When things die...

OK, so yes, my blog died a little over the past week.I stopped feeding it, and what happens when you stop feeding things? They die.(No seriously, I had this fish once...)(Yes, you guys love my metaphors)

Here, read this:

If people were drinks, he'd be hot chocolate - not the powdered stuff we get in Oz but the rich, dark thick mixture they serve in
Polish cafes, like molten bitter chocolate bars, which you whisk in your cup
with the frithy milk they bring in a seperate jug. I realise I am salivating and
pretend to bite the end of my pen. He looks up and I frown, concentrating on
what I am writing. Which is this, right now.

He's the kind of boy that makes me feel all wishful
because I'm not much of a looker myself. I have my Dad's height and brown eyes
and my mum's big feet and frizzy hair. He is sleek and well-coordiated and
relaxed; if people were animals, he'd be a seal or a brown Burmese cat. I'd be a
duck-billed platypus, made up of bits of other animals and not sure which one to
be.

Very awesomelyful, yes? It's by Mary Hoffman. Paints a pretty picture, yeah?

Le sigh. I feel like smiling. As in, I want to smile, but I've been so upset all day and I dunno why.

Things are hurting me. A lot. 'And maybe it's because she's so strong, that no one thought that she could fall so fast. But everyone's never been more wrong'.

OK, so maybe I'm not strong. But I couldn't think of a song that actually applied (plus, I wrote that one =D).

I want to feel alive again. I want to be set on fire by happiness (pretty picture. again). I want a candle, or a guiding light.

I feel like; I don't wanna hurt people and upset them by telling them how unhappy I am. But I don't wanna lie to them, and tell them everything's okay. I'm only telling you guys, because, well, I'm trying to be honest. Again. And I know, it will be hard, but I'm putting in some effort, so let me.

I want to be a silly little girl again.

I want to hold hands and skip with someone and run away into endless possibilties.

I want to feel like nothing can hurt me. Like I'm protected.

I want to not feel bad about crying, especially just for writing shit like this. Because it's okay to fell bad when things hurt me.

I want to smile. Lots and lots. And cry lots too. And laugh even more.

I want to be happy.

I know my life is a yoyo, and I must take the good with the bad. But I don't want the bad anymore. Because every now and then the bad gets too much.

Like now. I feel like I'm being tested. Well too bad, I fail!

And then I feel worse, because I can't handle any of it. I feel weak.

And I start selfdestructing. And no matter how much I try, I know I'm not doing a good enough job. I don't want people to feel bad about me, because then I feel even weaker, like I can't take life by myself. But no one is fooled for even one second, thinking that everything is ok. Sure, they pretend for me, but I know they can see...

And then I feel even worse.

I want a hug. A really, really big hug. And I want it to make everything better. (Hugs have healing power you know).

(((TOO BAD! I DON"T CARE)))

Me: *singing* "Am I not pretty enough? ... Is my heart to broken?"

Nikki: "YESS!"

Thanks.

But I can't blame... that. - Whoa, it hurt to write. Oh well, can't delete it now.

OK, I know, you're all lost now. But that's a very very good thing. Stop trying to figure it out now please.

Here, I shall enlighten you all as to the beauty that is WORDS. (Or, to be more precise, 6 words)

Deep down, it'll never be okay. – wordslikexpoetry

The petals fell, one by one. – syracuse24

Misery loves company. I love you. - October

I tried hard not to cry. – edyka

i want to know i'm alright – reneigh

Please explain the world to me. - ThrivingViolet

I am cold and i'm broken. – Kelseyyy

Do I deserve to smile again? – To.Much.Not.Enuff.x3

Don't know what I'm waiting for – edyka

I want to hold your hand. – seeareuh

On the bright side, everything's broken. – October

Take my hand, we'll run forever. – randomperson

I don't enjoy my life anymore – Occultus

I need you now, my angel - ThrivingViolet

wasting wishes on stars for you.. - Anonymous.Secrets

Heart Racing; Tears Falling; Breakdown Approaching. - Anonymous.Secrets

Wondering what God thinks of me. – 1073

overwhelmed, underwhelmed; monotone and utterly alone. – lemonsherry

I lie. My heart isn't okay – Cassylyn

You're amazing. Just throwing that in. – October

Because hope dangles on a string... – sunset boulevarde

i have never felt more broken – lil’misstessa

Now, where did my dreams go? – Karina

I have written 262 memoirs.

What an accomplishment!

Have you guys found my page yet???

And I wasn't gonna blog this before, because it wasn't finished. But things have changed, and I know I will never finish it. I wrote this about a week ago, probabl a little more, but don't judge it, it is incomplete (as so many things are)

Love is not just passion and friendship. Because people often mistake best
friends for lovers, and they’re not, they’re friends. Love is more, love is
knowing, deep down in your soul, that if you spent the rest of your life with
this person by your side, that you’d be happy. That you would have your dream
come true.

Love is the feeling in your stomach when you hear that
song. It’s not even a flutter in your heart, it’s like, nausea. Because it is
merely an echo of the feeling in your heart when you hear that song with that
person.

Love can be a little hard, especially when they don’t love
you back, or as much. Or when you’re not with them. But it only hurts in
comparison to the times you’re with them, and things are miraculously
perfect.

Love is frightening, because it is uncontrollable. Things
that are as completely out of your power as this are scary.

And love burns. Not only because it is a friendship set on fire. But because
it hurts so completely. It terrorises all those in its way, and it

My Limits.

well well well
because my mum lacks originality in punishment, i have been banned from my comp
(however im allowed on when home alone, or when everyone else is asleep i.e. now)
So why am I banned? be cause i "dont appreciate my family"... yeah.

But I have nothing to say anyway, I'm just blogging to tell you that I won't be here for a while.
Because my mum sees no limit on punishmentwhen am I allowed back on?When I "learn to appreciate my family"
Mum, when is that? How can I mark that on a calendar?
Basically, when she's in a better mood.
ie. when we haven't recently visited any members of her extended family
i think my cousin's wedding yesterday almost sent her over the edge
and i guess i see her point... her family all hate her
it must be really hard to deal with that

...you know what I realised?
I am sooo melodramatic, it's soo funny!:) I love laughing at myself, because myself won't be hurt like other people, and I can't laugh without laughing at someone
Oooooh, it's all so tragic!! :L:L

Actually, really shit stuff has been hapening all week.
Lots of it is just annoying, but one thing actually hurt me.
Who wants to hear a story??

You: "I do! I do!"

Ok, here goes.
On Tuesday, my Grandfather went to some place that he goes to on Tuesdays. (I can't remember what it is, okay? Sue me!). But he was having a lot of trouble breathing, and couldn't even talk, so they rushed him to hospital. My Dad went to visit him, but I had to work. We found out that he had had a minor stroke. On Wednesday, they found a blockage in an artery in his neck, this is what caused the stroke. If it wan't remived, it would almost definately cause a major stroke, and then would be very likely to cause permanent damage.
Problem was, operation to remove the blockage highly risky, and there was a chance he wouldn't make it out. He didn;t want the surgery. Somehow, my dad and auntys (my uncle is in NZ) managed to convince him to have the surgery. Then people started talking about him as if he coulsn't possibly survive, it was like they were expecting him not to.
It really scared me, hearing people talk about him like that. Like he had no chance. I've never dealt with the prospect of someone dying before. When my grandmother died, it was unexpected, she was meant to come out of hospital the next day, it was the last thing people were expecting.
On Thursday, my grandfather had the surgery, and survived. He's still in intensive care, and for the first 24 hours after surgery, everytime he woke, he got really anxious and worried, and started freaking out. He's okay now, and he can walk around.

I still haven't visited him, although my dad goes everyday, it's always after work, and I haven't been given the chance. I don't know if I would, anyway, because it would scare me too much.

OK, now you've heard my story you forgive me for being a real shit at school all week? And whining about everything, and just randomly staring into space and looking like something is killing me?

You: "Of course I do Ebony, I love you!"

Aww, thankyou :)

Well, now I'm gonna go write/read 6 word memoirs, cuz... I haven't all week, and I'm getitng withdrawals.

Ooooh, big THANKYOU to MayLyn!! Who, during the week, published my meoirs when I couldn;t, you saved my life darling!!! :)

Oh, and I found out which memoir made it into the book.
I'm really annoyed, I don't even llike this one, it's so shitty, it didn't even get featured! It's so bleh... but I'll write it for you guys anyways, cuz I said I would.

Been kissed once. High school dare.

Seriously, it's not even, like, nice. It's just silly.
If IIII had to choose one of my memoirs to go in the book...

Hmm, my most commonly fabourited is "I gave you everything... you left" but I don't like it that much.
"I don't care. Just come home." I like that, sort of. It's like, it's got story to it.
"I'm not special. I'm just me" That's cool. It makes me smile.
"Don't need you. I'll love myself!" I love how stubborn that sounds.
"I think too much about everything" Enough said.

"The stars spell out your name" Reminds me of a song that reminds me of my grandmother, so I like that one, but I'm bias.

"I see beauty in everything ugly" That one gives me hope. Like, light can overcome shadow. (Omgsh, that sounded so hippy :L And still, so deep :))

"You are beautiful. Never forget that." Ngaw, how sweet.

OOOh, I found it!
If I was going to put just ONE of my memoirs in the book, it would be:

I'd catch a star for you.

Mainly because that reminds me of Stardust, thus reminding me of... happiness. But also, because, when I wrote that, Joannie said to me on MSN
""II'd catch a star for you" that's so sweet"
And that made my day! A million times over.
And I KNOW you don't read my blog Joannie, because you suck!
But nevertheless, I'd catch a star for you!!!!!!!!! I would, really! You want a star?? Cuz I'll go find one :)

Oh. My. Gosh.

What is it with me and really long blogs? Remember when they used to be petite??
BUT! I haven;t blogged all week, and you guys were getting withdrawals, yes?

You: *pause*... yes.

I thought so.

Ehh, leaving now, ciao!

I'll see you under the moon!

Top 30 out of 123

Dear Six-Word Memoirist,

If you're getting this email, it means that one of the six-word memoirs you submitted at www.SMITHteens.com is one of our favorites. Congratulations! You are a finalist for publication in Six-Word Memoirs by Teens Famous and Obscure, a new book coming out from HarperTeen next fall. Our first book, Not Quite What I Was Planning, was a big hit, and we know with your help, this one can touch even more people!

No way! I’m gonna be in the book!!
Ur kidding me!!

That is soo cool, and as soon as I’ve found out which of my memoirs will be in the book, I will get back to you guys and tell you.

Until then. I am going to celebrate me getting into the book AND me reaching 200 memoirs (:O), by sharing with you some of my favourites of mine, up to the most recent 100 (maybe I still think you won't be able to find my account if I don't put recent ones) (maybe i just cant be bothered to go through my liast 100).

You know, some day, when I’m all rich and famous (and hanging out with the jonas brothers, and God!), these may be worth a lot of money. *nods* So, here it is, my top 30, out of my first 123!! (Cuz I’ve written 223)

A failed attempt; a second chance

Hated music, then you started singing

You're only beautiful to my eyes

Our song hurts to listen to.

Waiting to fall out of love.

Screaming over voices in my head.

"Just be yourself!" "Who am I?"

I’m a sucker for the clichés.

I thought I was over you.

Let go? Or hold on tighter?

You told me I was beautiful.

Didn't ever want to say goodbye.

Don't be my everything this time.

You promised never to forget me.

Tears form. But I won't cry.

Smile for me, one last time.

You're wrong!
I love you regardless

It's not a game to me.

I wrote 100 memoirs that night.

But I cried everyday over you.

I still wish it was you.

I'm not special. I'm just me.

I don’t wanna do what’s “right”

I can't help writing about you.

What's it like to be perfect?

Please don't pretend you love me

Don't wanna hurt everyone I love.

You touch me; I feel safe.

I'm learning to be happy
again.

But I don't wanna let go.


'Oh! How beautiful Ebony! No wonder you're in the book! You're amazing!'
That's what you guys are gonna say now, so that when I'm all rich and famous, I still remember you. Right??? Ok, goodie.

Also, guys, seriously! If you don't have an account, then how the hell are we gonna take over the Internet?? That's right! You go make an account!! And then write... anything!! Yesterday would have been a good day, as LOTS of people posted... but any time will do! Please share your thoughts... I'm sure you've found yourself trying to think of some memoirs (Allan!!). So share them people (i.e. me[comment on my blog if you cant be bothered getting an account])

Links to SMITHteens are in opening paragraph, if you're too lazy to look, press here. And... yeah.
I know, I wasn't gonna blog today, because, like NaBloPoMo is finished and all, and I really shouldn't tease you guys with my blogs. But it feels so normal to blog, especially when I have such coolio news.

So you go click that link, make an account, write some memoirs, and leave some comments.

Ps: 'Dear Six-Word Memoirist', and here I've been saying memoir writer. Memoirist is so much more pro!
Pps: In case you guys can't pronounce it (:L). Memwah!

I'm getting better

I wanted to write down the number 29, so I wouldn’t forget how much thrivingviolet had favourited me.
When I wrote it, realised it was your birthday, and threw it out.
I’m never gonna forget that number.
And I don’t need another reminder of you.

You're quirky in ways I love. – Mirruku Chii

I don’t know if you guys remember him talking about how he liked me cuz I’m quirky. But I do. Remember my kick ass memory? Yeah, I hate it! Because, for everyone else, things drain, and for me, they may as well have happened yesterday. Time doesn’t heal all wounds when time changes nothing. Sure, I love being able to remember our drama script and stuff like that, but, sometimes, it’s not worth it.

I don’t know whether or not I’m over you. I think I am. Simply because I love the idea of you being stuck on 36636422. It makes me feel warm inside. Like, you’re getting more than me; you’re getting what you deserve. To you, she is beauty itself. It sort explores the only facet of your personality that I never dealt with, your ability to love unconditionally. You loved her for 6 years. And you never told anyone. She’s the one who made you depressed. It hurts me that she did that to you, and yet, I feel this little place in my heart for her. The girl I’ve never met. That’s how you explained her. She was your sun, your stars, your sky.

Maybe it would help if you had moved on. Properly. None of this “I’ve put my life in perspective” bullshit. As in, you’d actually moved on. Then I could too. I don’t like getting hurt by you, it’s not fair. But I don’t feel how I used to about you.

I’m all confused for sure, especially since you still seem to be everything. But I’m going back into that phase of my life I was in a few weeks ago, I don’t miss you as I used to, and I’m accepting things as they are.

Finale!

It’s sorta sad that this is the last day of NaBloPoMo. Because I know I won’t have this same dedication later, and I’ll only blog a few times a week. So I’m gonna put everything into this blog. I’ve never done that before. Cuz you know, sometimes you get writers block, and I couldn’t have that during NaBloPoMo, so I always saved some topics for me to talk about another time, just in case. But not anymore. Here goes nothing:

I got my friend into SMITHteens – edyka

OMG. ThrivingViolet favourited me 21 times!! (So what if I counted? She’s one of my idols) And I “Inspired” her!!! OMGSH!!!! How cool is that???

Peoples, and how many times they were favourited by Thriving Violet:

Bryan – 3
Amy – 5
Shai – 2
Me - 21

Peoples, and how many times they were favourited by Coulda.been.a.comet:

Amy – 1

Peoples, and how many times they were favourited by October:

Amy – 1
Bryan – 1
Me – 1

And I’m one of October AND Thriving Violet’s fave writers
OK, so you’ll probs figure out who I am by now…
But that’s okay, I think I can live with that.

Oh my gosh, at work yesterday, they made me serve BY MYSELF. :O:O
Like, they let me loose on the public, I had no buddy.

I got there and they’re like “Have you ever served by yourself before?” Me: “No…” and they’re like “Have you ever served at all?” And I’m like “For two hours” and then they just said “Go on the register opposite Logan then” (he’s the dude who ran multicultural day performances)

So then I served by myself. And I stuffed up soo much. Like, I kept scanning stuff a gazillion times, and far out! Our stupid system doesn’t have red grapes! How can it not have red grapes?? My first customer had red grapes, and I had no idea what to do!

And some guy stole a passionfruit! Seriously, he put 3 passionfruits on the counter. I served him. And as he walked away, I saw he had another one in his hand. Like what the hell?? What does it cost, $2??? How could he not pay me for the bloody passionfruit?? Far out!
And then at the end, I had to a clearance and a spot balance, and I’m like wth is that??

But I survived! And I had fun! And I had some really cool customers. Like these firemen that payed with only $1/$2 coins. And it was like, $26! And this old guy who was really nice. And then later he went up and complimented me, so now my boss is really happy with me. And like, 10 people asked me why my name is Ebony. So I told them my mummy saw it on TV when she was pregnant. (:L)

So yeah, that was work yesterday. Oh, and Logan left an hour before me, and then I was all by myself : And I STILL survived! :):)

OK, so here’s one of the blogsecrets I was talking about the other day:

I’m at a loss for words. Well, I’m blogging so I guess not really, maybe it’s just that I don’t know how to put it into words, or if even should. Last time this happened I couldn’t sleep for days. So now I’m watching Harry Potter III.

I wish I could use the ‘ridiculous’ spell and turn you into something that I hated, couldn’t stand, didn’t want, wasn’t even attracted to. But that’s my trouble, you are those things. You’re arrogant, unfaithful, chauvinistic.

Everything I hate about men in general. Yet I look past it for ten quick minutes, then go back to hating you. Just so you know.

Yes, it’s a short one compared to some of the others. But I figure if we start small, you’ll be more likely to read it.

I feel like putting some crazy on this.OMGSH! I don’t have any crazy on my computer. I’ve never run out before. : How can I live without my crazy???

Poem:

A brief candle; both ends burning
An endless mile; a bus wheel turning
A friend to share the lonesome times
A handshake and a sip of wine
So say it loud and let it ring
We are all a part of everything
The future, present and the past
Fly on proud bird
You're free at last.

Quotes:
If only we'd stop trying to be happy we'd have a pretty good time.

Happiness is as a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but which if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.

Yeah, I guess that’s sort of a little bit crazy, no?

And now I’ll go back and add pictures into it. You love my pictures, don't you? :) I'm feeling happier now.

I love reading 6 word memoirs. Especially the happy ones. And then writing emo ones. And then reading more happy ones. It's like, inhaling beauty and exhaling ugly. I'm purging myself of all bad thoughts, so I can make room for the happy in me. Problem is: it can be so hard to find the happy ones, and you have to sift through all the emo ones, and then you even more ugly thoughts in you.

I feel so determined to change everything. To prove how easily happiness can be achieved. I know that I always reread my blogs. Especially when people comment, I'll go back and read the whole thing. I like to cheer myself up for when I reread it. And I like to cheer up my readers. I know how nice it is to read happy blogs. But more than that, I want to be honest. Maybe, by only putting my nice thoughts here, I'm losing the honesty in my blog. Am I? Or is it okay to tell only half the story?

Here's an honest moment:

Everything is about him, just as it shouldn't be, but of course it is. That's how I prioritise; completely out of whack. But, there's some little possibilty that I can see his side of the story; that maybe it doesn't make a difference if he never loved, maybe it changes nothing. I know, I've fooled myself in the past into thinking I like someone, cuz I find out they like me first. And it's not like that changed things for me, is it? Besides, if he never loved me, it means I didn't really hurt him that much, and that certainly eases up the guilt.
And still, it's all about him. I know he ruined me yesterday, I remember how I felt, and yet, I can forgive his so easy? Why am I talking about how he made me feel guilty? Shouldn't it be the other way around? But it's not, because he is still everything.

And back on topic:

Ebony rules!!

Hehe. Me, Amy and Bryan are taking over smithteens :L. So far, 46 memoirs straight, just us 3. It's so cool! And then, like, we're talking on MSN, and not even mentioning it. It's so weird.

Holy shit.

My library of music is on random.
And I just got to Amazed.
It feels like it's puching me. Each beat of music.
My chest is getting weaker and weaker.
And then the pretty music comes in, the violins, and they sounds like they're sawing something, me?
Punching's getting quicker, but not as strong.
Now it's in time with my heartbeat, not the song.

And now, it is finished.

And I'm putting myself back together again.

Jeez, and I used to just feel nauseas.

Ok, I'm sorry about that. It was really freaky. Like... I could feel myself being destroyed by a bloody song.

Ok, and moving on...

I feel like I have a reason to smile.

I don't know what it is.

But I feel it there.

I'm gonna share some more 6 word memoirs. Some of the best. But I'm only using the more unknown authors. The ones that have one-hit wonders. No Bubbles, no soulcages, no October, no coulda.been.a.comet, no esalamy, no J600y, no ThrivingViolet, just the obscures.

don't kid yourself. you saved me. – caramabelle135

Beginning of my story starts now. – skittles

Never meant to fall in love. – Jade.

I always colour outside the lines. – feigning

He’s taken but I’m in love – ashxsanta54

no distance is too far, love. – on yr radio

I stood crying in the rain. – hithink

You caught me when I fell. – Eralyn

Somewhere, someone else is reading this. – Roschach

where's my undo button in life? – Lavender_notebook815

i convinced myself you were perfect – wakexup14

sitting here wishing i was okay – whereya@?

I just need a hug, damnit! – Groar

I'm a teen and I'm happy – simplykay43

I'm not sure I can anymore. – murx

There you go, I hope you enjoyed that. For more of a 6 word memoir fix, go here, and flick through the archives. And enjoy! ++I'll have more for you soon. Maybe some more famous ones too. I think I'll do some blog dedications to the awesome people who make my life even more awesome.

Hehe, I'm listening to Addicted to you - Anthony Callea

Omgsh, it's getting me so happy. Just the beat. And singing along crazy!!

Whee! Bout it!!

Hehe, love music!

I love that my playlist can do this to me. I mean, sure, you get the crappy songs that make you feel all shit, but you also get the ones that make you feel awesome.

My Top 10 songs that I've heard today with my playlist on random (In no particular order):

1. Bout it! - Yung Joc

2. Addicted to you - Anthony Callea

3. I don't remember - Powderfinger

4. The Zephy Song - Red Hot Chilli Peppers

5. Light up the sky - Yellowcard

6. Almost Lover - A Fine Frenzy

7. I really want you - James Blunt

8. I'm just a girl - Bachelor Girl

9. This Aint A Scene - Fall Out Boy

10. Stacey's mom - Fountains of Wayne

Eventually, the blog must end, and I must eat breakfast.

Although, by now, I should just move on to lunch.

Anyway!

Farewell readers, who know, I might not post for another 2 days!!! :O:O

Then what will you do??

When you have relied on my blog so much for so long!!

You: Uhhh, yeah.

Oh, it will feel so weird, not to blog. How will you ever survive??

More to the point, how will I ever survive??

But I did it!!

I blogged everyday for a month!!

Sometimes more than once!!

I look forward to taking up the challenge again next year.

Ps: I hope this post adequately ended NaBloPoMo

PPS: It will be so weird, not to tag my blogs with that anymore...

I like colours

I’m back to normal again (I think). I was just soo pissed that I had to blog. I’m scared if I read it again, I’ll get pissed again. Hmm, how weird.

Ok, some random things

Uber uber congratulations to OCTOBER and THRIVINGVIOLET, who wrote sooo many 6 word memoirs, they filled an ENTIRE ACCOUNT, and started new with October (the sequel) and Thriving Violet – continued.
And a little congrats to me, who found myself favourited on 2 peoples profiles today, yay!

++ ive started tagging my blogs.
Ive gone back to the beginning and started adding tags to things, seemed like something I should do, eventually.

I’ve tagged with things like: NaBloPoMo, 6wordmemoirs, friends, family, love, life, etc etc.

Now, I’m sure everyone appreciated all my random thoughts yesterday, and did you guys notice how happy I was?? Yeah, I’m working on getting back to that. Music helps. And distractions (i.e. work, which is where I will be 5-9pm tonight, visit me anyone?)

OK, I don’t know how prominent you guys are in the blogosphere, but just in case you live under some sort of rock, I just thought I’d tell you about BLOGSECRET which took place on November 18 (I would have done it if we weren’t at camp).


The rules were these:
1) Write an anonymous blog post. It could be about anything that is a secret. Work. Family. Affairs. Crimes of the heart. Crimes of the street. Recklessness. Accidents. Hate. Bitching. Whatever it is that you don't want to share on your own blog. Or under your own name.
2) Email Nilsa your submission no later than NOVEMBER 15. In this email, make sure to include the name and http:// address of your blog.
3) On November 16-17, she emails you someone else's post. It will be stripped of all headers, email addresses and other potentially identifying information. She will not reveal the identity of anyone else's submissions.
4) On NOVEMBER 18, you publish the submission sent to you over the weekend- this is someone else's secret- and yours is on someone else's blog.

Quite simple really, just a way to get out your secrets, and it was a huge success, with 79 bloggers participating. Go here for a full list of participating bloggers, and read through to find the blogsecrets, they’re really raw and emotional, and worth the read.

I’ll probs post some for you guys cuz I know how lazy we all are.

Oh, and here, how cool are these quotes:

I didn't think it was possible to out-queer figure skating, but look out! Here comes ice dancing!

And you can't break a gay man's fingers. Because then how would he sew.

:L:L I found them at Things My Boyfriend Says. And yeah, they’re cool.

So… I know this morning’s blog kinda sucked and all. But that’s what happens when I go all moody, it’s sorta funny really. Hmm, the me of this morning wouldn’t be very happy that I’m laughing at her, would she??

See! I am schitzo.

OK, here are some “hopeful” quotes/song lyrics/random errant thoughts:

Lost my shoes. Found winged sandals. – wolfgirl

When I first met smithteens, that was the first favourited memoir. Even now, it seems so special, because back then, being favourited was such a great honour. I think I missed the beauty in it originally.

Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all. – Dale CArnegie

That makes you wanna keep trying when you lose hope. I guess that’s something I do a lot, lose hope. I’m so very melodramatic, when something good happens, the world is perfect, and when something goes wrong, suddenly it’s all over.

Fear grows in darkness; if you think there's a bogeyman around, turn on the light. – Dorothy Thompson

It’s such a clever idea, no? Fear representing the unknown, and light being knowledge.

What if, at this very moment, I am living up to my full potential? – Jane Wagner

Now that’s a little scary. Cuz at the moment I’m sorta all moody.

Once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it. – Bill Cosby

Yeah, laughter is the best medicine, and smiles make things happy. Thankyou to everyone who was talking to me this morning, and made me laugh/smile/happy.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. – Oscar Wilde

Sure, he may be the only reason I look at the stars, but at least I’m dreaming big, right?

Eskimo proverb:
Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.

Now there’s a beautiful thought. That love really shines that bright. That people we love still exist within us.

You know… it must take so much strength to be atheist. I can’t imagine life, having nothing to believe in. Remember when I posted all those memoirs the first time? And I said I wrote one of them. Yeah well, it was “Sometimes, it helps to have faith”.

There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle.” Albert Einstein

I think maybe life is a miracle. Maybe it really means something.

When things are bad, we take comfort in the thought that they could always be worse. And when they are, we find hope in the thought that things are so bad they have to get better.

I think this morning, I was taking comfort in the fact that things had to get better, and look! They did.

Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air, but only for one second without hope

With this, I beg to differ. Without hope, one curls up and lets misery eat away at them, but they still survive, even though they would feel better not to.

I'm not crazy, I just believe – melissaaa

Yeah. And believing makes all the difference, doesn't it?

Fly away on my zephyr
I feel it more then ever
And in this perfect weather
We'll find a place together
Fly on my wing

See, you're happier now, huh?

Death by broken heart

"i did fall in love with u once, but i believe it was because of the fact that u said u liked me first,
perhaps if i had of been more secure with myself i would have realised all the things that now make sense

... it was a superficial love,
i really knew nothing about u,
i liked the fact that i could talk to u without having to "dumb down"
i liked the fact that a pretty girl showed interest in me,
i liked the fact that u were quirky and different.
But now i see that stuff isn't enough, we're both at different stages in our lives, both after different things..."

Still trying to trust his words – edyka

jeez, that makes everything better, doesnt it?

couldnt you see that that was going to hurt me?
and how could you say you knew nothing about me? when you knew everything. i told you everything. i told you stuff im still too ashamed to put on this blog. i let you in on absolutely everything!!
and then i gave myself to you and gave you permission to destroy me.
i think i would have preferred if you did it then, rather than now.

Don't give up on me, please. – coulda.been.a.comet

everything just stopped making sense.

i actually thought we were on the same page for once. you told me we were.
i didnt think you'd take back everything.

Some things never make any sense. – angie

you were the only person in my life that made me feel special. that made me feel good about myself.
if you didnt mean it, you shouldnt have said it

Just please tell me the truth. – angie

i was ready, finally, to try. to try to do something for myself, and for you.

i dont think this is making sense. i dont think my life is making sense, so maybe this is just a reflection of that.

i feel dead inside.

My soul's dying without my angel. - ThrivingViolet

contrary to what you may think. you know everything there is to know about me.
i trust you with my life.
and i trust you with the deepest darkest parts of myself.

Puddles of problems and no mop. – coulda.been.a.comet

why is it that the only person who could ever understand everything suddenly doesnt care anymore?
and why is it that just when i'm finally happy, the best friend ive ever had takes back everything he's said to me??

My tears can't be fought anymore. – Kelseyy

here, i wrote this yesterday, i was gonna blog it today.
i still want to. even though it means is so different to what it used to mean


You changed me in beautiful, permanent ways. (I sooo would have used that for a memoir if I didn’t feel so bad about changing the meaning by shortening it). I just wanted to tell you what some of those ways are, since I’m crazily obsessed with you, and may as well use my overthinkingness especially regarding you in a more positive way.

1. My overthinkingness. Yeah, thanks heaps. It’s okay though, I’m only overthinking about you, and it’s nice to have such focus. You know, it has improved my will power, being able to focus more clearly on specific things.

2. My vocabulary. It has actually acquired a little more sophistication than my vocabulary of a year ago. My sentence structure has improved too.

3. My discipline. Sure, I’m still not the model student, but I will listen to some rules laid down by authority, thanks for helping understand that people want the best for me. You explained things so well, I’ve learned to analyse things the way you did, and understand them.

4. I fight for what I want. I used to argue because I enjoyed it, now I argue to make change. “Be the difference you want to see in the world”. Well, I’m fixing things little by little.

5. I’ve stopped caring so much about what other people think of me. If I have nice friends and family, and people out there that love me, I don’t need to care what everyone else wants me to be.

6. My dedication. The way you spoke about 36636422, it was so beautiful. You thought I would be jealous after all of that, but I told you “actually no, I’m surprised that someone could love someone else so much” and then I thought to myself, ‘could he ever feel that way about me?’ But I don’t care anymore whether you feel like that about me. To know for sure that love like that really is out there, to know that there’s a chance that you will feel it, and even just to witness it, your dedication has made me see beauty in the world.

7. As hard as it may be to believe, I’m less selfish than I used to be. I weigh opinions, and I try to come to a rational response. If I don’t have at least 24 hours to think it over, however, I make the selfish decision. I’m only rational whilst lying in bed at night, because that is the only time I allow you to have any influence over me. During the day, I still wonder if it was all just a dream, but looking out my window at the stars/moon, I know it was all true.

8. You taught me to care. I used to only want significant details of people’s lives. I only wanted to know the big things (i.e. why their life wasn’t perfect). Now, I’m anxious to know everything, to be involved, to understand everything about a person. I think this is subconsciously because I want you to know everything about me again. Also, because, if I can be the perfect friend to someone else that you were to me, I deserve you again.

9. You know I’ve always thought you were perfect, but not in a “oh he’s so amazing” sort of a way, it’s just that, if you asked me a few years ago who I wanted to be when I was older, I would have described you. You made the right decisions, the ones I never could because I was embarrassed or ashamed, or I thought it would lead to something I didn’t want. Thank you for letting me see that the perfect me can still exist if I try hard enough to do the right thing. It’s really helping me do things the right way.

10. My OCD. I think I actually got some of that from you. Sure, I was already a little crazy, but you focused my craziness into something more definable… I still remember how obsessive you used to be…

11. Addiction to chocolate. Remember the caramello koalas? Yeah, that started it. Before that, chocolate was just nice, you made me fall in love with it :).


Ok, so there’s heaps more, but I’m getting al lovey-dovey and I’m pretty sure you guys really don’t care.
Point is: my ex-best friend is awesome! And you should all wish you had someone as cool as him to influence your life!


...

Sad thing is...

You still expect us to go on as if you had said nothing.
You think that because I'm not in love with you anymore, I won't care that you never really loved me. You think that we should go on, and try and piece together our friendship again. You think that this changes nothing. That it’s irrelevant because it’s in the past.
And you don’t know that I’m sitting here falling apart, because the one thing I thought was real is suddenly just another lie.

Everything.

ok, if i dont blog. then i totally die at NaBloPoMo. But it's all stormy, so I should turn off my computer.
If I don;t get a chance to get back, on, then this will do.
Uhhh, dunno what to write.
Far out, go back through my blogs and click on a link, that'll give you something to do.

here, ill just put a quote:

Charlie: What colour are my eyes? (turns around)
Kevin: (Talking to her back) Well, at first glance your eyes are brown. But when the light hits them, they change to amber. And if you look really close around the iris, the colour is pure honey. But when you look into the sun, they look almost look green. That's my favourite.

___________________________________

Later that day:

Part 1:

6 words: My life's a string of lyrics - soulcages
Song lyrics (you love me, trust me, and you'll forgive me for this):

ABBA:
One of these days
Gonna tell him I dream of him every night

As I held my breath, the world stood still, but then he just smiled

Taylor Swift:
Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

Anna Nalick:
I shine a little more lately

Michelle Brach:
Could you look me in the eye
And tell me that you’re happy now?

There’s a will
There’s a way
Sometimes words just can’t explain
This is real
I’m afraid
I guess this time there’s just no hiding

And I’ve heard that you can’t fight love, so I won’t complain

Delta Goodrem:
Hearts that don’t love can’t be broken

Part 2:

6 words: Love comes in many different ways. – Tinkcmc16

Oh, and, have you guys heard the song ‘OK, Here’s The Truth’?
It is soo cool.
It’s about this guy who has a feeling that his wife is cheating on him, when she comes home late from work with bad excuses, and in the end, he finds out that he was at the doctor, and she’s dying. And now, he doesn’t care anymore, he just wants her to be OK.

There's a look on her face
She's starting to master
And she carefully closes the door
She's been coming home late
With pre-packaged answers
To questions she tries to avoid

Now she's talking too fast
And I just have to ask
Baby what's all the cloak and dagger for?
Okay here's the truth
I ran out of gas
& I didn't call cause I thought you'd be mad
So I started to walk
Took an hour and a half
To get off that highway and fill up that can
I was hoping that you'd understand

She's getting good with the lies
So good that you'd wonder
If the rabbit in the hat tricks for real
She turns water into wine
And I'd almost believed her
If her eyes just for once could keep still

Now my patience wears thin
Cause she's late once again
Honey tell me what delayed you this time

Okay here's the truth
It's gonna sound kind of strange
But I took a new way home from work for a change
It started out fine
Til I got to Route 9
Went an hour the wrong way before I realized
I'm sorry I ruined all your plans
I was hoping that you'd understand

And there watching her secretly talking
It is just about all I can bear
Now I know why she's been wearing
More Make-up and caring
So much about changing her hair

The telephone vibrates on the table again
Another damn private call coming through
And now she's visibly shaking
And I just feel like taking that phone
Throwing it clear across the room
She answers “hello”
A mans voice I don't know
Says “it's time that you tell him the truth”

Now I can't take this no more
Honey I'm out the door
No, I won't relaxI got my suitcase all packed
What she said next stopped me dead in my tracks

Okay here's the truth
It's not what you think
The man that you heard is head of oncology
I'm sorry I lied
To you all of those times
I didn't know how to tell you
I might not survive

Okay there's the truth
I've got six months to live
Only wanted what's best for you and the kids
I promise I'll fight
With all of my might
But if I lose this battle
I lived a good life

So baby just please hold my hand
And tell me that you understand

Part 3:

6 words: My angel can fly without wings. - ThrivingViolet

And on an unrelated note:
So yeah, I did it. Well done? I dunno, it feels like I’ve done something wrong, why do I feel guilty? I thought I was doing the right thing, I put so much thought into it, and yet…
If I just got an answer, maybe I’d feel better about it. I mean, you still checked, so that means something, but you haven’t… said anything. Ugh, I hate that you mean so much to me, it’s so degrading.

Moving on.

Part 4:

6 wors: The stuff that enters my mind... – hirokee
Life is really happy. I just need to not think too much, and I need to smile. It helps, you know, smiling. And focusing on the positives (i.e. friends, creating connections, Christmas coming, school almost over) And 6 word memoirs. They always help.
And love.
And imagination.
And beauty. (i.e. me :P)

And jokes, teasing, mucking around. (i.e. lisa/corinne)
And sentimentality.
And using big words (i.e. sentimentality)
And emotion.
And story telling.
And childishness. (i.e. enjoying big words)

And talking things through.

And learning together.
And smiling together.
And teaching, learning, experinecing.
And understanding.

And happy music, and peaceful music, and just all cool music.
(i.e. It’s not easy being green – Kermit the frog)(:L)
And quotes. Quotes make things good.

And poems.

Here’s one by Amanda Bradley

Follow your dream...
Take one step at a time and don't settle for less
Just continue to climb.
Follow your dream...
If you stumble, don't stop and lose sight of your goal
Press to the top.
For only on top can we see the whole view
Can we see what we've done and what we can to
Can we then have the vision to seek something new
Press on.
Follow you dream.

See?? My craziness makes me happy. No wonder I’m always smiling :L

Here, this is from Karen’s blog:

"I believe laughing is the
best calorie burner. I believe in kissing,
kissing alot. I believe in being strong when
everything seems to be going wrong. I believe
that happy girl's are the prettiest girls.
I believe that tomorrow is another day,
& i believe in miracles."

Hehe

‘Don’t ever ask me for reasons why I live for you. I just do.’

Boyblab

Ok, too bad, I wanna blog about him again, cuz he’s my every thought, so you guys just go read my other blog for today so you don’t feel like killing me.
You’re kinds perfect, you’re kinds everything im not…
But I wish I was.
You’re the me I wish I could be but never had the guts
I keep saying this, but I need to re-iterate it
Because I want you to know why I’m so bloody clingy
And why I can’t let go
Even though I should
You know what I hold onto??
I’ll tell you:
I feel like I’ve stuffed up.
With life.
I mean, sure, maybe it’s self-esteem issues, or whatever. But I’m pretty sure I stuffed up. This isn’t how I was supposed to turn out, I did it all wrong.
But you? You did everything right. You ended up as the perfect me. The right person. And you know how people always say “If you were someone else, would you be your friend?” I always think no, cuz I’m a bitch. But when you talk to me, it’s like… maybe I haven’t stuffed up as much as I thought I had. Because if the person I should be still thinks I’m okay, then maybe I am okay.
I don’t even care if that makes sense, because I don’t need it to make sense to anyone but me, or to anything but my heart.
That’s just how things are.

I’m still holding onto that tiny bit of me that wishes I could be you.Because even though things are usually pretty stuffed up in your life (and so say all of us), you must get some self-satisfaction out of knowing that you’re a good person. That you try hard, and you do the right thing.

Drama/stress

Today’s word: trepidation
What it means: alarm or agitation
Why I care: I saw it in mX. (Yes, I got mX today!!!!! [Of course you’re jealous])

Today’s 6 words: Someone stop me. Shut me up. – October

Okay, so we’re doing our ‘Life on a String’ performance (probably) for our year assemblies in week 9, and all you lucky year 9ers get to watch.
Problemo: we don’t remember our script.

Ok, well, it had three parts, and I remember my part. I also remember Imogen’s part (most of it) and half or Pradeepti’s part (sure, my memory’s crazy, I think it’s my OCD). But can Pradeepti remember the rest of hers?? Oh no!!! She’s so silly that she couldn’t even remember the bits I was writing. *shakes head*

So I asked my sister if she recorded it, cuz I was sure she did. But no… I was just imagining things. So then I sent an email to Mo asking if she kept the script or if she remembers it, and I’ll see how that goes.

And you guys know how I stress, yeah? Like at camp, at the music thingo, I was stressing when I couldn’t remember the songs? Yeah, well, although I remember at least 75% of the script, I am stressing to the max about the rest of it.

_____________________________________________________

I should be writing my English report/doing my Geo thing, but I’m too stressed. I’ll finish Geo tonight, but I dunno if I’ll get a chance to write the whole page for English.
*sigh* Why am I so crazy??

____________________________________________________

Ok, umm, here’s something Jenny said to El in music that was really funny (yesterday)

J: So when’s your birthday?
E: October 30th
J: October… November… October November, it’s passed??
E: You were at my birthday party!!!
J: Oh yeah!!

Lol.

Random shit of the day!

I have a Whole Lot Of Shit to post on this thingy
Like, I've already written the next 10 blogs.
I only need to blog everyday up to next week, so I'm not gonna need em all, so I might combine bits from all of them into this one.


PART ONE:

Found on Miish’s page.

Write down what you want to say to ten people, but never will. Don’t write their names, leave it anonymous and never speak of it again.

Person 1. – You know I’ve been working o building our friendship since the beginning of the year when I first laid eyes on you. I gave up about half way through when you lost interest in playing our stupid game anymore, but after camp, I wanna try again. I know you’d be a good friend for me, and I for you. Please give it a go… I just wanna understand you.
Are you complimenting me? Hm. Interesting. – weasleyswizardwheezes

Person 2. – I think you’re being very selfish about this decision you’re making. It’s not even your decision to make because it influences everyone around you, and you clearly don’t deserve that power. I thought you were a better a person, but you hurt my friends and you don’t care. I’m trying to forgive you, but it’s so hard for me.
Close ones crying – kills me inside. – randomperson

Person 3. – You have GOT to stop being so damn self-centred. Sure, that’s a little hypocritical of me, but I have a blog, so I get to judge people. Life is not always about you, and you should actually LISTEN to people when they’re trying to tell you something, not just talk about your own problems, because when something is wrong, I expect to be able to tell you about it without feeling like I’m impending on time we should be using to talk about you.
this is no fairytale......its life – reneigh

Person 4. – Ok, just a little piece of advice. I don’t want you to let it go. I WANT to talk about my problems, you just need to get me to open up a little. I’m willing to tell you everything, and you know that, but I won’t tell you stuff you’re not interested in hearing. Ask me if you have something you want me to tell you. You know I will.
Tear me open; see my soul. – ThrivingViolet

Person 5. - Thankyou for putting some effort into our friendship, I truly appreciate that. (Not that needs effort, for some reason, it's really natural). That's basically all I want to say, 'thanks', but... I dunno, I'll never say it to you. THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU.
You Make Our Connection Absolutely Right – MirrukuChii

Person 6. - I don't like what you're doing, couldn't you tell that it would hurt her? And yet, you did it anyway. Well that is NOT OKAY with me. I don't know how to stop you, but I will try very hard to find a way because she didn't deserve that!
Everyone close to you, hurts you - ThrivingViolet

Person 7. - I feel sorry for you, but I don't want to. I WANT to tear you to pieces, because I know I have that power. It's weird to feel so violent, but I like it. You don't deserve my sympathy. If I didn't have a conscience, I would hurt you like I know I can. You're hurting EVERYONE I love, and you don't care, because someone hurt you, and you can't deal with it. I do feel sympathetic, but I don't like you attitude.
I hope it gives you hell. – shelled

Person 8. - I can't do it. I know I said I'd put in the effort for you, but I can't do that. I can't because I'm not you, I don't have your will-power or determination to do what you think is best. I know what's best for me, and I can't do it, because I have something you lack, and that is understanding. Sure, I would love to do exactly what you ask of me and never look back, but I won't; because both of us deserve better than that.
Stop talking, stop asking. Just listen. - October

Person 9. - Contrary to popular belief, I am NOT a joke. PLEASE don't treat me like one. It's not funny that I get annoyed when I see you, it's not funny when I burn with rage. I'm hurting, and you're laughing, and I don't like it at all. I'm more than that.
I cried, he laughed. Ugh, jerk. – sk8hotti

Person 10. - I know how hard you're trying to do the right thing, I really do. But maybe, you could be more objective. Step outside yourself to do this better, because you're not doing anythig right. In fact, you're all wrong. Change. For me.
Just a girl with some problems. - coulda.been.a.comet

----------------------------------------------

PART TWO:

Regulars.

Today’s vocab word: Abnegate
What it means: To refuse or deny oneself
Why do I care? Because it’s something I should try, I’m too selfish.

Today's 6 words:
You get me thinking. Bad move. – October

Uh, here, just a link to a nice blog post, not an actual blog, just a cute post. http://coloradolady.blogspot.com/2008/11/colors-that-layer-heart.html

--------------------------------------------

PART THREE:

Random

“An optimist is a person who sees only the lights in the picture, whereas a pessimist sees only the shadows. An idealist, however, is one who sees the light and the shadows, but in addition sees something else: the possibility of changing the picture, of making the lights prevail over the shadows.” Just something nice :)

And here, I'll write this thing down, cuz it's like, in me, and I always write what I feel. Even though it's irrational, and in a few minutes I have a mood swing and feel different.

Maybe it wasn’t fair on either of us. Maybe it wasn’t fair on anyone around us either, because I know that I influenced them too. But it hurt too much to contain to myself. I guess, I put a lot of myself into creating something beautiful, and I wasn’t ready to give it away.
But after everything, I was left with a torn family, broken promises, and only a piece of something that I used to have all of.
Still like that I guess.
Especially with the family.
And I still remember all your promises. Including the ones you’ve kept. And the ones you broke instantly.
And that little piece that I have… it’s dulled a lot, by comparison. It doesn’t shine as much, and I wish I could give it back, because it belongs to you, not me. Only I can’t give it back, because I’ll never take back mine.

So of course it made us hurt people; when two people are pulling at something that gets cut, they both fall over, and when other people are holding on to them, everyone falls over. At least, that’s the best metaphor I can think of.

There’s really no point to this, other than to convince myself that I did the right. Or at least that what I did was okay, or understandable. I guess, if you did the same thing, I can accept that it was right. But, if I truly believed that, I wouldn’t still be trying to covince myself, would I?

Familylife

Always better with writing than speaking. – coulda.been.a.comet

I feel like writing about something I don’t normally blog about, because it’s a little too personal. But I want my blog readers to know EVERYTHING, so here, read and enjoy:

At least Dad has recognised the problem, but he doesn’t express himself very well. Idiot. She’s so upset now. What he MEANT was that she really shouldn’t be worrying too much about changing the house when the two of them have been sleeping in different rooms for three years. What he SAID was that she’s “too focused on materialistic things” and that she “cares more about the house than the home”.

At least he’s finally realised the problem, right?
Although I’ve only recently come to terms with it. And I think my sister has too, so ‘opening up old wounds’ suddenly has so many different meanings in my life.
You guys don’t realise that not telling me stuff hurts me more.
Sure, you’re scared that if you say something it will cause me to think about it and all the connotations associated with it, but that’s my problem!

I want to know anyway. Tell me anyway. Deal with problems head on. Because Nikki and I have run out of ways to deal with this. IGNORE IT is as far as we've gotten.
I don't know how you want me to deal with this, but you guys had better sort yourselves out, cuz you KNOW we can't just go on like this.

5 things you don't know about me.

Okay, here’s some serious karma for you. On the weekend, my mum said I could chuck a sicky yesterday (as I actually went to school on Friday) and what happens? I get sick! Yesterday and today! Soo not fair, I NEVER jig, how smelly.

Moving on.

Tagged by Amy, but took a while to actually post.

From Amysaurrr to Ebony

[Five things about Ebony that relatively few people or blog readers know:]

1. Ever since I started my blog, I love telling people secrets, now I keep hardly anything to myself, I tell you guys everything, if you read my blog, you’re in my head. I give you the opportunity to see everything, it's up to you to take that opportunity and understand me.

2. I fall in love a lot easier than you guys realise. Because I only tell you if it becomes big (i.e. overwhelming or semi permanent). But there are about 20 guys in our grade who I have, if only for a few seconds, fallen for. (I would name you them, but at least 2 read this blog, and at least 5 are complete idiots)

3. I relate better to people who have experienced depression. This is because they understand me when I get moody, or when I have things I need to tell them about. I often fall into depression, especially when spending time by my self, or in some sort of personal crisis.

4. I’m ashamed of many different parts of myself. These are the parts I joke about the most. Like, all my jokes about being cool and awesome are because, in primary, I had really really low self esteem, especially since people were always putting me down. Now that people agree with me about being cool, even if they’re kidding, I feel better, so I joke about everything that hurts me. It does actually help.

5. When people tell me they love me, I go all warm and fuzzy inside. Even my family, who tell me multiple times each day, make me feel special when they say they love me. I think that’s because I’m more of an honest person now, and it feels nice to understand how people feel.

Uhhm, tagging Uyen, Allan, Lizzie… you know what, no one reads my blog. If you’re sad enough to be reading this, I tag you!

Random. I'm sick, leave me alone.

Today’s vocab word: Abhor
What it means: To loathe/hate
Why I care: Allan used it in his poem :) and I was curious… ta da!

Today’s 6 words: Happy endings are just unfinished stories. – LoveMeEasy

I was watching star dust today. So beautiful, but it ended with the words “happily ever after”, and that made me cry :P weird, huh? That something so beautiful can also be a reminder of how ugly the world is. Okay, okay, I’m going all DNM again, I’m very sorry, I’ll just leave it at this: stardust is cool :):)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
OK, I’m gonna go now
Because I’m sick
And if there is ever a time that you should be relieved from prioir NaBloPoMo commitments, it is when you’re sick.
Ciao

Songs :)

Busy today, autoposting, only got time for song lyrics



The Show - Lenka


I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why

Slow it down
Make it stop
Or else my heart is going to pop'
Cause it's too much
Yeah, it's a lot
To be something I'm not


I'm a fool
Out of love
'Cause I just can't get enough

I'm just a little bit caught in the middle
Life is a maze and love is a riddle
I don't know where to go I can't do it alone I've tried
And I don't know why


I'm just a little girl lost in the moment
I'm so scared but I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

Bruises - Chairlift

I tried to do handstands for you
I tried to do handstands for you
Everytime I fell you on yeah everytime I fell
I tried to do handstands for you
But everytime I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you

I tried to do handstands for you
I tried to do handstands for you
Everytime I fell on you yeah everytime I fell
I tried to do handstands but everytime I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for
You-ooo etc...
For you-ooo etc...
So black and blue-oooo etc...
For you-ooo etc...

I grabbed some frozen strawberries so I could ice your bruising knees
But frozen things they all unfreeze and now I taste like....
All those frozen strawberries I used to chill your bruising knees,
Hot July ain't good to me
I'm pink and black and blueI got bruises on my knees for you
And grass stains on my knees for you
Got holes in my new jeans for you
Got pink and black and blue

Got bruises on my knees for you
And grass stains on my knees for you
Got holes in my new jeans for you
Got pink and black and blue for you

OKAY ppls, bye bye now

One Last Cry - Westlife

My Final Goodbye

Note to all boys: I quit. - 133222

this is it. my last blog about you. promise. you know why? cuz i have bigger fish to fry
ive finally straightened out my priorities
and instead of being irrationally and unrequitedly in love with you, i shall focus on more important things

so here i am to say goodbye
to say "i'll being seeing you" and walk away
because i dont wish you were here anymore
i dont love you, i dont like you
i dont even care about you as much as i used to

it really was surprisingly easy to get over you

i guess it's like amy said, it's easier if there's another guy
and there was, for about 24 hours
and then i gave up on both of you
and now im happy... enough.

im single and loving it
im glad that i liked you, and i dont regret the time i spent wishing you were mine
because back then, you truly were a good person to me
now ive seen more of you, and i dont like the rest

im glad i loved you, and im glad i dont anymore
everything worked out well for me, everything to do with love anyway
so, i'll be seeing you

My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf,
I saw you holding hands
Standing close to someone else

Still I sit all alone
Wishing all my feelings were
I give my best to you
Nothing for me to do

But have one last cry, one last cry before I leave it all behind
I gotta put you outta my mind this time, been living a lie
I guess im down to my last cry...cry

I was here, you were there
I guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you
I need some love to rain on me

Still I sit all alone
Wishing all my feelings were
Gotta get over you
Nothing for me to do

But have one last cry, one last cry before I leave it all behind
I gotta put you out of my mind this time, been living a lie
I know I’ve gotta be strong cause why I’m in love goes on and on and on and on, oh

(Instrumental)

Im gonna dry my eyes right after I have my

One last cry, one last cry before I leave it all behind
I gotta put you outta my mind for the very last time, been living a lie
I guess im down
I guess im down
I guess im down to my last cryyyyyyyyy, ooh

I'm Back!

You want you 6 words and you KNOW it
Lying on rooftops, contemplating the world - redteacup

ok, im back.
after my lovely CAMP!! and my birthday, i am back.
i have a few things lined up to blog about over the next few days
e.g
1. Best Frieds :)
2. My Final Goodbye
3. Friends @ camp.
4. My Birthday
5. Australian Idol
...etc

BUT for the next few days ill be really busy what with going out for dinner, spanish school, staying the weekend w/ my aunty and my birthday lunch with family
so i shall maybe autopost a little bit of this stuff in advance, like, say, today?

ok, blog numero uno ~ Best Friends :)

19-11-08 11am

Now that's just not right.
You shouldn't be my life ANYMORE.
And I don't even mean in a romantic way, I mean, my whole life shouldn't be about us being friends.
Because it is!

You know why I took that leap of faith?
Because I made a deal with God
(yes, I have prgressed to fully-fledged insanity)
I made a deal, that if I trusted my entire life to a piece of rope; He owed me.
He owed me you.
We have to able to be friends again
Because I need you back, and God promised.

This is when I decided not to put this on bebo.
This is when I decided that you are my entire life.
This is when I decided, that I've stopped caring.
Stopped caring what my friends think.
Stopped caring what my parents think.
Stopped caring that my 'criminal' jacket actually tells the truth.
Stopped caring that I'm doing the wrong thing, that I always do the wrong this.

Because God owes me.
And all I want is you.

still 19-11-08 4pm

Changed my mind...I think.
I shouldn't want you that much.
It's unhealthy.
I'm sure there's heaps more things I could be focusing my attention on
But did i?? Oh no!

"Here Ebony, fall down this cliff"
"Oh sure, God, all I want is my best friend back"

That's just not right... and yet, it feels right.

How can something feel right and wrong at the same time?
More to the point, how can something BE right and wrong at the same time?
Or is it just wrong, and it only feels right because I want it so much.

20-11-08

OK, the way I see it I have two options

Option 1. - the RIGHT option, yes ebony, yes it is.
I stop talking to you altogther. i walk away, and i destroy us both
i know how hard it was for you to forget me, and i know how you held on
i know how easy it was for me to forget you, but you're just a better person than me, ok?
and i knew it would hurt you to lose me, beause, well, i saw how you were with 36636422
so what, i just do that to you again?

you are an amazing person. you are a perfect person, you do EVERYTHING right
you always do what is better for other people, and you always listen to adults, because well, you are one (okay, maybe i shouldnt remind myself of that fact)
so, do you truly deserve to be walked out on again?
i know you've had it tough in your life, and i wanted to be the only person to never fail you
but i did
and i regret it, can i live with hurting you again?

or am i just trying to talk myself out of this option so i can pick the wrong one?
but... i cant hurt you. not again.

Option 2. - the WRONG option, hear that? wrong! with capitals!
i ignore what everyone feels is the best thing for me
and i start talking to you again
i destroy my relationship with my mother, as well as the only bit of trust ive managed to build with her over the past year
i do what i want
with no regard for other people and their feelings
i let myself yself be your friend again
fully aware that i WILL fall in love with you again
and fully aware that that IS illegal.

21-11-08
i was happy again for a second this morning, but then i remembered last time i was happy
and i remembered that i hadnt figured out my situation with you yet
and i remebered that i didnt have a solution
and i said byebye to my happiness

i WANT to be happy again
sure, i know i dont deserve it!
but i want it, and i usually get what i want

sure, im selfcentered
i know, deep down, that i dont deserve happiness, because i am such an awful person
but i also know that you are perfect, and you DO deserve happiness
but do i only think that this will make you happy because it will make me happy?
and if not, do I have to choose between your happiness and everyone else's?
and so now, i sit here, typing away, not knowing which option to choose
just knowing that i cant hurt you again...
i cant hurt myself again...
i cant hurt my family again...

but also knowing that i will hurt ALL of them.

Hippiness/Love/DNMs

Ok, I have this thing, right? Everytime I time I see a sunrise or sunset, it think it’s a sunrise. Maybe I’m an idiot, maybe I’m blind, but of course I have this really deep and meaningful way of looking at things: 

 I don’t believe in endings, only beginnings.

 See? It was cheesier than you thought it would be. 

 But now, when I see them, I think they’re sunsets. 

You want me to be DNM again?? Yeah? You know you love it.

 I’ve realised that all good things come to an end, and eventually, things end more often than they begin. 

 I’m SUCH a hippie, aren’t I?

 *sigh* 

 I love my hippiness, and be honest, you do too! 

 loveLOVElove. 

It’s become my whole life, huh? My every thought, my every BLOG, so weird. I mean, not totally unusual for me, I’m such a LOVEly person :)

Its been on my mind so much lately, though. I try so hard to tell myself that it doesn’t matter. But it does, of course it does. Love = life. Well, for me anyway. I know that’s wrong, I know that it should be a little less significant in the grand scheme of things. But it’s not, and for me, it never will be. 

 I fall in love too easily. Some people are jealous of that… but they shouldn’t be, because, it’s soo confusing. And then you feel all slutty. But, like, it’s genuine. Sorta. So that’s ok, right?

I dunno, I still feel like an idiot. 

 Ugh, this is so smelly. 

I get back from camp today. But I have to go to work at 5, so I dunno if I have time to blog, so I'm gonna autopost his one too, like Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday when I will be (by now WAS) at camp.

 Weird to think that by the time you guys read this, camp will be over, I will be 15, things will be different. Time is so strange, where does it go? If no one is in a room, does it disappear?? 

 Hmmm. Ok, just before I leave, I need to give you guys a really funny mental picture. My are getting me a PS2 for my bday, and singstar. But they didn't know if it worked, so they tried it out! My Dad won! They both got tone deaf *shakes head* Then again, my mummy, like me, sings flat. So I can understand. 

 And my Dad was probably so unused to actually knowing the words to the song...