Your dreamer

Everyone keeps saying "I bet he's smiling up there" or "I bet he's laughing at us from heaven for getting up so early"... "he doesn't even like the cold, I bet he's annoyed at us." "I'm sure he's glad to be up there with her"

Well you know what?
You aren't anywhere.
You're gone.
That's it. Game over.
You didn't even believe in heaven. There's nowhere for you to go.

So today we tossed those pieces of you from the box you've been in for so long.
Because today is your birthday...
But see, it isn't.
Because it's all over now.
Everything.
Every last piece of you is gone.

And now we move on. We go on with our lives, and what? We pretend like nothing ever happened? We make jokes about you being in heaven?

...I don't think I can.


I miss you...
...I think that's what I'm getting at...
I can't live if living is without you... or something like that.

Wish you were here,

You are here. With me.

Tomorrow, I will be strong, and I will not let it hurt me. I will be there for people, and I will not crack. But if I do, I know you will still forgive me, and that gives me hope.

Avoidance

I might just be blogging to avoid my english essay, and yes that makes me feel guilty, but I don't care about english, and I want to care, because it has to count, but I just can't do it. And I'm not one to give up on things, but I think I'm giving up on this.

And I feel bad for quitting the fight. I feel worse for knowing it's not the first fight I've quit lately. But this is the first one I've admitted to, instead of giving stupid feeble excuses.

So here I am. Being a quitter. Being a quitter, and giving up, and pretending that it's ok. And pretending that how I feel is ok. And pretending that lying to myself is okay. Lying about everything. And I need to talk to you, and tell you how I feel, and why I feel it, but you never seem to want to talk to me, so I'm not going the start the conversation like I always do, I'm going to wait and hope that you want to talk to me too.

And I thought that it went away. I thought that my feelings about you went away, and that you had no bearing on my life anymore, but I still feel exactly the same. And now it's the easy way out, I want that easy way out. I want someone who's felt how I feel to come and tell me that it's ok, and that I'll be fine, and I want that person to be you but I don't want to want that person to be you.

"I wanna break up the madness but it’s all I have.
My life is pretty much screwed up right now.
I’m so miserable and sometimes I think of just stopping it all. Of dying. But then I remind myself that one day it’s all gonna get better and I’ll be happy.
It’s all that I have, my madness, and I’m going to keep it"

I feel a little internally mental at the moment, and I would like to say what I am thinking but people might take what I mean seriously, and that would be bad, because I don't take myself seriously, and my emotions change by the day, and people shouldn't know what I feel today because I won't feel like this tomorrow.
And what I'm saying doesn't make sense.
So I'll leave.
Now,
Goodbye.


Wish you were here.

Ole!

Yeah, it was a beautiful day, hanging out in the city, being a wog, and celebrating our awesome victory.
It was a beautiful day singing in Spanish, and cheering people with vuvuzelas.
It was a beautiful day eating tapas, and drinking sangria, with high spirits.

But why did you have to miss this?

You're probably the biggest fan of soccer that I know knew.
And you're definitely the biggest fan of Spain I've ever met.
And this was our year. The first time we made the finals, and the first time we won the final. You would have been ecstatic.

But you're not.
You're still sitting in a box.
And I wish you could be here to celebrate this with me. With us.
I wish I could see your smile again.
I wish I could see that beautiful pride you have for your homeland.

I miss you.

And I didn't know that I would. But I do. And I want you to come back now. Because it's hard without you. It's hard to be happy. It's hard to celebrate, when all I want to do is cry.

The Horrible

Bones break, organs burst, flesh tears.
We can sew the flesh, repair the damage, ease the pain.
But when life breaks down, when we break down, there's no science.
No hard and fast rules.
We just have to feel our way through.

"What's the point?
The world is a horrible place. Young people die of diseases. It makes absolutely no sense to try to be happy in such a horrible place"
"Yes"
"What?"
"Yes, horrible things do happen.
Happiness, in the face of all that, that's not the goal.
Feeling the horrible, and knowing that you're not going to die from those feelings; that's the point."


I am not going to die from the horrible.

ps: happy birthday lisa =) i hope your day was as special as you ;)

I don't HAVE to like myself, right?

i think we're all a bit insane on the inside.
we all go around and pretend that nothing's wrong until that moment that it all adds up and we fall apart, and there's nothing we can do anymore because we've tried everything, and if we could just explain it, if we could just put into words how we feel, then everythiung would be okay, because we could understand each other and maybe we'd realise we're all pretty much the same. but instead we spend our lives on the edge of a cliff that we can never climb over, and we're too scared to let go of.

and, you know, there are moments, and they seem to make everything ok, and it gives you hope, and that's beautiful and wonderful. and you think things might change, and you feel these revelations, and the music in your mind plays, and the credits roll, and it's all sunshine and lollipops. until you realise that it's a just a moment, and that things are not going to change, your life is not going to fix itself by the end of the episode. and sometimes, the main characters are the ones that die.

and then you become, like, this gigantic burden on everyone you know, telling them all your stupid crap, and crying all over them at the train station, and making them ask a thousand times if you're ok, and you say yes, but you don't really know, do you? and you wish you could just wait a while before you dealt with them, all these people, instead of laying all the crap on them. but, you just can't, because life goes on, and you have to keep up with everything.

so you ask yourself, are you okay?

because i don't think i am anymore.

Are you ReadY?

Maybe it's a fall from grace
I gotta find a new place
A holiday
I'll set off on a new chase
I gotta see a new face
I need to take a holiday



I feel that it's hard enough to say good-bye.
I feel there's the water. Should I sink or dive?
An empty plate, fill up my sentimental morning star.
I steal the art of putting truth in a lie.



Maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
All my resistance will never be distance enough
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up


if nobody is, that would explain some things

I wanna believe
How can i believe
You're making me doubt
I thought i knew you
I don't even know myself
I'm losing faith
I'm losing all faith
You're breaking my heart



And he's not in a state to be readily left in my hands
In my hands, in my hands, in my hands

Hey love, live it up
Cuz I'm getting closer
And I want love, give it up
This poetry and prose and words are not enough
Cuz you're more than melody to me...I think



You didn't have to be so mad
When you ran across the road
The light alone soon told me
You had a heavy load
But I can't see why you didn't stay
Why you didn't come to see if I felt
The same way
And I do



Hands
Let me hold you
Eyes
Let me see your face
Smile again
As the world
Goes tumbling



I didn't see it coming
It took me by surprise
Just when I wasn't looking
I noticed all the lies



Let's take it right from the start
Can't bare us to be apart no more
Don't walk away from me now
Cant lose the love that I found
I'll promise you no more tears, or fears
Just give me a chance to show you



So you lie there holding your breath
And it's strange how soon you forget
That you're like stars
They only show up when it's dark
Cause they don't know their worth

And I think you need
To stop following misery's lead



Stand up please til I'm done losing my mind
And i've thanked you all just one too many times
The more we fall the harder we must climb
Cos' everybody loves a circus show
But I'm the only clown you'll ever know
And now you can applaud my best mistake
I love you was too many words to say



I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.



Swept away by the wonder of it all
So amazed; never saw it coming
Left me dazed
And I don't know where to turn

Here and now
Seems I'm standing on the edge
Looking down
I can clearly see your face
In the crowd
Makes me feel i'm not alone

If I fall
Will you catch me?



Yeah they talk about her
She smiles like shes so tough
She says
"hey can you talk a little louder,
I don't think my heart is broken enough"



Will your lips speak what is true
If you say that this is where you belong
That's all I want, from you
In the garden of my deepest soul



I've tripped again and things are starting to get interesting
Don't give me choices cause I can't decide
My mind is soaked in words
I've come to terms with all my insecurities
And purities no friend of mine

And dreaming doesn't do no good
Cause I don't wanna lie
That I'm okay and I'm alright
I'd rather take it and forget it
Consider this a warning
Cause I'll start another fight
And you'll say its all alright
I'll wait for the day when you find I'm too much for you, baby
So lay your hands over me
And feel what you only see
But don't bother wasting your time if you're trying to change me

Looking for myself out here

Makes me wonder if I could live without love, really
And I think the world could live without pride
I'm not into deep-fried chicken, or any chicken for that matter.
I won't always need a best friend to stick up for me
I could live without the first dance, I guess
Freeze-dried romance sounds far too modern to me
Five hours is a long time to be on the phone, I'm sure three is plenty
I've never been a fan of soy lattes
But I think I miss you?

Hope.

" You're all that I hoped I'd find
In every single way
And everything I could give
Is everything you couldn't take
Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay

Because I know I'm good for something
I just haven't found it yet
But I need it"

---

"Four hundred years ago, a well-known English guy had an opinion about being alone. John Donne. He thought we were never alone. Of course, it was fancier when he said it. "No man is an island entire unto himself." Boil down that island talk, and he just meant that all anyone needs is someone to step in and let us know we're not alone."

I am stepping in.



You are not alone.


...if you don't want to be.

Songs for a rainy day

Ebony's Winter Playlist (for the days you need motivation to get out of bed)

please at least listen to these songs. it will make me happy
and we all want ebony to be happy!

Trouble - never shout never
Hold up a light - take that
Hey Jude - David Choi (originally by the beatles)
Let's pretend - plain white ts
tell me why - taylor swift
come on eileen - dexy's midnight runners
watermark - the weakerthans
light years - wes carr
brave face - delta goodrem
the reason why - the click five
miserable at best - mayday parade
us against the world - christina milian
everything - michael buble
ordinary miracle - sarah mclachlan
vertigo - u2
when i see you smile - warrent
something - escape the fate
only one - yellowcard
18th floor balcony - blue october
cupid's chokehold - gym class heroes

Free falling

“You told me it'd be ok. But you were the one crying.

You told me to let go. But you were the one holding onto my shirt.”

"I love how you come over to me and start laughing and I start laughing too, and nothing's actually funny. But we both want an excuse to talk to each other. And maybe even an excuse to fall in love."



"Every atom of me misses you. Not a day goes by when you aren't etched in the regions of my mind. We're as different as can be. A realist, and an optimist. A goofy boy, and a serious young lady. An athlete of sorts, and a nerd. Someone who likes the Top 40, and someone who cringes at anything mainstream. Someone who is letting go, and someone who is holding on."

But sometimes it feels like we both let go, hoping we'd catch each other.
Now we're just free falling.



You know what I hate? Not telling you. Because I tell you everything. But now you know too much, and just when I was about to tell you I remembered that you know too much. And now I just want some pecan custard pie.

“You always believed what you saw. Until you learned to believe what you felt.

Do what you feel is right and you will always be doing the right thing."

Injuries/feelings/fighting

I currently have 5 band aids in various places on my person, and would have one on my finger, except I think it's too much of a waste for 24 clumsy hours.
The main reason for my bandaidage is blisters on my feet because it is clearly impossible to design shows that are comfortable. Also, my sister made me go shopping with her to buy stockings which is good because I burnt I hole in my work pants from the iron and needed to buy new ones.
I have a bad habit of picking at my fingers when I finish exams early, which is basically every exam I do, and yesterday I picked at my thumb after chem. I think I just get bored? Either way, I'm, a walking disaster area.
It's funny that all these injuries coincided with a week that my life is slightly falling apart (or maybe that's just my mind).

---

I think it is human, natural, and beautiful to be flawed. I think our quirks are what make us unique, different, are what make us who we are. They give us happiness, sadness, confusion; they give us purpose. But, there are a great number of times in my day when I wish I was not so flawed. Times I wish I could just shut up and stop talking, because everything I say annoys someone. Times I wish I could look away, turn around and walk away from what I feel; make a choice, and follow through. Times I wish I could mention a friend's name without people giving me sideways glances, I wish I could look forward to an assessment task (don't judge), without people finding alterior motives, I wish I could make eye contact with people, without others getting offended, I wish I could shake a tree without sarcastic comments.

But I made this choice. I made this choice by deciding to not keep secrets. By telling everyone everything they ask to know, and not lying, I've made a choice to put up with the glances, the comments, and the overanalysing.

I don't regret my choices, and I don't back down when people question why I'm so open.
This is who I want to be. The girl that tells everyone everything, and shakes trees, and grazes her knees fighting for chocolate. I'm the girl who fights for what I want. Whether it means scratching myself on the ground, or giving in to the teasing from my friends, and the overawaredness of other peoples' presence, I'm willing to fight. I'm willing to fight for what I think is right, for what I think is true, and I'm willing to fight to get you out of my head and my life.

I don't like this feeling, and I don't want it.

And now, I'm ready to fight.

...I think.

funny how life is

People

Banana Boy,
You know those people who walk around all dreary, and then they smile, and their face lights up? It's like, you can see a little part of their soul in that smile. You're one of those people.
But you smile everytime you catch my eye, because we've always just joked around together, usually about bananas and watermelon. Part of me wants to talk to you just to see that part of your soul, to see you smile when you see me, to be appreciated.
But, you know, I don't even remember your name, that's why I call you banana boy, and I only see you every few weeks. So it's not like we're ever gonna be best buddies.
I just like spending time with you is all. And I like teasing you. Mainly about bananas.
So, come and talk to me, I have plenty to say, and not just about imperial mandarins.

---

Genius,
Geez, don't you have a way of making me feel terrible. My achievements pale in comparison to yours, I'm nothing. You have your whole life sorted out, how can you be so intelligent? It's scary and intimidating. Yet, you have this amazing calm around you. Like people around you can be whoever they want, and you'll be okay with it. Is that because whoever they are, they will never be what you are? They will never be enough? Maybe, you have nothing to fear; you will always be the best. But I don't like being second best, so I'm gonna keep working on me. Starting now.

In darkness

Confession #12: I don't remember the last time I felt this small

"It's only in darkness that you see the stars"

"You're the stars in my eyes." - October

It's quite funny that people tell me they haven't seen me this sad in a while. I believe it may have been a while since I've felt like this also.
It's quite funny when people tell me that my sadness makes them sad. Unless everyone in the world (including yourself) has seen you differently after knowing what you know about yourself, you don't even know what real sadness is.
And the words "sad" and "terrible person" and even "attractive" have, rather than ceased meaning anything, come to mean so much more than ever before.

And as I stood there and waited for the door to open, I knew who I wanted, more than anyone else to walk out and see if I was okay. The person I want to care. And in that moment, I think I found myself again. Because sometimes I lose track of the person I am. And sometimes when I stand too close to you I start to doubt who that person is, sometimes when I see you too much my mind gets a little fuzzy, and it's difficult to concentrate.
But I've found what I want to concentrate on.
And it's not you.
And it never will be.
And I still hate you =)


ps: i know i begin too many sentences with "and" and "but", but you can get over that.

Capable

Confession #12: Sometimes, I think they're all right. The best option might be to lie.

"Where are you? You’ve seemed a little distant lately. Like you’ve got something to hide. You can tell me. I won’t be mad."

"I can't see the big picture." - coulda.been.a.comet

I feel like as the days go on, I become a worse and worse person.
I know I'm wrong, you know I'm wrong. Everybody in the world knows it.
So many people deny that I'm terrible, but it seems, the more they hear, the more they agree. It's just the way it goes.
I don't want to be this person, and I don't want to feel like this.
But I don't think I even have a choice.

---

The fact that I have depressed you is depressing me.
Why are we involving my stupid emotions anyway?
It's only making us both upset.

---

I've apologised so many times. For once, I wish you could just accept it. You get so mad at me, making you mad at yourself. Can't we move on and pretend nothing ever happened? Will things ever get back to the way they were before? Or do I not deserve a second chance?

Whelmed

"i just wish i could start a relationship about twelve years in, when you really don’t have to try anymore, and you can just sit around together and just goof on tv shows and then go to bed without anybody trying any funny business."

This is my four hundredth post.

Which is quite an achievement. Considering I rarely blog now a days.

But I've been through lulls before.

I think I'm just overwhelmed.

Here's a series of Things You Don't Know About Me that you don't care about but might read anyway.

I've always been the lover, never the loved. Now that I'm the loved, I'm scared I'm going to break you in the same way that they broke me. And I'm very sorry if I do.

---

My Dad has never watched state of origin by himself, he's always watched it with my grandfather. Now that he's gone, I want to be there for him. That's why I'm mega pissed that we'll be on camp for origin 1. I don't care if we get a tv, or get to watch it. I don't want him to be alone.

---

It makes my day when you walk past, catch my eye, and poke your tongue out at me. You always seem happy to see me, even though you barely know me. I feel special.

---

I wear the necklace you gave me to work everyday. I feel like it's the only thing keeping me close to you. And I don't want to let go.

---

Mum told me that she thinks I could have done better for all of my half yearly results. All of them. I wish I could stop being a disappointment.

---

Watching the last ever episode of Gilmore Girls changed my life, because I will never be able to hear those words spoken to me. Never, because you are gone. And I didn't realise what that meant, until Emily said that to Rory.

---

I feel like I'm letting down everyone important in my life at the moment, simply by being me. I want to change, but it all feels so huge and overwhelming and it feels like there's nothing I can do but watch my life go by, along with everyone I ever cared about.

---

Lately, the only person I've been able to relate to is B'Ellana Torres.

Officially addicted to you

My sister just said "What the hell? So many grammar mistakes! 1980s doesn't have an apostrophe *curls up in foetal position*"
Then I asked her how to spell "curls" and "foetal"
But yeah, I've converted her to the dark side that be grammar nazis. Oh the joys we shall have.

So yeah, welcome to my first blog in too long.
In this too long period, Ebony has had her one year anniversary.
Oh how tres exciting.

And, also, I am officially addicted to letters to crushes (thank you very much Rosa!)
so yeah, since I don;t have any intelligent thoughts (ever), here are some awesome letters to crushes.

---

I wish you would just say you like me and get it over with. I'm not the type to tell you how I feel first. Don't you realize I'm waiting for you to make the move? Come on, I mean, you say you can read my thoughts through my eyes, so how could you miss this? Sometimes, when we look at eachother, I think you might be thinking what I am. Then again, what do I know? I'm just another girl... Why would you choose me? We're best friends and I don't wanna ruin that relationship.. but MAN! I like you. A lot.

---

& here's a toast, to attempting to get back what we never had.
To pretending you feel the same.

---

when your hair is wet, you look like a shaggy dog.

it is then that i find you most beautiful.

---

Boy,

Damn you look fine. I just want to reach over at lunch and touch your knee, that subtly patched fraying of your jeans.

I want to whisper you-and-me things in your ear

I want to interlock our fingers and gently sqeeze "I love you" in morse code into your palm.

Girl

---

You asked me the other day if we would still be friends if you were to marry.

The mere thought of it brought me to tears. Another girl, walking down the aisle, as you look on with the devotion and love I used to think I deserved. Heartbreak worse than when I told you I loved you, and you responded with embarrassed silence. If there is one thing in this world that could destroy me, it would be sticking around long enough to see you marry another woman.

You asked me the other day if we would still be friends if you were to marry. And I said yes.

---

I'm realizing there's nothing about you I can't accept.

---

Go fall in love guys.
Live long, and prosper.

Ask me to dance

Put your brave face on
The one you wore when you stole my heart
Won't you hold my hand
We'll jump together into anything that could
Possibly happen

'cause we're still so young
Ask me to dance in this hotel room
Then let's get out of here
And hit the airport with nothing but a carry
on between us

You take my over analyse away
It's you and me against the world today

Feels like i'm running
With my high heels on
And they're chasing us waiting
For it to all go wrong
You're my umbrella against their
Sticks and stones
As long as we keep smiling
They'll never know
Put your brave face on
Put your brave face on

It's clear blue skies
Flying 30,000 feet above
No one can touch us
'cause we're so in love
Look into my eyes
Meet me there don't look down

Feels like i'm running
With my high heels on
And they're chasing us waiting
For it to all go wrong
You're my umbrella against their
Sticks and stones
As long as we keep smiling
They'll never know
Put your brave face on
Put your brave face on

You take my over anaylse away
It's you and me
Against the world today

Feels like i'm running
With my high heels on
And they're chasing us waiting
For it to all go wrong
You're my umbrella against their
Sticks and stones
As long as we keep smiling
They'll never know
Put your brave face on
Put your brave face on

"We've recieved unconfirmed reports that you are beginning to ask questions. Please accept the world as it is and allow it to continue to work the way it works. Fit in.

Thank you."

In other words, it doesn't matter if you're failing English.
Or that you cry at inconvenient times during the day.
And it doesn't matter if you ate lunch alone.
Or that you've fought with everyone important to you in the last 24 hours (including yourself.)

This is the way the world works.

You just have to stop asking questions and fit in.







Resistance is futile.

Bright and sunshiney

Confession #28: I wish life would slow down. Everything is happening so fast and I don't know how I feel about any of it.

"Most people think of black holes as things that transport you through time and space, most people forget to mention the fact that they will most likely rip you apart"

"Ready for the day to end" - edyka



Welcome to the black hole that is life.

It is a black hole because stupid people do stupid things to mess with you like the stupid vet telling you your dog might have stupid cancer.
Or stupid people you talk to online that tell you their entire life story, and don't bother asking how you are because they don't care.
Or stupid people that rearrange your entire stupid bedroom whilst you are at work because they don't like it being messy and are throwing out half your stupid stuff.
Or stupid people that wake you up by stupid texting you goodnight, and you can't even get pissed off at them because it's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for you.

And then you go to work, and there's the genius, who hears about your dog, and enlightens you by saying "cancer is smarter than people. there will never be a cure for cancer because it evolves quicker than humans can cure it. people that give money to cancer are stupid"

And that makes you feel all bright and sunshiney, doesn't it?

Formspring

Here is my formspring.
I like this idea because I am very anti secret.
Go and anonymously ask me some stuff you've been dying to know.

Or, you know, not.

But I'd like it if you did.

Falling to pieces

The previous owner of this vehicle is sitting in pieces in a box.


...thanks for the car.

Another day

Oh no- here comes that sun again.
That means another day without you my friend...

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away.

With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.

Denial: Not just a river in egypt

Let's pretend everythings fine
Put on our fake smiles and keep wasting our time
Let's pretend we're fine
Go out in style and come home in denial
Let's pretend we're fine

If you really gotta know I'm not doin so good
Hurt me way more than I thought it could

Cause I
Just can't handle losing you again

April 15 9:26pm

Join the club, We all fall sometimes but we get up.

Say cheese

Sometimes it's hard to pretend like nothing has changed.
Sometimes I imagine you next me though, and nothing has changed.
I see your smile, the strong one, not that weak one that grew.

But your smile's gone now.
Maybe I never even saw it.
Has it always been too late?

Tomatoes

It's completely insane and unnatural of me to cry when I see tomatoes.
But I wouldn't have it any other way.

April 16 6:23am

"Heartbreaker,

Yesterday, I told someone about the pain, and the sadness, and the anger that you wrapped up and gave to me. It felt like a weight had been lifted from me. Fifty more weights, and I think I can fly.

-Rejected"

Maybe

Maybe I didn't lose you.
Maybe you were already gone.
Maybe you were gone three and a half years ago.
Maybe you left with your smile.
And all that's gone now is your frown.

Maybe, it's ok?

The Meaning of Life

Riding with despair prohibited

Confession #9: I am angry, sad, and terrified. Why can't you give me what you promised?

“You left. I stayed. We both cried.

Time.”

"life sucks. so we eat cookies" – justkharp

I think I've just lost it.
And seriously, my family holiday on Sunday, NO ONE wants to go. We all feel so terribubble about leaving. And so WE SHOULD.

Ugh, my mind is overloaded with all this crap, and the only way to get it all out is to cry.

Which I did.
At the dentist.
And after that...
Walking home from coles.

Because, if you're gonna make a complete fool of yourself, you may as well give everyone a good view, right?

I think I might just go and find some custard and whipped cream and eat all my emotions until I stop feeling like this.

But honestly, I just can't do it anymore.

PS: I'm sorry fat fish, for thinking you were pregnant, when you were sick. I'm sorry I was so excited.

Catch upp

So, yeah, long time no talky.
What has happened with you Ebony?

Well...

*I did my english assessment and only got 35 minutes for it... because, well, teachers are stupid, and Ms Schultz says I can appeal and blah blah but who can be bothered?
*My enter key is broken, it gets stuck heaps, and I just backspaced stacks of lines
*My whole class pretty much feels crappy about physics considering even the top score in our class for the research task was pretty crap, and the rest are worse.
*I realised I have 4 classes with Richard. Yes, it took me 10 weeks to figure it out.
*I am pretty much screwed for English. Just in general. And should be doing that instead of this. But, ehh.
*Mr Peck likes Tim Minchin. =SS Why must he make me like him? He is not a good person =(
*Ms Schultz makes me feel cared about =) She was all nice and everything to me today when I was sorta freaking out
*English just generally makes me want to cry
*Me and my train people totally gossiped about every teacher in our school today =DD
*My puppy dog had an operation yesterday, and has stitches and stuff, but he'll be okayy.
*Our whole grade pretty much hates their half yearly timetables.
*I just feel tired. I think this long weekend will be very good for me. I look forward to sleep and chocolate. And the easter show with my people =)
*Today is April Fools and everyone was too stressy to notice =L
*Me and Amy stalked Mr Robson for his email =DD Plus I have all my teachers except Dillon's
*Pitt told us about this cool science thingo that I don't think I can go to because I'm going to Tasmania.
*The dragons play tomorrow and this game may determine my happiness for the week :L:L Seriously! We're top of the table!! =D
*I've been listening to a lot of music lately, it makes me happy.
*I keep feeling like studying. Like at the station today, I totally cracked and opened a book :L

Live long and prosper

Rant #3

Today, Mum said to me "You never spend time with your family anymore. You only do homework and get sick"

Seriously?
Seriously?
That's HER problem?
That I don't have any spare time between doing homework and getting sick?
SHE has a problem with that????
She doesn't think that MAYBE, JUST MAYBE I might also find that a little difficult to live with?
That maybe a life of illness and homework doesn't completely piss me off?

Ok, now that I've ranted I need to go and take some medicine and then finish my maths homework. Hopefully, before the Dragons game. Which I hopefully manage to stay awake for even though i start work at 8:30 tomorrow morning. =S

----


PS: I'm sorry =(
I didn't mean... yeah.
I love you.

dfgdfighnsdjkfkjdrnf

I opened a word document to write my practise English creative writing question.
That was half an hour ago.
I still haven't written anything.

I don't get what I'm supposed to do.

I don't think I've ever understood what I'm supposed to do for English.
How are we meant to relate it to authority and leadership?

I don't get it.

---

Yeah, I think that's all I really wanted to say.

I feel much better now.

Well, actually I don't.
But I can pretend.

More beautiful than ever before.

Confession #58: I think chicks in underwear are really sexy. Really, really sexy. I think guys in underwear are sexy too, I’m not totally lesbian. But like, the Bonds ads, wow, they are sexy chicks.

"I think that sometimes we love people so much that we become numb to it.

because if we actually felt how much we really loved them, it would kill us."

"Want to shout "I LOVE YOU"." - music_girl

I haven't blogged in a while, I don't really have time. Even this is only an excuse to not do my english essay. Or write my creative writing piece. Or write study notes. Or get ready for work.

Life has been steadily good. I really love school. I don't like how much time I have to dedicate to it (although when I look at last year, it's not so bad by comparison). Sometimes I wish other people could love school as easily, it makes everything so simple.

I think I've found a good rhythm. A balance of everything in my life. I know it's still not perfect, because it still hurts people, but this year I'm supposed to be doing things for me, not anyone else.

I'm going to go and actually do that essay now, so, I'll blog later (later being an unspecified amount of days).

Live long, and prosper.

Get to know me.

I've had this for ages, since Amy did it. But I waited till Rosa and Candy did it to be inspired enough to actually post it.

I am a morning person.
I am a perfectionist.
I am an only child.
I am Catholic.
I am currently in my PJs.
I am currently pregnant.
I am currently suffering from a broken heart.
I am left handed.
I am married.
I am addicted to MySpace.
I’m shy around the opposite sex.
I bite my nails.
I currently regret something I have done.
When I get mad I curse.
I don’t like anyone.
I enjoy country music.
I enjoy jazz music.
I have a car. (I haven’t paid for it yet, so I guess it doesn’t count? Even though it lives at my house and I drive it everyday :L)
I have a cell phone.
I have a pet.
I have at least one brother or sister.
I have been to another country.
I have been told that I’m smart.
I have been told that I have an unusual sense of humour.
I have had a broken bone.
I have caller ID on my phone.
I have changed a lot over the past year.
I have had surgery.
I have killed another person.
I have had my hair cut within the last week.
I have had the cops called on me.
I have kissed someone I knew I shouldn’t.
I have kissed someone of the same gender.
I have mood swings.
I have rejected someone before.
I have seen the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
I have watched Sex and the City.
I like Shakespeare.
I love to cook.
I love Michael Jackson.
I love sleeping.
I love to shop. (only at coles =D)
I miss someone right now.
I own over 100 CDs.
I own over 100 DVDs.
I own and use a library card.
I practice a religion that is not considered mainstream.
I read books for pleasure in my spare time.
I sleep a lot during the day.
I strongly dislike math.
I think Britney Spears is pretty.
I will try ALMOST anything once.
I work at a job that I enjoy.
I would classify myself as ghetto.
I can name all seven dwarfs from Snow White.
I am currently wearing socks.
I am tired.
I am currently waiting for someone.
I lost contact with someone.
I hate Miley Cyrus.
I think Party In The USA is catchy.
I’d date Harry Potter.
I can name all the past presidents of the United States.
I know who was president before George Bush.
I love pickles.
I need the internet to live.
I prefer vanilla over chocolate.
I watched Star Trek.
I watched all six movies of Star Wars.
I own an Xbox.
I think music is life.

I. Music (BOLD THE ONES YOU LIKE)
Acceptance. Coldplay. Dave Matthews Band. David Bowie. Foo Fighters. Hellogoodbye. The Killers. James Blunt. Teddy Geiger. Linkin Park. Muse. Ok Go. Panic! At The Disco. Peter Bjorn.The Postal Service.Timbaland. Jack Johnson. Norah Jones. Drake.The Fray. The Wreckers. Michael Buble. Beyoncé. Metallica. Massive Attack. Queen. Journey. The Cars. Supertramp. Eurythmics. Sublime. The Red Hot Chili Peppers. Wu-tang Clan. Fergie. Sarah McLachlan. Band of Horses. John Mayer. Jason Mraz. Justin Timberlake. Michael Jackson. Kenny Chesney. Carrie Underwood. Lynyrd Skynyrd. Neil Young. The Beatles. Brad Paisley. Tim McGraw. Taylor Swift. P. Diddy. Jay Z. Lil’ Wayne. Lil’ Jon. Three 6 Mafia. Nelly. Young Joc. T.I. Sean Paul. 50 Cent. Eminem. Eiffel 65. Ace of Base. The Underdog Project. Dream Theater. Santana. Alicia Keys. Incubus. Victor Wooten. Ludacris. Gorillaz. Mayday Parade. Arctic Monkeys. Matchbox 20. Paramore. Say Anything. Taking Back Sunday. Eric Clapton. The Darkness. Weezer. The Eagles. Jimi Hendrix. Maroon 5. Billy Joel.Reel Big Fish. Anberlin. Mae. Family Force 5. AC/DC. Hootie and the Blowfish. Electric Six. Outkast. R.E.M. The White Stripes. Prince. Mika. Crystal Castles. Does It Offend You, Yeah. The Klaxons. Britney Spears. Spice Girls. The Gossip. Lady GaGa. Nirvana. Smashing Pumpkins. Third Eye Blind. Metro Station. Motion City Soundtrack. The Rocket Summer. Tenacious D. Something Corporate. The All-American Rejects. The Moldy Peaches. Cold War Kids. Macy Gray. Mandy Moore. Plain White T’s. Train.Yeah Yeah Yeahs. My Chemical Romance. Fall Out Boy. We the Kings.The Rolling Stones. Angels & Airwaves. The Beastie Boys.The Strokes. Black Eyed Peas. Boys Like Girls. Miley Cyrus. Hannah Montana. Jonas Brothers. Demi Lovato. Selena Gomez. The Cure.Cobra Starship. Death Cab for Cutie. Deftones. Team Sleep. Filter. Goo Goo Dolls. Honor Society.Nevershoutnever! Katy Perry. Kid Cudi. Owl City.

II. Movies (BOLD THE ONES YOU’VE SEEN)
Pride and Prejudice. Glory Road. The Princess Bride. Goonies. Center Stage.Ocean’s Eleven. Seven. Newsies. 300. Robin Hood Men In Tights. Love Actually. Garden State. Donnie Darko. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless. My Best Friend’s Wedding. Anchorman. Drop Dead Gorgeous. Wedding Crashers. Elf. Zoolander. Austin Powers. Clueless. Mean Girls. Hairspray. Moulin Rouge. Fight Club. Rocky. Pulp Fiction. What A Girl Wants. Kill Bill. Thank You For Smoking. Little Miss Sunshine. Requiem for a Dream. The Departed. Dawn of the Dead. Memento. The Lovely Bones. 17 Again. 8 Mile. Office Space. Snakes on a Plane. Boondock Saints. Say Anything. The Silence of the Lambs. Saving Private Ryan. Superbad.The Prestige. Just Friends. The Devil Wears Prada. Under the Tuscan Sun. Titanic. Steel Magnolias. Saw.Ace Ventura. She’s the Man. Because I Said So. Catch and Release. Music and Lyrics. Spanglish. Stick It. Step Up. The Fast and the Furious. Joyride. Halloween. The Italian Job. Crash. Must Love Dogs. The Last Kiss. Chicago.Harry Potter. Rush Hour. Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Clerks. Shooter. The Bourne Identity. Meet the Parents. Dirty Dancing. A Christmas Story. Rudy.National Treasure. Sleepless in Seattle. Miss Congeniality. The Science of Sleep. The Matrix. Everything is Illuminated. Good Will Hunting. Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Empire Records. Phantom of the Opera. Lord of the Rings. Click. Scarface. District 9.

III. TV (BOLD THE ONES YOU’VE WATCHED MORE THAN A COUPLE OF TIMES)
ER. Grey’s Anatomy. Saved by the Bell. Man vs. Wild. Scrubs. South Park. America’s Next Top Model. Gossip Girl. Sex and the City. Friends. Dawson’s Creek. The Big Bang Theory. Seinfeld. The Office. Lost. Miami Ink. Made. Arrested Development. That 70’s Show. Family Guy. The Simpsons. Veronica Mars. Project Runway. Bones. Iron Chef. Alias. Pushing Dasies. Gilmore Girls. The Colbert Report. The Daily Show.Mythbusters. Avatar: The Last Airbender. Will and Grace. 24. House. To Catch A Predator. Whistler. Heroes. Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Unsolved Mysteries. 7th Heaven. Everybody Loves Raymond. Boston Legal. Bleach. What I Like About You. Reba. King of Queens. Survivor. The O.C. American Idol. Days of Our Lives. How I Met Your Mother. CSI. Boy Meets World.Law and Order. Numbers. Reno 911. I Love New York. Step by Step. Little People Big World. What Not To Wear. My Wife and Kids. Moonlight.Supernatural. Ace of Cakes. White Collar. Nip/Tuck. The Biggest Loser.Beauty and the Geek. Battlestar Galactica. Stargate SG1. The Inferno. Scarred. Wild N Out. Real World. Whose Line is it Anyway?. Trinity Blood. Dead Like Me. Dragon Ball Z. Futurama. Firefly. Medium. Star Trek. X-files. Cowboy BeBop. Sailor Moon. My Name is Earl. Six Feet Under. Dancing With The Stars. Degrassi. Greek. Glee. Secret Life of the American Teenager. The Hills. Laguna Beach. Vampire Diaries.

Psychotic.

Confession#56: I love the smell of lynx and shaving cream. I think it’s because for as long as I can remember, my Dad has always smelt of lynx and shaving cream. But I love it when guys spray lynx at school, it makes me feel safe and happy.

"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true."

"I am psychotic, love me regardless?" – warped reality

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

So... life.
Everything is spinning in my head at the moment. I know I should be doing more homework since I'm working tomorrow, but the prospect of thinking is giving me a headache and I think maybe I'm stressing myself out too much again.

"Every generalization is dangerous. Especially this one."

I think maybe that little fairytale of my life came about 2 years too late. Or at least, a year and a half. I think it could have been a fairytale, maybe, if you'd let me see what you showed everyone else. Why wait until today?

"Do not take candy from strangers unless they offer you a ride."

I am a little bit over life and I would greatly appreciate a weekend around about now. As in, a weekend without work, without homework, without assignments, without 8 minute speeches, without studying. Just a weekend. Or just one day, if that's all there is.

"Life, n: A whim of several billion cells to be you for awhile."

I don't know where you are in your life, and I really would like to. I don't think we should be friends because I don't think we'd make good friends. But maybe pen pals, or something. Something where we just update each other on what's going on. Maybe I worry about you?

"If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable."

Maybe the least you could do is tell me what the hell is going on with you.

"Age is a number, not a limitation."
~Brendon Urie.

It would've been nice if you said yes. I miss you, you know. But I think we're getting closer. That makes me happy.

"I doubt, therefore I might be."

What if this is it?
Is that okay? Or would you rather have something to live for?

"Alright, every band tells you to raise your middle finger, for fuck this, fuck that. But we think that's boring. We want you to hold up your ring finger, because there is someone out there in this world that wants to sleep next to you every night."
~Patrick Stump

Every word you say is like a captured melody. You're the character in the book that everyone listens to, you're the one who's always right. You're Dumbledore, Gandalf, House, Gibbs, Yoda. You're the guy we listen to. Because we know.

"if everybody who sees the ships dies
how do u know there is a ship"

I think I'm a difference person to who I was. I'm me now. I was never me before. I was a shadow of the person I could one day become. But I was not a person. I was merely an echo.

You think I'm insane because you can't hear the music. You can't hear the song I sing along to, the song I dance to. But it's there. Just look for it.

Goodbye sunshines.

help meeh

I know you're hanging out for my blog (ok, maybe not), but I am so swamped with crapp right now, it's sort of impossible.

Stupid public speaking, why am I doing it anyway?

Oh, and if you guys want to help me, I will be ever thankful. My topic is "the truth hurts" so if you can give me some examples of situations when the truth hurts, yeah, that'd be good. Just throw some ideas at me.
ppplllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.

ill blog maybe later (only if i finish my speech so HELP ME)

The Lonely Monster.

Confession #52: I didn't want the crap to get to me. Maybe it didn't. Maybe there's still hope.

"The saddest kind of sad is the sad that tries not to be sad. You know, when sad tries to bite its lip and not cry and smile and say, “No, I’m happy for you”. That’s when it's really sad."

"Planning my existence with broken pen." - GreenBean91

((This is a compilation of lots of different blogs from my past. Enjoy.))

Today, I am infinite.

--

Tell me what to do, and I will do it. I will make it right I promise. Your wish is my command. Tell me how to fix everything. Tell me how to deal with it. STOP TELLING ME THAT YOU DON'T LIKE HOW THINGS ARE, AND TELL ME HOW YOU WANT THEM TO BE. Just talk to me. Stop upsetting me, stop making me cry. Stop telling me how upset you are. And tell me what to do about it.

--

Smiling fights the lonely monster.

--

Tell me your story, and I'll tell you mine.
We'll curlourselves up in a blanket
And sip our hot chocolate
And much on our tim tams
And we'll watch the stars
Wrapped in each others arms
Telling our stories.

--

Everyday is filled with daisies, if you look hard enough. Sometimes you have to stop looking at all the dirt, and focus on the flowers growing from them. You need to plant some seeds, too, if you want to see flowers. And sometimes they won't grow and you will have wasted all that time. And then sometimes they grow to be beautiful, and it is worth every second you put in.

--

I'm afraid time is going to pass so fast that I never get a chance to apreciate you and I know that eventually, it will be too late. And there's a looming feeling in me that eventually is coming sooner than I want it to. I know that I've let chances like this slip by me before, and that that should be some incentive not to let it happen again. But I also have a little part of me saying that it's too late, I've already lost you. There's nothing left for it...

--

Dammit. Sometime I feel like a royal idiot.
And I'm not really sure why.
I mean, I can't really think of something particularly stupid I've done lately.
I'm just so sad.
Most of the time it's because big things are so far out of my control and I want to help, or stop things from happening, or just create a smile, but I can't. Because I'm so insignificant.

--

To be brave is to love someone unconditionally,
without expecting anything in return.
To just give.
That takes courage,
because we don't want to fall on our faces
or leave ourselves open to hurt.

--

He tells her everyday that she is beautiful. Everyday. Sometimes she says "so are you", and sometimes she says "maybe I am", but she never really accepts it. It's so hard for her to see. He doesn't think he's beautiful either, and she tells him everyday too. But they make each other want to believe it. And that is something in itself.

--

I haven't seen butterflies in a while...
I remember seeing a lot of butterflies when I was little. Me and Nikki used to chase them around the back yard. Mum didn't like the white ones so we'd chase them. Everything seemed so colourful when I was little. All of my memories seem so colourful. Maybe, my mind has faded like a photograph.

--

I have so much to give you.

So much love, and heart, and soul.

So much caring.

Everything I have in me.

I am not an empty vessel.

I am brimming with passion and smiles and stories and pictures and romance.

I want to break it, everything inside of me,

into a million tiny pieces

and wrap them up

and give you one everyday

until you have all of them.

All of me.

--

I think you are beautiful and I wish you could see what I see when I look at you.

--

I want to be able to be me without being scared of what everyone else has to think.
I'm scared of getting too close to you, and not being me anymore. I want to keep me. I don't want to become the girl whose name is tagged onto yours. I want to be my own person. I need to be me.

--

But today has been one of those medicore days.

When you can pinpoint the times you've had fun, and smiled

But by the time you get home from school, you're crying.

--

I wrote our initials in led pencil at the train station on my way to work.

They may wash off, but they may stay there forever.

And no one but us will ever know they're there.

--

And she said I like sunsets and sci-fi movies. I will love you for you, and won't care about who people think you are.
I'll always be there for you, and I'll randomly hug you and tell you I love you.
All I ask, she said, is that you love me for me.

--

Sometimes all you can do is play a really loud song, and scream the lyrics at the top of your lungs. To grab someone's hand, and dance around the room, singing into your hairbrush. And when they walk away, you cry and cry. Because everything is not going to be okay. But tomorrow, you will wake up, and smile, and pretend. And everything will be a little closer to okay.

--

You see that sky? It shines just like you!

--

You know when it's been raining all day, and the sky has been grey. Everywhere you look are clouds, and dull, dreary, grey skies. And then the sun peeps out a little. And suddenly, everything lights up. The sky turns a pretty blue, the grass look greener. The world just shines a little. And you have this feeling that everything is going to be okay, everything will work out. And everything is beautiful. That's the feeling I get around you, you're my peep of sunshine.

--

And everyone tells me to slow down. But maybe I don't wanna slow down. Maybe I like doing things fast. Maybe, I just need someone to catch up, and run with me. Because walking isn't very fun. Not that running is fun. It's just... maybe I have somewhere to go. So whilst you all walk around aimlessly, I'm ready to run home.

--

And I am a pain in the ass a great amount of the time, and sometimes I can tell I'm being a pain in the ass, and I keep on being one, but you put up with it, and you're there for me, always. I guess "thank you" doesn't really sum it up properly, but I don't know what else I could say.

--

Nothing's ever going to be perfect.

Your mind and your heart will never agree on everything.

You will never be certain if it is the right thing to do.

Do It Anyway!

Because life is too short to question everything.

stress session

maybe i am pushing myself just a little too hard at the moment to get everything perfect, and to be perfect. but i feel like if i can just get things worked out into some sort of routine, the next 2 years will be a lot easier.

i like the stress. stress makes me work. i've never been the kind of person to stay up till 3am on the day an assignment's due. i'm the person to write down everything i have to do. STRESS OUTTT. and then get it done. a few days before it's due. giving me time to look over everything, and stress out over upcoming things.

that's just my system.
i think it's getting a lot of influence from work lately.
if i know im working during the week, ill do stacks of study on the weekend. if i know im woprking the weekend, ill do all my homework throughout the week. i just try to fit it all. most of the time i succeed.

of course, there is the occassional time when nothing seems to fit. or i misplace something important, or leave a book in my locker, or get called into work, and then i have small emotional breakdowns.

but ive now learned to prepare for emotional breakdowns, and give myself allocated time to have them in, should they be necessary.

and life goes on.
...life always goes on.

(since i havent allocated time for this blog, i must leave you now. but ill blog later, perhaps on the weekend. ill fit it into my schedule ;))