Things I probably won't do next year

I'm finally getting around to writing a list of my resolutions.
Well, I will be :L
This could take a while. (Edit: It took 3 days :L)

1. Learn to love myself despite my past.
I think that's the hardest one, maybe. It's something I've failed at for a while now. And I keep trying too. Well, halfheartedly. I mean, could there ever be something I do or think or feel that is unforgiveable? Something that means I can never love myself? What if that something has already happened?

2. Do things for myself, not anyone else
I don't usually do what I want, I do what I should do, or what other people want me to do. And then, most of the time, it's not what they want anyway, it's what they think they want. So I may as well do what I want, at least for some of the time.

3. Eat less junk food
Which is something I've had on the list for a few years now. But it never seems to happen. In fact, if anything, I'm getting worse as I get older. But I'm gonna try again. Or you know, maybe I'll excercise, or somethign like that.

4. Actually stop biting my fingernails
I've lost count of the times this has been on my list. My nails are too weak to grow now because of how much I've bitten them. I really need to stop... eventually.

5. Smile everyday
I was going to put "smile more" but Nikki says I smile too much as it is. I don't think there is such thing as smiling too much. And I don't think she sees me all the time. Then again, a couple of months ago she told me she thought I was depressed. Go figure. Anyways, I just want to smile everyday. Not too much, not too little.

6. Admit when I'm wrong
I don't do that half as often as I should. I don't like being wrong. I really really dislike being wrong. But I should still admit to it. And I'm going to start.

7. Don't sleep until I've done something good for someone else
Because when I'm laying in bed at night, I want to focus on the good things I've done that day. The good things for others. So I'm going to do good for others.

---

Oh, and I read a new years resolution from someone who wanted to get more traffic to her site in the new year. So I recorded the address, and I haven't looked at the page next year. So if you guys want to, in the new year, head to jessicadelfino.com and try and make her resolution come true, it would be much appreciated =D

Happy New Year sunshines =)

A plea

This is my 350th post. Yep, it's a big one, sort of. But I'm not writing it. Brady is. I want you to hear her story.

My name is brandy. And I have a blog.

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog- as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He's a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He's the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He's the guy who sent flowers to me at school- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He's a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He's made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He's listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He's recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma- an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been- spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He's the most selfless individual I know- (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I'm overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren't sure what's happening. He'll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what's going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as 'brandy's hot awesome dude'). If you don't pray, please keep him in your heart.This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven't seen it, google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making- but this is life. Right now. And I'm throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM- please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn't a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It's just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven't already? Please tell someone you love them today.


I love you guys, thanks for reading.

Reflection

My family celebrated Chrstimas yesterday, so today is just another day to me.
But have a great Christmas guys, and come read this tomorrow.

Confession #44: I want to go back in time and do better. I want to make you happier. You were always so sad, and I didn't know what to do.

"I sat on my floor this evening and stared at myself. I have no idea who was looking back at me and it was the most terrifying thing I have ever encountered"

When I'm alone, I rarely smile. – palefacelace

The scary thing is, that quote is true.

Yesterday, I looked in the mirror,

and I didn't recognise the face looking back.

And it's not because I don't know who I am,

it is because I have spent so long afraid of mirrors, and cameras.

That I have no idea what I look like.

And that terrifies me.

You’re all tangled up in other people.

Their worries have become your worries.

Their expectations of you have become

the expectations you have for yourself.

Their dreams are slowly turning into your nightmares.

“I have this fear that one day you’ll finally get a good look at me and

I’m going to disappoint you, cause you’ll see that I’m not as strong or as good as you think I am,

and I’m afraid that it will change the way you think about me.”

I was always waiting...

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone!

I hope you guys have a fab day, and get stacks of prezzies. And eat lots too, without feeling bad about it, because it’s Christmas. And have lots of chocolate (do that every day).

And I have to work today. =( But then, it’s not that long, and people will be in a happy, Christmassy mood. So it’s not so bad. Smile at strangers today! And tomorrow! The only time of year they ALL smile back.

And, I’m not really sure what Christmas is all about for you, but for me, it’s family. So celebrate family! Or like, Jesus or something :L

Alright, well, MerryChristmas! Enjoy the song =D

Come they told me
Pa rum pum pum pum
A new born King to see
Pa rum pum pum pum

Our finest gifts we bring
Pa rum pum pum pum
To lay before the kIng
Pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum

So to honor Him
Pa rum pum pum pum
When we come

Little baby
Pa rum pum pum pum
I am a poor boy too
Pa rum pum pum pum
I have no gift to bring
Pa rum pum pum pum
That's fit to give our King
Pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum

Shall I play for you
Pa rum pum pum pum
On my drum

Mary nodded
Pa rum pum pum pum
The ox and lamb kept time
Pa rum pum pum pum
I played my drum for Him
Pa rum pum pum pum
I played my best for Him
Pa rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum,
rum pum pum pum

Then He smiled at me
Pa rum pum pum pum
Me and my drum

Still shamelessly flogging smithmag. =)

Resolution: this year, keep my resolutions - KaleidoscopeEyes

Ok, so, as we all know, I am a huge 6 word memoir fan. No? We hadn't figured that out yet? Hmm.

Anyways! They're doing this thingo this year about 6 word resolutions.
So... I thought I'd tell you some of my favourites.
And ask you, very kindly, to comment with one of your new year's resolutions.

I'll post my resolutions for the new year another time. -) (<- cyclops) No complaining. At least until March - Janet3457


Please don't stop falling in love. - Nadia


I'll act more and react less. - Joshua J


Get more than six words published. - Lacy Foland


More outdoors and less computer clicking. - Nancy L


Admit once my wife is "right." - Robert Epstein


Stop counting carbohydrates; start counting blessings. - Susan Breeden

I will bend and not break.- Marcia Gaye

I will stop mocking sparkly vampires - RhondaParish


Get off computer, go to sleep. - Liz


Truthfully answer, "What do you want?" - Katie


Give up: procrastination, confrontation, frustration, convention. - Katie


This year, I'm only saying yes. - quin browne


Maybe I'll stop saying maybe... maybe - TaNkGirrrl


Finish novel. Find agent. Get published. - Rebeca Schiller


Maybe just floss regularly, for starters. - Nancy L


Will do more "wants", fewer "shoulds" - Christine Jungle


To worry less and love more. - SabrinaAnna


To see ordinary days as treasures. - Lori Thatcher


Make my family smile more often. - David L Tamarin


Resolution: To make better 2011 resolutions. - Micah Schow

Happy Old Year

Hehe, Lisa's thing was fun.
We made lists of all the people we've ever liked (including primary and onesies) and my list was only 10 people (include one guy twice, and one guy that I only liked for an hour :L)
Lucy had like 30 something :L and amy had 17!
And Nina forgot Robert on her list :L
And speaking on Nina, I stole her quiz.

THIS YEAR I.

( ) stayed single for the whole year
(x) made out in/on a car
( ) kissed in the snow
( ) celebrated Halloween
( ) kissed in the rain
(X) had your heart broken
( ) broke someone else’s heart
(x) had a stalker
(X) went over the minutes on your cell phone (attempting to spend $22)
(X) had a good relationship with someone
(x) someone questioned your sexual orientation
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) had an abortion
(X) have a relationship with someone you’ll never forget
( ) done something you’ve regretted
( ) lost faith in love
( ) kissed under a mistletoe
(X) painted a picture
( ) wrote a poem
( ) ran a mile
( ) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch
(X) posted a blog
(X) listened to music you couldn’t stand
(x) went to a sleepover
( ) went camping
( ) threw a surprise party
(X) laughed till you cried
( ) laughed till you peed in your pants
( ) visited a foreign country
( ) cut in a line of waiting people
( ) told someone you were busy when you weren’t
(x) partied to celebrate the new year
(X) cooked a disastrous meal
(x) lost something/someone important to you (MICKEY BEAR!! D=)
(x) broke a promise
(X) lied
( ) went behind your parents back
(X) cried over a broken heart
(X) disappointed someone close
(X) hid a secret
(X) pretended to be happy
( ) slept under the stars
(x) kept your new years resolution
( ) forgot your new years resolution
(X) met someone who changed your life
( ) met one of your idols
(X) changed your outlook on life
(X) sat home all day doing nothing (story of my life)
( ) pretended to be sick
( ) left the country
( ) almost died
( ) given up something important to you
( ) lost something expensive
(X) learned something new about yourself
( ) tried something you normally wouldn’t try and liked it
(X) made a change in your life
( ) found out who your true friends were
(X) met great people
(X) stayed up til sunrise
(X) Cried over the silliest thing
( ) was never home on weekends
( ) got into a car accident
(X) had friends who were drifting away from you
( ) had someone close to you die
( ) had a high cell phone bill
(X) spent most of your money on food
( ) had a fist fight
(X) went to the beach with (some of) your best friend(s)
( ) saw a celebrity
(X) gotten sick
( ) liked more than 5 people at the same time
(X) became closer with a lot of people

IT HURTS

It hurts it hurts it hurts it hurts

My stomach is bloody killing me

Owowowowow

It’s like a really sharp pain, and then, I feel like im gonna throw up

And you know what the best thing for nausea is?

LEMONADE. I know this from experience.

But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Because I have PHARYNGITIS!!!!

And im not allowed cold drinks for 3 days!!!!!!!!!!

Owowowowoowow

Oh wow, crying actually helps ease the pain.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Spread the joy

Confession #3: I'm not sure if I'm more scared that I am or am not ready

“The greatest feeling in the world

is to be around someone

who wants to hold you,

kiss your forehead,

be around you,

call you at night,

and see you smile

But I think what’s better than that,

is finding someone who does it all,

because he wants to see you happy.”

"Woke up just to see you" - WhatTheWorldDoesn'tKnow

I always say yes. That's why we've planned our wedding.

All I need now is a ring. =P

Oh, and such a tyranny it is, too.

Conscious thought is so restraining, it means things have to add up and make sense.

Sometimes, I don't want things in my head to make sense.

That's when I listen to music.

And that's why I've picked our perfect lullaby

Hehe, your eyes are beautiful darling.

They shine so beautifully in sunlight.

And they change colour in different lighting.

And they have a little shimmer in them, when you're really happy.

Like, when you smile your happy smile.

With your fang over your mouth =p

I consider myself a positive person. I mean, I'm generally pretty sunshiney. I spread joy where I can. And I believe that I smile to a stranger can spread through the world. If you walk past me on the street, I will wave.

If I serve you at work, we'll be best friends in under 30 seconds. And gradually, I'm going to make the world happier. Starting with me. =)

Yes, I love rainy days. I love rainy nights too.

Sleeping to rain is the most peaceful experience ever.

Hearing the pitter patter of rain against my window makes me happy.

Blackouts are good too. Because they mean candles.

I'm a big candle lover.

Candles make me feel safe. =)

Wish you were here,

Circles of Life

SEVEN CIRCLES

CIRCLE ONE: THE OUTSIDE

1. What's your name: ebony 2. How tall are you: 167cm 3. What color are your eyes: brown 4. What color is your hair: brown 5. Are you Male or Female: female 6. What is your best feature (physically): err, I don’t know 7. What's your shoe size: 6/7 8. Glasses, yes or no: yeah, but I don’t wear them *looks guilty* 9. Did you ever have braces: no 10. On a typical day you are wearing: jeans and a tshirt. Or a uniform. 11. When you go to bed you're wearing: pjs 12. work out/exercise about how often: never

CIRCLE TWO: MUSIC 1. Name five of your favorite bands: in flames, westlife, the monkees, escape the fate, the corrs, 2. Name five of your favorite singers: taylor swift, Michael buble, ben mckenzie, delta, p!nk

3. Name three songs you are currently playing nonstop: no playing anything nonstop. 4. Name one song (give lyrics) that best describes your life right now: a place in this world “I dont know what i want, So dont ask me, cause im still trying to figure it out. Don't know what's down this road, im just walking. Trying to see through the rain coming down. Even though im not the only one, that feels the way i do. Im alone, on my own, and that's all i know. I'll be strong, i'll be wrong, Oh, but life goes on. Oh, im just a girl, trying to find a place in this world.” 5. Name one song (give lyrics) that best describes your life one year ago: err, I don’t really know 6. When you're driving, what are the preset stations on your radio: uhm, vega, and nova. 7. What's the last CD you bought: u2 greatest hits for my daddy.

(ok, that a lie, but it’s the second last. And I cant tell you until I give it to the person it’s for) 8. Was the last CD you burned an actual CD or a mix: westlife cd for corinne 9. Name one song/band/singer you're embarrassed to like but do: taylor swift :L 10. If you could only attend one concert ever again, it would be: I don’t know =S 11. Name one band/singer you absoulutely can't stand: chris brown 12. Name a group you use to like but feel you've grown out of: the veronicas

CIRCLE THREE: MOVIES/TELEVISION

1. Name your favorite actor: mark harmon <333 2. Name your favorite actress: keira knightley 3. Name your favorite television show right now: star trek :L 4. Name five really cool movies you've recently seen: over her dead body, playing for keeps, the time traveller’s wife, the surrogates, cant remember :L 5. Your favorite canceled television show: Gilmore girls 7. Name one movie you wish you hadn't wasted time/money on recently: nothing 8. You would never watch a movie starring: there noone that bad 9. Favorite candy/food to watch movies with: choc top! 10. Three favorite tv channels: ten, scifi, comedy 11. Favorite reality show: don’t like reality tv 12. Favorite character on a reality show: see above.

CIRCLE FOUR: WORD ASSOCIATION (Write the first word/thing/person that comes into your head when you read this word:)

1. coffee: caffeine 2. dog: toffee 3. slut: minishirt :L 4. candy: Audrey anderson 5. pole: dance 6. ocean: blue 7. brave: gryffindor 8. loving: victor 9. cookie: choc chip 10. death: grim reaper 11. life: yellow 12. child: pigtails

CIRCLE FIVE: WHICH WOULD YOU PREFER: (bold the one you prefer)

1. Ten guilty men go free OR One innocent man goes to jail for life 2. Eaten by a lion OR Eaten by thousands of small insects 3. A life of contentment without love OR A life with love and heartache 4. Skydiving from a plane OR Bungee jumping off a bridge 6. No television OR No music 7. No more pizza, ever OR No more chocolate, ever 8. A trip to Europe OR a trip to Hawaii 9. An hour with your future soul mate OR An hour with a lost loved one {{I can’t choose, I don’t want either hour =S}} 10. No longer being able to cry OR No longer being able to feel the need to cry 11. Sex without love OR love without sex 12. Loving someone who doesn't love you OR being loved by someone you don't love

CIRCLE SIX: THE LOVE LIFE

1. Are you currently in a relationship: yes 2. Are you currently looking/interested in someone: no 3. Are you a virgin: yes 4. If yes, how long do you plan to be one: till I stop lying to myself. 5. How many times have you been "in love": twice 6. Looking back, how do you feel about that person(s) now: confused 7. Name three things (physically) you look for in someone: beautiful smile, talkative eyes, beauty 8. Name three things (mentally/emotionally) you look for in someone: kind, chivalrous, sensitive 9. Biggest turn offs include: thinking you’re better than you are 10. Your ideal date would be: building a sandcastle 11. You want to get married, where, when, how: park/beach. 12. Does anyone have feelings for you right now that you don't return: I wouldn’t know.

CIRCLE SEVEN: THE FRIENDS (of your friends, who would you say is:)

1. The one you immediately go to with a problem: jenny 2. The most rational: joannie 3. The funniest: judy 4. The one you spend the most time on the phone with: pradeepti (free calls!) 5. The craziest (but in a good way): amy 6. The most honest: jenny 7. The purest: jenny 8. The smartest: judy 9. The most athletic: amy 10. The most compassionate: jenny 11. The one most likely to get thrown in jail and why: I don’t know 12. The last one that said "I love you": I don’t remember

Deadly sin.

7 SINS SURVEY
Wrath
[x]Sworn at your parents?
[x]Hated them?
[x]Been furious with a friend?
[x]Angry at someone for no reason?
[ ]Hated a friend?
[ ]Held a grudge?
[x]Sought revenge?
[x]Yelled at a friend?
[ ]Hit a wall in rage?

Greed
[ ]Had desire for excess money?
[x]Wanted more of something when you had enough?
[ ]Kept to yourself instead of sharing?
[x]Wanted more than you have?

Pride
[x]Bragged to someone?
[x]Had an ego trip?
[ ]Felt better than those around you?
[ ]Felt "too good" to do something?
[x]Felt like you didn't need offered help?
[x]Talked about yourself too much?
[x]Basked in your accomplishments?
[ ]Felt like nobody was as good as you?

Envy
[x]Wanted something a friend owned?
[x]Felt jealous of a friends talents?
[x]Felt envious of someones accomplishments?
[x]Or of their grades?
[ ]Or their salary and or amount of cash?
[ ]What about someone else's clothes?
[x]Appearance or looks?

Lust
[ ]Ever liked a friends bf/gf?
[ ]Had dirty thoughts of someone you werent dating?
[ ]Been in a suggestive situation with a friend?
If so, whom?
[x]Had dirty thoughts of your bf/gf?
[ ]Been to 1st base?
[ ]2nd?
[ ]3rd?
[ ]4th?

I don’t know what the bases are :L My parents were arguing about it the other night, and we came to no conclusion.

Sloth
[ ]Put off a huge project till the last day?
[x]Planned your day but not acted upon it?
[x]Thought of something but didn't feel like doing it?
[ ]Ignored homework in a class your failing?
[x]Told yourself "I'll do it later"?
[ ]Slept in past noon?
[x]Sat on the sofa for hours on a beautiful day?
[x]Not wanted to do anything physical?

Gluttony
[x]Pigged out?
[x]Till your stomach hurt?
[ ]Blown your paycheck in one day?
[ ]Wasted your money?
[ ] Spent a lot on yourself but not others?
[x] Hogged something?
[x]Kept doing something even though you told yourself to stop?

Fabulous

I may or may not have just published the last post. Approminately 4.7 seconds ago.
I don't that has any relevance to when the next can be started, though, and I'm in the need of a mood swing. So I'm going to be lovey dovey =D=DD. You guys really don't have to read this :L



And sometimes I leave because you're hurting me with your words. and sometimes I leave because I don't want to hurt you with mine. Sometimes I just don't want you to see that I'm crying. Sometimes I leave because the halftime bell rang. Sometimes I leave because we have to go to class. But every single time I walk away, I just wish you'd follow.



You are a beautiful, amazing, selfless human being. And no matter how many times I tell you, you will never believe me. And you maintain that I am embarrassed by you. But you are the best thing to ever happen to me. And I know that I will never deserve you (I'm just hoping you never notice).



And you will never be perfect, because you are perfect for me. Perfect people don't have conversations with their eyebrows, or tell stupid jokes, or talk for hours about trees, and coolosity, and music. Perfect people aren't obsessed with their computers, and the highlight of their week isn't kicking their brother's arse at guitar hero. So thank you so much for never being perfect. Just perfect for me.



Sometimes I think I love you too much, because when you're not there, I get very depressed. Things hurt more when you're not there to hold my hand or hug me. Life can be very painful. Life without you is even worse.

Chocolate

Confession #1:I'm not really ashamed of myself. I just know that you're ashamed of me. And that hurts.

"Love always find a path, if it doesn't, wasn't Love. "

"Fuck Prince Charming. Be my Spider-man?" – JustAFaceInTheCrowd

please don't be my spiderman. be my chocolate. and i will be your nintendo 64.

Today I am infinite.
I went a tiny little HUGE bit high this arvo after Prad's party.
What? Me? High? Never!
But yea, I was just alittle psycho.
Because I had this song stuck in my head.
And it made me think of you.
And thinking of you makes me smile.
And then I sneezed twice.
And then I just went nuts :L:L
I love you.



I have been trying to convince myself not to rant about you but OMGSH YOU ARE SUCH AN ANNOYING PIECE OF SHIT. I mean, yeah, I like talking to you, sure. But not when you're like that! Because then I feel all bleh on the insides, and then I start questioning my moral fibre (ty hp), and then I go batshit crazy. And it's all because you feel the need to be such a bloody prick and mention things that you know make people feel uncomfortable, but that's why you do it. Because you're crazy and twisted, and want to see how people take it, and how they will react, and I gave you a positive reaction, sure, but I didn't get it.
...And I don't think anyone else even noticed.



SPEAKING of not noticing things.
What. The. Hell?
I can't believe that you are so coldhearted and selfabsorbed to not NOTICE. And worse than that, you told me off. You didn't give a shit, and THEN YOU TOLD ME OFF. Which just backs up my point and it makes me like you less, for not caring at all about me. But I feel GUILTY for liking you less. Because you make me feel like it's my fault that you don't care. And now I keep questioning myself EVERY SINGLE SECOND because I feel like I OWE YOU.
And you know what, you didn't even notice the TOTAL INEQUALITY let alone CARE. No one noticed. No one cared. I can't believe you're all such arseholes.



You are so bloody up yourself. I mean, seriously, you think you're some amazing popular intelligent person and that you deserve all this crap. And truthfully, you don't deserve it. Because quite frankly you're an idiot. And you piss people off. And your friends have started to bitch about you. Yeah, no kidding. And I can't help but join in...



I don't know what I'm supposed to do.




---


Tell me what to do, and I will do it. I will make it right I promise. Your wish is my command. Tell me how to fix everything. Tell me how to deal with it. STOP TELLING ME THAT YOU DON'T LIKE HOW THINGS ARE, AND TELL ME HOW YOU WANT THEM TO BE. Just talk to me. Stop upsetting me, stop making me cry. Stop telling me how upset you are. And tell me what to do about it.

Free.

Confession#18: Usually, when I get alonetime, I cry. Today, I've been smiling. Thanks for crying with me today. xD

"I think God was drunk and on high when he thought up me"

"I love you. Don't walk away." – Random Ninja



Okay, yeah, I disagree with everything in that picture. =L
Anyways.
I have a feeling that todat is an important day in my life. Because today, everything worked out. Without having any actual schoolwork to do, I managed to successfully balance the other three spheres of life.



And today, I was happy. Things have just been looking up lately. I think Christmas just makes me happy. (Sorry for celebrating Christmas before your birthday darling D=)



I feel like I have the confidence to be me lately. I don't have to lie about who I am, or pretend to be anyone other than myself. I am allowed to love who I am. And I love that about this new me. But I still have the feeling that I'm not the girl I used to be. And she would hate this new me. But she hated herself as well, so maybe she's just difficult to please.



I feel like I can breathe now. I feel like all my troubles have gone away. I think thast resulted from the conversations I've been having lately. I don't feel guilty about anything. I have nothign to hide. Admitting things to myself has been a big help with this. I love feeling so free.



*rare moments of honesty*
#1: it's really quite simple actually. you made me cry. he makes me smile. the choice was obvious.
#2: i want to tell you everything so you can tell me i have nothign to worry about. but what if you don't?
#3: i tried to spend more time with you lately. i hope you notice.
#4: you can say whatever the hell you want to me about my poor attitude to life. but i still smile more.
#5: i still want you to involve me in your conversations. you still hate me. i think i hate you now too.
#6: i think he was right about you and me. not totally seriously, just in a nice, funny way.
#7: when i wake up in the morning, i try to think of ways to make you proud of me. i know that you watch me throughout the day, and please know that you're still alive in my heart. in an ironic way, your death has brought us closer, and i love you more than ever now. i wish you could see me today, i know you really would be proud.



Wish you were here.

What about what I want?

Confession #17: Today I bought your friendship with a candy cane. And you still teased me, told me to shut up when I made the slightest sound, and called me an idiot at every possible opportunity. And I still understand why I wasted my life on you.

"Happiness or unhappiness is often a matter of choice."

"By the way, i miss you" – amy-k3s-u

Hello there sunshines, and welcome to today.
Yet another day of loneliness and confusion.
Because nothing's really changing, I guess.
And to be perfectly honest, I have nooo idea what's been going on in my head lately. Things are just weird.

(No Ebony, that's just you. You're weird.)

I feel like...
Everything I do is never going to actually be good enough.
Something's always gotta give.
I can't make everyone happy.
But everyone keeps asking me to.
Or else, they tell me they're sad when I'm not around.
Or they tell me they're lonely because I'm never there.
Or they tell me that they don't feel appreciated by me.
But I don't know what I can do.
I can't help you all.
And NONE of you are willing to make compromises for me.
I give you options and you act as if it's some great injustice that YOU have to compromise.
You all think you should be the most important.
YOU CAN'T ALL BE THE MOST IMPORTANT.
And slowly, and steadily, you're draining everything out of me.
And you all say "oh no, don't worry about me, I don't need anything out of you"
AND THEN YOU TELL ME OFF WHEN YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT OUT OF ME.
I can't do this forever.
It's been so long already.
I'm slowly, steadily, falling apart.

Wish you were here,

Feeling girly

Confession#22: I hate it when you make everything about you. Some things are about me.

“I want to know exactly what makes you smile, and I want to know your problems. I want to know what days you’re waking up on the wrong side of the bed; I want to know how many pillows you sleep with. I want to know why you sleep with a window open. I want to know if I’m ever needed, if I’m good enough to keep you warm at night. I want to know if I even have a chance anymore. I want to know everything about you. I want to know your past, your future, you’re betweens. I want to know your favourite colors, the things you love, well basically everything. Because I love you.”

"Tell me that we belong together." – randomperson

I've spent so much time pretending that you don't affect me.
I'm not jealous of you... I don't think.
I'm not really sure actually, I don't know what jealousy feels like.
I just doubt that I'm a good person when you're around.
You who understand everyone and everything.
You, the naturally intelligent, naturally beautiful.
You with the perfect body, the perfect family, the perfect life.
Will I ever compare to that?
When I stand next to you, can anyone even see me?



I know what it's like to live your life feeling like you're second best.
I know what it's like to need to impress everyone just so you can feel like you've beat HER, in at least one aspect.
I know what it's like to hear someone else tell you over and over how perfect SHE is. How pretty SHE is. How lucky SHE is.
I know what it's like to cry yourself to sleep at night, because you'll never ever be as good as HER.
But I don't know what it's like to be her.



I'm not really sure where this whole post is coming from or what it means. I guess, I've been thinking a lot lately about how I feel second best to her. I told her, too, and she laughed at me, telling me how silly I was for feeling like that, but it only made me feel worse. I hate it when she laughs at me.

My softer world

Confession #32: I hate when I upset you. I wasn't crying because you're an arsehole. I was crying because I made you feel like one. I love you.

"It's not a stoplight. It's a pause for peace."

"Just walk up and surprise me" - i(----)you


Caption: In the caves behind my house I found a softer world.
They understand what I had to do for love.
they don't believe in restraining orders.
Welcome to a softer world.
This picture is titled "What I did for love"
It is one of the cartoons that keep me going.
For the past few years, I've been holding onto these. My survival guide.
In so many ways.
These are my lifeline.
And this is my tribute.

Caption: "Hello! This is an email from a stranger who thinks you're just great!
Also, I respect a woman who organises her fridge so well.
Please don't scream when you turn around?"
Title: A stranger's just a friend you haven't met yet

Caption: I want the woman who yells at the potted plants at the library.
Yes, she's clearly troubled, but she's not helpless.
She doesn't take any shit from vegetables, for instance.
Title: Actually, maybe I want to BE her

Caption: I never wanted anything to happen to my parents
but a hero needs an origin story.

Title: And I'm not even sure gamma radiation would do anything

Caption: I can switch at will between being a man or a woman.
It's not my problem if you get weirded out
because my body stays the same.
Title: Any sufficiently complex system is hackable

Caption: I couldn't see through the blood and tears
I kept saying "Is that all you got?" even after they ran off
"Maybe your mom could come down and help?
Title: Ask her not to wear those army boots though

Caption: I'm gonna close my eyes and spin
And the first person I see is my soulmate
OK, class?
Title: But this doesn't mean an easy A

Caption: Some people collect stamps
I break into priests' hpises
and steal their dirty shorts for my vending machines
Title: I also collect stamps

Caption: I hire a prostitute to play tag and hide and go seek
she thinks it's weird repressed sex stuff
I just miss having friends who are girls
Title: I don't mind paying. It's worth it.

Caption: I've started a terrorist cell
We're going to do away with dating services
We're going to burn down Weight Watchers
Title: I used to want to wear plant bombs the night of the prom.

Caption: Police are saying the sniper's victims appear to have nothing in common.

Well, they do now!
Title: I was a terrible news anchor

Caption: I spend my lunch hours surrounded by people who apologiser for every tough
So today I hugged a stranger
and a thousand lonely people rioted
Title: I couldn't stop smiling in the back of the police car

Caption" My mum's buried out in these woods
She wanted her ashes scattered at sea, but it's like she always said
"No"
Title: It just wasn't reasonable

Caption: The sappy music comes up and I wipe the tears from her face
and into a heart-shaped vial
Tears make the best lube
Title: Not... not that we need it

Caption: The world isn't going to end just because we've done everything wrong.

Though, that would be easier.
Title: Oh fuck, we're doomed! Quick! To the movie theatre!

Caption: Thionking about the infinity of space makes me insane
I never want my kids to feel this small
So yeah, I let them eat whatever
Title: Priorities

Caption: Sometimes, I wish I could take back all my mistakes
but then I think
what if my mother could take back hers?
Title: She told me I was the best mistake she ever made

Caption: I told everyone I built my robot wife for sex
but late at night when we're alone
we mostly play battleship
Title: She's never too tired

Caption: The robot replacement wife laughs at all my jokes
Which was nice at first

Title: But even battleship gets old after 15 years

Caption: The sleepover is an integral part of a young girl's social like.
My firends are here to talk about boys. and laugh.
I'm here because my mother locked me out again.
Title: Smiling fights the lonely moster

Caption: Normal people don't steal dirty panties to feel close to someone

Is that what you're saying?
Title: Tell me another one

Caption: Halfway down she remembered
that Golden Girls was out on DVD
which could have gone in the CONS column
Title: Thankyou for being a friend

Caption: It was a plague nobody expected
pubert again, instead of death
cracking voices, and new bodies we can't understand
Title: The ravages of puberty leave nobody unscathed

Caption: My gramma has this joke where she says "Knock knock"
I say "who's there?"
she says "I can't remember" and starts to cry
Title: This is what frustrates me

Caption: I called my therapist yesterday, in a panic
I said "what if the sky falls again?"
And she said "Well, what if you fall in love?"
Title: True dreams

Caption: As a child, I killed animals
Not for any rish but because they seemed so sad
and I didn't know what else to do
Title: What would they do with their freedom?

Caption: The fall left him with brain damage and two long scars.
We tease him. "Oh him? He fell out of the ugly tree."
He looks most like our brother when he laughs
Title: We miss you

Caption: I was going to figure out the postage
and send you my heart
for Christmas.
But my friends talked me out of it.
They said "why would you send her something broken?"

Title: We've been good but we can't last