Day one

So I am currently in the beautiful city of Paris, France, with my darling sister and father, at the start of a five week journey through Europe, which I will attempt to document in a vague way on this blog. So we left Syndey at 6:45pm on Saturday, ready to fly to Paris via Dubai via Bangkok. We all managed to get a bit of sleep between Sydney and Dubai, but when we left Dubai it was light outside so we found it difficult to sleep on the next plane... which is quite unfortunate because when we left it was only about 3am in France so we probably needed that little bit extra but yeah. There were heaps of movies and TV shows and games on our flights, so we were definitely not bored (I didn't even have to get out my sims!) And though we did have WiFi from Dubai to Paris, it cost money so we didn't bother with it. They kept feeding us on board (I was always served first because of my special diet) and sometimes it felt like the only time I woke up was to eat. But all in all I only managed about 6-7 hours of sleep which isn't really a night's worth and it was spread over much more than a night... So now comes the struggle to stay awake until a respectable time… Once we got to Paris and got our luggage, we took forever figuring out how to get to our hotel and then getting here from the train station, but some helpful locals showed us the way :) Once at our hotel, it became an immediate priority to shower for the first time in 38 hours (and brush our teeth...yeah) Then we had omelettes for dinner (mine with salad, dad’s and Nikki’s with French fries, because you know, it’s France). And we all had to get coffee because otherwise we wouldn’t stay awake but we did until 8:30 which we deemed an acceptable time to sleep and we kind of crashed.... And slept for 12 hours.

Unrequited ice cream

"Man, I was thinking about unrequited love. I figure it's best to just walk that shit off. Find someone else to be excited about. It's like if you love ice cream but your ice cream man friend won't give you any. Maybe he's got a good reason. It cuts into profits. Who knows? But he likes you as a friend and wants to hang out anyway. It just drives you crazy to hang out with that dude, even if he's being reasonable from his point of view. So don't hang out with him. What, you ONLY like ice cream? It's ice cream or nothing? Don't be an asshole. Learn to love donuts."


So here's the thing... I can't eat ice cream or donuts, you know? i guess that's all I'm trying to say...

Unfamiliar territory

Haven't used the real web address for blogger in so long, it has changed styles. How interesting.
Just a few things to rant about...

1. I am so over people telling me to put on weight. I get it. I don't eat. I can't eat. The food I can eat tastes disgusting and the food I can't eat is not worth getting sick over. I am aware that I have been losing weight for months now, and I seriously don't give a crap. I don't care that none of my muscles work properly or that I'm in pain all the time. So stop caring about my health, you are not my parents.

2. I sit here for hours and watch crap TV with you so you can feel appreciated and yet you never do. I don't know what else to do, you like watching TV, you asked me to come in and play bubble games with you. The one time you ask to do something else, I'm in the middle of helping people with homework. And yeah, if it was anything else I would drop it to hang out with you, but homework is important and exams start in six days and I will be free in less than two weeks so just chill out until then.

3. I don't know where social lines are and I think that means I cross them. Sometimes the things I think should really just stay in my head because I think everyone is getting the wrong idea from them. And speaking of wrong ideas, stop telling me what I think and how I feel; those are my decisions not yours and it's confusing for my mind to be told different things. I don't want to overthink these things but I don't really have a choice. And that upsets me.

4. Exams exams exams stress stress stress. Mechanics, complex number polynomials, integration, limits, inverse functions, enthalpy changes, redox reactions. ...I think that's all I need to learn this week. And that's less than half my exams. And 51 is a waste of a mark. So I should stress less. But I won't. This is just me....

Happy studying

Playing the game

And now we play the game of who would you tell? Because there has to be someone I can get it out of. Because I'm sure I'd want to know. Except I wouldn't. Because right now I can justify everything I do with ignorance. Because ignorance is bliss.

And it's amazing how I can make all these stories up in my head, how I can think I'm so fucking amazing and at the end of the day no one cares and I'm just hurting myself. Making up lies to hurt myself. How is this so?

And I try to get other people to go along with it so I can feel leas ridiculous, so I can tell myself there's some truth to my fallacy. And now everyone knows I'm crazy and conceited and nothing changes. Nothing ever changes. Life goes on.

But who would you tell?

Tuesday

Today I set two personal records, waking up not only the tiredest but also the coldest I've been first thing in the morning all year. I feel like this should be celebrated with a medal or a bullet to the head or something...

I've also achieved a more general achievement as today I am moving house for the third time in 12 months, so that's just dandy.

Bus rides

I've missed the celestial calm that comes from talking to you. Your slowness used to irritate me, forever waiting for you to get to the point, but now it intrigues me.

I like the way you draw out your sentences, and the revelation of such thought and intelligence in each word. I enjoy your carefully selected sentences, even the ones you cannot finish. And I enjoy finishing the ones you can't.

Good luck with everything, I guess I should've gotten your number or something to see how you go today, but I'll see you around. I always do.

Steady, aim, fire

We are in open combat. And I win every battle but you still win the war.

Spare time for thoughts

I finally have spare time! So I'm blogging from my phone, Grayson :) it's quite unusual for me lately to not be in extraordinarily large amounts of pain, so I have to take these opportunities when they arise. I don't really know what all the pain is from, like I can identify most pains, like stomach pain and leg pains, but then I have weird pains like back pains that just arrive out of nowhere and prevent me from moving. Such is life, I suppose...

I have been having a hard time adjusting to this... Not being able to eat, having to check ingredients of everything before I put it in my mouth. It's been saddening mostly... I don't want to be this person forever. I just want to be normal. But I've made some decisions about the future which make me feel optimistic.

I've also realised that I've made decisions and said things in the past which I've come to regret. Things I never thought I would regret, but they were decisions I made at tough times and I didn't feel I had a choice. I felt pressured and responsible for other people, and that's not fair to myself. I should focus more on myself and less on other people... Niceness is often my greatest downfall.

And I miss you. I miss being able to text you when I did something I was proud of, that you could put in perspective, or something that reminded me of you, something only you would understand. Missing you has made me realise how fortunate I am to have other people, and yet, somehow, I don't feel fortunate, I don't appreciate people, I wish they would just leave me alone and let me study...

Life is funny, isn't it?

Unwritten words

So I had this total post written and I was going to tell you how I feel and try and make sound as unstupid as possible and maybe it would make some sense if I wrote it down, and I just want to tell the world how incredible you are. But one day, I will trust you enough to let you read this, and I don't want you to realise how crazily obsessed with you I am. I don't really have anyone... And I would like you to be my anyone.
See I'm doing it anyway, I have to go before I say the things I know I can't.

Ps boys suck :-D

People

I don't get people...

1. You get upset when I don't talk to you, but you don't want to talk to me. You tell me off when I don't hug you, but you pull away when I try. You tell me to spend time with you, not just everyone else, but I try to make plans with you, hours always busy and get angry at me for making plans at all. I don't want to give up on you. But I think I already have.

2. One day you skip two lectures to hang out with me, the next 0day you tell me that you can't handle me in big doses. You tell me that I drive you crazy, and then ask me to save you a seat so you can sit with me. I want to be close to you, I actually really like you. But I can't tell what you want, do you even want my friendship?

</rant>

I'm still alive... Just

Just installed blogger on my phone, totally going to blog more often now. Preparing to lose all my battery on internet, maybe I should get a spare battery :)
Anyway yeah, I have a lot of raging to do, but I will do it all later. I hope you look forward to that.

Have a sunshiney day!

Realistic Expectations

Another tragically mushy blog.
I would not drive to the ends of the Earth for you. Setting aside the fact that the Earth has no end; my car is unreliable and it would probably break down a million miles from nowhere with no one to help me and no phone reception. I am more inclined to catch a commercial air flight to the nearest major city and call you to come and get me.

And I would not walk a thousand miles for you. I am terribly unfit and, due to my hatred of water, I would probably dehydrate or drop dead on the way there. But I would walk to your house on a hot day just so we can lie in the park together.

I would not move a mountain for you. The Earth’s tectonics are not to be messed with, particularly by an individual, and if you asked me to, I would probably think you’d gone mad. Perhaps I would move a small mound of dirt or something, if I had a wheelbarrow.

I would not catch a star for you. First of all, stars are not moving, and those that appear to be are actually meteoroids. Second of all, stars are very hot and I would get burned. Third of all, stars are very big and I am very weak, when I’m not with you. But I wish for you on them all the time.

I would not write a song for you. You hate love songs and I have no musical talent and you tell me off when I sing. I listen to love songs and think about you, though.

I would not find the pot of gold from the end of the rainbow for you. Rainbows are just the reflection of water in raindrops and they don’t even lead anywhere. But I will give you anything material that I can. .

I would not walk through hell for you. Hell does not exist, and if it did, I would not go there, and you would not ask me to. I would walk on hot sand though, to be by your side (really hot sand, not just a little bit hot).


I guess my point is, I don't have unrealistic expectations of our relationship. I am not as naive as I used to be. I don't want to spend forever with you, or even the rest of my life. But a good 30 years would be nice ;)

My holiday

I wrote this 10 days ago and for some reason it didn't post. Ohh well, posting now

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This is going to be an unusually mushy blog. Bare with it, it doesn't happen very often.

The best part of building a sandcastle with you is that you don't just put up with me. I once said that the perfect man would be able to deal with my perfectionism in building sandcastles. Which I suppose means that you are beyond perfect. Because you were more anal than I was about the slant of the castle wall, and the width of the moat. In fact, you cared so much about my castle, that you built me a wall. A wall so beautiful and big, it could withstand any wave. A wall that protected my castle in the same way you protect me, by wrapping itself around it.

The second best part of building a sandcastle with you is that when it is finished, you walk into the water,holding my hand. You will only go so far that oncoming waves just touch your knees, and no further. Which I take as excuse to throw wet sand at you, and you take as an excuse to throw it back. So we have a sand fight and I run further into the ocean to persuade you to join me; to go further than knee deep.

The third best part of building a sandcastle with you is that you are always full of surprises. So when I take those few steps further, expecting you to be too stubborn to get even your legs wet, you dive straight into the ocean. And I follow gradually, too scared to get wet too quickly as the water is far too cold. And you tell me to grow some balls and I remind you that they are not anatomically necessary for me. And you laugh and I smile and you smile and you kiss me. And I kiss you back.

The fourth best part of building a sandcastle with you is that once we've finished swimming and we're ready to go home, we jump on our castle. So some other little kids don't come and do it when we leave. And then we walk up the never ending sand holding hand whinging about the pain of walking on sand.

And now I'm back at home, without you. Without you hugs, your warm chest, the way you hold me when you play games. Without your smell, your eyes, the cute look you have when you blow me kisses.

Please never stop chasing me into the ocean, I don't ever want to stop chasing you.

Changing calendars

Happy new calendar year!
Because it's not a new year until I say so, a year is not defined by an arbitrary point in the Earth's orbit, rather, the calendar is.
My year will be defined when I feel that big changes are occurring. Usually, this is around February.
Still, I would like to at least attempt to formulate some resolutions, let us begin by reviewing resolutions of the past. Last year, I chose to formulate a life plan, rather than a list of resolutions. How did I go with that plan?

#1 Be happy.
Happiness is so complex that I can't say that I did or did not achieve it. At the moment, I am very happy, but I'm unsure as to whether that is due to external or internal factors. There are people in my life that make me happy, and people in my life that make me sad. Remaining positive through the sadness is perhaps all that is necessary. I don't feel positive because of the sadness, the sad will stay, and I am entirely pessimistic about it. But I believe there will be more happiness, and that is enough for me.
This year? No, this is not part of my life plan for this year. I believe happiness will come from doing the things I love with the people I love. But it cannot be "plan"ned.

#2 Try hard at school, but don't stress out.
I totally and completely achieved this, and I am 100% satisfied with how I went. Although there were times when I stressed a little too much, I think it helped me to ascertain my priorities. My results from the HSC were spectacular, and I think I eventually found a good balance.
This year? Definitely, this year I plan to try hard and not stress out too much. I think it will be easier working on a semester to semester plan, and having actually holidays, as I currently feel refreshed, and definitely burnt out a bit during the actual HSC.

#3 Get a licence. This must be done before the beginning of the footy season.
I did get my licence, although it was not before the footy season due to some personal problems. I may have failed my first test, but I think that was a life lesson :D
This year? I plan to get my greens before the year ends :)

#4 Earn money.
I did a lot of this. And also spent a lot on my David.
This year? Getting my scholarship recently has lowered the financial pressure, but I still want to earn a fair bit. I'm greedy, you know.

#5 Smile lots. Be optimistic. Life is actually a pretty big gift, enjoy it.
Overall, I have retained my optimism, although there was a chunk of the year where I felt a little helpless. Strong connections with friends helped me get through it and I'm totally thrilled to have so many wonderful people in my life.
This year? I'd generally like to be optimistic although I can foresee some events that may make that difficult. In fact, simply suggesting that it will be difficult already suggests a pessimistic attitude. But I will try. The world is my oyster, right?

#6 Appreciate time with friends. This is the last year I have a reason to see my people everyday, and after this, our relationship may be a struggle.
I definitely appreciated my time with them, a lot more than the year before. Since the HSC ended, it has been difficult to see them as much, but I don't think that has reduced our friendship at all.
This year? We have big plans on how to see each other, and although it may not always be possible to keep these plans, I believe out connection will remain. This is definitely onmylife plan for the year.

#7 Be a generally good person, but don't get too hung up on this. I've spent years feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone. It's ok to be a little bad every now and then.
...I still feel like I'm not good enough for anyone, so I supposed I've failed at this. But I'm still trying.
This year? Still on the list. Still trying

Have a great year!

The tank of life

Listening to the songs I used to play to feel the moods I used to love and driving the streets that never seemed to end. Oh how things change, don't they? Because now the songs make me feel so much more, and the moods make me feel a little sick to the stomach. Now, the street is over before the song reaches the second verse. Now, the drive home is one I make with reluctance. The drive home doesn't even take me to a place that feels like home.

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Why am I adopting you all? Why am I trying so hard for people to like me? Why does everyone else's opinion matter more to me than my own? I should stop listening, and start thinking and feeling.

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Even when I'm mad at you, you're the one who makes me stop crying, you're the one i want to hug, I naturally move closer to you. I hate that you have so much control over me, I hate that I do anything for you, but I love that you make me so happy. I'll keep trying if you keep trying <3

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What a beautiful day to be an Ebony... everything is going so well, the sun is shining, the tank is clean.
Ever so clean.

Wait...

I always think it's going to be different. After I finish school, after I turn 18, after work, after Christmas; things will change. Maybe in the new year I'll be a new person with new priorities, maybe I'll do the things I've always wanted to do. Maybe nothing will change. Maybe the days keep rolling over, blending into each other. An endless haze of sleep and computer games. I'm waiting for the change that never comes. The eternal wait. I'm waiting on you.




















"I don't like goodbyes, I like see you next times. Even if next time doesn't come.
I like hope. Fruitless hope."

Doing Something

What's wrong with me? Why do you want me to be different? I actually like me now, I love me, but you don't. what don't you like about me? why do you want me to be something that I'm not? Why don't you like me?

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And you're right, there isn't a right thing for everyone, I can't do anything that will be perfect for everyone. But I still want to be utilitarian. Is what's best for me the best thing? Yeah, I have to do something. But what?
...I can't do this for much longer.

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Counting down the minutes until I can leave... what a wonderful way to live

The Journery

I'm sort of a little bit excited about the next chapter of my life.
And I don't even just mean the next few months (although that will be totally awesome too). But the next four years, and whatever happens after that.
I'm excited to be an Adult and to go to uni and take control of my life. I'm excited to go places and do things and become the person I've always wanted to be. I'm excited to make decisions about what I want for the future, and choose a path that will take me to it.
Happiness isn't a destination, it's a journey, and I think I'm on my way there.

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So the HSC is over and I have my life back (back? Implying I ever had one? Stretching the truth just a little there). And, I turned 18, and now I have opportunities. I have a new laptop which is yet to be named (although I'm steering towards Sam) and the world is sitting at my feet asking me what I want to do. It's freeing and empowering at the same time.
...I feel good xD

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Exams were good, exam stress was bad. But overall, I'm happy with how I did, and I happily await my results in December too long away. Sorry for neglecting you so much, my dear blog (trust me, I neglected others too), I'll try to be around a little more now.

DFTBA.

You're the beauty I put my energy into

It's weird seeing all of you in a row like that, each a little part of my personality. The way you talk, way you think, way you view the world. I never knew I could find myself in so many other people. But I suppose, I should have known, right? Of course I should have known.

And I worry about you, you say things that make me want to tear my hair out, because, you think you should be someone other than who you are, but you shouldn't, you don't need to be me, even though I think, sortt of, that's what you want. You are great being you. And you won't listen when I try to you stuff like that, and you're basically having the exact opposite problems to me, and I want to tell you that my grass isn't very green, but you still think it's greener than yours. Maybe it is, maybe I'm just ungrateful, I wouldn't be surprised if that were the case. But I care about you, and I want you to like the grass you live on, you have plenty of time to find different pastures.

"Somedays it seems to me like the purpose of life is to convert energy into beauty. And I know that's not true, I know that that's not rationally true, but somedays, it's ok for things to not be rationally true."

I doubt, therefore I might be.

I haven’t blogged in a while. I would say that I’ve been busy, but honestly, I’ve been living. Not excessively, like, I don’t have a life or anything, but, I’ve been talking to people for the first time in a while, which is really nice because I’m about hide in a hole for six weeks whilst I study for the death that is the HSC.

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Food for thought:
"While the Thirty years War was heating up - a war that would lay waste to all of central Europe - this man was seeking peace, order, clarity and absolute, ultimate certainty about himself and the world. first, he established a rule that he would not consider anything true that could not be recognized clearly and distinctly. And he cast doubt on everything that could be open to doubt. He would not trust his eyes, nor any of his other senses; it was too easy to be led astray. He groped his way forward skeptically. Even thinking could not be relied on. Maybe an evil demon was distorting his thoughts. But wait - isn't there something that lies beyond any doubt? If I cast doubt on everything, he thought, I cannot doubt that I am doubting, and that I am the one doing the doubting. and if I know while doubting it is I who am doubting, i must be thinking that I doubt. There is thus an undoubtable certainty, a first principle that precedes all others: I think, therefore I am!"-Who Am I? And if so, how many? by Richard David Precht



I was living in your house and I was driving your car and I was living your life; the life you left behind. Did I appreciate it as much as you would? Do I appreciate the time I spend with your children? If you could be here now, what would you do? What would you say? If I could give it all back to you, I would. But I know you didn't want it anymore. You didn't want your life without her and I can understand that. Your devotion to each other was a beautiful thing to see, the way you would tell each other off and chase each other around; always joking but never too much. It would be nice to know someone that well, to be able to know what they want, what they think without ever having to ask. I miss your voice, I miss your smell. I miss you.



"We don't wanna sleep
Just wanna stay up
There's so much to say
And not enough hours in the day

We'll laugh 'til we cry
Read each others minds
Live with a smile
Make it all worthwhile" - Aly & AJ










I never thought of myself as one of the broken people. I never knew that I fit the description that I so obviously search for. I didn't realise that I was incapable of believing in happiness. It took you telling me today that I am only happy on the outside, it took me admitting that I don't believe I have the potential to be happy forever, for me to see that I'm not all sunshine and lollipops. And I want to be, I so want to be. I want to be so much that I've convinced myself I am. Turns out I've been lying to myself all along










"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?"
-Epicurus