Life and happiness

I know I’ve been AWOL lately so I’m gonna blog properly whilst I get the chance.

I’m reading (well, just finished) this book called ‘Where Are You When I Need You?’ by Suzanne Newton. It’s actually a really good book, and it’s opening up this whole new part of me.

See, I dunno who I’m gonna end up as. I don’t even know who I wanna end up as, which sorta scares me. Because I’ve always had this vision of me when I’m older, and it rarely wavers. But now, it has disappeared completely.

In my life, I want to do something I’ll enjoy. I don’t want to find a job that I do because I get paid a lot, or because it’s expected of me, I just want to do something that will make me happy. Does it really matter how much money someone earns? If they can afford food and shelter, then that’s it really, right?

‘Maybe this is what I really wanted to: cook in a kitchen that smelled of buttermilk and spices and wait for someone to come home to me from work. I wouldn’t have to move to a new pace and live among strangers or try to keep up with students ten times smarter than me. The daydream felt safe and cozy, but letting myself think about it made me feel ashamed.’

I’m still really happy, and it’s actually really comforting, but I fear this happiness is because of my time away from school. I’ve always loved learning, but I’ve realised that I’m happiest in school holidays, which makes me wonder why I bother. Why is it so important to do something acceptable?

I have a friend who’s…20? Anyways, she tried uni for a semester, and she didn’t like it. She went to TAFE for a year, and she didn’t like it. She quit both, and kept working at KFC full time, and now everyone thinks she’s let herself down. But when you think about it, in 5 years she could settle down, have kids, and quit working all together and become a stay-at-home mum, and then all her education would be lost, whilst the money isn’t.

Why shouldn’t I just spend my life making myself happy? And yet, some part of me feels that that would be letting myself down, too. I’ve been given a gift, and just blowing it off would be unfair. And I care about that more than I should. I know I’d feel guilty if I did something that just made me smile.

I know this blog is sort of beyond the norm, and it deals with issues that I don’t have to deal with for a few years. But that’s just me, right? Always getting too far ahead of myself.

Oh well, what are your thoughts?

(note the open invitation to comment)