Raindrops

Everytime a raindrop falls I cry another tear for what could have been and what never will be because I never let myself take a chance or bend the rules. They tell you to break the rules and then marvel at your stupidty for not listening to those who set the rules, those who are wiser and more knowledgable than you. Was it wrong, after all, to listen to you? Or do I really not know what is best for me, because I am simply an ignorant teenager? What is it that makes us question ourselves and every decision we make? Why do we make excuses for ourselves, and see ourselves with such hating eyes? How can we love ourselves when we spend each day searching for another imperfection? And if we, for just one second stop and see ourselves perfectly we are again ridiculed for being conceited and shallow. We should never feel shame for loving ourselves. We should never feel shame for making mistakes. People are imperfect, and that is ok. Mistakes are what makes us human, irrationality is what makes us beautiful.

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I'm trying to convince myself that you do what you do because you love me and want to protect me, and not because it terrifies you that I may find happiness. I'm trying to convince myself that you do want me to be happy, and that you tear me away from the people that make me happy because you're scared I will be hurt by them. I'm trying to convince myself that you fight with me because you're trying to teach me lessons, and not because you don't like the person I turned out to be or because I disappoint you and don't live up to your expectations.
But I'm finding it so difficult to believe that.

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I like being crazy, and I like that a visit to a university makes my rainy day sunny again. And I like that I dance in the rain on the way home and that people in passing cars give me weird looks. And I like that when I'm home alone I crazy dance around the house. And I like that I buy CDs/books/tshirts from people that I've only seen on youtube because I'm so addicted to me computer. And I like that maths makes me happy, and that I do 4 unit for the maths, and don't care if I come last because I don't need the ATAR boost anyway. And I like that being sad makes me happy, and that I think crying is beautiful. I like that I cry everyday and still end up being happier than anyone else I know. I like that people think I'm the person that always smiles. But some part of me wants to be normal, in whatever that word means. Do other people feel like this late at night?

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He spends everyday hopelessly in love with her, and she says rude things to him and ignores him, and fights with him. He tells her friends that she's upset because he thinks she needs someone to talk to because she doesn't talk to him anymore. How can he go on caring for her day after day? Is this killing him inside? Does he lie in bed at night and cry himself to sleep thinking about the way he is wasting his life on her? Does he think there's still a chance that she may fall for him agai? Or has he finally faced the fact that that will never happen? Why is love so fucking complicated?