Letting people near

I don't have all the answers, and I'm sorry for that. I try to think of ways to make everything work, but something always has to give. I don't even think it's prioritising, it's just realising that not everything is going to happen perfectly, and that sometimes I have to make sacrifices. Why is there never enough time?



I feel like I need to talk to someone, but whoever I talk to is going to think that something is wrong, and that's not true, there's nothing wrong, in fact lots of things have been very right lately. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to feel sad, you know? It doesn't mean I'm never going to lie in bed at night crying my heart out. That's just who I am, I think, I feel things differently to other people. I get sad a lot, and that's ok, because I get happy a lot too.



I can't believe that I will never be trustworthy in the eyes of my mother due to something that happened over three years ago. She still thinks that I lied to her, and that that means that I will lie to her again. I have several issues with this. Mainly the fact that I never lied to her about anything, and that the reason we had an issue in the first place is because I chose to tell her the truth. The problem that resulted from this has made me never want to tell the truth about anything again. A second issue I have with this is that because she never trusts me, I have to lie to her about things. And I am not okay with that. Because I am a very honest person. I will generally tell people everything they want to hear. I don't like secrets; they make things too complicated. But I don't have a choice.



I hate doing things wrong. I despise human ignorance, and when I am ignorant, I hate myself. Unfortunately, being human means that I make mistakes, and that I stuff things up and that I am ignorant. This makes me unnecessarily sad. People don't make me sad, I make me sad. (Ok, occassionally mum makes me sad.)



I get so sad when I hear you're sad. I was just thinking today how happy I was with everything. I know you have your insecurities, I do too, but you're ruining the peacefulness that I felt. I wish you could see what I see. I'm so sorry.

Sunshine lollipop

I'm sorry that it took me forever to tell you. You see, I was waiting for a perfect moment, because I'm still naive enough to believe that perfection exists. And then I was sitting there, looking at you, and I felt like you had to know right then. And there were so many times when I nearly said it accidentally and then I stopped, but I thought, hey, I may as well just say it. So I did. It didn't even feel real for second, I think because of all the times I nearly said it and didn't, but then you didn't hear me anyway, so I felt kind of silly. But then I said it again, and you heard me, and you smiled, and that was nice, and you laid down next to me and you said it back and that was lovely. And then there were fireworks and a choir and a freaking symphony, so I guess, maybe, it was as close to a perfect moment as I could get.



I feel so weird, being allowed to be happy. I know that sounds ridiculous because
a. there have been many times where I've told my blog I'm happy,
b. I always smile and
c. everyone is allowed to be happy
but it feels weird in a nice weird way. I've never been able to care about someone without something holding me back and now that nothing is, I feel free.

Ebony's holiday

Ok, so this is a completely optional blog post (as opposed to the others, which I make you read) because it is basically just an account of my holiday, and it’s here for me, not you. Because my blog has rendered my previous journal redundant, and this is the kind of thing I used to put in a journal. (This is my way of saying that unless you particularly like stalking me, this will be insanely boring, so leave. Now.)

Day One
Ok, so today we made the voyage down to Merry Beach, which I have to say, is in the middle of nowhere (I mean seriously, it’s a 10 minute drive to phone reception, but more about that later). For the first year ever, my sister, my mum and I all shared the driving, and we played musical chairs around the car. Because mum had to be the passenger when I drove, Nikki said she got it when mum was driving, so I decided that I got it whilst Nikki was driving, and we could basically all move around the car, and put on/take off L/P plates as we went, and changing drivers took only a matter of seconds.
So I drove from home to Albion Park, which took a total of one hour and thirty five minutes, and involved annoying a number of other drivers who wanted to overtake me but couldn’t because there was no overtaking lane for most of the trip. Such is life. Then we stopped at Maccas for lunch and made ourselves feel gross for eating food that contained more oil and sugar than actual substance. Nikki also bought some magnetic Ps (because she moved the ones from mum’s car to her car and forgot to take them back for the trip) and we filled up with petrol. Then mum drove to Ulladulla, and then Nikki drove to Merry Beach
When we got here, the first thing I realised is that we have no phone reception. I mean, I’d been steadily monitoring it since we left Ulladulla, and it had cut out a few times, and then suddenly it just died, which was a little inconvenient. So after walking around the whole house for 10 minutes looking for reception, I gave up, and decided to unpack.
The house we have is pretty cool, downstairs it has three bedrooms, two bathrooms and a laundry that has to be accessed through the bathroom, so I’m expecting that to be a little awkward turtle. Upstairs is the kitchen, dining and living area, with a huge balcony that, if you squint enough, you can see the beach from. there are 32 chairs here, so we can invite over 29 friends if we suddenly feel like socialising, which is improbable, but it’s nice to have the opportunity.
After unpacking, we went to the beach, then visited friends we’re staying here with, and then went back to the beach. I built three sandcastles and they all had tunnels joining them to each other. It was also able to deal with pretty big waves hitting it, due to the trenches and stuff I built in front of it. However, by the time I’d walked down the beach and back (voluntary exercise? ew), the tunnels had collapsed.
Mum agreed to take me to the land of reception every day that we’re here, because seriously, I have survived a week without seeing my boyfriend who planned a very inconvenient holiday, but a week without talking to him is something I am probably incapable of doing. So we drove down the highway to the first place I had reception, and I got to talk to him whilst sitting on the side of the road for 16 minutes. =)
After I got back in the car, I was informed that I would be cooking dinner, although Nikki and mum hadn’t figured out what it would be yet. We originally thought of spaghetti, but we forgot to bring pasta with us, then we thought of bacon and eggs, but we left we the eggs in the fridge because we didn’t put them on the right list, then we thought of stir fry, but I am completely incapable of using an electric stove top because I tend to burn things, and then Nikki said she wasn’t hungry either, so we decided on two minute noodles.
Of all the food options we had considered, I’m sure two minute noodles was the easiest to make, but I still somehow managed to stuff it up, not only by having noodles go everywhere, but also because I lost one of the favour sachets, which eventually turned up in the microwave, which I’m guessing wasn’t the best place for it. But whatever, we ate, and talked a lot, and then mum decided to go to bed, and Nikki sprayed fly spray all over her room and had to evacuate for half an hour, and all in all, it was a good night.
(I’m guessing this much stuff won’t happen again tomorrow, but if it does, I apologise for making you read what I think may turn out to be a long and tiresome blog post [on second thoughts, I remember saying that I wasn’t going to make you read this one, it was optional, so really, you only have yourself to blame])

Day Two
Upn waking up, we realised that the weather outside was completely miserable, so we drove to Ulladulla to steal Wifi from Maccas so Nikki could enrol in her uni course online. Nikki and mum both had reception in Ulladulla, but I didn’t because my new phone doesn’t like me (or some other, more logical reason). Mum had her lights on as we were driving over because it was a little foggy, and, because she forgot to turn them off, the car battery was flat when we tried to leave. So Nikki and I walked across the road to a car repair shop and asked if they had a battery pack to jump start it, and they did, and came over and did it for us.
After that, we figured we should take the car for a little drive to charge the batteries, so we just wandered around aimlessly until we stumbled upon a lolly shop, that we simply had to visit. after that, we went to coles, where we saw someone that looked like a cross between John Green and a guy at work, and then came back to the house where I played Bejewelled for about an hour. Then I decided it was probably time to do some homework so I started reading As You Like It.
After reading that for a while, nikki and I went over to the beach for a while, and then came home so I could cook dinner (and because the water was still freezing). We sat around talking for a bit, and then went to bed.

Day Three
I woke up at 9, but Nikki and mum didn’t get up until midday, so I was playing Bejewelled and reading Snow Falling on the Cedars. After they got up, we had bacon and eggs, and then went for a walk to reception land, which found at the top of a hill. I managed to send about 5 texts before we came down the hill again. When we got home, Nikki and I went to the beach again, but it was even colder, and there were blue bottles everywhere, so after walking along the beach for a bit, we came back home and watched tv with mum until she decided to cook dinner, and I went back to reading As You Like It. After being distracted by NCIS:LA I gave up on doing homework, although I assure you I’d made some great progress. So I watched tv for a few hours, and eventually went to bed. As I get less and less inspired on this holiday, my posts are going to get shorter and shorter. This will be no great loss.

Day Four
Today was promised to be a nicer day than the last two, and I even had a dream that it was a beautiful day, however, when I woke up, this was not the case. I had a cup of coffee on the balcony with mum, and had a shower, before she decided to make pancakes for breakfast. After that I played Bejewelled on Nikki and mum’s laptops whilst they both showered. Then we went to the shops to buy a few things. When we got back, I played Bejewelled a bit more (by this stage, I didn’t suck anymore [yeah, it took that long to stop sucking). Nikki and I decided to go for a walk to Reception Hill, where we called dad, and then visited the friends we came with at their campsite
(yes, we are friends with people stupid enough to actually camp). Steph came back to our house, and we ate lunch and did some puzzles in a puzzle book we have that has a very bad dot to dot in it. Eventually she went home and we turned on the tv to watch the news (this is the kind of stuff we only do when we have no foxtel) and then a bunch of other stuff including Oprah, and then we all went to bed

Day Five
I woke up early to go to reception to hill to find out if Paul got into unsw. I walked over to camp so Steph and I could go to the hill together. They ate a bit and then we walked up and I got the good news =) (now he can come see Tim Minchin with me). When we got back it was just another cloudy day, and we were completely over it. Mum said she was feeling pretty sick, so we decided to drvie to Bateman’s Bay to find a doctor and get me some Internet to get the last act of As You Like It, once we’d decided this, the sun came out. But we went anyway, and we bought her some medicine and had lunch and got back at around 5 when Nikki and I decided to hit the beach (which was warmer than it had previously been) and we found an amazing sandcastle and now I really want to find out who built it. We walked to the campsite on our way home, and found that everyone else had been sunburnt or tanned that day and I was very jealous because I am really too white. When we got home no one felt like cooking so we had leftovers for dinner, and watched the news again, and then other stuff on tv. Nikki and mum decided to play on their laptops and I fell asleep on the lounge.

Day Six
I woke up fairly early because there was actually sunlight outside my window for the first time all week. I played on mum’s laptop until she and Nikki woke up, I had a shower and breakfast, and Nikki and I headed to the beach. We took a bucket, and made a very cool sandcastle, then went for a little swim and finally had a very poor attempt at tanning (because we’re both terrified of sunburn and didn’t want to stay out too long). When we got back we walked up to reception hill for about 45 minutes, and then went for a swim with mum in the pool at the caravan park next to us. After that we sat around for a little bit before having dinner and watching the 7pm project (apparently being on holidays has made me give a little more of a shit about the rest of the world). Then I went to my room whilst Nikki and mum watched Ghost Whisperer (it’s scary, ok?) and I played Bejewelled, and wrote some random stuff. Then watched more tv and went to bed

Day Seven
Woke up early again and hit the beach with Nikki. Helped our friends build an enormous sandcastle, tried to tan some more. Friends from Sydney came down to visit us, and we sat around talking to them for a while, then trekked up to reception hill for the last hill. When we got back, we went tanning again, and then went to camp to talk to our friends for the last time on holidays. When we returned home we had dinner, and played Trivial Pursuit (we won =D) and went to bed pretty late.

Day Eight
I’m writing this now, because I was too lazy to write it earlier. Mum and I woke up at 8, had showers and packed the car. Nikki woke up eventually and helped clean up stuff inside. We set off at 10 and stopped via IGA for me to get phone credit, then started the journey home. Nikki drove first, then me, and then we stopped at Kiama to visit my great-aunty which was nice. Mum drove home from there and we listened to 70s music the whole time. It was nice to be home again. =)

I hate me without you

Okay, so today we're heading off for a week long holiday down to Merry Beach which is a cool name because it sounds like even the beach wants me to be happy. Although, you know, obviously it doesn't, because it's a beach, and if the people in my life don't want me to be happy, I'm pretty sure a beach won't either.



I want to be the kind of person that wants to go on a holiday with my family. I want to be the kind of person who can enjoy myself in the company of my mum without feeling like I need to talk to someone else to actually bring me some happiness.
I feel so lonely sometimes.



Anyway, I basically just wanted you to know that I am going. Today. And coming back in a week. And I will miss you. I think I'll miss me too.



Ok, well, I'm off to put my life together =)
Be good, and don't talk to strangers unless they offer you candy or a ride.

Go to bed.

Ok, so it's 12:30 at night and I'm blogging. And the person I feel like talking to now is in queensland, asleep, and I have to survive 19 days without seeing his pretty face or kissing his pretty mouth and that makes me sad. And I'm only 6 days in and I'm going completely mental and my brain isn't really functioning properly anymore and it's making homework quite difficult and in fact it's making life quite difficult.

So I've been sitting on my computer in a loneliness coma for a bit of tonight and most of yesterday when I was home alone, and I've been obsessed with Alex Day and Chester See. And, obviously, the brilliance of the Green brothers (I truly don't understand how so much brilliance can come from one family).



Here is a quote from John Green's book Will Grayson, Will Grayson:

When I was little, my Dad used to tell me "Will, you pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose". This seemed like a reasonably astute observation to me when I was eight, but it turns out to be incorrect on a few levels, to begin with you cannot possibly pick your friends or else I never would have ended up with Tiny Cooper.
Tiny Cooper is not the world's gayest person, and he is not the world's largest person. But I believe he may be the world's largest person who is really, really gay, and also the world's gayest person who is really really large. Tiny has been my best riend since 5th grade.

...to read the rest of that quote (I may be bored, but that doesn't stop me being too lazy to write out the whole thing) watch John Green's video here.

And whislt we're speaking of youtube brilliance, here are the lyrics to a lovesong by Hank Green that he wrote a few weeks ago, even though he never writes love songs, but he felt like it:


This song is for a girl
no wait I changed my mind
this song, is for an adult female

Is it just me or is it creepy
how often pet names
Refer to little children

And it's not just girl
and it's not just baby
it's also boy and I think it's where we get shawty

So this song is for the adult female I love
And if there's anything that she's been dreaming of
All she has to do is ask.
Yeah if she wants me to
I'll do whatever she asks me to do
as long as it isn't really evil
or otherwise makes me uncomfortable.
cause that's what love is, and I have it, for her.

This song is about love
But not what we think of as love
especially if we are Justin Bieber

Love is hard and love is messy
And it can hurt worse than fire
And sometimes it makes you want to tear down a
building with your bare hands

But it also happens to be
the best thing that's ever happened to me
And I'm obviously not a big fan of hyperbole.

So this song is for the adult female I love
And if there's anything she's been dreaming of
And if I can acquire it with the amount of money I have
without making myself destitute
then all she has to do is ask
And I'll be with her until the end of time
as long as time ends before one of us dies.
cause that's what love is, and I have it, for her.

All right now

5 Negative Thoughts

1. In life, you will never have enough time. You will never get enough sleep because you're too busy doing homework or hanging out with family and friends and you don't have time for anythign and life is overwhleming.
2. Sometimes, no one really cares if you're miserable, and you are all alone in this huge world.
3. Reality is one huge problem that can never be solved. Give up now.
4. Happiness is like perfume; eventually you get immune to it and you don't even realise how happy you are until you stop being happy. Sadness is the opposite, you feel sadness infinitely.
5. Everything good in life eventually ends, and the absence of happiness is generally sadness. Bad things end too, but that doesn't always lead to happiness.



I know everything is going to be okay, I just feel so lonely, you know? I feel like I have all these people that care about that are just out of reach, because my mum won't let me go and talk to any of them. Then I feel bad because I blame my mum for everything that is quite possibly my fault. I wish I had someone to talk to other than just my sister, I think she's getting sick of me.

Why not be worse?

Happy new year?

ok, so I haven't blogged in a while.
I've actually been busy.
This beautiful thing has happened these holidays, I actually have a life (sitting around watching star wars movies isn't a life ebony, what are you talking about?).
So yeah, I've been off living as much as my mum will allow.
Which isn't very much.
But we won't get into that now.
Anyways, I hope we're all starting 2011 on a high note, and not feeling too old just yet. I haven'y made any resolutions this year, although I have a sort of life plan.



Ebony's life plan for 2011:

Be happy.
Try hard at school, but don't stress out. If all else fails I can always become a teacher. (Oh wait? That's what I want to be? What's the problem them?)
Get a licence. This must be done before the beginning of the footy season.
Earn money. Because I feel guilty when I can't afford things because I spend $600 on photos of myself (I was meant to tell that story ages ago, but something stopped me).
Smile lots. Be optimistic. Life is actually a pretty big gift, enjoy it.
Appreciate time with friends. This is the last year I have a reason to see my people everyday, and after this, our relationship may be a struggle.
Be a generally good person, but don't get too hung up on this. I've spent years feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone. It's ok to be a little bad every now and then.
...that's about it.



I've realised that I'm insanely needy and clingy and that I have problems with myself. I like you because around you I like me. And then, she started saying that stuff and I started liking me less. Now I'm scared to be around you because I no longer think that I'm enough for you. I wish I could get over myself. I felt so sad lying there with you, thinking about how I will never be good enough. Maybe I am good enough? Maybe the fact that you want me means I'm good enough. But maybe I'm not. I guess, either way, I'll survive.



I used to do this. I actually used to think of reasons to go into coles at time I knew you were working. I'm so retarded :L Then again, I would probably still be doing this now if I actually needed anything from coles. I miss you when you're not there. Especially your smell. Nikki said the other day that she was worried because I always say you smell good but I never say you look good. But you do look good. You look amazing. You just smell fucking brilliant.



I don't even have facebook. But one of the only reasons I let her add you as a friend is so that I could stalk you. I don't look at it everyday, I'm not that obsessive (ok, so she changes the password too often) but I did start getting annoyed when it took you too long to change your relationship status.



Sometimes, you make me feel like this. Far out, you can be so irritating. Why do you feel the need to control everything about me? Is it so much to ask to have a life? And you say you try to understand me, but I'm really not that hard to understand so you mustn't be trying too hard. I am a stereotype. I have accepted this. But surely, stereotypes are the easiest to understand. What make me so complicated? Why don't you like me being happy?



It's so easy for me to be miserable these days, I feel like I'm trapped in my own house, and being here makes me sad. Every time I walk in the front door, a wave of sadness washes over me. As if I can feel my mum's disappointment in me radiating out of her body. I miss my dad. I miss him more than I thought I would. I need my licence =S

Merry Christmas

Ok, so I got some awesome Christmas gifts this year, as per usual. Mainly tyres for my car and a pandora bracelet, with one charm :L Oh yeah, and a boyfriend (sort of a christmas present? ask me if you want to know the story :L)



Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis

But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside



I've had an amazing epiphany of late, where I've realised that it's not all my fault. Everything that's wrong in my life isn't all my fault, and I'm not a bad person simply because bad things happen to me. I know that sounds stupid and simple, and perhaps it's an onver simplification of the revalation I have had. But I feel like I am not entirely responsible anymore.



Jessica: And what are you looking at?
Mickey: The fairest beauty that ever stood before the eyes of a man since Helen danced her willing way in the wondering woes of Troy
Jessica: It's only a gift of words that you shower me, but I have to say that they shine
Mickey: Oh you shine, princess, mine, you shine!



I miss the feeling, you know. I miss feeling like this. I miss music and movies and happiness and sadness and all the goo. I don't really like missing it, because it makes me feel all insecure and stuff, but then I guess that's normal. Nikki says I should be a stereotype, and that if there's any time to be lazy and selfish, it's when I'm 17. Dad says I'm selfless. I don't really know who I am, but I like that I'm figuring it out.



I'm the last straw on a camel's back away from saying those three words

How do you get up?

Let me start by saying sorry
I know I don't tell you how I feel
It takes enough to say 'I want you'
but that's not what you need
I care about you
but love's a much stronger word
and "I like you" really doesn't sum up
how much you're worth

---

Getting around to telling people, one by one. Each day a new face, a different hug, another piece of sympathy. Each day nothing changes. What do you want for Christmas? Oh I have a few ideas, none of which you can bring me

---

I will search forever
To find a way back
To tonight, where
It's just you and me and honestly
That's everything I need

---

I'm sorry for being a disappointment. I'm sorry for being insecure with myself. I wish I could be happy being me. But I'm not happy and I doubt I'll ever be happy. I wish I could make you as happy as you say I do. I wish I didn't disappoint you. How can I miss you already?

---

I think if I think too much I’ll think myself away from you
Thinking never does anyone good if it is all too soon
Memories are remedies to stop me wanting you too much
Memory’s my ecstasy to keep me craving you enough

---

I wish things didn't have to change. I like consistency and am always opposed to change. I won't even use Microsoft Office 2007. I feel like life is being overwhelming, but I can just ignore it for a while until it gets terrible, then I'll do something about it. Which is not good. And I haven't even started homework yet. It's so hard, this life thing, isn't it?

---

My eyes are failing me, everywhere I look I see you
I could bake a chocolate cake for you with tiers up to the moon
Could you show me how it’s done, like you showed me how to fall in love?

I will miss you

I didn't want to let go today.
I mean, I normally don't want to let go, but today, I really didn't want to let go.
I feel so happy when I'm with you. Even in the silences that I'm sure you find awkward but I never do, I'm happy. I like being quiet and just holding your hand and sitting there.
And I like walking home with you. Even when I tell you I hate you. I like having my arm around your waist, and I like kissing your cheek. I just like being around you.
And I didn't want to let go.

---


I feel sad a lot when I hear you tell them.
I'm sorry if it upsets you that I'm always crying. This is my way of dealing. I never expected it to be easy.
Sometimes we sit there and cry together, and I feel like we know exactly what each other is thinking. I like knowing what you're thinking. She doesn't want me to know what you're thinking, she gets annoyed when you tell me. I resent her for that. I like knowing things. I need to know things.

---

Sometimes when I talk about the future with you I get scared because I don't know how long you'll be here for. I'm so scared of not having you. I've always had you.
I don't like who I am without you. Your love for me has made me a stronger person. You make me believe I can be good.
I want you to stay in my life.
I will miss you, when you inevitably leave.

---

I usually end up crying so much that I run out of tears but they keep coming now. Or I get dehydrated. Both of which are bad. Maybe worse than running out? I just get sadder and sadder, I guess. And it gets worse and worse. I feel so lonely =S

Choose

Carl Barron: You know sometimes you look at yourself in the mirror, and you look good. You're like "You'd better go out today, Carl, you're looking good, how do you stay single?" and other days you're just like "GET FUCKED"

Far out, story of my life, except I have more Get fucked days than How do I stay single? days. This also works in other aspects of my life. Some days my Dad tells me I'm the most generous person he knows and I feel like I should love myself because I'm a pretty cool cat, and other days my english teacher tells me I'm the most insensitive person she's ever met, and I wonder how I can let myself become quite this terrible.



I'm so sick of life always being a balancing act, and someone always being annoyed at me, and me always being annoyed at me. And sitting here, not being able to figure out how to do my homework because lately I've been having a social life and some sleep. Sometimes I wonder what all of this is working towards anyway, which makes me question the purpose of life, and we all know that that never ends well.




Me: Do you think I would like me more if other people liked me more?
Paul: Probably
Me: I wish people liked me more
Paul: I'll always think you're awesome

I think my problem is that not enough people like me and that I'm a disappointment to most of the people I know. Of course, that's a bit of a cop out, because I know it's my fault for upsetting other people, but I think other people liking me would definitely be good.



I feel very happy at the moment. Everything is going well. Which means I'm bracing myself for diappointing. Isn't it funny, the way life works? When you're sad you think you'll always be sad, and when you're happy, you become sad that the happiness can never last. When do we truly get to be happy? Maybe we live for the perfect moments, even if we know it can only get worse. Maybe that happiness, and that knowledge is what it's all about.



And though admittedly all these moments are just in my head
I'll be thinking about them as I'm lying in bed
And I know that admittedly they might not even come true
But in my mind I'm having a pretty good time with you



I don't think people realise all the crap that's going on with me at the moment because I'm pretending that it doesn't effect me, and I was doing a good job too, and then things changed. I don't know how I'm supposed to handle it, I don't know who I'm supposed to be. Sometimes life becomes so overly complicated that I just want to hide in a hole and read a book and go away from life. Because life is hard, and life hurts. And sadness can become so permanent, and happiness never does, and that pretty much sucks.



I got scars on my heart and they won't go away
Looking for someone to take them from me
Everybody knows I'm a little insane
Do you want me?

Katherine.

Ok, so I finished reading An Abundance of Katherines (John Green guys, John Green) yesterday and it got me so inspired. There are some beautiful quotes in it that I just have to share because they are so full of awesome (just like me). It also got me inspired to continue writing my story (ok, so that may or may not be the book :L)

Which brings me to the next thing I want to talk about (quotes later)
How can I have been so uninspired lately?
In the last year and 9 months (yes, there is significance to that time frame), I have only written 2 parts to my story, and both of them have been sad bits. Which is really sad, because this story is inspired by love.
But I have more to add now (yes, there is also significance to that fact), this is what I wrote yesterday/today:

"Should I be keeping an eye on you two?" Hayden asked jokingly. I liked it when Hayden made fun of us being together even though we weren't (yet?). I liked that Luke was comfortable with Hayden making fun of us being together.
"Oh please" I laughed along "Luke hasn't even kissed me yet" I squeezed his hand a little harder, and poked my tongue out at him. Luke smiled as well.
"We can change that right now if you want?" His question was so much more than a question, we were joking about something we both clearly wanted to much, but couldn't admit to wanting without seeming needy. I wanted to tell him that I wanted it, but I wanted even more for our first kiss to be perfect in a way no other had been. I wanted the fairytale and the romance, and the kiss that people write books about. And this couldn't be it, so I had to say no.
"I can't make it that easy for you sweetie, I'm not just going to tell you what I want, you have to figure it out."
Somewhere in the middle of that statement we stopped dancing the ridiculous dance, it became real, and in that moment we said more to each other than we ever had before.
"So I'm supposed to be able to read your mind?" He asked disbelievingly, as if he was ashamed that I was a cliche girl. But I was in so many ways, because I wanted my fariytale romance, and he just wanted me.
"No, you're supposed to take risks. Half the fun is taking risks, and seeing if they pay off"
He laughed again, as if the metaphor of our conversation didn't even exist, and I was perfectly content to pretend it didn't. As long as he got the hint.

---

Quote time =) (equipped with my [over]analysis)

"What is the point of being alive if you don't as least try to do something remarkable?"

I like this quote because, when you first read it, you think that it is very true, that you should be a remarkable person. But then when you finish the book, you realise that Colin doesn't have to be a genius and he doesn't have to win a Nobel Prize to be a remarkable person. Sometimes, being remarkable is what's in your heart. And maybe it's enough to love others and to treat them well, and maybe that's all that life is about. You don't need a theorem about love to know how to love. You don't need a remarkable achievement to be remarkable.



"Paradoxically, he felt as if getting dumped was the only thing happening on the entire dark and silent planet, and also as if it weren't happening at all. He felt himself drifting away from the one-sided whispered conversation, wondering if maybe everything big and heartbreaking and incomprehensible is a paradox."

I like this quote because it pretends to show the paradox, as if there is no analysing to do that hasn't already been done by Colin, but then it uses the words "big and heartbreaking and incomprehensible" which are a paradox in themselves. And you realise that perhaps life is a paradox, because you sometimes feel as if you are the only person alive, and then sometimes you feel as if you are only a tiny piece of the huge world. And this in itself is a comforting feeling, that our lives can be so insignicant.



"Nerd always say that don't give a shit about popularity; but - not having friends sucks. I never liked "cool" kids, personally - I thought they were all dumb little shits. But I'm probably like them in some ways. Like, the other day, I told Hassan I wanted to matter- like, be remembered. And he said "famous is the new popular." Maybe he's right, and maybe I just want to be famous. I was thinking about this tonight, actually, that maybe I want strangers to think I'm cool since people who actually know me don't."

I like this quote because it shows all the natural human insecurities in a few little words. Everyone wants to be cool, but no one likes the cool kids. Maybe it's because we don't like them, but it's probably because we're jealous. Sometimes we wonder what our purpose in life is, and we so often come to the conclusion that we have to matter, we have to be doctors, or fight poverty. We have to do something that makes life worthwhile. Sometimes we want strangers to like us too, and we want our friends to like us, since we don't like ourselves very much. It's so easy for people to see their own imperfections, and to search for something to make up for it.



"And to Colin's mind, at least, there was a deeper repetition: each time, Katherines dumped him because they just didn't like him. They each came to the same conclusion about him. He just wasn't cool enough or good-looking enough or as smart as they'd hoped - in short, he didn't matter enough. And so it happened to him again and again, until it was boring. But montony doesn't make for painlessness. In the first century CE, Roman authorities punished St. Apollonia by crushing her teeth one by one with pliers. Colin often thought about this in relationship to the monotony of dumping; we have thirty-two teeth. After a while, having each tooth individually destroyed probably gets repetitive, even dull. But it never stops hurting."

I like this quote because it makes me sad in a good way. Heart break, is, well, heart breaking. And eventually, it can probably happen so much it gets boring. Failing at life happens to me so often it gets boring. Sometimes things that hurt me make me cry everyday. Eventually, the tears get repetitive and boring. I cry for the same things over and over. But that doesn't make each tear hurt any less. If anything, it makes it hurt more.



"You can love someone so much, he thought. But you can never love people as much as you can miss them."

I like this quote because it is telling me to appreciate what I have when I have it. You don't know how much something means until you lose it, and it's so easy to take things for granted. And maybe that makes you love them a little less, maybe you don't tell them as often as you should that you love them. Sometimes you forget how much they love you, and you have a fight, and you wish they would get out of your life. But the truth is, you love them. And you would miss them, more than you could ever love them, if they were gone. Imagine that in the future, every friend and family member you have dies. And you feel so alone. And then you're allowed to go back to the past and be with them again. Now imagine this is the past. You have them now. Appreciate them. Love them.



"Colin turned into the store's parking lot and stopped the car, but made no move to get out. "I know you're right. I mean, about me being a self-centered asshole."
"Well, it's only sometimes. But still. Just stop."
"I really don't know how," he said. "How do you stop being terrified of getting left behind and ending up by yourself forever and not meaning anything to the world?""

I like the quote because I am terrified of not meaning anything to the world. Sometimes I'm very sure I don't mean anything to the world, and that scares me. It also makes me self-centered. I'm not proud that I'm like this. But I'm scared to change and then fade away.

still falling

I guess I got the answer to my question, you have finally faced the fact that she will never love you. And you have moved on. And that terrifies the crap out of me. As much as it hurt me to see you go through each day pining over her, I think it will hurt more to see you with someone else. I'm not ready for you to move on yet. I'm not ready for you to be happy. Perhaps it is rather selfish of me to feel like this, and I am a rather selfish person. I know that you would never let this get in the way of what I mean to you. I know I am one of the most important people in your life. I'm going to be able to believe that, I'm going to let you be happy. I care so much for you, that I will value your happiness above all, after all, isn't this what I what I wanted?

---

I'm standing on the edge of something that has the potential to be incredibly beautiful or incredibly ugly and I am holding the balance within my heart. If I just took a chance and trusted myself, I could make this amazing. I could make this life of mine amazing. But I'm scared of taking chances, and I'm even more scared of trusting myself, particularly when it comes to being beautiful.

---

I suppose it should be enough for me that I'm being the best me I can be. But it's not. Because I am a continual disappointment to everyone in my life. And sometimes people deny that, but I can tell that they agree, and that they only deny it out of obligation. I wish I was good enough for someone else in my life, maybe then I'd be good enough for myself.

---

I probably didn't mention this, but a few days ago, I was amazinlgy extremely happy. I didn't mention it because I didn't want to jinx it, and because I knew it wouldn't last because that's how life works. It doesn't last, the happy doesn't last. The sadness sometimes feels like it lasts forever, but I guess it might not either. The point is that the happy didn't last, and it's stupid to think that it ever could because it doesn't and life is a bitch. And now I am, perhaps sadder than I was happy, and tears come so easily lately. I wish I could just sit with you and have you hug me again and tell me that the world is beautiful, because sometimes it is so hard for me to see.

---

I'm going to do english now, it really needs to be done before I leave for work.

=)

Raindrops

Everytime a raindrop falls I cry another tear for what could have been and what never will be because I never let myself take a chance or bend the rules. They tell you to break the rules and then marvel at your stupidty for not listening to those who set the rules, those who are wiser and more knowledgable than you. Was it wrong, after all, to listen to you? Or do I really not know what is best for me, because I am simply an ignorant teenager? What is it that makes us question ourselves and every decision we make? Why do we make excuses for ourselves, and see ourselves with such hating eyes? How can we love ourselves when we spend each day searching for another imperfection? And if we, for just one second stop and see ourselves perfectly we are again ridiculed for being conceited and shallow. We should never feel shame for loving ourselves. We should never feel shame for making mistakes. People are imperfect, and that is ok. Mistakes are what makes us human, irrationality is what makes us beautiful.

---

I'm trying to convince myself that you do what you do because you love me and want to protect me, and not because it terrifies you that I may find happiness. I'm trying to convince myself that you do want me to be happy, and that you tear me away from the people that make me happy because you're scared I will be hurt by them. I'm trying to convince myself that you fight with me because you're trying to teach me lessons, and not because you don't like the person I turned out to be or because I disappoint you and don't live up to your expectations.
But I'm finding it so difficult to believe that.

---

I like being crazy, and I like that a visit to a university makes my rainy day sunny again. And I like that I dance in the rain on the way home and that people in passing cars give me weird looks. And I like that when I'm home alone I crazy dance around the house. And I like that I buy CDs/books/tshirts from people that I've only seen on youtube because I'm so addicted to me computer. And I like that maths makes me happy, and that I do 4 unit for the maths, and don't care if I come last because I don't need the ATAR boost anyway. And I like that being sad makes me happy, and that I think crying is beautiful. I like that I cry everyday and still end up being happier than anyone else I know. I like that people think I'm the person that always smiles. But some part of me wants to be normal, in whatever that word means. Do other people feel like this late at night?

---

He spends everyday hopelessly in love with her, and she says rude things to him and ignores him, and fights with him. He tells her friends that she's upset because he thinks she needs someone to talk to because she doesn't talk to him anymore. How can he go on caring for her day after day? Is this killing him inside? Does he lie in bed at night and cry himself to sleep thinking about the way he is wasting his life on her? Does he think there's still a chance that she may fall for him agai? Or has he finally faced the fact that that will never happen? Why is love so fucking complicated?

Smile because you can

Me: I miss him
Paul: Who's him? There's too many guys that I need to clarify
Me: Oh, you don't know this one
Paul: ...what's the girl version of a pimp?
Me: :(

Patrick: Your momma's so fat, if I pushed her in space, I would move an infinite distance away before she even got anywhere (Physics jokes FTW!)



I wish I could write this feeling like no one will ever read it. But people do read it, people I write about read it, people I write about read it and overanalyse it (ok, just the one :L)

In fact, I overanalyse it as well.
I look over it, and pull it apart and put it back together and try and figure out what it all means. What does it mean? What do I mean? How do I feel? And when did life get so damn complicated?



I miss feeling cared about. I think that's all this shit really is. I miss being hugged everyday simply because I told you I liked it. I miss laughing at nerd jokes with you, I miss buying you Christmas presents, and I miss receiving them from you. I don't miss you, I don't even really talk to you, even though I thought I would. But I miss the idea of having you in my life.



Paul: I am now accepting bff aplications, must:
*be there for me
*not lie, about anything
* Let me get to know you, everything about you, nothing left out
*Not judge me
please be my best friend
Me: I would like to apply
Paul: LOL ok
Me: My name is Ebony, and I'm a pretty good best friend, I think. You must let me steal study notes from you, and let me complain to you about boys, and not judge me for things I do when I'm pmsing
Paul: lol ok

So now Paulie is my best friend =) And I have his physics HSC paper to study from (thus fulfilling the first of his obligations)



I guess, sometimes, it's easier to smile than to cry or tell people how you really feel. When I tell people I don't feel like I have real friends anymore, I laugh. I guess, it's easier to say everything if you say it with a smile.



Talking about you makes me happier than I've been in a while. Talking to you makes me infinitely more happy. when I think of you, I'm not all jumbly anymore, I'm just me. Whoever that is. Whoever it is you talk to. Just having you in my life gives me reason to smile. Thanks for being here =)

Goodnight sunshines, I need to get to bed at a reasonable time tonight =)

You inspired me

Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like everyone you talk to hates you?
Well, that was my day yesterday :L
But today, I'm feeling much more positive, probably because I've done all my homework and I'm not feeling any guilt at the moment =)



I'm not really sure how you changed me. I know that I find myself smilng more now, and that's good. I know that I feel an amazing confidence in myself that I never used to have, because I feel weirdly... loveable. Haha, not that I didn't already think that? I don't know, you just make me feel like someone actually wants to talk to me other than my parents (not that parents aren't totally cool bananas)



I do sometimes feel quite small and I believe this is because I am a perfectionist

"And yet, you still find one thing to obsess over. One form not filled in. One call not returned.

Obviously, this means your entire life has been a failure."

I find that if I have one piece of homework not done, or one assignment not completed at least a week before it's due, I am a failure, and I love how much this quote mocks people like me, because, it makes me realise how insignificant my life is in the grander scheme of things (and makes me feel better about not having my physics prac report finished yet)



I saw you again today, and I felt a bit of sadness. I saw the way your hair falls around your face again, and I saw the way your forehead crinkles when you concentrate really hard again. I saw the way you walk again, and I saw the way you form your body into a percussion instrument at will again.
I don't miss you. But I felt a little sad.

Things of relevance

Hmm, I haven't posted anything of relevance in a while :L
Shailin was telling me on Friday that she found my blog a while ago, and was amazed that I'm blogging, because everyone gave up on the blogspot craze ages ago (yeah, and moved on to facebook, wait, what?)

So yeah, I don't know what to say now :S



I think that's my problem, I need someone to live for. Or something equally stupid and pathetic...



Floating, falling, sweet intoxication!
Touch me, trust me savour each sensation!
Let the dream begin,
let your darker side give in
to the power of the music that I write -
the power of the music of the night .



I thought that maybe seeing your beauty again could make me forget how ugly the rest of the world is. I thought that the lack of your pulchritudinous smile was the reason I chose to hate people. I realise now that this smile had only heightened my hatred of people, mainly because wanting to see this smile so much has heightened my hatred of myself.



Oh well I look at you and say it's the happiest I have ever been
and I'll say "I feel I no longer have to be James Dean",
and She'll say,
"Oh yeah, Well I feel pretty happy too,
And I'm always pretty happy when I'm just kicking back with you".

and it will be
Love Love Love
All through our bodies
Love Love Love
All through our minds
and it'd be
Love love Love
All over her face



So I know we've sort of been avoiding each other lately, but you told me that if I ever needed a friend, you would always be there. So today I decided I would talk to you, and I'm glad I did, because you are quite nice and I miss you sometimes. One day, we should be friends :L



To give me all your love is all I ever asked,
Cause what you don't understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Throw my hand on a blade for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah)
I’d jump in front of a train for ya (yeah, yeah , yeah)
You know I'd do anything for ya (yeah, yeah, yeah) Oh, oh
I would go through all this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ;
But you won't do the same

No, no, no, no
Black, black, black and blue beat me till I'm numb
Tell the devil I said “hey” when you get back to where you're from



I talk to you because you make me feel good about me
And that is mean and manipulative, and oh so very me
And I'm sorry.
You are such a lovely person
And I think I'm taking advantage of that?
I would love to get to know you better though
Thankyou for not trying to be something you're not