I have never been strong enough

Yes, this is the first chance I've had to blog in forever.

one - everything is changing, everything is morphing, i don't know what i'm doing, but i like that. it's like i'm just along for the ride, i'm not in contorl. although it's very frightening, it also means i don't have as much responsibility.
TWO - OH WHAT A WONDERFUL THING BRUTAL HONESTY IS. I WISH PEOPLE WEREMORE HONEST WITH ME. I CAN NEVER TELL IF SOMEONE IS SAYING SOMETHING JUST TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOD, OR IF THEY ACTUALLY MEAN IT.
three - i should probably not be on my computer in the storm, in case it short circuits or something, Death By Computer seems like an interesting way to go, though.
four - smithteens survived our first fight this week. but we had casualties. imissyou and Cheru have both left, and imissyou and sunonarainyday are no longer friends. they've been best friends for 8 years.

Huh.
I've been emailing rachel at smithteens. I feel so important. :)
anyways, blog... something to say...
dammit i dont have anything
you know, my harddrive is split in 3 now :L
C drive - mine
E drive - mums
F drive - old stuff

haha, my usb is H drive. how ridiculous.

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my msn is so screwy. it makes crappy noises. and i dont have a pm or dp. WHAT THE HELL. i swear, go back to NORMAL charlie! i miss you! i know i never told you enough how much i loved you! but i did!

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Disadvantages of being awake at midnight:
- you realise you've missed 11:11, and that's one less wish you will ever get to make
- you understand that the maximum amount of sleep you will possibly get is 6 and a half hours, and the possibility of even getting that is looking slim
- you can hear your mother on your computer, and you're thinking "dammit, i wanna check my emails"
- love song dedications is drawing to a close, and now you have nothing to listen to as you re-attempt sleep
- the stars outside your window that you are wishing on instead of 11:11 that you missed, are getting covered up by clouds before you get to the end of your almost endless wish.
- you feel sick. and tired. and there's nothing you can do about it.

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I woke up this morning and decided that I wasn't going to school
My conscience had other plans and somehow coaxed me out of my bed and into the shower. after this i decided i may as well go to school. so i did. it was at school when i discovered WHY my conscience did this. it didnt want me to miss judys bday. thankyou darling conscience.
oh my gosh. i should so name it.
hmm, it's female. defiately. and it's name starts with E, L, K, N or D.
(Don't ask me how I know, I just do)
i cant think of the right name though...

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Hmm, he'd probably tell me off for writing this, but this is so hilarious, it's what someone said to me yesterday
Him: "You know why you've never seen me smile?"
Me: "Why?"
Him: "Because you can't see my face when you hug me"

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Oh shit.
I have to say this.
Not here. But I'll write it here anyway.

DAMMIT! I didn't mean it like that! I didn't mean to hurt you! And I especially didn't mean to make you think that. But what I meant was, it wasn't fair for me to give myself hope. And that's the only way I could do it. I know it hurt you, it hurt me too. But, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?

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its amazing that in an instant everything changes. one little jolt, and suddenly, you'll never be the same again. but, when things keep changing, there comes a point when you get scared as well, when you want to stop dancing, but your feet move. and the music is so beautiful, and the tune is so catchy, that you can't help but continue the steps. and your mind says "are you crazy? you're dancing with the devil" and you say "but at least someone will dance with me"

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I did it again. I started questioning everything. Who I am, and how long I've been that person. I know this isn't the real me. But I like her enough to keep her around, at east for a little. I think what I want is a blend of the two. The blend that you brought out in me. The conversations that made me feel amazing. That made me love myself. That me.

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I still scream at myself when I'm home alone. Trying to figure out what the hell is going on in my head. I give my opinions some space to move, and I watch them. They have no idea what the hell I'm doing either, but we all have space, and we all learn to respect each other.

Dammit, I want the other mes back. This one changed too much. I've never missed myself before. But I do now. I don't like this person. The one that people give strange looks. And allude to things beyond their knowledge. They define me by one of me. And they have forgotten her. I don't want them to remember either. They don't deserve to.

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stupid charlie won't let me copy and paste (i know, it's not too difficult is it?) so i wrote this all out manually. yes, that is dedication. clearly, this song is awesome. READ!!

I have felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I'm missing you
And I'm wishing that you would come back through my door
Why did you have to go? You could have let me know
So now I'm all alone
Girl you couls have stayed
but you wouldn't give me a chance
with you not around its a little bit more than i can stand
and all my tears they keep running down my face
why did you turn away?

{Bridge}

so why does your pride make you run and hide?
are you that afraid of me?
but i know it's a lie what you keep inside
this is not how i want it to be

{Chorus}

so baby i will wait for you
cause i dont know what else i can do
don't tell me i ran out of time
if it takes the rest of my life

baby i will wait for you
if you think im fine it just aint true
i really need you in my life
no matter what i have to do, i'll wait for you

{Verse two}
it's been a long time since you called me
how could you forget about me?
you got me feeling crazy (crazy)
how can you walk away?
everything stays the same
i just can't do it baby
what will it take to make you come back?
girl i told you what it is and it just aint like that
why can't you look at me? you're still in love with me
don't leave me crying

{Bridge}

Baby why can't we just, just start over again
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance I can love you right
But you're telling me it won't be enough

{Chorus}

so baby i will wait for you
cause i don't know what else i can do
don't tell me i ran out of time
if it takes the rest of my life

baby i will wait for you
if you think i'm fine it just aint true
i really need you in my life
no matter what i have to do i'll wait for you

{Bridge}

so why does your pride make you run and hide
are you that afrais of me?
but i know it's a lie what you're keeping from inside
that is not how you want it to be

baby i will wait for you
baby i will wait for you
if it's the last thing i do

{Chorus}

baby i will wait for you
cause i don't know what else i can do
don't tell me i ran out of time
if it takes the rest of my life

baby i will wait for you
if you think i'm fine it just aint true
i really need you in my life
no matter what i have to do i'll wait for you

i'll be waiting.