Letting people near

I don't have all the answers, and I'm sorry for that. I try to think of ways to make everything work, but something always has to give. I don't even think it's prioritising, it's just realising that not everything is going to happen perfectly, and that sometimes I have to make sacrifices. Why is there never enough time?



I feel like I need to talk to someone, but whoever I talk to is going to think that something is wrong, and that's not true, there's nothing wrong, in fact lots of things have been very right lately. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to feel sad, you know? It doesn't mean I'm never going to lie in bed at night crying my heart out. That's just who I am, I think, I feel things differently to other people. I get sad a lot, and that's ok, because I get happy a lot too.



I can't believe that I will never be trustworthy in the eyes of my mother due to something that happened over three years ago. She still thinks that I lied to her, and that that means that I will lie to her again. I have several issues with this. Mainly the fact that I never lied to her about anything, and that the reason we had an issue in the first place is because I chose to tell her the truth. The problem that resulted from this has made me never want to tell the truth about anything again. A second issue I have with this is that because she never trusts me, I have to lie to her about things. And I am not okay with that. Because I am a very honest person. I will generally tell people everything they want to hear. I don't like secrets; they make things too complicated. But I don't have a choice.



I hate doing things wrong. I despise human ignorance, and when I am ignorant, I hate myself. Unfortunately, being human means that I make mistakes, and that I stuff things up and that I am ignorant. This makes me unnecessarily sad. People don't make me sad, I make me sad. (Ok, occassionally mum makes me sad.)



I get so sad when I hear you're sad. I was just thinking today how happy I was with everything. I know you have your insecurities, I do too, but you're ruining the peacefulness that I felt. I wish you could see what I see. I'm so sorry.