What about what I want?

Confession #17: Today I bought your friendship with a candy cane. And you still teased me, told me to shut up when I made the slightest sound, and called me an idiot at every possible opportunity. And I still understand why I wasted my life on you.

"Happiness or unhappiness is often a matter of choice."

"By the way, i miss you" – amy-k3s-u

Hello there sunshines, and welcome to today.
Yet another day of loneliness and confusion.
Because nothing's really changing, I guess.
And to be perfectly honest, I have nooo idea what's been going on in my head lately. Things are just weird.

(No Ebony, that's just you. You're weird.)

I feel like...
Everything I do is never going to actually be good enough.
Something's always gotta give.
I can't make everyone happy.
But everyone keeps asking me to.
Or else, they tell me they're sad when I'm not around.
Or they tell me they're lonely because I'm never there.
Or they tell me that they don't feel appreciated by me.
But I don't know what I can do.
I can't help you all.
And NONE of you are willing to make compromises for me.
I give you options and you act as if it's some great injustice that YOU have to compromise.
You all think you should be the most important.
YOU CAN'T ALL BE THE MOST IMPORTANT.
And slowly, and steadily, you're draining everything out of me.
And you all say "oh no, don't worry about me, I don't need anything out of you"
AND THEN YOU TELL ME OFF WHEN YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT OUT OF ME.
I can't do this forever.
It's been so long already.
I'm slowly, steadily, falling apart.

Wish you were here,

Feeling girly

Confession#22: I hate it when you make everything about you. Some things are about me.

“I want to know exactly what makes you smile, and I want to know your problems. I want to know what days you’re waking up on the wrong side of the bed; I want to know how many pillows you sleep with. I want to know why you sleep with a window open. I want to know if I’m ever needed, if I’m good enough to keep you warm at night. I want to know if I even have a chance anymore. I want to know everything about you. I want to know your past, your future, you’re betweens. I want to know your favourite colors, the things you love, well basically everything. Because I love you.”

"Tell me that we belong together." – randomperson

I've spent so much time pretending that you don't affect me.
I'm not jealous of you... I don't think.
I'm not really sure actually, I don't know what jealousy feels like.
I just doubt that I'm a good person when you're around.
You who understand everyone and everything.
You, the naturally intelligent, naturally beautiful.
You with the perfect body, the perfect family, the perfect life.
Will I ever compare to that?
When I stand next to you, can anyone even see me?



I know what it's like to live your life feeling like you're second best.
I know what it's like to need to impress everyone just so you can feel like you've beat HER, in at least one aspect.
I know what it's like to hear someone else tell you over and over how perfect SHE is. How pretty SHE is. How lucky SHE is.
I know what it's like to cry yourself to sleep at night, because you'll never ever be as good as HER.
But I don't know what it's like to be her.



I'm not really sure where this whole post is coming from or what it means. I guess, I've been thinking a lot lately about how I feel second best to her. I told her, too, and she laughed at me, telling me how silly I was for feeling like that, but it only made me feel worse. I hate it when she laughs at me.

My softer world

Confession #32: I hate when I upset you. I wasn't crying because you're an arsehole. I was crying because I made you feel like one. I love you.

"It's not a stoplight. It's a pause for peace."

"Just walk up and surprise me" - i(----)you


Caption: In the caves behind my house I found a softer world.
They understand what I had to do for love.
they don't believe in restraining orders.
Welcome to a softer world.
This picture is titled "What I did for love"
It is one of the cartoons that keep me going.
For the past few years, I've been holding onto these. My survival guide.
In so many ways.
These are my lifeline.
And this is my tribute.

Caption: "Hello! This is an email from a stranger who thinks you're just great!
Also, I respect a woman who organises her fridge so well.
Please don't scream when you turn around?"
Title: A stranger's just a friend you haven't met yet

Caption: I want the woman who yells at the potted plants at the library.
Yes, she's clearly troubled, but she's not helpless.
She doesn't take any shit from vegetables, for instance.
Title: Actually, maybe I want to BE her

Caption: I never wanted anything to happen to my parents
but a hero needs an origin story.

Title: And I'm not even sure gamma radiation would do anything

Caption: I can switch at will between being a man or a woman.
It's not my problem if you get weirded out
because my body stays the same.
Title: Any sufficiently complex system is hackable

Caption: I couldn't see through the blood and tears
I kept saying "Is that all you got?" even after they ran off
"Maybe your mom could come down and help?
Title: Ask her not to wear those army boots though

Caption: I'm gonna close my eyes and spin
And the first person I see is my soulmate
OK, class?
Title: But this doesn't mean an easy A

Caption: Some people collect stamps
I break into priests' hpises
and steal their dirty shorts for my vending machines
Title: I also collect stamps

Caption: I hire a prostitute to play tag and hide and go seek
she thinks it's weird repressed sex stuff
I just miss having friends who are girls
Title: I don't mind paying. It's worth it.

Caption: I've started a terrorist cell
We're going to do away with dating services
We're going to burn down Weight Watchers
Title: I used to want to wear plant bombs the night of the prom.

Caption: Police are saying the sniper's victims appear to have nothing in common.

Well, they do now!
Title: I was a terrible news anchor

Caption: I spend my lunch hours surrounded by people who apologiser for every tough
So today I hugged a stranger
and a thousand lonely people rioted
Title: I couldn't stop smiling in the back of the police car

Caption" My mum's buried out in these woods
She wanted her ashes scattered at sea, but it's like she always said
"No"
Title: It just wasn't reasonable

Caption: The sappy music comes up and I wipe the tears from her face
and into a heart-shaped vial
Tears make the best lube
Title: Not... not that we need it

Caption: The world isn't going to end just because we've done everything wrong.

Though, that would be easier.
Title: Oh fuck, we're doomed! Quick! To the movie theatre!

Caption: Thionking about the infinity of space makes me insane
I never want my kids to feel this small
So yeah, I let them eat whatever
Title: Priorities

Caption: Sometimes, I wish I could take back all my mistakes
but then I think
what if my mother could take back hers?
Title: She told me I was the best mistake she ever made

Caption: I told everyone I built my robot wife for sex
but late at night when we're alone
we mostly play battleship
Title: She's never too tired

Caption: The robot replacement wife laughs at all my jokes
Which was nice at first

Title: But even battleship gets old after 15 years

Caption: The sleepover is an integral part of a young girl's social like.
My firends are here to talk about boys. and laugh.
I'm here because my mother locked me out again.
Title: Smiling fights the lonely moster

Caption: Normal people don't steal dirty panties to feel close to someone

Is that what you're saying?
Title: Tell me another one

Caption: Halfway down she remembered
that Golden Girls was out on DVD
which could have gone in the CONS column
Title: Thankyou for being a friend

Caption: It was a plague nobody expected
pubert again, instead of death
cracking voices, and new bodies we can't understand
Title: The ravages of puberty leave nobody unscathed

Caption: My gramma has this joke where she says "Knock knock"
I say "who's there?"
she says "I can't remember" and starts to cry
Title: This is what frustrates me

Caption: I called my therapist yesterday, in a panic
I said "what if the sky falls again?"
And she said "Well, what if you fall in love?"
Title: True dreams

Caption: As a child, I killed animals
Not for any rish but because they seemed so sad
and I didn't know what else to do
Title: What would they do with their freedom?

Caption: The fall left him with brain damage and two long scars.
We tease him. "Oh him? He fell out of the ugly tree."
He looks most like our brother when he laughs
Title: We miss you

Caption: I was going to figure out the postage
and send you my heart
for Christmas.
But my friends talked me out of it.
They said "why would you send her something broken?"

Title: We've been good but we can't last

Afraid.

Confession #16: Although I got over you more than a year ago, I still care what you think of me. I want you to finally give a damn.

“My point is, when I fall in love, I fall HARD. I fall for real, and I fall completely.”

"Your lips should be against mine." - CobbleStone

I'm not sure when I decided I would go against who I thought I was.

Maybe I'm just not the person I used to know.
I'm not the person I wanted to be.
Maybe... I never was.

And I hate what this all comes down to.
Me never being the right person.
Never making the right choices.

I went down a path of making decisions I wasn't ready for.
And I made up my mind not to do that in the future.
But I did.
I did it again.

I still... love this new me though.
I'm so happy being her.
She smiles much more easily.
She knows what she wants. She goes and gets it.
Sure, she cares about everyone else.
But she actually gives a damn about herself.
She will let you take her photo.

Although I hate that this person is not someone the old me would approve of.
And it's not someone that society will approve of.
It's someone I WANT to be.
I want to love myself.

...And I do.

Another year older

Confession #46: I'm terrified of becoming someone I'll hate. But I'm pretty sure I'm on that road.

"I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure – which is: try to please everybody."

"You want more; so do I." – October

I'm back from camp, another year older. (Actually only a week, but, still, in numbers)

And, for the irst birthday in my life, I don't feel old enough. I don't feel 16.
I feel like my life is on fast forward at the moment, I'm just living day to day without any time for anything.
I've suddenly moved from being too young to care about life to old enough to know what I'm doing. I feel like, I have freedom now. Freedom I don't necessarily want.

I'm not sure how much I believe that age is just a number. To me, it has to be more.

And more than that, I've started thinking about myself differently too.
This is not necessarily bad, though, because I have a lot more confidence in myself, and I start to see myself as possibly being loveable. Perhaps even by me. But it has some bad parts as well. I see a change that no one else can.

I know that camp changed me, as it always does. But I think it changed a lot of people. I don't like the new me as much, I just like how she sees herself.

Does anyone else feel different?

Ciao for now

Confession #29: I stopped writing memoirs when I stopped caring about my opinion.

"i tried to write you a poem today. it didn't work. it was choppy and uneven. and had horrible rythym. free verse was out of the question, but rhyming messed it up. i have come to the conclusion that maybe, words can't describe you. or the way you make me feel. or else, i'm just a terrible poet."

"Vision gets distorted. Blink. Wet cheeks." - InnuendoBatman



Camp tomorrow!
Which means that next time we correspond I shall be 16.
And old enough (and possibly wise enough) to get my Ls.
Aside from the minor issue that I don't have time to go and do the test.



Tell me your story, and I'll tell you mine.
We'll curlourselves up in a blanket
And sip our hot chocolate
And much on our tim tams
And we'll watch the stars
Wrapped in each others arms
Telling our stories.



I'd pay 5 cents to kiss you =)
Goodbye everybody, don't miss me too much.

If wishes were horses

Confession #38: I care more about what other people want from me than what I want from myself.

"To me Wasting Time is about how there are people who are so bothered by what everyone else is doing that they forget who they are themselves."
"I believe in words, music, wishes." – samsara-rain



Here is my wishlist. Because everyone has the right to wishes =)

1. Overqualified
" Cover letters are all the same. They're useless. You write the same lies over and over again, listing the store-bought parts of yourself that you respect the least. God knows how they tell anyone apart, but this is how it's done.

And then one day a car comes out of nowhere, and suddenly everything changes and you don't know if he'll ever wake up. You get out of bed in the morning, and when you sit down to write another paint-by-numbers cover letter, something entirely different comes out.

You start threatening instead of begging. You tell impolite jokes. You talk about your childhood and your sexual fantasies. You sign your real name and you put yourself honestly into letter after letter and there is no way you are ever going to get this job. Not with a letter like this.

And you send it anyway."
That's what the book is about.


2. Dragons cap

You see, last ANZAC Day, when I went to the footy with my dad + sister, the sun was in our eyes. And everyone else had a cool cap. And I didn't. And it was very sad. And you don't want me to be sad, do you?


3. Star Wars Poster.

From episode 5, because it was clearly the best episode. Having most action with least confusion. And I want a poster because the only one I have in my room at the moment is all puppies. And they are getting lonely. And if you get me a poster with yoda or one of the droids on it, I will love you for always and forever. =)


4. An in flames tshirt.

I dont have many tshirts that fit me at the moment, because my family refuses to take me shopping. and I've decided to only buy stuff iI like. Hence the yoda. In flames is cool, though, and I want a tshirt.


5. A set of rainbow highlighters.

Like, a really big set. Not the crappy 4 colours and they call it rainbow. A REAL rainbow. I will share them, i promise. =) And I will study with them, and they will make me happy.


6. Hugs

Because hugs are the best thing ever. And when the free hugs guy gets old and sad, I'm gonna steal his job. And I'm going to wonder around the city, and hug everyone who needs a hug. I like hugs. =)

Are you beauty or the beast?

Confession #62: I have self adequacy issues.

“I didn’t know quite what to say, sometimes words get in the way.”

"Not confident- just loud and outrageous" - bounce

There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard,
No song that I could sing
But I can try for your heart,

Our dreams, and they are made out of real things,
Like a shoebox of photographs,
With sepiatone loving,

Love is the answer
At least for most of the questions in my heart,
Like why are we here? And where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?

It's not always easy,
And sometimes life can be deceiving,
I'll tell you one thing, its always better when we're together


MMM, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together


And all of these moments
Just might find their way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone,
When the morning light sings

And brings new things,
But tomorrow night you see
That they'll be gone too,
Too many things I have to do,

But if all of these dreams might find their way
Into my day to day scene
I'll be under the impression,
I was somewhere in-between

With only two,
Just me and you
Not so many things we got to do,
Or places we got to be
We'll sit beneath the mango tree now


Yeah, it's always better when we're together
MMM, We're somewhere in-between together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together


MmMMmm MmMMm MmMMm
I believe in memories
They look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when, and when I wake up,
You look so pretty sleeping next to me

But there is not enough time,
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing,
We're better together

"Beatles were right; life went on"

"... maybe I should see a counsellor"

"Eating twisties to taste like him"

"He wore my favourite smile today"

"Hello and welcome to original sin"

"Shit happens and people get hurt"

"Beautiful beyond all possible previous beauties"

"Leaving doesn't make your problems disappear"

"A fool in love with words"

"Set everyone in my dream allight."

"Not failing; making room for improvement."

"Spamming mind. Filtering through junk thoughts."

"Felt fat. Ate another cookie. Smiled"

"She's loud.
No, she's just pretending"

"'Don't do this.' You always do"

"Wanna hear something perfectly crazy?
Love"

"Average girl turned extraordinary through love"

"I'll be special if you want"

"Denying it. It's not going away"

"Don't feel beautiful without my mask"

PS: I love you.

Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps

Confession #14: I'm totally craving jelly, and cookies and cream right now.

" There are a million important things to do. But none as important as lying here next to you. "

"The biggest war is inside ourselves." – Still small. Still searching



I've decided to stop being so damn selfish. Because I know I am all the time. And quite frankly, I'm sick of it. I've decided that from today, I'm going to be a better person. There will be no more Ebonytime. Ebony needs to spend more time with other people. I will slightly neglect my Sims even. I'm going to stop doing things for myself, and start doing things for other people. This has gone on long enough.

Even for me.

Confession #43: Okay, I admit it. I am PMSing. =S

"And although we adore men individually, we agree that as a group they’re rather stupid."

"Screw eloquence. Awkward moments radiate beauty." – theliterarybulimic

I am so sick of these bloody moodswings.
I keep changing for happy to bitchy to hormonal to depressed to self concious, all in a number of minutes.
AND IT IS PISSING ME OFF!



Sometimes life is just sad.
And sometimes you work so hard for something, and in the end, you don't even get what you want. And it's not just something you want, it's something you need. Something you're gonna learn to live without. And maybe that's what growing up is all about. Learning to live without the things that you need.



Everyday is filled with daisies, if you look hard enough. Sometimes you have to stop looking at all the dirty, and focus on the flowers growing from them. You need to plant some seeds, too, if you want to see flowers. And sometimes they won't grow and you will have wasted all that time. And then sometimes they grow to be beautiful, and it is worth every second you put in.



Yeah, actually, I do complain a lot. I'm ungrateful and whiney, and basically not worth it. But when we complain together, now that's something beautiful. All of you is beautiful. I love complaining about things with you because they don't suck anymore. You make everything stop sucking. You make everything beautiful. You made my bad day amazing. You are amazing.



I'm afraid time is going to pass so fast that I never get a chance to apreciate you and I know that eventually, it will be too late. And there's a looming feeling in me that eventually is coming sooner than I want it to. I know that I've let chances like this slip by me before, and that that should be some incentive not to let it happen again. But I also have a little part of me saying that it's too late, I've already lost you. There's nothing left for it...



And I think I'm slowly becoming that person I swore I never would.
The one who doesn't really give a damn about anyone other than herself.
Even the selfless things I do, I do them for selfish reasons.
And I hate who I'm becoming.
And I promised myself I'd change.
And I thought I was doing so well at that.
But turns out... I'm not.



Now imagine feeling all of those emotions in 30 seconds.
STUPID CRAPPY DAY!!!!!!
=S

ps: i love you