Still waiting for the splash

I’m sorry if this is random or doesn’t make sense or both.

You know, I pray a lot. I mean, not as much as I used to. For exactly one year I prayed twice a day. For exactly a year after that I prayed every night. And now, I pray when I need help. You see, my beliefs are very unique. I call myself Catholic, but I disagree with most of their teachings, and I have a very different definition of God to most Catholics.

He is a friend, a creator. He sets out merely to make people happy. If you need advice, just ask, and he’ll tell you the answer. I’m normally very good with that one. Lately when I ask for advice I get little in return. Either that or I’m ignoring what he’s trying to tell me.

I’m trying to ignore that. I think, maybe because I’m happy at the moment (I know I keep mentioning it, but come on, it’s so awesome!), if I ask for anything else I’m just being greedy. ‘I wake up every evening, with a smile on my face. And it never feels out of place.’ I don’t need anything more than that.

But some part of me thinks that the things I’m asking for, I shouldn’t be. That it’s not about me not deserving more, but about me wanting things I shouldn’t. That maybe if I ask for the “right” things, there wouldn’t be a problem.

And then I start to question why I want these things, and why I shouldn’t. That’s when I realise that I definitely do and definitely shouldn’t. But I still can’t put my finger on why I shouldn’t.
You know what, my head hurts, I’m shutting up.