My softer world

Confession #32: I hate when I upset you. I wasn't crying because you're an arsehole. I was crying because I made you feel like one. I love you.

"It's not a stoplight. It's a pause for peace."

"Just walk up and surprise me" - i(----)you


Caption: In the caves behind my house I found a softer world.
They understand what I had to do for love.
they don't believe in restraining orders.
Welcome to a softer world.
This picture is titled "What I did for love"
It is one of the cartoons that keep me going.
For the past few years, I've been holding onto these. My survival guide.
In so many ways.
These are my lifeline.
And this is my tribute.

Caption: "Hello! This is an email from a stranger who thinks you're just great!
Also, I respect a woman who organises her fridge so well.
Please don't scream when you turn around?"
Title: A stranger's just a friend you haven't met yet

Caption: I want the woman who yells at the potted plants at the library.
Yes, she's clearly troubled, but she's not helpless.
She doesn't take any shit from vegetables, for instance.
Title: Actually, maybe I want to BE her

Caption: I never wanted anything to happen to my parents
but a hero needs an origin story.

Title: And I'm not even sure gamma radiation would do anything

Caption: I can switch at will between being a man or a woman.
It's not my problem if you get weirded out
because my body stays the same.
Title: Any sufficiently complex system is hackable

Caption: I couldn't see through the blood and tears
I kept saying "Is that all you got?" even after they ran off
"Maybe your mom could come down and help?
Title: Ask her not to wear those army boots though

Caption: I'm gonna close my eyes and spin
And the first person I see is my soulmate
OK, class?
Title: But this doesn't mean an easy A

Caption: Some people collect stamps
I break into priests' hpises
and steal their dirty shorts for my vending machines
Title: I also collect stamps

Caption: I hire a prostitute to play tag and hide and go seek
she thinks it's weird repressed sex stuff
I just miss having friends who are girls
Title: I don't mind paying. It's worth it.

Caption: I've started a terrorist cell
We're going to do away with dating services
We're going to burn down Weight Watchers
Title: I used to want to wear plant bombs the night of the prom.

Caption: Police are saying the sniper's victims appear to have nothing in common.

Well, they do now!
Title: I was a terrible news anchor

Caption: I spend my lunch hours surrounded by people who apologiser for every tough
So today I hugged a stranger
and a thousand lonely people rioted
Title: I couldn't stop smiling in the back of the police car

Caption" My mum's buried out in these woods
She wanted her ashes scattered at sea, but it's like she always said
"No"
Title: It just wasn't reasonable

Caption: The sappy music comes up and I wipe the tears from her face
and into a heart-shaped vial
Tears make the best lube
Title: Not... not that we need it

Caption: The world isn't going to end just because we've done everything wrong.

Though, that would be easier.
Title: Oh fuck, we're doomed! Quick! To the movie theatre!

Caption: Thionking about the infinity of space makes me insane
I never want my kids to feel this small
So yeah, I let them eat whatever
Title: Priorities

Caption: Sometimes, I wish I could take back all my mistakes
but then I think
what if my mother could take back hers?
Title: She told me I was the best mistake she ever made

Caption: I told everyone I built my robot wife for sex
but late at night when we're alone
we mostly play battleship
Title: She's never too tired

Caption: The robot replacement wife laughs at all my jokes
Which was nice at first

Title: But even battleship gets old after 15 years

Caption: The sleepover is an integral part of a young girl's social like.
My firends are here to talk about boys. and laugh.
I'm here because my mother locked me out again.
Title: Smiling fights the lonely moster

Caption: Normal people don't steal dirty panties to feel close to someone

Is that what you're saying?
Title: Tell me another one

Caption: Halfway down she remembered
that Golden Girls was out on DVD
which could have gone in the CONS column
Title: Thankyou for being a friend

Caption: It was a plague nobody expected
pubert again, instead of death
cracking voices, and new bodies we can't understand
Title: The ravages of puberty leave nobody unscathed

Caption: My gramma has this joke where she says "Knock knock"
I say "who's there?"
she says "I can't remember" and starts to cry
Title: This is what frustrates me

Caption: I called my therapist yesterday, in a panic
I said "what if the sky falls again?"
And she said "Well, what if you fall in love?"
Title: True dreams

Caption: As a child, I killed animals
Not for any rish but because they seemed so sad
and I didn't know what else to do
Title: What would they do with their freedom?

Caption: The fall left him with brain damage and two long scars.
We tease him. "Oh him? He fell out of the ugly tree."
He looks most like our brother when he laughs
Title: We miss you

Caption: I was going to figure out the postage
and send you my heart
for Christmas.
But my friends talked me out of it.
They said "why would you send her something broken?"

Title: We've been good but we can't last

Afraid.

Confession #16: Although I got over you more than a year ago, I still care what you think of me. I want you to finally give a damn.

“My point is, when I fall in love, I fall HARD. I fall for real, and I fall completely.”

"Your lips should be against mine." - CobbleStone

I'm not sure when I decided I would go against who I thought I was.

Maybe I'm just not the person I used to know.
I'm not the person I wanted to be.
Maybe... I never was.

And I hate what this all comes down to.
Me never being the right person.
Never making the right choices.

I went down a path of making decisions I wasn't ready for.
And I made up my mind not to do that in the future.
But I did.
I did it again.

I still... love this new me though.
I'm so happy being her.
She smiles much more easily.
She knows what she wants. She goes and gets it.
Sure, she cares about everyone else.
But she actually gives a damn about herself.
She will let you take her photo.

Although I hate that this person is not someone the old me would approve of.
And it's not someone that society will approve of.
It's someone I WANT to be.
I want to love myself.

...And I do.

Another year older

Confession #46: I'm terrified of becoming someone I'll hate. But I'm pretty sure I'm on that road.

"I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure – which is: try to please everybody."

"You want more; so do I." – October

I'm back from camp, another year older. (Actually only a week, but, still, in numbers)

And, for the irst birthday in my life, I don't feel old enough. I don't feel 16.
I feel like my life is on fast forward at the moment, I'm just living day to day without any time for anything.
I've suddenly moved from being too young to care about life to old enough to know what I'm doing. I feel like, I have freedom now. Freedom I don't necessarily want.

I'm not sure how much I believe that age is just a number. To me, it has to be more.

And more than that, I've started thinking about myself differently too.
This is not necessarily bad, though, because I have a lot more confidence in myself, and I start to see myself as possibly being loveable. Perhaps even by me. But it has some bad parts as well. I see a change that no one else can.

I know that camp changed me, as it always does. But I think it changed a lot of people. I don't like the new me as much, I just like how she sees herself.

Does anyone else feel different?

Ciao for now

Confession #29: I stopped writing memoirs when I stopped caring about my opinion.

"i tried to write you a poem today. it didn't work. it was choppy and uneven. and had horrible rythym. free verse was out of the question, but rhyming messed it up. i have come to the conclusion that maybe, words can't describe you. or the way you make me feel. or else, i'm just a terrible poet."

"Vision gets distorted. Blink. Wet cheeks." - InnuendoBatman



Camp tomorrow!
Which means that next time we correspond I shall be 16.
And old enough (and possibly wise enough) to get my Ls.
Aside from the minor issue that I don't have time to go and do the test.



Tell me your story, and I'll tell you mine.
We'll curlourselves up in a blanket
And sip our hot chocolate
And much on our tim tams
And we'll watch the stars
Wrapped in each others arms
Telling our stories.



I'd pay 5 cents to kiss you =)
Goodbye everybody, don't miss me too much.

If wishes were horses

Confession #38: I care more about what other people want from me than what I want from myself.

"To me Wasting Time is about how there are people who are so bothered by what everyone else is doing that they forget who they are themselves."
"I believe in words, music, wishes." – samsara-rain



Here is my wishlist. Because everyone has the right to wishes =)

1. Overqualified
" Cover letters are all the same. They're useless. You write the same lies over and over again, listing the store-bought parts of yourself that you respect the least. God knows how they tell anyone apart, but this is how it's done.

And then one day a car comes out of nowhere, and suddenly everything changes and you don't know if he'll ever wake up. You get out of bed in the morning, and when you sit down to write another paint-by-numbers cover letter, something entirely different comes out.

You start threatening instead of begging. You tell impolite jokes. You talk about your childhood and your sexual fantasies. You sign your real name and you put yourself honestly into letter after letter and there is no way you are ever going to get this job. Not with a letter like this.

And you send it anyway."
That's what the book is about.


2. Dragons cap

You see, last ANZAC Day, when I went to the footy with my dad + sister, the sun was in our eyes. And everyone else had a cool cap. And I didn't. And it was very sad. And you don't want me to be sad, do you?


3. Star Wars Poster.

From episode 5, because it was clearly the best episode. Having most action with least confusion. And I want a poster because the only one I have in my room at the moment is all puppies. And they are getting lonely. And if you get me a poster with yoda or one of the droids on it, I will love you for always and forever. =)


4. An in flames tshirt.

I dont have many tshirts that fit me at the moment, because my family refuses to take me shopping. and I've decided to only buy stuff iI like. Hence the yoda. In flames is cool, though, and I want a tshirt.


5. A set of rainbow highlighters.

Like, a really big set. Not the crappy 4 colours and they call it rainbow. A REAL rainbow. I will share them, i promise. =) And I will study with them, and they will make me happy.


6. Hugs

Because hugs are the best thing ever. And when the free hugs guy gets old and sad, I'm gonna steal his job. And I'm going to wonder around the city, and hug everyone who needs a hug. I like hugs. =)

Are you beauty or the beast?

Confession #62: I have self adequacy issues.

“I didn’t know quite what to say, sometimes words get in the way.”

"Not confident- just loud and outrageous" - bounce

There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard,
No song that I could sing
But I can try for your heart,

Our dreams, and they are made out of real things,
Like a shoebox of photographs,
With sepiatone loving,

Love is the answer
At least for most of the questions in my heart,
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?

It's not always easy,
And sometimes life can be deceiving,
I'll tell you one thing, its always better when we're together


MMM, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together


And all of these moments
Just might find their way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone,
When the morning light sings

And brings new things,
But tomorrow night you see
That they'll be gone too,
Too many things I have to do,

But if all of these dreams might find their way
Into my day to day scene
I'll be under the impression,
I was somewhere in-between

With only two,
Just me and you
Not so many things we got to do,
Or places we got to be
We'll sit beneath the mango tree now


Yeah, it's always better when we're together
MMM, We're somewhere in-between together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together


MmMMmm MmMMm MmMMm
I believe in memories
They look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when, and when I wake up,
You look so pretty sleeping next to me

But there is not enough time,
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing,
We're better together

"Beatles were right; life went on"

"... maybe I should see a counsellor"

"Eating twisties to taste like him"

"He wore my favourite smile today"

"Hello and welcome to original sin"

"Shit happens and people get hurt"

"Beautiful beyond all possible previous beauties"

"Leaving doesn't make your problems disappear"

"A fool in love with words"

"Set everyone in my dream allight."

"Not failing; making room for improvement."

"Spamming mind. Filtering through junk thoughts."

"Felt fat. Ate another cookie. Smiled"

"She's loud.
No, she's just pretending"

"'Don't do this.' You always do"

"Wanna hear something perfectly crazy?
Love"

"Average girl turned extraordinary through love"

"I'll be special if you want"

"Denying it. It's not going away"

"Don't feel beautiful without my mask"

PS: I love you.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps

Confession #14: I'm totally craving jelly, and cookies and cream right now.

" There are a million important things to do. But none as important as lying here next to you. "

"The biggest war is inside ourselves." – Still small. Still searching



I've decided to stop being so damn selfish. Because I know I am all the time. And quite frankly, I'm sick of it. I've decided that from today, I'm going to be a better person. There will be no more Ebonytime. Ebony needs to spend more time with other people. I will slightly neglect my Sims even. I'm going to stop doing things for myself, and start doing things for other people. This has gone on long enough.

Even for me.

Confession #43: Okay, I admit it. I am PMSing. =S

"And although we adore men individually, we agree that as a group they’re rather stupid."

"Screw eloquence. Awkward moments radiate beauty." – theliterarybulimic

I am so sick of these bloody moodswings.
I keep changing for happy to bitchy to hormonal to depressed to self concious, all in a number of minutes.
AND IT IS PISSING ME OFF!



Sometimes life is just sad.
And sometimes you work so hard for something, and in the end, you don't even get what you want. And it's not just something you want, it's something you need. Something you're gonna learn to live without. And maybe that's what growing up is all about. Learning to live without the things that you need.



Everyday is filled with daisies, if you look hard enough. Sometimes you have to stop looking at all the dirty, and focus on the flowers growing from them. You need to plant some seeds, too, if you want to see flowers. And sometimes they won't grow and you will have wasted all that time. And then sometimes they grow to be beautiful, and it is worth every second you put in.



Yeah, actually, I do complain a lot. I'm ungrateful and whiney, and basically not worth it. But when we complain together, now that's something beautiful. All of you is beautiful. I love complaining about things with you because they don't suck anymore. You make everything stop sucking. You make everything beautiful. You made my bad day amazing. You are amazing.



I'm afraid time is going to pass so fast that I never get a chance to apreciate you and I know that eventually, it will be too late. And there's a looming feeling in me that eventually is coming sooner than I want it to. I know that I've let chances like this slip by me before, and that that should be some incentive not to let it happen again. But I also have a little part of me saying that it's too late, I've already lost you. There's nothing left for it...



And I think I'm slowly becoming that person I swore I never would.
The one who doesn't really give a damn about anyone other than herself.
Even the selfless things I do, I do them for selfish reasons.
And I hate who I'm becoming.
And I promised myself I'd change.
And I thought I was doing so well at that.
But turns out... I'm not.



Now imagine feeling all of those emotions in 30 seconds.
STUPID CRAPPY DAY!!!!!!
=S

ps: i love you

My Greatest Adventure

Confession #23: I thought about you for the end of the science exam. It makes me sad. I wish it didn't.

"I am feeling the need to do some drinking. Actually, I’m feeling the need to do some crying, but my tear ducts seem to be too proud, so I am going to do some drinking instead."

"Death; giving life meaning since creation." – coulda.been.a.comet

But I don't really wanna think like that.
It's scary.
I don't know what to do, that's all.
I don't know what's expected of me.
Why is life so bloody hard to deal with?



I've realised that I don't have a problem with my old attitude.
I don't mind if I rant every now and then.
This is my blog, it is my space.
I'm a hormonal bitchy teenage girl. THIS IS WHAT WE DO.
And when it's not ranty, it's all lovey dovey. =L
I just mood swing a lot.

I find the prospect of tomorrows to be very hopeful.
I know they tell you to live everyday as if it is your last, but I think that's stupid.
If today was my last day there's no way in hell I would spend 4 hours of it doing exams.
But since I have the rest of my life and all that, I guess it's ok.
Besides, camp next week. =)
Which also happens to include MY BIRTHDAY (again).

I am home.
After everything I've gone through to get here.
I'm home.
I feel... cared about.
Maybe I can actually get something right, while I'm here too.
(No, I don't know why I'm suddenly happy, I think it had something to do with perspective)

I have a feeling one of us has gone completely crazy.
And I'm actually quite certain that it's me.
Which is... a bit of an issue.
To say the least.
But whilst I'm sitting here.
All crazy and all.
I think I might just enjoy it.

PS: I love you.

Miss me.

Confession #13: I just realised that I haven't blogged all week and thus broke my new years resolution. In bloody november =(

"The average person tells 4 lies a day, or 1460 a year a total of 88,000 by the age of 60. And the most common lie is: I’m fine."

"They say I'm like my mother......" - katielea



Dammit. Sometime I feel like a royal idiot.
And I'm not really sure why.
I mean, I can't really think of something particularly stupid I've done lately.
I'm just so sad.
Most of the time it's because big things are so far out of my control and I want to help, or stop things from happening, or just create a smile, but I can't. Because I'm so insignificant.



I feel like stuffing a huge pillow in my face.
Or whacking myself over the head with something.
I feel like hiding, actually.
Because everything is so much bigger than me.
And I am so small.
I don't even matter.



I'm trying so hard to be better, to do better, to act better.
I'm not so sure I even know what IS better.
What am I comparing it all to?

...what the hell am I even doing?



I know that.
I know they're not the best.
I just don't know what I want from the best.
I don't know what I want from myself.
I don't know where I'm going.
And I don't know who I'm taking.
But you're all welcome to come along for the ride.



And then you mention something that you've been hiding the whole time and there's nothing I can really do but cry because you didn't trust me to know in the first and you definately don't trust me to be able to help and I thought that maybe I was actually good for you but now I realise that I'm exactly what you don't need and nothing I ever do will be good enough for someone as beautiful as you and I know I'm not worth it but I thought I was because I've always put all this effort into doing the right thing before I realise that what I'm doing is wrong and it's a vicious cycle I'm stuck in and in the end I know I'm just going to end up lonely.



I don't even know who would miss me at this stage.
Everyone seems so happy to just walk away and leave me here.
I think people just assume I don't need them.
Because I don't tell them everyday like I used to.
And I want to tell you all how much I need you.
But I'm so embarrassed.
To be tied to something so insignificant.


Ugh, I think I need to go to bed.
Sorry for my ranting.

Fairy

Holy SHIT!

(Trust me, that was appropriate)

Guess who just commented on my blog?

Oooh, I feel like doing a happy dance right about now.

Do you guys remember ages ago when I introduced you to the fabulouomundo blog called Clever Girl Goes Blog?

Well, anyways, she had this awesome blogpost, where she asked all her readers to comment, telling her a little bit about themselves, and linking her to their blog. I, being wishful, and a religious reader, commented.

And she commented on my last post!!!

Ok, sorry for freaking out (but this is so awesome!!), back to normal blogginess now.

---

Confession #54: I thought I was happy, but I've been crying a lot lately...

"There are no limitations, other than those you put on yourself."

"Caterpillar waiting to be a butterfly" - coulda.been.a.comet

i like that you ramble when you're nervous.
i like that i know that you ramble when you're nervous,
and i like that i still make you nervous

Don't be surprised if I stumble over my words when I talk to you, it's only cause it's hard to talk with a big grin on my face & don't be surprised if I can't look you in the face when we talk, it's only cause sometimes it hurts to look at something so perfect.

And though I move my world to be with him
Still the gap between us is too widce



I still get lost in your eyes
And, it seems,
I can't live a day without you

It is not so much our friends' help that helps us
as the confident knowledge that they will help us.

To be brave is to love someone unconditionally,
without expecting anything in return.
To just give.
That takes courage,
because we don't want to fall on our faces
or leave ourselves open to hurt.

‘Maybe this is what I really wanted to do:
cook in a kitchen that smelled of buttermilk and spices
and wait for someone to come home to me from work.
I wouldn’t have to move to a new place
and live among strangers
or try to keep up with students ten times smarter than me.
The daydream felt safe and cozy,
but letting myself think about it made me feel ashamed.’

=)
I put some twilight quotes in the pictures especially for Tia =)