...And now it's too late

The people that run Ebony's mind went insane and this is what happened as a result:

Thoughts of you come rushing back to me, as they always do I suppose. This is where you ride in on your white horse and tell me that everything is going to be okay; you're the only person I ever believe. With you, I could never be sad. And yet, I could never be with you. So, sad it must be, for ever more.



Could it be that maybe it's our first mistake
And Baby that's alright
It's crazy how we lost ourselves tonight
There's a reason why they say that we should give it time
But time is not enough
And that's the reason why
When you're young you fall in love



And yes, I admit it, I am lonely. I don't miss you. I just miss having someone. It feels like there's no one there to care about me now, no one who is completely focused on me. I'm trying to fill that gap, and I know it's silly, but I'm drowning people in myself just to get some sort of reaction, some sort of approval.



I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you



It's like nothing really bothers me anymore. Like, I get annoyed at stuff, sure, but nothing is really a big deal anymore. Which is sort of irritating. I'm trying so hard to feel something, but somehow, there's nothing there.



Oh well I look at you and say it's the happiest I have ever been
and I'll say I feel I no longer have to be James Dean,
and She'll say,
Oh yeah, Well I feel pretty happy too,
And I'm always pretty happy when I'm just kicking back with you.



So here I am, trying to keep busy with my life, but I don't really have much to do. Which is ridiculous because all year I've been complaining about not having any time. But, seriously, what do I have to do? Homework? Because none of it really matters. Study? But what's the point? (78 people, 78). Work? But I don't even like it, not like I used to. Spend time with family? But when do they even have time for me?



I’ve been down here
Down these roads
People pass through
Some stay some go
Standing here broke
Not a penny to my name
But she says she loves me all the same
I try my best
And you do to
And all you want is something you can move to
Everybody’s gotta get their kicks somewhere
Everybody gotta fit in somewhere



It's quite an invigorating feeling, not having to do anything. I feel as if my possibilities are suddenly endless. I might learn an instrument, or make a friend, or become a better me. Or... get a scholarship? Rofl, I feel like being something greater than what I am (can't be too hard right?)



Just the other day
Somebody said to me
Hey maybe you're just slightly schizophrenic
And a little out of reach my friend
I said 'yes, that's partly true'



that person you were talking about, the person who makes everything gloom and doom, that person might just be me. i'm the catalyst in making your life hell. "i feel like one of those people that's so sad, i can't even be with the happy people anymore, as if i might infect them". -greysanatomy



Wish I could tell you there's a twist
Some kind of hero in disguise
And we're together, it's for real
Wish I could tell you there's a kiss
Like, something more than in my mind
I see it could be amazing



I want so much to impress you. I think the only reason I study so much is because when I do well, you wink at me and say "I'm proud of you", and then you smile the smile that you keep for you inside jokes with me.



Yeah, everybody loves a circus show
But i'm the only clown you'll ever know
And now you can applaud my best mistake
I love you was too many words to say



you didnt think there was anything wrong, or that his death would affect me at all, but you know what? it did. it did actually hurt. and i hate that you cant see that, and that you cant see who i am.



And I always end up regretting not waiting...

I'm still alive

Right, so, long time no post, and a lot has happened in that time.
I guess the big thing is that Victor and I broke up. Which is why my blog has been renamed "Ebony is cool". I am okay. I do not need a hug or chocolate (although both will be accepted if offered)
I've also had a physics, legal, modern, chem and english task. (Thankyou maths :L) And I did pretty well in all of them. =) The worst was probably modern which is good because I want to drop it :L, and the best is chem, which is sort of ironic.
I've worked a lot which is oh so inconvenient most of the time, but it gives me money. Which I just throw away by ACCIDENTALLY THROWING OUT MY ITUNES VOUCHER =(
I've been to Scientists' Stories at UNSW, and fallen in love. With UNSW of course. They gave me a free pen. Plus, it's damn pretty!

Speaking of UNSW, I've been to USYD and UWS this last weekend, both of which suck (maybe only because my heart belongs to unsw). UWS was more of a carnival than a uni open day. It had face painting and a petting zoo.
Talent Quest and Variety Night were last Friday. TQ was awesome, our grade is so cool it's unbelievable. And after school I went to Mac Square to get free ice cream for Katy Perry day =). Variety Night was also unbelievably cool, the atmosphere was awesome, and afterwards Amy slept over for us to talk about boys.
The dragons have been kicking ass =). Well, except that one time =L. But yeah, we're guaranteed the minor premiership, which is very cool.
YEARLYS START NEXT WEEK. Well actually, the week after next because there's none on the Friday in the draft timetable. And yeah, I'm excited, because I'm a freak and I get excited about stuff like exams.
And prefect elections were, wait, no, they haven't happened yet because our school is disorganised and can't stick to their own calendar. =L
And my ex-neighbour, Shaarn, who moved to port macquarie, moved back into my street on the weekend =) To convince herself to go to uni next year =L

And that's Ebony's life lately =)
Smile, the world is beautiful!

Self discovery

I haven't really been around lately. I'm spending some time trying to figure out who I am and what I want. It's quite an interesting experience for me. Oh, and also, I'm sick. Which is really inconvenient at the moment, considering all the assessment tasks tomorrow =S. But yeah, I'm sorta studying around it. And like, I've finished most of everything before this weekend (it's called being organised :L)

So yeah, on my journey to finding myself, and I stumble upon the words of my friends over at smithteens and postsecret.
And somehow, things are starting to be okay. =)



"It's not complicated. I'm just lonely." - J600y3

"Sometimes I lose both my minds." - DancesWithDisaster

"Danced alone in the rain today." - LendMeYourHeart?

"Save an egg. Crack a smile." - nancyhae



"I looked up.
Saw a spider.
And screamed.
Where did my manlyness go?
...More importantly.
Where did the fucking spider go!?" - LasVegas

"I regret my childhood. Oh well." - staring_longingly

"Gravity: Thanks for holding me down." - DanielleBlews

"Is this nothingness I feel depression?" - XxmoonbeamxX



"We are the people our parents warned us about.

- Jimmy Buffett" - J600y3

"Do you think he'll notice today?" - liesonthebackofmyhand

"Number three on school's weird list." - poetic justiss

"I'm always too willing to forgive, to fall right back into what used to be." - harrypotterstarz



"Remembering you is ruining loving him." - pb&j

"Momentary happiness in Hell. How ironic." - SilverFireRing

"Why cry when everything is perfect?" - Music's Note

"She Counts Calories. I Count Stars." - cookies.make.me.happy


"Accidentally said I loved him. Shit" - BehindMyBlueEyes

"Grandma's in the fucking hospital again." - erikamargery

"Like an untenderized steak... life's tough." - sparxsollaria

"Relatively happy. Probably related to avoidance." - Lucy Golightly

No letters. Just bills.

You may not know it, but your distance and ignorance are slowly breaking my heart.
When i say “i’m fine”, tell me to shut the fuck up and stop lying. - IWroteThisForYou

---

Sometimes I wonder where all my time goes. Because, seriously, I don't work all that often, just like, 8 hoursish a week. So then, where is all the time? And then I realise that I come home and do homework/study for about 4 hours every night. =S

---

And I hate the fact that my heart doesn’t grow
And I hate the smell of cigarette smoke
And I hate old movies unless they make me cry
And I hate the jerk that you’ve turned out to be
And I hate the sand that holds back the seas
And I hate the fact that you don’t love me for me

---

And I used to have this thing that I wouldn't do schoolwork on Friday, cause I has the weekend. But now I reserve the weekend for work/family time. And my family does a lot of random socialising. So now I work really hard all week. And bludge all weekend. And feel guilty for bludging and eat chocolate. And then eat guilty for eating chocolate and eat a salad. And now my mum doesn't know why I keep buying salad, and I'm never hungry by dinner time.

---

“And I've always hated the way you would come into my life and arrange things in my heart room.

Then you left by the same door you came in as though nothing happened.

But nothing's the same anymore. I can't find my keys, my piece of mind, my reasons to live. You were here and you destroyed the peace that was me.

You looked on. You just look.” – howimissedyou

---

And I had a solution to the problem because I would just chew gum and I would get the flavours without the guilt because I wasn't eating. And then she came and said that chewing gum is bad because you stomach creates all these acids to digest the food and then you end up with extra acids, and my stomach is already too acidy from drinking too much juice and having screwed up genes, so all I can do is eat chocolate.

---

"Scars are good, I think, because they don't hurt anymore but they don't let you forget. They don't melt away into nothingness, they are merit badges, they are battle wounds that show you how far you've come." - CleverGirlGoesBlog

---

And I'm supposed to be studying physics as I write this, but physics is my least favourite subject to study because it's so hard. Which is weird, because I find the subject easy, just the study hard. So if you ask me to study legal, or chem I'll do it easily, but physics makes me want to bludge.

---

“We can answer any question we have, like how do actors make themselves cry, so we never sit in wonder and wonder at the wonder of the world, anymore.

And anything we watch can be paused, so we never argue about what just happened while we were talking, anymore.

We cannot hope that we might have just missed their call, because our phones are always with us and if they didn't call, they didn't call.

No protests in the streets, just a button marked 'like'.

No one reads stories aloud, unless you are a child.

No letters. Just bills.” - IWroteThisForYou (listofchanges)

---

And that's it. I'm gonna stop venting about how undedicated I am, and go and find a uni course for my sister (useful budging, promise) and then consider studying physics.

Live long and prosper,

Bigger dreams

I don't think I have found myself yet.
Perhaps that's obvious?
Is there some sort of point we reach in our lives, when we just know who we are? And we know what we want? Or does it go on like this forever?

I'm just so damn confused.


And at times like these, we turn to TSwizzle

When all you wanted was to be wanted
Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now
Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday
But I realized some bigger dreams of mine

And Abigail gave everything she had to a boy
Who changed his mind and we both cried

'cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen, don't forget to look before you fall
Ive found that time can heal most anything
And you just might find who you're supposed to be
I didn't know who I was supposed to be at fifteen

We're all just a bunch of magnets

Right now, I am so happy with the person that I am.
I enjoy being me.
And that makes me happy.

(So does seeing little birdies walking along the tops of cars. IT JUST MAKES ME HAPPY, OKAY??)

Anyway, so, I meant to post this ages ago, and it was playing at coles today, so I'm like, yeah, I'll blog that song.

This is who I am, to some extent.
I'm the crazy girl who tells you to smile because the world is a beautiful place, that gets excited in English when I say something remotely intelligent (we call them 'English moment's), I'm the girl who tells you to have a happy ending. Who pesters you about your secrets until you have no choice but to tell me, and then I regret hearing them (I know, I know, I should learn. I don't). I'm the girl who has exact trig ratios and a period table blu tacked above my computer, just in case =L. I'm the girl who will always give you a "leagl buddies hug", and who prefers the letter I to Y, G to J, and K to C. I'm the girl who crazy dances to lady gaga when no one can see me, and who singstars to abba when no one can hear me. I'm the girl who believes you're never too old to cry in a corner. I'm the girl who can lie as if it were the truth and never get caught, but I'd rather be honest. I'm the girl who hopes you miss me as you're looking for yourself out there. I'm the girl who thinks she's a magnet. I'm the girl who just wants to be cared about.

And yet, I'm somehow empty...


Now that she’s back in the atmosphere
With drops of jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there’s time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like june, hey, hey

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there

Now that she’s back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there’s time to grow, hey, hey

Now that she’s back in the atmosphere
I’m afraid that she might think of me as plain ol’ jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the milky way
And tell me, did venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you’re wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone
Conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the milky way

Your dreamer

Everyone keeps saying "I bet he's smiling up there" or "I bet he's laughing at us from heaven for getting up so early"... "he doesn't even like the cold, I bet he's annoyed at us." "I'm sure he's glad to be up there with her"

Well you know what?
You aren't anywhere.
You're gone.
That's it. Game over.
You didn't even believe in heaven. There's nowhere for you to go.

So today we tossed those pieces of you from the box you've been in for so long.
Because today is your birthday...
But see, it isn't.
Because it's all over now.
Everything.
Every last piece of you is gone.

And now we move on. We go on with our lives, and what? We pretend like nothing ever happened? We make jokes about you being in heaven?

...I don't think I can.


I miss you...
...I think that's what I'm getting at...
I can't live if living is without you... or something like that.

Wish you were here,

You are here. With me.

Tomorrow, I will be strong, and I will not let it hurt me. I will be there for people, and I will not crack. But if I do, I know you will still forgive me, and that gives me hope.

Avoidance

I might just be blogging to avoid my english essay, and yes that makes me feel guilty, but I don't care about english, and I want to care, because it has to count, but I just can't do it. And I'm not one to give up on things, but I think I'm giving up on this.

And I feel bad for quitting the fight. I feel worse for knowing it's not the first fight I've quit lately. But this is the first one I've admitted to, instead of giving stupid feeble excuses.

So here I am. Being a quitter. Being a quitter, and giving up, and pretending that it's ok. And pretending that how I feel is ok. And pretending that lying to myself is okay. Lying about everything. And I need to talk to you, and tell you how I feel, and why I feel it, but you never seem to want to talk to me, so I'm not going the start the conversation like I always do, I'm going to wait and hope that you want to talk to me too.

And I thought that it went away. I thought that my feelings about you went away, and that you had no bearing on my life anymore, but I still feel exactly the same. And now it's the easy way out, I want that easy way out. I want someone who's felt how I feel to come and tell me that it's ok, and that I'll be fine, and I want that person to be you but I don't want to want that person to be you.

"I wanna break up the madness but it’s all I have.
My life is pretty much screwed up right now.
I’m so miserable and sometimes I think of just stopping it all. Of dying. But then I remind myself that one day it’s all gonna get better and I’ll be happy.
It’s all that I have, my madness, and I’m going to keep it"

I feel a little internally mental at the moment, and I would like to say what I am thinking but people might take what I mean seriously, and that would be bad, because I don't take myself seriously, and my emotions change by the day, and people shouldn't know what I feel today because I won't feel like this tomorrow.
And what I'm saying doesn't make sense.
So I'll leave.
Now,
Goodbye.


Wish you were here.

Ole!

Yeah, it was a beautiful day, hanging out in the city, being a wog, and celebrating our awesome victory.
It was a beautiful day singing in Spanish, and cheering people with vuvuzelas.
It was a beautiful day eating tapas, and drinking sangria, with high spirits.

But why did you have to miss this?

You're probably the biggest fan of soccer that I know knew.
And you're definitely the biggest fan of Spain I've ever met.
And this was our year. The first time we made the finals, and the first time we won the final. You would have been ecstatic.

But you're not.
You're still sitting in a box.
And I wish you could be here to celebrate this with me. With us.
I wish I could see your smile again.
I wish I could see that beautiful pride you have for your homeland.

I miss you.

And I didn't know that I would. But I do. And I want you to come back now. Because it's hard without you. It's hard to be happy. It's hard to celebrate, when all I want to do is cry.

The Horrible

Bones break, organs burst, flesh tears.
We can sew the flesh, repair the damage, ease the pain.
But when life breaks down, when we break down, there's no science.
No hard and fast rules.
We just have to feel our way through.

"What's the point?
The world is a horrible place. Young people die of diseases. It makes absolutely no sense to try to be happy in such a horrible place"
"Yes"
"What?"
"Yes, horrible things do happen.
Happiness, in the face of all that, that's not the goal.
Feeling the horrible, and knowing that you're not going to die from those feelings; that's the point."


I am not going to die from the horrible.

ps: happy birthday lisa =) i hope your day was as special as you ;)

I don't HAVE to like myself, right?

i think we're all a bit insane on the inside.
we all go around and pretend that nothing's wrong until that moment that it all adds up and we fall apart, and there's nothing we can do anymore because we've tried everything, and if we could just explain it, if we could just put into words how we feel, then everythiung would be okay, because we could understand each other and maybe we'd realise we're all pretty much the same. but instead we spend our lives on the edge of a cliff that we can never climb over, and we're too scared to let go of.

and, you know, there are moments, and they seem to make everything ok, and it gives you hope, and that's beautiful and wonderful. and you think things might change, and you feel these revelations, and the music in your mind plays, and the credits roll, and it's all sunshine and lollipops. until you realise that it's a just a moment, and that things are not going to change, your life is not going to fix itself by the end of the episode. and sometimes, the main characters are the ones that die.

and then you become, like, this gigantic burden on everyone you know, telling them all your stupid crap, and crying all over them at the train station, and making them ask a thousand times if you're ok, and you say yes, but you don't really know, do you? and you wish you could just wait a while before you dealt with them, all these people, instead of laying all the crap on them. but, you just can't, because life goes on, and you have to keep up with everything.

so you ask yourself, are you okay?

because i don't think i am anymore.

Are you ReadY?

Maybe it's a fall from grace
I gotta find a new place
A holiday
I'll set off on a new chase
I gotta see a new face
I need to take a holiday



I feel that it's hard enough to say good-bye.
I feel there's the water. Should I sink or dive?
An empty plate, fill up my sentimental morning star.
I steal the art of putting truth in a lie.



Maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
All my resistance will never be distance enough
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up


if nobody is, that would explain some things

I wanna believe
How can i believe
You're making me doubt
I thought i knew you
I don't even know myself
I'm losing faith
I'm losing all faith
You're breaking my heart



And he's not in a state to be readily left in my hands
In my hands, in my hands, in my hands

Hey love, live it up
Cuz I'm getting closer
And I want love, give it up
This poetry and prose and words are not enough
Cuz you're more than melody to me...I think



You didn't have to be so mad
When you ran across the road
The light alone soon told me
You had a heavy load
But I can't see why you didn't stay
Why you didn't come to see if I felt
The same way
And I do



Hands
Let me hold you
Eyes
Let me see your face
Smile again
As the world
Goes tumbling



I didn't see it coming
It took me by surprise
Just when I wasn't looking
I noticed all the lies



Let's take it right from the start
Can't bare us to be apart no more
Don't walk away from me now
Cant lose the love that I found
I'll promise you no more tears, or fears
Just give me a chance to show you



So you lie there holding your breath
And it's strange how soon you forget
That you're like stars
They only show up when it's dark
Cause they don't know their worth

And I think you need
To stop following misery's lead



Stand up please til I'm done losing my mind
And i've thanked you all just one too many times
The more we fall the harder we must climb
Cos' everybody loves a circus show
But I'm the only clown you'll ever know
And now you can applaud my best mistake
I love you was too many words to say



I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.



Swept away by the wonder of it all
So amazed; never saw it coming
Left me dazed
And I don't know where to turn

Here and now
Seems I'm standing on the edge
Looking down
I can clearly see your face
In the crowd
Makes me feel i'm not alone

If I fall
Will you catch me?



Yeah they talk about her
She smiles like shes so tough
She says
"hey can you talk a little louder,
I don't think my heart is broken enough"



Will your lips speak what is true
If you say that this is where you belong
That's all I want, from you
In the garden of my deepest soul



I've tripped again and things are starting to get interesting
Don't give me choices cause I can't decide
My mind is soaked in words
I've come to terms with all my insecurities
And purities no friend of mine

And dreaming doesn't do no good
Cause I don't wanna lie
That I'm okay and I'm alright
I'd rather take it and forget it
Consider this a warning
Cause I'll start another fight
And you'll say its all alright
I'll wait for the day when you find I'm too much for you, baby
So lay your hands over me
And feel what you only see
But don't bother wasting your time if you're trying to change me

Looking for myself out here

Makes me wonder if I could live without love, really
And I think the world could live without pride
I'm not into deep-fried chicken, or any chicken for that matter.
I won't always need a best friend to stick up for me
I could live without the first dance, I guess
Freeze-dried romance sounds far too modern to me
Five hours is a long time to be on the phone, I'm sure three is plenty
I've never been a fan of soy lattes
But I think I miss you?

Hope.

" You're all that I hoped I'd find
In every single way
And everything I could give
Is everything you couldn't take
Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay

Because I know I'm good for something
I just haven't found it yet
But I need it"

---

"Four hundred years ago, a well-known English guy had an opinion about being alone. John Donne. He thought we were never alone. Of course, it was fancier when he said it. "No man is an island entire unto himself." Boil down that island talk, and he just meant that all anyone needs is someone to step in and let us know we're not alone."

I am stepping in.



You are not alone.


...if you don't want to be.

Songs for a rainy day

Ebony's Winter Playlist (for the days you need motivation to get out of bed)

please at least listen to these songs. it will make me happy
and we all want ebony to be happy!

Trouble - never shout never
Hold up a light - take that
Hey Jude - David Choi (originally by the beatles)
Let's pretend - plain white ts
tell me why - taylor swift
come on eileen - dexy's midnight runners
watermark - the weakerthans
light years - wes carr
brave face - delta goodrem
the reason why - the click five
miserable at best - mayday parade
us against the world - christina milian
everything - michael buble
ordinary miracle - sarah mclachlan
vertigo - u2
when i see you smile - warrent
something - escape the fate
only one - yellowcard
18th floor balcony - blue october
cupid's chokehold - gym class heroes

Free falling

“You told me it'd be ok. But you were the one crying.

You told me to let go. But you were the one holding onto my shirt.”

"I love how you come over to me and start laughing and I start laughing too, and nothing's actually funny. But we both want an excuse to talk to each other. And maybe even an excuse to fall in love."



"Every atom of me misses you. Not a day goes by when you aren't etched in the regions of my mind. We're as different as can be. A realist, and an optimist. A goofy boy, and a serious young lady. An athlete of sorts, and a nerd. Someone who likes the Top 40, and someone who cringes at anything mainstream. Someone who is letting go, and someone who is holding on."

But sometimes it feels like we both let go, hoping we'd catch each other.
Now we're just free falling.



You know what I hate? Not telling you. Because I tell you everything. But now you know too much, and just when I was about to tell you I remembered that you know too much. And now I just want some pecan custard pie.

“You always believed what you saw. Until you learned to believe what you felt.

Do what you feel is right and you will always be doing the right thing."

Injuries/feelings/fighting

I currently have 5 band aids in various places on my person, and would have one on my finger, except I think it's too much of a waste for 24 clumsy hours.
The main reason for my bandaidage is blisters on my feet because it is clearly impossible to design shows that are comfortable. Also, my sister made me go shopping with her to buy stockings which is good because I burnt I hole in my work pants from the iron and needed to buy new ones.
I have a bad habit of picking at my fingers when I finish exams early, which is basically every exam I do, and yesterday I picked at my thumb after chem. I think I just get bored? Either way, I'm, a walking disaster area.
It's funny that all these injuries coincided with a week that my life is slightly falling apart (or maybe that's just my mind).

---

I think it is human, natural, and beautiful to be flawed. I think our quirks are what make us unique, different, are what make us who we are. They give us happiness, sadness, confusion; they give us purpose. But, there are a great number of times in my day when I wish I was not so flawed. Times I wish I could just shut up and stop talking, because everything I say annoys someone. Times I wish I could look away, turn around and walk away from what I feel; make a choice, and follow through. Times I wish I could mention a friend's name without people giving me sideways glances, I wish I could look forward to an assessment task (don't judge), without people finding alterior motives, I wish I could make eye contact with people, without others getting offended, I wish I could shake a tree without sarcastic comments.

But I made this choice. I made this choice by deciding to not keep secrets. By telling everyone everything they ask to know, and not lying, I've made a choice to put up with the glances, the comments, and the overanalysing.

I don't regret my choices, and I don't back down when people question why I'm so open.
This is who I want to be. The girl that tells everyone everything, and shakes trees, and grazes her knees fighting for chocolate. I'm the girl who fights for what I want. Whether it means scratching myself on the ground, or giving in to the teasing from my friends, and the overawaredness of other peoples' presence, I'm willing to fight. I'm willing to fight for what I think is right, for what I think is true, and I'm willing to fight to get you out of my head and my life.

I don't like this feeling, and I don't want it.

And now, I'm ready to fight.

...I think.

funny how life is

People

Banana Boy,
You know those people who walk around all dreary, and then they smile, and their face lights up? It's like, you can see a little part of their soul in that smile. You're one of those people.
But you smile everytime you catch my eye, because we've always just joked around together, usually about bananas and watermelon. Part of me wants to talk to you just to see that part of your soul, to see you smile when you see me, to be appreciated.
But, you know, I don't even remember your name, that's why I call you banana boy, and I only see you every few weeks. So it's not like we're ever gonna be best buddies.
I just like spending time with you is all. And I like teasing you. Mainly about bananas.
So, come and talk to me, I have plenty to say, and not just about imperial mandarins.

---

Genius,
Geez, don't you have a way of making me feel terrible. My achievements pale in comparison to yours, I'm nothing. You have your whole life sorted out, how can you be so intelligent? It's scary and intimidating. Yet, you have this amazing calm around you. Like people around you can be whoever they want, and you'll be okay with it. Is that because whoever they are, they will never be what you are? They will never be enough? Maybe, you have nothing to fear; you will always be the best. But I don't like being second best, so I'm gonna keep working on me. Starting now.

In darkness

Confession #12: I don't remember the last time I felt this small

"It's only in darkness that you see the stars"

"You're the stars in my eyes." - October

It's quite funny that people tell me they haven't seen me this sad in a while. I believe it may have been a while since I've felt like this also.
It's quite funny when people tell me that my sadness makes them sad. Unless everyone in the world (including yourself) has seen you differently after knowing what you know about yourself, you don't even know what real sadness is.
And the words "sad" and "terrible person" and even "attractive" have, rather than ceased meaning anything, come to mean so much more than ever before.

And as I stood there and waited for the door to open, I knew who I wanted, more than anyone else to walk out and see if I was okay. The person I want to care. And in that moment, I think I found myself again. Because sometimes I lose track of the person I am. And sometimes when I stand too close to you I start to doubt who that person is, sometimes when I see you too much my mind gets a little fuzzy, and it's difficult to concentrate.
But I've found what I want to concentrate on.
And it's not you.
And it never will be.
And I still hate you =)


ps: i know i begin too many sentences with "and" and "but", but you can get over that.

Capable

Confession #12: Sometimes, I think they're all right. The best option might be to lie.

"Where are you? You’ve seemed a little distant lately. Like you’ve got something to hide. You can tell me. I won’t be mad."

"I can't see the big picture." - coulda.been.a.comet

I feel like as the days go on, I become a worse and worse person.
I know I'm wrong, you know I'm wrong. Everybody in the world knows it.
So many people deny that I'm terrible, but it seems, the more they hear, the more they agree. It's just the way it goes.
I don't want to be this person, and I don't want to feel like this.
But I don't think I even have a choice.

---

The fact that I have depressed you is depressing me.
Why are we involving my stupid emotions anyway?
It's only making us both upset.

---

I've apologised so many times. For once, I wish you could just accept it. You get so mad at me, making you mad at yourself. Can't we move on and pretend nothing ever happened? Will things ever get back to the way they were before? Or do I not deserve a second chance?

Whelmed

"i just wish i could start a relationship about twelve years in, when you really don’t have to try anymore, and you can just sit around together and just goof on tv shows and then go to bed without anybody trying any funny business."

This is my four hundredth post.

Which is quite an achievement. Considering I rarely blog now a days.

But I've been through lulls before.

I think I'm just overwhelmed.

Here's a series of Things You Don't Know About Me that you don't care about but might read anyway.

I've always been the lover, never the loved. Now that I'm the loved, I'm scared I'm going to break you in the same way that they broke me. And I'm very sorry if I do.

---

My Dad has never watched state of origin by himself, he's always watched it with my grandfather. Now that he's gone, I want to be there for him. That's why I'm mega pissed that we'll be on camp for origin 1. I don't care if we get a tv, or get to watch it. I don't want him to be alone.

---

It makes my day when you walk past, catch my eye, and poke your tongue out at me. You always seem happy to see me, even though you barely know me. I feel special.

---

I wear the necklace you gave me to work everyday. I feel like it's the only thing keeping me close to you. And I don't want to let go.

---

Mum told me that she thinks I could have done better for all of my half yearly results. All of them. I wish I could stop being a disappointment.

---

Watching the last ever episode of Gilmore Girls changed my life, because I will never be able to hear those words spoken to me. Never, because you are gone. And I didn't realise what that meant, until Emily said that to Rory.

---

I feel like I'm letting down everyone important in my life at the moment, simply by being me. I want to change, but it all feels so huge and overwhelming and it feels like there's nothing I can do but watch my life go by, along with everyone I ever cared about.

---

Lately, the only person I've been able to relate to is B'Ellana Torres.

Officially addicted to you

My sister just said "What the hell? So many grammar mistakes! 1980s doesn't have an apostrophe *curls up in foetal position*"
Then I asked her how to spell "curls" and "foetal"
But yeah, I've converted her to the dark side that be grammar nazis. Oh the joys we shall have.

So yeah, welcome to my first blog in too long.
In this too long period, Ebony has had her one year anniversary.
Oh how tres exciting.

And, also, I am officially addicted to letters to crushes (thank you very much Rosa!)
so yeah, since I don;t have any intelligent thoughts (ever), here are some awesome letters to crushes.

---

I wish you would just say you like me and get it over with. I'm not the type to tell you how I feel first. Don't you realize I'm waiting for you to make the move? Come on, I mean, you say you can read my thoughts through my eyes, so how could you miss this? Sometimes, when we look at eachother, I think you might be thinking what I am. Then again, what do I know? I'm just another girl... Why would you choose me? We're best friends and I don't wanna ruin that relationship.. but MAN! I like you. A lot.

---

& here's a toast, to attempting to get back what we never had.
To pretending you feel the same.

---

when your hair is wet, you look like a shaggy dog.

it is then that i find you most beautiful.

---

Boy,

Damn you look fine. I just want to reach over at lunch and touch your knee, that subtly patched fraying of your jeans.

I want to whisper you-and-me things in your ear

I want to interlock our fingers and gently sqeeze "I love you" in morse code into your palm.

Girl

---

You asked me the other day if we would still be friends if you were to marry.

The mere thought of it brought me to tears. Another girl, walking down the aisle, as you look on with the devotion and love I used to think I deserved. Heartbreak worse than when I told you I loved you, and you responded with embarrassed silence. If there is one thing in this world that could destroy me, it would be sticking around long enough to see you marry another woman.

You asked me the other day if we would still be friends if you were to marry. And I said yes.

---

I'm realizing there's nothing about you I can't accept.

---

Go fall in love guys.
Live long, and prosper.

Ask me to dance

Put your brave face on
The one you wore when you stole my heart
Won't you hold my hand
We'll jump together into anything that could
Possibly happen

'cause we're still so young
Ask me to dance in this hotel room
Then let's get out of here
And hit the airport with nothing but a carry
on between us

You take my over analyse away
It's you and me against the world today

Feels like i'm running
With my high heels on
And they're chasing us waiting
For it to all go wrong
You're my umbrella against their
Sticks and stones
As long as we keep smiling
They'll never know
Put your brave face on
Put your brave face on

It's clear blue skies
Flying 30,000 feet above
No one can touch us
'cause we're so in love
Look into my eyes
Meet me there don't look down

Feels like i'm running
With my high heels on
And they're chasing us waiting
For it to all go wrong
You're my umbrella against their
Sticks and stones
As long as we keep smiling
They'll never know
Put your brave face on
Put your brave face on

You take my over anaylse away
It's you and me
Against the world today

Feels like i'm running
With my high heels on
And they're chasing us waiting
For it to all go wrong
You're my umbrella against their
Sticks and stones
As long as we keep smiling
They'll never know
Put your brave face on
Put your brave face on

"We've recieved unconfirmed reports that you are beginning to ask questions. Please accept the world as it is and allow it to continue to work the way it works. Fit in.

Thank you."

In other words, it doesn't matter if you're failing English.
Or that you cry at inconvenient times during the day.
And it doesn't matter if you ate lunch alone.
Or that you've fought with everyone important to you in the last 24 hours (including yourself.)

This is the way the world works.

You just have to stop asking questions and fit in.







Resistance is futile.

Bright and sunshiney

Confession #28: I wish life would slow down. Everything is happening so fast and I don't know how I feel about any of it.

"Most people think of black holes as things that transport you through time and space, most people forget to mention the fact that they will most likely rip you apart"

"Ready for the day to end" - edyka



Welcome to the black hole that is life.

It is a black hole because stupid people do stupid things to mess with you like the stupid vet telling you your dog might have stupid cancer.
Or stupid people you talk to online that tell you their entire life story, and don't bother asking how you are because they don't care.
Or stupid people that rearrange your entire stupid bedroom whilst you are at work because they don't like it being messy and are throwing out half your stupid stuff.
Or stupid people that wake you up by stupid texting you goodnight, and you can't even get pissed off at them because it's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for you.

And then you go to work, and there's the genius, who hears about your dog, and enlightens you by saying "cancer is smarter than people. there will never be a cure for cancer because it evolves quicker than humans can cure it. people that give money to cancer are stupid"

And that makes you feel all bright and sunshiney, doesn't it?