So I suppose it has been a while since I blogged. That tends to be what I do. I’ve been meaning to blog for a while now, but I’ve been having Internet issues, plus I always feel guilty for blogging instead of studying considering I have 7 assessments in a 4 week window. But life’s too short to study, right? …or something like that.
So life has been going on as it is so prone to do, and I have found myself in a bit of a black hole of misery, as I am so prone to do. I mean, I still enjoy life, I’m still glad to wake up in the morning, I still like going to school; I just burst into tears at inconvenient times and have half of my teachers thinking I’m depressed, which may or may not be true. I mean, honestly, you know you’ve got problems when you listen to Taylor Swift songs on loop. Although I suppose that can be said for many other artists, too.
So, I uh, yeah, have some issues I suppose. I’m feeling very Holden Caulfield of late. It’s weird and slightly terrifying to think that I am perhaps the happiest person living under my roof.
---
When you make it seem like you value my opinion, I feel like a more credible human being. When you search me out to tell me that you want to talk to me, I feel like my presence is valued. Sometimes I think you’re the closest thing I have to a friend. I am so pathetic :)
---
Sometimes you act like I am a really important part of your life, and sometimes you don’t even care about me. Is it silly to miss you when you stop replying to my messages? Is it pathetic that I am always the initiator of our conversations? Do you actually like talking to me, or are you just too nice to say you don’t; maybe you can just tell that I need you.
---
And speaking of needing people… do you still read this? Do you still know that I need you? That I miss you? That I want you in my life? Or have you also moved on in this big scary world and left me behind? I know we said we can’t be friends yet, but it would be nice to hear from you again.
---
And somehow I can’t imagine being able to survive this without the knowledge that you are for me, you are here in my life, you are here by side, if not always physically, then metaphorically. You are my hug at the end of a long day, you are my cure to the tears, you are the smile that disappears far too often from my face.
------
sorry, Internet is too laggy for pictures. Have a good day.
Wednesday, 8 June 2011
Sunday, 22 May 2011
How Much I Want To Hold You
"Perhaps it is ridiculous to think that you'll never feel further than your nerve endings... but even I know that the best love letters lack form or shape, but are given in glances and gestures; the sad smile across the canopées; the tighter grip on your hand to keep the panic attack at bay."
This is like, the best quote I have ever seen.
Having said that, I will now inundate you with beautiful quotes:
"Take the distance from the depths of the deepest ocean
to the surface of pluto
and multiply by as far as you can count
and you'll still be nowhere near
you'll still have no idea
how much I want to hold you" - Eddplant - Less Than Three
“Weltschmerz. It’s the depression you feel when the world as it is does not line up with the world as you think it should be… Because everyone thinks it should be possible to just keep falling and falling forever, to feel the rush of air on your face as you fall, that air pulling your face into a brilliant goddamned smile. And that should be possible. You should be able to fall forever.” - Will Grayson, Will Grayson
"Because you mention suicide to other people, and they say “you can’t do that.” And you laugh to yourself and think, “oh, yes, I can.” Because here’s the truth that everyone pretends is a lie. If you wanted to, you could quit your job today and pack all your bags and leave town. Or if you wanted to, you could get into a bar fight, get arrested, and then flick off the camera when they are taking your mug shot. Or if you wanted to, you could eat rat poison or put a gun to your mouth. And people always ask, “why?” but some people always ask “why not?,” and that’s when you have a problem, as far as society is concerned. But see, I belong to the later category, and although society is concerned, I am not concerned about society… or anything, as a matter of fact. "
And I fucking miss you, and Justin Bieber stole the song that I can no longer associate with the beautiful memory of the part of you that I hope beyond all else is still mine to keep. And I wish I could say that I still know you because I still want to know you so much, and I search everywhere looking for someone like you and when I get remotely close I get my stupid hopes up again, only to find out that they don't have your impeccable taste in music or flawless selflessness or beauty in viewing the world that falls apart around you.
I wish I could say that I no longer have a need for a person like you in my life, but the truth is that I am so broken, and I am falling apart and I keep clinging on to people that I think I'm close to and they all push me away so hard that it hurts. And you don't push. Or at least, you didn't. And if you're still the person I can cling to without being pushed away, I want you back.
And perhaps, even if you are not, I would still like to know who you are now.
"And for some reason I am typing this out to the universe because I don't have the courage to say anything to the actual person"
This is like, the best quote I have ever seen.
Having said that, I will now inundate you with beautiful quotes:
"Take the distance from the depths of the deepest ocean
to the surface of pluto
and multiply by as far as you can count
and you'll still be nowhere near
you'll still have no idea
how much I want to hold you" - Eddplant - Less Than Three
“Weltschmerz. It’s the depression you feel when the world as it is does not line up with the world as you think it should be… Because everyone thinks it should be possible to just keep falling and falling forever, to feel the rush of air on your face as you fall, that air pulling your face into a brilliant goddamned smile. And that should be possible. You should be able to fall forever.” - Will Grayson, Will Grayson
"Because you mention suicide to other people, and they say “you can’t do that.” And you laugh to yourself and think, “oh, yes, I can.” Because here’s the truth that everyone pretends is a lie. If you wanted to, you could quit your job today and pack all your bags and leave town. Or if you wanted to, you could get into a bar fight, get arrested, and then flick off the camera when they are taking your mug shot. Or if you wanted to, you could eat rat poison or put a gun to your mouth. And people always ask, “why?” but some people always ask “why not?,” and that’s when you have a problem, as far as society is concerned. But see, I belong to the later category, and although society is concerned, I am not concerned about society… or anything, as a matter of fact. "
And I fucking miss you, and Justin Bieber stole the song that I can no longer associate with the beautiful memory of the part of you that I hope beyond all else is still mine to keep. And I wish I could say that I still know you because I still want to know you so much, and I search everywhere looking for someone like you and when I get remotely close I get my stupid hopes up again, only to find out that they don't have your impeccable taste in music or flawless selflessness or beauty in viewing the world that falls apart around you.
I wish I could say that I no longer have a need for a person like you in my life, but the truth is that I am so broken, and I am falling apart and I keep clinging on to people that I think I'm close to and they all push me away so hard that it hurts. And you don't push. Or at least, you didn't. And if you're still the person I can cling to without being pushed away, I want you back.
And perhaps, even if you are not, I would still like to know who you are now.
"And for some reason I am typing this out to the universe because I don't have the courage to say anything to the actual person"
Monday, 9 May 2011
Under my skin
You are right, and I know you are right as I walk away and your voice fades from my mind like a distant memory as I shush you with my constantly nodding head.
I don't know what this 'spirit' is you all speak of but I am coming to believe that I have perhaps lost it.
I don't even notice that I'm sad anymore. What do I have to be sad about now?
This is not a circumstance, this is how it is.
This is how it will always be.
---
If you worry about how you look when you smile, you are doing it wrong.
---
We're all doing it wrong.
I have realised recently that when I look at photos, I can't tell if people are beautiful, or just happy.
Clearly, as an overanalyser, I believe that this says something about me on a deeper level. But that could all be bullshit.
---
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better.
And any time you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
---
I feel so alone sometimes.
I want to just talk to someone, but there's no one there sometimes.
I feel like there's someone missing.
I don't even remember who it is.
I don't even remember who I am.
If you would come back, I might remember.
---
I heard a song today that reminded me of you. And I cried.
---
So I guess I just still haven't found what I'm looking for...
I'll keep you posted.
I don't know what this 'spirit' is you all speak of but I am coming to believe that I have perhaps lost it.
I don't even notice that I'm sad anymore. What do I have to be sad about now?
This is not a circumstance, this is how it is.
This is how it will always be.
---
If you worry about how you look when you smile, you are doing it wrong.
---
We're all doing it wrong.
I have realised recently that when I look at photos, I can't tell if people are beautiful, or just happy.
Clearly, as an overanalyser, I believe that this says something about me on a deeper level. But that could all be bullshit.
---
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better.
And any time you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
---
I feel so alone sometimes.
I want to just talk to someone, but there's no one there sometimes.
I feel like there's someone missing.
I don't even remember who it is.
I don't even remember who I am.
---
I heard a song today that reminded me of you. And I cried.
---
So I guess I just still haven't found what I'm looking for...
I'll keep you posted.
Sunday, 1 May 2011
Intelligent Life
If we pretend that everything is ok for long enough, maybe eventually everything will be ok.
Oh hang on, I see a slight flaw in that logic.
Oh well, no one will notice.
So I'm pretending that everything is ok; we both are.
We're pretending that it's possible for us to live together, simply because you want me to need you and I don't want to disappoint you.
We're pretending that everything is going to stay ok, and that you're not at all tempted to throw me out of your house.
We're pretending that we care about what each other want.
We're pretending that we're not both terribly selfish people.
"Let's pretend everything's fine
Put on our fake smiles and keep wasting our time
Let's pretend we're fine
Go out in style and come home in denial"
I feel like talking to you is my way to escape everything
I can just sit and talk to you and tell you everything
And sure, sometimes I feel a little stupid, and I feel like the stuff I'm telling you is petty
But you tell me that it's ok that it's a big deal
You tell me that it's ok to be selfish
That I should care about what happens to me in my life
That I deserve good things
And sometimes, I even believe you
"Here I go again
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
Coz I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams"
You tell me that I am selfish, and have all the good things I deserve
You say that I am a bad person, that you are better
You tell me that I complain about something insignificant
That I am making too big a deal of things
You see my pain as petty
And it is
But so is crying over boys
At least you have a home to go to at the end of the day
"There are times when all the world's asleep,
the questions run too deep
for such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am."
In the deepest, most distant part of my mind, I think I can almost recall a sort of happiness, but I'm not sure if it's a memory or a fantasy
Have I been happy?
Or do I just wish I was?
I still look up every time the door opens and expect to see you walking through
Remember when you used to whistle?
Fuck I miss that
The only reason I didn't go and talk to is because everytime I talk to you I feel like I should kiss you. And I don't have time to feel like that anymore.
Life tip: If you say everything with a smile, no one realises that you feel like crying ;)
Oh hang on, I see a slight flaw in that logic.
Oh well, no one will notice.
So I'm pretending that everything is ok; we both are.
We're pretending that it's possible for us to live together, simply because you want me to need you and I don't want to disappoint you.
We're pretending that everything is going to stay ok, and that you're not at all tempted to throw me out of your house.
We're pretending that we care about what each other want.
We're pretending that we're not both terribly selfish people.
"Let's pretend everything's fine
Put on our fake smiles and keep wasting our time
Let's pretend we're fine
Go out in style and come home in denial"
I feel like talking to you is my way to escape everything
I can just sit and talk to you and tell you everything
And sure, sometimes I feel a little stupid, and I feel like the stuff I'm telling you is petty
But you tell me that it's ok that it's a big deal
You tell me that it's ok to be selfish
That I should care about what happens to me in my life
That I deserve good things
And sometimes, I even believe you
"Here I go again
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
Coz I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams"
You tell me that I am selfish, and have all the good things I deserve
You say that I am a bad person, that you are better
You tell me that I complain about something insignificant
That I am making too big a deal of things
You see my pain as petty
And it is
But so is crying over boys
"There are times when all the world's asleep,
the questions run too deep
for such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am."
In the deepest, most distant part of my mind, I think I can almost recall a sort of happiness, but I'm not sure if it's a memory or a fantasy
Have I been happy?
Or do I just wish I was?
I still look up every time the door opens and expect to see you walking through
Remember when you used to whistle?
Fuck I miss that
The only reason I didn't go and talk to is because everytime I talk to you I feel like I should kiss you. And I don't have time to feel like that anymore.
Life tip: If you say everything with a smile, no one realises that you feel like crying ;)
Tuesday, 19 April 2011
Monsters
I haven't blogged in forever because I'm scared of the little monsters in my head that I always tend to release when I write blogs (yes Ebony, those monsters are honesty).
And he said this was my ranting space, and I said this is the space I get to be me, and maybe it's a mix of the two. Because I like feeling... things. And to rant is to feel things as much as one possibly can and this is where I can be me and I can be a little closer to ok.
Because, at this very moment in time, I am so many lightyears away from ok.
Because my mum is not talking to me me, and my sister is sleeping because she's sick.
And I miss my dad so much.
He could fix everything.
He could fix me.
I didn't lie in bed and cry myself to sleep when I said goodnight to him.
...I got to say goodnight to him.
Fuck I miss that.
I miss falling asleep on his lap watching Friday Night Football because 10pm was late for me but I couldn't tear myself away from the comfort of his hugs.
I feel like all I do in life is disappoint people and let people down and completely fail at everything. I do not know if it is possible to fail at the act of life, but if it is, I think I have failed. Having said that, I think the test is too hard because I haven't learnt this stuff yet, and no one told me it would be in the test. I didn't know it would be like this. I didn't know that I didn't have an option. It's so hard not to feel alone sometimes.
I do know that you love me and that you think I'm special and that you will always be here for me when I need and that means so much to me. But sometimes when I see you with her and I see the smile I can't bring to your face so easily anymore, something inside of me hurts, and I want her to go away. I want everything to go back to normal.
I'm sorry I can't be happy that you're happy.
I'm sorry I'm insecure and imperfect.
I'm working on it.
And he said this was my ranting space, and I said this is the space I get to be me, and maybe it's a mix of the two. Because I like feeling... things. And to rant is to feel things as much as one possibly can and this is where I can be me and I can be a little closer to ok.
Because, at this very moment in time, I am so many lightyears away from ok.
Because my mum is not talking to me me, and my sister is sleeping because she's sick.
And I miss my dad so much.
He could fix everything.
He could fix me.
I didn't lie in bed and cry myself to sleep when I said goodnight to him.
...I got to say goodnight to him.
Fuck I miss that.
I miss falling asleep on his lap watching Friday Night Football because 10pm was late for me but I couldn't tear myself away from the comfort of his hugs.
I feel like all I do in life is disappoint people and let people down and completely fail at everything. I do not know if it is possible to fail at the act of life, but if it is, I think I have failed. Having said that, I think the test is too hard because I haven't learnt this stuff yet, and no one told me it would be in the test. I didn't know it would be like this. I didn't know that I didn't have an option. It's so hard not to feel alone sometimes.
I do know that you love me and that you think I'm special and that you will always be here for me when I need and that means so much to me. But sometimes when I see you with her and I see the smile I can't bring to your face so easily anymore, something inside of me hurts, and I want her to go away. I want everything to go back to normal.
I'm sorry I can't be happy that you're happy.
I'm sorry I'm insecure and imperfect.
I'm working on it.
Friday, 15 April 2011
Thursday, 24 March 2011
Just one look
Half yearlys start tomorrow, so clearly the logical thing for me to be doing right now is blogging. But, I am actually quite good at having things done on time, we leaves me way too much time to procrastinate later. I'm always overly prepared for exams and end up spending the whole week reading or playing Sims or something. I'm going to try and avoid that this year.
I'm sort of excited for exams, I like seeing how much I know, but at the same time I'm scared that I'm actually a lot stupider than I realise and I'm going to do crap at everything.
Oh well, life goes on, right?
One of these days
Gonna tell him I dream of him every night
One of these days
Gonna show him I care, gonna teach him a lesson alright
Funny how quick the milk turns sour, isn't it, isn't it ?
Your face has been looking like that for hours, hasn't it, hasn'tit?
Promises, promises turn to dust
Wedding bells just turn to rust
Trust into mis-trust
"And if you knew just how I felt, you could kill me, with just one look."
And that scares me more than anything else in the world.
I'm sort of excited for exams, I like seeing how much I know, but at the same time I'm scared that I'm actually a lot stupider than I realise and I'm going to do crap at everything.
Oh well, life goes on, right?
One of these days
Gonna tell him I dream of him every night
One of these days
Gonna show him I care, gonna teach him a lesson alright
Funny how quick the milk turns sour, isn't it, isn't it ?
Your face has been looking like that for hours, hasn't it, hasn'tit?
Promises, promises turn to dust
Wedding bells just turn to rust
Trust into mis-trust
"And if you knew just how I felt, you could kill me, with just one look."
And that scares me more than anything else in the world.
Thursday, 17 March 2011
Cynic
Sort of can't figure out what I'm living for. In the worst sort of way.
I know that I have been through crap in the past. The world is not ending. I am okay. But I feel uncontrollable sadness.
I want so much to be friends with my mum.
And when I say friends, I mean it.
I don't think, I actually need her as a maternal figure.
I don't think I need that.
She cries and tells me that I don't need her anymore.
And I feel guilty and I cry and I hug her and I tell her that of course I need her.
But I question it; I question myself, I question her
Perhaps, I don't need her as such.
Perhaps, I could live without her?
And she goes on all the time about how I should spend time with her because she's my family but I don't even have a fucking family anymore
And then Nikki lies on my bed as she so often does at night,
And she cries in a way I was not sure she was capable of.
Because, she has so much sadness in her.
And I have so little.
And she needs me so much.
And she doesn't think I need her as much.
So I feel like I don't need anyone.
But I feel so lonely sometimes.
I feel like there's someone missing in my life.
And I want them back. =S
I'm starting to think that maybe it's me
So, yeah, moving on to more procrastination... I wrote a short story today that I actually like (I've written 6 or 7 by now and they all suck, so me liking it is quite an achievement)
If you can bothered reading about a cynical girl and a homeless boy, this is their story:
Ellis was annoyed, tired and stressed as she began her journey home from the train station, equipped with her heavy bag and oversized blazer that her Nazi school made her wear. She walked down the side of the car park and glanced at the rows of cars that had as little variation in colour as their owners did in personality. She snorted as she saw identical businessmen race to their cars as if getting home thirty seconds earlier would save their lives. Perhaps she was a cynic, for she saw little beauty in the world or its occupants and had no desire to change this view.
As she scanned across the cars, something caught her eye that was out of the ordinary. A young boy, around her age, was scrubbing his feet with a bar of soap and the tap against the car park wall. As she stared at him, he looked up and caught her eye for a glimpse of a second before she quickly averted her gaze and pretended to be looking at the trees. She turned down the narrow path that took her home and sighed with the impatience of a teenager who was not yet old enough to drive. “Excuse me” she heard and the barefoot boy ran in front of her, carrying his soap bar and scrubbing brush in a small plastic bag. As soon as he was a few paces ahead of, he slowed to her speed, “sorry” he added, as if running around her had inconvenienced her in some way. “Well, not really” he grumbled as he quickened his pace.
Ellis saw ahead a small tent with a blanket poking out that had never been there before, and considered the possibility that this was his destination. “You don’t have to be,” she called from behind him, “sorry, I mean”. He turned around and smiled at her,
“Society dictates that I must” he replied with unusual sophistication for someone who had washed their feet at a train station car park, and continued walking towards the tent.
“Yeah, well, I never listen much to what society dictates” she muttered as the curious boy took a quick step into the tent, and returned without his soap or brush.
“I’m Ellis” she said and held out her hand which he took in his.
“As in, L-S?” he asked grinning.
“Something like that”, she smiled.
“I’m Jay” he released her hand and she felt something that vaguely resembled disappointment.
“As in, J?” she asked, mimicking his previous grin
“As in, it was all my ma got out before she died” his smile did not fade, and Ellis wondered if his lack of concern for his mother’s death was genuine or just a pretence, “It could’ve been Jason, or Jayden, or Jamie; but all she managed was ‘Jay’, so here I stand”
“So I guess I’m beating you by a whole letter” she joked
“And, judging by that blazer, about 3000 classes of society” he added, raising his eyebrows
“I thought I’d already mentioned how little I cared for society” and she sat down next to the tent and gestured for him to join her
It was remarkable, thought Ellis, that she could spend all day with people she’d known for her entire life, and yet not feel connected to them in the same way that she did here with this perfect stranger. Remarkable, too, that his life interested her more than any class at school. At school, she learnt about all the different people in the world, but never thought about who they were, what their stories were
“Do you have a home?” she asked, a little more seriously.
“Of course I do,” Jay grinned again “it’s right here” and he placed his hand against his heart, “we’ve all got some sort of home, don’t we?”
“I suppose” she replied, wondering whether the four walls that surrounded her for most of her life could be considered a ‘home’.
The pair sat on the grass outside the tent for many hours, talking about the world and how horribly depressing the both found it. Ellis noticed a sparkle in Jay’s soft blue eyes as he spoke, that she’d never seen in anyone else. She wondered, only for a moment, what her mum would think of her sitting near a car park talking to a homeless boy, and the thought brought a mischievous smile to her face. Eventually, the sun began to set and she decided to make her way home to put a dent in the piles of homework she’d been given that day.
As she walked up her garden path for the seventy-fourth time that year, she noticed what she had never before seen. The four walls that she had been thinking of mere hours ago as not resembling a home, now appealed to her in new light. She had a home, which was more than she could say for Jay. She had a family too, and as annoying and selfish and heartless they could be, they were alive and they loved her. Her keys made a familiar jingle as they turned in the lock and she stepped inside with the realisation that, for the first time in a long time, she was home.
I know that I have been through crap in the past. The world is not ending. I am okay. But I feel uncontrollable sadness.
I want so much to be friends with my mum.
And when I say friends, I mean it.
I don't think, I actually need her as a maternal figure.
I don't think I need that.
She cries and tells me that I don't need her anymore.
And I feel guilty and I cry and I hug her and I tell her that of course I need her.
But I question it; I question myself, I question her
Perhaps, I don't need her as such.
Perhaps, I could live without her?
And then Nikki lies on my bed as she so often does at night,
And she cries in a way I was not sure she was capable of.
Because, she has so much sadness in her.
And I have so little.
And she needs me so much.
And she doesn't think I need her as much.
So I feel like I don't need anyone.
But I feel so lonely sometimes.
I feel like there's someone missing in my life.
And I want them back. =S
So, yeah, moving on to more procrastination... I wrote a short story today that I actually like (I've written 6 or 7 by now and they all suck, so me liking it is quite an achievement)
If you can bothered reading about a cynical girl and a homeless boy, this is their story:
Ellis was annoyed, tired and stressed as she began her journey home from the train station, equipped with her heavy bag and oversized blazer that her Nazi school made her wear. She walked down the side of the car park and glanced at the rows of cars that had as little variation in colour as their owners did in personality. She snorted as she saw identical businessmen race to their cars as if getting home thirty seconds earlier would save their lives. Perhaps she was a cynic, for she saw little beauty in the world or its occupants and had no desire to change this view.
As she scanned across the cars, something caught her eye that was out of the ordinary. A young boy, around her age, was scrubbing his feet with a bar of soap and the tap against the car park wall. As she stared at him, he looked up and caught her eye for a glimpse of a second before she quickly averted her gaze and pretended to be looking at the trees. She turned down the narrow path that took her home and sighed with the impatience of a teenager who was not yet old enough to drive. “Excuse me” she heard and the barefoot boy ran in front of her, carrying his soap bar and scrubbing brush in a small plastic bag. As soon as he was a few paces ahead of, he slowed to her speed, “sorry” he added, as if running around her had inconvenienced her in some way. “Well, not really” he grumbled as he quickened his pace.
Ellis saw ahead a small tent with a blanket poking out that had never been there before, and considered the possibility that this was his destination. “You don’t have to be,” she called from behind him, “sorry, I mean”. He turned around and smiled at her,
“Society dictates that I must” he replied with unusual sophistication for someone who had washed their feet at a train station car park, and continued walking towards the tent.
“Yeah, well, I never listen much to what society dictates” she muttered as the curious boy took a quick step into the tent, and returned without his soap or brush.
“I’m Ellis” she said and held out her hand which he took in his.
“As in, L-S?” he asked grinning.
“Something like that”, she smiled.
“I’m Jay” he released her hand and she felt something that vaguely resembled disappointment.
“As in, J?” she asked, mimicking his previous grin
“As in, it was all my ma got out before she died” his smile did not fade, and Ellis wondered if his lack of concern for his mother’s death was genuine or just a pretence, “It could’ve been Jason, or Jayden, or Jamie; but all she managed was ‘Jay’, so here I stand”
“So I guess I’m beating you by a whole letter” she joked
“And, judging by that blazer, about 3000 classes of society” he added, raising his eyebrows
“I thought I’d already mentioned how little I cared for society” and she sat down next to the tent and gestured for him to join her
It was remarkable, thought Ellis, that she could spend all day with people she’d known for her entire life, and yet not feel connected to them in the same way that she did here with this perfect stranger. Remarkable, too, that his life interested her more than any class at school. At school, she learnt about all the different people in the world, but never thought about who they were, what their stories were
“Do you have a home?” she asked, a little more seriously.
“Of course I do,” Jay grinned again “it’s right here” and he placed his hand against his heart, “we’ve all got some sort of home, don’t we?”
“I suppose” she replied, wondering whether the four walls that surrounded her for most of her life could be considered a ‘home’.
The pair sat on the grass outside the tent for many hours, talking about the world and how horribly depressing the both found it. Ellis noticed a sparkle in Jay’s soft blue eyes as he spoke, that she’d never seen in anyone else. She wondered, only for a moment, what her mum would think of her sitting near a car park talking to a homeless boy, and the thought brought a mischievous smile to her face. Eventually, the sun began to set and she decided to make her way home to put a dent in the piles of homework she’d been given that day.
As she walked up her garden path for the seventy-fourth time that year, she noticed what she had never before seen. The four walls that she had been thinking of mere hours ago as not resembling a home, now appealed to her in new light. She had a home, which was more than she could say for Jay. She had a family too, and as annoying and selfish and heartless they could be, they were alive and they loved her. Her keys made a familiar jingle as they turned in the lock and she stepped inside with the realisation that, for the first time in a long time, she was home.
Thursday, 10 March 2011
The others
Yeha, yeah, blah, blah, I ignore my blog because I'm in year 12, half yearlys in 2 weeks, etc etc. Ok, let's move on now. =)
(Yeah, moving on doesn't mean I have any more time, and no I'm not writing anything, but oh look, pretty pictures! What a nice distraction!)
Be good <3
(Yeah, moving on doesn't mean I have any more time, and no I'm not writing anything, but oh look, pretty pictures! What a nice distraction!)
Be good <3
Wednesday, 2 March 2011
Giggly and stupid
Ok, seriously people, if you don't want to read my blog, DON'T READ IT. Don't read it and then whinge to me that I talk about sex too much (one time, seriously, one time!)
At least three people have mentioned to me recently that they read my blog for the first time in forever recently, and then preceded to complain about it.
Go away. I do not want you here.
That is all.
(Pay no attention to my squirtiness as this post goes on)
I don't know if I want other people to be happy. I don't know if I want to be a nice person. I don't know why I should stop being selfish. Because, why shouldn't I be happy? And bad shit happens to good people so often, that it's hardly worth being good.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do, or who I'm supposed to be. I just want to be happy, you know?
You are so incredibly beautiful and I wish I could tell you that often enough that you would start to believe me. I wish you could see what I see when I look at you. I wish I could see what you see when you look at me.
I think we're good for each other (and so does my mum?) because I think we can make each other see that.
I feel like a burden on everyone in my life because all I want to do is talk about you, and I'm sure that's the most annoying thing in the world. But I am me when I'm with you. And when I don't remember who I am, I think of you. I'm sorry if I talk about you too much, it's just that, I love you.
You give me the giggly, stupid smile that Nikki says makes me look like I'm soft centered. Holding your hand makes me happy in an over-the-top way. I start missing you before you even leave. Sometimes I sit on Nikki's bed and start smiling and she knows straight away that I'm thinking of you. But I'm always thinking of you. You have taken permanent residence in my mind and I don't want you to leave. I don't want to give up this feeling. Ever.
Goodbye sunshines.
At least three people have mentioned to me recently that they read my blog for the first time in forever recently, and then preceded to complain about it.
Go away. I do not want you here.
That is all.
(Pay no attention to my squirtiness as this post goes on)
I don't know if I want other people to be happy. I don't know if I want to be a nice person. I don't know why I should stop being selfish. Because, why shouldn't I be happy? And bad shit happens to good people so often, that it's hardly worth being good.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do, or who I'm supposed to be. I just want to be happy, you know?
You are so incredibly beautiful and I wish I could tell you that often enough that you would start to believe me. I wish you could see what I see when I look at you. I wish I could see what you see when you look at me.
I think we're good for each other (and so does my mum?) because I think we can make each other see that.
I feel like a burden on everyone in my life because all I want to do is talk about you, and I'm sure that's the most annoying thing in the world. But I am me when I'm with you. And when I don't remember who I am, I think of you. I'm sorry if I talk about you too much, it's just that, I love you.
You give me the giggly, stupid smile that Nikki says makes me look like I'm soft centered. Holding your hand makes me happy in an over-the-top way. I start missing you before you even leave. Sometimes I sit on Nikki's bed and start smiling and she knows straight away that I'm thinking of you. But I'm always thinking of you. You have taken permanent residence in my mind and I don't want you to leave. I don't want to give up this feeling. Ever.
Goodbye sunshines.
Wednesday, 23 February 2011
Granted
Ok, so it has been sort of a while since I last blogged, because, well, I'm not sure if you remember, but I have this little quiz at the end of the year that I have to study for every now and then. So yeah, the lack of bloggage (and well, let's face it, friends) has meant that I have been doing relatively well in school of late. Also, I'm becoming best friends with like, all of my teachers, in an almost creepy way (I'm apparently on a first name basis with Ms Schultz?)
And what with my life experiences and never actually fitting in with anyone, least of all my family, I have been able to write an almost kick ass short story about belonging, which is, well, yeah, pretty kick ass. It's weird that everytime I tell my life story, there's always one thing that I have to mention; one person I think about an awful lot. I don't think I'm supposed to think about you this much, I doubt you consider me such a large part of your life, but you made me who I am, you see, and you are the main part of my life story.
"If someone told me I could have it all back
No more writing or reflecting or thinking on what could be
I’d tell that person they don’t know me at all
Cos you made me who I am and they don’t get how much you mean to me" - Alex Day
I feel like listening to music and just being happy right now. Because, sometimes, life is just beautiful, and it's important to remember that. "You notice someone cutting you off in traffic. But not that the earth is still here for one more day."
Miraculously, the Earth is still here, and I am still here, and you are still here. And we are still here. Together.
Sunday, 13 February 2011
Never mind
My mum makes up rules that stop me from being happy and then expects me to follow them. Which I find, to some extent, to be hilarious. So I blatantly ignore them. And then she starts crying and saying that she's never trusted me, and she was just starting to, and now she can't.
Which is bullshit. Because she will never trust me.
And I hate lying to her, and I try to make it obvious, I think, because I want her to find out. But then she takes my phone away and makes my life hell, so maybe I should've just not told her.
Why is telling the truth always the wrong option?
Friday, 11 February 2011
Alwrong
Because physics is hard and life is hard and I can't always deal with all of it. Because smiling is hard and reading is sad. Because getting drunk washes away problems. Because I don't like me. Because you made me like me and then you stopped liking parts of me. Because you laugh at me when I stuff up. Because I stuff up too much. Because bad people judge good people like hypocrites. Because you are a terrible person and I am not so bad but you flaw me for being human. Because you all make me ashamed to be human, and maybe that's my problem after all. Because I like being human and I like being flawed and I like my mistakes. Because without mistakes I can't grow and I have to grow. Because I'm not you, I'm me. And I'm a sad me.
The truth is that girls think about sex just as much as guys. And they want it just as much as guys. But they're too afraid to say or do anything about it because they're too scared of what other people will think of them and what they will think of themselves and that they will not like it or will regret it or will be labelled. But that doesn't mean they don't want it.
Either that or it's just me. (And Amy when she's tired ;p)
Am I alright? Is anyone ever alright? I mean, all is never right. Sometimes some is right, but never all. I wish people would stop asking me if I'm alright. You're half the fucking problem. Life is sad, and lonely, and no one gets out alive anyway.
Not everyone has a happy ending, but I hope you do.
The truth is that girls think about sex just as much as guys. And they want it just as much as guys. But they're too afraid to say or do anything about it because they're too scared of what other people will think of them and what they will think of themselves and that they will not like it or will regret it or will be labelled. But that doesn't mean they don't want it.
Either that or it's just me. (And Amy when she's tired ;p)
Am I alright? Is anyone ever alright? I mean, all is never right. Sometimes some is right, but never all. I wish people would stop asking me if I'm alright.
Not everyone has a happy ending, but I hope you do.
Sunday, 6 February 2011
Letting people near
I don't have all the answers, and I'm sorry for that. I try to think of ways to make everything work, but something always has to give. I don't even think it's prioritising, it's just realising that not everything is going to happen perfectly, and that sometimes I have to make sacrifices. Why is there never enough time?
I feel like I need to talk to someone, but whoever I talk to is going to think that something is wrong, and that's not true, there's nothing wrong, in fact lots of things have been very right lately. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to feel sad, you know? It doesn't mean I'm never going to lie in bed at night crying my heart out. That's just who I am, I think, I feel things differently to other people. I get sad a lot, and that's ok, because I get happy a lot too.
I can't believe that I will never be trustworthy in the eyes of my mother due to something that happened over three years ago. She still thinks that I lied to her, and that that means that I will lie to her again. I have several issues with this. Mainly the fact that I never lied to her about anything, and that the reason we had an issue in the first place is because I chose to tell her the truth. The problem that resulted from this has made me never want to tell the truth about anything again. A second issue I have with this is that because she never trusts me, I have to lie to her about things. And I am not okay with that. Because I am a very honest person. I will generally tell people everything they want to hear. I don't like secrets; they make things too complicated. But I don't have a choice.
I hate doing things wrong. I despise human ignorance, and when I am ignorant, I hate myself. Unfortunately, being human means that I make mistakes, and that I stuff things up and that I am ignorant. This makes me unnecessarily sad. People don't make me sad, I make me sad. (Ok, occassionally mum makes me sad.)
I get so sad when I hear you're sad. I was just thinking today how happy I was with everything. I know you have your insecurities, I do too, but you're ruining the peacefulness that I felt. I wish you could see what I see. I'm so sorry.
Thursday, 27 January 2011
Sunshine lollipop
I'm sorry that it took me forever to tell you. You see, I was waiting for a perfect moment, because I'm still naive enough to believe that perfection exists. And then I was sitting there, looking at you, and I felt like you had to know right then. And there were so many times when I nearly said it accidentally and then I stopped, but I thought, hey, I may as well just say it. So I did. It didn't even feel real for second, I think because of all the times I nearly said it and didn't, but then you didn't hear me anyway, so I felt kind of silly. But then I said it again, and you heard me, and you smiled, and that was nice, and you laid down next to me and you said it back and that was lovely. And then there were fireworks and a choir and a freaking symphony, so I guess, maybe, it was as close to a perfect moment as I could get.
I feel so weird, being allowed to be happy. I know that sounds ridiculous because
a. there have been many times where I've told my blog I'm happy,
b. I always smile and
c. everyone is allowed to be happy
but it feels weird in a nice weird way. I've never been able to care about someone without something holding me back and now that nothing is, I feel free.
Wednesday, 26 January 2011
Ebony's holiday
Ok, so this is a completely optional blog post (as opposed to the others, which I make you read) because it is basically just an account of my holiday, and it’s here for me, not you. Because my blog has rendered my previous journal redundant, and this is the kind of thing I used to put in a journal. (This is my way of saying that unless you particularly like stalking me, this will be insanely boring, so leave. Now.)
Day One
Ok, so today we made the voyage down to Merry Beach, which I have to say, is in the middle of nowhere (I mean seriously, it’s a 10 minute drive to phone reception, but more about that later). For the first year ever, my sister, my mum and I all shared the driving, and we played musical chairs around the car. Because mum had to be the passenger when I drove, Nikki said she got it when mum was driving, so I decided that I got it whilst Nikki was driving, and we could basically all move around the car, and put on/take off L/P plates as we went, and changing drivers took only a matter of seconds.
So I drove from home to Albion Park, which took a total of one hour and thirty five minutes, and involved annoying a number of other drivers who wanted to overtake me but couldn’t because there was no overtaking lane for most of the trip. Such is life. Then we stopped at Maccas for lunch and made ourselves feel gross for eating food that contained more oil and sugar than actual substance. Nikki also bought some magnetic Ps (because she moved the ones from mum’s car to her car and forgot to take them back for the trip) and we filled up with petrol. Then mum drove to Ulladulla, and then Nikki drove to Merry Beach
When we got here, the first thing I realised is that we have no phone reception. I mean, I’d been steadily monitoring it since we left Ulladulla, and it had cut out a few times, and then suddenly it just died, which was a little inconvenient. So after walking around the whole house for 10 minutes looking for reception, I gave up, and decided to unpack.
The house we have is pretty cool, downstairs it has three bedrooms, two bathrooms and a laundry that has to be accessed through the bathroom, so I’m expecting that to be a little awkward turtle. Upstairs is the kitchen, dining and living area, with a huge balcony that, if you squint enough, you can see the beach from. there are 32 chairs here, so we can invite over 29 friends if we suddenly feel like socialising, which is improbable, but it’s nice to have the opportunity.
After unpacking, we went to the beach, then visited friends we’re staying here with, and then went back to the beach. I built three sandcastles and they all had tunnels joining them to each other. It was also able to deal with pretty big waves hitting it, due to the trenches and stuff I built in front of it. However, by the time I’d walked down the beach and back (voluntary exercise? ew), the tunnels had collapsed.
Mum agreed to take me to the land of reception every day that we’re here, because seriously, I have survived a week without seeing my boyfriend who planned a very inconvenient holiday, but a week without talking to him is something I am probably incapable of doing. So we drove down the highway to the first place I had reception, and I got to talk to him whilst sitting on the side of the road for 16 minutes. =)
After I got back in the car, I was informed that I would be cooking dinner, although Nikki and mum hadn’t figured out what it would be yet. We originally thought of spaghetti, but we forgot to bring pasta with us, then we thought of bacon and eggs, but we left we the eggs in the fridge because we didn’t put them on the right list, then we thought of stir fry, but I am completely incapable of using an electric stove top because I tend to burn things, and then Nikki said she wasn’t hungry either, so we decided on two minute noodles.
Of all the food options we had considered, I’m sure two minute noodles was the easiest to make, but I still somehow managed to stuff it up, not only by having noodles go everywhere, but also because I lost one of the favour sachets, which eventually turned up in the microwave, which I’m guessing wasn’t the best place for it. But whatever, we ate, and talked a lot, and then mum decided to go to bed, and Nikki sprayed fly spray all over her room and had to evacuate for half an hour, and all in all, it was a good night.
(I’m guessing this much stuff won’t happen again tomorrow, but if it does, I apologise for making you read what I think may turn out to be a long and tiresome blog post [on second thoughts, I remember saying that I wasn’t going to make you read this one, it was optional, so really, you only have yourself to blame])
Day Two
Upn waking up, we realised that the weather outside was completely miserable, so we drove to Ulladulla to steal Wifi from Maccas so Nikki could enrol in her uni course online. Nikki and mum both had reception in Ulladulla, but I didn’t because my new phone doesn’t like me (or some other, more logical reason). Mum had her lights on as we were driving over because it was a little foggy, and, because she forgot to turn them off, the car battery was flat when we tried to leave. So Nikki and I walked across the road to a car repair shop and asked if they had a battery pack to jump start it, and they did, and came over and did it for us.
After that, we figured we should take the car for a little drive to charge the batteries, so we just wandered around aimlessly until we stumbled upon a lolly shop, that we simply had to visit. after that, we went to coles, where we saw someone that looked like a cross between John Green and a guy at work, and then came back to the house where I played Bejewelled for about an hour. Then I decided it was probably time to do some homework so I started reading As You Like It.
After reading that for a while, nikki and I went over to the beach for a while, and then came home so I could cook dinner (and because the water was still freezing). We sat around talking for a bit, and then went to bed.
Day Three
I woke up at 9, but Nikki and mum didn’t get up until midday, so I was playing Bejewelled and reading Snow Falling on the Cedars. After they got up, we had bacon and eggs, and then went for a walk to reception land, which found at the top of a hill. I managed to send about 5 texts before we came down the hill again. When we got home, Nikki and I went to the beach again, but it was even colder, and there were blue bottles everywhere, so after walking along the beach for a bit, we came back home and watched tv with mum until she decided to cook dinner, and I went back to reading As You Like It. After being distracted by NCIS:LA I gave up on doing homework, although I assure you I’d made some great progress. So I watched tv for a few hours, and eventually went to bed. As I get less and less inspired on this holiday, my posts are going to get shorter and shorter. This will be no great loss.
Day Four
Today was promised to be a nicer day than the last two, and I even had a dream that it was a beautiful day, however, when I woke up, this was not the case. I had a cup of coffee on the balcony with mum, and had a shower, before she decided to make pancakes for breakfast. After that I played Bejewelled on Nikki and mum’s laptops whilst they both showered. Then we went to the shops to buy a few things. When we got back, I played Bejewelled a bit more (by this stage, I didn’t suck anymore [yeah, it took that long to stop sucking). Nikki and I decided to go for a walk to Reception Hill, where we called dad, and then visited the friends we came with at their campsite
(yes, we are friends with people stupid enough to actually camp). Steph came back to our house, and we ate lunch and did some puzzles in a puzzle book we have that has a very bad dot to dot in it. Eventually she went home and we turned on the tv to watch the news (this is the kind of stuff we only do when we have no foxtel) and then a bunch of other stuff including Oprah, and then we all went to bed
Day Five
I woke up early to go to reception to hill to find out if Paul got into unsw. I walked over to camp so Steph and I could go to the hill together. They ate a bit and then we walked up and I got the good news =) (now he can come see Tim Minchin with me). When we got back it was just another cloudy day, and we were completely over it. Mum said she was feeling pretty sick, so we decided to drvie to Bateman’s Bay to find a doctor and get me some Internet to get the last act of As You Like It, once we’d decided this, the sun came out. But we went anyway, and we bought her some medicine and had lunch and got back at around 5 when Nikki and I decided to hit the beach (which was warmer than it had previously been) and we found an amazing sandcastle and now I really want to find out who built it. We walked to the campsite on our way home, and found that everyone else had been sunburnt or tanned that day and I was very jealous because I am really too white. When we got home no one felt like cooking so we had leftovers for dinner, and watched the news again, and then other stuff on tv. Nikki and mum decided to play on their laptops and I fell asleep on the lounge.
Day Six
I woke up fairly early because there was actually sunlight outside my window for the first time all week. I played on mum’s laptop until she and Nikki woke up, I had a shower and breakfast, and Nikki and I headed to the beach. We took a bucket, and made a very cool sandcastle, then went for a little swim and finally had a very poor attempt at tanning (because we’re both terrified of sunburn and didn’t want to stay out too long). When we got back we walked up to reception hill for about 45 minutes, and then went for a swim with mum in the pool at the caravan park next to us. After that we sat around for a little bit before having dinner and watching the 7pm project (apparently being on holidays has made me give a little more of a shit about the rest of the world). Then I went to my room whilst Nikki and mum watched Ghost Whisperer (it’s scary, ok?) and I played Bejewelled, and wrote some random stuff. Then watched more tv and went to bed
Day Seven
Woke up early again and hit the beach with Nikki. Helped our friends build an enormous sandcastle, tried to tan some more. Friends from Sydney came down to visit us, and we sat around talking to them for a while, then trekked up to reception hill for the last hill. When we got back, we went tanning again, and then went to camp to talk to our friends for the last time on holidays. When we returned home we had dinner, and played Trivial Pursuit (we won =D) and went to bed pretty late.
Day Eight
I’m writing this now, because I was too lazy to write it earlier. Mum and I woke up at 8, had showers and packed the car. Nikki woke up eventually and helped clean up stuff inside. We set off at 10 and stopped via IGA for me to get phone credit, then started the journey home. Nikki drove first, then me, and then we stopped at Kiama to visit my great-aunty which was nice. Mum drove home from there and we listened to 70s music the whole time. It was nice to be home again. =)
Day One
Ok, so today we made the voyage down to Merry Beach, which I have to say, is in the middle of nowhere (I mean seriously, it’s a 10 minute drive to phone reception, but more about that later). For the first year ever, my sister, my mum and I all shared the driving, and we played musical chairs around the car. Because mum had to be the passenger when I drove, Nikki said she got it when mum was driving, so I decided that I got it whilst Nikki was driving, and we could basically all move around the car, and put on/take off L/P plates as we went, and changing drivers took only a matter of seconds.
So I drove from home to Albion Park, which took a total of one hour and thirty five minutes, and involved annoying a number of other drivers who wanted to overtake me but couldn’t because there was no overtaking lane for most of the trip. Such is life. Then we stopped at Maccas for lunch and made ourselves feel gross for eating food that contained more oil and sugar than actual substance. Nikki also bought some magnetic Ps (because she moved the ones from mum’s car to her car and forgot to take them back for the trip) and we filled up with petrol. Then mum drove to Ulladulla, and then Nikki drove to Merry Beach
When we got here, the first thing I realised is that we have no phone reception. I mean, I’d been steadily monitoring it since we left Ulladulla, and it had cut out a few times, and then suddenly it just died, which was a little inconvenient. So after walking around the whole house for 10 minutes looking for reception, I gave up, and decided to unpack.
The house we have is pretty cool, downstairs it has three bedrooms, two bathrooms and a laundry that has to be accessed through the bathroom, so I’m expecting that to be a little awkward turtle. Upstairs is the kitchen, dining and living area, with a huge balcony that, if you squint enough, you can see the beach from. there are 32 chairs here, so we can invite over 29 friends if we suddenly feel like socialising, which is improbable, but it’s nice to have the opportunity.
After unpacking, we went to the beach, then visited friends we’re staying here with, and then went back to the beach. I built three sandcastles and they all had tunnels joining them to each other. It was also able to deal with pretty big waves hitting it, due to the trenches and stuff I built in front of it. However, by the time I’d walked down the beach and back (voluntary exercise? ew), the tunnels had collapsed.
Mum agreed to take me to the land of reception every day that we’re here, because seriously, I have survived a week without seeing my boyfriend who planned a very inconvenient holiday, but a week without talking to him is something I am probably incapable of doing. So we drove down the highway to the first place I had reception, and I got to talk to him whilst sitting on the side of the road for 16 minutes. =)
After I got back in the car, I was informed that I would be cooking dinner, although Nikki and mum hadn’t figured out what it would be yet. We originally thought of spaghetti, but we forgot to bring pasta with us, then we thought of bacon and eggs, but we left we the eggs in the fridge because we didn’t put them on the right list, then we thought of stir fry, but I am completely incapable of using an electric stove top because I tend to burn things, and then Nikki said she wasn’t hungry either, so we decided on two minute noodles.
Of all the food options we had considered, I’m sure two minute noodles was the easiest to make, but I still somehow managed to stuff it up, not only by having noodles go everywhere, but also because I lost one of the favour sachets, which eventually turned up in the microwave, which I’m guessing wasn’t the best place for it. But whatever, we ate, and talked a lot, and then mum decided to go to bed, and Nikki sprayed fly spray all over her room and had to evacuate for half an hour, and all in all, it was a good night.
(I’m guessing this much stuff won’t happen again tomorrow, but if it does, I apologise for making you read what I think may turn out to be a long and tiresome blog post [on second thoughts, I remember saying that I wasn’t going to make you read this one, it was optional, so really, you only have yourself to blame])
Day Two
Upn waking up, we realised that the weather outside was completely miserable, so we drove to Ulladulla to steal Wifi from Maccas so Nikki could enrol in her uni course online. Nikki and mum both had reception in Ulladulla, but I didn’t because my new phone doesn’t like me (or some other, more logical reason). Mum had her lights on as we were driving over because it was a little foggy, and, because she forgot to turn them off, the car battery was flat when we tried to leave. So Nikki and I walked across the road to a car repair shop and asked if they had a battery pack to jump start it, and they did, and came over and did it for us.
After that, we figured we should take the car for a little drive to charge the batteries, so we just wandered around aimlessly until we stumbled upon a lolly shop, that we simply had to visit. after that, we went to coles, where we saw someone that looked like a cross between John Green and a guy at work, and then came back to the house where I played Bejewelled for about an hour. Then I decided it was probably time to do some homework so I started reading As You Like It.
After reading that for a while, nikki and I went over to the beach for a while, and then came home so I could cook dinner (and because the water was still freezing). We sat around talking for a bit, and then went to bed.
Day Three
I woke up at 9, but Nikki and mum didn’t get up until midday, so I was playing Bejewelled and reading Snow Falling on the Cedars. After they got up, we had bacon and eggs, and then went for a walk to reception land, which found at the top of a hill. I managed to send about 5 texts before we came down the hill again. When we got home, Nikki and I went to the beach again, but it was even colder, and there were blue bottles everywhere, so after walking along the beach for a bit, we came back home and watched tv with mum until she decided to cook dinner, and I went back to reading As You Like It. After being distracted by NCIS:LA I gave up on doing homework, although I assure you I’d made some great progress. So I watched tv for a few hours, and eventually went to bed. As I get less and less inspired on this holiday, my posts are going to get shorter and shorter. This will be no great loss.
Day Four
Today was promised to be a nicer day than the last two, and I even had a dream that it was a beautiful day, however, when I woke up, this was not the case. I had a cup of coffee on the balcony with mum, and had a shower, before she decided to make pancakes for breakfast. After that I played Bejewelled on Nikki and mum’s laptops whilst they both showered. Then we went to the shops to buy a few things. When we got back, I played Bejewelled a bit more (by this stage, I didn’t suck anymore [yeah, it took that long to stop sucking). Nikki and I decided to go for a walk to Reception Hill, where we called dad, and then visited the friends we came with at their campsite
(yes, we are friends with people stupid enough to actually camp). Steph came back to our house, and we ate lunch and did some puzzles in a puzzle book we have that has a very bad dot to dot in it. Eventually she went home and we turned on the tv to watch the news (this is the kind of stuff we only do when we have no foxtel) and then a bunch of other stuff including Oprah, and then we all went to bed
Day Five
I woke up early to go to reception to hill to find out if Paul got into unsw. I walked over to camp so Steph and I could go to the hill together. They ate a bit and then we walked up and I got the good news =) (now he can come see Tim Minchin with me). When we got back it was just another cloudy day, and we were completely over it. Mum said she was feeling pretty sick, so we decided to drvie to Bateman’s Bay to find a doctor and get me some Internet to get the last act of As You Like It, once we’d decided this, the sun came out. But we went anyway, and we bought her some medicine and had lunch and got back at around 5 when Nikki and I decided to hit the beach (which was warmer than it had previously been) and we found an amazing sandcastle and now I really want to find out who built it. We walked to the campsite on our way home, and found that everyone else had been sunburnt or tanned that day and I was very jealous because I am really too white. When we got home no one felt like cooking so we had leftovers for dinner, and watched the news again, and then other stuff on tv. Nikki and mum decided to play on their laptops and I fell asleep on the lounge.
Day Six
I woke up fairly early because there was actually sunlight outside my window for the first time all week. I played on mum’s laptop until she and Nikki woke up, I had a shower and breakfast, and Nikki and I headed to the beach. We took a bucket, and made a very cool sandcastle, then went for a little swim and finally had a very poor attempt at tanning (because we’re both terrified of sunburn and didn’t want to stay out too long). When we got back we walked up to reception hill for about 45 minutes, and then went for a swim with mum in the pool at the caravan park next to us. After that we sat around for a little bit before having dinner and watching the 7pm project (apparently being on holidays has made me give a little more of a shit about the rest of the world). Then I went to my room whilst Nikki and mum watched Ghost Whisperer (it’s scary, ok?) and I played Bejewelled, and wrote some random stuff. Then watched more tv and went to bed
Day Seven
Woke up early again and hit the beach with Nikki. Helped our friends build an enormous sandcastle, tried to tan some more. Friends from Sydney came down to visit us, and we sat around talking to them for a while, then trekked up to reception hill for the last hill. When we got back, we went tanning again, and then went to camp to talk to our friends for the last time on holidays. When we returned home we had dinner, and played Trivial Pursuit (we won =D) and went to bed pretty late.
Day Eight
I’m writing this now, because I was too lazy to write it earlier. Mum and I woke up at 8, had showers and packed the car. Nikki woke up eventually and helped clean up stuff inside. We set off at 10 and stopped via IGA for me to get phone credit, then started the journey home. Nikki drove first, then me, and then we stopped at Kiama to visit my great-aunty which was nice. Mum drove home from there and we listened to 70s music the whole time. It was nice to be home again. =)
Sunday, 16 January 2011
I hate me without you
Okay, so today we're heading off for a week long holiday down to Merry Beach which is a cool name because it sounds like even the beach wants me to be happy. Although, you know, obviously it doesn't, because it's a beach, and if the people in my life don't want me to be happy, I'm pretty sure a beach won't either.
I want to be the kind of person that wants to go on a holiday with my family. I want to be the kind of person who can enjoy myself in the company of my mum without feeling like I need to talk to someone else to actually bring me some happiness.
I feel so lonely sometimes.
Anyway, I basically just wanted you to know that I am going. Today. And coming back in a week. And I will miss you. I think I'll miss me too.
Ok, well, I'm off to put my life together =)
Be good, and don't talk to strangers unless they offer you candy or a ride.
I want to be the kind of person that wants to go on a holiday with my family. I want to be the kind of person who can enjoy myself in the company of my mum without feeling like I need to talk to someone else to actually bring me some happiness.
I feel so lonely sometimes.
Anyway, I basically just wanted you to know that I am going. Today. And coming back in a week. And I will miss you. I think I'll miss me too.
Ok, well, I'm off to put my life together =)
Be good, and don't talk to strangers unless they offer you candy or a ride.
Thursday, 13 January 2011
Go to bed.
Ok, so it's 12:30 at night and I'm blogging. And the person I feel like talking to now is in queensland, asleep, and I have to survive 19 days without seeing his pretty face or kissing his pretty mouth and that makes me sad. And I'm only 6 days in and I'm going completely mental and my brain isn't really functioning properly anymore and it's making homework quite difficult and in fact it's making life quite difficult.
So I've been sitting on my computer in a loneliness coma for a bit of tonight and most of yesterday when I was home alone, and I've been obsessed with Alex Day and Chester See. And, obviously, the brilliance of the Green brothers (I truly don't understand how so much brilliance can come from one family).
Here is a quote from John Green's book Will Grayson, Will Grayson:
...to read the rest of that quote (I may be bored, but that doesn't stop me being too lazy to write out the whole thing) watch John Green's video here.
And whislt we're speaking of youtube brilliance, here are the lyrics to a lovesong by Hank Green that he wrote a few weeks ago, even though he never writes love songs, but he felt like it:
This song is for a girl
no wait I changed my mind
this song, is for an adult female
Is it just me or is it creepy
how often pet names
Refer to little children
And it's not just girl
and it's not just baby
it's also boy and I think it's where we get shawty
So this song is for the adult female I love
And if there's anything that she's been dreaming of
All she has to do is ask.
Yeah if she wants me to
I'll do whatever she asks me to do
as long as it isn't really evil
or otherwise makes me uncomfortable.
cause that's what love is, and I have it, for her.
This song is about love
But not what we think of as love
especially if we are Justin Bieber
Love is hard and love is messy
And it can hurt worse than fire
And sometimes it makes you want to tear down a
building with your bare hands
But it also happens to be
the best thing that's ever happened to me
And I'm obviously not a big fan of hyperbole.
So this song is for the adult female I love
And if there's anything she's been dreaming of
And if I can acquire it with the amount of money I have
without making myself destitute
then all she has to do is ask
And I'll be with her until the end of time
as long as time ends before one of us dies.
cause that's what love is, and I have it, for her.
So I've been sitting on my computer in a loneliness coma for a bit of tonight and most of yesterday when I was home alone, and I've been obsessed with Alex Day and Chester See. And, obviously, the brilliance of the Green brothers (I truly don't understand how so much brilliance can come from one family).
Here is a quote from John Green's book Will Grayson, Will Grayson:
When I was little, my Dad used to tell me "Will, you pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose". This seemed like a reasonably astute observation to me when I was eight, but it turns out to be incorrect on a few levels, to begin with you cannot possibly pick your friends or else I never would have ended up with Tiny Cooper.
Tiny Cooper is not the world's gayest person, and he is not the world's largest person. But I believe he may be the world's largest person who is really, really gay, and also the world's gayest person who is really really large. Tiny has been my best riend since 5th grade.
...to read the rest of that quote (I may be bored, but that doesn't stop me being too lazy to write out the whole thing) watch John Green's video here.
And whislt we're speaking of youtube brilliance, here are the lyrics to a lovesong by Hank Green that he wrote a few weeks ago, even though he never writes love songs, but he felt like it:
This song is for a girl
no wait I changed my mind
this song, is for an adult female
Is it just me or is it creepy
how often pet names
Refer to little children
And it's not just girl
and it's not just baby
it's also boy and I think it's where we get shawty
So this song is for the adult female I love
And if there's anything that she's been dreaming of
All she has to do is ask.
Yeah if she wants me to
I'll do whatever she asks me to do
as long as it isn't really evil
or otherwise makes me uncomfortable.
cause that's what love is, and I have it, for her.
This song is about love
But not what we think of as love
especially if we are Justin Bieber
Love is hard and love is messy
And it can hurt worse than fire
And sometimes it makes you want to tear down a
building with your bare hands
But it also happens to be
the best thing that's ever happened to me
And I'm obviously not a big fan of hyperbole.
So this song is for the adult female I love
And if there's anything she's been dreaming of
And if I can acquire it with the amount of money I have
without making myself destitute
then all she has to do is ask
And I'll be with her until the end of time
as long as time ends before one of us dies.
cause that's what love is, and I have it, for her.
Saturday, 8 January 2011
All right now
5 Negative Thoughts
1. In life, you will never have enough time. You will never get enough sleep because you're too busy doing homework or hanging out with family and friends and you don't have time for anythign and life is overwhleming.
2. Sometimes, no one really cares if you're miserable, and you are all alone in this huge world.
3. Reality is one huge problem that can never be solved. Give up now.
4. Happiness is like perfume; eventually you get immune to it and you don't even realise how happy you are until you stop being happy. Sadness is the opposite, you feel sadness infinitely.
5. Everything good in life eventually ends, and the absence of happiness is generally sadness. Bad things end too, but that doesn't always lead to happiness.
I know everything is going to be okay, I just feel so lonely, you know? I feel like I have all these people that care about that are just out of reach, because my mum won't let me go and talk to any of them. Then I feel bad because I blame my mum for everything that is quite possibly my fault. I wish I had someone to talk to other than just my sister, I think she's getting sick of me.
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