still falling

I guess I got the answer to my question, you have finally faced the fact that she will never love you. And you have moved on. And that terrifies the crap out of me. As much as it hurt me to see you go through each day pining over her, I think it will hurt more to see you with someone else. I'm not ready for you to move on yet. I'm not ready for you to be happy. Perhaps it is rather selfish of me to feel like this, and I am a rather selfish person. I know that you would never let this get in the way of what I mean to you. I know I am one of the most important people in your life. I'm going to be able to believe that, I'm going to let you be happy. I care so much for you, that I will value your happiness above all, after all, isn't this what I what I wanted?

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I'm standing on the edge of something that has the potential to be incredibly beautiful or incredibly ugly and I am holding the balance within my heart. If I just took a chance and trusted myself, I could make this amazing. I could make this life of mine amazing. But I'm scared of taking chances, and I'm even more scared of trusting myself, particularly when it comes to being beautiful.

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I suppose it should be enough for me that I'm being the best me I can be. But it's not. Because I am a continual disappointment to everyone in my life. And sometimes people deny that, but I can tell that they agree, and that they only deny it out of obligation. I wish I was good enough for someone else in my life, maybe then I'd be good enough for myself.

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I probably didn't mention this, but a few days ago, I was amazinlgy extremely happy. I didn't mention it because I didn't want to jinx it, and because I knew it wouldn't last because that's how life works. It doesn't last, the happy doesn't last. The sadness sometimes feels like it lasts forever, but I guess it might not either. The point is that the happy didn't last, and it's stupid to think that it ever could because it doesn't and life is a bitch. And now I am, perhaps sadder than I was happy, and tears come so easily lately. I wish I could just sit with you and have you hug me again and tell me that the world is beautiful, because sometimes it is so hard for me to see.

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I'm going to do english now, it really needs to be done before I leave for work.

=)