Woke up this morning bright and early (for Spain… you know, like 9:30) so we could shower and go to breakfast upstairs. The view from the breakfast room was incredible, we could see all the way up one of the main streets of Madrid, and you know, the food was pretty good too.
After breakfast we walked down to the street and waited for Blanca to pick us up and take us to some of the sites of Madrid. We started at a place called The Valley of the Fallen (to which I said “transformers?” and Blanca said “yes, we’re going to see Megatron” [awesomeness is in my genes]) which is a memorial built to honour those who died in the Spanish Civil War. The memorial was absolutely beautiful; it looked a bit like a church but it was entirely carved out of a stone mountain, with ceilings of mosaic tiles. The next stop was an old palace that’s been turned into a sort of exhibition and that was nice, but it got a bit boring… and creepy when there were graves everywhere… and sad when the graves were of children.
Post palace we went and had lunch, and then stumbled upon a fantastic lolly shop where I got a bag of gluten free coke bottles and strawberry lollies and all sorts of good stuff for around $5.
Then we drove to factory outlets and Nikki did her silly shopping and bla di bla we went back to Blanca’s father’s house (his name is Angel). There we watched the soccer, ate glorious Spanish food, introduced Blanca to tim tams, and marvelled at the craziness of people in Madrid when Spain wins a football game. There were seriously fireworks everywhere, cars honking, people singing and dancing in the streets! When Blanca eventually drove us home, most of the streets in the heart of the city were closed due to people partying, so she dropped us a few streets away and we made our way through the crowds to the hotel. Seriously, these guys go all out, even on the drive home people in other cars were screaming and singing and banging on the car roof and honking the horn in tunes. Part of me actually wants to move here to join these crazy loons…
Anyway it’s after 1 again, so off to bed now!
Monday, 2 July 2012
Day seven
Forgot to post this earlier... damn it
We had these awesome plans to be up and showered by 9 so we were ready for breakfast… didn’t really happen. But eventually we were all fed and showered, so that’s all good.
We had to check out by 11 and after that we had all of our luggage with us so we thought we may as well just go to the airport because we thought that might take a while. It was three stops away by train but most of it was across countryside because London is a very condensed city. Once at the train station we also had to take a shuttle bus to get to the actual airport and even though this all seems like a mammoth task, we were still way too early to check in our luggage. So we chilled out at starbucks for over an hour (have I mentioned how incredible it is that there is starbucks everywhere? Getting actual good coffee is really hard in Europe because they’re all into black coffee, rather than really good, frothy, milky coffee). After that we checked our luggage in, ate some noodles/rice for lunch and then headed off to the departure gates. Through there we were searched by security more thoroughly than anywhere else in the world. We had to have our liquids in small bags, we had to take off jackets and hats (yes my friends, I was rocking a beret), and Nikki’s chucks set off the metal detectors, resulting in her being very thoroughly searched by one of the security guards. Other than that our day was rather uneventful until we got to Madrid, where I met my second cousin Blanca for the first time.
She intended to drive us to our hotel from the airport, but Madrid had this Mardi Gras thing going on that closed the streets, so it took a fair while and when we finally got here at around 9pm, we were ready for dinner.
Of course, due to the parade, we thought everywhere would be full so we sort of wandered the streets until we found this marketplace that looked nice, so we stopped and ate there. I shared three dishes dad and Blanca which were all delicious and we barely had room for dessert… but we managed. Flan was on the dessert menu, which is something I haven’t had (particularly homemade) since my grandmother died. And yeah, hers were better.
So by this point it was 1am and we all thought it was time to say goodbye to Blanca and roll home. Until tomorrow!
We had these awesome plans to be up and showered by 9 so we were ready for breakfast… didn’t really happen. But eventually we were all fed and showered, so that’s all good.
We had to check out by 11 and after that we had all of our luggage with us so we thought we may as well just go to the airport because we thought that might take a while. It was three stops away by train but most of it was across countryside because London is a very condensed city. Once at the train station we also had to take a shuttle bus to get to the actual airport and even though this all seems like a mammoth task, we were still way too early to check in our luggage. So we chilled out at starbucks for over an hour (have I mentioned how incredible it is that there is starbucks everywhere? Getting actual good coffee is really hard in Europe because they’re all into black coffee, rather than really good, frothy, milky coffee). After that we checked our luggage in, ate some noodles/rice for lunch and then headed off to the departure gates. Through there we were searched by security more thoroughly than anywhere else in the world. We had to have our liquids in small bags, we had to take off jackets and hats (yes my friends, I was rocking a beret), and Nikki’s chucks set off the metal detectors, resulting in her being very thoroughly searched by one of the security guards. Other than that our day was rather uneventful until we got to Madrid, where I met my second cousin Blanca for the first time.
She intended to drive us to our hotel from the airport, but Madrid had this Mardi Gras thing going on that closed the streets, so it took a fair while and when we finally got here at around 9pm, we were ready for dinner.
Of course, due to the parade, we thought everywhere would be full so we sort of wandered the streets until we found this marketplace that looked nice, so we stopped and ate there. I shared three dishes dad and Blanca which were all delicious and we barely had room for dessert… but we managed. Flan was on the dessert menu, which is something I haven’t had (particularly homemade) since my grandmother died. And yeah, hers were better.
So by this point it was 1am and we all thought it was time to say goodbye to Blanca and roll home. Until tomorrow!
Saturday, 30 June 2012
Day six
So I had a dream that I was being attacked by a broom and woke up to find Nikki’s elbow in my head. She is such a bed hog it is driving me crazy. I should never share a bed with anyone other than Damian…<3
We got up, showered, had breakfast, and went in search of a laundrette… which we found! So now all our clothes are clean and then world is beautiful. It took a good few hours for the clothes to clean and dry so we kind of chilled out in there for a good while.
After that we went in search of a traditional English fish and chips, which is really easy to find if you’re not gluten intolerant and in need of grilled fish. In the end I just got fried fish and pulled all the batter off and it was good. Plus, they gave me olives to satisfy my inner wog.
Then we took the tube to hyde park and walked along it until we got to Harrod’s. Which is the fanciest, awesomest shop ever and ohmy gosh their shoes are ridiculously expensive. On the other hand, they have a really fancy café where I had a Devonshire tea that was quite possibly the best scone of my life. Thank you England, you did not disappoint.
After that we half walked half ran to the National Science Museum because it was about to close but it was really good and I wish we had something like that here. I was expecting it to be more gimmicky and hands on and here play a game and pretend to learn, but it was filled with some seriously cool information about the past and the future and current technologies. A+ England.
The museum closed at six, so we strolled along the road popping into souvenir shops and clothes shops and so forth until we reached the bunch of grapes which is basically a really traditional old English pub. Dad has been looking for one the whole time we’ve been in London, so it was good to check something else off the list. After that, we continued our stroll, going into more shops and things and eventually having dinner. We ate at a place called Spaghetti House but awkwardly none of us ate pasta so that’s a bit of a fail, although dad had pizza so at least it’s Italian.
After dinner we went to the metro station and Nikki saw a sign that said “If the time is 12:01 and trains arrive whenever the minute hand and hour hand overlap, how long do you have to wait for a train?” to which she found the immediate answer of 64 minutes and I found the immediate answer of 64 minutes and 5 seconds but upon reflection realised that this is an infinite paradox and if you believe ancient philosophers the train will never come which is quite obviously not true, and I could write you an equation to determine when the train will come, and yet if I were to calculate it, it would take an infinite time to calculate and would be an infinite decimal; the limit of which is the correct answer. I guess this made me think about infinities and think about the way we think of things because we take infinite limits of things everyday which seems like it would lead to inaccuracies but is actually the only way of being correct, in the same way that 0.99999999999 repeated is equal to, not smaller than 1. Infinities exist in everything, and although we try to eradicate them, they are necessary and beautiful.
You’re welcome for the philosophy.
I don’t think anyone who understands this maths actually reads this… life is sad.
Off to Madrid tomorrow!
We got up, showered, had breakfast, and went in search of a laundrette… which we found! So now all our clothes are clean and then world is beautiful. It took a good few hours for the clothes to clean and dry so we kind of chilled out in there for a good while.
After that we went in search of a traditional English fish and chips, which is really easy to find if you’re not gluten intolerant and in need of grilled fish. In the end I just got fried fish and pulled all the batter off and it was good. Plus, they gave me olives to satisfy my inner wog.
Then we took the tube to hyde park and walked along it until we got to Harrod’s. Which is the fanciest, awesomest shop ever and ohmy gosh their shoes are ridiculously expensive. On the other hand, they have a really fancy café where I had a Devonshire tea that was quite possibly the best scone of my life. Thank you England, you did not disappoint.
After that we half walked half ran to the National Science Museum because it was about to close but it was really good and I wish we had something like that here. I was expecting it to be more gimmicky and hands on and here play a game and pretend to learn, but it was filled with some seriously cool information about the past and the future and current technologies. A+ England.
The museum closed at six, so we strolled along the road popping into souvenir shops and clothes shops and so forth until we reached the bunch of grapes which is basically a really traditional old English pub. Dad has been looking for one the whole time we’ve been in London, so it was good to check something else off the list. After that, we continued our stroll, going into more shops and things and eventually having dinner. We ate at a place called Spaghetti House but awkwardly none of us ate pasta so that’s a bit of a fail, although dad had pizza so at least it’s Italian.
After dinner we went to the metro station and Nikki saw a sign that said “If the time is 12:01 and trains arrive whenever the minute hand and hour hand overlap, how long do you have to wait for a train?” to which she found the immediate answer of 64 minutes and I found the immediate answer of 64 minutes and 5 seconds but upon reflection realised that this is an infinite paradox and if you believe ancient philosophers the train will never come which is quite obviously not true, and I could write you an equation to determine when the train will come, and yet if I were to calculate it, it would take an infinite time to calculate and would be an infinite decimal; the limit of which is the correct answer. I guess this made me think about infinities and think about the way we think of things because we take infinite limits of things everyday which seems like it would lead to inaccuracies but is actually the only way of being correct, in the same way that 0.99999999999 repeated is equal to, not smaller than 1. Infinities exist in everything, and although we try to eradicate them, they are necessary and beautiful.
You’re welcome for the philosophy.
I don’t think anyone who understands this maths actually reads this… life is sad.
Off to Madrid tomorrow!
Friday, 29 June 2012
Day five
(Note: I think I babble a lot in this because the post is soo long, but whatever, I saw the queen so there)
Another day, another bowl of miel pops without milk, although in London we also have toast and eggs and stuff cooked for us so I had a fried egg and that was nice. We had a big day ready so we headed off through the underground into Green Park. We arrived at Buckingham Palace at around 11 to see the changing of the guard at 11:30 and oh my gosh it was the most boring thing in the world and we stood around just waiting for something to happen for ages. Eventually the guard changed, we took some photos and then rushed off because we wanted to hear Big Ben chime at 12, but all the streets were blocked and we could barely move. And then the queen drove past. And I can now tick “see the queen” off my bucket list. After she left, they let people cross roads but by that time it was too late for poor Ben so we crossed the river and went to our next stop; The London Eye.
The London Eye is basically the biggest ferris wheel ever and it takes half an hour to go round because it moves so slowly and from the top you can see the entirety of London. It is magnificent. And it took forty minutes to get to the front of the queue. But when we were up the top, we looked down, and the queue was gone. So yeah, we were pretty pissed. But it was gorgeous, none the less. After our trip on the Eye, we went to have lunch which was meant to be fish and chips but we passed this shop that sold hot dogs and they smelt so amazing that we immediately changed our plans. And dad made me eat some popcorn because I couldn’t eat the bread which was pretty awesome. The shop also had some amazing looking ice cream so I got white chocolate and coconut and they were fantastic.
Our plan was meant to be to catch a bus to St Paul’s Cathedral but when we looked at the bus routes we didn’t realise that the one we wanted was different depending on the direction and also you need to prepay for bus tickets and have exact change and dad didn’t have 2.30 in coins for each of us so we cut our losses and started walking. The walk took forever, mainly because Nikki kept wanting to stop and upon reflection we’d walked from like, before Buckingham Palace so our legs were a little stressed. We got to St Paul’s Cathedral at 4 o’clock and saw a café near it that looked really tempting so we had to make the choice which to visit first. We walked into the information centre next to the Cathedral and found out that it in fact closed at 4, so we’d missed it. But they had a service inside at 5 that we could go to for free (entry normally cost 15 pounds each, so this kind of seemed like a brilliant idea). So we stopped at the café for an hour and had a drink and then went to the service at 5 and then caught a bus back to the steakhouse from yesterday for dinner.
We’d intentionally caught a bus because Nikki wanted to catch a traditional English double-decker red bus, and yeah it was pretty fun. In the end, we didn’t even need to prepay for our tickets because it had a conductor that was fully like the Knight Bus who came up and sold us tickets, and also didn’t believe that I was eighteen because apparently I look so young. Dad’s genes (or so he claimed). We got to Trafalgar Square and walked up and around Leicester Square waiting until we were hungry enough to eat. And after Nikki went into one shop I decided it was time to stop that shit and eat.
The steak house does this amazing Stone Grill thing where they give you your steak partly cooked and give you a really, REALLY hot stone and you slice your steak, cook it, and it. That way, every bite is warm, and cooked exactly how you want it. And also, there’s a sort of novelty to cooking things on a rock that normally ends in Nikki or I cooking vegetables and potentially cutlery. After dinner, we walked down Coventry Street (I shit you not this place is a monopoly board) to the comedy store. It was stand up night =D So dad bought Nikki and I Bacardi and cokes and we sat down in what I consider the best seat in the house, and watched an awesome night of stand up. The comedians were fantastic, although there were some jokes that only English people could get, and basically the whole experience was fantastic.
After that it was late, so we just jumped on the tube and came home. Very long day. I don’t know how this post got so long…
Another day, another bowl of miel pops without milk, although in London we also have toast and eggs and stuff cooked for us so I had a fried egg and that was nice. We had a big day ready so we headed off through the underground into Green Park. We arrived at Buckingham Palace at around 11 to see the changing of the guard at 11:30 and oh my gosh it was the most boring thing in the world and we stood around just waiting for something to happen for ages. Eventually the guard changed, we took some photos and then rushed off because we wanted to hear Big Ben chime at 12, but all the streets were blocked and we could barely move. And then the queen drove past. And I can now tick “see the queen” off my bucket list. After she left, they let people cross roads but by that time it was too late for poor Ben so we crossed the river and went to our next stop; The London Eye.
The London Eye is basically the biggest ferris wheel ever and it takes half an hour to go round because it moves so slowly and from the top you can see the entirety of London. It is magnificent. And it took forty minutes to get to the front of the queue. But when we were up the top, we looked down, and the queue was gone. So yeah, we were pretty pissed. But it was gorgeous, none the less. After our trip on the Eye, we went to have lunch which was meant to be fish and chips but we passed this shop that sold hot dogs and they smelt so amazing that we immediately changed our plans. And dad made me eat some popcorn because I couldn’t eat the bread which was pretty awesome. The shop also had some amazing looking ice cream so I got white chocolate and coconut and they were fantastic.
Our plan was meant to be to catch a bus to St Paul’s Cathedral but when we looked at the bus routes we didn’t realise that the one we wanted was different depending on the direction and also you need to prepay for bus tickets and have exact change and dad didn’t have 2.30 in coins for each of us so we cut our losses and started walking. The walk took forever, mainly because Nikki kept wanting to stop and upon reflection we’d walked from like, before Buckingham Palace so our legs were a little stressed. We got to St Paul’s Cathedral at 4 o’clock and saw a café near it that looked really tempting so we had to make the choice which to visit first. We walked into the information centre next to the Cathedral and found out that it in fact closed at 4, so we’d missed it. But they had a service inside at 5 that we could go to for free (entry normally cost 15 pounds each, so this kind of seemed like a brilliant idea). So we stopped at the café for an hour and had a drink and then went to the service at 5 and then caught a bus back to the steakhouse from yesterday for dinner.
We’d intentionally caught a bus because Nikki wanted to catch a traditional English double-decker red bus, and yeah it was pretty fun. In the end, we didn’t even need to prepay for our tickets because it had a conductor that was fully like the Knight Bus who came up and sold us tickets, and also didn’t believe that I was eighteen because apparently I look so young. Dad’s genes (or so he claimed). We got to Trafalgar Square and walked up and around Leicester Square waiting until we were hungry enough to eat. And after Nikki went into one shop I decided it was time to stop that shit and eat.
The steak house does this amazing Stone Grill thing where they give you your steak partly cooked and give you a really, REALLY hot stone and you slice your steak, cook it, and it. That way, every bite is warm, and cooked exactly how you want it. And also, there’s a sort of novelty to cooking things on a rock that normally ends in Nikki or I cooking vegetables and potentially cutlery. After dinner, we walked down Coventry Street (I shit you not this place is a monopoly board) to the comedy store. It was stand up night =D So dad bought Nikki and I Bacardi and cokes and we sat down in what I consider the best seat in the house, and watched an awesome night of stand up. The comedians were fantastic, although there were some jokes that only English people could get, and basically the whole experience was fantastic.
After that it was late, so we just jumped on the tube and came home. Very long day. I don’t know how this post got so long…
Day four
So the day started later which was utterly fantastic and we ate some Miel Pops which probably had gluten in them but were mainly corn and honey so I didn’t care about the rest of the ingredients. We packed our suitcases and left them in the hotel room as we went to get breakfast, same place as yesterday. I had the same hot chocolate with whipped cream, still just as good, and this time a bacon omelette which was pretty sensational because the one thing guaranteed to make life better at any given time is bacon.
After that, Nikki did some more shopping and I did a lot of complaining before it was time to go back and check out of our hotel. From there we carried our suitcases down way too many sets of stairs to catch a train to the station where our train to London left. The train ride to London was gorgeous, across the French country side and then through the Chunnel. Thankfully, in London, our hotel is near the international train station, but we didn’t know quite where so we took an English cab to it. Unfortunately, our room wasn’t quite ready because the toilet is leaking :/ so we have to stay in some crappy room overnight. Tres depressing. We decided to abandon ship and catch a train to London where we basically walked through a monopoly board because all the streets have familiar names. We saw Big Ben and Buckingham Palace and Piccadily Circus and Victor Tower and the London Eye and all the gorgeous sites.
We passed this place called pret that make all this awesome food and then you just go in and pick up what you want so dad and I have salad and fruit salad in there and the Nikki went looking for food she actually liked and we ended up at a steakhouse that was really similar to stone grill and we decided we had to go back later. After dinner, we pretty much just went back and crashed.
After that, Nikki did some more shopping and I did a lot of complaining before it was time to go back and check out of our hotel. From there we carried our suitcases down way too many sets of stairs to catch a train to the station where our train to London left. The train ride to London was gorgeous, across the French country side and then through the Chunnel. Thankfully, in London, our hotel is near the international train station, but we didn’t know quite where so we took an English cab to it. Unfortunately, our room wasn’t quite ready because the toilet is leaking :/ so we have to stay in some crappy room overnight. Tres depressing. We decided to abandon ship and catch a train to London where we basically walked through a monopoly board because all the streets have familiar names. We saw Big Ben and Buckingham Palace and Piccadily Circus and Victor Tower and the London Eye and all the gorgeous sites.
We passed this place called pret that make all this awesome food and then you just go in and pick up what you want so dad and I have salad and fruit salad in there and the Nikki went looking for food she actually liked and we ended up at a steakhouse that was really similar to stone grill and we decided we had to go back later. After dinner, we pretty much just went back and crashed.
Thursday, 28 June 2012
Day three
So dad decided that today was a good day to let Nikki loose and allow her to shop, but first of all, breakfast! Today was the day that I got to eat my one piece of gluten for the city, so we had croissants for breakfast which were absolutely incredible. And I also had a hot chocolate with whipped cream that was just as incredible, ain’t life beautiful. Then we went to a shop called Desigual which was actually kind of awesome and Nikki bought a shirt and everyone was happy and we walked down the Champs Elysse to the Arc de Triomphe, which of course we had to walk up… because our legs weren’t hurting enough from the Eiffel Tower, but the views of Paris were gorgeous.
After that, we caught a taxi to some huge shopping centre which had ice cream in the shape of flowers (really the only thing going for a shopping centre…) And then we came home so I could talk to Damian before he went to bed <3
I guess we must all still be pretty tired because after that, and skyping mum, we all kind of crashed for a few hours and then woke up at 8 for dinner (the people here eat at 9, it’s nutty). Post dinner, we searched for some take away coffee, but starbucks and McCafe were both closed so we gave up and came home.
And home just meant sleeping which was glorious as always.
After that, we caught a taxi to some huge shopping centre which had ice cream in the shape of flowers (really the only thing going for a shopping centre…) And then we came home so I could talk to Damian before he went to bed <3
I guess we must all still be pretty tired because after that, and skyping mum, we all kind of crashed for a few hours and then woke up at 8 for dinner (the people here eat at 9, it’s nutty). Post dinner, we searched for some take away coffee, but starbucks and McCafe were both closed so we gave up and came home.
And home just meant sleeping which was glorious as always.
Wednesday, 27 June 2012
Day two
Woke up, showered, and went in search of breakfast which turned out to
be eggs again… go figure gluten intolerance. And then we started walking to the
Louvre, which was not very far away. It was sort of beautiful and the Mona Lisa
was bigger than I expected and the crowds were not as big… Which I guess says
something about how people change my expectations of things. We then went to
Notre Dame which was amazing as far as architecture goes, and like 849 years
old, but also kind of a church, which put a bit of a damper on things.
We also decided to see the Eiffel Tower at night, as we wanted to see
the lights... so we walked from our hotel, which took some time but we had heaps. We ate dinner along the way because dad saw a fancy restaraunt and wanted to be a fancy pants and then we finished walking to the tower. We got there at 9:30, and it was still light,so we watched the light show at 10 and then decided to climb it to see the lights of Paris at dusk. When we got down it was so it was dark and we got to see the lights
again in the darkness at 11 (they play the light show every hour). We got a taxi home and then completely crashed for the night :)
Day one
So I am currently in the beautiful city of Paris,
France, with my darling sister and father, at the start of a five week journey
through Europe, which I will attempt to document in a vague way on this blog. So
we left Syndey at 6:45pm on Saturday, ready to fly to Paris via Dubai via
Bangkok. We all managed to get a bit of sleep between Sydney and Dubai, but
when we left Dubai it was light outside so we found it difficult to sleep on
the next plane... which is quite unfortunate because when we left it was only
about 3am in France so we probably needed that little bit extra but yeah. There
were heaps of movies and TV shows and games on our flights, so we were
definitely not bored (I didn't even have to get out my sims!) And though we did
have WiFi from Dubai to Paris, it cost money so we didn't bother with it.
They kept feeding us on board (I was always served first because of my
special diet) and sometimes it felt like the only time I woke up was to eat.
But all in all I only managed about 6-7 hours of sleep which isn't really a
night's worth and it was spread over much more than a night... So now comes the
struggle to stay awake until a respectable time… Once we got to Paris and got
our luggage, we took forever figuring out how to get to our hotel and then
getting here from the train station, but some helpful locals showed us the way
:)
Once at our hotel, it became an immediate priority to shower for the
first time in 38 hours (and brush our teeth...yeah)
Then we had omelettes for dinner (mine with salad, dad’s and Nikki’s
with French fries, because you know, it’s France). And we all had to get coffee
because otherwise we wouldn’t stay awake but we did until 8:30 which we deemed
an acceptable time to sleep and we kind of crashed.... And slept for 12 hours.
Saturday, 9 June 2012
Unrequited ice cream
"Man, I was thinking about unrequited love. I figure it's best to just walk that shit off. Find someone else to be excited about. It's like if you love ice cream but your ice cream man friend won't give you any. Maybe he's got a good reason. It cuts into profits. Who knows? But he likes you as a friend and wants to hang out anyway. It just drives you crazy to hang out with that dude, even if he's being reasonable from his point of view. So don't hang out with him. What, you ONLY like ice cream? It's ice cream or nothing? Don't be an asshole. Learn to love donuts."
So here's the thing... I can't eat ice cream or donuts, you know? i guess that's all I'm trying to say...
So here's the thing... I can't eat ice cream or donuts, you know? i guess that's all I'm trying to say...
Saturday, 2 June 2012
Unfamiliar territory
Haven't used the real web address for blogger in so long, it has changed styles. How interesting.
Just a few things to rant about...
1. I am so over people telling me to put on weight. I get it. I don't eat. I can't eat. The food I can eat tastes disgusting and the food I can't eat is not worth getting sick over. I am aware that I have been losing weight for months now, and I seriously don't give a crap. I don't care that none of my muscles work properly or that I'm in pain all the time. So stop caring about my health, you are not my parents.
2. I sit here for hours and watch crap TV with you so you can feel appreciated and yet you never do. I don't know what else to do, you like watching TV, you asked me to come in and play bubble games with you. The one time you ask to do something else, I'm in the middle of helping people with homework. And yeah, if it was anything else I would drop it to hang out with you, but homework is important and exams start in six days and I will be free in less than two weeks so just chill out until then.
3. I don't know where social lines are and I think that means I cross them. Sometimes the things I think should really just stay in my head because I think everyone is getting the wrong idea from them. And speaking of wrong ideas, stop telling me what I think and how I feel; those are my decisions not yours and it's confusing for my mind to be told different things. I don't want to overthink these things but I don't really have a choice. And that upsets me.
4. Exams exams exams stress stress stress. Mechanics, complex number polynomials, integration, limits, inverse functions, enthalpy changes, redox reactions. ...I think that's all I need to learn this week. And that's less than half my exams. And 51 is a waste of a mark. So I should stress less. But I won't. This is just me....
Happy studying
Just a few things to rant about...
1. I am so over people telling me to put on weight. I get it. I don't eat. I can't eat. The food I can eat tastes disgusting and the food I can't eat is not worth getting sick over. I am aware that I have been losing weight for months now, and I seriously don't give a crap. I don't care that none of my muscles work properly or that I'm in pain all the time. So stop caring about my health, you are not my parents.
2. I sit here for hours and watch crap TV with you so you can feel appreciated and yet you never do. I don't know what else to do, you like watching TV, you asked me to come in and play bubble games with you. The one time you ask to do something else, I'm in the middle of helping people with homework. And yeah, if it was anything else I would drop it to hang out with you, but homework is important and exams start in six days and I will be free in less than two weeks so just chill out until then.
3. I don't know where social lines are and I think that means I cross them. Sometimes the things I think should really just stay in my head because I think everyone is getting the wrong idea from them. And speaking of wrong ideas, stop telling me what I think and how I feel; those are my decisions not yours and it's confusing for my mind to be told different things. I don't want to overthink these things but I don't really have a choice. And that upsets me.
4. Exams exams exams stress stress stress. Mechanics, complex number polynomials, integration, limits, inverse functions, enthalpy changes, redox reactions. ...I think that's all I need to learn this week. And that's less than half my exams. And 51 is a waste of a mark. So I should stress less. But I won't. This is just me....
Happy studying
Wednesday, 30 May 2012
Playing the game
And now we play the game of who would you tell? Because there has to be someone I can get it out of. Because I'm sure I'd want to know. Except I wouldn't. Because right now I can justify everything I do with ignorance. Because ignorance is bliss.
And it's amazing how I can make all these stories up in my head, how I can think I'm so fucking amazing and at the end of the day no one cares and I'm just hurting myself. Making up lies to hurt myself. How is this so?
And I try to get other people to go along with it so I can feel leas ridiculous, so I can tell myself there's some truth to my fallacy. And now everyone knows I'm crazy and conceited and nothing changes. Nothing ever changes. Life goes on.
But who would you tell?
Tuesday, 15 May 2012
Tuesday
Today I set two personal records, waking up not only the tiredest but also the coldest I've been first thing in the morning all year. I feel like this should be celebrated with a medal or a bullet to the head or something...
I've also achieved a more general achievement as today I am moving house for the third time in 12 months, so that's just dandy.
Tuesday, 1 May 2012
Bus rides
I've missed the celestial calm that comes from talking to you. Your slowness used to irritate me, forever waiting for you to get to the point, but now it intrigues me.
I like the way you draw out your sentences, and the revelation of such thought and intelligence in each word. I enjoy your carefully selected sentences, even the ones you cannot finish. And I enjoy finishing the ones you can't.
Good luck with everything, I guess I should've gotten your number or something to see how you go today, but I'll see you around. I always do.
Tuesday, 24 April 2012
Sunday, 15 April 2012
Spare time for thoughts
I finally have spare time! So I'm blogging from my phone, Grayson :) it's quite unusual for me lately to not be in extraordinarily large amounts of pain, so I have to take these opportunities when they arise. I don't really know what all the pain is from, like I can identify most pains, like stomach pain and leg pains, but then I have weird pains like back pains that just arrive out of nowhere and prevent me from moving. Such is life, I suppose...
I have been having a hard time adjusting to this... Not being able to eat, having to check ingredients of everything before I put it in my mouth. It's been saddening mostly... I don't want to be this person forever. I just want to be normal. But I've made some decisions about the future which make me feel optimistic.
I've also realised that I've made decisions and said things in the past which I've come to regret. Things I never thought I would regret, but they were decisions I made at tough times and I didn't feel I had a choice. I felt pressured and responsible for other people, and that's not fair to myself. I should focus more on myself and less on other people... Niceness is often my greatest downfall.
And I miss you. I miss being able to text you when I did something I was proud of, that you could put in perspective, or something that reminded me of you, something only you would understand. Missing you has made me realise how fortunate I am to have other people, and yet, somehow, I don't feel fortunate, I don't appreciate people, I wish they would just leave me alone and let me study...
Life is funny, isn't it?
Monday, 2 April 2012
Unwritten words
So I had this total post written and I was going to tell you how I feel and try and make sound as unstupid as possible and maybe it would make some sense if I wrote it down, and I just want to tell the world how incredible you are. But one day, I will trust you enough to let you read this, and I don't want you to realise how crazily obsessed with you I am. I don't really have anyone... And I would like you to be my anyone.
See I'm doing it anyway, I have to go before I say the things I know I can't.
Ps boys suck :-D
Saturday, 24 March 2012
People
I don't get people...
1. You get upset when I don't talk to you, but you don't want to talk to me. You tell me off when I don't hug you, but you pull away when I try. You tell me to spend time with you, not just everyone else, but I try to make plans with you, hours always busy and get angry at me for making plans at all. I don't want to give up on you. But I think I already have.
2. One day you skip two lectures to hang out with me, the next 0day you tell me that you can't handle me in big doses. You tell me that I drive you crazy, and then ask me to save you a seat so you can sit with me. I want to be close to you, I actually really like you. But I can't tell what you want, do you even want my friendship?
</rant>
Thursday, 22 March 2012
I'm still alive... Just
Just installed blogger on my phone, totally going to blog more often now. Preparing to lose all my battery on internet, maybe I should get a spare battery :)
Anyway yeah, I have a lot of raging to do, but I will do it all later. I hope you look forward to that.
Have a sunshiney day!
Wednesday, 8 February 2012
Realistic Expectations
Another tragically mushy blog.
I would not drive to the ends of the Earth for you. Setting aside the fact that the Earth has no end; my car is unreliable and it would probably break down a million miles from nowhere with no one to help me and no phone reception. I am more inclined to catch a commercial air flight to the nearest major city and call you to come and get me.
And I would not walk a thousand miles for you. I am terribly unfit and, due to my hatred of water, I would probably dehydrate or drop dead on the way there. But I would walk to your house on a hot day just so we can lie in the park together.
I would not move a mountain for you. The Earth’s tectonics are not to be messed with, particularly by an individual, and if you asked me to, I would probably think you’d gone mad. Perhaps I would move a small mound of dirt or something, if I had a wheelbarrow.
I would not catch a star for you. First of all, stars are not moving, and those that appear to be are actually meteoroids. Second of all, stars are very hot and I would get burned. Third of all, stars are very big and I am very weak, when I’m not with you. But I wish for you on them all the time.
I would not write a song for you. You hate love songs and I have no musical talent and you tell me off when I sing. I listen to love songs and think about you, though.
I would not find the pot of gold from the end of the rainbow for you. Rainbows are just the reflection of water in raindrops and they don’t even lead anywhere. But I will give you anything material that I can. .
I would not walk through hell for you. Hell does not exist, and if it did, I would not go there, and you would not ask me to. I would walk on hot sand though, to be by your side (really hot sand, not just a little bit hot).
I guess my point is, I don't have unrealistic expectations of our relationship. I am not as naive as I used to be. I don't want to spend forever with you, or even the rest of my life. But a good 30 years would be nice ;)
I would not drive to the ends of the Earth for you. Setting aside the fact that the Earth has no end; my car is unreliable and it would probably break down a million miles from nowhere with no one to help me and no phone reception. I am more inclined to catch a commercial air flight to the nearest major city and call you to come and get me.
And I would not walk a thousand miles for you. I am terribly unfit and, due to my hatred of water, I would probably dehydrate or drop dead on the way there. But I would walk to your house on a hot day just so we can lie in the park together.
I would not move a mountain for you. The Earth’s tectonics are not to be messed with, particularly by an individual, and if you asked me to, I would probably think you’d gone mad. Perhaps I would move a small mound of dirt or something, if I had a wheelbarrow.
I would not catch a star for you. First of all, stars are not moving, and those that appear to be are actually meteoroids. Second of all, stars are very hot and I would get burned. Third of all, stars are very big and I am very weak, when I’m not with you. But I wish for you on them all the time.
I would not write a song for you. You hate love songs and I have no musical talent and you tell me off when I sing. I listen to love songs and think about you, though.
I would not find the pot of gold from the end of the rainbow for you. Rainbows are just the reflection of water in raindrops and they don’t even lead anywhere. But I will give you anything material that I can. .
I would not walk through hell for you. Hell does not exist, and if it did, I would not go there, and you would not ask me to. I would walk on hot sand though, to be by your side (really hot sand, not just a little bit hot).
I guess my point is, I don't have unrealistic expectations of our relationship. I am not as naive as I used to be. I don't want to spend forever with you, or even the rest of my life. But a good 30 years would be nice ;)
Friday, 13 January 2012
My holiday
I wrote this 10 days ago and for some reason it didn't post. Ohh well, posting now
---
This is going to be an unusually mushy blog. Bare with it, it doesn't happen very often.
The best part of building a sandcastle with you is that you don't just put up with me. I once said that the perfect man would be able to deal with my perfectionism in building sandcastles. Which I suppose means that you are beyond perfect. Because you were more anal than I was about the slant of the castle wall, and the width of the moat. In fact, you cared so much about my castle, that you built me a wall. A wall so beautiful and big, it could withstand any wave. A wall that protected my castle in the same way you protect me, by wrapping itself around it.
The second best part of building a sandcastle with you is that when it is finished, you walk into the water,holding my hand. You will only go so far that oncoming waves just touch your knees, and no further. Which I take as excuse to throw wet sand at you, and you take as an excuse to throw it back. So we have a sand fight and I run further into the ocean to persuade you to join me; to go further than knee deep.
The third best part of building a sandcastle with you is that you are always full of surprises. So when I take those few steps further, expecting you to be too stubborn to get even your legs wet, you dive straight into the ocean. And I follow gradually, too scared to get wet too quickly as the water is far too cold. And you tell me to grow some balls and I remind you that they are not anatomically necessary for me. And you laugh and I smile and you smile and you kiss me. And I kiss you back.
The fourth best part of building a sandcastle with you is that once we've finished swimming and we're ready to go home, we jump on our castle. So some other little kids don't come and do it when we leave. And then we walk up the never ending sand holding hand whinging about the pain of walking on sand.
And now I'm back at home, without you. Without you hugs, your warm chest, the way you hold me when you play games. Without your smell, your eyes, the cute look you have when you blow me kisses.
Please never stop chasing me into the ocean, I don't ever want to stop chasing you.
---
This is going to be an unusually mushy blog. Bare with it, it doesn't happen very often.
The best part of building a sandcastle with you is that you don't just put up with me. I once said that the perfect man would be able to deal with my perfectionism in building sandcastles. Which I suppose means that you are beyond perfect. Because you were more anal than I was about the slant of the castle wall, and the width of the moat. In fact, you cared so much about my castle, that you built me a wall. A wall so beautiful and big, it could withstand any wave. A wall that protected my castle in the same way you protect me, by wrapping itself around it.
The second best part of building a sandcastle with you is that when it is finished, you walk into the water,holding my hand. You will only go so far that oncoming waves just touch your knees, and no further. Which I take as excuse to throw wet sand at you, and you take as an excuse to throw it back. So we have a sand fight and I run further into the ocean to persuade you to join me; to go further than knee deep.
The third best part of building a sandcastle with you is that you are always full of surprises. So when I take those few steps further, expecting you to be too stubborn to get even your legs wet, you dive straight into the ocean. And I follow gradually, too scared to get wet too quickly as the water is far too cold. And you tell me to grow some balls and I remind you that they are not anatomically necessary for me. And you laugh and I smile and you smile and you kiss me. And I kiss you back.
The fourth best part of building a sandcastle with you is that once we've finished swimming and we're ready to go home, we jump on our castle. So some other little kids don't come and do it when we leave. And then we walk up the never ending sand holding hand whinging about the pain of walking on sand.
And now I'm back at home, without you. Without you hugs, your warm chest, the way you hold me when you play games. Without your smell, your eyes, the cute look you have when you blow me kisses.
Please never stop chasing me into the ocean, I don't ever want to stop chasing you.
Sunday, 1 January 2012
Changing calendars
Happy new calendar year!
Because it's not a new year until I say so, a year is not defined by an arbitrary point in the Earth's orbit, rather, the calendar is.
My year will be defined when I feel that big changes are occurring. Usually, this is around February.
Still, I would like to at least attempt to formulate some resolutions, let us begin by reviewing resolutions of the past. Last year, I chose to formulate a life plan, rather than a list of resolutions. How did I go with that plan?
#1 Be happy.
Happiness is so complex that I can't say that I did or did not achieve it. At the moment, I am very happy, but I'm unsure as to whether that is due to external or internal factors. There are people in my life that make me happy, and people in my life that make me sad. Remaining positive through the sadness is perhaps all that is necessary. I don't feel positive because of the sadness, the sad will stay, and I am entirely pessimistic about it. But I believe there will be more happiness, and that is enough for me.
This year? No, this is not part of my life plan for this year. I believe happiness will come from doing the things I love with the people I love. But it cannot be "plan"ned.
#2 Try hard at school, but don't stress out.
I totally and completely achieved this, and I am 100% satisfied with how I went. Although there were times when I stressed a little too much, I think it helped me to ascertain my priorities. My results from the HSC were spectacular, and I think I eventually found a good balance.
This year? Definitely, this year I plan to try hard and not stress out too much. I think it will be easier working on a semester to semester plan, and having actually holidays, as I currently feel refreshed, and definitely burnt out a bit during the actual HSC.
#3 Get a licence. This must be done before the beginning of the footy season.
I did get my licence, although it was not before the footy season due to some personal problems. I may have failed my first test, but I think that was a life lesson :D
This year? I plan to get my greens before the year ends :)
#4 Earn money.
I did a lot of this. And also spent a lot on my David.
This year? Getting my scholarship recently has lowered the financial pressure, but I still want to earn a fair bit. I'm greedy, you know.
#5 Smile lots. Be optimistic. Life is actually a pretty big gift, enjoy it.
Overall, I have retained my optimism, although there was a chunk of the year where I felt a little helpless. Strong connections with friends helped me get through it and I'm totally thrilled to have so many wonderful people in my life.
This year? I'd generally like to be optimistic although I can foresee some events that may make that difficult. In fact, simply suggesting that it will be difficult already suggests a pessimistic attitude. But I will try. The world is my oyster, right?
#6 Appreciate time with friends. This is the last year I have a reason to see my people everyday, and after this, our relationship may be a struggle.
I definitely appreciated my time with them, a lot more than the year before. Since the HSC ended, it has been difficult to see them as much, but I don't think that has reduced our friendship at all.
This year? We have big plans on how to see each other, and although it may not always be possible to keep these plans, I believe out connection will remain. This is definitely onmylife plan for the year.
#7 Be a generally good person, but don't get too hung up on this. I've spent years feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone. It's ok to be a little bad every now and then.
...I still feel like I'm not good enough for anyone, so I supposed I've failed at this. But I'm still trying.
This year? Still on the list. Still trying
Have a great year!
Because it's not a new year until I say so, a year is not defined by an arbitrary point in the Earth's orbit, rather, the calendar is.
My year will be defined when I feel that big changes are occurring. Usually, this is around February.
Still, I would like to at least attempt to formulate some resolutions, let us begin by reviewing resolutions of the past. Last year, I chose to formulate a life plan, rather than a list of resolutions. How did I go with that plan?
#1 Be happy.
Happiness is so complex that I can't say that I did or did not achieve it. At the moment, I am very happy, but I'm unsure as to whether that is due to external or internal factors. There are people in my life that make me happy, and people in my life that make me sad. Remaining positive through the sadness is perhaps all that is necessary. I don't feel positive because of the sadness, the sad will stay, and I am entirely pessimistic about it. But I believe there will be more happiness, and that is enough for me.
This year? No, this is not part of my life plan for this year. I believe happiness will come from doing the things I love with the people I love. But it cannot be "plan"ned.
#2 Try hard at school, but don't stress out.
I totally and completely achieved this, and I am 100% satisfied with how I went. Although there were times when I stressed a little too much, I think it helped me to ascertain my priorities. My results from the HSC were spectacular, and I think I eventually found a good balance.
This year? Definitely, this year I plan to try hard and not stress out too much. I think it will be easier working on a semester to semester plan, and having actually holidays, as I currently feel refreshed, and definitely burnt out a bit during the actual HSC.
#3 Get a licence. This must be done before the beginning of the footy season.
I did get my licence, although it was not before the footy season due to some personal problems. I may have failed my first test, but I think that was a life lesson :D
This year? I plan to get my greens before the year ends :)
#4 Earn money.
I did a lot of this. And also spent a lot on my David.
This year? Getting my scholarship recently has lowered the financial pressure, but I still want to earn a fair bit. I'm greedy, you know.
#5 Smile lots. Be optimistic. Life is actually a pretty big gift, enjoy it.
Overall, I have retained my optimism, although there was a chunk of the year where I felt a little helpless. Strong connections with friends helped me get through it and I'm totally thrilled to have so many wonderful people in my life.
This year? I'd generally like to be optimistic although I can foresee some events that may make that difficult. In fact, simply suggesting that it will be difficult already suggests a pessimistic attitude. But I will try. The world is my oyster, right?
#6 Appreciate time with friends. This is the last year I have a reason to see my people everyday, and after this, our relationship may be a struggle.
I definitely appreciated my time with them, a lot more than the year before. Since the HSC ended, it has been difficult to see them as much, but I don't think that has reduced our friendship at all.
This year? We have big plans on how to see each other, and although it may not always be possible to keep these plans, I believe out connection will remain. This is definitely onmylife plan for the year.
#7 Be a generally good person, but don't get too hung up on this. I've spent years feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone. It's ok to be a little bad every now and then.
...I still feel like I'm not good enough for anyone, so I supposed I've failed at this. But I'm still trying.
This year? Still on the list. Still trying
Have a great year!
Thursday, 15 December 2011
The tank of life
Listening to the songs I used to play to feel the moods I used to love and driving the streets that never seemed to end. Oh how things change, don't they? Because now the songs make me feel so much more, and the moods make me feel a little sick to the stomach. Now, the street is over before the song reaches the second verse. Now, the drive home is one I make with reluctance. The drive home doesn't even take me to a place that feels like home.
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Why am I adopting you all? Why am I trying so hard for people to like me? Why does everyone else's opinion matter more to me than my own? I should stop listening, and start thinking and feeling.
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Even when I'm mad at you, you're the one who makes me stop crying, you're the one i want to hug, I naturally move closer to you. I hate that you have so much control over me, I hate that I do anything for you, but I love that you make me so happy. I'll keep trying if you keep trying <3
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What a beautiful day to be an Ebony... everything is going so well, the sun is shining, the tank is clean.
Ever so clean.
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Why am I adopting you all? Why am I trying so hard for people to like me? Why does everyone else's opinion matter more to me than my own? I should stop listening, and start thinking and feeling.
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Even when I'm mad at you, you're the one who makes me stop crying, you're the one i want to hug, I naturally move closer to you. I hate that you have so much control over me, I hate that I do anything for you, but I love that you make me so happy. I'll keep trying if you keep trying <3
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What a beautiful day to be an Ebony... everything is going so well, the sun is shining, the tank is clean.
Ever so clean.
Sunday, 4 December 2011
Wait...
I always think it's going to be different. After I finish school, after I turn 18, after work, after Christmas; things will change. Maybe in the new year I'll be a new person with new priorities, maybe I'll do the things I've always wanted to do. Maybe nothing will change. Maybe the days keep rolling over, blending into each other. An endless haze of sleep and computer games. I'm waiting for the change that never comes. The eternal wait. I'm waiting on you.
"I don't like goodbyes, I like see you next times. Even if next time doesn't come.
I like hope. Fruitless hope."
"I don't like goodbyes, I like see you next times. Even if next time doesn't come.
I like hope. Fruitless hope."
Doing Something
What's wrong with me? Why do you want me to be different? I actually like me now, I love me, but you don't. what don't you like about me? why do you want me to be something that I'm not? Why don't you like me?
---
And you're right, there isn't a right thing for everyone, I can't do anything that will be perfect for everyone. But I still want to be utilitarian. Is what's best for me the best thing? Yeah, I have to do something. But what?
...I can't do this for much longer.
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Counting down the minutes until I can leave... what a wonderful way to live
---
And you're right, there isn't a right thing for everyone, I can't do anything that will be perfect for everyone. But I still want to be utilitarian. Is what's best for me the best thing? Yeah, I have to do something. But what?
...I can't do this for much longer.
---
Counting down the minutes until I can leave... what a wonderful way to live
Monday, 21 November 2011
The Journery
I'm sort of a little bit excited about the next chapter of my life.
And I don't even just mean the next few months (although that will be totally awesome too). But the next four years, and whatever happens after that.
I'm excited to be an Adult and to go to uni and take control of my life. I'm excited to go places and do things and become the person I've always wanted to be. I'm excited to make decisions about what I want for the future, and choose a path that will take me to it.
Happiness isn't a destination, it's a journey, and I think I'm on my way there.
---
So the HSC is over and I have my life back (back? Implying I ever had one? Stretching the truth just a little there). And, I turned 18, and now I have opportunities. I have a new laptop which is yet to be named (although I'm steering towards Sam) and the world is sitting at my feet asking me what I want to do. It's freeing and empowering at the same time.
...I feel good xD
---
Exams were good, exam stress was bad. But overall, I'm happy with how I did, and I happily await my results inDecember too long away. Sorry for neglecting you so much, my dear blog (trust me, I neglected others too), I'll try to be around a little more now.
DFTBA.
And I don't even just mean the next few months (although that will be totally awesome too). But the next four years, and whatever happens after that.
I'm excited to be an Adult and to go to uni and take control of my life. I'm excited to go places and do things and become the person I've always wanted to be. I'm excited to make decisions about what I want for the future, and choose a path that will take me to it.
Happiness isn't a destination, it's a journey, and I think I'm on my way there.
---
So the HSC is over and I have my life back (back? Implying I ever had one? Stretching the truth just a little there). And, I turned 18, and now I have opportunities. I have a new laptop which is yet to be named (although I'm steering towards Sam) and the world is sitting at my feet asking me what I want to do. It's freeing and empowering at the same time.
...I feel good xD
---
Exams were good, exam stress was bad. But overall, I'm happy with how I did, and I happily await my results in
DFTBA.
Friday, 7 October 2011
You're the beauty I put my energy into
It's weird seeing all of you in a row like that, each a little part of my personality. The way you talk, way you think, way you view the world. I never knew I could find myself in so many other people. But I suppose, I should have known, right? Of course I should have known.
And I worry about you, you say things that make me want to tear my hair out, because, you think you should be someone other than who you are, but you shouldn't, you don't need to be me, even though I think, sortt of, that's what you want. You are great being you. And you won't listen when I try to you stuff like that, and you're basically having the exact opposite problems to me, and I want to tell you that my grass isn't very green, but you still think it's greener than yours. Maybe it is, maybe I'm just ungrateful, I wouldn't be surprised if that were the case. But I care about you, and I want you to like the grass you live on, you have plenty of time to find different pastures.
"Somedays it seems to me like the purpose of life is to convert energy into beauty. And I know that's not true, I know that that's not rationally true, but somedays, it's ok for things to not be rationally true."
And I worry about you, you say things that make me want to tear my hair out, because, you think you should be someone other than who you are, but you shouldn't, you don't need to be me, even though I think, sortt of, that's what you want. You are great being you. And you won't listen when I try to you stuff like that, and you're basically having the exact opposite problems to me, and I want to tell you that my grass isn't very green, but you still think it's greener than yours. Maybe it is, maybe I'm just ungrateful, I wouldn't be surprised if that were the case. But I care about you, and I want you to like the grass you live on, you have plenty of time to find different pastures.
"Somedays it seems to me like the purpose of life is to convert energy into beauty. And I know that's not true, I know that that's not rationally true, but somedays, it's ok for things to not be rationally true."
Saturday, 1 October 2011
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I haven’t blogged in a while. I would say that I’ve been busy, but honestly, I’ve been living. Not excessively, like, I don’t have a life or anything, but, I’ve been talking to people for the first time in a while, which is really nice because I’m about hide in a hole for six weeks whilst I study for the death that is the HSC.
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Food for thought:
"While the Thirty years War was heating up - a war that would lay waste to all of central Europe - this man was seeking peace, order, clarity and absolute, ultimate certainty about himself and the world. first, he established a rule that he would not consider anything true that could not be recognized clearly and distinctly. And he cast doubt on everything that could be open to doubt. He would not trust his eyes, nor any of his other senses; it was too easy to be led astray. He groped his way forward skeptically. Even thinking could not be relied on. Maybe an evil demon was distorting his thoughts. But wait - isn't there something that lies beyond any doubt? If I cast doubt on everything, he thought, I cannot doubt that I am doubting, and that I am the one doing the doubting. and if I know while doubting it is I who am doubting, i must be thinking that I doubt. There is thus an undoubtable certainty, a first principle that precedes all others: I think, therefore I am!"-Who Am I? And if so, how many? by Richard David Precht
I was living in your house and I was driving your car and I was living your life; the life you left behind. Did I appreciate it as much as you would? Do I appreciate the time I spend with your children? If you could be here now, what would you do? What would you say? If I could give it all back to you, I would. But I know you didn't want it anymore. You didn't want your life without her and I can understand that. Your devotion to each other was a beautiful thing to see, the way you would tell each other off and chase each other around; always joking but never too much. It would be nice to know someone that well, to be able to know what they want, what they think without ever having to ask. I miss your voice, I miss your smell. I miss you.
"We don't wanna sleep
Just wanna stay up
There's so much to say
And not enough hours in the day
We'll laugh 'til we cry
Read each others minds
Live with a smile
Make it all worthwhile" - Aly & AJ
I never thought of myself as one of the broken people. I never knew that I fit the description that I so obviously search for. I didn't realise that I was incapable of believing in happiness. It took you telling me today that I am only happy on the outside, it took me admitting that I don't believe I have the potential to be happy forever, for me to see that I'm not all sunshine and lollipops. And I want to be, I so want to be. I want to be so much that I've convinced myself I am. Turns out I've been lying to myself all along
"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?"
-Epicurus
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.
Food for thought:
"While the Thirty years War was heating up - a war that would lay waste to all of central Europe - this man was seeking peace, order, clarity and absolute, ultimate certainty about himself and the world. first, he established a rule that he would not consider anything true that could not be recognized clearly and distinctly. And he cast doubt on everything that could be open to doubt. He would not trust his eyes, nor any of his other senses; it was too easy to be led astray. He groped his way forward skeptically. Even thinking could not be relied on. Maybe an evil demon was distorting his thoughts. But wait - isn't there something that lies beyond any doubt? If I cast doubt on everything, he thought, I cannot doubt that I am doubting, and that I am the one doing the doubting. and if I know while doubting it is I who am doubting, i must be thinking that I doubt. There is thus an undoubtable certainty, a first principle that precedes all others: I think, therefore I am!"-Who Am I? And if so, how many? by Richard David Precht
I was living in your house and I was driving your car and I was living your life; the life you left behind. Did I appreciate it as much as you would? Do I appreciate the time I spend with your children? If you could be here now, what would you do? What would you say? If I could give it all back to you, I would. But I know you didn't want it anymore. You didn't want your life without her and I can understand that. Your devotion to each other was a beautiful thing to see, the way you would tell each other off and chase each other around; always joking but never too much. It would be nice to know someone that well, to be able to know what they want, what they think without ever having to ask. I miss your voice, I miss your smell. I miss you.
"We don't wanna sleep
Just wanna stay up
There's so much to say
And not enough hours in the day
We'll laugh 'til we cry
Read each others minds
Live with a smile
Make it all worthwhile" - Aly & AJ
I never thought of myself as one of the broken people. I never knew that I fit the description that I so obviously search for. I didn't realise that I was incapable of believing in happiness. It took you telling me today that I am only happy on the outside, it took me admitting that I don't believe I have the potential to be happy forever, for me to see that I'm not all sunshine and lollipops. And I want to be, I so want to be. I want to be so much that I've convinced myself I am. Turns out I've been lying to myself all along
"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?"
-Epicurus
Friday, 19 August 2011
It's half timing and the other half's luck
Everyone always says that you don't see the end coming. That you don't know it's the end, and then suddenly, there it is; things stop. You never remember the last part, you don't realise it's the last, you never saw it coming. But, what about when you know? Is there another set of special rules that apply to the end you see coming? Is there something I should particularly be thinking or doing? A tear I should not shed? A word I should not utter? Is there something I can say to change everything? And, if I do, will it not always be, somehow changed? Is it worth the words I have to say to make you stay? Or is the mere existence of the words sign enough that you should go? Maybe, it's time. I didn't even realise, I never knew, you never said.
---
I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up then I let myself down
I tried so very hard not to loose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought, I thought of every possibility
---
Those terrible tears that can only come in solitude. The scream that no one else can hear or they would think your life is ending.And maybe it is. The tears that bring with them the running nose and puffy red eyes and friends asking "are you ok?" and strangers giving you weird looks from the car next to you at the lights. The tears reserved for you and only you. Every time you break my heart. I say that like you do it out of routine. And maybe you do. And I'm telling myself that I can write this without you reading it. I'm telling myself that you'll never know how much hurt me. Or that I think you're worth it. But of course, you will read every word. Because you stay where you always stay; far enough away to hurt, but close enough to never forget.
---
I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up then I let myself down
I tried so very hard not to loose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought, I thought of every possibility
---
Those terrible tears that can only come in solitude. The scream that no one else can hear or they would think your life is ending.
Tuesday, 16 August 2011
But you'll never be more wanted
And it's nice, you know? Talking to you is just nice. Every conversation feels like it should have a backing track with grand music and violins. I look at our messages to each other and just sit here smiling. This is comfortable and beautiful for the first time in a long time.
The awkward moment when you trial hsc takes away all of your spare time and you feel all your friendships crumbly away.
I feel so distanced from everyone in my life at the moment. I'm really glad I have some time off now to just chill, I really need it. Our whole grade needs it I guess. We haven't taken a break in like, a year. It feels good to destress.
I feel so distanced from everyone in my life at the moment. I'm really glad I have some time off now to just chill, I really need it. Our whole grade needs it I guess. We haven't taken a break in like, a year. It feels good to destress.
At least tonight,
It's just you and me and honestly
That's everything I need
I'm sorry I let you down. He's right. I should just admit that nI stuffed up and buy you some flowers or something. Is it my stubbornness that stops me from doing that? Or is it a deeper resentment towards you that you can't accept me for who I am, you can't you like me like this. You want me to change.
I'm so tired of feeling like I have to change for you. I don't want to be ashamed of myself simply because I didn't turn out the way you want me to. This is who I am. Which is as much to do with you as it with me. It's too late for you to want me to be anything else. The only thing that can change me now, is me.
He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better
He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine
But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you
My computer, Ella, crashed so I'm on mum's laptop now which means I have no pictures. Many words, many songs, but no pictures. I did back Ella up, but I'm not sure where the external hardrive ended up in the move. Eventually, I will sort my life out, I promise. Until then... have a song.
Everyone's changing, I stay the same
I'm... a solo cello outside a chor-us
I've got a secret,
It's time for me to tell that you've been keeping me warm
Just sweet beginnings and bitter en-dings
In coffee city, we borrowed hea-ven
Don't give it back, I've never felt so wanted
Are you taking me home?
You tell me you have to go...
In the heat of summer sunshine
I miss you like nobody else
In the heat of summer sunshine
I kiss you, and nobody needs to know
Now that you've left me, there's no retur-ning
I keep comparing, you're always win-ning
I try to be strong but you'll never be more wanted
Will you make me at home?
Don't tell me you have to go...
In the heat of summer sunshine
I miss you like nobody else
In the heat of summer sunshine
I kiss you, and nobody needs to know
Ya da... ya da... ya da
To sweet beginnings and bitter en-dings
In coffee city, we borrowed hea-ven
Don't give it back
Winter is coming and I need to stay warm
The heat.....
In the heat of summer sunshine
I miss you like nobody else
In the heat of summer sunshine
I kiss you, and nobody needs to know
I'm sorry I let you down. He's right. I should just admit that nI stuffed up and buy you some flowers or something. Is it my stubbornness that stops me from doing that? Or is it a deeper resentment towards you that you can't accept me for who I am, you can't you like me like this. You want me to change.
I'm so tired of feeling like I have to change for you. I don't want to be ashamed of myself simply because I didn't turn out the way you want me to. This is who I am. Which is as much to do with you as it with me. It's too late for you to want me to be anything else. The only thing that can change me now, is me.
He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better
He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine
But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you
My computer, Ella, crashed so I'm on mum's laptop now which means I have no pictures. Many words, many songs, but no pictures. I did back Ella up, but I'm not sure where the external hardrive ended up in the move. Eventually, I will sort my life out, I promise. Until then... have a song.
Everyone's changing, I stay the same
I'm... a solo cello outside a chor-us
I've got a secret,
It's time for me to tell that you've been keeping me warm
Just sweet beginnings and bitter en-dings
In coffee city, we borrowed hea-ven
Don't give it back, I've never felt so wanted
Are you taking me home?
You tell me you have to go...
In the heat of summer sunshine
I miss you like nobody else
In the heat of summer sunshine
I kiss you, and nobody needs to know
Now that you've left me, there's no retur-ning
I keep comparing, you're always win-ning
I try to be strong but you'll never be more wanted
Will you make me at home?
Don't tell me you have to go...
In the heat of summer sunshine
I miss you like nobody else
In the heat of summer sunshine
I kiss you, and nobody needs to know
Ya da... ya da... ya da
To sweet beginnings and bitter en-dings
In coffee city, we borrowed hea-ven
Don't give it back
Winter is coming and I need to stay warm
The heat.....
In the heat of summer sunshine
I miss you like nobody else
In the heat of summer sunshine
I kiss you, and nobody needs to know
Wednesday, 3 August 2011
The happy life
Ok, so yeah, I got facebook. Whatever. Not a big deal. I haven't been morally opposed to it for over a year now or anything. It's all cool.
So I have trials in less than a week. And I don't know anything. Which is a discovery I have made quite recently. In fact, I mainly don't know anything about physics. Which is really quite worrying. But whatever, life happens, you know?
So I will bid you adieu and continue to study.
I just wanted to reassure everyone that I haven't yet killed myself from the stress of year12 (but I make no guarantees for the future).
I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl
And you're married now
I heard that your dreams came true
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over
Never mind I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah
You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised in a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.
Never mind I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Nothing compares, no worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes, they are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Never mind I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"
So I have trials in less than a week. And I don't know anything. Which is a discovery I have made quite recently. In fact, I mainly don't know anything about physics. Which is really quite worrying. But whatever, life happens, you know?
So I will bid you adieu and continue to study.
I just wanted to reassure everyone that I haven't yet killed myself from the stress of year12 (but I make no guarantees for the future).
I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl
And you're married now
I heard that your dreams came true
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over
Never mind I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah
You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised in a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.
Never mind I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Nothing compares, no worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes, they are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Never mind I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"
Wednesday, 8 June 2011
only my internet has issues
So I suppose it has been a while since I blogged. That tends to be what I do. I’ve been meaning to blog for a while now, but I’ve been having Internet issues, plus I always feel guilty for blogging instead of studying considering I have 7 assessments in a 4 week window. But life’s too short to study, right? …or something like that.
So life has been going on as it is so prone to do, and I have found myself in a bit of a black hole of misery, as I am so prone to do. I mean, I still enjoy life, I’m still glad to wake up in the morning, I still like going to school; I just burst into tears at inconvenient times and have half of my teachers thinking I’m depressed, which may or may not be true. I mean, honestly, you know you’ve got problems when you listen to Taylor Swift songs on loop. Although I suppose that can be said for many other artists, too.
So, I uh, yeah, have some issues I suppose. I’m feeling very Holden Caulfield of late. It’s weird and slightly terrifying to think that I am perhaps the happiest person living under my roof.
---
When you make it seem like you value my opinion, I feel like a more credible human being. When you search me out to tell me that you want to talk to me, I feel like my presence is valued. Sometimes I think you’re the closest thing I have to a friend. I am so pathetic :)
---
Sometimes you act like I am a really important part of your life, and sometimes you don’t even care about me. Is it silly to miss you when you stop replying to my messages? Is it pathetic that I am always the initiator of our conversations? Do you actually like talking to me, or are you just too nice to say you don’t; maybe you can just tell that I need you.
---
And speaking of needing people… do you still read this? Do you still know that I need you? That I miss you? That I want you in my life? Or have you also moved on in this big scary world and left me behind? I know we said we can’t be friends yet, but it would be nice to hear from you again.
---
And somehow I can’t imagine being able to survive this without the knowledge that you are for me, you are here in my life, you are here by side, if not always physically, then metaphorically. You are my hug at the end of a long day, you are my cure to the tears, you are the smile that disappears far too often from my face.
------
sorry, Internet is too laggy for pictures. Have a good day.
So life has been going on as it is so prone to do, and I have found myself in a bit of a black hole of misery, as I am so prone to do. I mean, I still enjoy life, I’m still glad to wake up in the morning, I still like going to school; I just burst into tears at inconvenient times and have half of my teachers thinking I’m depressed, which may or may not be true. I mean, honestly, you know you’ve got problems when you listen to Taylor Swift songs on loop. Although I suppose that can be said for many other artists, too.
So, I uh, yeah, have some issues I suppose. I’m feeling very Holden Caulfield of late. It’s weird and slightly terrifying to think that I am perhaps the happiest person living under my roof.
---
When you make it seem like you value my opinion, I feel like a more credible human being. When you search me out to tell me that you want to talk to me, I feel like my presence is valued. Sometimes I think you’re the closest thing I have to a friend. I am so pathetic :)
---
Sometimes you act like I am a really important part of your life, and sometimes you don’t even care about me. Is it silly to miss you when you stop replying to my messages? Is it pathetic that I am always the initiator of our conversations? Do you actually like talking to me, or are you just too nice to say you don’t; maybe you can just tell that I need you.
---
And speaking of needing people… do you still read this? Do you still know that I need you? That I miss you? That I want you in my life? Or have you also moved on in this big scary world and left me behind? I know we said we can’t be friends yet, but it would be nice to hear from you again.
---
And somehow I can’t imagine being able to survive this without the knowledge that you are for me, you are here in my life, you are here by side, if not always physically, then metaphorically. You are my hug at the end of a long day, you are my cure to the tears, you are the smile that disappears far too often from my face.
------
sorry, Internet is too laggy for pictures. Have a good day.
Sunday, 22 May 2011
How Much I Want To Hold You
"Perhaps it is ridiculous to think that you'll never feel further than your nerve endings... but even I know that the best love letters lack form or shape, but are given in glances and gestures; the sad smile across the canopées; the tighter grip on your hand to keep the panic attack at bay."
This is like, the best quote I have ever seen.
Having said that, I will now inundate you with beautiful quotes:
"Take the distance from the depths of the deepest ocean
to the surface of pluto
and multiply by as far as you can count
and you'll still be nowhere near
you'll still have no idea
how much I want to hold you" - Eddplant - Less Than Three
“Weltschmerz. It’s the depression you feel when the world as it is does not line up with the world as you think it should be… Because everyone thinks it should be possible to just keep falling and falling forever, to feel the rush of air on your face as you fall, that air pulling your face into a brilliant goddamned smile. And that should be possible. You should be able to fall forever.” - Will Grayson, Will Grayson
"Because you mention suicide to other people, and they say “you can’t do that.” And you laugh to yourself and think, “oh, yes, I can.” Because here’s the truth that everyone pretends is a lie. If you wanted to, you could quit your job today and pack all your bags and leave town. Or if you wanted to, you could get into a bar fight, get arrested, and then flick off the camera when they are taking your mug shot. Or if you wanted to, you could eat rat poison or put a gun to your mouth. And people always ask, “why?” but some people always ask “why not?,” and that’s when you have a problem, as far as society is concerned. But see, I belong to the later category, and although society is concerned, I am not concerned about society… or anything, as a matter of fact. "
And I fucking miss you, and Justin Bieber stole the song that I can no longer associate with the beautiful memory of the part of you that I hope beyond all else is still mine to keep. And I wish I could say that I still know you because I still want to know you so much, and I search everywhere looking for someone like you and when I get remotely close I get my stupid hopes up again, only to find out that they don't have your impeccable taste in music or flawless selflessness or beauty in viewing the world that falls apart around you.
I wish I could say that I no longer have a need for a person like you in my life, but the truth is that I am so broken, and I am falling apart and I keep clinging on to people that I think I'm close to and they all push me away so hard that it hurts. And you don't push. Or at least, you didn't. And if you're still the person I can cling to without being pushed away, I want you back.
And perhaps, even if you are not, I would still like to know who you are now.
"And for some reason I am typing this out to the universe because I don't have the courage to say anything to the actual person"
This is like, the best quote I have ever seen.
Having said that, I will now inundate you with beautiful quotes:
"Take the distance from the depths of the deepest ocean
to the surface of pluto
and multiply by as far as you can count
and you'll still be nowhere near
you'll still have no idea
how much I want to hold you" - Eddplant - Less Than Three
“Weltschmerz. It’s the depression you feel when the world as it is does not line up with the world as you think it should be… Because everyone thinks it should be possible to just keep falling and falling forever, to feel the rush of air on your face as you fall, that air pulling your face into a brilliant goddamned smile. And that should be possible. You should be able to fall forever.” - Will Grayson, Will Grayson
"Because you mention suicide to other people, and they say “you can’t do that.” And you laugh to yourself and think, “oh, yes, I can.” Because here’s the truth that everyone pretends is a lie. If you wanted to, you could quit your job today and pack all your bags and leave town. Or if you wanted to, you could get into a bar fight, get arrested, and then flick off the camera when they are taking your mug shot. Or if you wanted to, you could eat rat poison or put a gun to your mouth. And people always ask, “why?” but some people always ask “why not?,” and that’s when you have a problem, as far as society is concerned. But see, I belong to the later category, and although society is concerned, I am not concerned about society… or anything, as a matter of fact. "
And I fucking miss you, and Justin Bieber stole the song that I can no longer associate with the beautiful memory of the part of you that I hope beyond all else is still mine to keep. And I wish I could say that I still know you because I still want to know you so much, and I search everywhere looking for someone like you and when I get remotely close I get my stupid hopes up again, only to find out that they don't have your impeccable taste in music or flawless selflessness or beauty in viewing the world that falls apart around you.
I wish I could say that I no longer have a need for a person like you in my life, but the truth is that I am so broken, and I am falling apart and I keep clinging on to people that I think I'm close to and they all push me away so hard that it hurts. And you don't push. Or at least, you didn't. And if you're still the person I can cling to without being pushed away, I want you back.
And perhaps, even if you are not, I would still like to know who you are now.
"And for some reason I am typing this out to the universe because I don't have the courage to say anything to the actual person"
Monday, 9 May 2011
Under my skin
You are right, and I know you are right as I walk away and your voice fades from my mind like a distant memory as I shush you with my constantly nodding head.
I don't know what this 'spirit' is you all speak of but I am coming to believe that I have perhaps lost it.
I don't even notice that I'm sad anymore. What do I have to be sad about now?
This is not a circumstance, this is how it is.
This is how it will always be.
---
If you worry about how you look when you smile, you are doing it wrong.
---
We're all doing it wrong.
I have realised recently that when I look at photos, I can't tell if people are beautiful, or just happy.
Clearly, as an overanalyser, I believe that this says something about me on a deeper level. But that could all be bullshit.
---
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better.
And any time you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
---
I feel so alone sometimes.
I want to just talk to someone, but there's no one there sometimes.
I feel like there's someone missing.
I don't even remember who it is.
I don't even remember who I am.
If you would come back, I might remember.
---
I heard a song today that reminded me of you. And I cried.
---
So I guess I just still haven't found what I'm looking for...
I'll keep you posted.
I don't know what this 'spirit' is you all speak of but I am coming to believe that I have perhaps lost it.
I don't even notice that I'm sad anymore. What do I have to be sad about now?
This is not a circumstance, this is how it is.
This is how it will always be.
---
If you worry about how you look when you smile, you are doing it wrong.
---
We're all doing it wrong.
I have realised recently that when I look at photos, I can't tell if people are beautiful, or just happy.
Clearly, as an overanalyser, I believe that this says something about me on a deeper level. But that could all be bullshit.
---
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better.
And any time you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
---
I feel so alone sometimes.
I want to just talk to someone, but there's no one there sometimes.
I feel like there's someone missing.
I don't even remember who it is.
I don't even remember who I am.
---
I heard a song today that reminded me of you. And I cried.
---
So I guess I just still haven't found what I'm looking for...
I'll keep you posted.
Sunday, 1 May 2011
Intelligent Life
If we pretend that everything is ok for long enough, maybe eventually everything will be ok.
Oh hang on, I see a slight flaw in that logic.
Oh well, no one will notice.
So I'm pretending that everything is ok; we both are.
We're pretending that it's possible for us to live together, simply because you want me to need you and I don't want to disappoint you.
We're pretending that everything is going to stay ok, and that you're not at all tempted to throw me out of your house.
We're pretending that we care about what each other want.
We're pretending that we're not both terribly selfish people.
"Let's pretend everything's fine
Put on our fake smiles and keep wasting our time
Let's pretend we're fine
Go out in style and come home in denial"
I feel like talking to you is my way to escape everything
I can just sit and talk to you and tell you everything
And sure, sometimes I feel a little stupid, and I feel like the stuff I'm telling you is petty
But you tell me that it's ok that it's a big deal
You tell me that it's ok to be selfish
That I should care about what happens to me in my life
That I deserve good things
And sometimes, I even believe you
"Here I go again
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
Coz I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams"
You tell me that I am selfish, and have all the good things I deserve
You say that I am a bad person, that you are better
You tell me that I complain about something insignificant
That I am making too big a deal of things
You see my pain as petty
And it is
But so is crying over boys
At least you have a home to go to at the end of the day
"There are times when all the world's asleep,
the questions run too deep
for such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am."
In the deepest, most distant part of my mind, I think I can almost recall a sort of happiness, but I'm not sure if it's a memory or a fantasy
Have I been happy?
Or do I just wish I was?
I still look up every time the door opens and expect to see you walking through
Remember when you used to whistle?
Fuck I miss that
The only reason I didn't go and talk to is because everytime I talk to you I feel like I should kiss you. And I don't have time to feel like that anymore.
Life tip: If you say everything with a smile, no one realises that you feel like crying ;)
Oh hang on, I see a slight flaw in that logic.
Oh well, no one will notice.
So I'm pretending that everything is ok; we both are.
We're pretending that it's possible for us to live together, simply because you want me to need you and I don't want to disappoint you.
We're pretending that everything is going to stay ok, and that you're not at all tempted to throw me out of your house.
We're pretending that we care about what each other want.
We're pretending that we're not both terribly selfish people.
"Let's pretend everything's fine
Put on our fake smiles and keep wasting our time
Let's pretend we're fine
Go out in style and come home in denial"
I feel like talking to you is my way to escape everything
I can just sit and talk to you and tell you everything
And sure, sometimes I feel a little stupid, and I feel like the stuff I'm telling you is petty
But you tell me that it's ok that it's a big deal
You tell me that it's ok to be selfish
That I should care about what happens to me in my life
That I deserve good things
And sometimes, I even believe you
"Here I go again
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
Coz I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams"
You tell me that I am selfish, and have all the good things I deserve
You say that I am a bad person, that you are better
You tell me that I complain about something insignificant
That I am making too big a deal of things
You see my pain as petty
And it is
But so is crying over boys
"There are times when all the world's asleep,
the questions run too deep
for such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am."
In the deepest, most distant part of my mind, I think I can almost recall a sort of happiness, but I'm not sure if it's a memory or a fantasy
Have I been happy?
Or do I just wish I was?
I still look up every time the door opens and expect to see you walking through
Remember when you used to whistle?
Fuck I miss that
The only reason I didn't go and talk to is because everytime I talk to you I feel like I should kiss you. And I don't have time to feel like that anymore.
Life tip: If you say everything with a smile, no one realises that you feel like crying ;)
Tuesday, 19 April 2011
Monsters
I haven't blogged in forever because I'm scared of the little monsters in my head that I always tend to release when I write blogs (yes Ebony, those monsters are honesty).
And he said this was my ranting space, and I said this is the space I get to be me, and maybe it's a mix of the two. Because I like feeling... things. And to rant is to feel things as much as one possibly can and this is where I can be me and I can be a little closer to ok.
Because, at this very moment in time, I am so many lightyears away from ok.
Because my mum is not talking to me me, and my sister is sleeping because she's sick.
And I miss my dad so much.
He could fix everything.
He could fix me.
I didn't lie in bed and cry myself to sleep when I said goodnight to him.
...I got to say goodnight to him.
Fuck I miss that.
I miss falling asleep on his lap watching Friday Night Football because 10pm was late for me but I couldn't tear myself away from the comfort of his hugs.
I feel like all I do in life is disappoint people and let people down and completely fail at everything. I do not know if it is possible to fail at the act of life, but if it is, I think I have failed. Having said that, I think the test is too hard because I haven't learnt this stuff yet, and no one told me it would be in the test. I didn't know it would be like this. I didn't know that I didn't have an option. It's so hard not to feel alone sometimes.
I do know that you love me and that you think I'm special and that you will always be here for me when I need and that means so much to me. But sometimes when I see you with her and I see the smile I can't bring to your face so easily anymore, something inside of me hurts, and I want her to go away. I want everything to go back to normal.
I'm sorry I can't be happy that you're happy.
I'm sorry I'm insecure and imperfect.
I'm working on it.
And he said this was my ranting space, and I said this is the space I get to be me, and maybe it's a mix of the two. Because I like feeling... things. And to rant is to feel things as much as one possibly can and this is where I can be me and I can be a little closer to ok.
Because, at this very moment in time, I am so many lightyears away from ok.
Because my mum is not talking to me me, and my sister is sleeping because she's sick.
And I miss my dad so much.
He could fix everything.
He could fix me.
I didn't lie in bed and cry myself to sleep when I said goodnight to him.
...I got to say goodnight to him.
Fuck I miss that.
I miss falling asleep on his lap watching Friday Night Football because 10pm was late for me but I couldn't tear myself away from the comfort of his hugs.
I feel like all I do in life is disappoint people and let people down and completely fail at everything. I do not know if it is possible to fail at the act of life, but if it is, I think I have failed. Having said that, I think the test is too hard because I haven't learnt this stuff yet, and no one told me it would be in the test. I didn't know it would be like this. I didn't know that I didn't have an option. It's so hard not to feel alone sometimes.
I do know that you love me and that you think I'm special and that you will always be here for me when I need and that means so much to me. But sometimes when I see you with her and I see the smile I can't bring to your face so easily anymore, something inside of me hurts, and I want her to go away. I want everything to go back to normal.
I'm sorry I can't be happy that you're happy.
I'm sorry I'm insecure and imperfect.
I'm working on it.
Friday, 15 April 2011
Thursday, 24 March 2011
Just one look
Half yearlys start tomorrow, so clearly the logical thing for me to be doing right now is blogging. But, I am actually quite good at having things done on time, we leaves me way too much time to procrastinate later. I'm always overly prepared for exams and end up spending the whole week reading or playing Sims or something. I'm going to try and avoid that this year.
I'm sort of excited for exams, I like seeing how much I know, but at the same time I'm scared that I'm actually a lot stupider than I realise and I'm going to do crap at everything.
Oh well, life goes on, right?
One of these days
Gonna tell him I dream of him every night
One of these days
Gonna show him I care, gonna teach him a lesson alright
Funny how quick the milk turns sour, isn't it, isn't it ?
Your face has been looking like that for hours, hasn't it, hasn'tit?
Promises, promises turn to dust
Wedding bells just turn to rust
Trust into mis-trust
"And if you knew just how I felt, you could kill me, with just one look."
And that scares me more than anything else in the world.
I'm sort of excited for exams, I like seeing how much I know, but at the same time I'm scared that I'm actually a lot stupider than I realise and I'm going to do crap at everything.
Oh well, life goes on, right?
One of these days
Gonna tell him I dream of him every night
One of these days
Gonna show him I care, gonna teach him a lesson alright
Funny how quick the milk turns sour, isn't it, isn't it ?
Your face has been looking like that for hours, hasn't it, hasn'tit?
Promises, promises turn to dust
Wedding bells just turn to rust
Trust into mis-trust
"And if you knew just how I felt, you could kill me, with just one look."
And that scares me more than anything else in the world.
Thursday, 17 March 2011
Cynic
Sort of can't figure out what I'm living for. In the worst sort of way.
I know that I have been through crap in the past. The world is not ending. I am okay. But I feel uncontrollable sadness.
I want so much to be friends with my mum.
And when I say friends, I mean it.
I don't think, I actually need her as a maternal figure.
I don't think I need that.
She cries and tells me that I don't need her anymore.
And I feel guilty and I cry and I hug her and I tell her that of course I need her.
But I question it; I question myself, I question her
Perhaps, I don't need her as such.
Perhaps, I could live without her?
And she goes on all the time about how I should spend time with her because she's my family but I don't even have a fucking family anymore
And then Nikki lies on my bed as she so often does at night,
And she cries in a way I was not sure she was capable of.
Because, she has so much sadness in her.
And I have so little.
And she needs me so much.
And she doesn't think I need her as much.
So I feel like I don't need anyone.
But I feel so lonely sometimes.
I feel like there's someone missing in my life.
And I want them back. =S
I'm starting to think that maybe it's me
So, yeah, moving on to more procrastination... I wrote a short story today that I actually like (I've written 6 or 7 by now and they all suck, so me liking it is quite an achievement)
If you can bothered reading about a cynical girl and a homeless boy, this is their story:
Ellis was annoyed, tired and stressed as she began her journey home from the train station, equipped with her heavy bag and oversized blazer that her Nazi school made her wear. She walked down the side of the car park and glanced at the rows of cars that had as little variation in colour as their owners did in personality. She snorted as she saw identical businessmen race to their cars as if getting home thirty seconds earlier would save their lives. Perhaps she was a cynic, for she saw little beauty in the world or its occupants and had no desire to change this view.
As she scanned across the cars, something caught her eye that was out of the ordinary. A young boy, around her age, was scrubbing his feet with a bar of soap and the tap against the car park wall. As she stared at him, he looked up and caught her eye for a glimpse of a second before she quickly averted her gaze and pretended to be looking at the trees. She turned down the narrow path that took her home and sighed with the impatience of a teenager who was not yet old enough to drive. “Excuse me” she heard and the barefoot boy ran in front of her, carrying his soap bar and scrubbing brush in a small plastic bag. As soon as he was a few paces ahead of, he slowed to her speed, “sorry” he added, as if running around her had inconvenienced her in some way. “Well, not really” he grumbled as he quickened his pace.
Ellis saw ahead a small tent with a blanket poking out that had never been there before, and considered the possibility that this was his destination. “You don’t have to be,” she called from behind him, “sorry, I mean”. He turned around and smiled at her,
“Society dictates that I must” he replied with unusual sophistication for someone who had washed their feet at a train station car park, and continued walking towards the tent.
“Yeah, well, I never listen much to what society dictates” she muttered as the curious boy took a quick step into the tent, and returned without his soap or brush.
“I’m Ellis” she said and held out her hand which he took in his.
“As in, L-S?” he asked grinning.
“Something like that”, she smiled.
“I’m Jay” he released her hand and she felt something that vaguely resembled disappointment.
“As in, J?” she asked, mimicking his previous grin
“As in, it was all my ma got out before she died” his smile did not fade, and Ellis wondered if his lack of concern for his mother’s death was genuine or just a pretence, “It could’ve been Jason, or Jayden, or Jamie; but all she managed was ‘Jay’, so here I stand”
“So I guess I’m beating you by a whole letter” she joked
“And, judging by that blazer, about 3000 classes of society” he added, raising his eyebrows
“I thought I’d already mentioned how little I cared for society” and she sat down next to the tent and gestured for him to join her
It was remarkable, thought Ellis, that she could spend all day with people she’d known for her entire life, and yet not feel connected to them in the same way that she did here with this perfect stranger. Remarkable, too, that his life interested her more than any class at school. At school, she learnt about all the different people in the world, but never thought about who they were, what their stories were
“Do you have a home?” she asked, a little more seriously.
“Of course I do,” Jay grinned again “it’s right here” and he placed his hand against his heart, “we’ve all got some sort of home, don’t we?”
“I suppose” she replied, wondering whether the four walls that surrounded her for most of her life could be considered a ‘home’.
The pair sat on the grass outside the tent for many hours, talking about the world and how horribly depressing the both found it. Ellis noticed a sparkle in Jay’s soft blue eyes as he spoke, that she’d never seen in anyone else. She wondered, only for a moment, what her mum would think of her sitting near a car park talking to a homeless boy, and the thought brought a mischievous smile to her face. Eventually, the sun began to set and she decided to make her way home to put a dent in the piles of homework she’d been given that day.
As she walked up her garden path for the seventy-fourth time that year, she noticed what she had never before seen. The four walls that she had been thinking of mere hours ago as not resembling a home, now appealed to her in new light. She had a home, which was more than she could say for Jay. She had a family too, and as annoying and selfish and heartless they could be, they were alive and they loved her. Her keys made a familiar jingle as they turned in the lock and she stepped inside with the realisation that, for the first time in a long time, she was home.
I know that I have been through crap in the past. The world is not ending. I am okay. But I feel uncontrollable sadness.
I want so much to be friends with my mum.
And when I say friends, I mean it.
I don't think, I actually need her as a maternal figure.
I don't think I need that.
She cries and tells me that I don't need her anymore.
And I feel guilty and I cry and I hug her and I tell her that of course I need her.
But I question it; I question myself, I question her
Perhaps, I don't need her as such.
Perhaps, I could live without her?
And then Nikki lies on my bed as she so often does at night,
And she cries in a way I was not sure she was capable of.
Because, she has so much sadness in her.
And I have so little.
And she needs me so much.
And she doesn't think I need her as much.
So I feel like I don't need anyone.
But I feel so lonely sometimes.
I feel like there's someone missing in my life.
And I want them back. =S
So, yeah, moving on to more procrastination... I wrote a short story today that I actually like (I've written 6 or 7 by now and they all suck, so me liking it is quite an achievement)
If you can bothered reading about a cynical girl and a homeless boy, this is their story:
Ellis was annoyed, tired and stressed as she began her journey home from the train station, equipped with her heavy bag and oversized blazer that her Nazi school made her wear. She walked down the side of the car park and glanced at the rows of cars that had as little variation in colour as their owners did in personality. She snorted as she saw identical businessmen race to their cars as if getting home thirty seconds earlier would save their lives. Perhaps she was a cynic, for she saw little beauty in the world or its occupants and had no desire to change this view.
As she scanned across the cars, something caught her eye that was out of the ordinary. A young boy, around her age, was scrubbing his feet with a bar of soap and the tap against the car park wall. As she stared at him, he looked up and caught her eye for a glimpse of a second before she quickly averted her gaze and pretended to be looking at the trees. She turned down the narrow path that took her home and sighed with the impatience of a teenager who was not yet old enough to drive. “Excuse me” she heard and the barefoot boy ran in front of her, carrying his soap bar and scrubbing brush in a small plastic bag. As soon as he was a few paces ahead of, he slowed to her speed, “sorry” he added, as if running around her had inconvenienced her in some way. “Well, not really” he grumbled as he quickened his pace.
Ellis saw ahead a small tent with a blanket poking out that had never been there before, and considered the possibility that this was his destination. “You don’t have to be,” she called from behind him, “sorry, I mean”. He turned around and smiled at her,
“Society dictates that I must” he replied with unusual sophistication for someone who had washed their feet at a train station car park, and continued walking towards the tent.
“Yeah, well, I never listen much to what society dictates” she muttered as the curious boy took a quick step into the tent, and returned without his soap or brush.
“I’m Ellis” she said and held out her hand which he took in his.
“As in, L-S?” he asked grinning.
“Something like that”, she smiled.
“I’m Jay” he released her hand and she felt something that vaguely resembled disappointment.
“As in, J?” she asked, mimicking his previous grin
“As in, it was all my ma got out before she died” his smile did not fade, and Ellis wondered if his lack of concern for his mother’s death was genuine or just a pretence, “It could’ve been Jason, or Jayden, or Jamie; but all she managed was ‘Jay’, so here I stand”
“So I guess I’m beating you by a whole letter” she joked
“And, judging by that blazer, about 3000 classes of society” he added, raising his eyebrows
“I thought I’d already mentioned how little I cared for society” and she sat down next to the tent and gestured for him to join her
It was remarkable, thought Ellis, that she could spend all day with people she’d known for her entire life, and yet not feel connected to them in the same way that she did here with this perfect stranger. Remarkable, too, that his life interested her more than any class at school. At school, she learnt about all the different people in the world, but never thought about who they were, what their stories were
“Do you have a home?” she asked, a little more seriously.
“Of course I do,” Jay grinned again “it’s right here” and he placed his hand against his heart, “we’ve all got some sort of home, don’t we?”
“I suppose” she replied, wondering whether the four walls that surrounded her for most of her life could be considered a ‘home’.
The pair sat on the grass outside the tent for many hours, talking about the world and how horribly depressing the both found it. Ellis noticed a sparkle in Jay’s soft blue eyes as he spoke, that she’d never seen in anyone else. She wondered, only for a moment, what her mum would think of her sitting near a car park talking to a homeless boy, and the thought brought a mischievous smile to her face. Eventually, the sun began to set and she decided to make her way home to put a dent in the piles of homework she’d been given that day.
As she walked up her garden path for the seventy-fourth time that year, she noticed what she had never before seen. The four walls that she had been thinking of mere hours ago as not resembling a home, now appealed to her in new light. She had a home, which was more than she could say for Jay. She had a family too, and as annoying and selfish and heartless they could be, they were alive and they loved her. Her keys made a familiar jingle as they turned in the lock and she stepped inside with the realisation that, for the first time in a long time, she was home.
Thursday, 10 March 2011
The others
Yeha, yeah, blah, blah, I ignore my blog because I'm in year 12, half yearlys in 2 weeks, etc etc. Ok, let's move on now. =)
(Yeah, moving on doesn't mean I have any more time, and no I'm not writing anything, but oh look, pretty pictures! What a nice distraction!)
Be good <3
(Yeah, moving on doesn't mean I have any more time, and no I'm not writing anything, but oh look, pretty pictures! What a nice distraction!)
Be good <3
Wednesday, 2 March 2011
Giggly and stupid
Ok, seriously people, if you don't want to read my blog, DON'T READ IT. Don't read it and then whinge to me that I talk about sex too much (one time, seriously, one time!)
At least three people have mentioned to me recently that they read my blog for the first time in forever recently, and then preceded to complain about it.
Go away. I do not want you here.
That is all.
(Pay no attention to my squirtiness as this post goes on)
I don't know if I want other people to be happy. I don't know if I want to be a nice person. I don't know why I should stop being selfish. Because, why shouldn't I be happy? And bad shit happens to good people so often, that it's hardly worth being good.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do, or who I'm supposed to be. I just want to be happy, you know?
You are so incredibly beautiful and I wish I could tell you that often enough that you would start to believe me. I wish you could see what I see when I look at you. I wish I could see what you see when you look at me.
I think we're good for each other (and so does my mum?) because I think we can make each other see that.
I feel like a burden on everyone in my life because all I want to do is talk about you, and I'm sure that's the most annoying thing in the world. But I am me when I'm with you. And when I don't remember who I am, I think of you. I'm sorry if I talk about you too much, it's just that, I love you.
You give me the giggly, stupid smile that Nikki says makes me look like I'm soft centered. Holding your hand makes me happy in an over-the-top way. I start missing you before you even leave. Sometimes I sit on Nikki's bed and start smiling and she knows straight away that I'm thinking of you. But I'm always thinking of you. You have taken permanent residence in my mind and I don't want you to leave. I don't want to give up this feeling. Ever.
Goodbye sunshines.
At least three people have mentioned to me recently that they read my blog for the first time in forever recently, and then preceded to complain about it.
Go away. I do not want you here.
That is all.
(Pay no attention to my squirtiness as this post goes on)
I don't know if I want other people to be happy. I don't know if I want to be a nice person. I don't know why I should stop being selfish. Because, why shouldn't I be happy? And bad shit happens to good people so often, that it's hardly worth being good.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do, or who I'm supposed to be. I just want to be happy, you know?
You are so incredibly beautiful and I wish I could tell you that often enough that you would start to believe me. I wish you could see what I see when I look at you. I wish I could see what you see when you look at me.
I think we're good for each other (and so does my mum?) because I think we can make each other see that.
I feel like a burden on everyone in my life because all I want to do is talk about you, and I'm sure that's the most annoying thing in the world. But I am me when I'm with you. And when I don't remember who I am, I think of you. I'm sorry if I talk about you too much, it's just that, I love you.
You give me the giggly, stupid smile that Nikki says makes me look like I'm soft centered. Holding your hand makes me happy in an over-the-top way. I start missing you before you even leave. Sometimes I sit on Nikki's bed and start smiling and she knows straight away that I'm thinking of you. But I'm always thinking of you. You have taken permanent residence in my mind and I don't want you to leave. I don't want to give up this feeling. Ever.
Goodbye sunshines.
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