Settling

So I've been thinking a lot lately about the idea that I'm settling in life and that I've achieved a lot of the goals that I set out to achieve in life and that feels weird to me. I've always had something to work towards and I kind of don't have that in a big picture now. I still have day-to-day goals and work is really useful for that but it's not the same and it makes me feel weird.


I don't want to feel like the rest of my life is settling though, I want to feel like it's an achievement. And also like I still have things to work towards.

Having me back.

You say that I make you sound like superman but the truth is that you do feel like a hero to me. For so long I had to be the hero and it was so exhausting and staying on top of everything was so hard. And now I have you. You with your superhero cape. You with all your annoying habits. I feel like I can only be me when I'm with you. And I missed me. It's nice to have me back.

And now I'm an Adult with Responsibility and I have to do everything myself and buy everything myself. And I am so unbelievably happy. I haven't had a sad thought in a month. I thought I'd been making excuses for being miserable for so long but it turns out my excuses were valid. I don't have to be miserable anymore. I don't have to hate every day. It feels like a giant weight has been lifted... Like coming up for air. And I'd been drowning for so long I barely remembered what air was.

Update on Life

I'm going to try and write a post that's not a giant metaphor.

Life is good and school is good and I'm happy to go to work every day and I'm happy to come home every day and that's good. I get home and I hate home and I go and do work to distract myself and then I can't switch off from work and then I'm up at midnight crying uncontrollable and laughing hysterically simultaneously and I know that something is wrong but I don't know what it is.

And then the holidays come and I get a break and I colour in and then I injure my wrist and I can't write for a week and this is why I can't have nice things. I go and look at houses and talk to important financial people and plan for a life where I don't have to avoid home or eat dinner at 8:30 or do the things I don't want to do. That life is so close I can taste it. It tastes like food I've chosen. Like a high vegetable to meat ratio.

So I feel guilty for every dollar I spend that puts the Happy Life off by another 2.4 seconds. I feel guilty when I buy a nice dress to wear to my awards ceremony at uni or a $4 lipstick or the tank of petrol I need to drive a friend home. And then I make lists and budgets and spreadsheets and I track every cent and I classify everything in my crazy categories and I keep my job at Coles to justify buying my membership with the dragons. And the lists work. The budget eases the guilt. My whole life is easing guilt.

But I need a hobby that can keep me sufficiently distracted from work that I only question my mental health every other day. The only problem is that I don't like doing anything and I never have. I have never held a hobby for longer than about twelve months. And all the suggestions I get are impractical or unappealing. No thank you I don't want to participate in a team sport the only thing worse than sport is teams. Sorry I don't have any land but I would love to start a veggie patch. No I can't do anything involving writing or colouring or even using a computer to be honest because the pain in my wrist is always unbearable.

I don't really know what I'm doing with my life but at least I have a vague direction and I'm getting all the career opportunities I want and I can afford to buy my own home which is becoming increasingly rare in my generation so I'm not here to complain. This is just what my life is now. This is what I've worked for unwavering for as many years as I can remember. This is why I studied and worked instead of every going anywhere or seeing anyone. It's nearly time for me to set some new goals. How exciting.

The Invisible Light of My Life

So here’s the thing about holding an invisible candle for someone: it’s invisible. And then you seem like the jerk who’s not willing to pick anything up because you’re holding this fucking invisible thing. And you feel this incredible guilt for not making other people and guilt is a thing that I am so familiar with and you think, well, if that person can’t see the candle either and they don’t know you’re putting it down, what’s the problem? But they see. They see because they watch you hold the candle with baited breath and putting it down seems like such a huge step to them and then you go to pick up the candle again after you’ve done your share of the work and it’s not even there anymore. Because you have responsibilities to the world, because saying no to someone is hard, because the candle is so dim and you don’t even know if it will last the trip with such a dull flame, with such a tiny glimmer of hope.

I counted days. I remember that so well. I remember being upset that I lent someone my sharpies and couldn’t update my count. But what was I even counting for? The distance hope that things might change and something might make everything ok. But that was just a dream. Wishes are not horses. For all the things I’ve wished so long and hard about… Now I wish for things I already have not to go away.

But I'm So Close

Break my heart one more time.
Because I am not quite broken yet.
And you seem intent on destroying me.

The days.

The days get so hard and long and exhausting.  How much longer can I do it? The question I bring to myself every few months. How long can I go without a day off before I crack? How long until I get aggressively sick beyond recovery? How long until I can't get out of bed in the morning? How long until I start crying myself to sleep every night. But every time I can go a little bit longer. And every time my body breaks in different ways.

So I make jokes. I laugh about the fact that I ask for help and receive "see you later" in response. I laugh when students set trees on fire or when they steal things or rip up their worksheets and throw them across the room at each other.

And I cry. When I find the time. I always cry. Sometimes I have a spare five minutes and I use it to cry. And maybe that's not healthy but I don't think there is a healthy solution. Everything is too hard. What do I do?

Lower my expectations. Change my mind about what I want in life.
And laugh.
Keep laughing

A Lack of Nostalgia

And so the last week of uni ever has drawn to a close. And I feel none of the sadness that I thought I would. Yes, I've enjoyed this period of independence and working on what I want when I want to, but in general I'm really disappointed with uni and it's not what I was expecting it to be. I thought I would learn things that actually help me teach, as opposed to things that help me research and write essays. I thought teachers would explain things, that they would teach things, that I would have the opportunity to learn things. But they kind of just give vague explanations and hope you already understand what they're teaching. So yeah, I'm not going to miss that...

And I thought that I would make friends that would last a lifetime, but then I suppose I expected that from high school as well... I'm so bad at friendship though, I don't like putting in so much effort to see people. I don't like being out at night because I like to go to bed early and I'm always busy on weekends. So I'd rather not socialise with people... And some people don't like that very much and honestly that's fine. Because my happiness doesn't depend on other people. At least not at the moment.

So at the moment the thing that's terrifying me is all the work I'm going to have to do on prac. The lessons to plan and all the paperwork. How do I make things exciting? How do I reach these kids? But also go to work and tutor and earn money because I need money because that's what I'm waiting on at the moment for my happiness.... There's always something.....

Harry Potter movies

Sometimes it's amazing how little it takes to make me happy.

Just one day of watching Harry Potter movies with you and talking about bad fan fic, eating chicken nuggets with too much sauce, as you cough up phlegm every five minutes. I want to watch movies with you when you're sick and take care of you for as long as you'll let me.

There are some memories we make that last for a long time and I hope that one of them is watch Harry Potter 5, for the first time ever, in your arms.

(You make me so happy that even the bad weather can't bring me down)

(If I ever wanted to cast a patronus, all I would have to do is think of you)

And then you say things like "Why is there a part of me that dies every time I finish a story?" and I just want to cuddle you forever and not let you lose any more of yourself.

But I'm happy, you know? I'm the happy I thought I'd lost.

Finding Me

To be honest, I don't want to put up with being treated like crap by you and I've decided I don't have to anymore just because I feel sorry for you. I feel like this is a repeating pattern for me where I feel guilty for my own happiness so I let people who aren't happy treat me like I am a bad person for being happy. But I'm not a bad person and I work hard to be happy and my happiness is a struggle and I don't have to feel guilty for it.

It's crazy, isn't it? Because it's not just friends, it's almost everyone in my life. I think I've just always been told that my opinion isn't as important as everyone else's and that I'm not right unless adults agree with and all that stuff isn't true. I want to have the freedom to be my own person. Everyone keeps telling me off for not doing things that other people enjoy even when I explain why I don't enjoy doing. I just want everyone to leave me alone.

I'm trying not to live for the future and to just enjoy my right now but if the next twelve months could go a little faster than usual I won't complain. I'm sure I'll miss uni once it's over but whilst I'm here, I'm  not particularly fond of it. At least at uni I can read books in class though... There are definitely some perks I'll miss.

Best friends

The nights we stay up late talking are my favourite kind of nights; sharing everything with each other, even the things we're ashamed of and the things we thought we wouldn't tell. Sometimes it makes me so happy I can't feel it any more. Sometimes you make me scared I'll never be that happy again. But you take away the numbness and I wouldn't give that up for anything. Thanks for being my best friend ever. Thanks for staying up just in case I need to text you, even when I'm out with friends. Thanks for holding my hand when I'm so sad and stressed and overwhelmed with life. Thanks for listening to me freaking out about everything and letting me cry. I can't tell you how lost I would be without you.







Man it's been a long night
Just sitting here, trying not to look back
Still looking at the road we never drove on
And wondering if the one I chose was the right one

We have lots to discuss

You put in all the effort and try everything you can think of to get them to notice you. Look at me, we have the same interests and the same sense of humour. Maybe we should hang out some time, we have lots to discuss.  And they laugh straight past you to another one in the crowd. Every time. Maybe it's the same person, maybe it isn't, maybe you don't even care. It's so tiring putting in the effort every day. What are you supposed to do?
I guess what I'm saying is I'm giving up and I hope you have a great life. And if you want me in it, I'll be here.

Sometimes I feel like I should tell you all the stuff going on with me. But it's always for selfish reasons. I just want you to care about me I guess. I just want everyone to care... So I don't tell you, because you deserve better and you deserve to care about someone who cares about you too.
I hope you find that someone. One day.

And goodness you just drive me insane. I want to hold onto you but every time I try you run away and every time I let go you come back. I never really wanted to let go in the first place but you make me feel so unwanted. I wish we could be what we used to be, whatever that is, and just make it work. But I read too much into everything. And you write too much into everything. At the end of the day we both have fabricated stories in our heads of what's going on instead of saying what we mean because it's too hard.
But I think I'll be able to say it now. And maybe that will mean that you laugh at me and maybe it will mean you leave but it has to be said. I'm sorry for letting this go on.

I'm stuck at a crossroads with you because everything in the universe is stopping us from taking another step. And we plan these things out so well and then something comes in at the last minute and ruins it. So sometimes I just sit alone and think of you and cry. There's so much I want to change. I wish I could take charge of my happiness instead of waiting helplessly.
Sometimes I feel like I'm taking charge but the feeling passes fairly quickly.

I want to be a Sim

I want to be a Sim, living in my Sim house with my Sim dog working everyday at my Sim job that doesn't require a Sim degree. I want life to be a series of hunger and energy and fun bars that I just need to fill to be happy. I want to water my Sim plants and stock my Sim fridge with my Sim vegetables and I want to only know four people and never have to see them, only call them to maintain our friendships. I want to be able to afford my Sim house almost the moment I move out of home and I want to spend all my Sim money on pretty plants and fancy televisions and really, really comfortable beds. I want to open a Sim business and sell my Sim paintings that I paint on the side, just for a bit of fun. I want to fall in Sim love and get Sim married at my house, in the backyard, with only my four friends present. I want a cheat to turn aging off so I can live forever young and beautiful until I decide that I'm ready to grow old. I want a cheat to give me as much money as I need to buy the house I've always wanted. I want a cheat that changes the time to give me that extra hour in the day that I need to have breakfast before work.

Who are you?

I'm the girl who is always dreaming, waiting for tomorrow to bring a better day. My mind full of possibilities and if onlys and one days. I promise you that the future will be better but everything can only ever disappoint. I wish I didn't disappoint.



I count the ways I let you down
On my fingers and toes but I'm running out
Clever words can't help me now
I grip you tight but you're slipping out



I'm the boy your mother warned you about, here to break your heart. To tell you that you mean the world to me and two days later tell you I'm in love with someone else. The boy who can't make up his mind and doesn't know what he wants but right now I'm so sure it's you.




Sometimes honesty is the worst policy
Happy ever after, happy ever after
Let it go, you never need to know
I'm going to be picking up all of these tiny little pieces
Tiny little pieces of your heart, won't do it anymore




I'm the girl your mother never warned you about. And wasn't that a big mistake? Because you've fallen in love with me so many times that your favourite songs sound like me. And you wish you could let go but that ship sailed a long time ago.

All the pain you tried to hide
Shows through your mascara lines
As they stream down from your eyes
And let them go, let them fly
Holding back won't turn back time
Believe me I've tried

And I'm the boy you wish you could love. Stuck in a cycle that you wish you could break. Because I've fallen in love so many times I've given up on the world. And you want to hold me and say that one day someone will treat me right. But you know it's all a lie.

The recipe for happiness

And I keep thinking "it's ok, it's ok, everything is ok" but I'm worried I'm just lying to myself... How does it become so hard to be ok? I swear I'm so much happier during uni break...

I want to be able to curl up with a blanket and a cup of tea and actually learn things, you know? Not do the bullshit assignments that uni sets that don't teach anything and not read their useless notes about all the tiny details that don't matter because they're not the point. How is it so hard to teach the big picture? I love physics and I love learning but I'm not enjoying my degree and that is really upsetting.

There's a line between holding onto the things you like even through adversity and not being willing to let go of things that are hurting you... And I've never been much good at finding it...

The thing is that I have this perfect recipe for happiness that is all about not expecting too much and smiling a lot and make lists so things don't stress me out and set aside time for doing me related things and ask for help and offer help and stop waiting to be happy or saying it will happen after something and do all these things and they work and I smile and things are good. I just feel like I'm not doing them all very well at the moment or like I somehow need something more

Going through old diaries like going through old thoughts and feeling the nostalgia for things I never liked that much at the time. And imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia because it makes you warm and fuzzy about things that will never warm nor fuzz you. But you always perceive everything else to be perfection and now to be awful but the truth is that maybe everything is going just fine for you now and maybe the future won't hold anything better. But you hold on, because unlike imagining the past, the future hasn't disappointed you yet

Things I wish I had time for:
Listening to music
Walking my dog
Washing my clothes on sunny days
Making food for uni
Watching TV shows I like
Buying things I like
Spending time with people
Seeing my family
Playing with my Sims
Tidying my room
Going to bed early

I wish I had held onto you enough to check if you're ok. To know if you ever could be. I actually feel guilt for all the people I can't help and that suggests a level of responsibility that is beyond what is necessary. And yet here I sit, in between assignments, trying to figure out how, or even if, I can help.

Hi, my name is Ebony, and I stress about things that haven't yet happened to people I haven't yet met

Wondering if I really tried everything I could
Not knowing if I should try a little harder
Oh but I'm scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess
That I'm only holding on by a thin, thin thread.


I feel like a disappointment 75% of the time to 95% of the people I care about.

The future

And I am really excited about the future. I'm happy for autumn to bring its crunching leaves and hot chocolate and blankets, I'm happy to get home to a warm dinner and wake up to a warm shower but I don't want to wake up on cold mornings and I don't want to walk home when it's cold and I hate the cold. Even at 8:30 in the morning my hands are still freezing and I don't like it, I don't like going six months of the year without being warm. I wish it could be summer forever.

And I am really excited about the future. I'm happy to start a new job and be able to devote all my time to something I really care about, I'm happy to start marking work and writing reports and doing all the things I've been looking forward to for years. But I'm worried that I'm going to be terrible at it and I'm worried about having the responsibility of all those little faces staring at me, hoping I have all the answers.

And I am really excited about the future. I'm happy to move out and find my own place and get to make my own decisions and do what I want when I want to without people complaining that I work too hard. But I don't know how I'm going to afford it because house prices just keep climbing and what seemed affordable a few years ago is now so far out of my reach that I don't know if I'll ever be able to afford to leave home.

But I'm excited about the future.

Directions

1. And sometimes it is hard, being the person that falls in love so quickly that everyone else is scared off. Sometimes it's hard to explain to people that what you feel isn't a passing whim and that you can have so much passion and devotion to a person you don't know that well. You were staring into my soul when you told me that I was one such person but I suppose I was staring into yours when I noticed that you are too.

2. How do you do that? How do you start that conversation? There are some things that are so difficult to talk about... How do you say to someone "hey, I knew you very, very well a very long time ago and you knew me too and I want to share this story with you"? Maybe sometimes you have to accept that that's a conversation that will go unspoken.

3. It's so funny, being in fourth year, taking first year classes and they all think I'm so old. Oh, to be a first year again, I wouldn't do it for all the good in the world. I don't know how I've managed to pass all my subjects but so far it has happened and it would truly be torturous to go through some of them again.

4. It feels like a really large chapter of my life will be ending at the end of this year and I am scared and excited to see what the next one holds. Up to this point, I've always had a plan of where I wanted to be, I picked my high school in year two and my uni in year nine and didn't change my mind on either. But when uni ends, I won't have a choice in where I go and that worries me. I want to be successful and I want to be happy but I don't feel like I know how... Is it even in my control?

5. I really do hope that this semester is as easy as I've been telling myself it is because I've taken on a fairly large workload between work and tutoring and an online uni course. However, week one isn't over yet and I've already starting work on two assignments despite being a little sick (but recovering quickly!) so if I keep my productivity at this level, there shouldn't be an issue.

6. I feel like I need to write a list of all the things I want to do and all the things I want to be and achieve so I don't feel like I'm wasting my time. My life feels so long and beautiful but my childhood felt like that too and now it seems a lifetime ago. Where to go from here...

That beautiful moment

I suppose some people like planned moments with beautiful clothes and candles and a fancy dinner and a surprise. But to me, the moment was perfect, with free dinner and outfits that were lacking and no planning. No thought. Other than that it was what you wanted. At that moment. That beautiful moment. And it was the surprise I never saw coming. It was a hug that never ended. And the surprise lasted a good 24 hours before I could get my head around it. But I have. And it is right. Thank you for being right.

This is the way I always wanted it to end up but was too afraid to say because people give you That Look and you say "oh I'm only kidding" and they look relieved and you just want to scream that it's not unreasonable and it's not naive and you're not too young to know what you want and to know who you want to be. Why can't people just accept that this is what I want? Why does this have to be a fantasy reserved for silly little girls who don't know what they're talking about and don't understand the world? Why does everyone else's opinion matter so much that I can't just say what I think? Why?

I want to start making so many plans but I'm so terrifying of scaring you...

Choosing Happy

For so long I thought I had fucked everything up and that I would never get another chance again or that I would never be allowed happiness or deserve happiness or that fixing things depended on other people or that being around the people with good lives would improve my life or make me more deserving of a good life but I don't think that's true anymore. Yeah, I've made some mistakes but they've been the mistakes that led me here. They are things I should have said or things I should have done but I'm ok with not having done them. I thought maybe the problem was me but the truth is I was hanging around people who were willing to hurt me and although I may have chosen to talk to those people, I did not choose to get hurt, and I cannot have expected to see it coming. Yes, things could have been different if I made different choices but I'm ok with being where I am. And I don't let people hurt me anymore. And that is a lot tougher than it sounds, and it means I've pushed away some close friends and even family members for just saying the wrong thing, but I think I've made the right decisions.

For so long I thought it would be impossible to be happy, but now I realise that happiness is in the choices I make every day. And I choose to be happy. Yeah, I'm stressed, but I'm also happy. I'm glad I am where I am now and I'm glad I made the sacrifices that led to this moment. Because I believe that I deserve it. And I believe everyone deserves it. Ans if there are people interfering with your happiness, you have to let them go, even if it's hard, even if it's forever.

#3 Things I Hate About Valentine's Day

1. People feeling the need to brag about relationships. This is particularly heightened by facebook and people posting photos of flowers or even worse their dinner.
2. Single people feeling inadequate. Why is there a day where people determine their self worth based on their relationship status.
3. Flowers and chocolates and teddy bears everywhere. And everything is pink. And the teddy bears and really ugly.
4. People thinking PDA is acceptable. Or worse, they think it is cute. When is actually disturbing and unacceptable.
5. People thinking sex is mandatory. Like I have issues with this 365 days of the year but Valentine's day is so much worse because suddenly it becomes impossible to spend a day together without expectations from each other and society and yuck ewwy.
6. Pressure to buy presents for your significant other. This also applies to birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries. Etc.
7. Suddenly it is socially acceptable to ask people their relationship status. "Do you have a Valentine?" Is a question that should be made illegal due to invasion of privacy.
8. Any rose that is not red is dismissed as your partner being cheap. Not your partner thinking you like the other colours more.
9. A single rose suddenly costs $10, which is normally the cost of a small bouquet. And cards can be like $10+ which is pathetic for what is literally some cardboard and ink.
10. Traffic. Queues everywhere. People going places. People being busy. People blowing you off. People.

#2 Things more important than feminism

As my laptop is currently (still) being a complete and utter piece of shit, today's post comes from my darling phone, Newton.
This is a list of issues that I think are more important and relevant to our society than feminism.

1. Racism. Although much more prevalent in countries like the united states, racism is a major problem in our country. Particularly with all the hype coming up around Australia day and all the people who feel that Australia day is lost, it is evident that many people in this country have a large problem with non-white Australians. Which is ridiculous. Because white Australians were the ones who brutally stole the land in the first place so I don't see what the problem is with learning to share.

2. Classism. Huge inequalities exist between classes, even within Sydney. If you were to compare the money, the schools, the opportunities of students from different areas, you would be amazed at what rich children get that other don't. By the age of 5, a student of high socio economic status will have heard 30 million more words than a child whose parents are on welfare. This creates a gap on reading levels that is virtually impossible to overcome. Before even entering school, these students can be several grades behind.

3. Indigenous disadvantage. In many developed countries, but particularly in Australia, indigenous people suffer huge disadvantage in relation to education, health care and more. Starting with language and cultural barriers, it is very difficult for indigenous children to reach the same stage as white non-indigenous children in regards to education and employment. This is unacceptable.

4. Health care. Although most of Australian health care is heavily subsidised, it is still very expensive for many citizens to have surgery or even take an ambulance to hospital. This means that classism extends to health care, making richer people healthier.

5. Asylum seekers. Even disregarding the small number of asylum seekers being ill treated by our government for choosing to take a boat to our country, asylum seekers allowed into our country are not given the necessary support to set up a life here. Many of these individuals have suffered extreme trauma and require additional health services to those of ordinary Australians. Unfortunately, it is these people that have the least access to resources due to language barriers and financial restraints.

6. Binge drinking. It is the culture of gen y and now gen z to drink for the sole purpose of getting drunk. Excessive alcohol intake is linked to increased violence, as well as increased health issues. This toxic culture of binge drinking places unnecessary strain upon our health care system.

7. Religious attacks. Although this also plays a part in Australian society, it is mainly of concern in the middle east. This is a complicated issue with no simple solution but more effort needs to be made to make peace in this region before it escalates into another world war.

8. Violence. Domestic violence, violence due to alcohol, and even guys just wanting to prove how big and strong they are; this issue take many forms and none of them are pretty. The concept that people want to cause physical harm to other people is very disheartening but stems from a number of causes. Violence is a difficult issue to deal with because it is not really about the larger views of society, nor is it fixable by simply pumping in more money. This issue needs to be looked at more carefully to be dealt with.

9. Child abuse. So this is mainly an issue in developing countries where children are used as slaves, forces to work for most of their live, or forced into combat as soldiers. Often this changes their entire life view and it is very difficult to repair the damage even after they are taken from toxic environments. And let's not even get into child abuse in our own country because that stuff is terrifying and sad.

10. Animal cruelty. Cruelty to animals kept as pets, cruelty to animals forced to breed to make pets, cruelty to farm animals on a day to day basis, cruelty to animals during their killing for human consumption. Humans deciding that they are more important than every other animal on the planet. Humans. Humans are such an issue...

And that is why I am not a feminist, thank you and good night.