In darkness

Confession #12: I don't remember the last time I felt this small

"It's only in darkness that you see the stars"

"You're the stars in my eyes." - October

It's quite funny that people tell me they haven't seen me this sad in a while. I believe it may have been a while since I've felt like this also.
It's quite funny when people tell me that my sadness makes them sad. Unless everyone in the world (including yourself) has seen you differently after knowing what you know about yourself, you don't even know what real sadness is.
And the words "sad" and "terrible person" and even "attractive" have, rather than ceased meaning anything, come to mean so much more than ever before.

And as I stood there and waited for the door to open, I knew who I wanted, more than anyone else to walk out and see if I was okay. The person I want to care. And in that moment, I think I found myself again. Because sometimes I lose track of the person I am. And sometimes when I stand too close to you I start to doubt who that person is, sometimes when I see you too much my mind gets a little fuzzy, and it's difficult to concentrate.
But I've found what I want to concentrate on.
And it's not you.
And it never will be.
And I still hate you =)


ps: i know i begin too many sentences with "and" and "but", but you can get over that.

Capable

Confession #12: Sometimes, I think they're all right. The best option might be to lie.

"Where are you? You’ve seemed a little distant lately. Like you’ve got something to hide. You can tell me. I won’t be mad."

"I can't see the big picture." - coulda.been.a.comet

I feel like as the days go on, I become a worse and worse person.
I know I'm wrong, you know I'm wrong. Everybody in the world knows it.
So many people deny that I'm terrible, but it seems, the more they hear, the more they agree. It's just the way it goes.
I don't want to be this person, and I don't want to feel like this.
But I don't think I even have a choice.

---

The fact that I have depressed you is depressing me.
Why are we involving my stupid emotions anyway?
It's only making us both upset.

---

I've apologised so many times. For once, I wish you could just accept it. You get so mad at me, making you mad at yourself. Can't we move on and pretend nothing ever happened? Will things ever get back to the way they were before? Or do I not deserve a second chance?

Whelmed

"i just wish i could start a relationship about twelve years in, when you really don’t have to try anymore, and you can just sit around together and just goof on tv shows and then go to bed without anybody trying any funny business."

This is my four hundredth post.

Which is quite an achievement. Considering I rarely blog now a days.

But I've been through lulls before.

I think I'm just overwhelmed.

Here's a series of Things You Don't Know About Me that you don't care about but might read anyway.

I've always been the lover, never the loved. Now that I'm the loved, I'm scared I'm going to break you in the same way that they broke me. And I'm very sorry if I do.

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My Dad has never watched state of origin by himself, he's always watched it with my grandfather. Now that he's gone, I want to be there for him. That's why I'm mega pissed that we'll be on camp for origin 1. I don't care if we get a tv, or get to watch it. I don't want him to be alone.

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It makes my day when you walk past, catch my eye, and poke your tongue out at me. You always seem happy to see me, even though you barely know me. I feel special.

---

I wear the necklace you gave me to work everyday. I feel like it's the only thing keeping me close to you. And I don't want to let go.

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Mum told me that she thinks I could have done better for all of my half yearly results. All of them. I wish I could stop being a disappointment.

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Watching the last ever episode of Gilmore Girls changed my life, because I will never be able to hear those words spoken to me. Never, because you are gone. And I didn't realise what that meant, until Emily said that to Rory.

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I feel like I'm letting down everyone important in my life at the moment, simply by being me. I want to change, but it all feels so huge and overwhelming and it feels like there's nothing I can do but watch my life go by, along with everyone I ever cared about.

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Lately, the only person I've been able to relate to is B'Ellana Torres.

Officially addicted to you

My sister just said "What the hell? So many grammar mistakes! 1980s doesn't have an apostrophe *curls up in foetal position*"
Then I asked her how to spell "curls" and "foetal"
But yeah, I've converted her to the dark side that be grammar nazis. Oh the joys we shall have.

So yeah, welcome to my first blog in too long.
In this too long period, Ebony has had her one year anniversary.
Oh how tres exciting.

And, also, I am officially addicted to letters to crushes (thank you very much Rosa!)
so yeah, since I don;t have any intelligent thoughts (ever), here are some awesome letters to crushes.

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I wish you would just say you like me and get it over with. I'm not the type to tell you how I feel first. Don't you realize I'm waiting for you to make the move? Come on, I mean, you say you can read my thoughts through my eyes, so how could you miss this? Sometimes, when we look at eachother, I think you might be thinking what I am. Then again, what do I know? I'm just another girl... Why would you choose me? We're best friends and I don't wanna ruin that relationship.. but MAN! I like you. A lot.

---

& here's a toast, to attempting to get back what we never had.
To pretending you feel the same.

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when your hair is wet, you look like a shaggy dog.

it is then that i find you most beautiful.

---

Boy,

Damn you look fine. I just want to reach over at lunch and touch your knee, that subtly patched fraying of your jeans.

I want to whisper you-and-me things in your ear

I want to interlock our fingers and gently sqeeze "I love you" in morse code into your palm.

Girl

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You asked me the other day if we would still be friends if you were to marry.

The mere thought of it brought me to tears. Another girl, walking down the aisle, as you look on with the devotion and love I used to think I deserved. Heartbreak worse than when I told you I loved you, and you responded with embarrassed silence. If there is one thing in this world that could destroy me, it would be sticking around long enough to see you marry another woman.

You asked me the other day if we would still be friends if you were to marry. And I said yes.

---

I'm realizing there's nothing about you I can't accept.

---

Go fall in love guys.
Live long, and prosper.

Ask me to dance

Put your brave face on
The one you wore when you stole my heart
Won't you hold my hand
We'll jump together into anything that could
Possibly happen

'cause we're still so young
Ask me to dance in this hotel room
Then let's get out of here
And hit the airport with nothing but a carry
on between us

You take my over analyse away
It's you and me against the world today

Feels like i'm running
With my high heels on
And they're chasing us waiting
For it to all go wrong
You're my umbrella against their
Sticks and stones
As long as we keep smiling
They'll never know
Put your brave face on
Put your brave face on

It's clear blue skies
Flying 30,000 feet above
No one can touch us
'cause we're so in love
Look into my eyes
Meet me there don't look down

Feels like i'm running
With my high heels on
And they're chasing us waiting
For it to all go wrong
You're my umbrella against their
Sticks and stones
As long as we keep smiling
They'll never know
Put your brave face on
Put your brave face on

You take my over anaylse away
It's you and me
Against the world today

Feels like i'm running
With my high heels on
And they're chasing us waiting
For it to all go wrong
You're my umbrella against their
Sticks and stones
As long as we keep smiling
They'll never know
Put your brave face on
Put your brave face on

"We've recieved unconfirmed reports that you are beginning to ask questions. Please accept the world as it is and allow it to continue to work the way it works. Fit in.

Thank you."

In other words, it doesn't matter if you're failing English.
Or that you cry at inconvenient times during the day.
And it doesn't matter if you ate lunch alone.
Or that you've fought with everyone important to you in the last 24 hours (including yourself.)

This is the way the world works.

You just have to stop asking questions and fit in.







Resistance is futile.

Bright and sunshiney

Confession #28: I wish life would slow down. Everything is happening so fast and I don't know how I feel about any of it.

"Most people think of black holes as things that transport you through time and space, most people forget to mention the fact that they will most likely rip you apart"

"Ready for the day to end" - edyka



Welcome to the black hole that is life.

It is a black hole because stupid people do stupid things to mess with you like the stupid vet telling you your dog might have stupid cancer.
Or stupid people you talk to online that tell you their entire life story, and don't bother asking how you are because they don't care.
Or stupid people that rearrange your entire stupid bedroom whilst you are at work because they don't like it being messy and are throwing out half your stupid stuff.
Or stupid people that wake you up by stupid texting you goodnight, and you can't even get pissed off at them because it's the sweetest thing anyone's ever done for you.

And then you go to work, and there's the genius, who hears about your dog, and enlightens you by saying "cancer is smarter than people. there will never be a cure for cancer because it evolves quicker than humans can cure it. people that give money to cancer are stupid"

And that makes you feel all bright and sunshiney, doesn't it?

Formspring

Here is my formspring.
I like this idea because I am very anti secret.
Go and anonymously ask me some stuff you've been dying to know.

Or, you know, not.

But I'd like it if you did.

Falling to pieces

The previous owner of this vehicle is sitting in pieces in a box.


...thanks for the car.

Another day

Oh no- here comes that sun again.
That means another day without you my friend...

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away.

With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.

Denial: Not just a river in egypt

Let's pretend everythings fine
Put on our fake smiles and keep wasting our time
Let's pretend we're fine
Go out in style and come home in denial
Let's pretend we're fine

If you really gotta know I'm not doin so good
Hurt me way more than I thought it could

Cause I
Just can't handle losing you again

April 15 9:26pm

Join the club, We all fall sometimes but we get up.

Say cheese

Sometimes it's hard to pretend like nothing has changed.
Sometimes I imagine you next me though, and nothing has changed.
I see your smile, the strong one, not that weak one that grew.

But your smile's gone now.
Maybe I never even saw it.
Has it always been too late?

Tomatoes

It's completely insane and unnatural of me to cry when I see tomatoes.
But I wouldn't have it any other way.

April 16 6:23am

"Heartbreaker,

Yesterday, I told someone about the pain, and the sadness, and the anger that you wrapped up and gave to me. It felt like a weight had been lifted from me. Fifty more weights, and I think I can fly.

-Rejected"

Maybe

Maybe I didn't lose you.
Maybe you were already gone.
Maybe you were gone three and a half years ago.
Maybe you left with your smile.
And all that's gone now is your frown.

Maybe, it's ok?

The Meaning of Life

Riding with despair prohibited

Confession #9: I am angry, sad, and terrified. Why can't you give me what you promised?

“You left. I stayed. We both cried.

Time.”

"life sucks. so we eat cookies" – justkharp

I think I've just lost it.
And seriously, my family holiday on Sunday, NO ONE wants to go. We all feel so terribubble about leaving. And so WE SHOULD.

Ugh, my mind is overloaded with all this crap, and the only way to get it all out is to cry.

Which I did.
At the dentist.
And after that...
Walking home from coles.

Because, if you're gonna make a complete fool of yourself, you may as well give everyone a good view, right?

I think I might just go and find some custard and whipped cream and eat all my emotions until I stop feeling like this.

But honestly, I just can't do it anymore.

PS: I'm sorry fat fish, for thinking you were pregnant, when you were sick. I'm sorry I was so excited.

Catch upp

So, yeah, long time no talky.
What has happened with you Ebony?

Well...

*I did my english assessment and only got 35 minutes for it... because, well, teachers are stupid, and Ms Schultz says I can appeal and blah blah but who can be bothered?
*My enter key is broken, it gets stuck heaps, and I just backspaced stacks of lines
*My whole class pretty much feels crappy about physics considering even the top score in our class for the research task was pretty crap, and the rest are worse.
*I realised I have 4 classes with Richard. Yes, it took me 10 weeks to figure it out.
*I am pretty much screwed for English. Just in general. And should be doing that instead of this. But, ehh.
*Mr Peck likes Tim Minchin. =SS Why must he make me like him? He is not a good person =(
*Ms Schultz makes me feel cared about =) She was all nice and everything to me today when I was sorta freaking out
*English just generally makes me want to cry
*Me and my train people totally gossiped about every teacher in our school today =DD
*My puppy dog had an operation yesterday, and has stitches and stuff, but he'll be okayy.
*Our whole grade pretty much hates their half yearly timetables.
*I just feel tired. I think this long weekend will be very good for me. I look forward to sleep and chocolate. And the easter show with my people =)
*Today is April Fools and everyone was too stressy to notice =L
*Me and Amy stalked Mr Robson for his email =DD Plus I have all my teachers except Dillon's
*Pitt told us about this cool science thingo that I don't think I can go to because I'm going to Tasmania.
*The dragons play tomorrow and this game may determine my happiness for the week :L:L Seriously! We're top of the table!! =D
*I've been listening to a lot of music lately, it makes me happy.
*I keep feeling like studying. Like at the station today, I totally cracked and opened a book :L

Live long and prosper

Rant #3

Today, Mum said to me "You never spend time with your family anymore. You only do homework and get sick"

Seriously?
Seriously?
That's HER problem?
That I don't have any spare time between doing homework and getting sick?
SHE has a problem with that????
She doesn't think that MAYBE, JUST MAYBE I might also find that a little difficult to live with?
That maybe a life of illness and homework doesn't completely piss me off?

Ok, now that I've ranted I need to go and take some medicine and then finish my maths homework. Hopefully, before the Dragons game. Which I hopefully manage to stay awake for even though i start work at 8:30 tomorrow morning. =S

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PS: I'm sorry =(
I didn't mean... yeah.
I love you.