its so weird to see all my friends go through these phases i went through years ago...
like, going all emo, wondering why we bother with life.
admittedly i was a little too immature to deal with that one when it came up
it surprises me that other people have only just come across it.
like, caving in, completely imploding.
thoughts scattered, not that they matter
breakdowns over little things
like, a journey of selfdiscovery
who am i? describe me!
i asked my friends that when i was 10
all they could do was joke...they were too immature to deal with that one
like, losing a best friend
that happened to me in year 3
i guess its why i left my first primary
or at least, thats the real reason
huh. never told anyone that before...
ANYWAYS, the point is...
i truly thought i was immature
that i was behind everyone else, cuz im not really 'teenager'y
buh... its just that ive been there... done that (got the Tshirt!)
so, im not saying im mature (LOL!) or anything
ive just... experienced things...
omgsh, this isnt making sense cuz i cant say what i wanna say, cuz itll sound... stupid/desperate
point is im cool. end of story.
Tuesday, 11 November 2008
only thoughts in my head.
Really hope I don't love you - ThrivingViolet
Ok, so I was looking at my bebo profile, yeah? And it has this module that asks all these questions. One of them was ‘have you ever been in love?’ my answer ‘once’…
!!!
What the hell? 1. I don't remember even writing that, and 2. Who was I talking about??? I’m really curious now. Everytime I’m in my right mind (i.e. I haven’t watched movie/read book/spoken to any one for an hour)(empathy thing), I seriously counsel myself about love, and the distinct difference between like and love. So, what? Was I just not thinking straight or did I truly believe I’d been in love? Was I? Have I ever been? And if so, with who??
… once
How useless!! What about ‘once… and his/her(in case of MW) name is…’
-------------
I don't think like everyone else. – bsb633
I smiled a lot today. I don’t know whether I was truly happy or just pretending to be. Even when I smiled, I felt this wave of sadness when people asked about you/him/yesterday.
I’ve written about a hundred million memoirs in the past 24 hours, wither in a notebook or on my phone. Most, I’ll never publish… but it’s stuff I’m thinking.
I’m still driving myself insane by overthinking things, but I can smile and laugh with raw honesty. It’s not perfection, and it’s probably not happiness… but I’m a damn sight better than yesterday.
Ok, so I was looking at my bebo profile, yeah? And it has this module that asks all these questions. One of them was ‘have you ever been in love?’ my answer ‘once’…
!!!
What the hell? 1. I don't remember even writing that, and 2. Who was I talking about??? I’m really curious now. Everytime I’m in my right mind (i.e. I haven’t watched movie/read book/spoken to any one for an hour)(empathy thing), I seriously counsel myself about love, and the distinct difference between like and love. So, what? Was I just not thinking straight or did I truly believe I’d been in love? Was I? Have I ever been? And if so, with who??
… once
How useless!! What about ‘once… and his/her(in case of MW) name is…’
-------------
I don't think like everyone else. – bsb633
I smiled a lot today. I don’t know whether I was truly happy or just pretending to be. Even when I smiled, I felt this wave of sadness when people asked about you/him/yesterday.
I’ve written about a hundred million memoirs in the past 24 hours, wither in a notebook or on my phone. Most, I’ll never publish… but it’s stuff I’m thinking.
I’m still driving myself insane by overthinking things, but I can smile and laugh with raw honesty. It’s not perfection, and it’s probably not happiness… but I’m a damn sight better than yesterday.
Monday, 10 November 2008
trying not to overthink it.
Do you think about me too? - coulda.been.a.comet
well i certainly think that deserves a round of applause.
in the past 24 hours i have managed to single handedly push away everyone close to me in the world.
congratulations.
Truth be told, I need you - To.Much.Not.Enuff
i have all these free periods today. music... english... i guess someone upstairs was trying to tell me i needed some thinking time. i didnt exactly listen.
in fact, as much as i wanted to think. i refused to let myself. because what i want and what i need seem to always be exact opposites when it comes to particular facets of my life.
This is how it always begins - October
so i refused myself what i wanted, and figured what i needed must be the only alternative.
i didnt think.
i spoke, of stupid, useless things, that almost held my concentration, but i didnt think.
Basically, my life's way too confusing - StarlightSailing
and then finally, walking home from drama this afternoon, i faced the music, and let it have me. in the 2.5 minutes it took me to walk down that street, i had successfully driven myself completely to breaking point. i just wanted to screem (aside form the fact that i was in a crowded street). and i was probably just about to.
and then, the person upstairs who id been ignoring all day, realised tat i was right, and i should definatly be prohibited from all thoughts. and around the corner drove my dad, my saviour. i stopped thinking again.
To Do: Find more distractions - J600y
and i have tried extraordinarily hard to not think for the duration of the evening.
alas, my mum decided that dinner tonight should be a quiet affair. no talking allowed. and oh what brilliant timing you have too, mother. (of course, timing never has been your strong point, has it?)
i kept talking, however, and was sent to my room. way to make me feel 5 mum, thats soo what i need right now.
Can I have my smile back? - Madds
so, i had no choice but to think. (or talk to myself which i did for 15 minutes before i exhausted all conversation topics). think, i did. i thought abaout everything, and it only took about 3 seconds, so i thought about everything over and over and over again, until everything hurt even more than it had in the first place.
but, then again, what more did i expect? that suddenly everything would be fine, just because ive been avoiding it?
I choose to express through quotes - coulda.been.a.comet
well i certainly think that deserves a round of applause.
in the past 24 hours i have managed to single handedly push away everyone close to me in the world.
congratulations.
Truth be told, I need you - To.Much.Not.Enuff
i have all these free periods today. music... english... i guess someone upstairs was trying to tell me i needed some thinking time. i didnt exactly listen.
in fact, as much as i wanted to think. i refused to let myself. because what i want and what i need seem to always be exact opposites when it comes to particular facets of my life.
This is how it always begins - October
so i refused myself what i wanted, and figured what i needed must be the only alternative.
i didnt think.
i spoke, of stupid, useless things, that almost held my concentration, but i didnt think.
Basically, my life's way too confusing - StarlightSailing
and then finally, walking home from drama this afternoon, i faced the music, and let it have me. in the 2.5 minutes it took me to walk down that street, i had successfully driven myself completely to breaking point. i just wanted to screem (aside form the fact that i was in a crowded street). and i was probably just about to.
and then, the person upstairs who id been ignoring all day, realised tat i was right, and i should definatly be prohibited from all thoughts. and around the corner drove my dad, my saviour. i stopped thinking again.
To Do: Find more distractions - J600y
and i have tried extraordinarily hard to not think for the duration of the evening.
alas, my mum decided that dinner tonight should be a quiet affair. no talking allowed. and oh what brilliant timing you have too, mother. (of course, timing never has been your strong point, has it?)
i kept talking, however, and was sent to my room. way to make me feel 5 mum, thats soo what i need right now.
Can I have my smile back? - Madds
so, i had no choice but to think. (or talk to myself which i did for 15 minutes before i exhausted all conversation topics). think, i did. i thought abaout everything, and it only took about 3 seconds, so i thought about everything over and over and over again, until everything hurt even more than it had in the first place.
but, then again, what more did i expect? that suddenly everything would be fine, just because ive been avoiding it?
I choose to express through quotes - coulda.been.a.comet
This should be on bebo
I don’t want you guys to read this.
But I’m too scared to put it on my bebo blog, because it means more to people that read that blog than it does to you. Maybe more than it does to me.
So read it if you want, but don’t read too much into it.
I just need to vent…
Too hard. Much too hard. I don't know what I think or why I think it. Angel, devil, right, wrong…neither of them care!!! I don’t get it! I don't get you, I don't get me, and more importantly, I don’t get how I feel about you. Or him... But I don't care how I feel about him!! Do I?? I'll figure out that, once I’ve figure out you.
I've been so out of it all day. People ask me what's wrong, I tell them it's a "personal thing" (thanks Jenny :)) which is true, I guess, but come on!! I have no life other than this. I've never had a life at the same time as you, I have to prioritise. But why do you always come first?
I don't want you to, not anymore. I hate so much that I feel like this. Not just the confusion, but also the falling for you all over again... because of a stupid song!! You did nothing; I did nothing; what changed???
But I’m too scared to put it on my bebo blog, because it means more to people that read that blog than it does to you. Maybe more than it does to me.
So read it if you want, but don’t read too much into it.
I just need to vent…
Too hard. Much too hard. I don't know what I think or why I think it. Angel, devil, right, wrong…neither of them care!!! I don’t get it! I don't get you, I don't get me, and more importantly, I don’t get how I feel about you. Or him... But I don't care how I feel about him!! Do I?? I'll figure out that, once I’ve figure out you.
I've been so out of it all day. People ask me what's wrong, I tell them it's a "personal thing" (thanks Jenny :)) which is true, I guess, but come on!! I have no life other than this. I've never had a life at the same time as you, I have to prioritise. But why do you always come first?
I don't want you to, not anymore. I hate so much that I feel like this. Not just the confusion, but also the falling for you all over again... because of a stupid song!! You did nothing; I did nothing; what changed???
Sunday, 9 November 2008
Empathy/I'm sorry.
Luke Moore.
Awesomely awesome main guy.
He’s intriguing.
Partly because he’s never defined, and partly because he is awesomely awesome.
Loosely based around every guy I’ve ever liked (included fictional characters), some more than others.
Physical description: Very similar to Elle. Short brown hair and soft brown eyes. Slightly above average height. Beautiful, but only if you look hard enough.
Emotional description: Very aware of surrounding people’s thoughts/feelings which highly influence him. Empathetic. But very closed. Finds it hard to express his feelings.
Social description: Has a best bud Hayden who’s pretty cool. They tell each other most everything, but mainly have heaps of fun together.
-----------------------------------------------------
6 words: I cry daily now. so pathetic. – cornn
Empathy.
My problem is empathy.
This is why I was so depressed whilst reading new moon. This is why I was all lovey dovey after reading breaking dawn. This why, when I was little, and I had lists of ‘reasons to stay alive’, one of the reasons was “Feeling happy, like after a movie” (because movies finish happy, and thus, I am happy). This is why I love being around people who are happy. This is why I felt all confessional last Thursday at drama J
Because I am empathetic. Because, whatever people around me are feeling, I feel it too. I feed off vibes. It’s what I do.
Like some of you peoples know (and some are about to find out), I am the most sensitive person in the world. EVERY SINGLE movie I watch, I cry. My claim to fame: I cried during Happy Feet. Even books. First book I cried in – Rainbow Fish. I was very happy that he was unselfish enough to share his scales. After that, books like Anne of Green Gables (when Matthew died), The Land Of Blue Mountains (when the dog gave up his heart for the little girl), the shitty Kitty book we read for English (all through parts 2 and 3, the book was boring! Still don’t know why I cried) and, of course, the Twilight Saga. I’m getting worse as I get older (did you hear about happy feat? The leopard seal was chasing the penguin, oh shiz!), I’ve started crying listening to songs, yes I am that sad.
So, all this time I’ve spent being overly sensitive, I’ve thought I was a freak. (OK, I’ve KNOWN I was a freak). But mum has always told me “Never be ashamed of being sensitive” (I know, I know, it sounds like “mummy says I’m special no matter what the other kids say”), and, until recently, I never have been.
But in the last few years, it has really become unbearable. I cry every ANZAC day, even before we see people marching, I think “wow, all these amazing people were willing to give up their lives, just for us” and snap, I’m bawling (yes, I am crying, after having written that).
I don’t want to be that person anymore. As much as I love being in touch with my emotions, it really makes life unbearable. Everytime I talk to someone who is upset, I feel it too. It does, occasionally, make me good at giving advice. I’m normally good at understanding two sides of a story, and I’m usually fair. (Unless one side is better for me, then I can be bias).
Lately I’m getting less empathetic and more sensitive. Things hurt me so much that other people’s problems, by comparison, are dulled. I feel like I’m not there for people, because I can’t understand them. I can’t understand why they make big deals out of little things.
Big(ish) things are going on with me right now. But big things are going on with other people too, I guess, I’m trying to say: I’m sorry if I haven’t been there for you, and I apologise in advance for how distracted I’ll be in the next few days until I figure out… well… everything.
I love my friends, especially the ones who read my blogs ;). You guys rock my socks! Just put up with me for a bit, okay? :)
Awesomely awesome main guy.
He’s intriguing.
Partly because he’s never defined, and partly because he is awesomely awesome.
Loosely based around every guy I’ve ever liked (included fictional characters), some more than others.
Physical description: Very similar to Elle. Short brown hair and soft brown eyes. Slightly above average height. Beautiful, but only if you look hard enough.
Emotional description: Very aware of surrounding people’s thoughts/feelings which highly influence him. Empathetic. But very closed. Finds it hard to express his feelings.
Social description: Has a best bud Hayden who’s pretty cool. They tell each other most everything, but mainly have heaps of fun together.
-----------------------------------------------------
6 words: I cry daily now. so pathetic. – cornn
Empathy.
My problem is empathy.
This is why I was so depressed whilst reading new moon. This is why I was all lovey dovey after reading breaking dawn. This why, when I was little, and I had lists of ‘reasons to stay alive’, one of the reasons was “Feeling happy, like after a movie” (because movies finish happy, and thus, I am happy). This is why I love being around people who are happy. This is why I felt all confessional last Thursday at drama J
Because I am empathetic. Because, whatever people around me are feeling, I feel it too. I feed off vibes. It’s what I do.
Like some of you peoples know (and some are about to find out), I am the most sensitive person in the world. EVERY SINGLE movie I watch, I cry. My claim to fame: I cried during Happy Feet. Even books. First book I cried in – Rainbow Fish. I was very happy that he was unselfish enough to share his scales. After that, books like Anne of Green Gables (when Matthew died), The Land Of Blue Mountains (when the dog gave up his heart for the little girl), the shitty Kitty book we read for English (all through parts 2 and 3, the book was boring! Still don’t know why I cried) and, of course, the Twilight Saga. I’m getting worse as I get older (did you hear about happy feat? The leopard seal was chasing the penguin, oh shiz!), I’ve started crying listening to songs, yes I am that sad.
So, all this time I’ve spent being overly sensitive, I’ve thought I was a freak. (OK, I’ve KNOWN I was a freak). But mum has always told me “Never be ashamed of being sensitive” (I know, I know, it sounds like “mummy says I’m special no matter what the other kids say”), and, until recently, I never have been.
But in the last few years, it has really become unbearable. I cry every ANZAC day, even before we see people marching, I think “wow, all these amazing people were willing to give up their lives, just for us” and snap, I’m bawling (yes, I am crying, after having written that).
I don’t want to be that person anymore. As much as I love being in touch with my emotions, it really makes life unbearable. Everytime I talk to someone who is upset, I feel it too. It does, occasionally, make me good at giving advice. I’m normally good at understanding two sides of a story, and I’m usually fair. (Unless one side is better for me, then I can be bias).
Lately I’m getting less empathetic and more sensitive. Things hurt me so much that other people’s problems, by comparison, are dulled. I feel like I’m not there for people, because I can’t understand them. I can’t understand why they make big deals out of little things.
Big(ish) things are going on with me right now. But big things are going on with other people too, I guess, I’m trying to say: I’m sorry if I haven’t been there for you, and I apologise in advance for how distracted I’ll be in the next few days until I figure out… well… everything.
I love my friends, especially the ones who read my blogs ;). You guys rock my socks! Just put up with me for a bit, okay? :)
Saturday, 8 November 2008
08-11-08
OK, my story at the top of my blogs can only go so far before I actually give the characters names.
So, as of today, I am going to write character profiles for the main characters
Elle Scott (you have no idea it took me to come up with that name!)
Main character – story is told from her perspective.
Lives with mother (Rebecca), father (Andrew), younger sister (Chloe) and pet dog – Jack.
Loosely based around me - very, very loosely. As in, almost not even there, and yet, I bothered mentioning it, so there to some extent.
Physical description: Very, very average. Medium brown, shoulder length hair. Medium height. Brown eyes – very expressive. She’s nice looking, not overly gorgeous or anything, just, pleasant – it’s very humbling. (:L)
Emotional description: She knows what’s going on – intuitive, if you will. She finds herself easily hurt, but she can always figure out a way to fix it. She has a hot temper, hot in that it is harsh, but it takes a lot for her to lose it.
Social description: Has one main friend whom you will meet later as she doesn’t have a name yet. Socialises well with other people – but appreciates time spent alone.
Stay tuned for a desciption of Luke Moore.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 1’s 6 words: Nothing more beautiful than broken, right? – coulda.been.a.comet
A lot of people around me have been broken lately.
And a lot of people in my life have broken others.
I guess, I’m just sick of it.
I don’t understand why people can’t just get along, why everything is complex.
I don’t understand why people blame themselves for things they didn’t do.
I don’t understand why people can’t talk it out, and fix it.
I don’t understand why people assume things of others without checking if it’s true.
Why do people think they know better? They don’t!
“You don’t understand cuz you’re not me”
Yeah, but I’ve been you. I know you think that I’m stupid and I don’t understand anything, but I’ve seen it all.
I’ve seen friends drift apart because of boys, exam marks, parents, and other friends. I’ve seen people fight because of misunderstandings, and I’ve seen people in pain over things they’ve imagined.
I don’t like seeing people hurt so much, but they won’t talk to me about it. I try so hard to let them know I’m here, but I feel if I bring it up, I’m prying.
I wish people could just be friends. I wish I could go back to kindergarten, where sharing crayons made you lifelong pals. I wish a smile could fix a friendship. I wish memories actually meant something, and that people actually remembered. I wish everything was different…
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 2’s 6 words: Everything reminds me of you, always. – Esalamy
I don’t want you guys (readers)to know who this is about, but I need to get this out. So try not to figure it out. Read if you wish, but speak of it to no one. =)
I thought… it would stop hurting. I thought that moving on would mean something. I thought time could heal all wounds. But… I wasn’t ready to move on.
I fought myself to forget you, I tried so hard to pretend you meant nothing.
You were my life. Truly. My everything. When you lose your everything, what is left? Nothingness.
And amidst my nothingness, I found a something. Then I convinced myself that something could be an everything. I tried so hard to make that something an everything, and I succumbed to my wishes.
By when I lost my something, it was only an echo of what I felt when I lost you.
It made me realise how powerful we were.
I finally felt like me when I was with you.
You were wonderful enough to love my perks, and stupid enough to love my quirks.
Every part of my being loved you, wholly and passionately.
I still miss what we were, and what we could have been. I’ve been thinking so much more about us lately. I’ve finally gotten over you, and I’m letting myself miss you. Miss everything you were to me.
So I’m not still in love with you, and I don’t still wish you were mine. Everything I see reminds me of you, but I’m finally okay with that.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 3’s 6 words: Stephenie Meyer has improved my vocabulary. – Ebony =)
Okay, so after reading the Twilight series (several times), I have realized something.
My vocabulary is shit!!
Seriously, half the words she used, I couldn’t even pronounce! My sister read the books along with her dictionary, but I refused to sink to such levels!! So, half the books made so sense (:L).
Anywho…
I have decided that, my vocabulary being shit and all, I will learn new words!!
You know, all those words in the dictionary that no one uses, but they make you feel smart that you know what they mean.
Yeah, them, I’m gonna start learning what they all mean.
Today’s smarticle word: mendacious
Oh, but Ebony, what does this word mean? And why the hell do you care??
This word means: Telling lies, especially habitually; dishonest, lying, untruthful.
I care because: …I can’t remember where, but I saw it somewhere and I thought, crap, I wonder what that means. =)
So, in the future, maybe we shall all become more smarticle
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 4’s 6 words: We Write Because We Have To. – LoveMeEasy
And JUST IN CASE you’re really bored, and have read the whole blog and are searching for more.
There is this really pretty 6 word memoir written by ‘kiwi’.
YEAH! GO THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE!!
Anyway, it really touched me, as did ALLL of the associated comments.
Here’s the link.
And I’m not even gonna tell you what it is! Cuz I want you to click the link! Click it! Click it!!
My blog is over!! So go and see the 6 words that made my day back on October 16.
LEAVE!!!(and click the link).
So, as of today, I am going to write character profiles for the main characters
Elle Scott (you have no idea it took me to come up with that name!)
Main character – story is told from her perspective.
Lives with mother (Rebecca), father (Andrew), younger sister (Chloe) and pet dog – Jack.
Loosely based around me - very, very loosely. As in, almost not even there, and yet, I bothered mentioning it, so there to some extent.
Physical description: Very, very average. Medium brown, shoulder length hair. Medium height. Brown eyes – very expressive. She’s nice looking, not overly gorgeous or anything, just, pleasant – it’s very humbling. (:L)
Emotional description: She knows what’s going on – intuitive, if you will. She finds herself easily hurt, but she can always figure out a way to fix it. She has a hot temper, hot in that it is harsh, but it takes a lot for her to lose it.
Social description: Has one main friend whom you will meet later as she doesn’t have a name yet. Socialises well with other people – but appreciates time spent alone.
Stay tuned for a desciption of Luke Moore.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 1’s 6 words: Nothing more beautiful than broken, right? – coulda.been.a.comet
A lot of people around me have been broken lately.
And a lot of people in my life have broken others.
I guess, I’m just sick of it.
I don’t understand why people can’t just get along, why everything is complex.
I don’t understand why people blame themselves for things they didn’t do.
I don’t understand why people can’t talk it out, and fix it.
I don’t understand why people assume things of others without checking if it’s true.
Why do people think they know better? They don’t!
“You don’t understand cuz you’re not me”
Yeah, but I’ve been you. I know you think that I’m stupid and I don’t understand anything, but I’ve seen it all.
I’ve seen friends drift apart because of boys, exam marks, parents, and other friends. I’ve seen people fight because of misunderstandings, and I’ve seen people in pain over things they’ve imagined.
I don’t like seeing people hurt so much, but they won’t talk to me about it. I try so hard to let them know I’m here, but I feel if I bring it up, I’m prying.
I wish people could just be friends. I wish I could go back to kindergarten, where sharing crayons made you lifelong pals. I wish a smile could fix a friendship. I wish memories actually meant something, and that people actually remembered. I wish everything was different…
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 2’s 6 words: Everything reminds me of you, always. – Esalamy
I don’t want you guys (readers)to know who this is about, but I need to get this out. So try not to figure it out. Read if you wish, but speak of it to no one. =)
I thought… it would stop hurting. I thought that moving on would mean something. I thought time could heal all wounds. But… I wasn’t ready to move on.
I fought myself to forget you, I tried so hard to pretend you meant nothing.
You were my life. Truly. My everything. When you lose your everything, what is left? Nothingness.
And amidst my nothingness, I found a something. Then I convinced myself that something could be an everything. I tried so hard to make that something an everything, and I succumbed to my wishes.
By when I lost my something, it was only an echo of what I felt when I lost you.
It made me realise how powerful we were.
I finally felt like me when I was with you.
You were wonderful enough to love my perks, and stupid enough to love my quirks.
Every part of my being loved you, wholly and passionately.
I still miss what we were, and what we could have been. I’ve been thinking so much more about us lately. I’ve finally gotten over you, and I’m letting myself miss you. Miss everything you were to me.
So I’m not still in love with you, and I don’t still wish you were mine. Everything I see reminds me of you, but I’m finally okay with that.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 3’s 6 words: Stephenie Meyer has improved my vocabulary. – Ebony =)
Okay, so after reading the Twilight series (several times), I have realized something.
My vocabulary is shit!!
Seriously, half the words she used, I couldn’t even pronounce! My sister read the books along with her dictionary, but I refused to sink to such levels!! So, half the books made so sense (:L).
Anywho…
I have decided that, my vocabulary being shit and all, I will learn new words!!
You know, all those words in the dictionary that no one uses, but they make you feel smart that you know what they mean.
Yeah, them, I’m gonna start learning what they all mean.
Today’s smarticle word: mendacious
Oh, but Ebony, what does this word mean? And why the hell do you care??
This word means: Telling lies, especially habitually; dishonest, lying, untruthful.
I care because: …I can’t remember where, but I saw it somewhere and I thought, crap, I wonder what that means. =)
So, in the future, maybe we shall all become more smarticle
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 4’s 6 words: We Write Because We Have To. – LoveMeEasy
And JUST IN CASE you’re really bored, and have read the whole blog and are searching for more.
There is this really pretty 6 word memoir written by ‘kiwi’.
YEAH! GO THE SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE!!
Anyway, it really touched me, as did ALLL of the associated comments.
Here’s the link.
And I’m not even gonna tell you what it is! Cuz I want you to click the link! Click it! Click it!!
My blog is over!! So go and see the 6 words that made my day back on October 16.
LEAVE!!!(and click the link).
Friday, 7 November 2008
I have a lot to say today
"Hello???"
My eyes refocused as my hed snapped up to look at her. She looked a little anxious, but I continued to gaze absently at her.
"What you looking at?" She asked with a smile as her eyes followed the path mine had been on seconds earlier. I tried to shake my head so she wouldn't look, but I realised it was too late. The smile slid from her face as comprehension dawned, she knew it was him.
"Oh right" she looked uncomfortable that she'd seen something she knew was so personal to me.
"I'm sorry" I still felt that this my fault. After all, it most probably was.
"Don't apologise" she paused "You can't help it" she mumbled, as she looked away.
She had a point. It was difficult for me to resist looking for him everyday. Difficult not to know where he was at every second, she knew it made me anxious.
"Still sorry though" I felt so bad, I never gave her a second thought, he had become my life now.
"Yeah, I know" and we continued to eat in silence.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 1's 6 words: I've taken residence inside my books. - angelica
I just wanna blog about New Moon again.
Go away if you’re sick of my twilightis.
OK, Bella? Dearest, darling, silly silly girl. See that guy over there, Jacob? Yeah? He’s perfect for you. And Edward? He let you go. That’s because he is an IDIOT!
He thinks he’s in love with you cuz he heard you say his name when you were asleep. You think you’re in love with him, because he FINALLY started talking to you again.
Jacob wants to be there for you. Actually have a conversation with you. Spend time with you without wanting to suck your blood. He wants to love you. He thinks you can be divine, and it’s hurting him that you won’t give him a chance.
So, Edward? Even if he does come back (as we all know he will, cuz this is a storybook, not reality), he’s not worth it. Because he thought you would be better off if he left. Prove him right.
He never really loved you, just as you never really loved him. What you thought was love, was merely attraction, and he didn’t deserve for you to think of him as you did. You know you love Jacob. Deep down, you know that you two can be extraordinary. Let him love you too.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Moon Part Over.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 2's 6 words: Nobody's judging you now. Just write. - October
OK, a big hello!!! To all the really cool people who have started 6 word memoir accounts, even if you've only posted a few times, you guys are fully rocking my socks right now.
And even if, at first, you find it hard to post your deepest darkest secrets on the Internet, one day, you'll try it, and probably get feautured, and from then on, you won't be afraid. So take it in your stride, learn from other people, enjoy the anonymity of it.
Keep in mind:
There are people out there that have it harder than you, never diss someone for what they think.
People love comments; comment lots, let people know when you enjoy their work.
Someone in that beautiful teen community feels the exact same way about something as you, let it out, so they won't feel so alone.
And of course, you will start thinking in 6 words. This is one of the mant hazards of going on the site too much. But use it! Think everything in 6 words, publish it, and you will have a beautiful documentation of your every thought.
---------------------------------------------------
Part 3's 6 words: Let's say I AM two people... - Shadowesque
Ever have that feeling, where you don't know what to do...
And it's like, you have 2 options.
The Angel
and the Devil
(couldnt you just hear those capitals?)
You know that you should choose the angel.
You know that the angel is the right thing to do.
It's tempting to choose the angel.
You know that you might choose the devil.
The devil will make you happier.
It's tempting to choose the devil.
And then, sometimes, you don't even know which one is which.
Because, sometimes, the options you have, they're both wrong!
There's no black and white, they're grey.
How do you figure out which decision to make?
When both could be so wrong.
Do you do what's right for yourself, or those around you.
Should you sacrifise your well-being to make someone happy?
Do you do what's right for friends or family.
Which takes priority, your heart or your soul?
And the all important:
Do I will do what feels right to me? The option that will make more people happy? The option that puts smiles on faces.
Or do I choose to listen to people giving me advice? The option that hurts people, that hurts me, but is better for me.
--------------------------------------
THE END.
My eyes refocused as my hed snapped up to look at her. She looked a little anxious, but I continued to gaze absently at her.
"What you looking at?" She asked with a smile as her eyes followed the path mine had been on seconds earlier. I tried to shake my head so she wouldn't look, but I realised it was too late. The smile slid from her face as comprehension dawned, she knew it was him.
"Oh right" she looked uncomfortable that she'd seen something she knew was so personal to me.
"I'm sorry" I still felt that this my fault. After all, it most probably was.
"Don't apologise" she paused "You can't help it" she mumbled, as she looked away.
She had a point. It was difficult for me to resist looking for him everyday. Difficult not to know where he was at every second, she knew it made me anxious.
"Still sorry though" I felt so bad, I never gave her a second thought, he had become my life now.
"Yeah, I know" and we continued to eat in silence.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 1's 6 words: I've taken residence inside my books. - angelica
I just wanna blog about New Moon again.
Go away if you’re sick of my twilightis.
OK, Bella? Dearest, darling, silly silly girl. See that guy over there, Jacob? Yeah? He’s perfect for you. And Edward? He let you go. That’s because he is an IDIOT!
He thinks he’s in love with you cuz he heard you say his name when you were asleep. You think you’re in love with him, because he FINALLY started talking to you again.
Jacob wants to be there for you. Actually have a conversation with you. Spend time with you without wanting to suck your blood. He wants to love you. He thinks you can be divine, and it’s hurting him that you won’t give him a chance.
So, Edward? Even if he does come back (as we all know he will, cuz this is a storybook, not reality), he’s not worth it. Because he thought you would be better off if he left. Prove him right.
He never really loved you, just as you never really loved him. What you thought was love, was merely attraction, and he didn’t deserve for you to think of him as you did. You know you love Jacob. Deep down, you know that you two can be extraordinary. Let him love you too.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Moon Part Over.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Part 2's 6 words: Nobody's judging you now. Just write. - October
OK, a big hello!!! To all the really cool people who have started 6 word memoir accounts, even if you've only posted a few times, you guys are fully rocking my socks right now.
And even if, at first, you find it hard to post your deepest darkest secrets on the Internet, one day, you'll try it, and probably get feautured, and from then on, you won't be afraid. So take it in your stride, learn from other people, enjoy the anonymity of it.
Keep in mind:
There are people out there that have it harder than you, never diss someone for what they think.
People love comments; comment lots, let people know when you enjoy their work.
Someone in that beautiful teen community feels the exact same way about something as you, let it out, so they won't feel so alone.
And of course, you will start thinking in 6 words. This is one of the mant hazards of going on the site too much. But use it! Think everything in 6 words, publish it, and you will have a beautiful documentation of your every thought.
---------------------------------------------------
Part 3's 6 words: Let's say I AM two people... - Shadowesque
Ever have that feeling, where you don't know what to do...
And it's like, you have 2 options.
The Angel
and the Devil
(couldnt you just hear those capitals?)
You know that you should choose the angel.
You know that the angel is the right thing to do.
It's tempting to choose the angel.
You know that you might choose the devil.
The devil will make you happier.
It's tempting to choose the devil.
And then, sometimes, you don't even know which one is which.
Because, sometimes, the options you have, they're both wrong!
There's no black and white, they're grey.
How do you figure out which decision to make?
When both could be so wrong.
Do you do what's right for yourself, or those around you.
Should you sacrifise your well-being to make someone happy?
Do you do what's right for friends or family.
Which takes priority, your heart or your soul?
And the all important:
Do I will do what feels right to me? The option that will make more people happy? The option that puts smiles on faces.
Or do I choose to listen to people giving me advice? The option that hurts people, that hurts me, but is better for me.
--------------------------------------
THE END.
Thursday, 6 November 2008
NaBloPoMo2008
NO STORY =O
----------------------------------------------
Today’s 6 words: I’m not jealous, I just care – soulcages
Guess what month it is in America????
You: November!!
ME: WRONG!!!!
It’s national blog posting month!!! (NaBloPoMo2008)
Which means????
Many American bloggers have taken it upon themselves to blog EVERYDAY for a month! Every day of November!!!
So I have decided that I am SICK AND TIRED of Americans always thinking that they are better than everyone else! And I have taken it upon myself to ATTEMPT to blog EveryDay for November, proving that Aussies are JUSTASCOOL.
Problemo: Camp.
On the 18th/19th of November, I will not have access to a computer. =O
So, I will continue blogging through the beginning of December, sorry guys, that’s the best I can do.
Unless I get someone to guest blog… but I’m not that sad.
So, yeah. I will blog all month.
Keep in mind, you don’t have to read it. It will just be there.
----------------------------------------------
Today’s 6 words: I’m not jealous, I just care – soulcages
Guess what month it is in America????
You: November!!
ME: WRONG!!!!
It’s national blog posting month!!! (NaBloPoMo2008)
Which means????
Many American bloggers have taken it upon themselves to blog EVERYDAY for a month! Every day of November!!!
So I have decided that I am SICK AND TIRED of Americans always thinking that they are better than everyone else! And I have taken it upon myself to ATTEMPT to blog EveryDay for November, proving that Aussies are JUSTASCOOL.
Problemo: Camp.
On the 18th/19th of November, I will not have access to a computer. =O
So, I will continue blogging through the beginning of December, sorry guys, that’s the best I can do.
Unless I get someone to guest blog… but I’m not that sad.
So, yeah. I will blog all month.
Keep in mind, you don’t have to read it. It will just be there.
Wednesday, 5 November 2008
Thriving Violet
“But we’re friends”
I hated it when she guilted me like that. Sure, we’re friends, but there are some things she wouldn’t understand, even if I told her.
“I know, I know, it’s just…” Tell her the truth, come on you can do it! Say it!
“Just…?” She looked ready to contradict whatever I said
“Complicated” I answered.
She glowered at me “complicated?” she asked disbelievingly.I knew it would be like that. Everytime I try to explain, she dismisses me, sometimes it really makes me question our friendship. But I know she’s just concerned about me, my behaviour had certainly been a little off lately.
-----------------------------------------------
Hmmm,
I actually have some of substance to talk about today.
Inspired by ‘Thriving Violet’.
I know, I know, you guys will get sick of me continually getting blogmaterial from 6word memoir site, but you’ll forgive me, and I will continue to tax it J
Ok, so here is what ‘Thriving Violet’ had to say for herself.
The storm is calming. Or eye?
Very clever, no?
And, although it would have been better in more than 6 words, it definitely gets the point across, the point I am trying to make. Which is: Is my life actually getting better? Happier? Cooler? More fulfilling? OR is this just the middle of something bigger??
Something to think about, no?
Because, today, well… this morning, things were looking cool. I thought that it was all good, that I had nothing to worry about. And then, in class and even at recess/lunch, things started sucking again. And I don’t even know why. So I’m just wondering, is the storm calming? Or is this just the eye?
I hated it when she guilted me like that. Sure, we’re friends, but there are some things she wouldn’t understand, even if I told her.
“I know, I know, it’s just…” Tell her the truth, come on you can do it! Say it!
“Just…?” She looked ready to contradict whatever I said
“Complicated” I answered.
She glowered at me “complicated?” she asked disbelievingly.I knew it would be like that. Everytime I try to explain, she dismisses me, sometimes it really makes me question our friendship. But I know she’s just concerned about me, my behaviour had certainly been a little off lately.
-----------------------------------------------
Hmmm,
I actually have some of substance to talk about today.
Inspired by ‘Thriving Violet’.
I know, I know, you guys will get sick of me continually getting blogmaterial from 6word memoir site, but you’ll forgive me, and I will continue to tax it J
Ok, so here is what ‘Thriving Violet’ had to say for herself.
The storm is calming. Or eye?
Very clever, no?
And, although it would have been better in more than 6 words, it definitely gets the point across, the point I am trying to make. Which is: Is my life actually getting better? Happier? Cooler? More fulfilling? OR is this just the middle of something bigger??
Something to think about, no?
Because, today, well… this morning, things were looking cool. I thought that it was all good, that I had nothing to worry about. And then, in class and even at recess/lunch, things started sucking again. And I don’t even know why. So I’m just wondering, is the storm calming? Or is this just the eye?
Tuesday, 4 November 2008
041108
I don’t know that I was necessarily angry, just, perhaps, a little annoyed. Mainly with myself. Mainly for not knowing how I felt about him.
I mean, sure, he was nice, kind, funny, good-looking, and already in love with me. I just didn’t know if that was enough. I had this habit of giving all of myself, all of the time, and I still couldn’t figure out if I was yet over _____.
And even if I was, did that mean I automatically needed to enter another relationship? In fact, did I really need to care about guys at all?
But still, I felt I had to choose – one or the other. Which one was the best? Which one was the right decision?
“It doesn’t matter!” I sternly told myself aloud. I didn’t need to like one or the other, I could swear off guys for a little while.
“Then why do you care?” I asked myself.
-----------------------------------------------------
Today’s 6 words:
Just a face in the crowd – coulda.been.a.comet
Life is nice right now. I think I’m slowly becoming self-actualised. It’s a good feeling.
Friends: my group is improving, beginning to feel more like a group again, especially this week. I think we’ll be ok, I hope we’re all good by the time camp comes. Some of still have unresolved issues, but I’m pretty sure we’ll all make it out alive.
All outside of group friendships are improving for me. Which is very good. People are getting happier, problems are getting smaller, things are looking up. :)
Family: We’re just as tight as ever. My sis won $24 in Melbourne Cup. Family is bonding over diets (:L) and Australian Idol. Mum’s been working weekends and nights lately, so not home as much as usual, but it’ll be okay, she’s not working tonight… maybe we’ll play cards :)
School: Teachers are piling in homework, which I will do once done here, but I’m starting to pay attention in class. I care about doing well, probably because all my exam marks were so bad. I keep thinking I’m gonna get an okay one, and then BAM! Under 70%. *sigh
Love: not even worth mentioning, but it’s one of the four lives, so I will. Pretty dead, really. Very confusing… I dunno, it just is.
Overall: I'm ahppy, and maybe I don't even have a reason. But I'm smiling on the inside, and that's good enough for me.
I mean, sure, he was nice, kind, funny, good-looking, and already in love with me. I just didn’t know if that was enough. I had this habit of giving all of myself, all of the time, and I still couldn’t figure out if I was yet over _____.
And even if I was, did that mean I automatically needed to enter another relationship? In fact, did I really need to care about guys at all?
But still, I felt I had to choose – one or the other. Which one was the best? Which one was the right decision?
“It doesn’t matter!” I sternly told myself aloud. I didn’t need to like one or the other, I could swear off guys for a little while.
“Then why do you care?” I asked myself.
-----------------------------------------------------
Today’s 6 words:
Just a face in the crowd – coulda.been.a.comet
Life is nice right now. I think I’m slowly becoming self-actualised. It’s a good feeling.
Friends: my group is improving, beginning to feel more like a group again, especially this week. I think we’ll be ok, I hope we’re all good by the time camp comes. Some of still have unresolved issues, but I’m pretty sure we’ll all make it out alive.
All outside of group friendships are improving for me. Which is very good. People are getting happier, problems are getting smaller, things are looking up. :)
Family: We’re just as tight as ever. My sis won $24 in Melbourne Cup. Family is bonding over diets (:L) and Australian Idol. Mum’s been working weekends and nights lately, so not home as much as usual, but it’ll be okay, she’s not working tonight… maybe we’ll play cards :)
School: Teachers are piling in homework, which I will do once done here, but I’m starting to pay attention in class. I care about doing well, probably because all my exam marks were so bad. I keep thinking I’m gonna get an okay one, and then BAM! Under 70%. *sigh
Love: not even worth mentioning, but it’s one of the four lives, so I will. Pretty dead, really. Very confusing… I dunno, it just is.
Overall: I'm ahppy, and maybe I don't even have a reason. But I'm smiling on the inside, and that's good enough for me.
Monday, 3 November 2008
I'd Lie - Taylor Swift
You were like, gone, all last week
Your sister: My brother is really really sick
Thanks, that wasn't at all unsettling
Considering you'd been away for most the week, and when you came back on Wednesday, it was only for HALF THE DAY! bludger.
And then ur mummy picked you up. lucky...
i sorta just want to know if you're ok
I miss you, and I'm worried about you.
Which sounds stupid, but is true.
Stil away today... still miss you...
Please... just come back, and look OK. Not like last week. Look healthy again.
I don’t think that passenger seat
Has ever looked this good to me
He tells me about his night
And I count the colors in his eyes
He’ll never fall in love he swears
As he runs his fingers through his hair
I’m laughing cause I hope he's wrong
I don't think it ever crossed his mind
He tells a joke I fake a smile
That I know all his favorite songs
And..
[chorus:]
I could tell you his favorite color's green
He loves to argue, born on the seventeenth
His sister's beautiful, he has his father’s eyes
And if you asked me if I love him,
I’d lie
He looks around the room
Innocently overlooks the truth
Shouldn’t a light go on?
Doesn’t he know that I’ve had him memorized for so long?
He sees everything black and white
Never let nobody see him cry
I don’t let nobody see me wishing he was mine
[chorus]
He stands there then walks away
My god if I could only say
I’m holding every breath for you...
He’d never tell you but he can play guitar
I think he can see through everything
But my heart
First thought when I wake up is
My god he’s beautiful
So I put on my make up
And pray for a miracle
Yes I could tell you his favorite color's green
He loves to argue oh and it kills me
His sister's beautiful he has his father’s eyes
And if you asked me if I love him
If you asked me if I love him
I’d lie
Your sister: My brother is really really sick
Thanks, that wasn't at all unsettling
Considering you'd been away for most the week, and when you came back on Wednesday, it was only for HALF THE DAY! bludger.
And then ur mummy picked you up. lucky...
i sorta just want to know if you're ok
I miss you, and I'm worried about you.
Which sounds stupid, but is true.
Stil away today... still miss you...
Please... just come back, and look OK. Not like last week. Look healthy again.
I don’t think that passenger seat
Has ever looked this good to me
He tells me about his night
And I count the colors in his eyes
He’ll never fall in love he swears
As he runs his fingers through his hair
I’m laughing cause I hope he's wrong
I don't think it ever crossed his mind
He tells a joke I fake a smile
That I know all his favorite songs
And..
[chorus:]
I could tell you his favorite color's green
He loves to argue, born on the seventeenth
His sister's beautiful, he has his father’s eyes
And if you asked me if I love him,
I’d lie
He looks around the room
Innocently overlooks the truth
Shouldn’t a light go on?
Doesn’t he know that I’ve had him memorized for so long?
He sees everything black and white
Never let nobody see him cry
I don’t let nobody see me wishing he was mine
[chorus]
He stands there then walks away
My god if I could only say
I’m holding every breath for you...
He’d never tell you but he can play guitar
I think he can see through everything
But my heart
First thought when I wake up is
My god he’s beautiful
So I put on my make up
And pray for a miracle
Yes I could tell you his favorite color's green
He loves to argue oh and it kills me
His sister's beautiful he has his father’s eyes
And if you asked me if I love him
If you asked me if I love him
I’d lie
Sunday, 2 November 2008
6 word memoirs
“Why did you say no?”
He asked such a simple question, but I couldn’t truthfully answer.
The truth would be – ‘because I KNOW that you don’t mean it, that you think you love me but in a few months time you’ll break my heart. I KNOW you’re NOT different; you’ll hurt me too. I KNOW that I can’t live through that again, I’m still broken from the last guy. I KNOW you’ll walk away from this unscathed, whilst I fall apart’ So what did I say?
“You’re too good for me”
I actually think I did a good job with that line, because it was almost true, yet still, the complete opposite of the truth. You’re too good for me because I’m still broken, but I’m too good for you because I know I deserve someone better.
But he didn’t see the lie or the truth, he saw me thinking he was magnificent, that I was unworthy. And whilst that was the furthest thing from my mind, he planted the thought, and from then on, I truly believed he was better than me.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok, I told you guys briefly about 6 word memoirs, on my last blog, yes? Some of you may have been tempted to check it out and read some cool thoughts, for the rest, allow me to tell you more.
Your life in 6 words. Simple, really, tell everyone everything, in just 6 words.
It’s like postsecret, but shorter. Now, just to get you guys just as addicted as me, I will share with you, some memoirs. Some of the cooler ones:
Sorry, I can only be me.
Just a girl, finding her way.
Hope is what keeps me smiling.
Crying is good for the soul.
I am sixteen going on seven
Life was over. Then you happened.
Listening to music gives me life.
The acne’s a joke, right God???
My day shines; thoughts of you.
There is a reason for everything.
Soon youth will be no excuse.
I'm all about hugs and high-fives
High school: "this too shall pass."
My heart's yours. Make a decision!
“To Santa,
Just him...
Thanks,
Anna.”
No-one wanted to dance with me
Let me pretend you broke me.
I know, I make it worse....
I'm really hoping he is asleep...
You hate. I love. That hurts.
I play my life, a song.
i wished upon a shooting star...
it's only magic if you believe
Once upon a time…never mind.
you care. you're just acting. right?
I like boys. So does he.
Because I think you're my destiny.
Sometimes, it helps to have faith.
He's the mirror every girl wants.
Butterflie were hideous once, have hope.
Without darkness, there is no light.
I know, I know, there’s a lot. But PLEASE read them all, they’re very good, and see if you can figure out which one I wrote ;)
ANYWHO. From now on, ill probably stick a 6-word-memoir on each of my blogs/ use one as name/pm. I like them, they are pretty.
And now you actually know what I’m talking about when I use them.
So, make an account! And add to them!!
And see if I use yours ;)
Im out!
He asked such a simple question, but I couldn’t truthfully answer.
The truth would be – ‘because I KNOW that you don’t mean it, that you think you love me but in a few months time you’ll break my heart. I KNOW you’re NOT different; you’ll hurt me too. I KNOW that I can’t live through that again, I’m still broken from the last guy. I KNOW you’ll walk away from this unscathed, whilst I fall apart’ So what did I say?
“You’re too good for me”
I actually think I did a good job with that line, because it was almost true, yet still, the complete opposite of the truth. You’re too good for me because I’m still broken, but I’m too good for you because I know I deserve someone better.
But he didn’t see the lie or the truth, he saw me thinking he was magnificent, that I was unworthy. And whilst that was the furthest thing from my mind, he planted the thought, and from then on, I truly believed he was better than me.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok, I told you guys briefly about 6 word memoirs, on my last blog, yes? Some of you may have been tempted to check it out and read some cool thoughts, for the rest, allow me to tell you more.
Your life in 6 words. Simple, really, tell everyone everything, in just 6 words.
It’s like postsecret, but shorter. Now, just to get you guys just as addicted as me, I will share with you, some memoirs. Some of the cooler ones:
Sorry, I can only be me.
Just a girl, finding her way.
Hope is what keeps me smiling.
Crying is good for the soul.
I am sixteen going on seven
Life was over. Then you happened.
Listening to music gives me life.
The acne’s a joke, right God???
My day shines; thoughts of you.
There is a reason for everything.
Soon youth will be no excuse.
I'm all about hugs and high-fives
High school: "this too shall pass."
My heart's yours. Make a decision!
“To Santa,
Just him...
Thanks,
Anna.”
No-one wanted to dance with me
Let me pretend you broke me.
I know, I make it worse....
I'm really hoping he is asleep...
You hate. I love. That hurts.
I play my life, a song.
i wished upon a shooting star...
it's only magic if you believe
Once upon a time…never mind.
you care. you're just acting. right?
I like boys. So does he.
Because I think you're my destiny.
Sometimes, it helps to have faith.
He's the mirror every girl wants.
Butterflie were hideous once, have hope.
Without darkness, there is no light.
I know, I know, there’s a lot. But PLEASE read them all, they’re very good, and see if you can figure out which one I wrote ;)
ANYWHO. From now on, ill probably stick a 6-word-memoir on each of my blogs/ use one as name/pm. I like them, they are pretty.
And now you actually know what I’m talking about when I use them.
So, make an account! And add to them!!
And see if I use yours ;)
Im out!
Saturday, 1 November 2008
{{ dont know what to put here }}
"Are you...serious?"
Thats not exactly what I meant to say, 'are you for real?' 'are you crazy?' 'are you TRYING to hurt me?' they all seemed a little more appropriate, but hey, who am i to cause trouble, right? im not the one to hurt others.
im the heartbroken, not the heart breaker. im the one who falls for all 'those' lines, the one who thought he was for real when he said 'i really love you', 'ive never felt like this about anyone else before'. im the jerk. the one who just wanted him to say that he was kidding, 'no, of course im not serious, i love you' yeah, im that naive.
"im so sorry"
he didnt look sorry. he didnt look like his eyes felt even a millionth of the pain that was currently pulsing through my every vein. he didnt look like he'd ever regret it, or wake up tomorrow morning crying because hed done something wrong.
he looked like all the others, he looked like something inside of him was laughing, he looked like he was thinking 'sucker! she fell for it!' but he definately didnt look sorry.
-------------
dunno what im gonna do with all that gab at the top of my blogs.
put it all together and make a story? hmm, would you read it?
i like expressing myself like that, its easier, than telling people how you feel.
which im not all that good at. except on this blog, and on my 6-word-memoir account.
AHEM. i feel that this random post is the perfect opportunity to introduce you (or reintroduce if you already know it) to the one blog i cannot live without. the blog i check on almost everyday because IM THAT SAD! and shes that good. she thinks the same way as me, recently met up with the 13 year old girl within her upon her discovery of twilight, and uses sarcasm as her FIRST language, english as her second.
of course, i could only be talking of Tia and CleverGirlGoesBlog.
i love her, really, she is amazing, and funny, and sarcastic, and witty and entertaining, and if she wrote a book, I WOULD SO BUY IT!!
so please, go to her website, it is UBERCOOL.
ok, enough about that, i do actually have some things that i would like to say. and i choose to take a further leaf out of amys book, in writing to these people via numeros.
Person 1
i now read your blog everyday
ur not close to me
ur close to my friends, weve just never been put together so we dont really know each other
your blog inspires me
cuz theres a really small chance that you know exactly how i feel
i just like to know that there can be a happy ending...or something like that
Person 2
i wanted you to be my best friend, truly
i joked about it, once, about how close we got, and then i started ignoring you
it hurt me
it felt like the the right thing to do
it really hurt me
i want us to be close, i know we can, we can fit perfectly together. you know me better than all of my group put together, because we always talk D&M, and youve seen my heart, more than i wanted you to, but im glad you saw it, now you know.
im sorry for ignoring you, i wish to now piece our friendship back together, we just, have such strong foundations, and no idea of what to build.
Person 3
im sorry. because i have this feeling that you blame me, and i dont know why.
i feel guilty, and i dont know why, did i do something?
would you tell me if i did?
would you care if i felt remorse?
im trying to remember what it is i feel guilty about, but im coming up blank.
im very sorry if ive hurt you, because i feel i have, and i AM truly sorry.
Person 4
noo, im not really your biggest fan at the moment.
ive had something ive been trying to tell you all week.
and weve talked. goodness, have we talked!
but not once about me, and now its too late, i have yet again suffered in silence, perhaps like i should have.
i dont want to go all woe-is-me, but i thought i knew you better.
i thought ud care
or at least notice that i was writhing in pain.
Person 5
im sorry, i didnt mean to tell someone else something that was so personal to you and people you love.
hopefully youll read this, and know i mean you.
i am truly sorry.
i dont think that helps, because i did upset you.
but i NEVER meant to hurt you.
PLEASE forgive me.
Thats not exactly what I meant to say, 'are you for real?' 'are you crazy?' 'are you TRYING to hurt me?' they all seemed a little more appropriate, but hey, who am i to cause trouble, right? im not the one to hurt others.
im the heartbroken, not the heart breaker. im the one who falls for all 'those' lines, the one who thought he was for real when he said 'i really love you', 'ive never felt like this about anyone else before'. im the jerk. the one who just wanted him to say that he was kidding, 'no, of course im not serious, i love you' yeah, im that naive.
"im so sorry"
he didnt look sorry. he didnt look like his eyes felt even a millionth of the pain that was currently pulsing through my every vein. he didnt look like he'd ever regret it, or wake up tomorrow morning crying because hed done something wrong.
he looked like all the others, he looked like something inside of him was laughing, he looked like he was thinking 'sucker! she fell for it!' but he definately didnt look sorry.
-------------
dunno what im gonna do with all that gab at the top of my blogs.
put it all together and make a story? hmm, would you read it?
i like expressing myself like that, its easier, than telling people how you feel.
which im not all that good at. except on this blog, and on my 6-word-memoir account.
AHEM. i feel that this random post is the perfect opportunity to introduce you (or reintroduce if you already know it) to the one blog i cannot live without. the blog i check on almost everyday because IM THAT SAD! and shes that good. she thinks the same way as me, recently met up with the 13 year old girl within her upon her discovery of twilight, and uses sarcasm as her FIRST language, english as her second.
of course, i could only be talking of Tia and CleverGirlGoesBlog.
i love her, really, she is amazing, and funny, and sarcastic, and witty and entertaining, and if she wrote a book, I WOULD SO BUY IT!!
so please, go to her website, it is UBERCOOL.
ok, enough about that, i do actually have some things that i would like to say. and i choose to take a further leaf out of amys book, in writing to these people via numeros.
Person 1
i now read your blog everyday
ur not close to me
ur close to my friends, weve just never been put together so we dont really know each other
your blog inspires me
cuz theres a really small chance that you know exactly how i feel
i just like to know that there can be a happy ending...or something like that
Person 2
i wanted you to be my best friend, truly
i joked about it, once, about how close we got, and then i started ignoring you
it hurt me
it felt like the the right thing to do
it really hurt me
i want us to be close, i know we can, we can fit perfectly together. you know me better than all of my group put together, because we always talk D&M, and youve seen my heart, more than i wanted you to, but im glad you saw it, now you know.
im sorry for ignoring you, i wish to now piece our friendship back together, we just, have such strong foundations, and no idea of what to build.
Person 3
im sorry. because i have this feeling that you blame me, and i dont know why.
i feel guilty, and i dont know why, did i do something?
would you tell me if i did?
would you care if i felt remorse?
im trying to remember what it is i feel guilty about, but im coming up blank.
im very sorry if ive hurt you, because i feel i have, and i AM truly sorry.
Person 4
noo, im not really your biggest fan at the moment.
ive had something ive been trying to tell you all week.
and weve talked. goodness, have we talked!
but not once about me, and now its too late, i have yet again suffered in silence, perhaps like i should have.
i dont want to go all woe-is-me, but i thought i knew you better.
i thought ud care
or at least notice that i was writhing in pain.
Person 5
im sorry, i didnt mean to tell someone else something that was so personal to you and people you love.
hopefully youll read this, and know i mean you.
i am truly sorry.
i dont think that helps, because i did upset you.
but i NEVER meant to hurt you.
PLEASE forgive me.
Tuesday, 28 October 2008
Uh, 42.
finished reading breaking dawn.
she got perfection.
everything she's ever wanted.
it makes me wonder...
is that what it's all about?
true love? best friends? a good family? peace?
because, we're never gonna get all that
we're never gonna get perfection
so where is the point that we feel satisfied?
do we wake up one day, and think 'jeez, this is a bit of all right!'?
or, do we just spend everyday trying to follow some sick purpose?
oooh, im gonna change the world. ill save lives, that will the purpose of my life, to stop other people from getting where i dont wanna go bcuz im saving them.
or, oooh, im gonna change the world! ill fix it, so that the next generation of people with no other purpose can have a good life with no purpose.
why bother??
and im not being emo or stupid or stuck in the whirlwind of last years identicle thoughts, im truly curious.
i want to know my point. why i bother waking up in the morning, what im looking for. why do we need friends? or family? or an education? or even money?? is there some afterlife where we'll be judged by the aquaintances we've managed to rack up over the years??
why do we need friends? in the end we all die alone. why is it so hard to take things alone? why do we need a shoulder? is it because we are weak?
i dont understand, i dont want to understand. i dont want to be involved. i dont want life, i didnt choose it, and what the hell am i going to do to the world that will change it??
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
10 minutes later.
beauty.
moments.
love. like i even know what that is...
trust. people can' be trusted. especially if i cant trust myself.
thats all i can think of.
this is another one of my lists, everytime im pissed again, ill look at my list, ill find my happiness, my purpose, ill cross things off when (not if) they dont help. wow, the upside of my blog took a sudden, masochistic turn.
i dont wanna do this.
i want to be happy.
so much.
she got perfection.
everything she's ever wanted.
it makes me wonder...
is that what it's all about?
true love? best friends? a good family? peace?
because, we're never gonna get all that
we're never gonna get perfection
so where is the point that we feel satisfied?
do we wake up one day, and think 'jeez, this is a bit of all right!'?
or, do we just spend everyday trying to follow some sick purpose?
oooh, im gonna change the world. ill save lives, that will the purpose of my life, to stop other people from getting where i dont wanna go bcuz im saving them.
or, oooh, im gonna change the world! ill fix it, so that the next generation of people with no other purpose can have a good life with no purpose.
why bother??
and im not being emo or stupid or stuck in the whirlwind of last years identicle thoughts, im truly curious.
i want to know my point. why i bother waking up in the morning, what im looking for. why do we need friends? or family? or an education? or even money?? is there some afterlife where we'll be judged by the aquaintances we've managed to rack up over the years??
why do we need friends? in the end we all die alone. why is it so hard to take things alone? why do we need a shoulder? is it because we are weak?
i dont understand, i dont want to understand. i dont want to be involved. i dont want life, i didnt choose it, and what the hell am i going to do to the world that will change it??
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
10 minutes later.
beauty.
moments.
thats all i can think of.
this is another one of my lists, everytime im pissed again, ill look at my list, ill find my happiness, my purpose, ill cross things off when (not if) they dont help. wow, the upside of my blog took a sudden, masochistic turn.
i dont wanna do this.
i want to be happy.
so much.
Sunday, 26 October 2008
True Love, and the price to pay
“You don’t get it!” Now I was pissed, this was so obvious, how could he miss it? “You left me broken! Shattered into a million tiny little pieces.” Okay, it was a little overdramatic, but I was trying to make a point. “And then I found him! And he actually put an effort into piecing me back together again. I felt good again, I felt almost happy!” That was a bit of a stretch, than again, maybe it wasn’t, maybe there was a point where I crossed into happy. “But he was falling into the same trap you had me in, and I knew it was only a matter of time before I broke him too.” Only a matter of time before I lost my friend, my closest friend and my best friend.
Now I realise that maybe I let him get too close. Actually, no maybe, I let him get too close. I shouldn’t have. And in the end I didn’t break him, he broke me too. Maybe it’s something about me.
------------------------------------------------------------------
You know what I realised??
I’d give it all up.
Everything.
My entire perfect life.
All of it.
Everything I’m thankful for everyday.
I’d let it go.
What for, Ebony??
For a storybook life.
You know the one, no friends, your parents split up, only child, barely getting by at school.
And him.
But the rest don’t matter, you’ve got him.
That’s what I want.
EVERYONE READING THIS!! I would give you up.
For true love.
I think this is an irrational feeling
And I’m sure in a few hours, I won’t feel the same.
I’ll touch back down to Earth.
Realise how good I’ve got it.
But until then…
As much as I love you guys…
I just want one person I can curl up next to, and tell everything, not have to keep secrets from. Someone who loves me, understands me. Someone who allows me to understand them, who lets me try, and succeed. I know that doesn’t make much sense, since none of you guys can see in my head. But I want that person so badly.
And although I spend a lot of my life running away from growing up, I think I’d like to grow up enough to meet that person.
So before I come to my sense and delte all of this, I'm going to post it. Maybe my perfect person will read it, and come find me :)
((Oh, and the stories at the top, I don't know what that's all about, but I like them, so I'll probably keep writing them))
Now I realise that maybe I let him get too close. Actually, no maybe, I let him get too close. I shouldn’t have. And in the end I didn’t break him, he broke me too. Maybe it’s something about me.
------------------------------------------------------------------
You know what I realised??
I’d give it all up.
Everything.
My entire perfect life.
All of it.
Everything I’m thankful for everyday.
I’d let it go.
What for, Ebony??
For a storybook life.
You know the one, no friends, your parents split up, only child, barely getting by at school.
And him.
But the rest don’t matter, you’ve got him.
That’s what I want.
EVERYONE READING THIS!! I would give you up.
For true love.
I think this is an irrational feeling
And I’m sure in a few hours, I won’t feel the same.
I’ll touch back down to Earth.
Realise how good I’ve got it.
But until then…
As much as I love you guys…
I just want one person I can curl up next to, and tell everything, not have to keep secrets from. Someone who loves me, understands me. Someone who allows me to understand them, who lets me try, and succeed. I know that doesn’t make much sense, since none of you guys can see in my head. But I want that person so badly.
And although I spend a lot of my life running away from growing up, I think I’d like to grow up enough to meet that person.
So before I come to my sense and delte all of this, I'm going to post it. Maybe my perfect person will read it, and come find me :)
((Oh, and the stories at the top, I don't know what that's all about, but I like them, so I'll probably keep writing them))
Thursday, 23 October 2008
RaNdooM
"You dont always have to be there hero" I whispered to him, smiling weakly. Of course he knew I was just trying to distract him, but did he know that I meant it?
"I know." He turned, his face desperate. I could see that clearly, even in the dim light "But sometimes, I just don't want to be the villain"
...
I DUNNO!!
...
ok, so i am.... confused
yes, good word.
"This is a little piece of hell, right in the middle of heaven"
My life, a few days ago... yesterday?
Today??
ALL GOOD.
I realised, this arvo, I'm happy again.
That emo but not feeling is gone!! =o=o
And I just feel like shouting it.
Maybe it was exams doing my head in? All I know is that now I can relax!!
CCCHHHIIILLLLLLL.
And tomorrow... read eclipse.
"I know." He turned, his face desperate. I could see that clearly, even in the dim light "But sometimes, I just don't want to be the villain"
...
I DUNNO!!
...
ok, so i am.... confused
yes, good word.
"This is a little piece of hell, right in the middle of heaven"
My life, a few days ago... yesterday?
Today??
ALL GOOD.
I realised, this arvo, I'm happy again.
That emo but not feeling is gone!! =o=o
And I just feel like shouting it.
Maybe it was exams doing my head in? All I know is that now I can relax!!
CCCHHHIIILLLLLLL.
And tomorrow... read eclipse.
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
~Twilight~
What I wrote on Sunday but didn’t post:
‘‘I put my knees together, one elbow on each, and my forearms perpendicular with the car floor below me. I was vaguely aware of the chattering around me about my sister’s driving. I rested my face in the palms of my hands, allowing my hair to fall around me. And I thought of him. Every part of his precious beauty filled me as I wistfully wished him to be mine. My face grew sadder as the minutes passed by, and my fantasy fled as I realised he was the one thing I could never have.
“What’s up?” my father’s words interrupted my thoughts, and I jerked my head up to look at him
“She’s scared of my driving” my sister joked.
“Enough to give you an instant headache, huh?”
“No…” I stopped myself before I told them what I had been thinking. My father distracted my sister by continuing to instruct her driving, I was thankful to him. I allowed my mind to again be consumed with thoughts of him as I drifted between fantasy and reality.’
OH SNAP!!
But I like it… it’s sorta… nice.
Like, idealistic, if you will.
I wrote that yesterday, in Spanish school. Just thought I’d share.
You see… I want my own fantasy.
Exam week. For everyone else… a big deal, they spent all week (and weekend for that matter) studying. What did I do? Read twilight 3 times. Midnight Sun (ch1-12) twice. New Moon.
So I’m guessing you’ve found my addiction.
And I don’t read the books because I like them, because I don’t think I like them all that much, they’re just my drug, my addiction. They give me hope.
As much as I try to remind myself that they are just books, I find great joy in believing that every girl has an Edward Cullen.’
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Today: I figured it out. My addiction. I had an epiphany.
What’s the best thing about fantasy? You get to get away, escape everything, over look reality.
So why have I drowned my self in it?? Because that, more than anything else in the world, is what I need. I may have been acting a little odd lately, in fact I probably still am. Just a little…void. I don’t know why that is. I Do know, however that, although I do not enjoy the twilight series, I UNDERSTAND it, and that means more than you would think. I understand everything they do, except Edward, he just pisses me off. And, because I understand it, AND relate to it, it feels real to me. It feels like… I’m blurring the lines between fantasy and reality. I’ve forgotten where I end and Bella begins. Her traits and mine, intertwined within my head, so that through it all, I have hope. So why don’t you have hope, Ebony? Why don’t you have something to look forward to? Why don’t you CARE anymore??
My answer: I don’t know. I just want to be lost, until it all finishes. What “it” is, I do not know. I just know that it must end for me to be happy. So… my dear Twilight, I have welcomed you with open arms Hoping that you hold something for me I don’t know if you do, I just know that you make things hurt less, and yet you still let me feel. What more could I want?? Twilight. When I first learnt that word, it was pure peace to me. It reminded me of blue, purple and black. The gap between cloudless day and cloudless night, it was poetic. I will never think of it that way again, it will always represent something comfortable, but never peaceful, I have lost the peace. But after all of this, I would like to end with a song, an unusual occurrence for my random blogs, but still, not a first.
The song: Wuthering Heights.
The story: Similar to new moon. (important parts BIGGER)
The difference: The names, there is a slight amount of role reversal, but all the ideas are common. Let Wuthering Weights be your forks. The lyrics:
Out On the wiley, windy moors
We'd roll and fall in green
You had a temper, like my jealousy
Too hot, too greedy
How could you leave me
When I needed to possess you?
I hated you, I loved you too
Bad dreams in the night
They told me I was going to lose the fight
Leave behind my wuthering, wuthering
Wuthering Heights
Heathcliff, it's me, Cathy, I've come home
I'm so cold, let me in in-a-your-window
Heathcliff, it's me, Cathy, I've come home
I'm so cold, let me in in-a-your-window
Oh it gets dark, it gets lonely
On the other side from you
I pine alot, I find the lot
Falls through without you
I'm coming back love, cruel Heathcliff
My one dream, my only master
Too long I roam in the night
I'm coming back to his side to put it right
I'm coming home to wuthering, wuthering
Wuthering Heights
Heathcliff, it's me, Cathy, I've come home
I'm so cold, let me in in-a-your-window
Heathcliff, it's me, Cathy, I've come home
I'm so cold, let me in in-a-your-window
Ooh let me have it, let me grab your soul away
Ooh let me have it, let me grab your soul away
You know it's me, Cathy
Heathcliff, it's me, Cathy come home
I'm so cold, let me in in-a-your-window
Heathcliff, it's me, Cathy come home
I'm so cold, let me in in-a-your-window
Heathcliff, it's me, Cathy come home
I'm so cold
Friday, 17 October 2008
Intoxicating
Ok, so, you were away today, yes, I noticed. But it’s the only day out of this week and next that you don’t have exams, so you are forgiven.
I only realised today, that I see you EVERYDAY. I mean like, sure, on the train, but this week, you haven’t caught my train ( =( ) because of your stupid foot. But still I’ve seen you everyday. You haven’t even had lunch and recess at the same time as the rest of the school, but still, I’ve seen you everyday. I’m starting to feel a bit like a stalker.
Like, I see you walk into school, cuz in the mornings I sit near the gate. I see you at random times when you decide to SIT AT MY TABLE!!!!
Amy: *walking up to table, ROFLING*
Me: “It is so not funny! So BEYOND funny!!”
Amy: *still laughing*
So I walked away, I was the only one there anyway, (out of my group), so I usually walk away, I just walked away especially quickly.
Shailin: “Why didn’t you talk to him?”
Me: *thinks really hard*…. “Because, it hurts me, he makes me feel bad about myself”
Shai: “So WHY DO YOU LIKE HIM??”
Me: *thinks again, still really hard* “Because he’s really nice to everyone else”
And thus it stands.
It still hurts me, a lot, to talk to you.
I am “intoxicated by your presence”.
You still don’t care that you hurt me.
You are taking Bianca to her prom. (Just thought I’d throw that in there, so irrelevant)
It scares me slightly to be around you, but also, I love that thrill, so I cannot stay away
You make my heart act in weird and wonderful ways; it has been know to stop around you.
I don’t like that you got hurt, I really don’t. I looked up, saw you, and thought “Not him”. But you’ve hurt me so much, that I try so hard to make it about me.
I should explain that more:
Afterwards, after I’d looked down again, I tried to think of a reason why this would be good for me. You’d hurt yourself, and that hurt me, I needed some sort of… consolation prize. Whilst my primary fear was for you, I try so hard to hurt myself less, and so, my instinct was to be glad that you’d hurt yourself. To make us balance, equal.
Oh and one last thing, Monday! I didn’t MEAN it like that. It’s just that, when you come up in conversation (as you so often seem to, whether with my sister or even Christina), I keep you there, when people start to stray, I bring the conversation back to you, it gives me an excuse to think of you. So whilst it may have seen mean, it was merely a way of stopping their minds from deviating for a few seconds longer.
…
I can’t pick a song. I’m trying, I’d Lie comes to mind, but even since my sister told me it reminds her of Twilight, I’ve been reluctant to think of it in association with you. It’s just, one of those things.
…
Oh well, here, have two lines:
“Wouldn’t it be nice to leave it open-ended, and pretend it could go either way?”
I only realised today, that I see you EVERYDAY. I mean like, sure, on the train, but this week, you haven’t caught my train ( =( ) because of your stupid foot. But still I’ve seen you everyday. You haven’t even had lunch and recess at the same time as the rest of the school, but still, I’ve seen you everyday. I’m starting to feel a bit like a stalker.
Like, I see you walk into school, cuz in the mornings I sit near the gate. I see you at random times when you decide to SIT AT MY TABLE!!!!
Amy: *walking up to table, ROFLING*
Me: “It is so not funny! So BEYOND funny!!”
Amy: *still laughing*
So I walked away, I was the only one there anyway, (out of my group), so I usually walk away, I just walked away especially quickly.
Shailin: “Why didn’t you talk to him?”
Me: *thinks really hard*…. “Because, it hurts me, he makes me feel bad about myself”
Shai: “So WHY DO YOU LIKE HIM??”
Me: *thinks again, still really hard* “Because he’s really nice to everyone else”
And thus it stands.
It still hurts me, a lot, to talk to you.
I am “intoxicated by your presence”.
You still don’t care that you hurt me.
You are taking Bianca to her prom. (Just thought I’d throw that in there, so irrelevant)
It scares me slightly to be around you, but also, I love that thrill, so I cannot stay away
You make my heart act in weird and wonderful ways; it has been know to stop around you.
I don’t like that you got hurt, I really don’t. I looked up, saw you, and thought “Not him”. But you’ve hurt me so much, that I try so hard to make it about me.
I should explain that more:
Afterwards, after I’d looked down again, I tried to think of a reason why this would be good for me. You’d hurt yourself, and that hurt me, I needed some sort of… consolation prize. Whilst my primary fear was for you, I try so hard to hurt myself less, and so, my instinct was to be glad that you’d hurt yourself. To make us balance, equal.
Oh and one last thing, Monday! I didn’t MEAN it like that. It’s just that, when you come up in conversation (as you so often seem to, whether with my sister or even Christina), I keep you there, when people start to stray, I bring the conversation back to you, it gives me an excuse to think of you. So whilst it may have seen mean, it was merely a way of stopping their minds from deviating for a few seconds longer.
…
I can’t pick a song. I’m trying, I’d Lie comes to mind, but even since my sister told me it reminds her of Twilight, I’ve been reluctant to think of it in association with you. It’s just, one of those things.
…
Oh well, here, have two lines:
“Wouldn’t it be nice to leave it open-ended, and pretend it could go either way?”
Monday, 13 October 2008
Can't Lose What You Never Had - Westlife
Ok, so I haven’t blogged about you in a while, again.
I know, I keep doing that, but it’s probably because things never seem to change with you.
Today: First day back this term.
You weren’t on the train.
After P2: I see you walking past with your friends, on crutches; you’d hurt your foot.
First thought: Ouch! Poor thing.
Second thought: Jeez, about time he hurt someone other than me.
See, my liking you comes before my hating you. I don’t like that. I don’t want to care about you, just like you don’t care about me.
Our only conversation today (so far):
You: “HI EBONY!!”
Me: *looks up* “HI!” *looks down again*
You: “I don’t like you.”
Me: *walks away*
Come on! Who just throws that into conversation? I KNOW!! I know you hate me, okay? I don’t the need the not-so-friendly reminder.
All day, I’ve been really quiet, yes! Me! Quiet.
Amy: “We came first in state for Wakakirri!!!”
Me: *distantly* “Cool…”
Seriously, normally, I would be like, jumping sky high about stuff like that. Not today! Today, you told me that you “don’t like” me. And not even because it came up, but because you thought I should know that.
I DO! You think I make up this crap??
Me & Shailin today
Shai: “So tell me about your boy troubles”
Me: “Well…”
Shai: “Wait is it about…?” *tilts head*
ME: “Yeah”
Shai: “Continue”
Me: “He hates me”
Shai: “Really?”
ME: “Yeah”
Shai: “How do you know?”
Me: “He said so”
Shai: “As in a joke?”
Me: “Nope”
Shai: “Why does he hate you?”
Me: “No idea”
Shai: “Really?”
Me: “Yeah”
That sorta got me thinking… why do you hate me?
I mean sure, I’m not the nicest person in the world, I get that, but I’m not exactly the worst either. I’m okay, once you get to know me. I have my flaws, but nothing that bad.
I don’t get it.
But thankyou for hurting yourself.
Baby you're so beautiful,
and when i'm near you,
i can't breathe,(i can't breathe)
A guy like you gets what you want,when you want it,
You're so out of my league,
I show you no emotion,
Don't let you see, what you're doin' to me
I imagine the two of us together,
but i've been living in reality,
Fear of rejection,
kept my love inside,
But time is running out,
so damn my foolish pride,
I don't care if you think i'm crazy
It doesn't matter if it turns out bad,
I've got no fear of losing you,
You can't lose what you never had,
Now i'm gonna confess, that i love you,
I've been keeping it inside, feelin i could die,
But if you turn away, baby that's okay,
At least we had a moment,before you say goodbye,
You can lose what you never had,
Rules are made for breaking,
Nothing ventured nothing gained,
I'll be no worse off than i am right now,
and i might never get that chance again,baby,
Fear of rejection,
kept my love inside,
Told my heart i didn't want you,
but i lied,
I don't care if you think i'm crazy,
It doesn't matter if it turns out bad
I've got no fear of losing you,
You can't lose what you never had,
Now i'm gonna confess, that i love you,
I've been keeping it inside, feelin i could die,
But if you turn away, baby that's okay,
At least we had a moment,before you say goodbye,
You can lose what you never had,
Here on the outside looking in,
Don't wanna stay dreaming bout,
what could have been,
Need to hear you speak my name,
even if you shoot me down in flames,
I don't care if you think i'm crazy
It doesn't matter if it turns out bad
I've got no fear of losing you,
You can't lose what you never had,
Now i'm gonna confess that i love you
I've been keepin it inside,
feelin i could die
But if you turn away, baby that's okay
At least we have a moment before you say good-bye
You can't lose what you never had
I know, I keep doing that, but it’s probably because things never seem to change with you.
Today: First day back this term.
You weren’t on the train.
After P2: I see you walking past with your friends, on crutches; you’d hurt your foot.
First thought: Ouch! Poor thing.
Second thought: Jeez, about time he hurt someone other than me.
See, my liking you comes before my hating you. I don’t like that. I don’t want to care about you, just like you don’t care about me.
Our only conversation today (so far):
You: “HI EBONY!!”
Me: *looks up* “HI!” *looks down again*
You: “I don’t like you.”
Me: *walks away*
Come on! Who just throws that into conversation? I KNOW!! I know you hate me, okay? I don’t the need the not-so-friendly reminder.
All day, I’ve been really quiet, yes! Me! Quiet.
Amy: “We came first in state for Wakakirri!!!”
Me: *distantly* “Cool…”
Seriously, normally, I would be like, jumping sky high about stuff like that. Not today! Today, you told me that you “don’t like” me. And not even because it came up, but because you thought I should know that.
I DO! You think I make up this crap??
Me & Shailin today
Shai: “So tell me about your boy troubles”
Me: “Well…”
Shai: “Wait is it about…?” *tilts head*
ME: “Yeah”
Shai: “Continue”
Me: “He hates me”
Shai: “Really?”
ME: “Yeah”
Shai: “How do you know?”
Me: “He said so”
Shai: “As in a joke?”
Me: “Nope”
Shai: “Why does he hate you?”
Me: “No idea”
Shai: “Really?”
Me: “Yeah”
That sorta got me thinking… why do you hate me?
I mean sure, I’m not the nicest person in the world, I get that, but I’m not exactly the worst either. I’m okay, once you get to know me. I have my flaws, but nothing that bad.
I don’t get it.
But thankyou for hurting yourself.
Baby you're so beautiful,
and when i'm near you,
i can't breathe,(i can't breathe)
A guy like you gets what you want,when you want it,
You're so out of my league,
I show you no emotion,
Don't let you see, what you're doin' to me
I imagine the two of us together,
but i've been living in reality,
Fear of rejection,
kept my love inside,
But time is running out,
so damn my foolish pride,
I don't care if you think i'm crazy
It doesn't matter if it turns out bad,
I've got no fear of losing you,
You can't lose what you never had,
Now i'm gonna confess, that i love you,
I've been keeping it inside, feelin i could die,
But if you turn away, baby that's okay,
At least we had a moment,before you say goodbye,
You can lose what you never had,
Rules are made for breaking,
Nothing ventured nothing gained,
I'll be no worse off than i am right now,
and i might never get that chance again,baby,
Fear of rejection,
kept my love inside,
Told my heart i didn't want you,
but i lied,
I don't care if you think i'm crazy,
It doesn't matter if it turns out bad
I've got no fear of losing you,
You can't lose what you never had,
Now i'm gonna confess, that i love you,
I've been keeping it inside, feelin i could die,
But if you turn away, baby that's okay,
At least we had a moment,before you say goodbye,
You can lose what you never had,
Here on the outside looking in,
Don't wanna stay dreaming bout,
what could have been,
Need to hear you speak my name,
even if you shoot me down in flames,
I don't care if you think i'm crazy
It doesn't matter if it turns out bad
I've got no fear of losing you,
You can't lose what you never had,
Now i'm gonna confess that i love you
I've been keepin it inside,
feelin i could die
But if you turn away, baby that's okay
At least we have a moment before you say good-bye
You can't lose what you never had
Saturday, 11 October 2008
My Holiday
Haven’t blogged all holidays, and for good reason, I tried to forget everything. It may not have worked, but I tried.
I didn’t want to come here, and let myself think. Because I have a crazy mind, and with the out the regularity and sanity of school I’m sure I would have gone crazy here. It’s what I do. If you know me, you know that. I over think and overanalyse everything. I end up thinking I know things that aren’t true.
The other reason I didn’t blog is because I got really depressed. Especially in the first week. I remember saying earlier that in last year’s holidays I hit rock bottom. Well, I did it again. I was crazy. I hardly even remember the week. I just sat here, at this computer, listened to the same songs over again, played solitaire and went mental. I wrote, this thing. I was meaning to put it here on this blog spot, but now, it just scares me that I thought these thoughts:
What you’ve never known about me: I actually walk really slowly normally, I only walk fast with friends, because I can escape, and be alone. I love being alone, because I’m not me around other people, I’m who I pretend to be, and I don’t really like that person. I’m actually not a happy person. I smile. I laugh. I joke. But it’s not me. Me: I hate the world. I think happiness is overrated. I love to cry. Sometimes I force myself to cry because it makes me feel. I love to feel. My favourite song at the moment: Try Honesty – Billy Talent. I envy Goths because they have no worries. I like bright colours because they remind me of someone I could never be. I enjoy be upset. “Do what makes you happy, if being miserable is what makes you happy, then be miserable, as long as it makes you happy.” It doesn’t make me happy, it makes me satisfied. Things hurt less when you let them hurt more. Going crazy with anger makes you freer than going crazy on happiness. I don’t envy happy people, because people think I’m a happy person. I understand. They’re just trapped, trapped behind a disguise they invented. A disguise they invented to make other people happy. Other people don’t like sadness. They don’t like it when you say suicide is a good idea, that you’ve contemplated it, or that you know 17 different ways to kill yourself. I understand emos, people who self harm. When things hurt physically, the emotional pain goes away, it’s overpowered. Emotional pain feels worse, but physical pain is stronger, it helps you forget.
What scares the most about that, is that most of it is true. I walk faster with others, I love to cry, that is my favourite song, even though it’s what I imagine death would sound like.
I’m scared of that person, of who I was. And I don’t just mean last week. I know none of you knew me before high school, and those of you that did, you’d know that I never had real friends, people I could tell stuff. But I was seriously emo, I cried randomly for no reason. I wrote lists of all the reasons I should stay alive, but gradually crossed off everything. Everytime I was happy, I gave myself a reason, then I added it to the list, but it was all crossed off.
Until I decided to be a vet. I think that was escape. My reason, “for the animals”, even now I find written over and over again on sheets of paper, in my diary, all over my room. I convinced myself to live, for all the animals I could save. I find it insane when I think about it now, and I’m scared of that person I was. Everytime I look into my past, I’m surprised by what I went through. Most people have some sort of childhood issues, but mine went further than others, I can actually understand how I became depressed. I was severely traumatised as a child.
I make excuses for things now, I make excuses for people, for how they treated me, I try to see the other side of everything. I think that’s damaging to my conscious, I can understand every side of the story, so am okay when I do the wrong thing. I know who started all this, I know who I blame. My parents may truly believe that I’ve led a sheltered life, but I’ve seen things you only ever read about in magazines, things that give people nightmares. They almost found out once, what she did to me, but I stopped them, I got away. They were shocked, but they let me distract them, looking back, I shouldn’t have, but I did. Now, I’d prefer that I had the protection I needed. I’m still making excuses for her in my mind though, and I need someone to tell me that what she did was wrong, that I didn’t deserve it, that when she told me it would be fun, she didn’t mean for me. I need someone to tell me that I was right to be scared, that I wasn’t a whimp. I need someone to understand.
You watch those shows, and you see people say, “it’s not your fault, you did nothing to cause this, she is in the wrong, not you” and you think, Jeez! Kid! Get it already, how can you still think it was you? But the thing is, I trusted her, so it was my fault. You watch other people like you and you think, “ it wasn’t you, you deserve so much more than that”, but why don’t think I deserve more? This blog is probably scaring anyone who’s reading it, because this is a really big secret, and most of you probably know what I’m talking about, what the thing is, but none of you know the person. None of you know what happened, how it happened, how I remember every second, and no matter what I do, it will only ever be me, no one else can ever understand. Because I let her! It was her fault, but I let her get away with it. For over a year! Every week! I let her treat me worse than I should be treated.
I try to tell myself that I didn’t know better, in fact, I had no idea what she was doing. But no matter how innocent I was, I must have understood. I must have actually gotten it.
And now this is completely sidetracked, cuz I was meant to be telling you about my holiday. Well, I’m too annoyed now, Ill blog about the holiday another time.
I didn’t want to come here, and let myself think. Because I have a crazy mind, and with the out the regularity and sanity of school I’m sure I would have gone crazy here. It’s what I do. If you know me, you know that. I over think and overanalyse everything. I end up thinking I know things that aren’t true.
The other reason I didn’t blog is because I got really depressed. Especially in the first week. I remember saying earlier that in last year’s holidays I hit rock bottom. Well, I did it again. I was crazy. I hardly even remember the week. I just sat here, at this computer, listened to the same songs over again, played solitaire and went mental. I wrote, this thing. I was meaning to put it here on this blog spot, but now, it just scares me that I thought these thoughts:
What you’ve never known about me: I actually walk really slowly normally, I only walk fast with friends, because I can escape, and be alone. I love being alone, because I’m not me around other people, I’m who I pretend to be, and I don’t really like that person. I’m actually not a happy person. I smile. I laugh. I joke. But it’s not me. Me: I hate the world. I think happiness is overrated. I love to cry. Sometimes I force myself to cry because it makes me feel. I love to feel. My favourite song at the moment: Try Honesty – Billy Talent. I envy Goths because they have no worries. I like bright colours because they remind me of someone I could never be. I enjoy be upset. “Do what makes you happy, if being miserable is what makes you happy, then be miserable, as long as it makes you happy.” It doesn’t make me happy, it makes me satisfied. Things hurt less when you let them hurt more. Going crazy with anger makes you freer than going crazy on happiness. I don’t envy happy people, because people think I’m a happy person. I understand. They’re just trapped, trapped behind a disguise they invented. A disguise they invented to make other people happy. Other people don’t like sadness. They don’t like it when you say suicide is a good idea, that you’ve contemplated it, or that you know 17 different ways to kill yourself. I understand emos, people who self harm. When things hurt physically, the emotional pain goes away, it’s overpowered. Emotional pain feels worse, but physical pain is stronger, it helps you forget.
What scares the most about that, is that most of it is true. I walk faster with others, I love to cry, that is my favourite song, even though it’s what I imagine death would sound like.
I’m scared of that person, of who I was. And I don’t just mean last week. I know none of you knew me before high school, and those of you that did, you’d know that I never had real friends, people I could tell stuff. But I was seriously emo, I cried randomly for no reason. I wrote lists of all the reasons I should stay alive, but gradually crossed off everything. Everytime I was happy, I gave myself a reason, then I added it to the list, but it was all crossed off.
Until I decided to be a vet. I think that was escape. My reason, “for the animals”, even now I find written over and over again on sheets of paper, in my diary, all over my room. I convinced myself to live, for all the animals I could save. I find it insane when I think about it now, and I’m scared of that person I was. Everytime I look into my past, I’m surprised by what I went through. Most people have some sort of childhood issues, but mine went further than others, I can actually understand how I became depressed. I was severely traumatised as a child.
I make excuses for things now, I make excuses for people, for how they treated me, I try to see the other side of everything. I think that’s damaging to my conscious, I can understand every side of the story, so am okay when I do the wrong thing. I know who started all this, I know who I blame. My parents may truly believe that I’ve led a sheltered life, but I’ve seen things you only ever read about in magazines, things that give people nightmares. They almost found out once, what she did to me, but I stopped them, I got away. They were shocked, but they let me distract them, looking back, I shouldn’t have, but I did. Now, I’d prefer that I had the protection I needed. I’m still making excuses for her in my mind though, and I need someone to tell me that what she did was wrong, that I didn’t deserve it, that when she told me it would be fun, she didn’t mean for me. I need someone to tell me that I was right to be scared, that I wasn’t a whimp. I need someone to understand.
You watch those shows, and you see people say, “it’s not your fault, you did nothing to cause this, she is in the wrong, not you” and you think, Jeez! Kid! Get it already, how can you still think it was you? But the thing is, I trusted her, so it was my fault. You watch other people like you and you think, “ it wasn’t you, you deserve so much more than that”, but why don’t think I deserve more? This blog is probably scaring anyone who’s reading it, because this is a really big secret, and most of you probably know what I’m talking about, what the thing is, but none of you know the person. None of you know what happened, how it happened, how I remember every second, and no matter what I do, it will only ever be me, no one else can ever understand. Because I let her! It was her fault, but I let her get away with it. For over a year! Every week! I let her treat me worse than I should be treated.
I try to tell myself that I didn’t know better, in fact, I had no idea what she was doing. But no matter how innocent I was, I must have understood. I must have actually gotten it.
And now this is completely sidetracked, cuz I was meant to be telling you about my holiday. Well, I’m too annoyed now, Ill blog about the holiday another time.
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