I want to be a Sim

I want to be a Sim, living in my Sim house with my Sim dog working everyday at my Sim job that doesn't require a Sim degree. I want life to be a series of hunger and energy and fun bars that I just need to fill to be happy. I want to water my Sim plants and stock my Sim fridge with my Sim vegetables and I want to only know four people and never have to see them, only call them to maintain our friendships. I want to be able to afford my Sim house almost the moment I move out of home and I want to spend all my Sim money on pretty plants and fancy televisions and really, really comfortable beds. I want to open a Sim business and sell my Sim paintings that I paint on the side, just for a bit of fun. I want to fall in Sim love and get Sim married at my house, in the backyard, with only my four friends present. I want a cheat to turn aging off so I can live forever young and beautiful until I decide that I'm ready to grow old. I want a cheat to give me as much money as I need to buy the house I've always wanted. I want a cheat that changes the time to give me that extra hour in the day that I need to have breakfast before work.

Who are you?

I'm the girl who is always dreaming, waiting for tomorrow to bring a better day. My mind full of possibilities and if onlys and one days. I promise you that the future will be better but everything can only ever disappoint. I wish I didn't disappoint.



I count the ways I let you down
On my fingers and toes but I'm running out
Clever words can't help me now
I grip you tight but you're slipping out



I'm the boy your mother warned you about, here to break your heart. To tell you that you mean the world to me and two days later tell you I'm in love with someone else. The boy who can't make up his mind and doesn't know what he wants but right now I'm so sure it's you.




Sometimes honesty is the worst policy
Happy ever after, happy ever after
Let it go, you never need to know
I'm going to be picking up all of these tiny little pieces
Tiny little pieces of your heart, won't do it anymore




I'm the girl your mother never warned you about. And wasn't that a big mistake? Because you've fallen in love with me so many times that your favourite songs sound like me. And you wish you could let go but that ship sailed a long time ago.

All the pain you tried to hide
Shows through your mascara lines
As they stream down from your eyes
And let them go, let them fly
Holding back won't turn back time
Believe me I've tried

And I'm the boy you wish you could love. Stuck in a cycle that you wish you could break. Because I've fallen in love so many times I've given up on the world. And you want to hold me and say that one day someone will treat me right. But you know it's all a lie.

The recipe for happiness

And I keep thinking "it's ok, it's ok, everything is ok" but I'm worried I'm just lying to myself... How does it become so hard to be ok? I swear I'm so much happier during uni break...

I want to be able to curl up with a blanket and a cup of tea and actually learn things, you know? Not do the bullshit assignments that uni sets that don't teach anything and not read their useless notes about all the tiny details that don't matter because they're not the point. How is it so hard to teach the big picture? I love physics and I love learning but I'm not enjoying my degree and that is really upsetting.

There's a line between holding onto the things you like even through adversity and not being willing to let go of things that are hurting you... And I've never been much good at finding it...

The thing is that I have this perfect recipe for happiness that is all about not expecting too much and smiling a lot and make lists so things don't stress me out and set aside time for doing me related things and ask for help and offer help and stop waiting to be happy or saying it will happen after something and do all these things and they work and I smile and things are good. I just feel like I'm not doing them all very well at the moment or like I somehow need something more

Going through old diaries like going through old thoughts and feeling the nostalgia for things I never liked that much at the time. And imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia because it makes you warm and fuzzy about things that will never warm nor fuzz you. But you always perceive everything else to be perfection and now to be awful but the truth is that maybe everything is going just fine for you now and maybe the future won't hold anything better. But you hold on, because unlike imagining the past, the future hasn't disappointed you yet

Things I wish I had time for:
Listening to music
Walking my dog
Washing my clothes on sunny days
Making food for uni
Watching TV shows I like
Buying things I like
Spending time with people
Seeing my family
Playing with my Sims
Tidying my room
Going to bed early

I wish I had held onto you enough to check if you're ok. To know if you ever could be. I actually feel guilt for all the people I can't help and that suggests a level of responsibility that is beyond what is necessary. And yet here I sit, in between assignments, trying to figure out how, or even if, I can help.

Hi, my name is Ebony, and I stress about things that haven't yet happened to people I haven't yet met

Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder
Oh but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess
That I'm only holding on by a thin, thin thread.


I feel like a disappointment 75% of the time to 95% of the people I care about.

The future

And I am really excited about the future. I'm happy for autumn to bring its crunching leaves and hot chocolate and blankets, I'm happy to get home to a warm dinner and wake up to a warm shower but I don't want to wake up on cold mornings and I don't want to walk home when it's cold and I hate the cold. Even at 8:30 in the morning my hands are still freezing and I don't like it, I don't like going six months of the year without being warm. I wish it could be summer forever.

And I am really excited about the future. I'm happy to start a new job and be able to devote all my time to something I really care about, I'm happy to start marking work and writing reports and doing all the things I've been looking forward to for years. But I'm worried that I'm going to be terrible at it and I'm worried about having the responsibility of all those little faces staring at me, hoping I have all the answers.

And I am really excited about the future. I'm happy to move out and find my own place and get to make my own decisions and do what I want when I want to without people complaining that I work too hard. But I don't know how I'm going to afford it because house prices just keep climbing and what seemed affordable a few years ago is now so far out of my reach that I don't know if I'll ever be able to afford to leave home.

But I'm excited about the future.

Directions

1. And sometimes it is hard, being the person that falls in love so quickly that everyone else is scared off. Sometimes it's hard to explain to people that what you feel isn't a passing whim and that you can have so much passion and devotion to a person you don't know that well. You were staring into my soul when you told me that I was one such person but I suppose I was staring into yours when I noticed that you are too.

2. How do you do that? How do you start that conversation? There are some things that are so difficult to talk about... How do you say to someone "hey, I knew you very, very well a very long time ago and you knew me too and I want to share this story with you"? Maybe sometimes you have to accept that that's a conversation that will go unspoken.

3. It's so funny, being in fourth year, taking first year classes and they all think I'm so old. Oh, to be a first year again, I wouldn't do it for all the good in the world. I don't know how I've managed to pass all my subjects but so far it has happened and it would truly be torturous to go through some of them again.

4. It feels like a really large chapter of my life will be ending at the end of this year and I am scared and excited to see what the next one holds. Up to this point, I've always had a plan of where I wanted to be, I picked my high school in year two and my uni in year nine and didn't change my mind on either. But when uni ends, I won't have a choice in where I go and that worries me. I want to be successful and I want to be happy but I don't feel like I know how... Is it even in my control?

5. I really do hope that this semester is as easy as I've been telling myself it is because I've taken on a fairly large workload between work and tutoring and an online uni course. However, week one isn't over yet and I've already starting work on two assignments despite being a little sick (but recovering quickly!) so if I keep my productivity at this level, there shouldn't be an issue.

6. I feel like I need to write a list of all the things I want to do and all the things I want to be and achieve so I don't feel like I'm wasting my time. My life feels so long and beautiful but my childhood felt like that too and now it seems a lifetime ago. Where to go from here...

That beautiful moment

I suppose some people like planned moments with beautiful clothes and candles and a fancy dinner and a surprise. But to me, the moment was perfect, with free dinner and outfits that were lacking and no planning. No thought. Other than that it was what you wanted. At that moment. That beautiful moment. And it was the surprise I never saw coming. It was a hug that never ended. And the surprise lasted a good 24 hours before I could get my head around it. But I have. And it is right. Thank you for being right.

This is the way I always wanted it to end up but was too afraid to say because people give you That Look and you say "oh I'm only kidding" and they look relieved and you just want to scream that it's not unreasonable and it's not naive and you're not too young to know what you want and to know who you want to be. Why can't people just accept that this is what I want? Why does this have to be a fantasy reserved for silly little girls who don't know what they're talking about and don't understand the world? Why does everyone else's opinion matter so much that I can't just say what I think? Why?

I want to start making so many plans but I'm so terrifying of scaring you...

Choosing Happy

For so long I thought I had fucked everything up and that I would never get another chance again or that I would never be allowed happiness or deserve happiness or that fixing things depended on other people or that being around the people with good lives would improve my life or make me more deserving of a good life but I don't think that's true anymore. Yeah, I've made some mistakes but they've been the mistakes that led me here. They are things I should have said or things I should have done but I'm ok with not having done them. I thought maybe the problem was me but the truth is I was hanging around people who were willing to hurt me and although I may have chosen to talk to those people, I did not choose to get hurt, and I cannot have expected to see it coming. Yes, things could have been different if I made different choices but I'm ok with being where I am. And I don't let people hurt me anymore. And that is a lot tougher than it sounds, and it means I've pushed away some close friends and even family members for just saying the wrong thing, but I think I've made the right decisions.

For so long I thought it would be impossible to be happy, but now I realise that happiness is in the choices I make every day. And I choose to be happy. Yeah, I'm stressed, but I'm also happy. I'm glad I am where I am now and I'm glad I made the sacrifices that led to this moment. Because I believe that I deserve it. And I believe everyone deserves it. Ans if there are people interfering with your happiness, you have to let them go, even if it's hard, even if it's forever.

#3 Things I Hate About Valentine's Day

1. People feeling the need to brag about relationships. This is particularly heightened by facebook and people posting photos of flowers or even worse their dinner.
2. Single people feeling inadequate. Why is there a day where people determine their self worth based on their relationship status.
3. Flowers and chocolates and teddy bears everywhere. And everything is pink. And the teddy bears and really ugly.
4. People thinking PDA is acceptable. Or worse, they think it is cute. When is actually disturbing and unacceptable.
5. People thinking sex is mandatory. Like I have issues with this 365 days of the year but Valentine's day is so much worse because suddenly it becomes impossible to spend a day together without expectations from each other and society and yuck ewwy.
6. Pressure to buy presents for your significant other. This also applies to birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries. Etc.
7. Suddenly it is socially acceptable to ask people their relationship status. "Do you have a Valentine?" Is a question that should be made illegal due to invasion of privacy.
8. Any rose that is not red is dismissed as your partner being cheap. Not your partner thinking you like the other colours more.
9. A single rose suddenly costs $10, which is normally the cost of a small bouquet. And cards can be like $10+ which is pathetic for what is literally some cardboard and ink.
10. Traffic. Queues everywhere. People going places. People being busy. People blowing you off. People.

#2 Things more important than feminism

As my laptop is currently (still) being a complete and utter piece of shit, today's post comes from my darling phone, Newton.
This is a list of issues that I think are more important and relevant to our society than feminism.

1. Racism. Although much more prevalent in countries like the united states, racism is a major problem in our country. Particularly with all the hype coming up around Australia day and all the people who feel that Australia day is lost, it is evident that many people in this country have a large problem with non-white Australians. Which is ridiculous. Because white Australians were the ones who brutally stole the land in the first place so I don't see what the problem is with learning to share.

2. Classism. Huge inequalities exist between classes, even within Sydney. If you were to compare the money, the schools, the opportunities of students from different areas, you would be amazed at what rich children get that other don't. By the age of 5, a student of high socio economic status will have heard 30 million more words than a child whose parents are on welfare. This creates a gap on reading levels that is virtually impossible to overcome. Before even entering school, these students can be several grades behind.

3. Indigenous disadvantage. In many developed countries, but particularly in Australia, indigenous people suffer huge disadvantage in relation to education, health care and more. Starting with language and cultural barriers, it is very difficult for indigenous children to reach the same stage as white non-indigenous children in regards to education and employment. This is unacceptable.

4. Health care. Although most of Australian health care is heavily subsidised, it is still very expensive for many citizens to have surgery or even take an ambulance to hospital. This means that classism extends to health care, making richer people healthier.

5. Asylum seekers. Even disregarding the small number of asylum seekers being ill treated by our government for choosing to take a boat to our country, asylum seekers allowed into our country are not given the necessary support to set up a life here. Many of these individuals have suffered extreme trauma and require additional health services to those of ordinary Australians. Unfortunately, it is these people that have the least access to resources due to language barriers and financial restraints.

6. Binge drinking. It is the culture of gen y and now gen z to drink for the sole purpose of getting drunk. Excessive alcohol intake is linked to increased violence, as well as increased health issues. This toxic culture of binge drinking places unnecessary strain upon our health care system.

7. Religious attacks. Although this also plays a part in Australian society, it is mainly of concern in the middle east. This is a complicated issue with no simple solution but more effort needs to be made to make peace in this region before it escalates into another world war.

8. Violence. Domestic violence, violence due to alcohol, and even guys just wanting to prove how big and strong they are; this issue take many forms and none of them are pretty. The concept that people want to cause physical harm to other people is very disheartening but stems from a number of causes. Violence is a difficult issue to deal with because it is not really about the larger views of society, nor is it fixable by simply pumping in more money. This issue needs to be looked at more carefully to be dealt with.

9. Child abuse. So this is mainly an issue in developing countries where children are used as slaves, forces to work for most of their live, or forced into combat as soldiers. Often this changes their entire life view and it is very difficult to repair the damage even after they are taken from toxic environments. And let's not even get into child abuse in our own country because that stuff is terrifying and sad.

10. Animal cruelty. Cruelty to animals kept as pets, cruelty to animals forced to breed to make pets, cruelty to farm animals on a day to day basis, cruelty to animals during their killing for human consumption. Humans deciding that they are more important than every other animal on the planet. Humans. Humans are such an issue...

And that is why I am not a feminist, thank you and good night.

#1 Things that shit me

I have some lists...
Because I feel like my mind works better in dot points.
I call this first list
"Things that shit me":

1. Girls. Girls who say “I’m fine” when they’re not fine. Girls who say “it’s ok” when it’s not ok. Girls who get upset with guys for not reading their fucking minds.
2. Men. Men who say “I can change” or “I’m not the person I was”. You haven’t changed, you are the same person, and you shouldn’t be begging for the attention of someone who needs you to change anyway.
3. People who complain about being overweight but eat junk food and refuse to exercise and then tell other people off for being skinny or for telling them not to eat chocolate or whatever.
4. People who can’t use correct grammar. Like not even 100% of the time. I don’t care if you end sentences with prepositions or use commas instead of semicolons. I would, however, like to be able to read what you’re writing. If your sentence is five lines long and it has no commas then you are doing it wrong and we can’t be friends.
5. Religion. Religion and religious people drive me insane and I wish they didn’t but I want to throw up every time someone quotes the bible on facebook. I feel like every horrible thing that has even been has been done with religious intentions. Good intentions, yes, but religious intentions. Like if people stopped caring what god thought and started caring about themselves and each other then maybe the world would be a little nicer.
6. Vegetarians/vegans with a superiority complex that don’t know anything about animal product/bi-product industries. Or that don’t understand anything about animals. Like the thing you don’t understand is that the cow is happy to stand in the field all day and eat grass and then come and eat some grain while it is being milked. It is not a prison cell. It is a home.
7. People that think that time heals all wounds. Some wounds get worse with time. Some hatred deepens with time. Sometimes I don’t need time I need a hug and maybe some chocolate or something.
8. My iPod not allowing me to add new music without deleting all the old music because it has to sync and I’ve had to factory restore my computer since the last time I added music to it and that doesn’t mean I don’t own it, it means you’re being a prick.
9. Moral absolutism. Like you can't be a good person if you've ever done a bad thing or that it can't be a good idea if it comes from a bad person.
10. Having to code the html for this blog by hand because it can't comprehend the concept of copy and pasting formatting from a goddamn word document. Like the base 10 number system is too much for my poor computer.

I guess that would be incentivizing decency though

Post-exams

It feels like so long since I've written here because all I do now is talk to myself as I'm driving home and that helps me deal with things. And there are so many things I wish I could say but I'm never going to say them...

I get so frustrated so easily and my patience is so thin these days. Maybe there is something horrible about buying something I don't really like for more money than I want to pay just so I can say I bought something. But then maybe there's something horrible about giving someone money for their birthday and forcing them to buy a new outfit when you know they hate buying clothes.

And it's not just the trying on clothes and feeling uncomfortable and curtains never really closing and where do you put your other clothes when you try them on, it's also the I'm a different size in every shop and the why is there a piece cut off this in such an awkward spot? and the this could do with a few more inches/metres of material and the why would I give you $100 when all you did was put some paint on some fabric?

Of course there's also the I would rather be playing pokemon because we have been training for days and we are ready for the goddamn elite four and why am I wasting my holidays in a shopping centre?

But the thing I'm ranting about here isn't even the shopping, it's not the shopping that made us sit down and look at each and decide we wanted to go home and cry. It's life. And I'm doing it all again.

I tell myself that everything will be better when exams finish because I will have Spare Time and I can spend it with people I care about but holidays go so quickly and days are so short, they get shorter every time I look. And I can't even manage to see all the people I want to see let alone play my video games.

And every holidays I tell people I want to see them and then they make plans and I hate them for ruining the time I want to spend sleeping in and playing Sims. But i go because it's Polite and frankly because I want to get it over with so I can feel like I've satisfied the Requirements of Friendship and that I can go back to doing nothing with my life without guilt.

And I complain that I have no friends but I don't even want friends because that's one more person you have to Please and you have to Make Time For. And I don't want any of that shit.

I don't even know if I'm happy right now. I literally cannot tell. What is happy?

Stresses, and things

So stresses, and things.
Because there are days when you get in your car and drive down the driveway and there is water falling from your face and you don't know why.
Or maybe you do know why on some deep level but you can't reach that level because there's all this stuff in the way.
And you've been telling yourself for so long that you're happy, you've been happy for so long.
And exams aren't stressful, are they Ebony? And you enjoy them. And you can't wait for that moment of relief as you walk into the exam room and you can almost convince yourself that that moment can come a week early.

And I don't know if that's it, I don't know if that's the reason why I feel like this.
Once my exams are over will I still feel like this?
Or will I be happy again?
Is that what happy is? Is that what happy does?

I don't know what I'm doing, why am I up all night looking at stupid random crap on the internet and not caring about... things? What is so amazing about my neopets?

I'm procrastinating like my holidays have come early and then freaking out about my exams but then every time I go to study, I know all the things... So I feel like I don't have to study?

And I don't know. I feel weird and crappy and stressy and I do this to myself all the time.
I like stress, stress makes me work.
Until the point where I can't any more.
And I don't see the point coming.
And I think I can keep going on like this forever.
Living for the future instead of for now.
Is that what I'm doing?
Sometimes it feels like it.
Living for after exams, or after uni, or after... something.

And I promised myself I wouldn't do that anymore.
I promised I would live in the now.
But there's so many things in the now.
And all I want is hot chocolate and a warm bed and some freaking neopets.
IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?

I just want to be happy.

Wonderful

So there's this realisation that I had yesterday.
Glorious yesterday.
Waking up next to you
And going bowling with you
And eating a pretzel with you
That you almost let me finish

I had this realisation
That you let me be me
You are ok
With me having my own life
And my own interests
Distinct from yours.

You don't ask me to do things
Just because you like them
You don't make me watch your movies
Or listen to your music
Or play your games
You get excited when I ask to
But you never ask me to

And I think, that's very new and different for me
To not have be anything
Except me
And I love it
I love being able to be me
And letting you be you
And not judging each other for who we are

We are very different people
And we have very different interests
And you pretend to understand physics
And I pretend to understand computer... things
And everything is wonderful
And you are wonderful



Oh my gosh Ebony, stop writing about your fucking boyfriend, we get the picture.

Let's void some warranties, my love

the worth of anything

I don't want to be the person that bugs you to talk to me anymore, that saves our conversation from peril. You aren't that important. I would rather play with my neopets.

And I've realised that maybe I made the wrong decision with you and I should have given you more of a chance. I just can't do this forever. At some point, enough is enough.

I'm sorry for getting angry at you but I'm more that you didn't care. You never care. You get pissed off, but you don't care. For once in your goddamn life, give a fuck about someone else.

"Don't be humble. You're not important enough."
I like that. I like it a lot.

And I don't know if you're modest or crazy. Maybe I just want to be you...

So you say "it's a date" and he says "no it's not it's an appointment"...

Maybe all our loneliness is just an illusion
And I could say the same about our happiness...

Sometimes life does something utterly amazing like give you a book or introduce you to someone and it's like the planets have alligned for you.
But I do take this as an indicator of what should be.
An extension on an assignment doesn't mean you leave it to the last minute...
A conversation with a friend doesn't mean you stop living your own life.

How can I be there for you when I'm so busy being there for myself?

How can anything be worth anything if it lasts forever?

Social Butterfly

So I was discussing life and the deeper parts of the universe with someone the other day (as you do) and it came up that I consider myself anti-social.

You may process that for a moment.

You see, when I am with other people, I am friendly and I am outgoing and I make an effort to meet people, talk to people, help people. I make an effort to be present.
But when people aren't there in person, I make no effort whatsoever.
I see my high school friends at birthdays if I'm lucky.
I never see my uni friends except for uni.
Hell, I barely see my dad.
Even the people I have classes with now, I don't talk to them except about uni work.

I don't talk to people.
I don't like people.
I am antisocial.

Such a weird realisation, isn't it?

I mean, I'm the person who gets excited when plans get cancelled.
And I thought that that was laziness.
But it's not.
I just don't like people.
I don't like hanging out with people.

I think, I like practical things too much.
I like discussing uni work with people.
I like teaching people.
I like discussing my thoughts on society with the Australian Nerdfighter group.
I don't like actually maintaining relationships.
So much effort.

Have a good day,

Complexities

"Let me submit to you that this is the actual definition of a good life. You want to be the kind of person who other people—people who may not even born yet—will think about in their own silences years from now at their own commencements... We may be taught that the people to admire and emulate are actors and musicians and sports heroes and professionally famous people, but when we look at the people who have helped us, the people who actually change actual lives, relatively few of them are publicly celebrated. We do not think of the money they had, but of their generosity. We do not think of how beautiful or powerful they were, but how willing they were to sacrifice for us—so willing, at times, that we might not have even noticed that they were making sacrifices."
John Green, Commencement Address at Butler University, 2013

A billion universes just wanting to be left alone

I'm glad you feel comfortable enough with our friendship to joke that we were on a date. I'm just not sure if I feel that comfortable yet. Maybe I am distancing myself from you because I don't want you to get the wrong idea? A year ago I would have been willing to go along with all of it, but things have changed since then. People have changed since then.
I like that you think I'm an essential part of your life, and that you should take me with you everywhere; you should. I like to think that I could be the voice inside your head. What is it like in your head?

---

What is it like to be in any head besides my own? The realisation that other people have lives as vivid and complex and important as my own is one which it has taken a while to make. Perhaps it is a slow realisation for everyone because it is not how humans think, or how they should thinnk. The sense of self is an extremely important part of our species' evolution as it has taught us to prioritise our own lives and feelings and needs ahead of those of others, making the stronger of us dominant. Whilst this is an ideal condition, there is something to be said for empathy.
Which I suppose is the largest conflict in my head at the moment; the entire purpose of life, in a round-about sort of way. Do we want to better society or better understand society? Do we want to give a man a fish or teach him to fish? Do we want to catch a single fish by accident, or learn the art of fishing?
Or.. do we just want to eat meat?

Maybe my life would be easier if I didn't think it was all such a huge fucking metaphor.

Thank you and goodnight.

In the Park

So, Anzac Day has always been this crazily important day for me, and it's getting moreso as the years go by. Initially it was just the anzac march thing, and then the anzac biscuit thing and then the footy and now all the little traditions we have, down to the tiny details that seem incredibly insignificant.

And I love that. I love all the crazily excessive stuff we do, I love that the traditions have built when my family has been falling apart and I love that Anzac day is such a special thing for me. As I tend to put it, it's as close to a religious holiday as I get.

This year, again, it was a beautiful day of happiness and sadness and shock and pride and all the feels. I never want to stop feeling what I feel and how I feel it. I never want to stop being the girl who cries at uni as she reads a book about the most beautiful book ever written. Oh to feel this utter joy.

---

Which brings us to the nerdfighter gathering today (a transition you can't see because you don't understand the significance of failing families and religious contexts to nerdfighteria, and you don't have to[fuck off google chrome, nerdfighter is a word! It's a thing, ok?]). The gathering was sunshine and music and chatting and costumes and bear hugs with people I've never met. It was holding hands as we put money in the collection bucket and laying on the grass together. It was feeling at home and comfortable with people that most would consider total strangers to me. It was evaluating the importance of music to society and discussing hsc subjects and nerdfighter like and everything that is good. It was seeing people I haven't seen since primary and making tentative plans with people from other countries who'd better keep their asses in Sydney long enough to have coffee with me. It was being on someone's list. It was lying on the ground to see someone's face to check if they were ok, even though we've never met.

The nerdfighter gathering was everything I love about the world and everything I love about Sydney. It was everything I love about science and everything I love about education. It was explaining the concept of triple integrals and discussing different forms of intelligence. It was a reminder of what it is to have privilege and to want to eradicate privilege from the world. It was having best friends whilst being completely alone.

I hope that over time I attend many more of these beautiful gatherings and meet many more wonderful people and nerdfighter noobs. I hope I never forget to be awesome.

Goodnight my sweets.

Reasons I love you

I don't love you for the butterflies in my stomach, or the flutter of my heart when you whisper in my ear. It's not the stretch of your shirt as you reach for the top shelf or the way the light hits your eyes on the bus to uni. It's not the smile on my face when I see the message is from you, or the inside jokes we have. It's not for the way you cuddle me between games in CoD or the way you shoot people trying to kill me, even though you know I'll tell you off for taking my kill. It's not because you cook me dinner when I go over after work, and serve it in one big bowl with two forks. It's not because we have identical taste in jewellery, or because you watch home shows with me and my mum. It's not because, after all this time, you feel what I've been feeling and you want a stronger commitment. I don't love you for the happy tears you make me cry, the overwhelming, I-have-never-known-joy-like-this-before tears. It's not because we're both addicted to the same colour at the same time, or because we're always thinking the same thing. It's not because you always know when I'm upset and you wipe the tears from my eyes before I know they're there. It's not when you buy the t-shirt I pick out and I buy the jacket you pick out.

It's because, when I get sad, really sad, depressed about my life direction and my place in the world, unmotivated to wake up in the morning, when I want to give up on everything, I talk to you. And I love being me, all over again. Because you give me purpose, and direction, and get me excited about my life. Because when my world is falling apart, and I feel like I can't take it anymore, I feel my pocket vibrate, and you remind me that you're thinking of me.

I love you in an over-the-top, unfathomable way.
I love you in a way that I can't figure out how to put into words.
I love you like a bee loves honey. Without the regurgitation part. With the shelter and the well-being and the co-dependence part.
I love you.


I have to stop writing now and go and study for midsems, oh life is so hard. ;)

Terms and conditions

1. We will be honest about everything, we will tell each other everything.
2. When things become difficult, we will work through them, we will not give up easily, we will talk about everything.
3. If we feel ourselves drifting apart, we will tell each other, and we will try to figure out a way to change it.
4. If we develop little crushes on other people, we'll tell each other. But we won't make them into a big deal.
5. If we fall out of love, we will tell each other.
6. We are not expecting a forever, or even the rest of our lives. For now is good. For now is right.
7. We will support each other through everything, through all the stresses in life, from uni to work to crazy families.
8. When things about you start to annoy me or vice versa, we will tell each other.

I love you.

Just close your eyes

Don't say it doesn't hurt when it does.
For, everyone who came before you let it hurt.
Everyone is allowed a bad day.
A bad week.
A bad life.
Let it hurt.
It's allowed to hurt.
Let yourself be angry.
Let yourself scream in pain.
Even the happiest people have sad days.

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Hey, there's not a cloud in sight
It's as blue as your blue goodbye
And I thought that it would rain
The day you went away...

---

You do not want me to be hurt.
And I do not want to be hurt.
But you feel a phantom pain.
I am ok.
And you being hurt for me hurts me.
And... I think... you know that.
You know that you are hurting me above all.
And yet you persist.
I cannot fathom why...

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Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long, long year
Stole many a man's soul and faith

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You have to let the world keep spinning.
And you say "But what is the point?
With every spin comes another birth, another death, another heartache.
Every spin brings another moment of pain, loss of trust, another parent burying a child.

And maybe we don't know the point.
But every other birth is just as deserving as our own.
Every heartache is as deserving as the first one we ever felt.
Every moment of pain is allowed as much as our lowest point.

So we don't stop the world, we let it spin.

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Let me whisper in your ear
Say the words you long to hear
I'm in love with you.

---

Sometimes when I'm walking around by myself I think about you and I cry.
I can't even remember the things I miss about you.
I love you more than I ever told you.
More than I ever knew.
I love you so much it tears me apart that I can't have you.
I love you like photosynthesis loves light energy.
And I don't know how to continue to be without you.

I wanted to tell him that night that I couldn't remember properly,
but I didn't.
I thought it would hurt him.
I realise now that it wouldn't.
He's amazing.
And I'm the weirdo who cries in the middle of the street.
If I could just have you back.
Just for one day...
I miss your smile and your laugh and the way you said my name.
If I could have one more hug...

---
I waited too long
To tell you how much it matters
Just to be right here with you
But I couldn't think of anything better
I should have told you so

---

When I was so upset that you were never happy, I never realised how happy I was.
Now you're ecstatic with joy and fucking hell I miss you.
Because when you were sad, you came to me for cheering up.
And now you never come to me.
And I don't have time for you.
And I just want to curl up next to you and go back to how things used to be.
When you were sad.
And I wasn't such a selfish bitch.

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