Uh, 42.

finished reading breaking dawn.
she got perfection.
everything she's ever wanted.
it makes me wonder...

is that what it's all about?
true love? best friends? a good family? peace?
because, we're never gonna get all that
we're never gonna get perfection
so where is the point that we feel satisfied?
do we wake up one day, and think 'jeez, this is a bit of all right!'?
or, do we just spend everyday trying to follow some sick purpose?

oooh, im gonna change the world. ill save lives, that will the purpose of my life, to stop other people from getting where i dont wanna go bcuz im saving them.

or, oooh, im gonna change the world! ill fix it, so that the next generation of people with no other purpose can have a good life with no purpose.

why bother??

and im not being emo or stupid or stuck in the whirlwind of last years identicle thoughts, im truly curious.

i want to know my point. why i bother waking up in the morning, what im looking for. why do we need friends? or family? or an education? or even money?? is there some afterlife where we'll be judged by the aquaintances we've managed to rack up over the years??

why do we need friends? in the end we all die alone. why is it so hard to take things alone? why do we need a shoulder? is it because we are weak?

i dont understand, i dont want to understand. i dont want to be involved. i dont want life, i didnt choose it, and what the hell am i going to do to the world that will change it??

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

10 minutes later.

beauty.
moments.
love. like i even know what that is...
trust. people can' be trusted. especially if i cant trust myself.




thats all i can think of.

this is another one of my lists, everytime im pissed again, ill look at my list, ill find my happiness, my purpose, ill cross things off when (not if) they dont help. wow, the upside of my blog took a sudden, masochistic turn.

i dont wanna do this.
i want to be happy.















so much.