Friday, 16 July 2010
You are here. With me.
Tomorrow, I will be strong, and I will not let it hurt me. I will be there for people, and I will not crack. But if I do, I know you will still forgive me, and that gives me hope.
Tuesday, 13 July 2010
Avoidance
I might just be blogging to avoid my english essay, and yes that makes me feel guilty, but I don't care about english, and I want to care, because it has to count, but I just can't do it. And I'm not one to give up on things, but I think I'm giving up on this.
And I feel bad for quitting the fight. I feel worse for knowing it's not the first fight I've quit lately. But this is the first one I've admitted to, instead of giving stupid feeble excuses.
So here I am. Being a quitter. Being a quitter, and giving up, and pretending that it's ok. And pretending that how I feel is ok. And pretending that lying to myself is okay. Lying about everything. And I need to talk to you, and tell you how I feel, and why I feel it, but you never seem to want to talk to me, so I'm not going the start the conversation like I always do, I'm going to wait and hope that you want to talk to me too.
And I thought that it went away. I thought that my feelings about you went away, and that you had no bearing on my life anymore, but I still feel exactly the same. And now it's the easy way out, I want that easy way out. I want someone who's felt how I feel to come and tell me that it's ok, and that I'll be fine, and I want that person to be you but I don't want to want that person to be you.
"I wanna break up the madness but it’s all I have.
My life is pretty much screwed up right now.
I’m so miserable and sometimes I think of just stopping it all. Of dying. But then I remind myself that one day it’s all gonna get better and I’ll be happy.
It’s all that I have, my madness, and I’m going to keep it"
I feel a little internally mental at the moment, and I would like to say what I am thinking but people might take what I mean seriously, and that would be bad, because I don't take myself seriously, and my emotions change by the day, and people shouldn't know what I feel today because I won't feel like this tomorrow.
And what I'm saying doesn't make sense.
So I'll leave.
Now,
Goodbye.
Wish you were here.
And I feel bad for quitting the fight. I feel worse for knowing it's not the first fight I've quit lately. But this is the first one I've admitted to, instead of giving stupid feeble excuses.
So here I am. Being a quitter. Being a quitter, and giving up, and pretending that it's ok. And pretending that how I feel is ok. And pretending that lying to myself is okay. Lying about everything. And I need to talk to you, and tell you how I feel, and why I feel it, but you never seem to want to talk to me, so I'm not going the start the conversation like I always do, I'm going to wait and hope that you want to talk to me too.
And I thought that it went away. I thought that my feelings about you went away, and that you had no bearing on my life anymore, but I still feel exactly the same. And now it's the easy way out, I want that easy way out. I want someone who's felt how I feel to come and tell me that it's ok, and that I'll be fine, and I want that person to be you but I don't want to want that person to be you.
"I wanna break up the madness but it’s all I have.
My life is pretty much screwed up right now.
I’m so miserable and sometimes I think of just stopping it all. Of dying. But then I remind myself that one day it’s all gonna get better and I’ll be happy.
It’s all that I have, my madness, and I’m going to keep it"
I feel a little internally mental at the moment, and I would like to say what I am thinking but people might take what I mean seriously, and that would be bad, because I don't take myself seriously, and my emotions change by the day, and people shouldn't know what I feel today because I won't feel like this tomorrow.
And what I'm saying doesn't make sense.
So I'll leave.
Now,
Goodbye.
Wish you were here.
Monday, 12 July 2010
Ole!
Yeah, it was a beautiful day, hanging out in the city, being a wog, and celebrating our awesome victory.
It was a beautiful day singing in Spanish, and cheering people with vuvuzelas.
It was a beautiful day eating tapas, and drinking sangria, with high spirits.
But why did you have to miss this?
You're probably the biggest fan of soccer that Iknow knew.
And you're definitely the biggest fan of Spain I've ever met.
And this was our year. The first time we made the finals, and the first time we won the final. You would have been ecstatic.
But you're not.
You're still sitting in a box.
And I wish you could be here to celebrate this with me. With us.
I wish I could see your smile again.
I wish I could see that beautiful pride you have for your homeland.
I miss you.
And I didn't know that I would. But I do. And I want you to come back now. Because it's hard without you. It's hard to be happy. It's hard to celebrate, when all I want to do is cry.
It was a beautiful day singing in Spanish, and cheering people with vuvuzelas.
It was a beautiful day eating tapas, and drinking sangria, with high spirits.
But why did you have to miss this?
You're probably the biggest fan of soccer that I
And you're definitely the biggest fan of Spain I've ever met.
And this was our year. The first time we made the finals, and the first time we won the final. You would have been ecstatic.
But you're not.
You're still sitting in a box.
And I wish you could be here to celebrate this with me. With us.
I wish I could see your smile again.
I wish I could see that beautiful pride you have for your homeland.
I miss you.
And I didn't know that I would. But I do. And I want you to come back now. Because it's hard without you. It's hard to be happy. It's hard to celebrate, when all I want to do is cry.
Thursday, 1 July 2010
The Horrible
Bones break, organs burst, flesh tears.
We can sew the flesh, repair the damage, ease the pain.
But when life breaks down, when we break down, there's no science.
No hard and fast rules.
We just have to feel our way through.
"What's the point?
The world is a horrible place. Young people die of diseases. It makes absolutely no sense to try to be happy in such a horrible place"
"Yes"
"What?"
"Yes, horrible things do happen.
Happiness, in the face of all that, that's not the goal.
Feeling the horrible, and knowing that you're not going to die from those feelings; that's the point."
I am not going to die from the horrible.
ps: happy birthday lisa =) i hope your day was as special as you ;)
We can sew the flesh, repair the damage, ease the pain.
But when life breaks down, when we break down, there's no science.
No hard and fast rules.
We just have to feel our way through.
"What's the point?
The world is a horrible place. Young people die of diseases. It makes absolutely no sense to try to be happy in such a horrible place"
"Yes"
"What?"
"Yes, horrible things do happen.
Happiness, in the face of all that, that's not the goal.
Feeling the horrible, and knowing that you're not going to die from those feelings; that's the point."
I am not going to die from the horrible.
ps: happy birthday lisa =) i hope your day was as special as you ;)
Wednesday, 30 June 2010
I don't HAVE to like myself, right?
i think we're all a bit insane on the inside.
we all go around and pretend that nothing's wrong until that moment that it all adds up and we fall apart, and there's nothing we can do anymore because we've tried everything, and if we could just explain it, if we could just put into words how we feel, then everythiung would be okay, because we could understand each other and maybe we'd realise we're all pretty much the same. but instead we spend our lives on the edge of a cliff that we can never climb over, and we're too scared to let go of.
and, you know, there are moments, and they seem to make everything ok, and it gives you hope, and that's beautiful and wonderful. and you think things might change, and you feel these revelations, and the music in your mind plays, and the credits roll, and it's all sunshine and lollipops. until you realise that it's a just a moment, and that things are not going to change, your life is not going to fix itself by the end of the episode. and sometimes, the main characters are the ones that die.
and then you become, like, this gigantic burden on everyone you know, telling them all your stupid crap, and crying all over them at the train station, and making them ask a thousand times if you're ok, and you say yes, but you don't really know, do you? and you wish you could just wait a while before you dealt with them, all these people, instead of laying all the crap on them. but, you just can't, because life goes on, and you have to keep up with everything.
so you ask yourself, are you okay?
because i don't think i am anymore.
we all go around and pretend that nothing's wrong until that moment that it all adds up and we fall apart, and there's nothing we can do anymore because we've tried everything, and if we could just explain it, if we could just put into words how we feel, then everythiung would be okay, because we could understand each other and maybe we'd realise we're all pretty much the same. but instead we spend our lives on the edge of a cliff that we can never climb over, and we're too scared to let go of.
and, you know, there are moments, and they seem to make everything ok, and it gives you hope, and that's beautiful and wonderful. and you think things might change, and you feel these revelations, and the music in your mind plays, and the credits roll, and it's all sunshine and lollipops. until you realise that it's a just a moment, and that things are not going to change, your life is not going to fix itself by the end of the episode. and sometimes, the main characters are the ones that die.
and then you become, like, this gigantic burden on everyone you know, telling them all your stupid crap, and crying all over them at the train station, and making them ask a thousand times if you're ok, and you say yes, but you don't really know, do you? and you wish you could just wait a while before you dealt with them, all these people, instead of laying all the crap on them. but, you just can't, because life goes on, and you have to keep up with everything.
so you ask yourself, are you okay?
because i don't think i am anymore.
Tuesday, 29 June 2010
Are you ReadY?
Maybe it's a fall from grace
I gotta find a new place
A holiday
I'll set off on a new chase
I gotta see a new face
I need to take a holiday
I feel that it's hard enough to say good-bye.
I feel there's the water. Should I sink or dive?
An empty plate, fill up my sentimental morning star.
I steal the art of putting truth in a lie.
Maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
All my resistance will never be distance enough
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
if nobody is, that would explain some things
I wanna believe
How can i believe
You're making me doubt
I thought i knew you
I don't even know myself
I'm losing faith
I'm losing all faith
You're breaking my heart
And he's not in a state to be readily left in my hands
In my hands, in my hands, in my hands
Hey love, live it up
Cuz I'm getting closer
And I want love, give it up
This poetry and prose and words are not enough
Cuz you're more than melody to me...I think
You didn't have to be so mad
When you ran across the road
The light alone soon told me
You had a heavy load
But I can't see why you didn't stay
Why you didn't come to see if I felt
The same way
And I do
Hands
Let me hold you
Eyes
Let me see your face
Smile again
As the world
Goes tumbling
I didn't see it coming
It took me by surprise
Just when I wasn't looking
I noticed all the lies
Let's take it right from the start
Can't bare us to be apart no more
Don't walk away from me now
Cant lose the love that I found
I'll promise you no more tears, or fears
Just give me a chance to show you
So you lie there holding your breath
And it's strange how soon you forget
That you're like stars
They only show up when it's dark
Cause they don't know their worth
And I think you need
To stop following misery's lead
Stand up please til I'm done losing my mind
And i've thanked you all just one too many times
The more we fall the harder we must climb
Cos' everybody loves a circus show
But I'm the only clown you'll ever know
And now you can applaud my best mistake
I love you was too many words to say
I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.
Swept away by the wonder of it all
So amazed; never saw it coming
Left me dazed
And I don't know where to turn
Here and now
Seems I'm standing on the edge
Looking down
I can clearly see your face
In the crowd
Makes me feel i'm not alone
If I fall
Will you catch me?
Yeah they talk about her
She smiles like shes so tough
She says
"hey can you talk a little louder,
I don't think my heart is broken enough"
Will your lips speak what is true
If you say that this is where you belong
That's all I want, from you
In the garden of my deepest soul
I've tripped again and things are starting to get interesting
Don't give me choices cause I can't decide
My mind is soaked in words
I've come to terms with all my insecurities
And purities no friend of mine
And dreaming doesn't do no good
Cause I don't wanna lie
That I'm okay and I'm alright
I'd rather take it and forget it
Consider this a warning
Cause I'll start another fight
And you'll say its all alright
I'll wait for the day when you find I'm too much for you, baby
So lay your hands over me
And feel what you only see
But don't bother wasting your time if you're trying to change me
I gotta find a new place
A holiday
I'll set off on a new chase
I gotta see a new face
I need to take a holiday
I feel that it's hard enough to say good-bye.
I feel there's the water. Should I sink or dive?
An empty plate, fill up my sentimental morning star.
I steal the art of putting truth in a lie.
Maybe I'm not up for being a victim of love
All my resistance will never be distance enough
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
And if this is giving up, then I'm giving up
if nobody is, that would explain some things
I wanna believe
How can i believe
You're making me doubt
I thought i knew you
I don't even know myself
I'm losing faith
I'm losing all faith
You're breaking my heart
And he's not in a state to be readily left in my hands
In my hands, in my hands, in my hands
Hey love, live it up
Cuz I'm getting closer
And I want love, give it up
This poetry and prose and words are not enough
Cuz you're more than melody to me...I think
You didn't have to be so mad
When you ran across the road
The light alone soon told me
You had a heavy load
But I can't see why you didn't stay
Why you didn't come to see if I felt
The same way
And I do
Hands
Let me hold you
Eyes
Let me see your face
Smile again
As the world
Goes tumbling
I didn't see it coming
It took me by surprise
Just when I wasn't looking
I noticed all the lies
Let's take it right from the start
Can't bare us to be apart no more
Don't walk away from me now
Cant lose the love that I found
I'll promise you no more tears, or fears
Just give me a chance to show you
So you lie there holding your breath
And it's strange how soon you forget
That you're like stars
They only show up when it's dark
Cause they don't know their worth
And I think you need
To stop following misery's lead
Stand up please til I'm done losing my mind
And i've thanked you all just one too many times
The more we fall the harder we must climb
Cos' everybody loves a circus show
But I'm the only clown you'll ever know
And now you can applaud my best mistake
I love you was too many words to say
I've been watching your world from afar,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And I've been secretly falling apart,
I'll see.
To me, you're strange and you're beautiful,
You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.
Swept away by the wonder of it all
So amazed; never saw it coming
Left me dazed
And I don't know where to turn
Here and now
Seems I'm standing on the edge
Looking down
I can clearly see your face
In the crowd
Makes me feel i'm not alone
If I fall
Will you catch me?
Yeah they talk about her
She smiles like shes so tough
She says
"hey can you talk a little louder,
I don't think my heart is broken enough"
Will your lips speak what is true
If you say that this is where you belong
That's all I want, from you
In the garden of my deepest soul
I've tripped again and things are starting to get interesting
Don't give me choices cause I can't decide
My mind is soaked in words
I've come to terms with all my insecurities
And purities no friend of mine
And dreaming doesn't do no good
Cause I don't wanna lie
That I'm okay and I'm alright
I'd rather take it and forget it
Consider this a warning
Cause I'll start another fight
And you'll say its all alright
I'll wait for the day when you find I'm too much for you, baby
So lay your hands over me
And feel what you only see
But don't bother wasting your time if you're trying to change me
Friday, 25 June 2010
Looking for myself out here
Makes me wonder if I could live without love, really
And I think the world could live without pride
I'm not into deep-fried chicken, or any chicken for that matter.
I won't always need a best friend to stick up for me
I could live without the first dance, I guess
Freeze-dried romance sounds far too modern to me
Five hours is a long time to be on the phone, I'm sure three is plenty
I've never been a fan of soy lattes
But I think I miss you?
And I think the world could live without pride
I'm not into deep-fried chicken, or any chicken for that matter.
I won't always need a best friend to stick up for me
I could live without the first dance, I guess
Freeze-dried romance sounds far too modern to me
Five hours is a long time to be on the phone, I'm sure three is plenty
I've never been a fan of soy lattes
But I think I miss you?
Wednesday, 23 June 2010
Hope.
" You're all that I hoped I'd find
In every single way
And everything I could give
Is everything you couldn't take
Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay
Because I know I'm good for something
I just haven't found it yet
But I need it"
---
"Four hundred years ago, a well-known English guy had an opinion about being alone. John Donne. He thought we were never alone. Of course, it was fancier when he said it. "No man is an island entire unto himself." Boil down that island talk, and he just meant that all anyone needs is someone to step in and let us know we're not alone."
I am stepping in.
You are not alone.
...if you don't want to be.
Tuesday, 22 June 2010
Songs for a rainy day
Ebony's Winter Playlist (for the days you need motivation to get out of bed)
please at least listen to these songs. it will make me happy
and we all want ebony to be happy!
Trouble - never shout never
Hold up a light - take that
Hey Jude - David Choi (originally by the beatles)
Let's pretend - plain white ts
tell me why - taylor swift
come on eileen - dexy's midnight runners
watermark - the weakerthans
light years - wes carr
brave face - delta goodrem
the reason why - the click five
miserable at best - mayday parade
us against the world - christina milian
everything - michael buble
ordinary miracle - sarah mclachlan
vertigo - u2
when i see you smile - warrent
something - escape the fate
only one - yellowcard
18th floor balcony - blue october
cupid's chokehold - gym class heroes
please at least listen to these songs. it will make me happy
and we all want ebony to be happy!
Trouble - never shout never
Hold up a light - take that
Hey Jude - David Choi (originally by the beatles)
Let's pretend - plain white ts
tell me why - taylor swift
come on eileen - dexy's midnight runners
watermark - the weakerthans
light years - wes carr
brave face - delta goodrem
the reason why - the click five
miserable at best - mayday parade
us against the world - christina milian
everything - michael buble
ordinary miracle - sarah mclachlan
vertigo - u2
when i see you smile - warrent
something - escape the fate
only one - yellowcard
18th floor balcony - blue october
cupid's chokehold - gym class heroes
Sunday, 20 June 2010
Free falling
“You told me it'd be ok. But you were the one crying.
"I love how you come over to me and start laughing and I start laughing too, and nothing's actually funny. But we both want an excuse to talk to each other. And maybe even an excuse to fall in love."
"Every atom of me misses you. Not a day goes by when you aren't etched in the regions of my mind. We're as different as can be. A realist, and an optimist. A goofy boy, and a serious young lady. An athlete of sorts, and a nerd. Someone who likes the Top 40, and someone who cringes at anything mainstream. Someone who is letting go, and someone who is holding on."
But sometimes it feels like we both let go, hoping we'd catch each other.
Now we're just free falling.
You know what I hate? Not telling you. Because I tell you everything. But now you know too much, and just when I was about to tell you I remembered that you know too much. And now I just want some pecan custard pie.
You told me to let go. But you were the one holding onto my shirt.”
"I love how you come over to me and start laughing and I start laughing too, and nothing's actually funny. But we both want an excuse to talk to each other. And maybe even an excuse to fall in love."
"Every atom of me misses you. Not a day goes by when you aren't etched in the regions of my mind. We're as different as can be. A realist, and an optimist. A goofy boy, and a serious young lady. An athlete of sorts, and a nerd. Someone who likes the Top 40, and someone who cringes at anything mainstream. Someone who is letting go, and someone who is holding on."
But sometimes it feels like we both let go, hoping we'd catch each other.
Now we're just free falling.
You know what I hate? Not telling you. Because I tell you everything. But now you know too much, and just when I was about to tell you I remembered that you know too much. And now I just want some pecan custard pie.
“You always believed what you saw. Until you learned to believe what you felt.
Do what you feel is right and you will always be doing the right thing."
Friday, 18 June 2010
Injuries/feelings/fighting
I currently have 5 band aids in various places on my person, and would have one on my finger, except I think it's too much of a waste for 24 clumsy hours.
The main reason for my bandaidage is blisters on my feet because it is clearly impossible to design shows that are comfortable. Also, my sister made me go shopping with her to buy stockings which is good because I burnt I hole in my work pants from the iron and needed to buy new ones.
I have a bad habit of picking at my fingers when I finish exams early, which is basically every exam I do, and yesterday I picked at my thumb after chem. I think I just get bored? Either way, I'm, a walking disaster area.
It's funny that all these injuries coincided with a week that my life is slightly falling apart (or maybe that's just my mind).
---
I think it is human, natural, and beautiful to be flawed. I think our quirks are what make us unique, different, are what make us who we are. They give us happiness, sadness, confusion; they give us purpose. But, there are a great number of times in my day when I wish I was not so flawed. Times I wish I could just shut up and stop talking, because everything I say annoys someone. Times I wish I could look away, turn around and walk away from what I feel; make a choice, and follow through. Times I wish I could mention a friend's name without people giving me sideways glances, I wish I could look forward to an assessment task (don't judge), without people finding alterior motives, I wish I could make eye contact with people, without others getting offended, I wish I could shake a tree without sarcastic comments.
But I made this choice. I made this choice by deciding to not keep secrets. By telling everyone everything they ask to know, and not lying, I've made a choice to put up with the glances, the comments, and the overanalysing.
I don't regret my choices, and I don't back down when people question why I'm so open.
This is who I want to be. The girl that tells everyone everything, and shakes trees, and grazes her knees fighting for chocolate. I'm the girl who fights for what I want. Whether it means scratching myself on the ground, or giving in to the teasing from my friends, and the overawaredness of other peoples' presence, I'm willing to fight. I'm willing to fight for what I think is right, for what I think is true, and I'm willing to fight to get you out of my head and my life.
I don't like this feeling, and I don't want it.
And now, I'm ready to fight.
...I think.
The main reason for my bandaidage is blisters on my feet because it is clearly impossible to design shows that are comfortable. Also, my sister made me go shopping with her to buy stockings which is good because I burnt I hole in my work pants from the iron and needed to buy new ones.
I have a bad habit of picking at my fingers when I finish exams early, which is basically every exam I do, and yesterday I picked at my thumb after chem. I think I just get bored? Either way, I'm, a walking disaster area.
It's funny that all these injuries coincided with a week that my life is slightly falling apart (or maybe that's just my mind).
---
I think it is human, natural, and beautiful to be flawed. I think our quirks are what make us unique, different, are what make us who we are. They give us happiness, sadness, confusion; they give us purpose. But, there are a great number of times in my day when I wish I was not so flawed. Times I wish I could just shut up and stop talking, because everything I say annoys someone. Times I wish I could look away, turn around and walk away from what I feel; make a choice, and follow through. Times I wish I could mention a friend's name without people giving me sideways glances, I wish I could look forward to an assessment task (don't judge), without people finding alterior motives, I wish I could make eye contact with people, without others getting offended, I wish I could shake a tree without sarcastic comments.
But I made this choice. I made this choice by deciding to not keep secrets. By telling everyone everything they ask to know, and not lying, I've made a choice to put up with the glances, the comments, and the overanalysing.
I don't regret my choices, and I don't back down when people question why I'm so open.
This is who I want to be. The girl that tells everyone everything, and shakes trees, and grazes her knees fighting for chocolate. I'm the girl who fights for what I want. Whether it means scratching myself on the ground, or giving in to the teasing from my friends, and the overawaredness of other peoples' presence, I'm willing to fight. I'm willing to fight for what I think is right, for what I think is true, and I'm willing to fight to get you out of my head and my life.
I don't like this feeling, and I don't want it.
And now, I'm ready to fight.
...I think.
Monday, 14 June 2010
Saturday, 12 June 2010
People
Banana Boy,
You know those people who walk around all dreary, and then they smile, and their face lights up? It's like, you can see a little part of their soul in that smile. You're one of those people.
But you smile everytime you catch my eye, because we've always just joked around together, usually about bananas and watermelon. Part of me wants to talk to you just to see that part of your soul, to see you smile when you see me, to be appreciated.
But, you know, I don't even remember your name, that's why I call you banana boy, and I only see you every few weeks. So it's not like we're ever gonna be best buddies.
I just like spending time with you is all. And I like teasing you. Mainly about bananas.
So, come and talk to me, I have plenty to say, and not just about imperial mandarins.
---
Genius,
Geez, don't you have a way of making me feel terrible. My achievements pale in comparison to yours, I'm nothing. You have your whole life sorted out, how can you be so intelligent? It's scary and intimidating. Yet, you have this amazing calm around you. Like people around you can be whoever they want, and you'll be okay with it. Is that because whoever they are, they will never be what you are? They will never be enough? Maybe, you have nothing to fear; you will always be the best. But I don't like being second best, so I'm gonna keep working on me. Starting now.
You know those people who walk around all dreary, and then they smile, and their face lights up? It's like, you can see a little part of their soul in that smile. You're one of those people.
But you smile everytime you catch my eye, because we've always just joked around together, usually about bananas and watermelon. Part of me wants to talk to you just to see that part of your soul, to see you smile when you see me, to be appreciated.
But, you know, I don't even remember your name, that's why I call you banana boy, and I only see you every few weeks. So it's not like we're ever gonna be best buddies.
I just like spending time with you is all. And I like teasing you. Mainly about bananas.
So, come and talk to me, I have plenty to say, and not just about imperial mandarins.
---
Genius,
Geez, don't you have a way of making me feel terrible. My achievements pale in comparison to yours, I'm nothing. You have your whole life sorted out, how can you be so intelligent? It's scary and intimidating. Yet, you have this amazing calm around you. Like people around you can be whoever they want, and you'll be okay with it. Is that because whoever they are, they will never be what you are? They will never be enough? Maybe, you have nothing to fear; you will always be the best. But I don't like being second best, so I'm gonna keep working on me. Starting now.
Monday, 31 May 2010
In darkness
Confession #12: I don't remember the last time I felt this small
"It's only in darkness that you see the stars"
It's quite funny that people tell me they haven't seen me this sad in a while. I believe it may have been a while since I've felt like this also.
It's quite funny when people tell me that my sadness makes them sad. Unless everyone in the world (including yourself) has seen you differently after knowing what you know about yourself, you don't even know what real sadness is.
And the words "sad" and "terrible person" and even "attractive" have, rather than ceased meaning anything, come to mean so much more than ever before.
And as I stood there and waited for the door to open, I knew who I wanted, more than anyone else to walk out and see if I was okay. The person I want to care. And in that moment, I think I found myself again. Because sometimes I lose track of the person I am. And sometimes when I stand too close to you I start to doubt who that person is, sometimes when I see you too much my mind gets a little fuzzy, and it's difficult to concentrate.
But I've found what I want to concentrate on.
And it's not you.
And it never will be.
And I still hate you =)
ps: i know i begin too many sentences with "and" and "but", but you can get over that.
"It's only in darkness that you see the stars"
"You're the stars in my eyes." - October
It's quite funny that people tell me they haven't seen me this sad in a while. I believe it may have been a while since I've felt like this also.
It's quite funny when people tell me that my sadness makes them sad. Unless everyone in the world (including yourself) has seen you differently after knowing what you know about yourself, you don't even know what real sadness is.
And the words "sad" and "terrible person" and even "attractive" have, rather than ceased meaning anything, come to mean so much more than ever before.
And as I stood there and waited for the door to open, I knew who I wanted, more than anyone else to walk out and see if I was okay. The person I want to care. And in that moment, I think I found myself again. Because sometimes I lose track of the person I am. And sometimes when I stand too close to you I start to doubt who that person is, sometimes when I see you too much my mind gets a little fuzzy, and it's difficult to concentrate.
But I've found what I want to concentrate on.
And it's not you.
And it never will be.
And I still hate you =)
ps: i know i begin too many sentences with "and" and "but", but you can get over that.
Friday, 28 May 2010
Capable
Confession #12: Sometimes, I think they're all right. The best option might be to lie.
I feel like as the days go on, I become a worse and worse person.
I know I'm wrong, you know I'm wrong. Everybody in the world knows it.
So many people deny that I'm terrible, but it seems, the more they hear, the more they agree. It's just the way it goes.
I don't want to be this person, and I don't want to feel like this.
But I don't think I even have a choice.
---
The fact that I have depressed you is depressing me.
Why are we involving my stupid emotions anyway?
It's only making us both upset.
---
I've apologised so many times. For once, I wish you could just accept it. You get so mad at me, making you mad at yourself. Can't we move on and pretend nothing ever happened? Will things ever get back to the way they were before? Or do I not deserve a second chance?
"Where are you? You’ve seemed a little distant lately. Like you’ve got something to hide. You can tell me. I won’t be mad."
"I can't see the big picture." - coulda.been.a.comet
I feel like as the days go on, I become a worse and worse person.
I know I'm wrong, you know I'm wrong. Everybody in the world knows it.
So many people deny that I'm terrible, but it seems, the more they hear, the more they agree. It's just the way it goes.
I don't want to be this person, and I don't want to feel like this.
But I don't think I even have a choice.
---
The fact that I have depressed you is depressing me.
Why are we involving my stupid emotions anyway?
It's only making us both upset.
---
I've apologised so many times. For once, I wish you could just accept it. You get so mad at me, making you mad at yourself. Can't we move on and pretend nothing ever happened? Will things ever get back to the way they were before? Or do I not deserve a second chance?
Sunday, 23 May 2010
Whelmed
"i just wish i could start a relationship about twelve years in, when you really don’t have to try anymore, and you can just sit around together and just goof on tv shows and then go to bed without anybody trying any funny business."
This is my four hundredth post.
Which is quite an achievement. Considering I rarely blog now a days.
But I've been through lulls before.
I think I'm just overwhelmed.
Here's a series of Things You Don't Know About Me that you don't care about but might read anyway.
I've always been the lover, never the loved. Now that I'm the loved, I'm scared I'm going to break you in the same way that they broke me. And I'm very sorry if I do.
---
My Dad has never watched state of origin by himself, he's always watched it with my grandfather. Now that he's gone, I want to be there for him. That's why I'm mega pissed that we'll be on camp for origin 1. I don't care if we get a tv, or get to watch it. I don't want him to be alone.
---
It makes my day when you walk past, catch my eye, and poke your tongue out at me. You always seem happy to see me, even though you barely know me. I feel special.
---
I wear the necklace you gave me to work everyday. I feel like it's the only thing keeping me close to you. And I don't want to let go.
---
Mum told me that she thinks I could have done better for all of my half yearly results. All of them. I wish I could stop being a disappointment.
---
Watching the last ever episode of Gilmore Girls changed my life, because I will never be able to hear those words spoken to me. Never, because you are gone. And I didn't realise what that meant, until Emily said that to Rory.
---
I feel like I'm letting down everyone important in my life at the moment, simply by being me. I want to change, but it all feels so huge and overwhelming and it feels like there's nothing I can do but watch my life go by, along with everyone I ever cared about.
---
Lately, the only person I've been able to relate to is B'Ellana Torres.
Thursday, 20 May 2010
Officially addicted to you
My sister just said "What the hell? So many grammar mistakes! 1980s doesn't have an apostrophe *curls up in foetal position*"
Then I asked her how to spell "curls" and "foetal"
But yeah, I've converted her to the dark side that be grammar nazis. Oh the joys we shall have.
So yeah, welcome to my first blog in too long.
In this too long period, Ebony has had her one year anniversary.
Oh how tres exciting.
And, also, I am officially addicted to letters to crushes (thank you very much Rosa!)
so yeah, since I don;t have any intelligent thoughts (ever), here are some awesome letters to crushes.
---
I wish you would just say you like me and get it over with. I'm not the type to tell you how I feel first. Don't you realize I'm waiting for you to make the move? Come on, I mean, you say you can read my thoughts through my eyes, so how could you miss this? Sometimes, when we look at eachother, I think you might be thinking what I am. Then again, what do I know? I'm just another girl... Why would you choose me? We're best friends and I don't wanna ruin that relationship.. but MAN! I like you. A lot.
---
& here's a toast, to attempting to get back what we never had.
To pretending you feel the same.
---
---
I'm realizing there's nothing about you I can't accept.
---
Go fall in love guys.
Live long, and prosper.
Then I asked her how to spell "curls" and "foetal"
But yeah, I've converted her to the dark side that be grammar nazis. Oh the joys we shall have.
So yeah, welcome to my first blog in too long.
In this too long period, Ebony has had her one year anniversary.
Oh how tres exciting.
And, also, I am officially addicted to letters to crushes (thank you very much Rosa!)
so yeah, since I don;t have any intelligent thoughts (ever), here are some awesome letters to crushes.
---
I wish you would just say you like me and get it over with. I'm not the type to tell you how I feel first. Don't you realize I'm waiting for you to make the move? Come on, I mean, you say you can read my thoughts through my eyes, so how could you miss this? Sometimes, when we look at eachother, I think you might be thinking what I am. Then again, what do I know? I'm just another girl... Why would you choose me? We're best friends and I don't wanna ruin that relationship.. but MAN! I like you. A lot.
---
& here's a toast, to attempting to get back what we never had.
To pretending you feel the same.
---
when your hair is wet, you look like a shaggy dog.
it is then that i find you most beautiful.
---Boy,
Damn you look fine. I just want to reach over at lunch and touch your knee, that subtly patched fraying of your jeans.
I want to whisper you-and-me things in your ear
I want to interlock our fingers and gently sqeeze "I love you" in morse code into your palm.
Girl
---
You asked me the other day if we would still be friends if you were to marry.
The mere thought of it brought me to tears. Another girl, walking down the aisle, as you look on with the devotion and love I used to think I deserved. Heartbreak worse than when I told you I loved you, and you responded with embarrassed silence. If there is one thing in this world that could destroy me, it would be sticking around long enough to see you marry another woman.
You asked me the other day if we would still be friends if you were to marry. And I said yes.
I'm realizing there's nothing about you I can't accept.
---
Go fall in love guys.
Live long, and prosper.
Tuesday, 4 May 2010
Ask me to dance
Put your brave face on
The one you wore when you stole my heart
Won't you hold my hand
We'll jump together into anything that could
Possibly happen
'cause we're still so young
Ask me to dance in this hotel room
Then let's get out of here
And hit the airport with nothing but a carry
on between us
You take my over analyse away
It's you and me against the world today
Feels like i'm running
With my high heels on
And they're chasing us waiting
For it to all go wrong
You're my umbrella against their
Sticks and stones
As long as we keep smiling
They'll never know
Put your brave face on
Put your brave face on
It's clear blue skies
Flying 30,000 feet above
No one can touch us
'cause we're so in love
Look into my eyes
Meet me there don't look down
Feels like i'm running
With my high heels on
And they're chasing us waiting
For it to all go wrong
You're my umbrella against their
Sticks and stones
As long as we keep smiling
They'll never know
Put your brave face on
Put your brave face on
You take my over anaylse away
It's you and me
Against the world today
Feels like i'm running
With my high heels on
And they're chasing us waiting
For it to all go wrong
You're my umbrella against their
Sticks and stones
As long as we keep smiling
They'll never know
Put your brave face on
Put your brave face on
The one you wore when you stole my heart
Won't you hold my hand
We'll jump together into anything that could
Possibly happen
'cause we're still so young
Ask me to dance in this hotel room
Then let's get out of here
And hit the airport with nothing but a carry
on between us
You take my over analyse away
It's you and me against the world today
Feels like i'm running
With my high heels on
And they're chasing us waiting
For it to all go wrong
You're my umbrella against their
Sticks and stones
As long as we keep smiling
They'll never know
Put your brave face on
Put your brave face on
It's clear blue skies
Flying 30,000 feet above
No one can touch us
'cause we're so in love
Look into my eyes
Meet me there don't look down
Feels like i'm running
With my high heels on
And they're chasing us waiting
For it to all go wrong
You're my umbrella against their
Sticks and stones
As long as we keep smiling
They'll never know
Put your brave face on
Put your brave face on
You take my over anaylse away
It's you and me
Against the world today
Feels like i'm running
With my high heels on
And they're chasing us waiting
For it to all go wrong
You're my umbrella against their
Sticks and stones
As long as we keep smiling
They'll never know
Put your brave face on
Put your brave face on
Monday, 3 May 2010
"We've recieved unconfirmed reports that you are beginning to ask questions. Please accept the world as it is and allow it to continue to work the way it works. Fit in.
Thank you."
In other words, it doesn't matter if you're failing English.
Or that you cry at inconvenient times during the day.
And it doesn't matter if you ate lunch alone.
Or that you've fought with everyone important to you in the last 24 hours (including yourself.)
This is the way the world works.
You just have to stop asking questions and fit in.
Resistance is futile.
Thank you."
In other words, it doesn't matter if you're failing English.
Or that you cry at inconvenient times during the day.
And it doesn't matter if you ate lunch alone.
Or that you've fought with everyone important to you in the last 24 hours (including yourself.)
This is the way the world works.
You just have to stop asking questions and fit in.
Resistance is futile.
Sunday, 2 May 2010
Bright and sunshiney
Confession #28: I wish life would slow down. Everything is happening so fast and I don't know how I feel about any of it.
"Most people think of black holes as things that transport you through time and space, most people forget to mention the fact that they will most likely rip you apart"
"Ready for the day to end" - edyka
Welcome to the black hole that is life.
It is a black hole because stupid people do stupid things to mess with you like the stupid vet telling you your dog might have stupid cancer.
Or stupid people you talk to online that tell you their entire life story, and don't bother asking how you are because they don't care.
Or stupid people that rearrange your entire stupid bedroom whilst you are at work because they don't like it being messy and are throwing out half your stupid stuff.
Or stupid people that wake you up by stupid texting you goodnight, and you can't even get pissed off at them because it's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for you.
And then you go to work, and there's the genius, who hears about your dog, and enlightens you by saying "cancer is smarter than people. there will never be a cure for cancer because it evolves quicker than humans can cure it. people that give money to cancer are stupid"
And that makes you feel all bright and sunshiney, doesn't it?
"Most people think of black holes as things that transport you through time and space, most people forget to mention the fact that they will most likely rip you apart"
"Ready for the day to end" - edyka
Welcome to the black hole that is life.
It is a black hole because stupid people do stupid things to mess with you like the stupid vet telling you your dog might have stupid cancer.
Or stupid people you talk to online that tell you their entire life story, and don't bother asking how you are because they don't care.
Or stupid people that rearrange your entire stupid bedroom whilst you are at work because they don't like it being messy and are throwing out half your stupid stuff.
Or stupid people that wake you up by stupid texting you goodnight, and you can't even get pissed off at them because it's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for you.
And then you go to work, and there's the genius, who hears about your dog, and enlightens you by saying "cancer is smarter than people. there will never be a cure for cancer because it evolves quicker than humans can cure it. people that give money to cancer are stupid"
And that makes you feel all bright and sunshiney, doesn't it?
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