Ponderisms

My mum sends me a whole bunch of fabulous emails (so what if the only person to email me is my mum??!!!), and this is one that is awesome.


I
used to eat a lot of natural foods until I
learned that most people die of natural causes.


Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best
way to make sure you are removing a weed and not
a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes
out of the ground easily, it is a valuable
plant.


The easiest way to find something
lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.


Never take life seriously
Nobody gets out alive anyway.


There are
two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the
dead.


Life is sexually
transmitted..


Health is merely the
slowest possible rate at which one can
die.


The only difference between a rut
and a grave is the depth.


Health nuts
are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of nothing.


Have you
noticed since everyone has a camcorder these
days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they
used to?


Whenever I feel blue, I start
breathing again


All
of us could take a lesson from the weather. It
pays no attention to
criticism.


In the 60's, people took acid to make
the world weird. Now the world is weird
and people take Prozac to make it normal.


How
is it one careless match can start a forest
fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


Who was the first person to look at a
cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly
things here, and drink whatever comes out?'


Who was the first person to say, 'See
that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing
that comes outta its butt.'


Why is there
a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares,
why is there a song about him?

If
quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?


Do
illiterate people get the full effect of
Alphabet Soup?


Did you ever notice that
when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he
sticks his head out the window?


Why
doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?