World, you suck

I had a dream about you last night.
And all you did was hug.
You just held me until I could feel nothing but you, and all the pain went away because it was replaced by thoughts of you and how you felt in my arms.
Perhaps, it was the strongest dream I've ever had, and the one I most wish would come true. Yet, the one that has the least chance of coming true. Because it's you and me, and this is how it's always going to be.
I miss you.
In a way that makes me feel small and insignificant without you.
How can I be so utterly reliant on one human being for so much of my person?
But the fact is you knew me, and you loved me for me, not for the person you thought I was, and I only ever had to be me when I was with you.
I think you still have the piece of me that you took when you left, and I think I want it back.

I don't even know where this pain came from, that I feel.
I don't even know if you could take it away.
Sometimes, I just wake up, and I feel sad for no good reason.
And maybe you've changed, or maybe in my mind I've turned you into someone that you never were. And maybe, somehow, this person that I remember you to be never existed.
But if you could hug me, I think I would know.

---



Amy showed me this picture today.
It's so very depressing that she sees this and instantly thinks of me.
Because that's who I am now, the person that hates people.
And it's all because of him, I think.

Well, I mean it started with hating him in an I-want-to-hate-you-but-you-won't-let-me-because-you're-so-nice-and-you're-not-meant-to-be-nice-and-it-was-so-much-easier-when-I-could-hate-you-because-now-it's-all-overly-complicated-and-I-feel-like-an-idiot way.
And then I went on to hating me because of how I feel about him.
And now I just hate everyone.
Which is just brilliant

Goodbye world, you suck.

None of these words are about you but some of them might apply

This is maybe the first blog I have ever written where I started with the title.
I usually add the title after I've finished the rest of the blog, and even after I've added the tags. Which is why the titles may not make sense for a lot of the time.

Anyways, getting back to today's title. It's taken from Eddplant's video "You're Not There - ORIGINAL FORM MY NEW EP!" Because at the end, when he's talking about his EP, he says "none of these songs are about you, but some of them might apply", which may be the most awesome collection of words claiming to be a sentence I've ever heard.
Also, check out that song (I don't link you places for no reason), people randomly appear, and join in with his song, on all their instruments, and it's just bloody cool. Two of his friends from the Sons of Admirals (Alex Day from the Internet and Tom "Bluer than blue, or is it Indigo?" Milsom) join him.

Speaking of the Sons of Admirals (as we always should be), I GOT MY SONS OF ADMIRALS TSHIRT ON MONDAY, which is so damn awesome that I may never take it off.
So yeah, the Sons of Admirals are trying to take to take over the world, as documented in Alex and Tom's videos, go and watch these and discover pure awesomeness.

Getting back to the title of my blog... which is words.
Beautiful, incredible, amazing words.
(With pretty picture, because, you know, the world is beautiful) (Yes Paul, despite my high expectations, and constant disappointment, I still believe the world is beautiful)



Enjoy your day!

Wasting away

I am currently undergoing a slight amount of inner turmoil.
And when I say slight, I mean it. It's not like there's anything major happening in my life. I mean, if anything, I have far too much spare time, and am spending my days wasting away on my computer. But that's okay, I haven't wasted my life in a while, and it's a nice break.

My holiday to do list:
* Buy clothes. As in, clothes that fit. =)
* Bake cookies.
* Swap my Sunday shift at work so I don't miss the grand final =S
* Rent some chick flicks to watch with Hunaiza on thurday
* Organise a time to get our group (those of us not in Japan) together
* Play neopets =)
* Blog more often. I miss this thing, haha.
* Buy some more fish =)
* Do the English speeches booklet thing.

Yeah, that's about it. Oh, and of course, vlogstalk charlie and alex. But you know, that's not going on the list because "stalk" makes it look wrong.

So, yeah, whilst I play neopets to get over my innerturmoil, I hope you guys have a brilliant holiday, and I shall blog again soon =)

Stay true

For the people in my life...

Person One
You agreed with me that one should be spelt, rather than written with numbers. But that's sort of irrelevant. Aside from your smile when you said it, which is completely relevant, because it's the smile I'm learning to hate because of the effect is has on me. I will never be enough for you. And it's not even that I will never be good enough, I just won't be enough. You don't want better you want more. You deserve more.



Person Two
I miss you. And I've been missing you for a while now, but I'm too scared to tell you because you'll give me a lecture, and I'll feel... like me. I'll feel like I'm too weak to handle anything on my own so I go running to you instead because you can handle anything. And I don't want to be that weak. So I'm not going to tell you that I miss you.



Person Three
I don't like seeing you or thinking about you too much, because it hurts. "Turned out to hurt way more than I thought it could". I didn't think it would hurt this much, it is really quite unexpected. I feel like doing things you would hate, even though you don't know I'm doing them. I feel like playing bad music really quietly.



Person Four
So when these three people got to me too much, I went to you and went completely insane. So now you talk to me ALL THE TIME. Well, you did, but now it's more me wanting to talk to you too. And when stuff starts hurts I talk to you and you make the hurt go away a bit. Which is weird, but, so nice.



Person Five
You make me feel stronger than I've ever felt before. You give me confidence to be myself because you make me feel like the person I am is a good one. I think you're sad a lot, but you don't tell me why, which upsets me, because I would really do anything to help you. I want you to feel like I feel; invincible =)


Have a good day =)

countdown

TEN HOW’S:
How did you get one of your scars?
chicken pox. i think i scratched it? and i have a stack from falling off my bike haha

How did you celebrate your last birthday?
coming home from year 10 camp :L and having a party 5 moths late (i am clearly not very high on my list of priorities)

How are you feeling at this moment?
sort of sad, but happy at the same time? i think?

How did your night go last night?
well, im too lame to go to informal so i sat at home talking to paul who is too lame to go to the formal :L

How did you do in high school?
BRILLIANTLY. ok, so, we dont need to mention english :L

How did you get the shirt you’re wearing?
uniform shop

How often do you see ur best friend?
evryday (but not in holidays D=)

How much money did you spend last month?
too much

How old do you want to be when you get married?
in my 20s (im leaving it vague :L)

How old will you be at your next birthday?
17


NINE WHAT’S:

Your mothers name?
Coralie

What did you do last weekend?
work, and birthday party thingo

What is the most important part of your life?
being happy

What would you rather be doing?
hugging someone

What did you last cry over?
a cute song <>

What always makes you feel better when you’re upset?
chocolate

What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other?
he has to make me feel better when im upset

What are you worried about?
not being the best i could be? =S

What did you have for breakfast?
i dont eat breakfast =(

EIGHT HAVE YOU’S:

Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?
rofl, of course

Have you ever had your heartbroken?
everyday :) lol, just kidding, hearts dont break, they bend. my heart is learning to be flexible

Have you ever been out of the country?
no

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
everyday :L

Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend?
yeah

Have you ever had sex on the beach?
rofl, no

Have you ever dated someone younger than you?
er, yeah

Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
yes, harry potter books when they came out, rofl

SEVEN WHO’S:

Who was the last person you saw?
my sister

Who was the last person you texted?
oh, cant be bothered to get up, probably dad? or amy?

Who was the last person you hungout with?
yr 11s at school today + robert and paul

Who was the last person to call you?
er, my sister?

Who did you last hug?
my mummy :)

Who is the last person who texted you?
dont make me get up D=
oh fine
...*gets up*...
...
...
*comes back*
it was amy

Who was the last person you said “i love you” to?
mum or nikki

SIX WHERE?S:

Where does your best friend live?
i would put her address, but you might stalk her =D

Where did you last go?
to my room to get my phone, haha, does that count?

Where did you last hang out?
at school <> in the art quad =L

Where do you go to school?
HURLSTONE =DD

Where is your favorite place to be?
in your arms ;) (actually, its true, i like hugging people)

Where did you sleep last night?
at home?

FIVE DO’S/DOES:

Do you like someone right now?
you know, i think the answer to this is yes, but its like complicated. think of it like a dipole-dipole bond (prad's idea, not mine). its not, like, what it was, which is dispersion, but its not quite hydrogen yet. so its like strong but not very strong. (i wish that analogy wasnt so appropriate :L)

Do you think anyone likes you?
no. everyone hates me =)

Do you ever wish you were someone else?
sometimes, but ultimately, im glad im me =D

Do you know the muffin man?
not personally, but yeah, we've met a few times

Does the future scare you?
yeah, i dont wanna be in year 12, let's stay in limbo :L


FOUR WHY’S:

Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)?
because she will put up with me sometimes

Why did you get a myspace?
uhm, i didnt D=
im not cool enough

Why did your parents give you the name you have?
mum saw it on tv when she was pregnant, and it worked well with the middle name they had already picked for me

Why are you doing this survey?
i saw it on amys page, and im lame, and bored

THREE IF’S:

If you could have one super power what would it be?
id be able to make other people happy :L

If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?
yeah, but i know i shouldnt, i just wonder what difference it would make (actually, it wouldnt make any difference, im just trying to convince myself that i can be good enough, but it wouldnt really change anything)

If u were stranded on a deserted island & could bring one thing what would you bring?
a boat

TWO WOULD-YOU-EVER’S:

Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you?
no, the past is the past

Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?
of course!

ONE LAST QUESTION

Are you happy with your life right now?
i guess, yeah i am. i mean, i have my moments where i get so pissed off with myself and the rest of the world that i just start screaming "I HATE PEOPLE!!" but most of the time i am actually glad that i get to be me. im starting to like me. its a slow process, but its happening.

Growing up =S

I've had this weird thing in my life lately called spare time, and I'm not quite used to it. Then again, I don't think I should get used to it before year 12, but whatever. xD

So Ebony, what's been going on in your life?

Well, last Friday I visited Dad at work again, and got to see the people that run Sydney. And I rediscovered how much I would totally love to have his job, which is really annoying. Because, basically, I could have any job in the world and I would completely love it, which makes it hard to pick exactly where I want to go.

On Sunday, my cousin's daughter turned one, and it was the first time I've seen her which is really exciting =) She's scared of me (isn't everyone?), but she's absloutely beautiful.

And yesterday, my awesome sister GRADUATED (finally) from school, which is exciting and terrifying at the same time. So yeah, I went to mass for the first time in a very long time for that, which is weird, because to me, Catholicism seems like some weird sort of cult where people continually say stuff about how brilliant and wonderful God is and that sort of weirds me out.

I've been thinking a lot about religion lately, mainly because I've come to the realisation that society has progressed far enough that it doesn't need to be dependant on religion anymore, and that only those emotionally weak need something to give them a greater purpose. (Sorry if I just completely offended anyone there, now that I think about it, it is quite offensive) I just, realise that "I am a tiny insignificant piece of carbon"

Speaking of insignificant carbon, have I mentioned Tim Minchin on this thing before? Because if not, there's something terribly wrong with me. Tim Minchin is a musical and comedic genius, not to mention a general genius. He has crazy hair and doesn't wear shoes, and he's very much in love with his wife, although he tends to bag her out, but then he writes amazing lovesongs like this, and it's just wow. And you tend to wonder how a song can be cute if it starts with "you grew on me like a tumour" but it is just increbile.

So yeah, that's my life lately, thankyou for reading, I hope you have a brilliant day!

Ebony's life anthem

Ok, so this song, is my new life anthem.
No, I can't say I've ever had a life anthem in the past.
But something in this song just picks me up and shakes me,
So life anthem it shall be.

I strongly recommend you go and check out the video, it may just be the best 3 minutes and 17 seconds of your life. So yeah, CLICK ME

This is a song about love, and not a very good one
I don’t know enough to tell you about heartbreak
But I know it’s there, and you can avoid it
By listening to your head
Which is just what I’ve done, and it isn’t perfect
But look what I’ve done instead, instead of falling for you

I’ve never really been in love and that is fine by me
I’ll sit at home and refine the person I want to be
‘Cause I’m still young and not yet prepared to waste my time
On chasing girls who are yet to fully form their minds
And I know that there’s a woman waiting, but she’s not a woman yet
So I’ll wait, and make sure I don’t do something I’ll regret

This isn’t just about love, ’cause that’s just one pixel
Of the image I’m speaking of, the one of the relationship
That we share, it’s much more important
That I learn to like you too
Though I guess before that, it’s probably vital
That I try to look for you, at least look for me

I’ve never really been in love and that is fine by me
I’ll sit at home and refine the person I want to be
‘Cause I’m still young and not yet prepared to waste my time
On chasing girls who are yet to fully form their minds
And I know that there’s a woman waiting, but she’s not a woman yet
So I’ll wait, and make sure I don’t do something I’ll regret

I could tell you that I love you all you want until I’m dry
But I can’t force myself to love you so why should I try
I’ll have to wait, and hold my chin up, and plug away at other things
Until she comes, until she comes

And I know that there’s a woman waiting, but she’s not a woman yet
So I’ll wait, and make sure I don’t do something I’ll regret

...And now it's too late

The people that run Ebony's mind went insane and this is what happened as a result:

Thoughts of you come rushing back to me, as they always do I suppose. This is where you ride in on your white horse and tell me that everything is going to be okay; you're the only person I ever believe. With you, I could never be sad. And yet, I could never be with you. So, sad it must be, for ever more.



Could it be that maybe it's our first mistake
And Baby that's alright
It's crazy how we lost ourselves tonight
There's a reason why they say that we should give it time
But time is not enough
And that's the reason why
When you're young you fall in love



And yes, I admit it, I am lonely. I don't miss you. I just miss having someone. It feels like there's no one there to care about me now, no one who is completely focused on me. I'm trying to fill that gap, and I know it's silly, but I'm drowning people in myself just to get some sort of reaction, some sort of approval.



I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you



It's like nothing really bothers me anymore. Like, I get annoyed at stuff, sure, but nothing is really a big deal anymore. Which is sort of irritating. I'm trying so hard to feel something, but somehow, there's nothing there.



Oh well I look at you and say it's the happiest I have ever been
and I'll say I feel I no longer have to be James Dean,
and She'll say,
Oh yeah, Well I feel pretty happy too,
And I'm always pretty happy when I'm just kicking back with you.



So here I am, trying to keep busy with my life, but I don't really have much to do. Which is ridiculous because all year I've been complaining about not having any time. But, seriously, what do I have to do? Homework? Because none of it really matters. Study? But what's the point? (78 people, 78). Work? But I don't even like it, not like I used to. Spend time with family? But when do they even have time for me?



I’ve been down here
Down these roads
People pass through
Some stay some go
Standing here broke
Not a penny to my name
But she says she loves me all the same
I try my best
And you do to
And all you want is something you can move to
Everybody’s gotta get their kicks somewhere
Everybody gotta fit in somewhere



It's quite an invigorating feeling, not having to do anything. I feel as if my possibilities are suddenly endless. I might learn an instrument, or make a friend, or become a better me. Or... get a scholarship? Rofl, I feel like being something greater than what I am (can't be too hard right?)



Just the other day
Somebody said to me
Hey maybe you're just slightly schizophrenic
And a little out of reach my friend
I said 'yes, that's partly true'



that person you were talking about, the person who makes everything gloom and doom, that person might just be me. i'm the catalyst in making your life hell. "i feel like one of those people that's so sad, i can't even be with the happy people anymore, as if i might infect them". -greysanatomy



Wish I could tell you there's a twist
Some kind of hero in disguise
And we're together, it's for real
Wish I could tell you there's a kiss
Like, something more than in my mind
I see it could be amazing



I want so much to impress you. I think the only reason I study so much is because when I do well, you wink at me and say "I'm proud of you", and then you smile the smile that you keep for you inside jokes with me.



Yeah, everybody loves a circus show
But i'm the only clown you'll ever know
And now you can applaud my best mistake
I love you was too many words to say



you didnt think there was anything wrong, or that his death would affect me at all, but you know what? it did. it did actually hurt. and i hate that you cant see that, and that you cant see who i am.



And I always end up regretting not waiting...

I'm still alive

Right, so, long time no post, and a lot has happened in that time.
I guess the big thing is that Victor and I broke up. Which is why my blog has been renamed "Ebony is cool". I am okay. I do not need a hug or chocolate (although both will be accepted if offered)
I've also had a physics, legal, modern, chem and english task. (Thankyou maths :L) And I did pretty well in all of them. =) The worst was probably modern which is good because I want to drop it :L, and the best is chem, which is sort of ironic.
I've worked a lot which is oh so inconvenient most of the time, but it gives me money. Which I just throw away by ACCIDENTALLY THROWING OUT MY ITUNES VOUCHER =(
I've been to Scientists' Stories at UNSW, and fallen in love. With UNSW of course. They gave me a free pen. Plus, it's damn pretty!

Speaking of UNSW, I've been to USYD and UWS this last weekend, both of which suck (maybe only because my heart belongs to unsw). UWS was more of a carnival than a uni open day. It had face painting and a petting zoo.
Talent Quest and Variety Night were last Friday. TQ was awesome, our grade is so cool it's unbelievable. And after school I went to Mac Square to get free ice cream for Katy Perry day =). Variety Night was also unbelievably cool, the atmosphere was awesome, and afterwards Amy slept over for us to talk about boys.
The dragons have been kicking ass =). Well, except that one time =L. But yeah, we're guaranteed the minor premiership, which is very cool.
YEARLYS START NEXT WEEK. Well actually, the week after next because there's none on the Friday in the draft timetable. And yeah, I'm excited, because I'm a freak and I get excited about stuff like exams.
And prefect elections were, wait, no, they haven't happened yet because our school is disorganised and can't stick to their own calendar. =L
And my ex-neighbour, Shaarn, who moved to port macquarie, moved back into my street on the weekend =) To convince herself to go to uni next year =L

And that's Ebony's life lately =)
Smile, the world is beautiful!

Self discovery

I haven't really been around lately. I'm spending some time trying to figure out who I am and what I want. It's quite an interesting experience for me. Oh, and also, I'm sick. Which is really inconvenient at the moment, considering all the assessment tasks tomorrow =S. But yeah, I'm sorta studying around it. And like, I've finished most of everything before this weekend (it's called being organised :L)

So yeah, on my journey to finding myself, and I stumble upon the words of my friends over at smithteens and postsecret.
And somehow, things are starting to be okay. =)



"It's not complicated. I'm just lonely." - J600y3

"Sometimes I lose both my minds." - DancesWithDisaster

"Danced alone in the rain today." - LendMeYourHeart?

"Save an egg. Crack a smile." - nancyhae



"I looked up.
Saw a spider.
And screamed.
Where did my manlyness go?
...More importantly.
Where did the fucking spider go!?" - LasVegas

"I regret my childhood. Oh well." - staring_longingly

"Gravity: Thanks for holding me down." - DanielleBlews

"Is this nothingness I feel depression?" - XxmoonbeamxX



"We are the people our parents warned us about.

- Jimmy Buffett" - J600y3

"Do you think he'll notice today?" - liesonthebackofmyhand

"Number three on school's weird list." - poetic justiss

"I'm always too willing to forgive, to fall right back into what used to be." - harrypotterstarz



"Remembering you is ruining loving him." - pb&j

"Momentary happiness in Hell. How ironic." - SilverFireRing

"Why cry when everything is perfect?" - Music's Note

"She Counts Calories. I Count Stars." - cookies.make.me.happy


"Accidentally said I loved him. Shit" - BehindMyBlueEyes

"Grandma's in the fucking hospital again." - erikamargery

"Like an untenderized steak... life's tough." - sparxsollaria

"Relatively happy. Probably related to avoidance." - Lucy Golightly

No letters. Just bills.

You may not know it, but your distance and ignorance are slowly breaking my heart.
When i say “i’m fine”, tell me to shut the fuck up and stop lying. - IWroteThisForYou

---

Sometimes I wonder where all my time goes. Because, seriously, I don't work all that often, just like, 8 hoursish a week. So then, where is all the time? And then I realise that I come home and do homework/study for about 4 hours every night. =S

---

And I hate the fact that my heart doesn’t grow
And I hate the smell of cigarette smoke
And I hate old movies unless they make me cry
And I hate the jerk that you’ve turned out to be
And I hate the sand that holds back the seas
And I hate the fact that you don’t love me for me

---

And I used to have this thing that I wouldn't do schoolwork on Friday, cause I has the weekend. But now I reserve the weekend for work/family time. And my family does a lot of random socialising. So now I work really hard all week. And bludge all weekend. And feel guilty for bludging and eat chocolate. And then eat guilty for eating chocolate and eat a salad. And now my mum doesn't know why I keep buying salad, and I'm never hungry by dinner time.

---

“And I've always hated the way you would come into my life and arrange things in my heart room.

Then you left by the same door you came in as though nothing happened.

But nothing's the same anymore. I can't find my keys, my piece of mind, my reasons to live. You were here and you destroyed the peace that was me.

You looked on. You just look.” – howimissedyou

---

And I had a solution to the problem because I would just chew gum and I would get the flavours without the guilt because I wasn't eating. And then she came and said that chewing gum is bad because you stomach creates all these acids to digest the food and then you end up with extra acids, and my stomach is already too acidy from drinking too much juice and having screwed up genes, so all I can do is eat chocolate.

---

"Scars are good, I think, because they don't hurt anymore but they don't let you forget. They don't melt away into nothingness, they are merit badges, they are battle wounds that show you how far you've come." - CleverGirlGoesBlog

---

And I'm supposed to be studying physics as I write this, but physics is my least favourite subject to study because it's so hard. Which is weird, because I find the subject easy, just the study hard. So if you ask me to study legal, or chem I'll do it easily, but physics makes me want to bludge.

---

“We can answer any question we have, like how do actors make themselves cry, so we never sit in wonder and wonder at the wonder of the world, anymore.

And anything we watch can be paused, so we never argue about what just happened while we were talking, anymore.

We cannot hope that we might have just missed their call, because our phones are always with us and if they didn't call, they didn't call.

No protests in the streets, just a button marked 'like'.

No one reads stories aloud, unless you are a child.

No letters. Just bills.” - IWroteThisForYou (listofchanges)

---

And that's it. I'm gonna stop venting about how undedicated I am, and go and find a uni course for my sister (useful budging, promise) and then consider studying physics.

Live long and prosper,

Bigger dreams

I don't think I have found myself yet.
Perhaps that's obvious?
Is there some sort of point we reach in our lives, when we just know who we are? And we know what we want? Or does it go on like this forever?

I'm just so damn confused.


And at times like these, we turn to TSwizzle

When all you wanted was to be wanted
Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now
Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday
But I realized some bigger dreams of mine

And Abigail gave everything she had to a boy
Who changed his mind and we both cried

'cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen, don't forget to look before you fall
Ive found that time can heal most anything
And you just might find who you're supposed to be
I didn't know who I was supposed to be at fifteen

We're all just a bunch of magnets

Right now, I am so happy with the person that I am.
I enjoy being me.
And that makes me happy.

(So does seeing little birdies walking along the tops of cars. IT JUST MAKES ME HAPPY, OKAY??)

Anyway, so, I meant to post this ages ago, and it was playing at coles today, so I'm like, yeah, I'll blog that song.

This is who I am, to some extent.
I'm the crazy girl who tells you to smile because the world is a beautiful place, that gets excited in English when I say something remotely intelligent (we call them 'English moment's), I'm the girl who tells you to have a happy ending. Who pesters you about your secrets until you have no choice but to tell me, and then I regret hearing them (I know, I know, I should learn. I don't). I'm the girl who has exact trig ratios and a period table blu tacked above my computer, just in case =L. I'm the girl who will always give you a "leagl buddies hug", and who prefers the letter I to Y, G to J, and K to C. I'm the girl who crazy dances to lady gaga when no one can see me, and who singstars to abba when no one can hear me. I'm the girl who believes you're never too old to cry in a corner. I'm the girl who can lie as if it were the truth and never get caught, but I'd rather be honest. I'm the girl who hopes you miss me as you're looking for yourself out there. I'm the girl who thinks she's a magnet. I'm the girl who just wants to be cared about.

And yet, I'm somehow empty...


Now that she’s back in the atmosphere
With drops of jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there’s time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like june, hey, hey

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking at yourself out there

Now that she’s back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey, hey
She checks out mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there’s time to grow, hey, hey

Now that she’s back in the atmosphere
I’m afraid that she might think of me as plain ol’ jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the milky way
And tell me, did venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you’re wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone
Conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the milky way

Your dreamer

Everyone keeps saying "I bet he's smiling up there" or "I bet he's laughing at us from heaven for getting up so early"... "he doesn't even like the cold, I bet he's annoyed at us." "I'm sure he's glad to be up there with her"

Well you know what?
You aren't anywhere.
You're gone.
That's it. Game over.
You didn't even believe in heaven. There's nowhere for you to go.

So today we tossed those pieces of you from the box you've been in for so long.
Because today is your birthday...
But see, it isn't.
Because it's all over now.
Everything.
Every last piece of you is gone.

And now we move on. We go on with our lives, and what? We pretend like nothing ever happened? We make jokes about you being in heaven?

...I don't think I can.


I miss you...
...I think that's what I'm getting at...
I can't live if living is without you... or something like that.

Wish you were here,

You are here. With me.

Tomorrow, I will be strong, and I will not let it hurt me. I will be there for people, and I will not crack. But if I do, I know you will still forgive me, and that gives me hope.

Avoidance

I might just be blogging to avoid my english essay, and yes that makes me feel guilty, but I don't care about english, and I want to care, because it has to count, but I just can't do it. And I'm not one to give up on things, but I think I'm giving up on this.

And I feel bad for quitting the fight. I feel worse for knowing it's not the first fight I've quit lately. But this is the first one I've admitted to, instead of giving stupid feeble excuses.

So here I am. Being a quitter. Being a quitter, and giving up, and pretending that it's ok. And pretending that how I feel is ok. And pretending that lying to myself is okay. Lying about everything. And I need to talk to you, and tell you how I feel, and why I feel it, but you never seem to want to talk to me, so I'm not going the start the conversation like I always do, I'm going to wait and hope that you want to talk to me too.

And I thought that it went away. I thought that my feelings about you went away, and that you had no bearing on my life anymore, but I still feel exactly the same. And now it's the easy way out, I want that easy way out. I want someone who's felt how I feel to come and tell me that it's ok, and that I'll be fine, and I want that person to be you but I don't want to want that person to be you.

"I wanna break up the madness but it’s all I have.
My life is pretty much screwed up right now.
I’m so miserable and sometimes I think of just stopping it all. Of dying. But then I remind myself that one day it’s all gonna get better and I’ll be happy.
It’s all that I have, my madness, and I’m going to keep it"

I feel a little internally mental at the moment, and I would like to say what I am thinking but people might take what I mean seriously, and that would be bad, because I don't take myself seriously, and my emotions change by the day, and people shouldn't know what I feel today because I won't feel like this tomorrow.
And what I'm saying doesn't make sense.
So I'll leave.
Now,
Goodbye.


Wish you were here.

Ole!

Yeah, it was a beautiful day, hanging out in the city, being a wog, and celebrating our awesome victory.
It was a beautiful day singing in Spanish, and cheering people with vuvuzelas.
It was a beautiful day eating tapas, and drinking sangria, with high spirits.

But why did you have to miss this?

You're probably the biggest fan of soccer that I know knew.
And you're definitely the biggest fan of Spain I've ever met.
And this was our year. The first time we made the finals, and the first time we won the final. You would have been ecstatic.

But you're not.
You're still sitting in a box.
And I wish you could be here to celebrate this with me. With us.
I wish I could see your smile again.
I wish I could see that beautiful pride you have for your homeland.

I miss you.

And I didn't know that I would. But I do. And I want you to come back now. Because it's hard without you. It's hard to be happy. It's hard to celebrate, when all I want to do is cry.

The Horrible

Bones break, organs burst, flesh tears.
We can sew the flesh, repair the damage, ease the pain.
But when life breaks down, when we break down, there's no science.
No hard and fast rules.
We just have to feel our way through.

"What's the point?
The world is a horrible place. Young people die of diseases. It makes absolutely no sense to try to be happy in such a horrible place"
"Yes"
"What?"
"Yes, horrible things do happen.
Happiness, in the face of all that, that's not the goal.
Feeling the horrible, and knowing that you're not going to die from those feelings; that's the point."


I am not going to die from the horrible.

ps: happy birthday lisa =) i hope your day was as special as you ;)

I don't HAVE to like myself, right?

i think we're all a bit insane on the inside.
we all go around and pretend that nothing's wrong until that moment that it all adds up and we fall apart, and there's nothing we can do anymore because we've tried everything, and if we could just explain it, if we could just put into words how we feel, then everythiung would be okay, because we could understand each other and maybe we'd realise we're all pretty much the same. but instead we spend our lives on the edge of a cliff that we can never climb over, and we're too scared to let go of.

and, you know, there are moments, and they seem to make everything ok, and it gives you hope, and that's beautiful and wonderful. and you think things might change, and you feel these revelations, and the music in your mind plays, and the credits roll, and it's all sunshine and lollipops. until you realise that it's a just a moment, and that things are not going to change, your life is not going to fix itself by the end of the episode. and sometimes, the main characters are the ones that die.

and then you become, like, this gigantic burden on everyone you know, telling them all your stupid crap, and crying all over them at the train station, and making them ask a thousand times if you're ok, and you say yes, but you don't really know, do you? and you wish you could just wait a while before you dealt with them, all these people, instead of laying all the crap on them. but, you just can't, because life goes on, and you have to keep up with everything.

so you ask yourself, are you okay?

because i don't think i am anymore.

Are you ReadY?

Maybe it's a fall from grace
I gotta find a new place
A holiday
I'll set off on a new chase
I gotta see a new face
I need to take a holiday



I feel that it's hard enough to say good-bye.
I feel there's the water. Should I sink or dive?
An empty plate, fill up my sentimental morning star.
I steal the art of putting truth in a lie.



Maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
All my resistance will never be distance enough
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up


if nobody is, that would explain some things

I wanna believe
How can i believe
You're making me doubt
I thought i knew you
I don't even know myself
I'm losing faith
I'm losing all faith
You're breaking my heart



And he's not in a state to be readily left in my hands
In my hands, in my hands, in my hands

Hey love, live it up
Cuz I'm getting closer
And I want love, give it up
This poetry and prose and words are not enough
Cuz you're more than melody to me...I think



You didn't have to be so mad
When you ran across the road
The light alone soon told me
You had a heavy load
But I can't see why you didn't stay
Why you didn't come to see if I felt
The same way
And I do



Hands
Let me hold you
Eyes
Let me see your face
Smile again
As the world
Goes tumbling



I didn't see it coming
It took me by surprise
Just when I wasn't looking
I noticed all the lies



Let's take it right from the start
Can't bare us to be apart no more
Don't walk away from me now
Cant lose the love that I found
I'll promise you no more tears, or fears
Just give me a chance to show you



So you lie there holding your breath
And it's strange how soon you forget
That you're like stars
They only show up when it's dark
Cause they don't know their worth

And I think you need
To stop following misery's lead



Stand up please til I'm done losing my mind
And i've thanked you all just one too many times
The more we fall the harder we must climb
Cos' everybody loves a circus show
But I'm the only clown you'll ever know
And now you can applaud my best mistake
I love you was too many words to say



I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.



Swept away by the wonder of it all
So amazed; never saw it coming
Left me dazed
And I don't know where to turn

Here and now
Seems I'm standing on the edge
Looking down
I can clearly see your face
In the crowd
Makes me feel i'm not alone

If I fall
Will you catch me?



Yeah they talk about her
She smiles like shes so tough
She says
"hey can you talk a little louder,
I don't think my heart is broken enough"



Will your lips speak what is true
If you say that this is where you belong
That's all I want, from you
In the garden of my deepest soul



I've tripped again and things are starting to get interesting
Don't give me choices cause I can't decide
My mind is soaked in words
I've come to terms with all my insecurities
And purities no friend of mine

And dreaming doesn't do no good
Cause I don't wanna lie
That I'm okay and I'm alright
I'd rather take it and forget it
Consider this a warning
Cause I'll start another fight
And you'll say its all alright
I'll wait for the day when you find I'm too much for you, baby
So lay your hands over me
And feel what you only see
But don't bother wasting your time if you're trying to change me