People

I don't get people...

1. You get upset when I don't talk to you, but you don't want to talk to me. You tell me off when I don't hug you, but you pull away when I try. You tell me to spend time with you, not just everyone else, but I try to make plans with you, hours always busy and get angry at me for making plans at all. I don't want to give up on you. But I think I already have.

2. One day you skip two lectures to hang out with me, the next 0day you tell me that you can't handle me in big doses. You tell me that I drive you crazy, and then ask me to save you a seat so you can sit with me. I want to be close to you, I actually really like you. But I can't tell what you want, do you even want my friendship?

</rant>

I'm still alive... Just

Just installed blogger on my phone, totally going to blog more often now. Preparing to lose all my battery on internet, maybe I should get a spare battery :)
Anyway yeah, I have a lot of raging to do, but I will do it all later. I hope you look forward to that.

Have a sunshiney day!

Realistic Expectations

Another tragically mushy blog.
I would not drive to the ends of the Earth for you. Setting aside the fact that the Earth has no end; my car is unreliable and it would probably break down a million miles from nowhere with no one to help me and no phone reception. I am more inclined to catch a commercial air flight to the nearest major city and call you to come and get me.

And I would not walk a thousand miles for you. I am terribly unfit and, due to my hatred of water, I would probably dehydrate or drop dead on the way there. But I would walk to your house on a hot day just so we can lie in the park together.

I would not move a mountain for you. The Earth’s tectonics are not to be messed with, particularly by an individual, and if you asked me to, I would probably think you’d gone mad. Perhaps I would move a small mound of dirt or something, if I had a wheelbarrow.

I would not catch a star for you. First of all, stars are not moving, and those that appear to be are actually meteoroids. Second of all, stars are very hot and I would get burned. Third of all, stars are very big and I am very weak, when I’m not with you. But I wish for you on them all the time.

I would not write a song for you. You hate love songs and I have no musical talent and you tell me off when I sing. I listen to love songs and think about you, though.

I would not find the pot of gold from the end of the rainbow for you. Rainbows are just the reflection of water in raindrops and they don’t even lead anywhere. But I will give you anything material that I can. .

I would not walk through hell for you. Hell does not exist, and if it did, I would not go there, and you would not ask me to. I would walk on hot sand though, to be by your side (really hot sand, not just a little bit hot).


I guess my point is, I don't have unrealistic expectations of our relationship. I am not as naive as I used to be. I don't want to spend forever with you, or even the rest of my life. But a good 30 years would be nice ;)

My holiday

I wrote this 10 days ago and for some reason it didn't post. Ohh well, posting now

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This is going to be an unusually mushy blog. Bare with it, it doesn't happen very often.

The best part of building a sandcastle with you is that you don't just put up with me. I once said that the perfect man would be able to deal with my perfectionism in building sandcastles. Which I suppose means that you are beyond perfect. Because you were more anal than I was about the slant of the castle wall, and the width of the moat. In fact, you cared so much about my castle, that you built me a wall. A wall so beautiful and big, it could withstand any wave. A wall that protected my castle in the same way you protect me, by wrapping itself around it.

The second best part of building a sandcastle with you is that when it is finished, you walk into the water,holding my hand. You will only go so far that oncoming waves just touch your knees, and no further. Which I take as excuse to throw wet sand at you, and you take as an excuse to throw it back. So we have a sand fight and I run further into the ocean to persuade you to join me; to go further than knee deep.

The third best part of building a sandcastle with you is that you are always full of surprises. So when I take those few steps further, expecting you to be too stubborn to get even your legs wet, you dive straight into the ocean. And I follow gradually, too scared to get wet too quickly as the water is far too cold. And you tell me to grow some balls and I remind you that they are not anatomically necessary for me. And you laugh and I smile and you smile and you kiss me. And I kiss you back.

The fourth best part of building a sandcastle with you is that once we've finished swimming and we're ready to go home, we jump on our castle. So some other little kids don't come and do it when we leave. And then we walk up the never ending sand holding hand whinging about the pain of walking on sand.

And now I'm back at home, without you. Without you hugs, your warm chest, the way you hold me when you play games. Without your smell, your eyes, the cute look you have when you blow me kisses.

Please never stop chasing me into the ocean, I don't ever want to stop chasing you.

Changing calendars

Happy new calendar year!
Because it's not a new year until I say so, a year is not defined by an arbitrary point in the Earth's orbit, rather, the calendar is.
My year will be defined when I feel that big changes are occurring. Usually, this is around February.
Still, I would like to at least attempt to formulate some resolutions, let us begin by reviewing resolutions of the past. Last year, I chose to formulate a life plan, rather than a list of resolutions. How did I go with that plan?

#1 Be happy.
Happiness is so complex that I can't say that I did or did not achieve it. At the moment, I am very happy, but I'm unsure as to whether that is due to external or internal factors. There are people in my life that make me happy, and people in my life that make me sad. Remaining positive through the sadness is perhaps all that is necessary. I don't feel positive because of the sadness, the sad will stay, and I am entirely pessimistic about it. But I believe there will be more happiness, and that is enough for me.
This year? No, this is not part of my life plan for this year. I believe happiness will come from doing the things I love with the people I love. But it cannot be "plan"ned.

#2 Try hard at school, but don't stress out.
I totally and completely achieved this, and I am 100% satisfied with how I went. Although there were times when I stressed a little too much, I think it helped me to ascertain my priorities. My results from the HSC were spectacular, and I think I eventually found a good balance.
This year? Definitely, this year I plan to try hard and not stress out too much. I think it will be easier working on a semester to semester plan, and having actually holidays, as I currently feel refreshed, and definitely burnt out a bit during the actual HSC.

#3 Get a licence. This must be done before the beginning of the footy season.
I did get my licence, although it was not before the footy season due to some personal problems. I may have failed my first test, but I think that was a life lesson :D
This year? I plan to get my greens before the year ends :)

#4 Earn money.
I did a lot of this. And also spent a lot on my David.
This year? Getting my scholarship recently has lowered the financial pressure, but I still want to earn a fair bit. I'm greedy, you know.

#5 Smile lots. Be optimistic. Life is actually a pretty big gift, enjoy it.
Overall, I have retained my optimism, although there was a chunk of the year where I felt a little helpless. Strong connections with friends helped me get through it and I'm totally thrilled to have so many wonderful people in my life.
This year? I'd generally like to be optimistic although I can foresee some events that may make that difficult. In fact, simply suggesting that it will be difficult already suggests a pessimistic attitude. But I will try. The world is my oyster, right?

#6 Appreciate time with friends. This is the last year I have a reason to see my people everyday, and after this, our relationship may be a struggle.
I definitely appreciated my time with them, a lot more than the year before. Since the HSC ended, it has been difficult to see them as much, but I don't think that has reduced our friendship at all.
This year? We have big plans on how to see each other, and although it may not always be possible to keep these plans, I believe out connection will remain. This is definitely onmylife plan for the year.

#7 Be a generally good person, but don't get too hung up on this. I've spent years feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone. It's ok to be a little bad every now and then.
...I still feel like I'm not good enough for anyone, so I supposed I've failed at this. But I'm still trying.
This year? Still on the list. Still trying

Have a great year!

The tank of life

Listening to the songs I used to play to feel the moods I used to love and driving the streets that never seemed to end. Oh how things change, don't they? Because now the songs make me feel so much more, and the moods make me feel a little sick to the stomach. Now, the street is over before the song reaches the second verse. Now, the drive home is one I make with reluctance. The drive home doesn't even take me to a place that feels like home.

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Why am I adopting you all? Why am I trying so hard for people to like me? Why does everyone else's opinion matter more to me than my own? I should stop listening, and start thinking and feeling.

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Even when I'm mad at you, you're the one who makes me stop crying, you're the one i want to hug, I naturally move closer to you. I hate that you have so much control over me, I hate that I do anything for you, but I love that you make me so happy. I'll keep trying if you keep trying <3

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What a beautiful day to be an Ebony... everything is going so well, the sun is shining, the tank is clean.
Ever so clean.

Wait...

I always think it's going to be different. After I finish school, after I turn 18, after work, after Christmas; things will change. Maybe in the new year I'll be a new person with new priorities, maybe I'll do the things I've always wanted to do. Maybe nothing will change. Maybe the days keep rolling over, blending into each other. An endless haze of sleep and computer games. I'm waiting for the change that never comes. The eternal wait. I'm waiting on you.




















"I don't like goodbyes, I like see you next times. Even if next time doesn't come.
I like hope. Fruitless hope."

Doing Something

What's wrong with me? Why do you want me to be different? I actually like me now, I love me, but you don't. what don't you like about me? why do you want me to be something that I'm not? Why don't you like me?

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And you're right, there isn't a right thing for everyone, I can't do anything that will be perfect for everyone. But I still want to be utilitarian. Is what's best for me the best thing? Yeah, I have to do something. But what?
...I can't do this for much longer.

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Counting down the minutes until I can leave... what a wonderful way to live

The Journery

I'm sort of a little bit excited about the next chapter of my life.
And I don't even just mean the next few months (although that will be totally awesome too). But the next four years, and whatever happens after that.
I'm excited to be an Adult and to go to uni and take control of my life. I'm excited to go places and do things and become the person I've always wanted to be. I'm excited to make decisions about what I want for the future, and choose a path that will take me to it.
Happiness isn't a destination, it's a journey, and I think I'm on my way there.

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So the HSC is over and I have my life back (back? Implying I ever had one? Stretching the truth just a little there). And, I turned 18, and now I have opportunities. I have a new laptop which is yet to be named (although I'm steering towards Sam) and the world is sitting at my feet asking me what I want to do. It's freeing and empowering at the same time.
...I feel good xD

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Exams were good, exam stress was bad. But overall, I'm happy with how I did, and I happily await my results in December too long away. Sorry for neglecting you so much, my dear blog (trust me, I neglected others too), I'll try to be around a little more now.

DFTBA.

You're the beauty I put my energy into

It's weird seeing all of you in a row like that, each a little part of my personality. The way you talk, way you think, way you view the world. I never knew I could find myself in so many other people. But I suppose, I should have known, right? Of course I should have known.

And I worry about you, you say things that make me want to tear my hair out, because, you think you should be someone other than who you are, but you shouldn't, you don't need to be me, even though I think, sortt of, that's what you want. You are great being you. And you won't listen when I try to you stuff like that, and you're basically having the exact opposite problems to me, and I want to tell you that my grass isn't very green, but you still think it's greener than yours. Maybe it is, maybe I'm just ungrateful, I wouldn't be surprised if that were the case. But I care about you, and I want you to like the grass you live on, you have plenty of time to find different pastures.

"Somedays it seems to me like the purpose of life is to convert energy into beauty. And I know that's not true, I know that that's not rationally true, but somedays, it's ok for things to not be rationally true."

I doubt, therefore I might be.

I haven’t blogged in a while. I would say that I’ve been busy, but honestly, I’ve been living. Not excessively, like, I don’t have a life or anything, but, I’ve been talking to people for the first time in a while, which is really nice because I’m about hide in a hole for six weeks whilst I study for the death that is the HSC.

.
.
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Food for thought:
"While the Thirty years War was heating up - a war that would lay waste to all of central Europe - this man was seeking peace, order, clarity and absolute, ultimate certainty about himself and the world. first, he established a rule that he would not consider anything true that could not be recognized clearly and distinctly. And he cast doubt on everything that could be open to doubt. He would not trust his eyes, nor any of his other senses; it was too easy to be led astray. He groped his way forward skeptically. Even thinking could not be relied on. Maybe an evil demon was distorting his thoughts. But wait - isn't there something that lies beyond any doubt? If I cast doubt on everything, he thought, I cannot doubt that I am doubting, and that I am the one doing the doubting. and if I know while doubting it is I who am doubting, i must be thinking that I doubt. There is thus an undoubtable certainty, a first principle that precedes all others: I think, therefore I am!"-Who Am I? And if so, how many? by Richard David Precht



I was living in your house and I was driving your car and I was living your life; the life you left behind. Did I appreciate it as much as you would? Do I appreciate the time I spend with your children? If you could be here now, what would you do? What would you say? If I could give it all back to you, I would. But I know you didn't want it anymore. You didn't want your life without her and I can understand that. Your devotion to each other was a beautiful thing to see, the way you would tell each other off and chase each other around; always joking but never too much. It would be nice to know someone that well, to be able to know what they want, what they think without ever having to ask. I miss your voice, I miss your smell. I miss you.



"We don't wanna sleep
Just wanna stay up
There's so much to say
And not enough hours in the day

We'll laugh 'til we cry
Read each others minds
Live with a smile
Make it all worthwhile" - Aly & AJ










I never thought of myself as one of the broken people. I never knew that I fit the description that I so obviously search for. I didn't realise that I was incapable of believing in happiness. It took you telling me today that I am only happy on the outside, it took me admitting that I don't believe I have the potential to be happy forever, for me to see that I'm not all sunshine and lollipops. And I want to be, I so want to be. I want to be so much that I've convinced myself I am. Turns out I've been lying to myself all along










"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?"
-Epicurus

It's half timing and the other half's luck

Everyone always says that you don't see the end coming. That you don't know it's the end, and then suddenly, there it is; things stop. You never remember the last part, you don't realise it's the last, you never saw it coming. But, what about when you know? Is there another set of special rules that apply to the end you see coming? Is there something I should particularly be thinking or doing? A tear I should not shed? A word I should not utter? Is there something I can say to change everything? And, if I do, will it not always be, somehow changed? Is it worth the words I have to say to make you stay? Or is the mere existence of the words sign enough that you should go? Maybe, it's time. I didn't even realise, I never knew, you never said.

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I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to loose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought, I thought of every possibility

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Those terrible tears that can only come in solitude. The scream that no one else can hear or they would think your life is ending. And maybe it is. The tears that bring with them the running nose and puffy red eyes and friends asking "are you ok?" and strangers giving you weird looks from the car next to you at the lights. The tears reserved for you and only you. Every time you break my heart. I say that like you do it out of routine. And maybe you do. And I'm telling myself that I can write this without you reading it. I'm telling myself that you'll never know how much hurt me. Or that I think you're worth it. But of course, you will read every word. Because you stay where you always stay; far enough away to hurt, but close enough to never forget.

But you'll never be more wanted

And it's nice, you know? Talking to you is just nice. Every conversation feels like it should have a backing track with grand music and violins. I look at our messages to each other and just sit here smiling. This is comfortable and beautiful for the first time in a long time.

The awkward moment when you trial hsc takes away all of your spare time and you feel all your friendships crumbly away.
I feel so distanced from everyone in my life at the moment. I'm really glad I have some time off now to just chill, I really need it. Our whole grade needs it I guess. We haven't taken a break in like, a year. It feels good to destress.

At least tonight,

It's just you and me and honestly

That's everything I need


I'm sorry I let you down. He's right. I should just admit that nI stuffed up and buy you some flowers or something. Is it my stubbornness that stops me from doing that? Or is it a deeper resentment towards you that you can't accept me for who I am, you can't you like me like this. You want me to change.
I'm so tired of feeling like I have to change for you. I don't want to be ashamed of myself simply because I didn't turn out the way you want me to. This is who I am. Which is as much to do with you as it with me. It's too late for you to want me to be anything else. The only thing that can change me now, is me.


He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better
He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine

But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you


My computer, Ella, crashed so I'm on mum's laptop now which means I have no pictures. Many words, many songs, but no pictures. I did back Ella up, but I'm not sure where the external hardrive ended up in the move. Eventually, I will sort my life out, I promise. Until then... have a song.


Everyone's changing, I stay the same
I'm... a solo cello outside a chor-us
I've got a secret,
It's time for me to tell that you've been keeping me warm

Just sweet beginnings and bitter en-dings
In coffee city, we borrowed hea-ven
Don't give it back, I've never felt so wanted
Are you taking me home?

You tell me you have to go...

In the heat of summer sunshine
I miss you like nobody else
In the heat of summer sunshine
I kiss you, and nobody needs to know

Now that you've left me, there's no retur-ning
I keep comparing, you're always win-ning
I try to be strong but you'll never be more wanted
Will you make me at home?

Don't tell me you have to go...

In the heat of summer sunshine
I miss you like nobody else
In the heat of summer sunshine
I kiss you, and nobody needs to know

Ya da... ya da... ya da

To sweet beginnings and bitter en-dings
In coffee city, we borrowed hea-ven
Don't give it back
Winter is coming and I need to stay warm

The heat.....

In the heat of summer sunshine
I miss you like nobody else
In the heat of summer sunshine
I kiss you, and nobody needs to know

The happy life

Ok, so yeah, I got facebook. Whatever. Not a big deal. I haven't been morally opposed to it for over a year now or anything. It's all cool.

So I have trials in less than a week. And I don't know anything. Which is a discovery I have made quite recently. In fact, I mainly don't know anything about physics. Which is really quite worrying. But whatever, life happens, you know?



So I will bid you adieu and continue to study.
I just wanted to reassure everyone that I haven't yet killed myself from the stress of year12 (but I make no guarantees for the future).



I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl
And you're married now
I heard that your dreams came true
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you

Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over

Never mind I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised in a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."

Nothing compares, no worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes, they are memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me," I begged
"I'll remember," you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

only my internet has issues

So I suppose it has been a while since I blogged. That tends to be what I do. I’ve been meaning to blog for a while now, but I’ve been having Internet issues, plus I always feel guilty for blogging instead of studying considering I have 7 assessments in a 4 week window. But life’s too short to study, right? …or something like that.

So life has been going on as it is so prone to do, and I have found myself in a bit of a black hole of misery, as I am so prone to do. I mean, I still enjoy life, I’m still glad to wake up in the morning, I still like going to school; I just burst into tears at inconvenient times and have half of my teachers thinking I’m depressed, which may or may not be true. I mean, honestly, you know you’ve got problems when you listen to Taylor Swift songs on loop. Although I suppose that can be said for many other artists, too.

So, I uh, yeah, have some issues I suppose. I’m feeling very Holden Caulfield of late. It’s weird and slightly terrifying to think that I am perhaps the happiest person living under my roof.


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When you make it seem like you value my opinion, I feel like a more credible human being. When you search me out to tell me that you want to talk to me, I feel like my presence is valued. Sometimes I think you’re the closest thing I have to a friend. I am so pathetic :)


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Sometimes you act like I am a really important part of your life, and sometimes you don’t even care about me. Is it silly to miss you when you stop replying to my messages? Is it pathetic that I am always the initiator of our conversations? Do you actually like talking to me, or are you just too nice to say you don’t; maybe you can just tell that I need you.


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And speaking of needing people… do you still read this? Do you still know that I need you? That I miss you? That I want you in my life? Or have you also moved on in this big scary world and left me behind? I know we said we can’t be friends yet, but it would be nice to hear from you again.


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And somehow I can’t imagine being able to survive this without the knowledge that you are for me, you are here in my life, you are here by side, if not always physically, then metaphorically. You are my hug at the end of a long day, you are my cure to the tears, you are the smile that disappears far too often from my face.


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sorry, Internet is too laggy for pictures. Have a good day.

How Much I Want To Hold You

"Perhaps it is ridiculous to think that you'll never feel further than your nerve endings... but even I know that the best love letters lack form or shape, but are given in glances and gestures; the sad smile across the canopées; the tighter grip on your hand to keep the panic attack at bay."

This is like, the best quote I have ever seen.
Having said that, I will now inundate you with beautiful quotes:



"Take the distance from the depths of the deepest ocean
to the surface of pluto
and multiply by as far as you can count
and you'll still be nowhere near
you'll still have no idea
how much I want to hold you" - Eddplant - Less Than Three



“Weltschmerz. It’s the depression you feel when the world as it is does not line up with the world as you think it should be… Because everyone thinks it should be possible to just keep falling and falling forever, to feel the rush of air on your face as you fall, that air pulling your face into a brilliant goddamned smile. And that should be possible. You should be able to fall forever.” - Will Grayson, Will Grayson



"Because you mention suicide to other people, and they say “you can’t do that.” And you laugh to yourself and think, “oh, yes, I can.” Because here’s the truth that everyone pretends is a lie. If you wanted to, you could quit your job today and pack all your bags and leave town. Or if you wanted to, you could get into a bar fight, get arrested, and then flick off the camera when they are taking your mug shot. Or if you wanted to, you could eat rat poison or put a gun to your mouth. And people always ask, “why?” but some people always ask “why not?,” and that’s when you have a problem, as far as society is concerned. But see, I belong to the later category, and although society is concerned, I am not concerned about society… or anything, as a matter of fact. "



And I fucking miss you, and Justin Bieber stole the song that I can no longer associate with the beautiful memory of the part of you that I hope beyond all else is still mine to keep. And I wish I could say that I still know you because I still want to know you so much, and I search everywhere looking for someone like you and when I get remotely close I get my stupid hopes up again, only to find out that they don't have your impeccable taste in music or flawless selflessness or beauty in viewing the world that falls apart around you.

I wish I could say that I no longer have a need for a person like you in my life, but the truth is that I am so broken, and I am falling apart and I keep clinging on to people that I think I'm close to and they all push me away so hard that it hurts. And you don't push. Or at least, you didn't. And if you're still the person I can cling to without being pushed away, I want you back.

And perhaps, even if you are not, I would still like to know who you are now.



"And for some reason I am typing this out to the universe because I don't have the courage to say anything to the actual person"

Under my skin

You are right, and I know you are right as I walk away and your voice fades from my mind like a distant memory as I shush you with my constantly nodding head.
I don't know what this 'spirit' is you all speak of but I am coming to believe that I have perhaps lost it.
I don't even notice that I'm sad anymore. What do I have to be sad about now?
This is not a circumstance, this is how it is.
This is how it will always be.

---

If you worry about how you look when you smile, you are doing it wrong.

---

We're all doing it wrong.
I have realised recently that when I look at photos, I can't tell if people are beautiful, or just happy.
Clearly, as an overanalyser, I believe that this says something about me on a deeper level. But that could all be bullshit.

---

The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better.

And any time you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder

---

I feel so alone sometimes.
I want to just talk to someone, but there's no one there sometimes.
I feel like there's someone missing.
I don't even remember who it is.
I don't even remember who I am.
If you would come back, I might remember.

---

I heard a song today that reminded me of you. And I cried.

---

So I guess I just still haven't found what I'm looking for...
I'll keep you posted.

Intelligent Life

If we pretend that everything is ok for long enough, maybe eventually everything will be ok.
Oh hang on, I see a slight flaw in that logic.
Oh well, no one will notice.



So I'm pretending that everything is ok; we both are.
We're pretending that it's possible for us to live together, simply because you want me to need you and I don't want to disappoint you.
We're pretending that everything is going to stay ok, and that you're not at all tempted to throw me out of your house.
We're pretending that we care about what each other want.
We're pretending that we're not both terribly selfish people.



"Let's pretend everything's fine
Put on our fake smiles and keep wasting our time
Let's pretend we're fine
Go out in style and come home in denial"



I feel like talking to you is my way to escape everything
I can just sit and talk to you and tell you everything
And sure, sometimes I feel a little stupid, and I feel like the stuff I'm telling you is petty
But you tell me that it's ok that it's a big deal
You tell me that it's ok to be selfish
That I should care about what happens to me in my life
That I deserve good things
And sometimes, I even believe you



"Here I go again
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone
Coz I know what it means
To walk along the lonely street of dreams"



You tell me that I am selfish, and have all the good things I deserve
You say that I am a bad person, that you are better
You tell me that I complain about something insignificant
That I am making too big a deal of things
You see my pain as petty
And it is
But so is crying over boys
At least you have a home to go to at the end of the day



"There are times when all the world's asleep,
the questions run too deep
for such a simple man.
Won't you please, please tell me what we've learned
I know it sounds absurd
but please tell me who I am."



In the deepest, most distant part of my mind, I think I can almost recall a sort of happiness, but I'm not sure if it's a memory or a fantasy
Have I been happy?
Or do I just wish I was?
I still look up every time the door opens and expect to see you walking through
Remember when you used to whistle?
Fuck I miss that



The only reason I didn't go and talk to is because everytime I talk to you I feel like I should kiss you. And I don't have time to feel like that anymore.



Life tip: If you say everything with a smile, no one realises that you feel like crying ;)

Monsters

I haven't blogged in forever because I'm scared of the little monsters in my head that I always tend to release when I write blogs (yes Ebony, those monsters are honesty).







And he said this was my ranting space, and I said this is the space I get to be me, and maybe it's a mix of the two. Because I like feeling... things. And to rant is to feel things as much as one possibly can and this is where I can be me and I can be a little closer to ok.

Because, at this very moment in time, I am so many lightyears away from ok.
Because my mum is not talking to me me, and my sister is sleeping because she's sick.
And I miss my dad so much.
He could fix everything.
He could fix me.
I didn't lie in bed and cry myself to sleep when I said goodnight to him.
...I got to say goodnight to him.
Fuck I miss that.
I miss falling asleep on his lap watching Friday Night Football because 10pm was late for me but I couldn't tear myself away from the comfort of his hugs.





I feel like all I do in life is disappoint people and let people down and completely fail at everything. I do not know if it is possible to fail at the act of life, but if it is, I think I have failed. Having said that, I think the test is too hard because I haven't learnt this stuff yet, and no one told me it would be in the test. I didn't know it would be like this. I didn't know that I didn't have an option. It's so hard not to feel alone sometimes.






I do know that you love me and that you think I'm special and that you will always be here for me when I need and that means so much to me. But sometimes when I see you with her and I see the smile I can't bring to your face so easily anymore, something inside of me hurts, and I want her to go away. I want everything to go back to normal.
I'm sorry I can't be happy that you're happy.







I'm sorry I'm insecure and imperfect.
I'm working on it.

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