last because I don't need the ATAR boost anyway. And I like that being sad makes me happy, and that I think crying is beautiful. I like that I cry everyday and still end up being happier than anyone else I know. I like that people think I'm the person that always smiles. But some part of me wants to be normal, in whatever that word means. Do other people feel like this late at night?

---

He spends everyday hopelessly in love with her, and she says rude things to him and ignores him, and fights with him. He tells her friends that she's upset because he thinks she needs someone to talk to because she doesn't talk to him anymore. How can he go on caring for her day after day? Is this killing him inside? Does he lie in bed at night and cry himself to sleep thinking about the way he is wasting his life on her? Does he think there's still a chance that she may fall for him agai? Or has he finally faced the fact that that will never happen? Why is love so fucking complicated?

Smile because you can

Me: I miss him
Paul: Who's him? There's too many guys that I need to clarify
Me: Oh, you don't know this one
Paul: ...what's the girl version of a pimp?
Me: :(

Patrick: Your momma's so fat, if I pushed her in space, I would move an infinite distance away before she even got anywhere (Physics jokes FTW!)



I wish I could write this feeling like no one will ever read it. But people do read it, people I write about read it, people I write about read it and overanalyse it (ok, just the one :L)

In fact, I overanalyse it as well.
I look over it, and pull it apart and put it back together and try and figure out what it all means. What does it mean? What do I mean? How do I feel? And when did life get so damn complicated?



I miss feeling cared about. I think that's all this shit really is. I miss being hugged everyday simply because I told you I liked it. I miss laughing at nerd jokes with you, I miss buying you Christmas presents, and I miss receiving them from you. I don't miss you, I don't even really talk to you, even though I thought I would. But I miss the idea of having you in my life.



Paul: I am now accepting bff aplications, must:
*be there for me
*not lie, about anything
* Let me get to know you, everything about you, nothing left out
*Not judge me
please be my best friend
Me: I would like to apply
Paul: LOL ok
Me: My name is Ebony, and I'm a pretty good best friend, I think. You must let me steal study notes from you, and let me complain to you about boys, and not judge me for things I do when I'm pmsing
Paul: lol ok

So now Paulie is my best friend =) And I have his physics HSC paper to study from (thus fulfilling the first of his obligations)



I guess, sometimes, it's easier to smile than to cry or tell people how you really feel. When I tell people I don't feel like I have real friends anymore, I laugh. I guess, it's easier to say everything if you say it with a smile.



Talking about you makes me happier than I've been in a while. Talking to you makes me infinitely more happy. when I think of you, I'm not all jumbly anymore, I'm just me. Whoever that is. Whoever it is you talk to. Just having you in my life gives me reason to smile. Thanks for being here =)

Goodnight sunshines, I need to get to bed at a reasonable time tonight =)

You inspired me

Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like everyone you talk to hates you?
Well, that was my day yesterday :L
But today, I'm feeling much more positive, probably because I've done all my homework and I'm not feeling any guilt at the moment =)



I'm not really sure how you changed me. I know that I find myself smilng more now, and that's good. I know that I feel an amazing confidence in myself that I never used to have, because I feel weirdly... loveable. Haha, not that I didn't already think that? I don't know, you just make me feel like someone actually wants to talk to me other than my parents (not that parents aren't totally cool bananas)



I do sometimes feel quite small and I believe this is because I am a perfectionist

"And yet, you still find one thing to obsess over. One form not filled in. One call not returned.

Obviously, this means your entire life has been a failure."

I find that if I have one piece of homework not done, or one assignment not completed at least a week before it's due, I am a failure, and I love how much this quote mocks people like me, because, it makes me realise how insignificant my life is in the grander scheme of things (and makes me feel better about not having my physics prac report finished yet)



I saw you again today, and I felt a bit of sadness. I saw the way your hair falls around your face again, and I saw the way your forehead crinkles when you concentrate really hard again. I saw the way you walk again, and I saw the way you form your body into a percussion instrument at will again.
I don't miss you. But I felt a little sad.

Things of relevance

Hmm, I haven't posted anything of relevance in a while :L
Shailin was telling me on Friday that she found my blog a while ago, and was amazed that I'm blogging, because everyone gave up on the blogspot craze ages ago (yeah, and moved on to facebook, wait, what?)

So yeah, I don't know what to say now :S



I think that's my problem, I need someone to live for. Or something equally stupid and pathetic...



Floating, falling, sweet intoxication!
Touch me, trust me savour each sensation!
Let the dream begin,
let your darker side give in
to the power of the music that I write -
the power of the music of the night .



I thought that maybe seeing your beauty again could make me forget how ugly the rest of the world is. I thought that the lack of your pulchritudinous smile was the reason I chose to hate people. I realise now that this smile had only heightened my hatred of people, mainly because wanting to see this smile so much has heightened my hatred of myself.



Oh well I look at you and say it's the happiest I have ever been
and I'll say "I feel I no longer have to be James Dean",
and She'll say,
"Oh yeah, Well I feel pretty happy too,
And I'm always pretty happy when I'm just kicking back with you".

and it will be
Love Love Love
All through our bodies
Love Love Love
All through our minds
and it'd be
Love love Love
All over her face



So I know we've sort of been avoiding each other lately, but you told me that if I ever needed a friend, you would always be there. So today I decided I would talk to you, and I'm glad I did, because you are quite nice and I miss you sometimes. One day, we should be friends :L



To give me all your love is all I ever asked,
Cause what you don't understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ;
But you won't do the same

No, no, no, no
Black, black, black and blue beat me till I'm numb
Tell the devil I said “hey” when you get back to where you're from



I talk to you because you make me feel good about me
And that is mean and manipulative, and oh so very me
And I'm sorry.
You are such a lovely person
And I think I'm taking advantage of that?
I would love to get to know you better though
Thankyou for not trying to be something you're not

I choose...

Inspired by Brandy

sweet over salty
Alex Day over Charlie (really Ebony, really?)
beef over chicken
early over late
everything over pink
the herald over the telegraph
boys over girls =S
dogs over cats
Graphmatica over Geogebra
too much over too little
high expectations and disappointment over low expectations and delight
boots over heels
bludgy over being active
school over work
blogspot over facebook
tomato sauce over bbq sauce
moonlight over sunshine
saving over spending
ice cream over chocolate
ncis: la over ncis
olives over ice cream
blogs over books
Newton over Galileo
texting over calling
spiderman over superman
iTunes over Limewire
unsw over usyd
words over pictures
good news week over the news
Mark Harmon over Michael Weatherly
half full over hlaf empty
creativity over conformity
pro-life over pro-choice
The Sims over Mario
mascara over eye liner
physics over chemistry
Kevin over Julia
too hot over too cold
you over me

Ventings =)

A few things I guess I just need to vent...

I hate that we avoid eye contact with each other. And make it awkward. I'm sorry it has to be like this. Who ever thought that I would actually listen to what my mother had to tell me, and decide to stop being someone's friend before she made that choice for me.
But I had to, because one of us was going to end up hurt, and I guess this time I didn't want it to be me. There is some small, but present chance that I have still not recovered form that, and the prospect of that terrifies me.

---

Without you, I am sad. When you have dinner, or have a shower, I tend to get really sad. And then start crying to Taylor Swift songs. And when you're there, I don't even know how you make a difference, other than telling me to clam down, and keeping me grounded. But whatever you do, I need you. And I hate when you leave.

---

I remember when I used to see you everywhere. Well, it's happening again. And sometimes, it's the same people, and sometimes they look different because they've changed. Have you changed? Who are you now? Do you ever think of me? I should stop thinking about you.

---

I have to sacrifice to belong. And I will. For you. I think you deserve chances in life more than me because you fight for them, whereas I just accept them. So you can have this chance, and I'll wait for the next one.

---

I'm trying to pretend that I wasn't going to mention you but in reality I was saving the best for last. I would like to pretend to myself that I hate you, or that I want you out of my life, or that I would be happy if you weren't in my life. But, I don't think any of that is true? And I don't know if I wish I was true?
Because I like the butterflies, and I like smiling so much around you that my cheeks hurt. And I like that when someone says something funny, we both look at each other to make sure that the other one is laughing, and sometimes when you're not there I look for you anyway, just in case you magically appear.

So... live.

Good morning again my sunshines (it is at least getting earlier in the morning, right?)

And welcome to another day of sadness, misery, and realising that your life is simply repeating itself in circles (at least it started cheerful).
Today (yesterday) was sort of my last day of holidays since I'm working sat + sun, but that's ok, because I have thoroughly enjoyed it (you know, to an extent.) I mean, I'm getting tired of the Australian national anthem from the amount of gold medals we've won, which is just awesome.

I bought Tim Minchin's DVD "So Live" today, and it's the best 2 hours I've ever spent. In fact, it seemed a lot shorter than 2 hours, but that was probably from the sheer awesomeness (tony the fish =D).

I should blog earlier (later?) so that I actually have stuff to say :L (or so that I can sleepat a resonable time, particularly when I have to wake up at 8 for work).
And speaking of work, and life going around in circles...

I'm so silly sometimes. I mean, either that, or I'm strangely retarded. Or maybe, I am actually "mature" (and somehow that seems like the least likely of all the options).
When I think about it, I'm still just a kid. There's so much that I have left to learn. And though I got quite a few life lessons fairly on in life, I think I have to relearn some of them, because I was too young to understand. I guess, I've always been a bit ahead of the norm, but this is just so stupid. I'm so stupid. Why am I always so stupid? (Maybe it's not me, mabe it's everyone else?)

Have a good night/morning! I'll blog again eventually (it could be weeks, now that holidays are over[at least a bit]).

Life goes on

Another late night/early morning blog for me.
Which is weird because I spent most of my day playing solitaire (only because it doesn't use downloads).
Oh yeah, and organising my iTunes, because most of my songs have the artist and title in the wrong places because they're dodgy limewire downloads. And since I'm getting an ipod soon (what's this? you're finally going to be normal??), I sort of want them to be right. And I have heaps of songs twice because they're in 2 different folders, so I've been deleting all of the doubles.

So I hope you were all ok today (yesterday?), and that you all asked other people in your life if they were ok. Sometimes, all you really need is for someone to care enough to ask, be that someone =)

I've also spent a lot of time watching the commonwealth games today, which is cool, because we keep winning. :L It also means I'm spending a lot of time with my family, which is good because they exist in real life, not just on the Internet (unlike all of you :L)

And I've decided that I'm not healthy enough, so I'm on... not really a diet, but, a change of lifestyle (who am I kidding, this is not a permanent change :L). Which means I've been eating less chocolate later, and even occassionally exercising (ok, so it was only like, twice, but still =D).

I just realised that I'm going to wake up in 8 hours to go shopping for my ipod, except, I'm not really tired (or bothered) enough to go to bed yet.
Oh well.

Have a good night/morning/day/life!

Beautiful world

Ok, so, I originally wasn't going to blog because my Internet downloads are diminising very quickly with all this school holiday spare time. But then, I thought, oh well, I may as well use it all up, right? (No, Ebony, that's a stupid idea).

Anyways, so here I am, and it's actually tomorrow now, which means I missed a day of blogging, oh how terrible. But I don't really care :L Because I have things to say =)

School holidays. It's like a time of intense loneliness, because everyone's doing their own thing, unless you're the kind of person that doesn't have a thing, and you keep jigging work for silly things like grand finals (31 years says it's not silly). And then you sit at home talking to people that are just as lonely and pathetic as you, and that you wish you could cheer up, but some part of you doesn't want them to be happy, and you don't know what to say because you're so fucking lonely yourself.

And you sit in bed at night for hours and you think about his smile. So damn beautiful. And you wonder if, maybe if you hadn't had so many weeks without that smile, maybe you could still believe that humanity was beautiful. Because he makes it beautiful. And you visualise the conversations you can never have because you get that funny feeling in your tummy when he's around, and it's something you haven't felt in so long, which is why you maybe didn't recognise it at first. And now you do recognise it, and you're scared of it, and you want to run away, but without that beautiful smile you just feel this overwhelming sadness. And maybe when you're with him, you feel sad as well, but he makes the world shine a little more.

Oh my gosh, I'm such a stupid little girl. =S

Oh well, in for a penny, in for a pound...

And just thinking about your smile, for hours on end each night, makes the night more beautiful, and my life more beautiful, and gives me reason to smile, and maybe even takes away a little of the sadness. The sadness that I guess was largely caused by you.
I wonder, if you had never entered my life, would I still be here? Or would I be... happy? The word sounds so strange, because I often feel so very sad, but I know there was a time when I was happy. Or at least... content. And I had all my boxes ticked, which I thought was a sign that I was happy, although now I'm starting to doubt it.

But I might be starting to doubt it because I'm mentally blocking the happy I felt, so that the sad doesn't take over so much. Or maybe, that wasn't happy?

I'm so stupid and confused.

Please make my world beautiful again.

Oh, and today is RUOK Day, which is some weird thingy thingo.
So yeah, please leave a comment, and tell me if you are ok. (And it's ok if you're not. We all fall sometimes, but we get up again)

Terrible things

I tend to get sad, as it gets closer to night time. I think, maybe he was right? And at the time I thought it was silly, but, you do feel lonelier at night. And I know I shouldn't be lonely because I have all these wonderful people in my life, that care about me, and are there for me. But, I can't help but feel like I want to be the centre of someone's world.



I think I'm trying to remember the person that I used to be, before... everything. And that of course leads me back to you. It always leads me back to you. Every journey of self discovery has you at the end, and that doesn't even make sense, because I'm looking for me, not you. But I keep finding you.



I miss you. I miss talking to you. I wish it wasn't like this between us. I know we have our ups and downs but I hate when we have problems because of boys. I never want our friendship to be hurt because of them (because let's be honest, boys are silly anyway). I don't know what I've done, and I don't know how to make it right, but I will try.



I keep forgetting that you love her. And then you do something simple, like ask if I know why she's mad at you, and I start crying because you actually do love her. Sometimes, I wish that she would love you too, and then everything would be ok, and maybe you could be happy together. But she doesn't. Maybe she used to, but she doesn't anymore. Maybe she never will.



Today, as I was driving with my Dad, I heard that song, and I sung it really loudly all the way home. It makes me happy that a song can make me feel so close to you. I like feeling close to you. Sometimes, I feel a bit too close to you, and then I feel weird and awkward, but usually you say something vague that makes me realise I barely know you at all. But it's still nice.

Goodnight beautiful people in my life =)

Love/hate relationship with humanity

I think I've broken my body clock.
You see, I keep staying up until like 2 or 3 am, and then I sleep in for forever.
It's the weird combination of school holidays and daylight saving.
And it means that I end up having lunch at like 4 or 5, which is so ridiculous :L.

So, anyways, today has been a largely uneventful day. In fact, I'm having a rather uneventful week. But I did one of the speeches from the yellow book of torture, which is really productive, given my track record this holidays. And I helped Dad take stuff to the tip in the only car we have with a towbar, which also happens to be the only car we have where the driver's door doesn't open. So yeah, it was really funny. And I rewatched the game from yesterday (moments like this only come around every 31 years, you know).

I know I've been blogging a lot lately (I'm sorry you can't handle it Corinne =L), but that's just because I seriously have an infinite amount of spare time, and I miss blogging, I used to really enjoy it. So yeah, here I am, spiling my guts to about 2 people :L. Actually, more people read this than I actually thought, it might even be 5 people =O!

Interesting fact: The most blogs I've posted in one month this year is 15, which is like, the minimum of last year. Which means, basically, that I'm not blogging enough lately which is so very diappointing (especially for you, I'm sure).

Oh, and my sister and I are probably going to go and see Tim Minchin at the Sydney Opera House next March (he has concerts on 24th, 25th and 26th), so if you want to come (and you're not going to university in another state next year), let me know :L.

And JUST IN CASE I haven't linked you to enough videos of his over the past, however long I've loved him, GO AND WATCH Some People Have It Worse Than I (if you don't mind swearing :L) or Prejudice

Lyrics from Some people have it worse than I:

At 11:53 I instigate the day’s ablutions in the hope my constitution can be altered by some action on the bowl
But the total non-existence of colonic animation seems to me the perfect metaphor for the utter constipation of my soul
By 11:59 I have decided that my life would be immediately improved by a carefully written list of short-term goals
But by 12.05 my list consists of 1-dot put some pants on, 2-dot go to the shop, buy some prunes and Panadol

Lyrics from Prejudice:

And you know my kids will always be clothed and fed
'Cause Papa's gonna be bringing home the gingerbread
And they'll be pretty smart because they'll be well-read
And by "read" I mean "read" and the other kind of "red"
It's a homophone!!

Oh yeah, and some bastard stole one of my L plates, and some other bastard backed into my car (when it was parked at Dad's work, totally not my fault) and smashed the blinker (although it still works, it's not orange anymore). So yeah, I hate people. =S

Dragons =)

For the first ime in 31 years, the Dragons have won the premiership =)=)=)=)
And there were people crying everywhere and it was just so awesome
And it makes me hate people a little less, you know
But not like a lot less, just a little bit

And yeah, for all you people who are worrying about me being sad and all that, I AM OKAY, we can all stop freaking out now because I'M FINE. Sure, I'm a little sad sometimes, but that's good, it makes me appreciate happiness a lot more, and puts my life in perspective.

So yeah, that's basically all I wanted to say: the dragons won.
It's a much bigger event than you realise. Really.

Everyone needs a souvenir

Since Paul posted his story on his tumblr about how he nearly hit someone today, I thought I'd post my story about how someone hit me (I'm fine, stop freaking out, I just hate people a little bit more).

So yeah, I was driving in Parramatta, on that really busy road :L That you go on to go to Westfields (or Dad's work, but hopefully you guys don't know where that is =D) and we got to those lights, where you can turn left or straight from the first(left) lane, and straight or right from the second(middle) lane, and right only from the third(right) lane (just read that until it makes sense :L).
So I was in the leftest (a word? I think not) lane, and I was going straight, and my lane was all empty, and the others were packed, because there was a red light to turn right (and both other lanes can turn right). And then this jerk in the middle lane quickly changes into my lane, and I'm like =O=S I wasn't expecting that, and I like, braked, and started going slower. And then ANOTHER jerk (how many idiots can be in one place at a time, I ask you) decides to pull into my lane, except he was completely stopped, and then he just started moving, and dad's like "look out" and I didn't have time to do brake (not that I could have without like, breaking my neck, or someone else's) and then I just heard this massive crash and I hit the side of his car.

So I pulled over, and he pulled over, and Dad took my licence, and got out and went to talk to him, and I wound down my window, but couldnt really see any damage without getting out. And I was sort of freaking out. And then Dad came back, and said that the other guy had a Chinese licence, and he's not sure if it's an international licence or not (seriously? seriously?! SERIOUSLY?!). Oh yeah, and he said it's my fault because I was going too fast, and should have left enough space for him (SEERIIIIOUSLYYY???????)

And then Dad was looking at the headlight with a frown, and then he tried to open my door, and it won't open. So I climbed over the gear stick and got out on Dad's side, and Mum and Nikki got out (oh yeah, I nearly killed my ENTIRE family) and the front of the car is smashed and there are weird things in the headlight bit, and the side is pushed into the door stopping it from opening, and things are sort of hanging there.

So Dad popped the bonet to see what the funky smell was (did I mention the funky smell? there was a funky smell) and in popping it, part of the car fell of except for one tiny bit hanging it was hangin by. and after we realised there was nothing funky going on down there, we pulled off the bit of the front of the car, and gave it to me as a souvenir of my first car crash.

Oh yeah, and no one got hurt (should've been mentioned first maybe?), because the car took all the force of the collision (crumple zones ftw!) Except my sister got jolted around a bit (even though she was furthest away, how odd)


And I refused to drive for the rest of the day because I was scared I was going to hit things.
But I'm 'getting back on the horse' and driving Mum to the airport tomorrow (she's going away for a bit of the weekend).

Anyways, have a good day and drive safely =)
There are some stupid drivers out there that will accidentally hit you if you do silly things =(

Candy Floss

Ok, so, in celebration of Charlie McDonnell's 20th birthday, I have spent the entire day watching his videos, and videos at fiveawesomeguys, and videos of his flatmate Alex. And generally being addicted to youtube in an incredibly unhealthy way. I don't think I've gotten up for anything other than food and personal hygiene in quite a few hours.

Anyways, so yeah, there is a beautiful, incredible song from Alex Day's album Parrot Stories (which you can listen for free here) called Candy Floss. And the lyrics are simply beautiful, so I will be posting them at the bottom of this post.

---

So yes, whilst I have not moved from this position in a long time, I have had a lot of thinking time. Also, last night, laying in bed and stuff, I've found it to be an impossible task to fall asleep. And that's because i can't get my stupid mind to just shut up. I mean, I've had voices in my head in the past, but just these last few days... I dunno, I think they're getting louder.
Unless of course I'm getting a conscience of something stupid like that, and then it would all make so much more sense.

But what have I had to think about?
Well, nothing, really, so, I've just had some random thoughts spiralling around in my head, which is utterly confusing and annoying.

---

I think I imagine you reading that and saying something very Jack Blackesque in the Holiday when he gets off the phone from Maggie in the restaurant. And perhaps you would have that disgusted look on your face, because maybe, that's what you think now when you think of me. Is it? Have I become that person in your life that you never want to speak to again?

---

Have a good holiday sunshines!

We ran through the rain together
You said I looked nice, I said you looked pretty
You held my hand, you pulled me close
And whispered “take me home”

We turned around as fast as we could
And jumped on the very next train
I said “I love you more than life”
You said “I feel the same”

And we talked about nothing forever
You spoke to the walls, they told you a story
The world spun underneath our feet
As we shut our exhausted eyes

We wrote our names in a heart on the sand
And saw the sea wash it away
I said “I want you in my life”
She said “okay”

She was gonna go, but I said “no, I don’t think so”
She looked at me, she smiled at me
And now I’ll tell you what she said:

“Do you like candy floss?”
I said “yeah, it’s alright”
She said “take me to a fun fair and we’ll eat candy floss tonight”

And we spun on the teacups
Round and round and round until we felt dizzy
You asked me to win you a bear
And said it was fine when I failed
(And we all know those things are rigged anyway.)

You and me, spinning through the trees ’till our faces were blue
I’ll always be that little boy sharing candy floss with you
I miss you

World, you suck

I had a dream about you last night.
And all you did was hug.
You just held me until I could feel nothing but you, and all the pain went away because it was replaced by thoughts of you and how you felt in my arms.
Perhaps, it was the strongest dream I've ever had, and the one I most wish would come true. Yet, the one that has the least chance of coming true. Because it's you and me, and this is how it's always going to be.
I miss you.
In a way that makes me feel small and insignificant without you.
How can I be so utterly reliant on one human being for so much of my person?
But the fact is you knew me, and you loved me for me, not for the person you thought I was, and I only ever had to be me when I was with you.
I think you still have the piece of me that you took when you left, and I think I want it back.

I don't even know where this pain came from, that I feel.
I don't even know if you could take it away.
Sometimes, I just wake up, and I feel sad for no good reason.
And maybe you've changed, or maybe in my mind I've turned you into someone that you never were. And maybe, somehow, this person that I remember you to be never existed.
But if you could hug me, I think I would know.

---



Amy showed me this picture today.
It's so very depressing that she sees this and instantly thinks of me.
Because that's who I am now, the person that hates people.
And it's all because of him, I think.

Well, I mean it started with hating him in an I-want-to-hate-you-but-you-won't-let-me-because-you're-so-nice-and-you're-not-meant-to-be-nice-and-it-was-so-much-easier-when-I-could-hate-you-because-now-it's-all-overly-complicated-and-I-feel-like-an-idiot way.
And then I went on to hating me because of how I feel about him.
And now I just hate everyone.
Which is just brilliant

Goodbye world, you suck.

None of these words are about you but some of them might apply

This is maybe the first blog I have ever written where I started with the title.
I usually add the title after I've finished the rest of the blog, and even after I've added the tags. Which is why the titles may not make sense for a lot of the time.

Anyways, getting back to today's title. It's taken from Eddplant's video "You're Not There - ORIGINAL FORM MY NEW EP!" Because at the end, when he's talking about his EP, he says "none of these songs are about you, but some of them might apply", which may be the most awesome collection of words claiming to be a sentence I've ever heard.
Also, check out that song (I don't link you places for no reason), people randomly appear, and join in with his song, on all their instruments, and it's just bloody cool. Two of his friends from the Sons of Admirals (Alex Day from the Internet and Tom "Bluer than blue, or is it Indigo?" Milsom) join him.

Speaking of the Sons of Admirals (as we always should be), I GOT MY SONS OF ADMIRALS TSHIRT ON MONDAY, which is so damn awesome that I may never take it off.
So yeah, the Sons of Admirals are trying to take to take over the world, as documented in Alex and Tom's videos, go and watch these and discover pure awesomeness.

Getting back to the title of my blog... which is words.
Beautiful, incredible, amazing words.
(With pretty picture, because, you know, the world is beautiful) (Yes Paul, despite my high expectations, and constant disappointment, I still believe the world is beautiful)



Enjoy your day!

Wasting away

I am currently undergoing a slight amount of inner turmoil.
And when I say slight, I mean it. It's not like there's anything major happening in my life. I mean, if anything, I have far too much spare time, and am spending my days wasting away on my computer. But that's okay, I haven't wasted my life in a while, and it's a nice break.

My holiday to do list:
* Buy clothes. As in, clothes that fit. =)
* Bake cookies.
* Swap my Sunday shift at work so I don't miss the grand final =S
* Rent some chick flicks to watch with Hunaiza on thurday
* Organise a time to get our group (those of us not in Japan) together
* Play neopets =)
* Blog more often. I miss this thing, haha.
* Buy some more fish =)
* Do the English speeches booklet thing.

Yeah, that's about it. Oh, and of course, vlogstalk charlie and alex. But you know, that's not going on the list because "stalk" makes it look wrong.

So, yeah, whilst I play neopets to get over my innerturmoil, I hope you guys have a brilliant holiday, and I shall blog again soon =)

Stay true

For the people in my life...

Person One
You agreed with me that one should be spelt, rather than written with numbers. But that's sort of irrelevant. Aside from your smile when you said it, which is completely relevant, because it's the smile I'm learning to hate because of the effect is has on me. I will never be enough for you. And it's not even that I will never be good enough, I just won't be enough. You don't want better you want more. You deserve more.



Person Two
I miss you. And I've been missing you for a while now, but I'm too scared to tell you because you'll give me a lecture, and I'll feel... like me. I'll feel like I'm too weak to handle anything on my own so I go running to you instead because you can handle anything. And I don't want to be that weak. So I'm not going to tell you that I miss you.



Person Three
I don't like seeing you or thinking about you too much, because it hurts. "Turned out to hurt way more than I thought it could". I didn't think it would hurt this much, it is really quite unexpected. I feel like doing things you would hate, even though you don't know I'm doing them. I feel like playing bad music really quietly.



Person Four
So when these three people got to me too much, I went to you and went completely insane. So now you talk to me ALL THE TIME. Well, you did, but now it's more me wanting to talk to you too. And when stuff starts hurts I talk to you and you make the hurt go away a bit. Which is weird, but, so nice.



Person Five
You make me feel stronger than I've ever felt before. You give me confidence to be myself because you make me feel like the person I am is a good one. I think you're sad a lot, but you don't tell me why, which upsets me, because I would really do anything to help you. I want you to feel like I feel; invincible =)


Have a good day =)

countdown

TEN HOW’S:
How did you get one of your scars?
chicken pox. i think i scratched it? and i have a stack from falling off my bike haha

How did you celebrate your last birthday?
coming home from year 10 camp :L and having a party 5 moths late (i am clearly not very high on my list of priorities)

How are you feeling at this moment?
sort of sad, but happy at the same time? i think?

How did your night go last night?
well, im too lame to go to informal so i sat at home talking to paul who is too lame to go to the formal :L

How did you do in high school?
BRILLIANTLY. ok, so, we dont need to mention english :L

How did you get the shirt you’re wearing?
uniform shop

How often do you see ur best friend?
evryday (but not in holidays D=)

How much money did you spend last month?
too much

How old do you want to be when you get married?
in my 20s (im leaving it vague :L)

How old will you be at your next birthday?
17


NINE WHAT’S:

Your mothers name?
Coralie

What did you do last weekend?
work, and birthday party thingo

What is the most important part of your life?
being happy

What would you rather be doing?
hugging someone

What did you last cry over?
a cute song <>

What always makes you feel better when you’re upset?
chocolate

What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other?
he has to make me feel better when im upset

What are you worried about?
not being the best i could be? =S

What did you have for breakfast?
i dont eat breakfast =(

EIGHT HAVE YOU’S:

Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?
rofl, of course

Have you ever had your heartbroken?
everyday :) lol, just kidding, hearts dont break, they bend. my heart is learning to be flexible

Have you ever been out of the country?
no

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
everyday :L

Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend?
yeah

Have you ever had sex on the beach?
rofl, no

Have you ever dated someone younger than you?
er, yeah

Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
yes, harry potter books when they came out, rofl

SEVEN WHO’S:

Who was the last person you saw?
my sister

Who was the last person you texted?
oh, cant be bothered to get up, probably dad? or amy?

Who was the last person you hungout with?
yr 11s at school today + robert and paul

Who was the last person to call you?
er, my sister?

Who did you last hug?
my mummy :)

Who is the last person who texted you?
dont make me get up D=
oh fine
...*gets up*...
...
...
*comes back*
it was amy

Who was the last person you said “i love you” to?
mum or nikki

SIX WHERE?S:

Where does your best friend live?
i would put her address, but you might stalk her =D

Where did you last go?
to my room to get my phone, haha, does that count?

Where did you last hang out?
at school <> in the art quad =L

Where do you go to school?
HURLSTONE =DD

Where is your favorite place to be?
in your arms ;) (actually, its true, i like hugging people)

Where did you sleep last night?
at home?

FIVE DO’S/DOES:

Do you like someone right now?
you know, i think the answer to this is yes, but its like complicated. think of it like a dipole-dipole bond (prad's idea, not mine). its not, like, what it was, which is dispersion, but its not quite hydrogen yet. so its like strong but not very strong. (i wish that analogy wasnt so appropriate :L)

Do you think anyone likes you?
no. everyone hates me =)

Do you ever wish you were someone else?
sometimes, but ultimately, im glad im me =D

Do you know the muffin man?
not personally, but yeah, we've met a few times

Does the future scare you?
yeah, i dont wanna be in year 12, let's stay in limbo :L


FOUR WHY’S:

Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)?
because she will put up with me sometimes

Why did you get a myspace?
uhm, i didnt D=
im not cool enough

Why did your parents give you the name you have?
mum saw it on tv when she was pregnant, and it worked well with the middle name they had already picked for me

Why are you doing this survey?
i saw it on amys page, and im lame, and bored

THREE IF’S:

If you could have one super power what would it be?
id be able to make other people happy :L

If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?
yeah, but i know i shouldnt, i just wonder what difference it would make (actually, it wouldnt make any difference, im just trying to convince myself that i can be good enough, but it wouldnt really change anything)

If u were stranded on a deserted island & could bring one thing what would you bring?
a boat

TWO WOULD-YOU-EVER’S:

Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you?
no, the past is the past

Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?
of course!

ONE LAST QUESTION

Are you happy with your life right now?
i guess, yeah i am. i mean, i have my moments where i get so pissed off with myself and the rest of the world that i just start screaming "I HATE PEOPLE!!" but most of the time i am actually glad that i get to be me. im starting to like me. its a slow process, but its happening.

Growing up =S

I've had this weird thing in my life lately called spare time, and I'm not quite used to it. Then again, I don't think I should get used to it before year 12, but whatever. xD

So Ebony, what's been going on in your life?

Well, last Friday I visited Dad at work again, and got to see the people that run Sydney. And I rediscovered how much I would totally love to have his job, which is really annoying. Because, basically, I could have any job in the world and I would completely love it, which makes it hard to pick exactly where I want to go.

On Sunday, my cousin's daughter turned one, and it was the first time I've seen her which is really exciting =) She's scared of me (isn't everyone?), but she's absloutely beautiful.

And yesterday, my awesome sister GRADUATED (finally) from school, which is exciting and terrifying at the same time. So yeah, I went to mass for the first time in a very long time for that, which is weird, because to me, Catholicism seems like some weird sort of cult where people continually say stuff about how brilliant and wonderful God is and that sort of weirds me out.

I've been thinking a lot about religion lately, mainly because I've come to the realisation that society has progressed far enough that it doesn't need to be dependant on religion anymore, and that only those emotionally weak need something to give them a greater purpose. (Sorry if I just completely offended anyone there, now that I think about it, it is quite offensive) I just, realise that "I am a tiny insignificant piece of carbon"

Speaking of insignificant carbon, have I mentioned Tim Minchin on this thing before? Because if not, there's something terribly wrong with me. Tim Minchin is a musical and comedic genius, not to mention a general genius. He has crazy hair and doesn't wear shoes, and he's very much in love with his wife, although he tends to bag her out, but then he writes amazing lovesongs like this, and it's just wow. And you tend to wonder how a song can be cute if it starts with "you grew on me like a tumour" but it is just increbile.

So yeah, that's my life lately, thankyou for reading, I hope you have a brilliant day!